Archive of Our Own

Lexi had always felt out of place, as if everywhere she went, she didn’t belong and did something wrong. Yet, she never knew how to change that, not that she’d have wanted to. She knew she was weird, awkward. Of course she knew. But it was her personality, she didn’t want to change that  for anyone. Even though many people had told her to do so… 

Rue was the only one who acknowledged her for who she was. With Rue, she had always felt alright. There was this sort of agreement that neither of them was perfect and that they shouldn’t judge each other. It was all very easy with her. Though recently, things had changed for the worst. With Rue struggling with her addiction, Lexi always felt a bit on the edge. She was scared for her friend and always doubted her own actions. Still, she swore she would always have her back. She would always be there. 

One night, Rue texted her that she needed her help, again . She didn’t specify what kind of help she wanted, but Lexi knew all too well... Lexi felt awful when Rue asked her to help her cheat on her medical tests. She felt horrible pissing in a plastic cup for her. Yet, she always did it in the end… She wanted Rue to get better, she truly did, but she also understood that the road toward recovery wasn’t an easy one either. And mostly,  she didn’t want Rue to push away her only friend. After all, Lexi knew how awful it felt to be all alone. Still, she couldn’t stop the anger she felt everytime Rue would ask her for that. It reminded her of her own mother asking her to bring her a bottle of wine.

‘’Rue,’’ she said to the other girl on her phone.

She had decided to call her friend. It was past 10 pm and Lexi had nowhere to go or nothing to do. She had been watching cat videos on youtube, her favourite pets after dogs. A normal teenager would have laughed at her Saturday night, she was aware of that, but Lexi didn’t know what else she could possibly be doing other than that (maybe talk to Rue on the phone, a voice said in her head, or maybe hang out with Rue in the park, or watch a movie with Rue  or… anything with Rue really). So she had decided to call her friend.

‘’Hey, Lex, sup?’’ Rue said  with the tone she always used these days, a lazy and slow tone. 

‘’I was watching videos of cats in my room.’’

‘’Oh, cool.’’ Rue never judged. ‘’Listen, er, you got my text?’’

‘’I did.  What sort of help did you want?’’ 

Maybe she was playing stupid, but she didn’t want Rue to feel too comfotable asking her for that kind of help anymore. In these sorts of situations, some people needed to feel shame and incomfort, to remember they were in the wrong.  Or so Lexi thought. Lexi always thought her own mother had never felt shame in her entire life. 

‘’Well, I was supposed to buy a gift for Gia, for her birthday and shit.’’

Lexi was surprised by that. She also felt a little bit guilty. The voice in her head told her she was a horrible friend.

‘’You want my help to buy her a gift?’’ Lexi smiled. ‘’A dress, like last year?’’

‘’Nah, s’a bit too late for that.’’ Lexi nodded. It was 10:23. ‘’ I thought you could help me out with something else.’’

‘’But Rue, how did you forget to buy her a gift? Isn’t her birthday tomorrow?’’

She could almost hear Rue cringe. ‘’That’s… Not my fault. I slept the entire day because of the pills. ‘’

‘’Oh...’’ 

‘’Yeah...So, listen. Y’know how Gia loves Rex and how he’s coming soon, I thought I could buy her tickets? They’re still available online.’’

‘’Great idea.’’

‘’But I don’t really have the money now…. And mom won’t give it to me. Can you transfer me like $100? I’ll pay you back soon.’’

Lexi’s first reaction was to say yes but she controlled herself. It felt a little too weird. She didn't want to admit it, but taking that money to buy some drugs wouldn’t be something out of Rue’s tricks. She had done it before. 

‘’I’ll buy the tickets and then send them to you.’’ 

‘’You have a credit card?’’ Rue asked. 

Lexi bit her lips. Rue had thought of everything. Unless she wasn’t lying and Lexi was overthinking it. No. Better safe than sorry. She did care for Gia a lot and wanted to help Rue buy the gift but...If it was a trick, well...She had to say no to those tricks, even if it meant that Rue would be angry at her for awhile. 

