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It started while we were talking about the prophecy. I had been pressing Cecil for more details about the fact that his whole career had been laid out for him by some sort of oracle, but he seemed a little uncomfortable, which is something I’ve been working hard at to notice. So I shifted the subject ever so slightly.
“Didn’t you want to be anything else? As a kid, like before all the prophecy stuff?” He looked confused so I continued, “I was so certain that I would run away and join the circus!”
At that Cecil laughed, and for a second I thought he was laughing at me, but then he said, “Oh but Carlos, you have to be chosen for the circus too! The process is different, but just like me, all circus performers have their careers set out for them. How else would they be able to do all that they do?”
I thought about the cheerleaders I saw in high school after many hours in the science lab. I’d pass their practices on the way out of the school, and knew how much hard work they put in to the seemingly science-defying stunts they performed at pep rallies. I thought about the roommate I had when I was an undergrad who had been training to be a world class gymnast his entire life. I used to watch in awe as he would contort his body into impossible shapes while he studied. I often told him how impressive it was. I NEVER told him how arousing it was.
That thought snapped me out of my reverie, and I broke what I could only hope was a comfortable silence, “Well don’t you still put a lot of effort into what you do? Maybe you can’t change the fact that you were chosen to have the most beautiful voice in the world, but you still choose how you say things. It’s true art, the inflection of your tone, the emphasis you put on certain words and phrases, you can’t tell me you didn’t work hard at that. You can’t tell me you don’t plan out exactly how you say things to elicit a specific response from whoever is listening.”
As I spoke I was thinking about all the times people told me I made science look so easy, when in fact I had worked hard at it for many, many years, and still work hard at it to this day. I hadn’t realized that, in the meantime, I had paid Cecil a genuine compliment. It’s not that I don’t want to compliment my boyfriend, but I can never make the words come out right, and I always feel silly compared to the way he talked about me. But this time I had distracted myself into saying something both kind and meaningful.
“Oh,” was all Cecil could manage for a while, and I took pride in that moment, of being able to silence The Voice of Night Vale. “Oh, perfect Carlos,” he finally continued, “Thank you. Thank you for seeing how much of me truly goes into my job.”
I shrugged, blushing. I still haven’t gotten used to being called perfect so casually. “It’s impossible to miss,” I said, mostly to my plate.
We walked home from Rico’s in what I could tell for sure was a comfortable silence, but I could see Cecil suppressing a smirk. For the second time that night, I began to panic that he was laughing at me. Instead, when he noticed me looking, he said in a voice that made my knees weak, “Sooo Carlos, what kind of reaction does my voice elicit from you?”
~~~
Not long after that, Cecil surprised me with tickets to Cirque du Soleil. I couldn’t believe Cecil remembered something I mentioned in passing about my childhood so many weeks ago. I also hadn’t realized they could physically make it to Night Vale, and I told Cecil so.
“Oh they aren’t coming to Night Vale,” he responded, “They’re coming to Desert Bluffs.”
I didn’t see how they could get to Desert Bluffs any easier, but instead of that I said, “Aw Ceec, you’d really go to Desert Bluffs to take me to the circus?” I blushed as I finished speaking, already knowing his response.
“Of course, my sweet Carlos. Anything for you.”
~~~
The circus was of course, incredible. I had seen Cirque du Soleil once with my gymnast roommate Peter and a group of friends (mostly his), and it was a show I remember to this day. I thought that show had prepared me, but this was years later and they had a new show with even more beautiful and stunning performances. My awe was NOTHING compared to Cecil’s though. Apparently he had never been to even a dingy roadside circus. I could understand, in Night Vale it’s certainly safer to avoid doing just about anything. And I was honored to be the first person to experience such a show with him. I almost spent more time looking at his face, joy and awe painted on it so vividly, than the show itself.
“And you’re telling me that they chose to do that, on their own accord, and trained for it, like on purpose?” Cecil asked me on the drive home.
“As far as I know,” I responded, and then began telling him about Peter.
“He kept trying to get me to come to the studio he practiced at, something about me needing to get out more? I almost did one time, but I took two steps in and saw stripper poles and had to leave. I’d look absolutely ridiculous, especially compared to Peter.”
