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It’s ugly and tangled, the ball of unease that’s sitting at the pit of Taehyung’s stomach. It’s dark, festering something sharp and coiled that makes him nauseous. Two years of being together. Two years of hiding, risking their careers, their group, the company—even their families—for love.
It’s not natural for Taehyung to like boys; or rather, that’s what his dad had told him when he’d worked the nerve up to speak with his parents about his lack of interest in marrying a woman. At first they’d been understanding, knowing his career as an idol, he was to be marketable as a single man their fans could envision and hope to date. But when Taehyung had clarified that he, in fact, had no interest in being with a woman at all, his family had been...unenthused. They spoke with him as if he were a child, as if the industry tainted him, made him impressionable to westernized desires.
Maybe his father's voice planted a seed of doubt in Taehyung’s mind. He knew the man had the best intentions for him, but Taehyung was frustrated. The love for his father was abundant, but he didn’t understand .
“Are you on the phone with Yoongi again?” His father had asked on one of their rare weekends free of schedules.
Taehyung hadn’t been, but it made him unsettled to hear his father’s strained tone under the question. Sure, it probably didn’t help that Taehyung had put a picture of his older hyung as his background on his phone, but Taehyung couldn’t help it. Yoongi was so cute, and he was missing him in more ways than one as of late.
His father isn’t rude or hateful, and as the months pass, he had come to a resignation that this is how Taehyung is, who he’s always been. They’re sitting at the table one day, his mother proudly listing some of Taehyung’s younger brother’s accomplishments at school when he sees it. The Bangtan group chat is lively right now, even Jungkook contributing to the conversation. Then he sees a picture get sent in from Namjoon, and it’s of Yoongi on his phone, smiling at it.
This hyung forces me to stay and work yet he spends his time like this and still won’t tell me who it is! Unbelievable!
It being the artist he’s collaborating with. There’s playfulness there, lots of banter, but Taehyung only feels cold. He frowns, checks his private message from the older, and feels his gut twist with something foul when confirming that Yoongi was not texting him. In fact, the older had left him on read. Normally, Taehyung isn’t sensitive to this stuff. He knows how busy they all are, and just how focused they can get when working—Yoongi especially—but Yoongi is in fact on his phone right now, as proved by Namjoon’s photo. And it’s not for Taehyung.
He doesn’t notice his father frowning over his shoulder. “I thought you said he was busy.”
“He is.” Taehyung defends weakly. He is , he tries telling himself. There’s no need to make a fuss because Yoongi hasn’t responded to him...even though he seems perfectly capable to… “He’s working on a song for an artist in the States.”
“Oh?” His father raises a brow. While he might not be 100% on board with Taehyung’s sexuality or relationship, he’s never been one to shy away from bringing up the fellow Daegu boy’s accomplishments. “Who might that be?”
“It’s...confidential.” Taehyung replies lamely, because in all honesty, even he doesn’t know. Yoongi had spoken the words to him, It’s not something I can say right now, Tae.
“You wouldn’t have this problem if you were dating a woman.” His father says, only succeeding in making Taehyung feel like shit. “You’re my son. You are the face of Korea! No person should be ignoring you. They should be tending your needs.”
“Dad, please.” Taehyung whispers, wanting to stay respectful but feeling sick at the words. They hit a little too close to home. Make him realize that it’s been months since he and Yoongi had something even remotely close to a conversation outside of work. It’s been even longer since they’ve had sex. And while Taehyung knows that’s not all their relationship is about, it’s definitely an intimate part of it. He wonders if Yoongi’s getting sick of him. Perhaps he’s been too clingy during practices. Perhaps he’s been too persistent in spending time together on their rest days. Perhaps he’s been too overbearing. Or perhaps… Yoongi’s feelings have dimmed. He wonders what artist his boyfriend is working with. Surely someone great to get a smile like that from him.
