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He put his varsity coat around Craig’s slight shoulders, shivering gently from the combination of the rain and the cold. He reached over and turned the heat up, warming their bones. He looked over at Craig, his profile. His pretty dark eyes and his long dark lashes. The tears clumped his lashes together and looked down at his hands.
“I'm not ready to go home yet, can we just sit here for a while?” He looked over at him with those big dark fuck me eyes and Clyde was powerless to say no. He was powerless as soon as he got Craig’s text, on a cold, rainy night when he was just getting relaxed, had on sweatpants and Red Dead Redemption 2 in the playstation. Anytime Craig came calling, he came running, it had always been like that. Jimmy and Token would tease him he was whipped for a boy he wasn’t even dating. They didn’t know he was in love with him, that he would have done anything to make Craig happy.
He loved him through Craig’s childhood relationship with Tweek. He watched Tweek walking him home from school, holding hands. He watched them at the sixth grade dance, Craig’s hands on Tweek’s shoulders and Tweek’s arms looped around his waist. They swayed gently without rhythm to a syrupy Taylor Swift love song. He watched them kiss softly and uncertain after the dance, both of their cheeks burning in childhood embarrassment.
Craig cried gently on his shoulder after his breakup with Tweek. Clyde holding his friend in his arms, letting him cry all over his Broncos jersey.
“I really liked him, I wish he didn’t have to move away.” Tweek was moving to Indiana to live with his grandparents. Long distance definitely didn’t work when you were twelve, it was all for the best. Clyde could see this clearly, he was usually the emotional one. Understanding feelings was something he was well equipped to handle. Craig was ruled by logic, he didn’t understand things that weren't in front of him, that there wasn't any concrete proof on. This was throwing him and he didn’t like things he couldn’t understand. He needed everything to be in it’s box, he knew how to process what should be. So Clyde was going to have to be there for him, he was going to have to be there to help him understand this.
‘I know dude, but this is for the best. Tweek’s parents suck, he deserves more than that.” He reached up and stroked over soft watermelon scented black hair. He tucked Craig under his chin and they stayed like that for a moment. Clyde knew then, he knew something big was on the horizon. That his feelings for Craig wasn’t like his feelings for Bebe, they were real and rooted in something. Friendship and trust and he wondered what it would feel like to hold his hand and kiss his soft pink mouth. He tightened his grip on his best friend a little too hard as Craig started to doze on his chest.
Craig started dating Jeff Hammond in the seventh grade. He played the drums in a shitty pop punk band and he had a bad attitude and he was just another obstacle to him. One more hurdle to jump through to win Craig’s heart. But he was in it, he liked competition and this just played into it. Craig was a prize, a smart, pretty prize. He was someone to be treasured. He could do this, he just had to wait this out.
So he did. He waited out Jeff, that didn’t last long to be honest. They had nothing in common and they were in middle school, their attention span wasn’t all that long. Then came shockingly Kyle Broflovski. They bonded over their accelerated courses, their shared love for manga and kissing for hours. He heard Mr Tucker complaining about it to his father. That Broflovski kid is over all the time, kissing his son and being disrespectful. He couldn’t wait until Craig got bored of him like the Hammond kid and moved on.
Clyde couldn’t wait either. Kyle walked around school with his arm around Craig’s slim shoulder, blah blahing about whatever trouble Stan and them were getting into and whatever class they were going to study for. This one lasted longer than Jeff, until the summer before high school when they decided they wanted to break up and go into high school single. Craig didn’t cry like his did over Tweek, but he was a little down and spent the first half of the summer watching a mix of space documentaries, Sailor Moon and Riverdale. Clyde could recite all of these things word for word as they huddled in the blanket fort they built and drank sugary cokes.
“This will be epic dude, we’ll both be single.” Clyde looked down at Craig, who was half lying on him and pulling his weighted blanket around his bony frame. “Kyle Broflovski is a know it all anyways, he thinks he’s so much smarter than everyone.” Craig didn’t argue at that, just gave him a half smile.
Clyde wanted to say something, but it’s hard to put yourself out there. What if Craig broke his heart and they couldn’t be friends anymore? He was sitting by himself at lunch one day when Kenny McCormick sat down across from him.