I glanced over to Cecil, and his face was very composed. Shitshitshit. I thought to myself. Shitfuck you shouldn’t have brought up Peter you’re getting so good at sensing emotions Carlos you KNOW how easily he gets jealous, no, protective - but then Cecil interrupted my rushing thoughts with a deep, controlled breath and said, “I really can’t imagine you looking anything but perfect.” The way his voice caught as he said ‘perfect’ was enough to get my thoughts rushing in another direction.
~~~
After the show we went out a few more times, but nothing too fancy. I knew it was my turn to plan the next Big Date and I knew what I wanted to do... I just had to build up the courage to actually do it. I found an aerial dance studio a few towns over. They specialized in pole dancing but also had classes for aerial silks and something called a lyra, which I had to google. After what most people tell me is Too Much research, I decided that a silk class was about as far out of my comfort zone I was willing to go for now, since there would be nothing solid to slam into. After weeks of Cecil pulling up youtube videos of acrobats and aerialists instead of actual movies on our movie nights I finally went ahead and did it.
~~~
The drive to the studio was long, and both of us were buzzing the whole way, Cecil with excitement, and me with nerves. He hadn’t stopped talking about it since I told him I booked us in an aerial silk class, and he even got us matching leggings when he heard about the clothing requirements.
I was damn near ready to pass out as we walked across the parking lot, but Cecil grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and when I looked at him I could see the excitement shining in his eyes even brighter than the sunset, and I knew any discomfort I felt was going to be worth it.
As we walked in to the studio I was relieved to see that there was only one other person there, and then I was immediately terrified again as I noticed the beautiful tone of her muscles. Cecil started chatting with her immediately, which left me alone with my thoughts. I’d never been too self conscious about my body, but seeing the strength in this woman made me feel so incompetent. My arms are made for adjusting microscopes, and drawing graphs, and stroking my chin while I say “hmm.” How were those arms ever supposed to support my bodyweight?
A hand on my shoulder pulled me out of my self doubt. “Carlos don’t worry,” he said quietly, seeming to read my thoughts. “That’s our instructor. Sasha says we’re the only two people in this class.” Oh fuck thank the gods. No wonder she’s so toned, I thought as we both signed the class waiver and kicked off our shoes.
I got a little more comfortable as we began to warm up. The blood rushing through my body made my blush less noticeable, and the adrenaline helped me feel more confident.
“Okay, next we’re going to do a few conditioning moves on the silks!” Sasha announced. Up until this point the silks had been knotted up neatly above our heads, and as Sasha explained which muscle groups the moves would target, she leapt up impossibly high, grabbed the tail of one pair of silks, and it unraveled gracefully as she came back down. Cecil was tall enough that he could reach the tail by standing on his tiptoes, and pulled down each of our respective silks.
“So to get into position, you’re going to bring your arms around the outside of the silks like you’re giving them a hug,” Sasha demonstrated as she spoke, “Then bring your arms through the middle and from here you can wrap around once or twice more if you want. Personal preference! Once you’re comfortably wrapped, straighten your arms above your head and sink down into your shoulders.”
She continued to talk through the move, but I missed the rest. I was hit with a sudden, and VERY vivid image of myself wrapped up in a similar way, on a bed and under Cecil. My heart leapt to my throat. Bondage was something I’d read about, and was curious about, but I never had enough genuine interest to actually bring it up to the few partners I’d had in the past.
“Hey Carlos,” Sasha said, and I jumped a little. She was much closer to me than I had expected. “If you’re having trouble getting both knees to your chest, you can bring up your legs one at a time for now.” Oh shit the conditioning move, I had managed to completely forget where I was in those few short seconds of my fantasy.
“Oh, uh, yeah, thanks,” I said, trying to clear my head. “I think I got it.”
