Chapter Text
It was as if it came out of nowhere. No that wasn’t right, it had crept up on him, starting with a heaviness to his limbs, a fog setting in his brain, a tiredness slowly overtaking him, until there was just no energy left. Nothing left. So Matteo just laid there, on his unmade bed where he’d collapsed earlier that morning. He was supposed to meet David at some park over an hour ago.
He’d gotten up and everything, dragged himself out of bed, out of his room and into the kitchen. All it had taken was a simple “are you ok?” from Hans, and that was it. Matteo had literally felt himself shutting down. Checking out. Switching off. Because Matteo wasn’t ok was he? There was no magic fix or cure all for his stupid brain. So he let the fog take over. He couldn’t even remember answering Hans. He’d just backed away, retreated to his room and fallen onto the bed.
That had been earlier that morning. Hours ago. Hans had checked on him a couple of times earlier, but now he was gone too. His normal functioning brain allowing him to live his life. Not like Matteo, who apparently couldn’t even handle basic questions now. Freaking out over everyday conversation.
He was starting to panic now, his thoughts starting to spiral. He could distantly hear his phone buzzing on the nightstand, but it was too far away. And anyway it was probably David. He was probably angry, Matteo couldn’t even show up on time, Matteo couldn’t even show up at all, because Matteo couldn’t even get out of bed, he was stuck, stuck in this room, on his bed. Stuck staring at the same door Hans had walked out of hours ago. He would rot away in there because-
“Matteo!”
Oh.
David was here. David was probably mad. No that wasn’t right, David wouldn’t be mad with him, he was too kind. He was probably sad, probably tired of seeing Matteo this way. Probably wondering how he could get out of this entire situation. Probably-
“Matteo, can I come in?”
The door wasn’t locked, there was nothing Matteo could do to stop him. He didn’t want to stop him. More than anything he wanted David here with him, he hated being alone with his rapidly spiralling thoughts. At the same time he didn’t want David to see him, laid here like this, so pathetic he couldn’t even call out. He didn’t want to trap him here with him.
“Matteo I’m coming in now ok?”
The door opened slowly and David stepped into the room, closing it softly behind him. Matteo didn’t even blink, just continued to stare at the wall. But the pain in his chest eased a little as David approached the bed.
“Matteo?”
David reached the bed and knelt down beside him, he placed his hand on Matteo’s chin and tilted his head until he was looking at his face. Matteo could feel the fog clearing slightly as he scanned David’s face. He looked devastated, eyes shining, mouth pinched in worry. He was sad, Matteo had made him sad.
“Matteo?” he repeated.
Matteo gasped and the tears started to fall.
“I’m sorry, I- I-”
“None of that,” David whispered, climbing onto the bed and pulling Matteo into his arms.
Matteo went willingly, allowed David to wrap him up in his arms. David held him tight, almost so tight that he couldn’t breathe, but he needed that, and David knew it. Now that he’d started he couldn’t stop crying, loud choking sobs, gasping for breath. It wasn’t pretty, but David held tight.
“I’m here Matteo, I’m here,” he whispered.
Eventually his sobs subsided, but David continued to rock him gently, until his breathing calmed, and his heart rate slowed to normal. When it had passed and Matteo finally felt like he could breathe again they both ended up laying on their backs. Matteo staring at the ceiling, David with his eyes closed. Matteo turned to him, and tried again.
“David I’m sorry-”
“Matteo please don’t,” David said, opening his eyes and turning to face him.
Now they were laying facing each other, Matteo tried to turn away but David reached out and held him in place.
“I stood you up,” Matteo said.
“Not your fault,” David answered.
“I didn’t even text you. I could hear the phone and I ignored it, I couldn’t even reach out and pick up the phone David,” Matteo argued, he sounded like a whiny child even to his ears.
David looked over at the nightstand.
“It is pretty far away,” he observed.
“Stop fucking humouring me,” Matteo suddenly snapped.
He sat up and pulled away from David. Why was David even still here? Couldn’t he see how Matteo was going to drag him down if he didn’t escape? David didn’t even flinch, just sat up so they were facing each other again.
“How am I humouring you?” he asked.
“Pretending like everything’s going to be fine. Agreeing with my fucking overdramatics. Allowing me to mope and cry and carry on, all because Hans asked me if I was ok this morning.”
God he was ranting now.
“Are you ok?” David asked.
“No I’m not ok! Obviously I’m not ok I’m- I- I-”
“Breathe,” David reminded him.
“I’m not ok,” Matteo said.
Somehow it was like a statement he’d known all along, and yet brand new information at the same time.
“David I’m not ok,” he repeated.
David reached out and joined their hands together, squeezing tightly and rubbing his thumbs over Matteo’s knuckles.
“Not right now no, but you will be again, I promise you,” he said.
“You can’t know that, what if it’s forever?” Matteo argued.
“It’s a bad day Matteo, you just get more of them than most,” David answered.
“A hundred times more yeah, and now you’re stuck with them too,” Matteo said, but he fell forward into David, who let go of his hands to catch him and pulled him close.
“It’s a bad day Matteo, but that doesn’t mean it will be a bad life,” David said.
“Yeah?”
Because Matteo couldn’t picture it, he would just weigh them down, he would destroy them.
“Yeah of course Matteo. God I know they’re hard, I know you’re in pain and I hate it. I know there’s no easy fix, but Matteo our good days are so good, aren’t they? Even the boring ones are so wonderful. So wonderful that I know it’s going to be a good life, I know it,” David said.
There wasn’t really anything he could say to that except…
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” David whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “are you tired?” he asked, he’d started rocking him again, so gently. God Matteo loved this boy.
“It’s not late enough for bed,” he murmured.
“But are you tired?”
“Yeah, I’m exhausted,” Matteo admitted, exhausted from a day of doing absolutely nothing.
“You’ve had an emotional day,” David said.
That was true. Matteo nodded slowly.
“So let’s sleep a while,” David said, laying them back down, never letting go of Matteo.
“David?”
“Yeah?”
“I think maybe tomorrow will be another bad day,”
“And we’ll face it tomorrow,” David said simply, raising his hand to run his fingers through Matteo’s hair.
“And David, maybe I need proper help,” Matteo said, halfway to sleep already.
He would never have admitted that if he was fully conscious, but deep down he knew it was true.
“Then we’ll get you help,” David said.
“Only when I’m ready?” Matteo asked.
“Only when you’re ready.”