Chapter Text
Henry: Okay boys, it looks like our ride is here! It seems like the other adults have come in their low mileage van, that's not great for the Earth but, you know, I guess we’re carpooling so it's okay. C’mon kids, let’s go!
...
Darryl: Woah! Hey there, boys! Hey, you must be Henry! How’s it goin’? My name’s Darryl, Darryl Wilson!
Henry: H-Hey, Henry, it’s, uh, wait—
Anthony: You guys don’t have to actually, physically shake hands in real life!
Matt: Hey there, man, it’s just about being polite, you can tell a lot about a man from a handshake!
Henry: Hey there, Darryl, these are my two beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow—
Darryl: Sorry, I misheard that, what were their names again?
Henry: [slowly]**Lark and Sparrow, that’s Lark Oak and Sparrow Oak, and we’re so excited for the game today. You know, my kid, Sparrow, drew the Doodler! So we’re really pumped to see these new uniforms.
...
Henry: All those art lessons at the Montessori preschool he went to really paid off.
Darryl: [whispers] Hey Glenn, take a look at this guy, am I right?
....
Darryl: I like your boys!
[...]
Henry: Are you boys buckled up back there?
Lark and Sparrow: Boy, oh boy, are we ever!
Darryl: Alright!
Anthony: If you look, they’re super not.
Darryl: Uh, hey Henry! I don’t mean to call your kids a liar, but—
Henry: Oh they’ll buckle up once we get started.
Lark/Sparrow: Relationships are built on trust, that’s what you tell me. You should trust that we’re going to buckle up!
Henry: You know, I’m tryna’ let them make their own decisions, it’s called free-range parenting.
Matt: I stare at the mirror for a very long time and finally I just start driving without a word.
---
Darryl: Sounds good! Hey, Ron and Henry, would you mind sharing a seatbelt? I don’t want anybody to not be buckled up and there’s not enough for you back there, so…
Ron: No, it’s okay, safety is not a priority—
Henry: No problem!
Will: I go ahead and I reach the seatbelt around and buckle in with Ron.
Matt: Fantastic, I turn on some kick ass dad-rock. Freddie what is good dad-rock... I mean—
Darryl: Hey, Glenn, why don’t we play some of your music? You got any CDs or cassette tapes?
Henry: Actually my wife, Mercedes Oak-Garcia, she’s on KPSC right now doing the Rock Block of Bach! If you guys wanna listen to a little baroque-period music.
Darryl: Hey Ron, what sort of music do you like to listen to?
Ron: Um, Rufus Wainwright?
Darryl: Alright, I’m puttin’ on 60s and 70s greatest hits as we go.
Matt: And I turn on and it starts playing Led Zeppelin.
Anthony: Okay, you head off towards the regional soccer tournament.
----
Henry: Uh, excuse me Mr. Driver, sir, Darryl, hi, it’s me Henry here—
Darryl: I know your name, Henry, don’t worry about it, how’s it going buddy?
Henry: —here in the way back seats with my two boys, Lark and Sparrow, I was wondering if you have any band-aids up there? Lark and Sparrow have been goofing around, I’ve been trying to keep these two knuckleheads under control and I think we’ve got a bit of a booboo situation out here.
Darryl: Grant, give ‘em some bandaids from that survival pack right there underneath your seat.
....
Anthony: Alright, you miss with the iodine. The bottle spills all over the backseat of the Odyssey.
...
Henry: Oh geez! Oh geez! Oh geez! I’m so sorry, Darryl.
Matt: I can’t even respond, Darryl just keeps driving. He turns up the volume of “Graceland”.
Freddie: And from the back I notice his knuckles: white, as they grip the steering wheel.
---
Henry: Gentleman, I would like to talk about the rocks for a second. I can’t help but— do you remember that scene in Jurassic Park where Ellie Satler, the very attractive Laura Dern, is looking at the leaves and she notices that the leaves are different and that’s kinda the first clue that—
Matt: Darryl Wilson’s turning up the volume.
[all laugh]
Henry: [louder] —that something strange is going on! I can’t help but notice that these rock formations are quite unusual, I really think we should pull over!
...
Matt: I make the sign of the cross.
...