“What's your problem Donovan?” He wasn’t wearing his hood up anymore and was handsome and easy going. Everyone liked him and he liked him too.
“I like this person and I don’t know how to tell them.” He pushed his pizza around on his plate and god he was wasting food. Good food too. He felt unsure and clumsy and he hated that too. He felt like he wasn’t at home in his skin and his brain right now which was half clouded with love and lust and he imaged fucking Craig three times last night and now he couldn’t get it out of his brain. He wanted to touch soft freckled skin and feel his bony frame under his and hear Craig moan his name in that monotone voice. He wanted to hold him in his arms and stroke his soft black hair. He wanted to bend him over the lunch table and mount him in front of their friends. Claim him and rub it in Kyle’s face and show the world that Craig Tucker belonged to him.
But it wasn’t that easy and those were stupid hormonial teenage fantasies for pulling his dick to. Craig was a living breathing person. He had to navigate this all carefully, so he could get what he wanted without losing what he had.
“It's easy dude, you just have to be honest.” Kenny told him with his little crooked smile. “I’ll show you man.” He leaned back in his chair and looked around the cafeteria, eyes locking on a target. “Hey Tucker.” He said looking at Craig. He was balancing his lunch bag, his books and his viola in his arms. “I like you, go out with me this weekend.” He gave him a crooked smile. Clyde felt his heart dropped into his stomach as Craig smiled his own crooked smile back at Kenny.
“Ok, pick me up on Saturday at 7.” He sat next to Clyde and across from Kenny. He watched Craig give Kenny half of his provolone, tomato and butter lettuce sandwich and his chocolate chip cookies and Clyde wanted to kill himself. It was so easy for guys like Kenny, with self confidence and an easy going nature. Clyde wasn’t a deep thinker, he wasn’t a great thinker. But he knew he loved Craig Tucker and he watched as he was being charmed by another boy.
He really thought this one would go quick, Craig Tucker had nothing in common with Kenny McCormick. Craig like order and calm and quiet. He took Ap classes and played the viola and was a member of the National Honor Society. He studied and was sarcastic and wasn’t great at communicating his feelings. Kenny McCormick was lively and open and prone to getting in trouble. They made an odd pair and their connection seemed to be based on the fact they liked to makeout all day and do very little speaking. He was sure it would fizzle out and this time, he was taking Kenny’s advice, he was going to tell him how he felt.
But it didn’t fizzle out quickly. He watched them kissing by Craig’s locker, Kenny’s knee between Craig’s thigh, his hands on his hips moving towards his ass and squeezing.
“This is mine.” Kenny murmured in his ear, sucking on the spot underneath. “This is mine too.” He gave his ass a playful squeeze. He was fighting the urge to roll his eyes openly at them, but they managed to separate and Kenny threw an arm around his shoulder.
“Craig rode my dick so hard last night I thought it was going to snap off.” He laughed showing his charming gap toothed smile. “He’s perfect, I'm so in love with him.” Clyde forced a smile on his face and nodded.
“He’s awesome.” He said half heartedly. Craig was awesome, he was smart and weird and funny. He loved his guinea pig and he smelled good. He liked the way he felt around him when he wasn’t with Kenny. He liked Kenny too, they were friends. He hated that he hated them together. But god, he had waited and waited and waited and nothing had changed.
College applications brought stress and headaches and he noticed they weren’t as lovey touchy as they were before. Craig spent most of his time going on college visits and classes on how to best apply for your dream school. One day he noticed they weren’t talking at all at lunch and they weren’t holding hands in the hallway. They seemed to be growing apart and while that made him feel good, he noticed Craig looked sad.
That brought him to tonight. Craig crying in his car with his varsity jacket around his shoulders. The rain pounding on the roof and Say Anything playing softly on the radio. He reached over and rubbed Craig’s back gently, little soothing circles into it.
“Is this about Kenny?” He had to ask. He hoped it was and they were broken up and this could be his chance.
“No, we broke up weeks ago. He got into U of Denver and I have my heart set on Stanford, it wasn’t going to work.” He admitted to him. ‘It's about my dad. We keep fighting about college, he wants me to stay close, go to a cheaper school. I don’t think he’s going to help pay to go out of state. I'm going to be stuck in South Park.” Craig had wanted to escape for as long as he could remember. Dreaming of going away to college, going to work for NASA and going to the moon someday. Being trapped in this tiny mountain town would be the worst thing that could ever happen to him, the death of his dreams.