‘’Okay,’’ she gave in. ‘’I will transfer it.’’

‘’You think I’m lying, uh?’’ She heard Rue laugh sweetly. ‘’S’fine, I get it. You don’t trust me much anymore.’’

Lexi sighed. ‘’I said I would transfer it.’’

‘’But you still think I could be lying.’’

‘’You asked me to piss in a cup for you before.’’

‘’I said I would stop,’’ Rue hissed. ‘’I’m sorry about that!’’

Lexi sighed again. ‘’I know. I’m sorry I brought it up.’’

‘’Lexi...I wouldn’t trick you like that...I-I miss you.’’

Lexi flushed. ‘’I sent it.’’

There was a moment of silence and Lexi thought she had perhaps said the wrong thing again. This feeling of doing the wrong thing came back. She wasn’t used to feeling that way with Rue and she hated it.

‘’Thanks Lex, you’re a great friend.’’

‘’Can we hang out tomorrow?’’ She flushed again. 

There was a part of her that knew now was the best time to ask. When Rue was thankful to her like that, she felt she could ask her anything. She could ask her to leave the country and rob a bank with her and Rue would probably say yes. But all Lexi wanted was to hang out with her. She hoped she wasn’t being selfish. 

‘’Tomorrow’s Gia’s birthday. Nothing big, s’not the big one. You can come but it will probably only be us watching a movie.’’

Lexi nodded. ‘’I like movies.’’

‘’You’re so cute Lexi.’’

Lexi didn’t say anything to that but she did blush one last time that night. 

*

They decided they would meet at 15:00 that day. Rue had invited her to come earlier, but Lexi knew how important a moment alone with her family was. She would let the two sisters and their mother have that moment. 

As time flew slowly, Lexi decided to change her top another time. She had probably changed her outfit five times already, but for some reason, she didn’t feel right in her jeans and shirt. She was now trying a black top and Cass’ blue miniskirt. It wasn’t what she usually wore, but it always looked so good on her sister.

‘’Looking hot, Lex.’’ 

Her sister was lying on her bed, her head lazily resting on her hand. She smiled at Lexi and stared at the skirt.

‘’You’re going on a date?’’

Lexi looked at herself in the mirror. The skirt was way too short on her. Her mom was always telling her she needed to lose some weight but Lexi didn’t really think so. She thought her weight was alright. 

‘’I’m going to Rue’s house.’’

Cass sat up on her bed slowly and gave her a curious look through the mirror. 

‘’Is it a date?’’

‘’No...Why would you say that?’’ 

Cass shrugged. ‘’I’ve never seen you try that skirt on before.’’

Lexi turned around and frowned at her sister. ‘’ What does that mean?’’

‘’Nothing. I just thought you wanted to look cute for someone.’’

‘’I think I can look cute for myself.’’ Lexi lowered her head. Why did it feel like she was missing something here, like usual?

Cass stood up and put a hand on her shoulder. 

‘’Of course you can, I didn’t mean anything by that. Sorry, Lex.’’

‘’Rue loves her,’’ Lexi continued, her frown still on her face. ‘’It doesn’t make any sense that you would say that.’’ 

‘’Oh, that’s what doesn’t make sense?’’ her sister teased. ‘’You can want to look cute for someone, even if they’re dating you know.’’

‘’That’s just wrong.’’

‘’Of course it is, doesn’t mean people don’t do it.’’

‘’I don’t like her like that. I don’t like anybody like that.’’

Lexi turned again, looking at the both of them in the mirror. When they stood next to each other, like this, they looked so similar. It was weird how nobody could see it. They always commented on how Lexi was so different. On how she looked nothing like Cass. Lexi thought maybe it was a subtle insult toward her, because Cass was so pretty and she wasn’t that good looking. 

‘’You’re just shy.’’

‘’You keep saying that.’’

Cass laughed sweetly and hugged her sister from behind. 

