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The stimulation of a warm tongue, flat against the vein that ran underneath his shaft was enough to make his knees buckle. Then the sight of those lips, so beautifully full and always perfectly pink, swollen around the base had Jibeom gripping soft brown locks of hair, trying terribly to halt the rush of an orgasm that settled in his stomach. The few tears that would escape from the corner of Jaehyun’s eyes as he looked up through those long lashes, swallowing around the flushed pink tip that hit the back of his throat. It was all too much for Jibeom, it made his blood run hot through his veins, his body going into a fever-like state from the sight alone.
Those lips, whether they were mouthing at the bulge in his briefs or in that goddamn perfect, natural pout were an addiction of Jibeom’s. They had become a craving, a fixation and great desire and he had never even felt them besides when they pressed against his skin and wrapped savourly around his appendages. He found himself at times staring, and cursing himself wondering why of all things he had to infatuate himself with Jaehyun’s lips, with Jaehyun alone. They would never be his to capture within his own, and despite the painful awareness he has of such facts he couldn’t help but want to feel the softness against his lips more and more.
Whatever these early mornings with hushed whispers, late nights with hands clamped over mouths were, neither quite remember when it started. The routine had just melted into their daily life, becoming something as regular as brushing their teeth. They hadn't really thought about when it would end, for now it just stayed like this, sharing their sheets and bodies with each other. They were both content doing such, devouring each other in mindless pleasure and giving into their sinful nature. It was simply their way of releasing stress, and they were okay with those terms. They needed nothing more for now.
The established rule that their lips were to never touch was unspoken, but both fully aware of its placement. Neither had enough courage to act so bravely anyways, too afraid to push the undecided boundaries of their odd, sexual dynamic. Their relationship, whatever they felt their quick fucking should be called, was too good to demolish with a kiss. For Jibeom, he was simply terrified that the second he'd be able to catch Jaehyun's plump lips within his own, he'd never pull away.
He fought with himself every time he fell into the sheets with Jaehyun, or when he pressed him against the slick tiles of the shower. He would remind himself that although his fantasties included their lips against each other to the point of breathlessness, reality did not. Jibeom wished so badly to silence all the sounds that he drew out of the boys throat with his lips but instead it became regular for him to slip his slim fingers between Jaehyun's lips. It was the closest he could get without breaking the silent rule between them. It was the closest he could get to the dreams and intrusive thoughts that haunted him, and to easing the fluttering of his heart.
As their meetings became more frequent and the undressing of each other more frenzied, Jaehyun had begun to notice the way Jibeom stared. Not in the way that Jaehyun himself would stare, not with that fucked out look but with a sense of adoration and lust that went beyond the meshing of their bodies. The look that hopeless romantics dream to receive one day.
There had been a night where they had shared a bed, Jaehyun’s chest rising and falling quickly while he caught his breath. Ribbons of his cum painted his abdomen, glistening on his ribcage and his ring of muscles clenched tightly around Jibeom's member. The man above him caged his head with his arms, their foreheads pressed against one another, noses brushing so genlty against each other as they stilled in the aftermath of their bliss. The way Jibeom gazed at him, the way he admired him and bore into his eyes with those warm brown irises. It was addicting at first but Jaehyun felt a sense of wrong, it was so wrong. He watched how the same eyes glanced at his own parted lips, how they watched every slight movement they made with the short breaths he released. He could see the urge to kiss him dance in his mind, flickering like a flame behind those large, daunting eyes.
Jibeom was stupid that night. He was an idiot to begin kissing those full, rosy cheeks, peppering the rest of his face with the gentlest pressing of his lips. He was a fool to let his mouth get that close, close enough to feel the corner of those lips he adores against his own. That sensation was plenty to send his brain into overdrive. An overdrive that came to a halt in the quickest moment.
“We can’t kiss.”
It came out like a hushed whisper, husky, low and barely audible. It was shaky, there was a stutter mid-sentence, almost as if Jaehyun wanted to stop talking and take back his words. Almost.
Jibeom pulled away, the oddest sensation filling his heart as he processed what the boy underneath him had said. His skin went cold, goosebumps beginning to litter his body everywhere. It wasn’t enough to bring tears to his eyes, perhaps because he wasn’t one to cry in front of others, but it felt like his heart was tearing. Jibeom felt heartbroken over the simplest of words. He went from feeling so full, and sensible to being an empty shell made of grief. He swallowed his pain though, pulled the curtain over the window into the shattered little muscle in his chest and tried to push away the frown that was tugging at his lips.