Darryl: Grant! Grant! Grant, call your mom, Grant! Something’s happening, Grant! Call your mom!
Grant: Oh, I got a victory royale. Hell yeah.
...
Darryl: Grant!
---
Anthony: Every single sense that you have is overtaken, you feel with more certainty than gravity exists, that up is up and down is down, that you have not been a good father to your child.
Matt: Darryl Wilson takes his sunglasses that are on the top of his baseball cap and puts them over his eyes so nobody can see him crying, because he is absolutely weeping.
---
Darryl: Roll call! Darryl Wilson here, roll call!
Henry: Henry Oak, sounding off from the back, Darryl!
Darryl: Don’t care about Henry, anybody else, roll call! Grant? Roll call! Kids, Grant?
...
Henry: I don’t wanna be a bother, but my sons are also missing.
...
Matt: I put the child safety locks on—
Darryl: Everybody stop for a second!
...
Anthony: Okay, so you can tell almost immediately that something is very wrong. Not just the fact that, you know, your kids are gone, but the sun is not in the right position from where you just were. When you were driving it was about to become noon, and now it looks more like it’s almost sunset. The trees around you are not trees you’ve ever seen in California before, and there’s a lot fewer mountains than you thought, you remember you were right next to a mountain and you don’t see the mountain anymore.
Darryl: Guys, it’s pretty weird out here.
…
Will: I’m slowly trying to curtail the excitement I’m feeling about all this new discovery stuff, I’m freaked out about my kids but I’m also like “Whoa, this is crazy, something crazy’s going on” so I try to project an air of authority to mask the fact that I’m more excited than I care to admit.
….
Henry: Alright! Alright! Everybody listen up! It is very important that when we’re in a survival situation, we all stay calm! So please stay calm, please stay calm! Our sons are not dead probably, although they might be! And there has been many scary rocks and new trees unlike anything I’ve ever seen before, so I just think it’s really important that we all stay calm. I just wanted to say that again, I’m Henry Oak, it’s nice to meet you all and I’m sorry about the iodine.
---
Darryl: Are any of you thinking that we’re not in California anymore?
Henry: You, I have to say, it sounds a little silly but given that we’ve seem to have fallen through some sort of space time vortex, that I would agree with you Darryl. Also, again, I can’t stress this enough: these rocks and trees are very different and very strange, and not from any California region that I’m aware of. These are not redwoods, y’all.
---
Darryl: [ heavy breathing ] You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch, Grant doesn’t listen to it for two seconds, if he would listen to it for two seconds he’d fuckin’ like Graceland if he’d fuckin’ listen to it. I listen to m-aye-gos [ Migos ], six-ex-eye-nine-eye, [ 6ix9ine ] or whatever it is, and Logic, doesn’t listen to me whatsoever! ... Fuckin’ doesn’t listen, Darryl doesn’t— nobody listens in this goddamn car. Don’t have their seatbelts on, no wonder they’re fuckin’ hurt!
...
Darryl: How hurt are ya there, Henry?
...
Will: Henry, having seen this crazy display by Darryl, feels something inside him he’s never felt before, an ancient elemental power seems to activate within him! And his eyes go green! And he stretches out his hand! And a poison spray blasts forth from his palm!
...
Darryl: Do something.
...
Will: So once more Henry, still horrified by the spray of poison that flung out of his hand, looks up and sees the guy running away and thinks of his two beautiful boys being lost in this scary world and another veritable nature orgasm shoots through his body and he seizes with green energy, and vines shoot from his hands!
...
Matt: Darryl Wilson, I get up and my eyes are just dead inside and I walk straight to my minivan. I open up the trunk and I pull out, my “It’s a Pale Ale” 6-pack and I just start pulling them off and handing them to everybody.
...
Matt: I haven’t said anything yet, I just hand it to them whether or not they want it, and I start walking towards the guy whose tied up in the weeds, also pulling one out from him, walking towards him.
...
Matt: Also, as I’m handing them, I also kind of mutter. I point to the label, which is a beer in a pail and I go —
Darryl: [ quietly ] It’s a pail…
...
Will: I’m still in shock, I have no idea what just came over my body, so I’m pretty much just out for the count trying to recover right now.