‘’You are! You’re so cute, Lex.’’

Lexi tilted her head to the side, her face calming visibly. ‘’Rue said the same thing to me yesterday on the phone.’’

‘’She did?’’

She nodded. 

‘’Did you like it when she said that?’’

Lexi hadn’t hated it. ‘’Why?’’ 

‘’Maybe she likes you, like that .’’ Cass teased. ‘’Since her other girlfriend left, you know.’’

Lexi shook her head. She loved her older sister but sometimes she would say such inappropriate things. Jules’ leaving the town after the dance had been so weird and sudden. Lexi had never really asked Rue about that, she could see it had hurt her a lot. Even though Rue had told her once Jules would come back soon, Lexi wasn’t so sure. Kat had told the girls she heard Jules had gone back with her mother. Maddy had said she was in another city with some girl. Nobody really knew what was going on with her. 

‘’She doesn’t like me like that.’’

‘’Do you?’’ 

Lexi sighed. How could she possibly know if she liked Rue that way. She didn’t understand anything when it came to feelings. How did people even know when they were sexually attracted to another person? She had no idea at all.

‘’I don’t think so. I don’t think I’m a lesbian.’’

Cass moved out of her personal space and chuckled. 

‘’You don’t need to put a name on it.’’

Lexi frowned again. ‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’Well, did you feel something when she said that yesterday?’’ Cass leaned on the fourniture and crossed her arms. 

‘’Like what?’’

‘’Like, you know. Did you feel a pull here,’’ she touched the lower part of her stomach, ‘’ or did you blush maybe?’’ 

‘’No,’’ Lexi lied. ‘’Nothing like that.’’

She could tell her sister didn’t believe her at all. She was calmly staring at her, giving her this look, the one screaming that she would wait and talk with her patiently all day if it was what Lexi needed to tell her the truth. Maybe it was something big sisters did?

‘’I need to go now,’’ Lexi looked away again. ‘’To Rue’s... It’s Gia’s birthday.’’

‘’You’re wearing the skirt then?’’ her sister smiled.

‘’You’re so fucking annoying sometimes!’’

‘’Love you too! Tell Gia happy birthday for me!’’

Lexi left the room without saying anything more. She hated how that conversation had ended. Maybe Lexi was a bit clueless about some things around her... it didn’t mean Cass had to tease her about it (and she always did). Another thing big sisters did, maybe. 

*

When she arrived at their house, she was met with an immense hug. Gia was wearing a red sweatshirt and a pink skirt and smelled like strawberries. She also seemed very happy to see her. Lexi hugged her back and the two girls went inside the kitchen together.

‘’Rue gave me tickets to see Rex orange county!’’ she smiled. She was practically jumping.

‘’That’s great!’’ Lexi pretended to be surprised. Though there was a part inside her that really was surprised it hadn’t been a lie.

‘’Oh, no need to play coy! She told me you helped.’’ Gia hugged her again. ‘’Thanks for the gift, Lex.’’

Lexi smiled honestly. ‘’Of course.’’ 

She heard someone going down the stairs and was met with Rue. She was wearing a white blouse and brown trousers. She also had a grin on her face and one eyebrow raised, daring Lexi to say anything. Lexi blushed and looked away. She wanted to apologize to Rue, now and there, but she couldn’t next to Gia. She felt terrible and she could see her turmoil was highly rewarding for Rue. At least she was enjoying this…Well, seeing as it was her best friend, Lexi had to break the ice one way or another. 

‘’Hi,’’ Lexi said a little awkwardly.

‘’Yo, Lex.Took you long enough.’’

Lexi looked at her watch. ‘’It’s 3:10.’’

Rue sat down on the kitchen chair next to where she was standing and sighed. 

‘’I thought you were just being polite. Didn’t know you were actually going to come that late.’’

‘’Yeah! Mom left super early, she had to work...’’

‘’Oh,’’ Lexi said stupidly. ‘’I’m sorry.’’

The two sisters looked at each other and laughed. 