“I’m trying hard to be supportive,” his dad says, staring at him from where he sits adjacent from his spot on the sofa in an armchair. “I...this is not what I pictured my family as, but, you bring me so much pride, Taehyung. You are my eldest, and I only want what’s best for you.” He sighs. “It displeases me to see you so upset.”
Taehyung swallows thickly at the words, feeling oddly touched and chastised simultaneously. He supposes parents have that gift. “I wish I could be a perfect son for you, dad.” He says honestly, a little bit broken.
“It’s not perfectionism I wish, baby bear.” His father replies softly, a bit colored in sadness. His old pet name fills Taehyung with something warm, and he recognizes the olive branch for what it is. His father might not be completely understanding, but Taehyung is grateful that he loves him enough to try. “Just your happiness. I don’t see any of these partners you’ve been with bringing you that.”
Yoongi does bring Taehyung happiness though. Or rather, he had? It’s confusing. It’s not so long ago that he remembers feeling a rush of butterflies at holding hands, or a clench of affection in his heart at being kissed. Even just being in each other’s presence had made Taehyung feel safe, and a lingering gaze, adored. Now though..
“Does Yoongi make you happy these days?”
Does he? Taehyung can only answer honestly.
“I...sometimes.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes.” This one is easier to answer.
“Does he love you?”
At this, Taehyung doesn’t have a reply.
—
When he arrives back at the dorms the following week, Taehyung is less than surprised to discover no one is home. Seokjin is most likely out with friends, Namjoon out riding his bicycle, Hoseok no doubt shopping, Jimin still with his own family, and Jungkook out with his brother. Yoongi, he guesses, is in his studio. Not that Taehyung would know, since he hasn’t texted the older in two days, and had been left crying each night to discover his silence wasn’t enough to even induce a response from Yoongi at all.
He unpacks his things and does his laundry to a sad playlist, stewing in his self pity. Namjoon is the first to arrive home, standing at the doorway and greeting him warmly before sitting on his bed. Taehyung gives him a tired smile before continuing to sort through his clothes on the floor.
“Where’s Yoongi hyung?” He asks.
Taehyung shrugs in response, slipping a silk shirt onto a hanger and setting it to the side before moving on to the next piece of clothing. “Probably in his studio.”
Namjoon’s brow burrows and he sits up just a bit straighter. “Is everything okay with you two?”
He doesn’t know why this of all things makes him cry, but Taehyung does. He’s always been comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with Namjoon. Jimin isn’t here to be his shoulder, and truthfully he feels so emotionally drained. He feels lonely in his relationship, tired of trying. Just hearing Namjoon’s genuine concern, it triggers something in Taehyung. Because everything is absolutely not okay with him and Yoongi, and he seems to be the only one troubled over that fact.
“I don’t know.” He presses the palms of his hands to his eyes, hiding the tears until they spill through, trailing down onto his chin.
“Hey, hey,” Namjoon comes to his side immediately, holding him close. “What happened? I thought you two were okay? I thought…”
“We’ve hardly spoken in weeks and I-I...I feel like I’m fighting to hold onto something that’s not even there anymore.” Taehyung gasps out, the words hard to even speak as their truth hits him hard when voiced. “I don’t want to affect the group but I—I’m so—“
“Shh,” Namjoon strokes his back, pulling him close and cradling his head like a child. “Don’t worry about that right now, okay? We are all stronger than that, you and hyung included. I’ll talk to hyung, let him know that—“
“No.” Taehyung pulls away, shaking his head and wiping his eyes. He’s resolute now. Knows that he has to put an end to this before further damage comes from it and really does affect their group, despite what Namjoon thinks. “No, I’ll deal with it.” At Namjoon’s worried look, he continues. “I’ll talk with him tonight. Do you think...We might need some privacy.”
“Of course, Taehyung-ah. Don’t worry, okay? Yoongi hyung loves you. Talk to him before you do anything...irreversible. Everything will work out.”
Taehyung hopes Namjoon’s words are true.