Matt: I’m also—
Darryl: [ muttering ] They’re twist-offs, they’re twist-offs…
...
Matt: Well, if nobody else is doing anything, I walk right up to the gentleman and I hold a beer out and I go —
Darryl: [ sounding tired ] You boys put up a hell of a fight.
Matt: — and I reach the beer out to him and I go —
Darryl: My name is Darryl Wilson.
Anthony: And he, like, tries to reach at but he’s constrained by the vines.
Matt: I look over at Henry and I’m like —
Darryl: You did this…
Henry: [ frantic ] I don’t know how! I don’t know what’s going on!
Darryl: [ sighs ]
Matt: I pull the hatchet out and I raise it above my head and I go —
Darryl: You promise not to hurt us if I let you out?
Captive: Uh-huh. Yep. Yep. [...]
Henry: [ angry noises ]
Captive: Yeah, absolutely.
Will: Henry recovers himself just enough to say —
Henry: Sir, before you do that maybe we should bind him with this rope, I have some rope in the minivan.
Darryl: That’s a good idea…
Will: I hurry over to the minivan and get some rope and then I use my skills I learned from the Scouts to hogtie the guy. [...]
Matt: While he’s doing that I go over and I take two more pieces of my secret stash and I do meditation exercises.
...
Matt: I look at Henry with a little bit of guilt in my eyes an d I breathe…
...
Matt: I put my glasses down to hide the tears welling up in my eyes and I look at the three of them, I go —
Darryl: [ sighs ] Guys, this is tough but I feel like we’re a team. I think we can do this if we all stick together.
...
Matt: I take a big breath and I compose myself and I wipe my tears away. I turn and I look at everybody with that look, like, “Just pretend you don’t see me feeling things.”
Henry: You know, Darryl…
Matt: I roll my eyes instantly and [ groans ]. I know he saw me. [...]
Henry: We’re in a crazy situation, Darryl, you know this is something we’re all gonna have to chew on. You know I could be dancing the Charleston right now, but I’m really scared, so I think we should all just trust each other and relax and I know you’re gonna be okay. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to let it out.
....
Matt: I move my hand and I grab his beer and I just take it away from him, looking at him, and I start drinking it.
...
Henry: Phandalin...I think we gotta take number Three here to Phandalin and see if we can parlay him back for our kids. That’s my vote, that’s Henry’s vote, I’m just a guy though.
Matt: I use this opportunity, I step in front of him and I go full coach mode now, because I just got emasculated, I go—
Darryl: Damn right, that’s a good idea there, son.
Matt: I slap him on the back.
...
Darryl: Alright, let’s get in the van, everybody—
Henry: Cool, sounds like a good plan.
---
Henry: Kemosabe is a Japanese term, I believe, he also might be referencing The Lone Ranger , that may be something Tonto says? I’m not quite sure—
[ Darryl honks the horn very loudly, which is just Matt making honking noises with his mouth and slapping the table… ]
Henry: You know, rocks and geology are more my area—
[ Darryl honks more ]
Matt: I’m just repeatedly honking for everybody to get in.
Henry: I think Darryl’s ready for us to go.
---
Glenn: Hey, Henry, what’s up with those vines, dog?
Henry: Oh, I figured we were gonna have to talk about this at some point. I was there and then I felt a presence inside me…
Anthony: Henry, roll Religion.
Will: Okay, I got a 10.
Anthony: You got a 10. Okay, so you hear a voice coming from inside of you and somehow outside of you as well. It feels like the voice of a powerful entity. You cannot, unfortunately, make out what it says, but you definitely know that some force just contacted you and made be responsible for granting you these powers.
Henry: [ extreme stammering ] Uh, let’s talk about something else! I don’t know— it’s been a long day, uh, let’s talk about something else.
Darryl: I feel like that’s pretty much the only thing I wanna talk about. You had vines shot out of you. [...]
Henry: Well—
Ron: And that weird mist.
Darryl: Mist too. That was odd.
Henry: You know, I think maybe something’s happening to me and I’m still trying to get my bearings on it, so I would really enjoy it if you guys respected my privacy and let me work through what’s going on on my own.
Ron: Do you still have the condoms?
