Work Text:
She felt safe, she really did, and that’s the only way it could have happened like it did.
“Oh stop fiddling with the radio,” Betty cried, laughing. “I have a surprise!”
“A surprise!” Kate instantly stopped trying to tune the radio, and her eyes were so comically wide that Gladys snorted into her hand. The Andrews Sister’s harmonies buzzed and crackled out of the half-tuned radio. “What is it?”
“Champagne!” Betty presented the bottle from behind her back with a flourish, and Kate clapped. Gladys yawned.
“Sorry girls, I think I will sit this part out. I’m gonna head to bed.”
“Aw, come on,” Kate protested, high on laughter, and safety, and the energy coursing through the room.
“Yeah, stay for just one glass, princess. Or is my Champagne not up to snuff for you?” Betty’s mouth was quirked up in a smile, and her eyes were laughing as she held out a glass to her.
“I think I will let you two celebrate this alone,” Gladys said, glancing between the other two.
“Not just one glass?” Kate stepped close to Gladys, and put a hand on her shoulder.
Gladys yawned again. “Nope, I need my beauty sleep. Don’t worry about waking me.”
Betty and Kate protested a little more, but Gladys had that look on her face that meant she was set in her plans. Kate wasn’t certain but she thought she saw her wink at Betty before heading off to the guest bedroom for the night.
They’d spent the day moving into Betty’s new house, her haven from the world. Their haven. Gladys had been happy to help, and when it started getting late Betty offered her the guest room. They’d gotten all of Betty and Kate’s possession in easily, and overseen men bring in the furniture they’d bought. Nothing was unpacked yet, but Betty had insisted on stopping for the night and celebrating.
Betty stared off after Gladys, and Kate wondered what she was thinking. “Come on, pop it open!” Kate said, excitement bubbling up inside her and bubbling just under her skin. Their home, she kept thinking. Their haven.
She was definitely in the mood to celebrate
Betty tried to find the right position to pop open the champagne bottle without hitting anyone in the eye, first trying to hold it in one hand and pull the cork with her other, and then trying to hold it between her knees, but she couldn’t find the right traction.
Kate hurried over and grabbed the bottle, anchoring it. Betty flashed her one of her big, full smiles. “Try again,” said Kate, smiling back. “3. 2. 1…” The champagne bottle popped and frothed down the sides. They tripped over their own feet trying to find their cups. Betty took a swig straight from the bottle, and shoved it at Kate who did the same. By the time they were sitting down with full glasses of champagne, they had already gone through nearly half the bottle. Kate curled up on the couch with feet tucked under her and stared into the fire. Betty was all loose limbs and scrunched up grins, sitting on the couch and taking up space. A small part of Kate envied Betty that confidence in her own skin. Kate had spent too much time trying to make herself small, trying to shrink inside her own skin. Before she could think about it, she downed her glass of champagne in two quick gulps, set down her glass floor, and stretched her legs out until her toes were touching Betty’s thighs.
“Hey, slow down there,” Said Betty with a raised eyebrow. “This is the good stuff, you’re supposed to savor it.”
“I know, I just feel so….” Safe, free, dangerous. Alcohol had once been her way of escaping from her thoughts. It still represented a kind of freedom. She could hide behind the giddiness of intoxication. “Happy,” she finished.
“Me too, Kate.”
Kate watched Betty’s slow smile, and saw her straighten out her shoulders. Betty always did that when she felt comfortable, like she was facing the world straight on.
Of course, she wasn’t. Kate knew that. She knew Betty’s secret.
Kate sat up straight. “I want to sing!”
Betty laughed. “Alright, songbird. I’ll pour us more champagne.” She finished her own glass of champagne, and twisted around Kate to grab her glass.
Kate bit her lip trying to decide on a song, and then she had it. The words came pouring out almost before she knew what she was going to sing.
“When the twilight is gone and no songbirds are singing
When the twilight is gone you come into my heart
And here in my heart you will stay, while I pray”
That felt right. This space they had made, bathed in firelight, felt like something she had been praying for. She and Betty.
“My prayer is to linger with you
At the end of the day in a dream that's divine
My prayer is a rapture in blue…”
She almost dropped her note when she realized what the next lines were, and her eyes were drawn to Betty, who was standing by the table with the bottle of champagne forgotten in her left hand. She stumbled over the line.
“With the world far away and your lips close to mine”
Kate could see an awareness pass briefly over Betty’s face, and Kate had to look away. She poured the rest of herself into the song, because it still felt right.