“Craig.” He started and he was bad at this. He was good at having feelings, but horrible at talking about them in a nuanced way. ‘You’re going to make it to your dream college, you’re really smart.” He reached over and put his arm around his bony shoulder. Craig was the smartest person he had ever known. He was one of the only people who cared about school and doing well and not fucking around. He barely had any fun and spent his time striving for more. There was no way he wasn’t going away to school. Clyde on the other hand…. He would be going to community college and working at his dad’s store.
“What if I'm trapped here? I'm going to end up like one of these insane adults in our town.” He pulled his knees up to his chest and looked over at Clyde over them. He had to laugh at that, he imagined Craig going rabble rabble rabble or forcing his kids to become Mongolians. Craig jumping to the most extreme conclusion, never stopping to think about what it was doing to his children. That wasn’t Craig, he liked things a certain way, the most logical way.
“No you won't, you’re too smart.” He reached over and put his hand on Craig’s chin, tilting his face up to look at him. He looked into those dark eyes and he was powerless again, he would have done anything for him. He felt warm weight in his lap as Craig crawled into it, pressing his forehead to his. Craig’s hands on his shoulders and his hands moving to Craig’s bony hips as he straddled him. The moment between them growing heated, he told him exactly what he needed to hear and it seemed he would be rewarded for that.
He leaned in and kissed that soft pink mouth he had been dreaming of since he was ten years old. He kissed him and kissed him until his mouth hurt. He kissed him until he felt he was going to burst and Craig was rolling his skinny hips down on his and he was groping his bony ass.
“Let me fuck you please.” He murmured against the side of his throat, leaving bruises and marks in his wake. He was going to fuck Craig Tucker and he was going to wreck him so no other boy would ever be good enough. He was pulling his varsity jacket off Craig’s shoulders and Craig was pulling off his football hoodie. Craig’s hands were on his back, his nails digging into it. He was leaving his mark as well it seemed and it made him groan.
“Yeah, you can fuck me Clyde.” He moaned softly tossing his head back so Clyde had better access to his throat. It was moving fast, too fast and somehow, wasn’t fast enough. He was pulling down Craig’s star printed pajama pants and Craig was going for his sweatpants. He looked impressed by his dick, he couldn’t blame him. He had only really seen Kenny McCormick’s and it couldn’t be that great right?
“Do you have something? Like condoms or lube or anything?” Craig moaned softly in his ear. It wasn’t like he planned this, he had dreamed about it and wanted it, but it was like he planned it. He knew he had a condom in his wallet from the 9th grade. It was the prelubed kind and he would have to go slow, be gentle. Stretch him carefully, he knew there was hand lotion in here somewhere too from last time he was dating Bebe.
“I have lotion and a pre lubed condom baby, we’ll go slow, ok?” He kissed his fears away and he squirted some of the lotion into his palm. He stretched Craig gently, slowly so he could get used to it. He heard Craig start moaning softly, trying to fuck himself on his fingers.
“More please” He whimpered softly. “Clyde I need it.” He gripped his shoulders, digging his nails in, pulling him closer. He wanted more, he wanted him, this was everything he could dream of. He pushed into Craig slowly, easing himself in. He heard a whimper when he bottomed out and started to move. He was trying not to cum too quickly, trying to make this last. He wanted to stay there forever in Craig’s tight heat, he felt like his body was sucking him in, holding him close. He watched as Craig was bouncing on his dick, his big doe eyes closed and his head thrown back. He was riding him faster and harder and he wanted more. He gripped his bony hips in his hands, wanting to leave his own marks. He was bruised like a banana, pretty blooms on his throat and collarbones and shoulders. Clyde Donovan was here, he had him. He had Craig Tucker with his shiny dark hair and big pretty eyes and soft freckled skin. He fucked him, he let him ride his dick until his skinny little frame gave out. He heard Craig started to moan a little louding, panting and needy and begging him for more.
