Work Text:
"I say, that film was quite the piece of rubbish!", said Karkat, uncharacteristically calm, and wearing a very nice, black suit, clearly meant for special occasions, with his symbol stitched into the front pocket in gray. He also donned a black top hat, and a monocle that he could barely keep on half the time due to his excitable nature. "The relationship in the film was unrealistic! But then again such is the nature of a shallow society which the humans belong to.", He stated to his counterpart as they watched movies on the computers in the lab, sitting in a pair of very fancy Victorian chairs they made using the Alchemiter.
Gritting his teeth on a pipe he kept from his father's wallet and wearing a white sleeved shirt with a green vest, bow-tie, and bowler hat combination, John protested, "Poppycock! Armageddon has a wonderfully flushed relationship between the young madam and her space-faring lover. Truly a Shakespearean master piece!"
Karkat doffed, "Hogwash! In any decent Alternian film, the Bruce Willis human lusus would have thrown the suitor out and left him to die, instead of sacrificing himself. For lack of a far more appropriate phrase, that writing is shithive maggots!", he stated, giving his monocle a slight adjustment.
John took an imaginary puff on his pipe, removed it from his lips, and pointed towards Karkat, "Yes, I do see your point sir, however, humans having a mere single form of love as well as many of the other cultural differences. For our people such a sacrifice is a true moment of heroism and joy!"
Karkat waved a dismissive hand, and then pounded it onto the arm of his chair, jarring his monocle lose once more. "Humbug! Humbuggery of the highest order! Any culture whom believes in such a death being heroic is quite clearly filled with those who have their heads firmly stuck up there waste chutes!"
As John got ready to give his latest retort, he stopped upon hearing someone teleport into the room. Both he and Karkat looked towards the pad to see whom there guest was.
It turned out to be Dave who popped into the room, looking at the two gentlemen before him, and despite his amazing stone face, it was very clear he was disappointed at the spectacle. Staring in an awkward silence before opening his mouth to say "Sup bro and chumpass, it's intervention time up in this bitch."
Karkat adjusted his monocle, scoffing at the comment, while John removed the pipe from his mouth "Why good sir Strider would outstanding gentlemen such as ourselves discussing the various merits of fine film be in need of behavioral adjustment for ones better?"
"Goddamn Egbert, will you stop for a goddamn moment and listen to me?", Dave said masking the irritation in his voice. John nodded and said "Okay, but I want to keep the pipe in my mouth". Dave gave a subtle nod of approval.
"NOW HURRY THE FUCK UP AND TELL ME WHAT THE ISSUE IS, COOL-DOUCHE" Karkat spouted as he began to lose his cool, making his monocle cling to his face for dear life.
"It's cool you dudes got hobbies what with playing Winston Churchill dress up and watching the cinematic equivalent of a dog dragging its ass on a carpet, but you two need to do this shit in private. Nobody wants to watch you two share your kinky alien brolust in public. I mean, it's cool and all you two are happy, but whatever the fuck kind of foreplay this is needs to stay in the bedroom, shit's embarrassing." John stammered in defense of himself, "Hey! that is totally not what's happening here! You are just reading to much into this-"
"Bullshit", Dave interjected, "I know kinky ass roleplay when I see it. Hell, I bet seeing you dolled up in your bow-tie and bowler hat makes Karkles here have the biggest hateboner ever. Hell, he's probably on the verge needing a freaky grub-filled cumbucket as we speak."
"JEGUS FUCK STRIDER! THAT IS SOME SERIOUSLY FOUL SHIT ROLLING OUT OF YOUR VULGAR CHUTE, FLEMFUCKER. WE ARE JUST HAVING SOME GODDAMN PLATONIC FUN, YOU NOOKSNIFFING BULGEBITE" Karkat hollered, his monocle now doing the exact same thing his shit was doing, being flipped completely off the handle.
"Haha no need to get so defensive. I'm cool with whatever you guys do in your spare time, but just do it behind closed doors. Shit, you don't see me and 'Rezi walking around wearing pantless dragon costumes."
"OH SWEET SHITSTAINED MOTHERGRUB I DID NOT WANT THAT FUCKING MENTAL IMAGE", Karkat bellowed in pure disgust as john, who was barely containing his laughter asked "Wait you guys dress up as Dragons?"
"Screw you guys. I only did it once for ironic purposes. Sweet, sexy, magical, irony that a dude can only achieve by getting his weirdest bone on. Besides, we aren't here to talk about my weird ass alien sex life, we are here to talk about you two playing Sherlock fucking Holmes hate date mystery games together in public. I mean have a bit of goddamn shame you two."
John protested once again, "Dave, I'm serious, there isn't anything to this. Okay?"
Immediately afterward, Karkat blurted out "YES LISTEN TO YOUR DUMBASS FRIENDLEADER. I MEAN, EVEN IF HYPOTHETICALLY ONE OF US SAW THIS AS A POTENTIAL WAY TO FAN A BUDDING ILLICIT INTERSPECCIES BLACK ROMANCE, IT SHOULDN'T BE ANYONE ELSE'S GODDAMN BUSINESS" "Uh..what?", John looked at Karkat, filling the room with another awkward silence.
"Awesome Poker Face there, Vantas.", Dave said smugly, which lead to Karkat flipping him the bird. "Anyways, since I have an art jam with a certain psycho shark-toothed blind chick, I'm gonna wrap this up. Just keep from doing this shit in the middle of the goddamn lab. John, either admit your love for dudes, or stop being a bulge tease. Karkat, go fuck yourself, and before either one of you take that as an invitation, No Homo." With that, Dave left the room, leaving John and Karkat both dazed and confused about what just happened.
"WHAT THE FUCK DOES 'NO HOMO' MEAN?", Karkat said puzzled.
"It means Dave isn't a homosexual, Karkat.", John replied.
"I STILL DON'T GET HOW THAT IS EVEN A THING.." Karkat sighed.
John cheerfully removed his pipe and pointed it towards Karkat, "Don't worry about Him, he just doesn't get the pleasure of being a true gentlemen. Now pick up that Monocle and lets watch Wild, Wild, West!"
"HELL YES! AND AFTER WE WILL DEBATE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN TROLL AND HUMAN WILL SMITH!", Karkat cheered, placing his much mangled Monocle back on his face, as John put in the next film.