‘’It’s alright, really!’’ 

‘’ We were waiting for you to watch the movie though.’’ Rue grinned again. 

‘’I have a gift for Gia.’’

Rue raised her eyebrows comically and Gia stopped moving. She had been searching the fridge for some drinks when she turned back to them.

‘’Another gift? Wow!’’

Lexi searched her bag and gave her a little box. She could tell the two sisters were both as excited to see what was inside the box and it made her smile. It wasn’t a big surprise, but she thought Gia would like it nonetheless. She had bought it weeks prior, not because she had planned it but because she had seen it in a shop and had thought of Gia. She had waited patiently to give it to her.

‘’A Winsor and Newton Cotman watercolour set!’’

Gia jumped on her again and hugged her warmly. Lexi couldn’t help the big smile on her face. 

‘’You like it?’’

‘’I love it...Thank you so much, Lex. You’re so kind.’’

She could tell Gia was trying not to cry and looked away to see Rue observing her. She smiled slowly at Lexi’s embarrassed demeanor. 

‘’I’ll put it in my room and I’ll come back, don’t move!’’

‘’And where the hell would we be moving to?’’ Rue joked when they were left alone in the kitchen.

‘’Maybe we could take the next plane to Canada?’’

Rue laughed. ‘’There’s nothing to fucking see in Canada.’’

Lexi sat down next to her. ‘’My aunt lives there.’’

‘’Wasn’t she the aunt y’all hate? More reasons not to go there.’’

Lexi smiled a little and suddenly blushed again. 

‘’Sorry about yesterday…’’

‘’Uh-oh, something happened yesterday?’’ Rue was teasing her, her grin was back on her face and her voice was playful. 

Lexi looked away but Rue moved closer, to catch Lexi’s guilty eyes. 

‘’You...You were right,’’ she blushed again, ‘’I didn’t trust you entirely.’’

Rue put a hand on her shoulder and approached her reassuringly. ‘’Lex, common. Relax.’’

Lexi felt that . She felt Rue’s hand on her shoulder sliding on her back slowly... and she felt Rue’s body close to her. She also felt Rue’s legs pressed against hers and she was feeling her curly hair tickling her cheeks. She felt all of that. And one last thing she felt was a pull on the lower part of her stomach, rendering her paralyzed and hyper aware of everything.

‘’Oh,’’ Lexi said with realisation, trying to move away slowly. She knew she was blushing: her face, her ears, her neck, everything. She could feel it. 

‘’Don’t panic,’’ Rue said carefully. ‘’It’s really ok, Lex.’’

They were both staring at each other now and Lexi thought this couldn’t possibly be right. The way Rue was staring at her and the way Lexi was feeling everything, it couldn’t possibly be normal.  

‘’I expect you not to trust me all the time,’’ Rue smiled. ‘’Remember? My being a recovering addict and all.’’

‘’Yeah, but still... It was shitty.’’

‘’Lex, shitty is the last thing I’d call you. You’re the sweetest person I know.’’

Lexi moved back again. Maybe she would fall off that chair but she wanted the tension in her stomach to go away, she wanted her heart to stop beating so fast and she wanted her mind to be able to work properly again.

‘’That gift you gave her,’’ Rue smiled, ‘’fucking amazing. Those things are so expensive, you'd think they would be bigger. They’re so tiny.’’

‘’I don’t mind. I knew she loves painting but had no real sets.’’

‘’See? You’re like an angel or something.’’

‘’I wish people would stop saying that,’’ Lexi smiled timidly, slowly relaxing. ‘’I can be angry too.’’

‘’Fuck if I don’t know,’’ Rue laughed. ‘’Common, she’s coming back.’’

Gia came back in the kitchen, opened the fridge again and picked two drinks. ‘’Here, Lex! I know my dumb sister didn’t offer you anything to drink!’’

‘’Who you calling dumb, you birthday girl?’’ Rue smiled. 

‘’So you offered her a drink then?’’ Gia raised her eyebrows, just like Rue always did too.