The rest of the class was a blur. Sasha would walk through a move then give us a chance to work on it while she spotted us. I would struggle with it for a few minutes, then after either shakily sticking a pose or failing spectacularly, I’d plunk down on the safety mat and watch Cecil in awe. He took to the silks like a fish to water. Sasha would give him a pointer and every time I wanted to yell, “It doesn’t even matter just look at him!” I have a few clear images of him in my mind, but everything else from the class was lost in a haze. Cecil and I both loved the silks, just for different reasons.
The sun had set fully by the time we head back over to our car, but even in the dim light of the lamps in the parking lot, Cecil could tell I was distracted. He had been excitedly chattering away about the class, but now there was a not so comfortable silence, and he was looking at me expectantly.
“Sorry Ceec, what was that?”
“I asked if you were okay, you still seem tense.” He is so much better at sensing emotions than I am.
“Oh, yeah, uh, I’m fine. I was just thinking about how much faster you got the hang of it. Maybe people are chosen for the circus,” I lied.
“Oh hush Carlos, you did wonderfully. I’m sure by next week you’ll have everything down pat!”
Ohh shit, I had forgotten it was a three-week series.
~~~
Cecil drove us back to Night Vale in silence that was more comfortable to him than it was to me. Now that we were alone it was harder to keep my thoughts under control. Cecil and I had been taking things slow, per my request. I hadn’t had a sexual relationship in YEARS, and as much as I trusted Cecil, I was still a little nervous to move things in that direction. I could tell Cecil was eager to speed things up between us, which made me even more grateful that he always went my pace. Tonight though, our kiss goodnight was a little more intense than normal. As he pulled away from our usual peck, I followed him, bracing myself on the center console, both to hold myself up, and to conduct a little experiment. What happens if I don’t have the use of my arms as things heat up?
Cecil was fine with this predicament, we kissed each other breathless while my hands stayed planted and his roamed. He eventually settled on my tensed up shoulders, rubbing and squeezing until they started shaking with the exertion of holding me up. He pulled back and this time I let him, falling back into my own seat, each of us breathing heavily. I could tell he was biting back a question, he was actually physically biting his lip, which was so hot I asked it for him: “Do you want to come in?” Thankfully it was indeed the right question.
I would have liked to immediately continue my experiment; I could imagine Cecil pressing me against the door and pinning my hands to my sides, or holding them over my head. Instead I awkwardly led him to my worn down couch. I had been over to Cecil’s many times but this was the first time he’d been to mine, and nerves began to creep up on me once more.
“Um can I get you anything?” I asked as he made himself at home on my couch. I swear he could get comfortable anywhere.
“Just you, darling Carlos,” he said grabbing my wrist and gently pulling me down next to him. I wouldn't have minded if he had been just a bit rougher. I sat with my feet tucked up underneath me, my hands balled into fists behind my back. I must have looked silly, but neither of us cared as our lips met. Cecil was hesitant at first, for my sake, not sure how far I wanted to go tonight. I kissed him back hotly, trying to let him know I was okay with this. He leaned me back, and I let my arms get trapped underneath me.
Things got ever hotter, Cecil’s hands found their way to my hair like always, and while I wasn’t the most comfortable, the numbness growing in my arms was shadowed by the sensation of Cecil on top of me, grinding into me, more intense than ever in the thin leggings we didn’t bother to change out of after class. The leggings were tight and clinging to my legs and it was just one more thing constricting me, holding me so tightly. I whined into Cecil’s mouth. We both recognized it as a sound I had not made before, and Cecil pulled back immediately, which just made me want to whine more.
“Carlos, is this all okay?” Cecil said, so softly.
“Uh huh,” I grunted out through clenched teeth. Pleasepleaseplease, I held back
“Carlos dear, you haven’t been touching me, are you sure you’re alright with this?”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s good, my arms just got a little trapped. Don’t stop!” I pleaded as Cecil began to shift away, to give me enough room to free my arms. That was the least of my concerns!
“Pleasepleaseplease,” finally slipped out, and that was enough for Cecil. He came crashing back down on me with renewed fervor, and it wasn’t long before I felt my hips stutter. I found myself wishing that I could move my arms, hold Cecil, make him feel my nails on his back as I came, but the fact that I couldn’t was even more arousing. Cecil wasn’t far behind me, and he held me so tight and that was all I needed.