“Tonight while our hearts are aglow
Oh tell me the words that I'm longing to know
My prayer and the answer you give
May they still be the same for as long as we live
That you'll always be theeeeeeere-”
It was true, Kate thought as she hit the high note. She did wish Betty would always be there, and it was a feeling so strong it scared her. Betty had been there for her when she’d first run away, when she’d escaped her father the second time, again when the investigator had been after her, and finally when Kate had needed to get away from the factory.
“at the end of my prayer”
Applause brought her back down to herself, and she smiled, self-consciously over at Betty, though she couldn’t quite bring herself to meet her eyes.
Betty’s smile was twisted over to one side, and Kate felt a tug of guilt at her heart. “You’re off to your start, and as soon as the right person sees you, you’re gonna make it big. I just know it.”
Kate shook her head, but not to deny it. The idea of singing professionally still brought bubbles of happiness sweeter than champagne to her chest. “Thanks to you, thanks to this house!”
Betty handed her the champagne and sat back down next to Betty. “Yeah, I think we got it pretty good here.”
“A toast to that!” said Kate, and they laughed again, clinked their glasses, and drank. This time Betty downed her drink. Kate sat back, suddenly feeling the effects of the alcohol. The world was fuzzy around the edges, and it felt like she was experiencing everything with a slight lag. She sighed and slumped over on Betty, her head resting on her shoulder. She pushed down a feeling of guilt, a little voice that told her she was using Betty... She wasn’t leading anybody on. They were friends, that was all. They were very good friends.
That made it easier to nuzzle herself into a more comfortable position, with Betty’s arm around her. She felt warm and cared for and safe, in way that she had always ached for. It was so easy to turn her face up to Betty’s, while they laughed, and told stories in a whisper so they wouldn’t wake Gladys. Stories from long before Ivan or jail or death had complicated their lives. Kate felt fuzzy, and sleepy and warm.
It was welcome, even, when Betty leaned down and brushed her lips against Kate’s. A question. Kate answered instinctively by parting her lips, and when Betty grazed her teeth along Kate’s lower lip, it was so natural to tangle her fingers in Betty’s blonde, fine hair just to hold on to something. It was warm, and safe and easy.
Betty pulled her lips away, and rested her forehead against Kate’s. Kate could feel Betty’s heart beat, and realized her own heart was beating frantically in her chest.
“Kate,” it was the barest breath of a whisper, and it penetrated Kate’s heart faster than the kiss. Betty was going to say more, Kate knew, and she wished, with a startled clarity, that she were anywhere but there. She couldn’t do this. Not when her heart was beating like it never had before and Betty was staring at her with open wonder and adoration. She couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” Kate said moving away, and accidentally knocking elbows and arms and almost falling off of the couch in her haste. She stood, and realized that she really hadn’t been aware of how drunk she was until that moment. “I’m… I’m sorry.”
“No, Kate.” Betty jumped up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just thought-- I mean, I didn’t intend—“
“I’m sorry, Betty.” Kate was repeating herself, she didn’t know what else to say. “Please…” She tried to put all of the things she couldn’t say into a look. That she hadn’t meant to do that, that she didn’t want to lead Betty on, that it was her own fault, that it had been nice, but Kate couldn’t do this. It was against all of God’s wishes, and that she liked men. That even so, it had been nice, and warm, and right...
Betty was staring at her with bruised eyes and pursed lips. “Kate—“
“I have to go to bed,” she said, her head swimming. She backed up, knocked her ankle into the corner of a box, and then turned and ran for her room.
She discovered that the bed hadn’t yet been made, and that was almost enough to flatten her. She sat down on the floor and cried. Everything had felt so right, and so safe. She’d been so happy that for a moment it had seemed so easy to sin. After a few moments she stood up, and wobbled her way to the box that held her sheets and blankets. It took her far too long, but she eventually made her bed and crawled in between the sheets and turned her head towards the pillow.
Betty’s face, hurt, stoic, confused, swam over her mind’s eye all night, and she tossed and turned. She dreaded the morning when she would have to get up and face the world again. She dreaded pretending like nothing had happened in front of Gladys.
She dreaded what would happened when Gladys left.
She couldn’t sleep. Almost against her will she found herself kneeling in front of her bed in the early hours of the morning, hands clasped together, in a position that was second nature to her. When she had been a child, her father had forced her to spend entire nights in this exact position, unable to stir, for infractions against his will that she couldn’t remember. For wanting sweets, for getting tired of singing, for questioning her father’s, and therefore god’s, will. Sometimes he had slapped her bare feet with a wooden paddle and she hadn’t been allowed to scream.