‘’Er, shut up.’’ Gia and Lexi both laughed. ‘’Lex is like family, she can take the drink herself!’’

She heard the two sisters starting (playfully) yelling at each other but she was no longer listening... Lexi could only look at her feet and smile as she sipped  her cold lemonade.

*

‘’I can’t believe she’s the only one who survived,’’ Rue said lazily. 

‘’Well the cat survived too, I guess…’’ Lexi corrected.

‘’But the other humans all died,’’ Rue said. ‘’Wack.’’

‘’I believe it, she was the smartest.’’ Gia put a hand on her stomach. ‘’I’m hungry! I’m gonna see if we have coupons for a pizza or something. I’m coming back, don’t move!

Rue had been sitting next to Gia on the couch while Lexi had been sitting on the opposite side of it, with Gia in the middle. With Gia gone, Rue scooted closer to her friend, a cute smile on her face.

‘’Man, I think if she asks us one more time to not move,  I’ll leave her ass on purpose,’’ she laughed.

Lexi looked at the television screen, frozen on the film’s credits, and smiled.

‘’I think it’s sweet.’’

‘’Of course you would.’’

‘’Well it is. She seems so happy today, like a proper kid.’’

‘’Yeah… a proper kid,’’ Rue fell down on the couch and stared at the ceiling. ‘’Alien movies are so creepy, imagine if those things really existed.’’

Lexi looked at her friend’s peaceful expression. Recently, Rue had been her old self again, calm and funny. Lexi couldn’t stop worrying she would relapse soon. But since the dance episode, it didn’t seem like she had touched drugs again.

‘’They do exist, I’m sure.’’

‘’Nah but like really existed, not theoretically, y’know? Walking amongst us and all, ’’ she said it so seriously, Lexi couldn’t help but laugh.

‘’I guess we will never know.’’ 

Rue opened her eyes and turned her head on the couch so she could look at Lexi. She was staring at her with no shame and a little smile one her lips... Ah. Fuck. Again. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Lexi couldn't bear this sensation. It made things impossible for her. She had thought sexual attraction was not that bad, was manageable, was over hyped. She had always thought the others to be too much but this...it was frustrating. It was all too much, how her stomach contracted, how her body became warm and agitated, how her eyes couldn’t stop searching Rue’s and how her mouth opened on its own.  She didn’t know how the others had dealt with this their entire teenage life, but she felt out of it. And the worst was that she knew she was getting red again. She couldn’t hide it at all.

‘’You look different today,’’ Rue whispered. 

The other girl looked at Lexi’s body, up and down. Since when did she do that? She had never done that to Lexi. It only made things worse for her, couldn’t Rue get that?

‘’I guess I put a little makeup on.’’ Lexi said  slowly and awkwardly. 

‘’Oh?’’ Rue sat down again and tilted her head so she could look properly. ‘’You did...Why?’’

Lexi sighed. ‘’I felt like it.’’

She saw Rue’s stare slowly moving from her eyes to her lips.  And from her face to her thighs and then her legs and up on her face again. Wow. Okay . Fuck that . Lexi was on fire. It was horrible. She felt hot, she felt so fucking hot, and agitated. She tried quickly to stand up but she stumbled on her legs. Rue agilely put a hand on her back and laughed.

‘’You alright?’’

‘’My legs are numb,’’ she said stupidly as she moved away. 

‘’Hmm,’’ Rue replied, still smiling on the couch. ‘’I like the skirt by the way.’’

Lexi stared at the floor and squirmed uncomfortably.  ‘’It’s Cass’ skirt.’’

‘’Oh.’’ Rue stared at her thighs again, where Lexi’s hands were playing with the jeans fabric. ‘’It fits you well.’’

‘’I-I have to go,’’ she blurted. 

She tried to make it to the hallway but was stopped by Gia’s voice.

‘’Whaaaat?’’ Gia said from the kitchen. ‘’Don’t listen to Rue!’’