—
He’s sitting at the table, a glass of wine in hand with the bottle in front of him. Taehyung had worked up enough nerve to text Yoongi multiple times after thinking about what he wanted to say.
hyung you coming home soon?
hyung i need you to come home
we need to talk
omw
That’s how Yoongi finds Taehyung, sitting with a single light on, in a baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants. His eyes rimmed red and nose tinted pink, it’s not a welcoming sight.
Taehyung is annoyed with how nervous he feels, how sick he feels. Relationships shouldn’t make anyone feel like this. Being in love shouldn’t feel this bad, but then again, perhaps that’s why most claim that love hurts. Still, he has to put himself first—has to put the band in priority. He has no doubt Yoongi feels the same way, his behavior as of late a testament to that. “Hyung,” he speaks, voice gravelly from the tears he’s shed and the bitter taste of alcohol. He gestures to the seat across from him. “Please sit.”
“Taehyungie,” Yoongi furrows his brows, dumping his bag on the floor and hurrying to the younger’s side, leaning forward to cup the younger’s face before pulling away in hurt to the way Taehyung flinches from his touch. He grimaces, slowly sitting down. “What’s wrong?”
Anger rushes through Taehyung at the question, because surely his boyfriend cannot be so daft, so clueless, but he licks his lips and pushes the emotion down. “I…” He swallows thickly before taking a generous gulp of wine for some courage. “I’m…” He stutters over his words, throat tight with emotion as he struggles to speak them. I think we should break up. I don’t think you love me anymore. I’m not happy. What did I do? Why don’t you love me anymore? Why can’t you show you care?
“Tae,” Yoongi reaches out and grabs his hand, making the younger choke on a sob. The sound alarms Yoongi and he’s up from his seat in seconds, kneeling before Taehyung and trying to gently pry his hands from his face. “Why are you hiding from me? Tae, what's going on? How can I help?”
Taehyung tilts his head back, blinking tears back as he stares at the blurred ceiling. “Yoongi, I think…I think we’ve exhausted our time together.”
There. He’s said it.
Taehyung feels like the world could crack and the ground could part and swallow him up whole and he would not notice. Because all he notices now is Yoongi’s warmth slipping away as the elder’s gaze steels over and he sits back on his haunches, staring at Taehyung as if he’s just spoken another language. “What?”
“I’m—I don’t…” Taehyung exhales wetly. “Nothing feels the same anymore. It feels like—it feels like you’re a million miles away from me. Like there’s this distance between us and no matter how much I’ve been trying, you won’t—you just—“
Yoongi’s face shutters and his arms fall to his side. “I...Tae, baby, is this because of the collab? You know I have to work extra to make it perfect. You know this.”
“Hyung, when was the last time you called me? The last time we kissed? Or fucked for that matter? This has been a lot longer than your collaboration!” Taehyung throws out. “I’m not a machine, you know. I need...I wasn’t asking for all your time, I just—“
“Taehyung, please ,” Yoongi cradles his face, and despite wanting to pull away, Taehyung sits and lets calloused thumbs wipe his tears away. He struggles to keep from sobbing at the touch, feeling Yoongi’s affection after so long. The demons in his head taunt him, tell him that Yoongi is only acting like this now because he’s afraid of change. “I...You’re right. I’ve been ignoring you, but it isn’t why you think.”
“Just say it, hyung.” Taehyung tries to turn away, hiccuping when Yoongi’s grip doesn’t falter. “Just say you don’t love me anymore! Say it so I can put this to—“
“No.” Yoongi shakes his head. “Taehyung, I love you!”
“You don’t!”
“I do .”
Taehyung breaks, confused and conflicted and just downright overwhelmed. “Then why have you been ignoring me? I try to talk with you and you shut me out! I try and initiate spending time together and you close me off! Fuck, hyung, what am I supposed to think?! You don’t come to my bed anymore and you haven’t t-touched me in s-so long,” he sobs again, the loneliness from the past couple months resurfacing as if he’s experiencing the heartache all over again. “What am I supposed to think? How can you say you love me when you haven’t done anything to show it?”
