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It felt suffocating. He felt like drowning in water with no way out. He felt like dying, and yet he was still alive even though it hurt him so much. It was like being sucked away to the bottom of the sea with no way out. Chuuya tried to fight, but his lungs were filled with water. That was what he felt when thinking about his partner; the partner who got away.
Chuuya really wanted to hate Dazai. Why wouldn’t he? Dazai, who kept bothering him. Dazai, who made his life problematic. Dazai, who made Chuuya spend a lot of money because of the pranks he pulled.
Dazai, who left him.
After his departure Chuuya felt devastated, but he still tried to be strong. He was not supposed to appear weak in front of others, no matter the reason. He was the strongest executive in Port Mafia. He could not show any weakness before his subordinates.
Chuuya always told himself that he didn't need Dazai in his life. That even though he was no longer able to use corruption, even though there would be no more voices providing strategies, no more shared moments after the battle, no more missions together, he could still survive in the Port Mafia.
But if that was the case then why did he feel phantom pain whenever he looked at things that reminded him of Dazai? He felt so suffocated and he just wanted everything to disappear.
Kouyou realized Chuuya's behavior had changed since the news and confronted him about it. Chuuya being Chuuya would deny any accusation thrown at him, but because of the persuasion from his Ane-san, he began to vent about his feelings towards Dazai.
When Chuuya finished, Kouyou chuckled and the boy was confused. Kouyou explained that what Chuuya felt was a sign that he liked Dazai a lot more than just a friend or a partner. Kouyou did not say that she had expected it from the beginning.
Chuuya, of course, initially opposed the statement from the female executive. But after giving it some thought he realized that it was the truth. He liked Dazai, maybe even loved him. When he realized it, he strongly fought against his own feelings. How could he like someone who only gave him trouble? How could he like someone who hurt him? How could he like someone who left him with no news and left him to hear about it from someone else?
But then he thought about what could happen if he and Dazai ended up together. A smile slowly formed on his face.
When he thought of him and Dazai talking the same way again, a date together with Dazai (maybe they could even hold hands), a small fight that would occur but it wouldn’t be a problem, how he could help Dazai get out of his suicidal thoughts, the thought of a future together Dazai.....
Chuuya thought about how happy he could be. But no matter what he thought, it didn’t change the fact that Dazai had left.
Chuuya then started to think about how liberating it would be if he gave up on his feelings. Dazai was probably wasn’t going to reciprocate his feelings anyway. It would hurt, but it would hurt less than being rejected. He wouldn’t be able to handle that.
Chuuya thought it might be okay if he never expressed his feelings. He wouldn’t get rejected with that. Chuuya decided he would keep it a secret. He did not want to get hurt. The suffocating feeling was back, but he ignored it.
The red-haired man thought that he could move on. But he knew that was a lie.
He kept saying that he would be better off without Dazai, that it was best for him that Dazai had left the Port Mafia. But his little heart always screamed that he needed him. He needed his partner. He had fallen deeply and there was no way out.
Sometimes he thought about what would have happened if he’d known the reason Dazai had left. Would he try to stop it or not? If he had known sooner, would he have let him drift away or begged him to stay? They were just mindless thoughts, but he kept thinking about them a lot.
There were times at night, when he was alone in his room and he felt like crying. Sometimes there were moments when the pent up feelings became too much and he felt suffocated again. He needed to let out his pent up feelings. He needed something to let him vent. He looked at his notebook and started to write.
We let the waters rise
We drifted to survive
I needed you to stay
But I let you drift away
My love where are you?
My love where are you?
The poem started to write itself and Chuuya just let it. He poured his feelings onto the paper until he felt satisfied.
Ever since then he carried a notebook with him wherever he went. If the suffocating feelings came back he would write in the notebook. Sometimes it was poem, sometimes just a scribble. It helped him a lot and he was grateful for it.
Their first meeting after four years of separation started with bickering in the dungeon. Not exactly romantic, but inwardly somehow Chuuya felt pleased. “Dazai is still alive” his mind supplied and he felt warm.
Four years had done wonders to Dazai. Dazai grew taller and Chuuya thought it wasn’t fair. He also did not believe his partner could look even more handsome than before.
Dazai looked healthier and happier, not like before where he would have that bored look plastered on his face and saw the world as nothing. Chuuya felt his chest grow tight. He was actually happy to see Dazai's better condition, but on the other hand he was annoyed because it wasn’t him who’d made the change.
Chuuya wanted to touch him, but he settled with trying to choke Dazai. Dazai’s just laughed seeing Chuuya try and Chuuya felt something strange inside him.
The naturally trouble-seeking nature of both the executive and the ex-executive made them fight each other. The fight was indeed started by Chuuya, but was also stopped by Chuuya after knowing Dazai's plan. Reluctantly he let Dazai escape. It was a lie; he would have helped Dazai escape no matter what, just because he was that stupid.
Dazai demanded him to do a rich girl pose before he went. It was embarrassing as hell but he did it anyway. He still couldn’t refuse Dazai. After Chuuya left, he smiled to himself. He’d missed these moments.
Once again he grabbed his notebook and started to write.
