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Autumn is a season for countless horror movies and Halloween for Jaemin. A slow lingering death of the summer heat into a cold and dark atmosphere.
Now that he finally admits to himself his (ironically) blooming feelings on his bed, maybe it's the most wonderful time of the year to be miserable like nursing a bad hangover and self-assumed unrequited love from last night’s spooky party with lots of spookier cocktails as their tradition in welcoming the Fall season. He doesn't go to work because of his lethal hangover so as he lay awake doing nothing on his bed, the only thing in his mind is Renjun and also starts to think how Renjun used to be various things in every part of Jaemin's life growing up.
Playmate. Being the only son of Na Household with an engaging and friendly personality, having a lot of toys was not enough or more like, nothing on him. He preferred playing outside, interacting with the children in their neighborhood but most of them were either younger or older than he was.
Jaemin was not a fan of Autumn before because he used to like spring so much. It all changed after Renjun approached him, dry leaves were crunching beneath his tiny red boots, as he walks towards his spot with a cute yet shy smile asking if they could play together since almost everyone in the playground had their own playmates.
Before saying yes, he asked the other kid how old he was because having a same-age friend was his secret wish on his birthday this year.
“I’m eight and new here so I’m still alone.” Little Renjun was so nervous that he might not make a new friend.
Jaemin smiled widely and believed that birthday wishes do come true reminding himself to wish more on his birthday next year. “Okay, I’m Jaemin. Starting from now, you will never be alone anymore.”
“Thanks, Jaemin! I am Renjun! Come on, let’s play on the swing! I will push you as high as you want because you are my very first friend here.”
Neighbor. Jaemin liked to watch people, cars and everything passes outside their window. Their big, comfortable couch placed near the window in the living room was one of his favorite spots in their home next to his parents' room because it helped him do the people-watching easily.
While he was waiting for his mother's breakfast pancakes, Jaemin decided to start his morning watch slash made-up spy game, acting like he was spying on the vacant house across the street with his binoculars when he noticed that a moving service truck was parked in front of the said house. After a while, two men unloaded several boxes from the truck. He heard his mother from the kitchen saying to his father that it must be the new family that will live in the house across theirs.
He observed what was going on outside with his binoculars. A medium sized bicycle was unloaded from the truck that made Jaemin think that there would be another kid around his age that he could be friends with, aside from his playground friend, Renjun.
Another car stopped in front of the truck across their house. It seemed that they were the new family. Jaemin saw a young boy holding a familiar red mickey mouse ball that he used to play with Renjun.
"Hmm, Injunnie have the same mickey ball too!"
Thes boy faced Jaemin's direction that made him gasp after knowing who he was. His binoculars was left forgotten after bouncing on the sofa as he hurries to their door excitedly.
"Injunnie!" Jaemin shouted from their porch, all smiles as he waves his hands in exaggeration knowing that they played as well yesterday.
On that same day, Jaemin asked his mother to welcome Renjun's family and gave them his mother's delicious chicken pot pie.
Mandarin Tutor. Little did Jaemin know that their family vacation to Shanghai would lead him to his newly found hobby: staring intently at Renjun as he talks.
Renjun offered to teach him some survival Mandarin greetings and phrases that would help him a month before their trip.
"Read my lips carefully while I say the words then repeat after me, okay?" His friend told him before introducing himself in Mandarin.
"Nǐ hǎo! Wǒ jiào Zhaimin..." Renjun enunciated carefully. Jaemin didn't just read his friend's lips but he did watch it like a hawk. "...that means Hello, I'm Jaemin."
Jaemin's eyes were still locked on the other, not even blinking. The movement of Renjun's lips captivated him so much he even forgot to repeat what Renjun said. The other waved his hand in front of Jaemin's face to get his attention back to practicing Mandarin, away from zoning out and staring through him.
"I told you to read my lips not stare like you're judging my soul, dummy! Repeat it now." Renjun knew that he was staring but what can he do? He couldn't seem to stop it turned into a mild addiction. He just grinned at him before repeating it. Jaemin would definitely do it again.
"Ah, suàn le! Suàn le! Be lost in Shanghai then!" Renjun told him to just forget it. He assumed that his friend was a bit shaken with that intense gaze he just did.
Little did Renjun know, his friend was already lost in his eyes and lips as he talks. Jaemin found a new found art in gazing at him, staring through him like he's the most delightful thing in this world has to offer.
Best friend. Time has finally passed by, all Jaemin's toys were donated to different charities and at the same time, both him and Renjun became the best of friends in their neighborhood.
Some people said that real best friends don't just come knocking on your door every day as they're a once-in-a-lifetime find you need to hold onto tight. That's what Jaemin did even Renjun was the one who found him on their village's playground when they were eight. That's what he is currently doing right now and will do in the following days, holding onto their friendship tight like it's the most important thing in his life even if he had to pay the price and that is his personal feelings, being left unsaid and unreciprocated.
Jaemin’s actions becomes guarded after the overwhelming realization he had. All the playful advances, skinship and sweet physical gestures that can be considered as a confusing signal gradually turned into subtleness when it comes to Renjun. He is not quite sure if the latter noticed it, but he thinks that this is for the better. All his life he doesn't keep any secrets from his best friend but Jaemin thinks this is the perfect time to have one.
As much as he wants Renjun all to himself, Jaemin is trying so hard not to succumb in his selfish emotions and use his best friend card to take advantage. He will not forgive himself once Renjun found out about his deepest secret that has been creeping under the banner called 'friendship' for a quite long time. He conditioned himself to act like he's not hiding something important that can ruin their pure platonic relationship.
This had become his constant fear that keeps on running in his mind since the day he realized that he liked him. That’s why he decided to tone down, conceal his feelings and protect their friendship but there is another thing that he can stop himself from doing that may send signals to his best friend for him to get busted ー stare.
Even several years had passed, the way Jaemin stare is still intense and doesn't even change. Maybe it will never in this lifetime because his feelings doesn't change since then but he learns how to be as subtle as possible. Jaemin decided to improve his subtle yet sincere ways around Renjun because there are times when his best friend tries to stare back at him jokingly but breaks the contact in an instant as the latter can no longer handle his gaze.
Jaemin remembered that moment when Renjun asked him to be his practice partner. His best friend used to be a part of the drama club way back. Renjun let him read the script.
"If this uncomfortable feeling is jealousy…" Jaemin read the script monotonously without even a single glance at Renjun.
This action made the latter clicked his tongue for disapproval. "Nana, look at me when you say it!"
Jaemin snorted before saying a loud 'fine'. He said it again, now all eyes on Renjun.
"If this uncomfortable feeling is jealousy…"
"Aaah! I can't do it with you. I can't handle that stare." Renjun snatched the script from him and laughed so hard thinking Renjun's flustered expression before walking away. His stare had a huge effect on his best friend and he doesn't know why he's a little proud of that.
Jaemin knows that his best friend only thinks his stare is just a way to tease and make fun of him but Renjun have no idea that it is more than what he thinks. Maybe Renjun being clueless can still be considered as a blessing in disguise for Jaemin to continue his long time hobby or more like, life time vice.
Autumn can also be a season of pining for Jaemin. His feelings turn bright colors of ambers, reds and yellows like leaves before they all drop off the trees. At least they are ones a part of a vibrant foliage, making a lovely scenery before they dry up and be stepped on the ground.
Despite the transition towards a seeming death, Renjun will always be the beautiful foliage and unpredictable warm days that still linger in him but at the same time, a constant reminder of the cold to come.