Taehyung hates how much it hurts him to see Yoongi’s face crumple with pain at his words, his own eyes glossing over with tears as they tinge red. He finally releases his grasp of Taehyung’s face, standing up and walking to his bag to pull something out. Taehyung watches in confusion as the elder stands rigid before turning back to him.
“I’m so sorry. Baby, hyung is so sorry for making you feel like this. I don’t have any excuse except that I was...I’ve been afraid. It’s a shitty answer. You deserve better.” He places a tiny box on the table in front of Taehyung and grabs the wine bottle, taking a generous swig before speaking again. “I know the laws here don’t allow certain rights..not for people like us. I—I wanted to ask you anyway, just for us—fuck. Taehyung, I was scared. I was scared to ask and I ended up putting my energy into something else, a song, for you…” Yoongi grips the wine bottle tightly, looking at the floor with a pained expression. “I...I’m so sorry I made you feel like this. Made you think I don’t love you when I—when you’re the only person I would give anything for.”
Stunned, shocked to the point of immobility, Taehyung blinks, and hiccups. He processes the words and looks to the small velvet box in front of him. He’s shaking, not knowing how to digest this declaration when just minutes ago he was sure Yoongi didn’t love him anymore. “You…” his lip trembles, “you were going to—“
“Yeah.” Yoongi nods, picking up the box and opening it to reveal a beautiful silver band with a small blue stone in the middle. “The collaboration is for you. A song for you. I...it’s—I wanted it to be a surprise, but…” Yoongi gets back to a kneeling position, gaze earnest and sincere. “You have to know that I love you. I hurt you, and that’s something I will have to live with, but please. Don’t give up on me. Not yet.”
“You…” Taehyung cries harder, waiting until the moment his body will dry up from all the tears spilt. After he calms down some, Yoongi having moved to pull a chair forward and hold him close, Taehyung pulls away. “I dont want to give up on us. I...I want to say yes, but I don’t think now is the time. Can you accept that?”
Yoongi exhales loudly, something close to relief as he pulls Taehyung in for another embrace. “Of course.” He says softly before humming in thought and adding, “I think hyung might need to work on communicating better.”
“We’ll both work on it.” Taehyung mumbles against his shoulder, holding him tight as he closes his eyes and breathes in Yoongi’s scent. “I should’ve spoken up months ago, but instead I let my unhappiness fester. I’ll work harder.”
“No, Tae, I will. I’ll do better for us. For you. I get so absorbed in my work, I forget to think about much else. Hyung promises to do better.” Yoongi says before they both laugh softly at unintentionally trying to one up the other’s apology.
Taehyung sniffles and grabs the velvet case from the table, closing it. It’s soft in his hand, heavy. Makes him tingle with something like hope. He sniffs quietly and holds it out. “Keep this safe for me?”
“For as long as you need.” Yoongi’s fingers brush over his own as he takes the box, warm and steady. The demons in Taehyung’s head flee, and he feels for the first time in months, peaceful.
Seven months later, when they’re in bed, kissing lazily after a successful concert in Paris, and the release of Yoongi’s latest song featuring one of his favorite artists, Taehyung grabs the elder’s hand and brings his fingers to trace the empty space of his ring finger. Yoongi pulls away from the kiss and lets his thumb circle the elegant digit.
“Hyung?” Taehyung whispers, lips red and kiss bitten.
“Yeah?” The low, fond tone the older speaks pools something warm in Taehyung’s belly as he whispers,
“I’m ready for you to ask me now.”
Yoongi pulls away, stares at him with a searching, loving gaze before grabbing the ring from the suitcase on the floor. When Yoongi crawls back into bed and takes Taehyung’s hand, slipping the ring onto his finger as if he’s the most delicate thing to ever hold and touch, Taehyung vibrates with something that transcends happiness. “Be mine forever?” Yoongi asks in a hopeful whisper.
Taehyung in this moment thinks of his fathers words all those months ago, “ Does he love you?”
He answers unhesitatingly, “Yes.”