Henry: I sure do, and you know what? Just in case— I don’t know when the next time crazy shit is just gonna spray out of my body. So I’m gonna go ahead and put 10 condoms on my fingers for the time being, just to make sure that nothing bad happens.
Darryl: I appreciate that, I try to keep this care pretty clean there, Henry, I appreciate that.
Henry: I already feel bad about the iodine so I don’t wanna make any more messes in here, so you can consider me condomed up. [...]
Darryl: Regarding the iodine, [spoken similarly to “iodine”] I-don’t-mind… [...]
Henry: Ha! It’s been awhile since I’ve had a laugh, I appreciate a good joke…
---
Henry: Perhaps we could disguise that fact that we’ve got this man shackled up? Like maybe we could conjure some sort of— maybe we could use some sort of deception or arrange some coats or blankets…
Darryl: You know what I’ve found is even more binding than rope? A gentleman’s agreement.
Matt: I put my hand out to Three, and I go—
Darryl: Darryl Wilson, I know we’ve already met but if we untie you do you promise you’ll stay with us?
Anthony: Are you telling the truth when you make this promise?
Matt: Yeah, absolutely.
…
Darryl: What do you guys say? I say we untie him and treat him like a gentleman. […] Guys, he’s really honest.
…
Anthony: He takes a drink...and he is healed back from the psychic damage you inflicted upon him by explaining—
Darryl: How does that bad boy taste?
Three: Uh, it’s fine. It’s not the best I’ve had.
Darryl: Alright.
Matt: I’m very hurt by this.
Anthony: You take 1d6 psychic damage.
Matt: Yeah, I was gonna say I would like to take psychic damage.
…
Henry: I suggest we venture forth but maintain our caution, for who knows what we shall find in these strange lands!
---
Henry: So he lives in this Hans Christian Anderson house, and he’s a child-abducting, slave peddler?
Three: That’s an extremely offensive way to put what my master does…
Henry: Well I have to say, sir, I am extremely offended that he’s sold my children into slavery.
Three: Well, yeah, agree to disagree, but I feel like they’re probably more useful in the workforce.
Darryl: No offense Three, but I think you’re just gonna stay with us. A man doesn’t leave a job halfway done, that’s what my father always told me, so I think you’re gonna come with us to meet The Lance and help us out here.
…
Henry: I think maybe we should use some stealth and cunning to scout out the situation.
…
Darryl: Hey Henry, what do you see in there, buddy?
…
Henry: I don’t see anyone in there. I think, rather than make our presence known, we should just go ahead and sneak on in and see what we can see. Perhaps our children are still in one of those cages I saw, or they’re sort of off-shoot rooms, quarters, maybe for purloined persons.
---
Darryl: Gentlemen, why are we— I mean we may disagree with The Lance's business practices, but you of all people I feel like would have been accepting of other cultures, you know, and I feel like we should go talk like a gentleman here, and talk like a businessman.
Matt: And I start walking towards the front door.
Henry: Listen up, you big alpha jock piece of shit bozo! These are our fucking kids we’re tryna get back, so fucking cool it with your fucking dick swaggering nonsense! I’m not having none of it! We are gonna be cool, and we are gonna be calm, and we are gonna fucking get our kids back and then we can worry about your fuckin’ “Oh my dad’s words, honor” dick bullshit, mister! So fucking cool it!
Matt: Darryl Wilson stares at Henry and just shakes his head and I knock on the door.
…
Darryl: Hi, I’m Darryl Wilson.
Matt: I take a step forward and I put my hand out.
The Lance: You have five seconds to step back and let my son go.
Darryl: Oh, Three here is not under any distress whatsoever. He actually led us over here, he said that he could help us with a little business arrangement, that being that you have our children.
Matt: And I pull my axe out.
…
Darryl: That’s nothin’ compared to what we did to the other two kids.
…
Henry: Can you repeat the choices? … I gotta be honest, I’m very distracted by the fact that you just killed your son.
…
Henry: And number three was that we run away and you call the cops. I’m just spitballing, is there a chance that we could get a look at that ledger and find our kids? Is that still on the table?
The Lance: If you want to look at the ledger, I will permit you a look at the ledger.
Darryl: What would that deal look like, Sir Lance?