The next time they met was when they were put on a joint mission to defeat the two guild members. Chuuya had to use corruption and he didn't hesitate to use it. He trusted Dazai. Bad idea, he should have known better, but he ignored it.
Chuuya did not expect Dazai to stay even though Dazai had promised he would. Chuuya knew his tendency to lie after all. That didn’t mean he didn’t have any hope; he was still hoping Dazai would stay. So when he was left alone in the middle of the forest, he was not surprised at all. It stung a lot but he thought it was his own fault.
He then realized that Dazai had wiped the blood from his face. He’d folded his robe and retrieved his hat. It made Chuuya feel warm despite the cold night in the forest. It crossed his mind that maybe Dazai did care about him. Even though only a little, Chuuya wanted to cling to that hope.
After he was rescued and sent back home, he took a look at his notebook. Thankfully it was still safe inside his pants’ pocket. His notebook was already filled with too much writings and he felt a little embarrassed reading it.
He thought about the warm feelings he had, then started to write again.
It had been 3 months since the incident with Fyodor and for now Yokohama was in a state of peace. His relationship with Dazai had improved even though they still fought a lot. The suffocating feelings he used to have were still there but they weren’t unbearable anymore. He still felt a little jealous whenever he saw Dazai laughing with ADA members, but he could live with that.
He went outside to buy a third notebook, because the notebooks from before had already been filled and there was no more space left to write.
When Chuuya got home, he felt there was someone inside his room. He was not surprised when he learned that it was Dazai; he had done it so often before.
Chuuya saw Dazai standing beside his bed and felt that there was something strange about Dazai. When he asked, Dazai didn't answer.
"I give up."
“What do you mean?” Chuuya just stood confused inside his room, not understanding at all what Dazai meant.
Dazai took out a notebook from his pocket and showed it to Chuuya. Chuuya’s eyes widen and he couldn’t believe Dazai had read his notebook. He felt so embarrassed he just wanted to sink into a hole and hide.
Dazai looked at the small man’s trembling figure and he felt a little bad. Chuuya looked as if he could bolt right away. Well, it wasn’t Chuuya’s fault, everyone whose secret was being exposed would feel scared.
“Chuuya, let’s talk.” Dazai walked closer to Chuuya and the redhead felt his heart stop for a little bit. His breath became uneasy and he tried to look at anywhere else except at Dazai. He was so nervous and he wanted to get out.
"Chuuya, I thought there was no way you would reciprocate my feelings before. Every day I keep thinking about how different my life would be if we were together."
Chuuya fell silent and let Dazai continue speaking.
"After reading the notebook I realized how stupid we are. We both want the same thing but we both never put in any effort to take it.” Dazai laughed.
“Wait a second what are you being so confident about? Do you think the notebook means anything? What if it’s about someone else?” Chuuya felt his hands were sweating. He was actually feeling ecstatic now, but the sudden development was too much for him.
Dazai only smiled at him fondly. He knew Chuuya was afraid right now, but he had waited for so long, and finally got a chance to confess.
“Chuuya, you really can’t lie. Many of the poems are about someone who left, and as far as I know I am the only one who was brave enough to leave the strongest fighter in the port mafia.”
At first it had pained Dazai to read about the hardships Chuuya had gone through when he left, but then he’d smiled at the latest poem, which had a happier tone than before.
Chuuya got angry all of sudden. His face flushed and he clenched his fist. He let his feelings explode to the man in front of him. “So you know you abandoned me. Why should I accept you now?! Is this a game to you? Toying with my feelings?!” He felt like crying but he held it in. He definitely didn’t want to look weak in front of this jerk he loved.
“I’m sorry Chuuya but I have my own reasons. I am not ready to talk about it now, but I promise I will in the future. Maybe you can't accept me now but I beg you when you're ready, can we surrender?”
Chuuya couldn’t say anything. His head was blank and full of emotion. The way Dazai talked felt like it was the only truth in the world and he just wanted to grasp it.
“If this is a game then no one will win. I just want you back Chuuya. Can’t you see I am waving my white flag now? I surrender with my feelings and I will wait for you until you are ready too.” Dazai said and Chuuya began to shed tears.
"I hate you.”
“I know.”
“You are a stupid mackerel and I hate you.”
“Whatever you say slug.”
They smiled at each other. Chuuya’s muscle relaxed and his shoulder wasn’t tensed up anymore. Chuuya took a breath and then make one final decision.
“I surrender.”
Dazai eyes widen and then he smiled so widely at Chuuya’s words. Just two simple words but they weighed so much.
Then like a pair of perfect puzzle pieces their lips fits together . Chuuya let Dazai kiss him. All the feelings he held before he poured in the kiss. Their lips parted away for air and they looked into each other's eyes.
They still felt high from their first kiss, but they dove right in for another. It continued for some more until they both were satisfied; they had a lot of pent up feelings after all.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
They went to sleep together, hugging each other, basking in each other’s warmth. Chuuya hoped he wasn’t dreaming. He would cry if this was a dream.
But when he woke up and saw Dazai sleeping beside him, he felt so happy he could die. The suffocating feelings were gone, and he felt from now on he was going to be okay.