Archive of Our Own

'Miller!'

Hardy was aware that he was slightly drunk. He'd stopped drinking all that much after they had diagnosed his arrhythmia and now he had lost his bloody tolerance. It was probably a good thing, though. He hadn't wanted to end up like his father and not being supposed to drink for medical reasons had very likely been good after the split from Tess and with the memories from Sandbrook still fresh in his mind.

'What? I'm just saying it as it is. I mean I haven't had sex since the whole debacle with Joe, that's how long now? Almost four years?'

She was just as drunk as he was. It wasn't the first time the two had gone down to the pub together but it was the first time that they'd gone with the intention to get entirely hammered. Well, at least Miller did. Hardy just didn't really know how much alcohol he could handle anymore.

'And you'd just fuck the first person you see?'

'Well, not the first. But probably the first attractive one who wasn't an asshole. Wouldn't you? I mean I don't know, but it must have been some time since your last shag, right?'

Hardy shrugged. It had been years, actually. The last person he'd had sex with was Tess and they hadn't had a lot of sex in the last few months of their relationship. No wonder, really. Hardy never asked for sex himself, he just had no desire for it, and after Tess had started her fling with Dave, there'd really been no reason to. Not that he knew of that at the time, but in retrospect it made sense.

'Dunno. Maybe since five months before Tess and I seperated?'

Miller looked at him with a kind of blank stare.

'That's what?,' she asked, 'Seven years now?'

'Yes. Is that so odd?'

He really didn't understand what the big deal was. He just wasn't interested. He never really understood why people had the constant urge to have sex, nevertheless wanted to talk about it all the bloody time.

'Yes.'

'But why would I have sex with someone that I'm not in a relationship with?'

Miller's blank stare turned even more blank, if possible.

'Cause sex is fun? Cause you just want to get off every once in a while? Don't you like sex?'

Hardy shrugged, grumbled.

'It's alright, I guess. 'S just not really my thing.'

Miller took a sip from her beer, slammed the almost empty glass back on the table. The plates that were still standing in front of them from their dinner about an hour ago rattled as the table vibrated from the force.

'Okay, let me recap this. You think sex is alright but not really your thing. You don't get why people have sex with people they aren't in a relationship with. And you don't think seven years is a long time without sex.'

Hardy nodded.

'Have you never shagged someone just for the fun of it?'

'No.'

'Well, why then?'

'Because it felt like the next step in the relationship? Or because my partner wanted it and I didn't mind cause it made them happy?'

Christ, he didn't even know why he had to explain this. Sex created an entirely new kind of intimacy. That was the only thing he'd ever got out of it. But his partners seemed to like it and he was happy to indulge them as long as they didn't expect him to start it.

'Seriously? Then exactly how many people have you slept with?'

'Two.'

'Two?'

Hardy nodded.

'Yes.'

'Tess and?'

'Someone from university.'

Hardy remembered that someone well. It had been hard to break up, but they both decided it was better for them. Better for the future.

'Someone from university?'

'Yes.'

'You've only had two relationships?'

'Yup.'

'Christ. I knew you were shite with people but I didn't know it was this bad.'

A sigh escaped Hardy's lips. He knew he'd regret this tomorrow. But the alcohol had loosened his tongue and to be honest it felt sort of good to talk about this. For years the suspicion that something was wrong with him had overcome him every once in a while and it was nice to get another opinion on this, even if Miller was just confirming his doubts.

''S not about that. I just wasn't interested in any more people. I mean, it's not like love at first sight is an actual thing.'

'It is. I mean at least for some people it is. And even if not, there must have been something about them that is attractive at first sight, otherwise you wouldn't start talking to them.'

'I was friends with them first?'

'Well, you're definitely the odd one out here then. Most people don't date people they're good friends with because they're to scared of ruining the friendship.' Miller paused, downed the rest of her beer and raised her hand to order another one. 'What was the name of that other girl anyway?'

'Which other girl?'

'The one you went to uni with.'

Right. Hardy picked at the cold, vinegar soaked chip on his plate that he'd left over from dinner. The thing was that that person hadn't been a girl. He'd never talked about him much after they broke up, never knew how to bring it up, especially not to his very Christian family back in Scotland. That was one of the main reasons they split. Henry had had a Christian family as well and it had been the early nineties so there'd been basically no chance for them to stay together for a longer time without starting a huge row in their families.

He spoke very quietly when he finally said it.

'Wasn't a girl.'

'What?,' Miller asked.