The Lance: You would have to offer me something that I found impressive enough to put my business relationships in jeopardy, because one does not generally state the outcome of a deal after it has been made.
Henry: Dads, team huddle. […] Okay, okay, okay, okay. Henry Oak’s having a brain wave. […] Like I said earlier, they don’t know where we’re from. What if we roll this like a, “You don’t know who you just fucked with” we’re foreign emissaries from the kingdom of...we’re from Westrock!
Darryl: Westrock…
Henry: We’re from Westrock, we’re emissaries from Westrock! We came to— […] We were coming to Phandalin on a mission for our kingdom and if he doesn’t return our kids it could be all out war, and the kingdom of Westrock will slay his entire family and burn his business to the ground! Maybe something like that maybe I’m overplaying it a little bit.
Darryl: And our king, Saint Dimas.
Henry: Saint Dimas! King of Westrock! […] And then maybe we can use that as sorta like a way to advance our parlay. And maybe, again just having another brainwave here, maybe we have an artifact from Westrock that is very valuable, that would be like a symbol that he could show when our army comes through and then we would pass him over and he would have— oh! We’re a war party. We’re scouts for a war party from Westrock, and if he has that symbol when our army comes in… someone else should do the persuading because I feel like I’m doing a bad job, but, you know he would be able to show it to them and it’ll be like a favored status when we conquer this land. […] So what is the object? I was gonna suggest— I do have a spare soccer jersey, in my Jansport, that has the Doodler on the back! So we could be like “This is a uniform of our people and when our army comes you could use it for safety.” […] Oh yeah, Sparrow drew the Doodler!
Darryl: No offense there, Henry, but that Doodler looks like shit. Nobody’s gonna be terrified— I mean do you see what just happened? He just frickin’ crossbowed his kid through the face and that thing looks like a five-legged drawing.
Henry: Okay, I feel like you’re being pretty aggro on me right now, I knew I flew off the handle at you there, Darryl, but—
Darry:l I’m just sayin’—
Henry: I don’t know why we need to bring my kid’s drawing ability into the conversation. I miss him terribly right now just trying not to think about him, so.
Matt: A tear goes down my eye and I go:
Darryl: You’re right, I’m sorry man. It’s been a tough day for both of us.
Matt: And I look over and I go:
Darryl: Do you have a guitar with you, Glenn?
Glenn: I do, I got my Taylor—
Freddie: Or Fender, or Gibson.
Glenn: —right here, man.
Darryl: I think I like where Henry’s going there, I think your music should be one of the gifts we bring to his new kingdom.
Henry: Wait, are we saying we’re a war party or are we saying that we’re—
Darryl: I think a 4-person—
Henry: No, scouts for a war party! Do you know what I mean? Like we’re scouts!
Darryl: Alright well then—
Henry: I don’t want to railroad our—
Glenn: I tune up my guitar.
Henry: I just don’t feel like this is a music kinda guy, I don’t feel like this guy pumps a lot of tuneskis.
Matt: I go ahead and I turn and I puff my chest out and I stand up as tall as I possibly can.
…
Glenn: Look man, we’re a bunch of traveling emissaries from the land of—
Darryl: What are you doing!? We were about to say we’re a war party!
Will: I hold Darryl, I put my mouth over Darryl’s mouth—
…
Matt: No, no! He can’t take it back, he can’t take it back! I feel something!
Will: I silence his dumb ass with a kiss!
Matt: Something tingles deep down inside of me and I feel love for the first time in a long time, when he puts his mouth on mine.
…
Henry: In the land we come from this is the game of kings. Only the wisest and most cunning of people are successful playing— you know, I don’t even think you’re smart enough to play Snake.
…
The Lance: So this is a baby game, for babies, is that what—
Matt: I was going to try to persuade, but then I’m like:
Darryl: You know, Snake does suck. It’s not a good game at all.
…
Darryl: What’s the pup’s name there, pal?
The Lance: His name? His name was One.
…
Matt: I pull out my wallet and I open up to my pictures and I look at the one of Carol really quick and I sigh and I flip it over and I got a picture of me and Grant, getting our puppy Lincoln, and I hold it up to him and I go:
Darryl: This little buddy’s Lincoln. That guy next to him, my son, his name’s Grant.