Her lips formed a prayer. “God,” she started, but her lips were dry. Her relationship with God had been so rocky recently. When she pictured God, sometimes all she could imagine was her father staring down at her, hellfire in his eyes.
“Please, God.” She tried again. “In all your wisdom, and your grace, help Betty find her way-“ that wasn’t quite right. She had felt like Betty needed to change once, but not anymore. Betty had to be who she was. Betty was so certain in herself, so good, so selfless, that who she was *had* to be God’s will.
She couldn’t find anything else to ask. Everything else she could think of was selfish, or confusing. She couldn’t ask to be allowed to love Betty the way Betty loved her, she couldn’t ask for happiness. Finally she just whispered. “And let me find a way to be happy and stay in your light. Amen.”
She stayed kneeled, head bowed, for a long time before she dragged her exhausted body back onto the bed and fell into a heavy sleep.
***
The morning was fine. Gladys made polite, friendly chit chat. She filled the gaps in conversation, and Kate caught Betty giving Gladys a familiar half exasperated half affectionate look, and she had to hide her own smile. Trust Gladys to notice something was weird and try to fix it. Out of habit she glanced over at Betty to share a private laugh at Gladys’ transparent attempts to smooth the situation over. Ever the hostess. She caught Betty’s eye, Betty’s indulgent smirk; and then they both remembered they were feeling awkward with one another and turned away quickly.
As Kate focused a little too hard on the chipped teapot on their table, she realized her heart was beating irregularly fast. this is absurd, she thought with a brief flash of annoyance. She steeled herself, and when the moment it felt right, she looked casually over at Betty and said “Maybe when we stop by the department store, we can get a new teapot. She smiled ruefully at hers on the table. This one…” she tapered off, knowing Betty understood, and met her eyes again. Slowly, Betty smiled.
“It’s not like we needed a teapot to greet the queen when we were staying at the boarding house, but now that we have our house-“ she still noticeably relished that phrase. ”I think we can spring for something a bit more swank.”
Kate glanced over at Gladys, and caught the flash of a small, smug, smile, before she covered it over with her normal pleasant expression. Looking back over at Betty, she saw the tension in her jaw that had been there all morning was gentled, and Kate felt the weight of her worry fall away.
Her and Betty would be just fine, they could continue on as they always had. If she was lying to herself, well, Kate had plenty of experience with that.
***
The days past, and together they found a rhythm to their new life. They didn’t talk about that night again, but Kate couldn’t forget it either. She found herself turning to god every night, and praying for answers.
***
She was humming an old song. Kate had known the words once, something about Wild Goose calls, but now all she had was the tune. It was light a cheery, with a melancholy downturn when it slowed down at the end. She was wracking her brain for the words as she finely chopped the parsley according to the directions in the new copy of Home Cooking that Betty had produced out of nowhere. It was the last step in the vegetable turn overs she was planning to surprise Betty with.
“I sit with you,” she sang, and then faltered. That wasn’t quite right. “Beneath the trees…” Not that either. There was something about autumn, and change… she remembered that much because it was the turning leaves that made her think of it-her view out the front window was golden, burgundy, and orange. Warm, sweet colors. “Fall is in the air today, hear the wild geese calling…” without thinking her chopping slowed and then stopped, and she leaned forward on the counter trying to catch the elusive words as they wove in and out of her memory.
She was startled out of her reverie when the door opened over in the living room, and she heard Betty call out “Kate?” Some rustling. “What’s that smell? It smells great!”
Kate jumped up from her slouched position, and turned around eyeing the kitchen in mild panic. She hadn’t gotten around to cleaning anything as she went, which was what her mother always swore by. She’d gone from prepping the vegetable filling, to making the hot-water crust, to the assembling everything, without cleaning anything up at all. “Oh! Wait, don’t come in here!” Kate ran over to the chopping board, and started to hurry it over to the sink, which was already filled with dishes. If her father had seen the kitchen in this state...
“What do you mean,” Asked Betty from the other room, a growing note of panic in her voice. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, it’s not that, it’s just-“ At just that moment the cooking timer buzzed loudly, cutting Kate off.
Betty poked her head in while Kate was pulling the smoking turnovers out, using a folded over towel as an improvised oven mitt. Kate turned around and saw Betty, in high-waisted Navy pants, and a green shirt with pink and lavender flowers, standing in the doorway with her eyebrows raised. She looked tired, after a day at Vic Mu, but her eyes were dancing as she surveyed the chaos of the kitchen.
“Here, let me help you with that,” said Betty. Together, they fanned the smoke away, and got the turnovers off the baking sheet and onto a serving platter. Kate looked at the turnovers proudly. Despite the smoke, the crust seemed to be a nice golden brown, with only a few irregular lumps.