“That’s fine. We won’t then,” was all he could muster.
Of course, Jibeom had more to say, so much more. He wanted to yell, he wanted to know why he could have the most intimate parts of Jaehyun but not his lips. He wondered if after all the nights they spent with their limbs tangled within each other, and all those mornings where he had to hold himself back from pressing bruises into those beautiful hips, was he the only one to begin feeling something more than lust? Was he the only one with a shard in his stomach and a loss of appetite?
Those thoughts were pushed out of his head quickly, they were rushing in too fast for him to handle and it made it difficult to hide the pain he was feeling. There was no way Jibeom knew what Jaehyun felt without hearing it from the boy himself. He tried to will himself into believing that he was simply overreacting, that Jaehyun too felt hurt and guilty from his own words.
“You promise?” Jaehyun said quietly, his gaze wavering above Jibeom’s, too afraid to capture those large, captivating eyes with his own.The boy above him didn’t waver when he promised. He dared to even lift the corner of his lips into the smallest of smiles after, leaving Jaehyun slightly shocked with wide eyes.
It hurt Jibeom to promise so easily that he would fight the urge to kiss him, but he'd rather that then throw away all chances of sliding his hands over Jaehyun's slim figure again. Gripping the ridges of those hips and digging his nails into milky thighs while he drove his hips into him again and again, he never wanted to give it up. He would resist if it meant he could still touch him, even if it were just with his hands.
The pain was unbearable at times. The realization of his unrequited love flooded his mind constantly. It hit when they were simply watching movies, or standing in line to get a coffee on an early morning. It came crashing down like furious waves when they found themselves diving into each others bodies, Jaehyun on Jibeom’s lap, hips moving furiously against one another, he had to bury his face into the boy’s collarbone, latching onto the pale skin to keep the begging thoughts at bay.
Some days, out of pure frustration Jibeom would push the boy onto his knees and take his mouth, watching intensely how those addictive lips, wet with spit, and the most delicious color of red, wrapped around him. He wanted to hear choked sobs and feel Jaehyun swallow around him. He wanted so badly for Jaehyun to feel the burning sensation in his throat that he feels when he thinks of their wretched promise. Perhaps he was horrible for wanting him to feel the same pain, but he truly had no other way to dispense his anger and heartbreak than with Jaehyun’s body.
Other nights, he’d take Jaehyun from behind, press his hickey covered chest into the mattress, make him cry out and beg for a release of some sort. It was simply because if he took him any other way, lips in sight, Jibeom would practically explode trying to hold back his need to kiss, to feel something other than his flesh and the sensation of bruising his skin.
It was overwhelming for both of them. Jibeom was different. He moved differently, grasped at Jaehyun’s thighs unlike he had ever before, teethed at the skin on the back of his neck in a way he never did before. They no longer melted into each other as they once did, they were not one but two people. They were still in sync, never missing a beat, the pleasure was still the same but they were off.
“Beom,” Jaehyun mumbled, eyes hazy and voice the slightest bit hoarse.
Jibeom just hummed in response, not bothering to look over at the slim, gorgeously tired boy beside him. He couldn’t stand how much his heart sped up at the sight he made, the captivating scene of Jaehyun with tousled hair, swollen lips and glassy eyes that he painted himself.
“Is something wrong?”
Oh, how his heart shattered once again. Jibeom hated how the simplest words have the tendency to tear him apart in the most vicious ways. He felt pain again, everywhere, it tingled in his toes and ran up his legs, gathered in his stomach and surrounded his heart.
“What do you think?” Jibeom asked in return. It came out harsher than he meant. He could feel the frown make its way on those lips he adores.
An awkward silence settled between them. All that filled the air was their breathing, and the rustling of sheets as they both shifted here and there. This was nothing like them, they never had awkward silences, and the rare moments they did Jibeom’s wittiness came in handy. There was something sour between them, they had fallen completely out of sync, they moved at completely different paces now.
“I want to kiss you,” Jibeom began shakily, taking a deep breath, “I want to kiss you so badly. Except we don’t kiss. We don’t do that, we promised not to do that and we’re not ever going to kiss and that hurts.”