The Lance: I’ve met him.
Darryl: Want to tell where he is, by any chance?
The Lance: Where’s Lincoln?
Darryl: Grant lost him.
The Lance: Your son lost Lincoln? Your son sounds like an irresponsible sack of shit. To take such a creature of such love and dignity, and then lose it as one would a bauble?
Darryl: I… I...
Henry: That’s why we’re looking for him! To punish him!
Matt: I invoke Rage.
…
Anthony: Okay, all he’s seeing you do is get angry.
…
Will: Wait, wait! I stop Darryl with another kiss! […] I can sense he’s blowing it!
Matt: I take that kiss and I go:
Darryl: Thank you, my Number One.
Matt: And I look back:
Darryl: You’re right, Grant is a piece of shit and that’s why I need him back, so I can punish him correctly for losing Lincoln.
The Lance: Fair. Fair. I will tell you where Grant is, only Grant though. So you may punish him.
Darryl: Well that’s fine with me, is that fine with you Number One?
Matt: And I look at Henry.
…
Henry: You know what would really punish Grant? Would be if we killed all of Grant’s friends in front of him.
Darryl: I know he doesn’t seem very persuasive—
Matt: And then I slap Henry on the butt, I go—
Darryl: But seriously, in the same way we murdered your two children and drank their blood, we will murder Grant’s friends in front of him before we eat his skin.
The Lance: Just so you know they weren’t my birth children, that’s why I’m not that upset.
Darryl: Oh I know, I wish they were though, the blood would’ve been extra tasty.
Henry: Okay, okay, Number One.
…
Matt: I cross my fingers and I put them behind my back and I go:
Darryl: Darryl Wilson always keeps his word.
…
Anthony: Yeah, it’s only one damage, and you bleed onto the paper. The blood is absorbed within it and the blood begins to coagulate and swirl around becoming like ink that begins to form a picture, and it forms a picture of Grant's face and… I’m trying to find the least morbid way of describing this. It shows Grant’s face with very hollow looking eyes and a face of agony, and he says—
The Lance: The pact is made, your son will die when you meet him.
…
Henry: Good, that's what we wanted.
Matt: I squeeze Henry's hand because I can't speak, I'm doing everything I can to hold back tears and I'm just happy that he spoke, and I just hold his hand and I squeeze it.
…
Matt: I try to nudge his hand.
…
Darryl: Woah, sorry, I slipped there. Been drinking a little bit—
…
Will: As he’s talking to The Lance, I'm going to do a Sleight-of-Hand and try to rip that page out of that book.
Glenn: [whispered] What the fuck are you doing?
Henry: Hey man, that’s my kids, that’s our kids in there! If any of you have good Sleight-of-Hand and are sneaky dudes—
…
Will: I have a +2 to Sleight-of-Hand. [yelling] Natural fucking 20!
…
Matt: Can I just say— the moment he’s doing it though, I kiss The Lance.
…
Henry: This is how we do greetings in Westrock!
Matt: I kiss and I go—
Darryl: Thank you.
Matt: —as I’m kissing him.
Anthony: Like a full lip—
Matt: Yes.
Anthony: He doesn’t notice at all, he’s so busy getting deep tongued—[…] The sound of Darryl's slobbering jaw overwhelms the sound of the paper getting ripped out of his ledger and you can see that Lark and Sparrow are in Neverwinter, Nicholas is in Waterdeep, Terry Jr. is in Rockport, and Grant Wilson is in Meadowshade.
Matt: I’m thinking about Henry when I kiss The Lance.
---
Darryl: Everybody, real quick right before we get to the van, I just wanna say that was a team effort out there and Henry I want to give you the Most Improved award, you did a really great job and if it wasn’t for him we wouldn’t know where our kids are, so let’s give Henry a little round of applause.
Henry: Oh, thanks everybody, sorry I introduced the kissing thing as something we have to maintain now as part of our cover.
Darryl: It’s okay, I think as long as we don’t meet The Lance again…
Glenn: So you saw the list! Where are we going first fellas?
Henry: Well I would imagine the next thing we should do is gather some intel in town about these different places so we know a little more about where we’re going. So we can make what we in the geology business call a “rock-solid” decision.