“What’s all this for,” Betty finally said, turning towards Kate. She was smiling, and Kate let the tension over the messy kitchen out of her shoulders.
“I wanted to make you dinner,” she said, with a rueful smile. “I wanted to have it ready by the time you got home.”
“You know you don’t have to do that.”
“I know, but I wanted to. And right now I have plenty of time, so why not? I’ve always meant to become a better cook. And you were at work all day…”
Betty quirked her head, and Kate was left with the impression that Betty was laughing at her. All she said was “well, It looks amazing, and I’m starving. Since you did all the cooking, I’ll set the table.” Kate smiled gratefully.
Kate brought the platter out, and then remembered the parsley and ran back to the kitchen so she could garnish the turnovers. By the time it was arranged to her satisfaction, Betty had gotten the plates, cutlery, and napkins out.
“It really does look great,” said Betty, catching the expression on Kate’s face and leaning in to touch her hand.
Kate felt a warm glow at the praise that spread from her cheeks to her belly. “Thanks,” she said. And then she looked down at her slightly lumpy pastry. “Let’s see how it tastes.”
Kate was almost too engrossed in watching Betty cut into her turnover to bother cutting into her own. She watched intently as Betty speared a piece and took a bite. She chewed for a few moments, and Kate nearly thought she would burst. “Hmmmm,” Betty hummed uncertainly through her bite. Kate’s heart fell. ”It’s no good?” Betty chewed thoughtfully for another moment, and squinted her eyes. “Oh no! I followed the recipe and everything, I—“ Kate caught Betty’s dancing eyes. “Oh, you beast, you’re joking with me?”
Betty let a huge smile spread over her face. “It’s great, Kate. I think you conquered turnovers. You could try a bite yourself,” She added with a laugh.
“Oh, right!”
They weren’t bad, although Kate would have liked more flavor. Soon, they were both laughing, and Kate was enjoying herself immensely. Betty entertained her with a story about Reggie, from work, and Kate told Betty about her about her adventures in pastry.
“I think I made too much, though,” She said, after they had finished. “Maybe the recipe was wrong, it said that was just for two!”
“Well, I’ll make all the girls jealous when I take some leftovers in for lunch tomorrow,” Betty said with a smile. It faded from her lips for a second, as she thought of something. She looked away. “Hey, Kate?”
“Y-yeah?” She asked tentatively, worried something was wrong. Everything had been going so well. It was only a couple of weeks after they had moved in, but there hadn’t been another incident like the one that first night. Everything had felt smooth and easy.
“Kate… I just wanna make sure you know, you really, you didn’t have to do this.”
“What do you mean, Betts?”
“I just… I don’t want you to think…” Betty scrunched her lips to the side in a way that told Kate that she had been thinking about something for a while. Kate leaned over the table, and grabbed Betty’s hand, to let her know she was listening and, perhaps she could admit, a little comfort for herself. Betty looked down at kates hands, and then back up into her face, and then let the words out in a rush. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re… beholden to me, in any way. Like you owe me anything. You don’t, you know. Owe me anything. And I don’t want you doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”
“Betty, It’s just dinner,” Kate started, and then it dawned on her what Betty meant. And I don’t want you doing anything you’re not comfortable with. Betty couldn’t think that was why Kate had kissed Betty back, that night? But the way Betty was now looking down at her own hands, her shoulders tense and unhappy… That must be what Betty thought.
“No, no, that’s not it at all!” Kate searched for the right words to stop Betty from feeling any guilt. Of course Betty was beating herself up over that night. Kate found she had stood up, knocking the chair back. “I didn’t think… I never thought that I owed you anything. I’ve been so happy here, for even just these past two weeks. I never thought I’d get to feel this happy in a home I could call my own. I always thought I’d grow up to live in a house with a man just like my father. I never thought I’d get to feel so happy and… and… safe, like this.”
Now Betty was jumping up. “I’m sorry Kate, I didn’t mean to upset you—“
“No, I have to finish,” Kate said desperately, letting the words tumble out all at once felt like the only way it would ever get said. “It was because I was feeling so happy and safe that night. That’s why I let you kiss me. That’s why I kissed you back. I was just so happy.” She was breathing hard, now, and her heart was beating so fast she wondered if she might faint. She hadn’t meant to say any of that. She had barely let herself think those thoughts, but there they were. She risked a glance up at Betty.