Jaehyun sat up, the blankets falling from his shoulders, piling in his lap and exposing his chest to the cool air of his room. He stared at him, he stared at Jibeom with parted lips and knotted eyebrows, he was so painfully confused and unsure of everything that was just said. He stared, for a while, just like Jibeom had been staring for weeks, months, but it wasn’t a gaze of admiration, just uncertainty and guilt.
Jibeom still refused to look over, instead his eyes settled on the ceiling fan, watching as it spun in its place, voice breaking that terrible silence, “I can’t do this, Jaehyun. I can’t go back to when it was normal, I can’t act like when I promised I’d never try to kiss you again it didn’t hurt.”
The other boy had no words in return. He was stunned, frozen in the moment. His mind cycled through thoughts and emotions like a child does with a radio. Jaehyun was lost, he was so unsure of it all, he was feeling nothing and everything at once and he had never felt so unhinged in his life.
“I like you. I think I’m in love with you, and it’s not because we fuck like dogs. I am in love with you, Jaehyun. I love you whether we’re in the sheets or not, whether we’re acting like friends or lovers, I love you. I can’t touch you without wanting to kiss you, sometimes looking at you is painful. I thought I’d get over it but you’re so beautiful that it won’t leave me alone.”
Finally, he sat up as well. He spoke while staring straight at Jaehyun with those eyes. Those big, dreamy eyes which were glazed over with a sheet of tears. He was broken inside, he had no filter at this point, the crack in his heart allowed for everything to slip out.
He wasn’t talking to convince him of feeling any differently. Jibeom was aware that Jaehyun saw him as a best friend, someone who would be there intimately, and that was all. He is nothing more, and nothing less. It was something that took time to accept, but Jibeom knows. Instead, he was talking in order to let it go. He couldn’t plan to get over the butterflies he feels, and dances his stomach does when Jaehyun simply smiles, if they were still drowning him inside. All the compliments he wished he had the courage to say, the romantic gestures he so badly wanted to act upon, they were finally being let out.
“We don’t have to do anything,” Jaehyun said in response, worry and the smallest bit of guilt filling his voice, “you’re my best friend, Jibeom. I’ve never loved you more than that, but if it hurts you to know that, then don’t force yourself to feel or do anything.”
Jibeom smiled at that. Not because it made him happy, it hurt him terribly, it terrified him beyond words. It was undoubtedly the worst thing he’s had to hear come from between those lovely lips. It was the final hit to his heart, but he smiled. He smiled because although they’re both aware of the one sided love Jibeom’s caught himself in, Jaehyun still handled him gently, as he has for the years they’ve been friends. He still acted kindly and beautifully without a second thought, and those are the actions that made Jibeom foolishly fall in love.
In a moment, Jibeom cupped the cheeks of his love, and brought his lips to the ones he’s adored endlessly. He knew that Jaehyun did not love him back, but his scent was overwhelming him and his thoughts had been running for far too long that there was no way he would be able to keep his mouth away from Jaehyun’s. And despite such, Jaehyun kissed back. Not because he was in love, but because he knew Jibeom wanted so desperately to let go of him.
He had thought that after all the time he spent staring at the lips that were finally against his, watching them form around moans and whines, how they stretched into the prettiest of smiles, that he would know all there is to them. Except he didn’t, because the breath in his lungs was completely knocked out and he had never imagined they’d be this warm and gentle.
They melted into each other, just as they used to. They had synced once again, so perfectly that you’d never be able to tell where one starts and the other ends. It wasn’t dirty, not like all their other intimate moments. It was clean, innocent, one steeped in passion, and Jibeom’s stomach had erupted with those same feelings of butterflies. He was lost in the taste of Jaehyun, the taste he craved so badly, it was an abyss and the boy was content if he never found his way out.
They pulled away, both breathless, eyes still shut and foreheads pressed gently against one another. Jibeom savoured the moment, hands still cupping the soft skin of the other’s cheeks, head rushing and heart beating quickly against his ribcage. He was content. He wanted more, and he knew he would, but the single kiss satisfied his long ache. He would be okay without the feeling of those pretty lips against his again, without the addictive taste of Jaehyun in his mouth. It was comforting in a way, to know he was already one step closer to letting go.