Hardy wasn't sure if she just hadn't been able to hear her through the loud music or if she couldn't believe it.

'He wasn't a girl,' he repeated, a little bit louder. 'His name was Henry.'

'Ooh, you had a gay fling at uni.'

Hardy knew she'd never say this particular words in this particular order in that particular tone of voice had she been sober, but it still hurt a little. Henry hadn't been a fling. He had loved him, just like he had loved Tess. Shit, sometimes he even believed he still loved Tess, even after everything. It had always been hard for Hardy to open himself to someone, especially after his mum's death, but it was even harder to move on.

Miller didn't seem to notice that she wasn't being necessarily tactful at the moment, judging by the wide grin on her face.

'Are you a top or a bottom?'

Hardy's ears tinted pink.

'Miller!'

'What? I'm just asking. There's nothing to be embarrassed about.'

Hardy shook his head. He could feel his cheeks turning red, exhaled slowly.

'Bottom,' he finally said, careful to be quiet enough that no one except for Miller would here him.

Miller's grin seemed to widen even more.

'I knew it.'

Hardy sighed.

'God, this is so inappropriate. And bloody embarrassing. Why am I even telling you all this?'

'Because you're drunk and insecure?'

'Great, thanks.'

'Anytime.'

~

Hardy stared down at the texts Miller had just sent him, ignoring his mug of tea on the table in front of him.

'Did some research. I think you're asexual and demiromantic.'

'Christ, why did you let me drink this much? My head's exploding.'

He didn't bother answering.

Asexual. Never heard that before. And what the fuck was demiromantic even supposed to be? None of this made any sense, any sense at all. Wasn't there just hetero, gay and bi?

When he heard the door open, he turned around to see Daisy enter the small kitchen in their house. She came over to him, hugged him half-heartedly on her way to the fridge.

'Morning, dad.'

'Morning, darlin'.'

A few moments later she came back, a yoghurt cup in one hand, a spoon in the other, and sat down opposite of him.

'What's bothering you?,' she asked, peeling the foil off the cup.

He shook his head. Nope. He wouldn't have this conversation with his teenage daughter. Definitely not right now before he'd had breakfast.

'Nothing to worry about.'

'Oh, c'mon, dad.'

''S nothing, really. Just,' he stopped, tapped his thumb against the handle of his tea mug. 'Miller and I talked about - wel-l,' god, why was he so awkward, '-about sexuality last night.'

'So?'

Why was she so much less awkward about this than he was? Bloody hell.

'She just texted me telling me that she thinks I'm asexual and demiromantic.'

Daisy scooped a spoonful of yoghurt into her mouth.

'So?'

'So? What's that even supposed to mean?'

'Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. Doesn't have to mean you don't have sex, doesn't have to mean you don't enjoy it. You're just not attracted to people. And as far as I know, might be wrong though, does demiromantic mean that you only might be romantically attracted to people after you've formed a strong bond with them.'

Shit. That made sense. That made a lot of bloody sense.

'So you're telling me when other people say that someone is hot, they really want to have sex with them.'

'Yes. And why again are we having this conversation while I'm eating?'

Hardy didn't answer. He was too occupied with his own thoughts. Okay, people actually found people attractive, just like that without any reason. This whole thing hadn't just been an inside joke no one had let him in on. Okay. This was totally fine. Not a weird thought at all.

'Dad? Are you alright?'

Hardy nodded.

'Yes,' he said, paused, sipped his tea. 'Why do you even know all this stuff, Daiz?'

'School. They talked to us about in health class.'

Right. Sometimes he forgot how much things had changed since his own childhood. Being straight had been the only acceptable option then. Find a girl, marry her, have children.

'Look, dad, I don't want to explain all this shit to you cause this is already awkward enough, but if you want to I can give you some flyers and websites to look through.'

He nodded.

'That would be nice, yes.'

More than nice actually.

'Good.' She finished the yoghurt, got up again. 'I'll get it for you now then. And then I'll go out to Chlo's, alright?'

Another nod. She was almost out of the hallway when he shouted for her again.

'Oi, Daiz!'

She turned around, came back into the kitchen.

'Don't you think you forgot something?'

She sighed, picked up the empty yoghurt cup and threw it in the rubbish bin.

'Better?'

'Yes.'

Hardy smiled at her sticking out her tongue at him. He hadn't expected to figure out his sexuality in his late fourties. Definitely not during a night in the pub with Miller. But it seemed like this was exactly what had happened.