“You were… Happy?” A dozen emotions flickered over Betty’s face. Confusion, bemusement, surprise, incredulousness… but strongest of all of them was a rare moment of unguarded wonderment. Kate took a moment to marvel at the presence of her, of Betty in front of her. When she was happy she nearly lit the room up.
“I’ve prayed… I was told it was wrong, but…” Kate squeezed her eyes shut, and felt a few tears trickle down her cheeks. “I can’t think God made someone like you wrong, I just can’t.”
“Kate, I didn’t know…” Betty sounded lost, some emotion choking her up. Kate opened her eyes to look at Betty through her tears.
“I didn’t want you to think that I thought I owed you anything,” she said through sniffles. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and a stray thought distracted her. Why’d she always have to cry so easily, and so messily?
Betty must have had a similar thought, because she went searching for one of the napkins on the table. “Here,” She said, stepping in close and handing it to her. The kindness in the gesture was enough to set more tears rolling down her face.
“Hey now!” Said Betty, with that mildly panicked look in her eye again.
“I’m okay, I just…” Kate took it, and blew her nose.
“Can I…” Betty looked like she wasn’t sure what to say. “May I give you a hug?”
Kate nodded hard, and leaned into Betty’s strong arms. She cried a little bit more, for what she wasn’t entirely certain. For herself. For Betty. For her father. She cried herself out in a few minutes, and then wiped the tears away with the napkin, and blew her nose.
“Thanks,” she said, looking up. Betty hadn’t moved away, and was so close that Kate could feel her warmth, see the whorls in her gentle brown eyes. One curl was starting to droop in front of her face, and without thinking, Kate reached up and pushed it aside. She had said that she had kissed Betty because she was happy. How could that feeling not be real? Did she think she didn't deserve it? This felt as real, more real, than the complicated things she had felt for Ivan. Why couldn't she trust that happiness? It glowed within her when she looked at Betty’s clear eyes and cute nose, and current expression of fear and… Kate thought perhaps it was love that she saw warming Betty’s face, and perhaps her own. Love as sweet and warm as a perfectly felt hymn. How had that ever felt wrong?
“Kate…” Betty’s voice was low and husky, but also worried, and Kate couldn’t bare the hurt she still saw there, like old armor. Poised to be rejected, even now. Kate leaned in and caught Betty’s lower lip between hers. Slowly, so slowly, Betty parted her lips and kissed her back. Kate could feel there warm breath mingle, and she almost laughed. It was so easy, to stand here with Betty. So easy to kiss her once she let herself. It had never been that way with Ivan. She had loved him, in a way, and she knew she had felt some sinful things, but she was always nervous when they kissed. Kate had thought that was normal, but with Betty it was like their hearts were already one. Betty would never hurt her, never rush her, never, ever hit her.
Betty slowly pushed one hand into Kate’s long, auburn hair, and deepened the kiss for only a few seconds before pulling breathlessly away. She looked like she wanted to say something, but didn’t know what. A tentative smile pulled at her lips. “Was that really Kate Andrews? My Kate?”
Kate huffed a small laugh. “I… guess so.” Then she looked up into Betty’s brown eyes again. “That was okay?”
Betty let out a snort. “I still feel like I should be asking you that.” Her tone softened. “Yes. It was okay. As long as you did it because that’s what you wanted, not because it was what I wanted.”
Kate nodded, and leaned her head against Betty’s forehead. “It—it was. It is. I think maybe, that was nice. And. Um. We could try it again?”
Betty nodded her head slowly. “I think we could.” She dipped her head down and caught Kates bottom lip gently with her teeth, and Kate responded by throwing her arms around Betty and deepening the kiss at once. After another moment, Kate was breathing heavily and a small, pleasant fire was pooling in her gut. Kate pulled away, a little scared by her own reaction.”
“Is this ok?” Betty asked, and Kate nodded, not trusting herself with words anymore. Taking her cue, Betty untangled her fingers from Kate’s hair and stepped away. “Why don’t I take care of the dishes, and then, maybe…”
“We can do that again?” Kate smiled. She felt like she’d smiled so much, and cried so much that her face was getting tired. But it was nice. Betty nodded, and started to turn away. Kate reached out and grabbed Betty’s hand, the gesture surprisingly intimate. “And we can go real slow?”
“As slow as you’d like,” Betty said, giving Kate’s hand a squeeze. Her own past clouded her eyes for a moment. “I’d like that too, truly.”
“Then I’ll pack up the leftovers,” Kate said. Betty gave her hand one more squeeze before turning and walking into the kitchen. She found herself humming again, this time the tune to My Prayer.
This wasn’t exactly what she’d meant when she had asked god to help her find the light before, but she thought it might be the answer to her prayers.