“Harder please Clyde fuck.” His head thrown back, his long throat on his display. He watched a hand slide down Craig’s torso until he started to pull at his dick, he wanted release, he needed release. Craig came with his name on those pretty pink lips and it was all Clyde needed to follow him. He gripped those sharp little hips and thrust up into him three more time before it was over. Craig collapsing on him in exhaustion, arms looped loosely around the back of his neck. He wasn’t ready to pull out of him yet, just wanted to be this close a little longer. He stroked over his hair gently, making sure to pet the tips of his ears, that always seemed to make him relax and purr softly.
“You know I'm in love with you right?” He said into Craig’s soft dark hair. He knew he was asleep and he couldn’t hear him. “Im fucking crazy about you.” He nuzzled the top of his head gently. He drifted off and felt himself being shaken a few hours later.
“Take me home, my parents are furious I've been out all night. If they say anything, tell them we fell asleep watching a movie.” Craig was pulling his clothes back on, golden slices of skin disappearing from his eyes. They didn’t talk about the night they spent together, but it didn’t seem to make things awkward either. It just was and he would never regret it. He wouldn’t regret any of the time he spent with Craig that summer or helping him pack his room up. His father eventually relenting and letting him go off to Stanford. It was ten hours from California to South Park and that distance didn’t seem too bad when you thought about it. They were best friends, talking everyday, he had to keep Craig updated on what was going on in town. Craig telling him about California and everything he was learning out there.
He came home for Christmas break and he counted down every single one of those hours. Craig would be home, the groundwork was laid. He was going to tell him he was in love with him. He went over to the Tucker’s in his nicest, non stained shirt. He combed his hair and he brought blue hydrangeas. He knocked on the door and he was going to tell him.
“Hey dude! I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” He was greeted by the sunny gap toothed smile of Kenny McCormick. He was standing in the Tucker’s doorway wearing orange boxer briefs and nothing else.
“Oh hey man, what are you doing here? Is Craig around?” He felt his heart drop like it did that day in the ninth grade when Kenny asked out Craig. He saw Craig coming down the stairs messy haired and bruised like a banana. He had on Kenny’s University of Colorado Denver hoodie and a pair of blue striped pyjamas pants. He smiled when he saw him and rushed towards Clyde in a friendly hug.
“I'm so happy to see you! I've missed you.” He lead Clyde in and started a pot of tea. “Lets catch up, let me put the tea on.” He watched Kenny make himself at home on the Tucker’s couch, feet on the coffee table. Kenny’s golden hair had gotten shaggier and he was letting his stubble grown out.
“So Kenny is here, when did you run into him?” He tried to sound casual like they weren’t ripping his heart in two. He felt like someone punched him in the chest, it hurt more than anything in this world.
“Kenny surprised me on campus. I was going to get a ride home with a friend in my dorm who also lives in Colorado, but I came out of class and Kenny was waiting for me. We’ve been talking again and we decided to get back together. I missed him.” Craig sat down next to Kenny and nestled into his side. He poured Clyde a cup of tea and one for himself. Kenny declined and took a red bull out of the Tucker’s fridge.
“Thats awesome, I'm so happy for you guys.” He blinked back tears and hoped they didn’t notice. This was it, this was supposed to be his shot. He had slept with him, they spent all that time together over the summer. Talked everyday, this is supposed to be the day he confessed his love and Craig would return it and they would be happy.
But it wasn’t. Craig didn’t love him. He had never loved him, he had always belonged to someone else. It was time to give up, to move on. He had to let him go so he could be happy, they both could be. It would be hard and god, it already hurt. It hurt so badly, it felt like he had this weight on his chest. But he knew he had to try. For the first time in nine years, he had to try and move on.
He walked home that night and looked up at the stars. It was a cold clear night in South Park and this felt like this first day of life. He was going to wake up tomorrow, he was going to spend time with his friends while they were home from college. He would be there for Craig, he would be the best friend he saw him as. He would encourage his dreams and be a shoulder to cry on during his failures. He wished things were different, he wished he had the balls to tell him how he felt last summer. But he didn’t. He didn’t tell him and he lost him for it.
But that didn’t mean he was out of his life for good. Maybe things weren’t working exactly how he wanted. But they were friends and he would wake up tomorrow and it would be the first day he was trying to move on.