‘What did I do?’’ Rue laughed. ‘’Lex, common! Tell her I didn’t do nothing!’’

‘’Whatever she said! Don’t listen to her!’’

Gia came back in the living room and hugged Lexi, brochures in her hands. ‘’Common, Lexi. Just another movie...I found coupons for a family pizza…You liked mushrooms right?’’

She had to get away. Obviously she had to. It was like as soon as she had felt one flame of attraction towards Rue, her whole body was on fire and she hated it so much. She didn’t know how to stop it and she had to get away. 

‘’Okay,’’ she gave in. ‘’And I don’t mind mushrooms I guess.’’

‘’She loves them,’’ Rue laughed behind her. 

*

They stayed up even after the second Alien movie was finished, even after they had cleaned the living room and had washed the dishes. It was past 12:00 now and they were all lying on Rue’s bed. Rue and Gia were next to each other and Lexi was on the bed corner, next to Gia. With the lights barely on and under the darkness of the nightimes, Lexi felt she was about to fall asleep on the girls. She tried her best to stay awake as the two sisters whispered stories, jokes and debated on issues teenagers worried about. Lexi couldn’t help a smile on her lips. It reminded her of Cass. She wished she hadn’t snapped so rudely at her. She would apologize once she got home...

‘’But like,’’ she heard Gia say firmly after some times, ‘’That’s not even the point. Why would you ever go through this whooole process of, I don’t know, being on earth if you don’t have a real purpose, you know?’’

Rue laughed lazily. ‘’The come back of Philosophical Gia.’’

‘’I’m serious Rue!’’ She frowned. ‘’I’m just saying it’s crazy some people are just okay with being so…normal. Just living!’’

Lexi sighed. She hated when people said things like that. There was nothing wrong with being normal.

‘’Not everybody has to be extraordinary,’’ she said. ‘’I think being ordinary is actually the norm so... why worrying about that.’’

The two sisters turned their heads toward her as if they had forgotten she was there.

‘’Thought you were sleeping,’’ Rue said.

‘’Yeah, sorry if we woke you up.’’

‘’I’ve been listening to your conversation.’’ Lexi looked at the two sisters calmly. Did she say something wrong again?

‘’Oh, well.’’ Rue said with a hint of sleep in her voice too. ‘’I think I have to agree with Lex here.’’

Lexi looked at Rue and Rue smiled at her.

‘’I mean… isn’t it sad…’’ Gia continued. ‘’It’s like a wasted life.’’ 

Rue propped her head on her hand and stared down at her sister seriously.

‘’Would you say mom’s life has been wasted?’’

Gia frowned. ‘’No. I wouldn’t, I guess... She has us though.’’

‘’I think you decide what makes you happy. A normal life might make some people happy.’’ Lexi said.

‘’Don’t you have a dream, Lex?’’ Gia asked.

She thought about it. Gia was younger than them, not from a lot, but still. It was common for kids to still dream big. Had she lost her dream as she grew up? 

‘’I don’t think I do. Never did really.’’

She heard Rue laugh loudly. ‘’Now that’s a lie! I remember when we were eight, you wanted to be a dog trainer. Or was it a cat trainer?’’

Lexi laughed too. She did remember that. ‘’It was dogs.’’  She sat up and smiled.

‘’I guess I did. It wasn’t really my dream though, just… something I liked.’’

‘’And what do you like now?’’ Gia asked curiously again.

‘’I’ll probably be a teacher or something.’’ She said seriously. Lexi wasn’t that smart. If she were, well, she would probably try to become a veterinarian. Not that teachers were not smart at all. She thought it was a great way to make a living and it seemed appropriate for someone like her.

Gia nodded. ‘’That’s cool! I think I want to study in the arts...maybe.’’

‘’Of course you will, you love it.’’ Rue smiled at her sister. She turned to Lexi and nodded at her. ‘’Thought you would want to become, like, a veterinarian or something. You love pets so much.’’

Lexi blushed heavily. ‘’Don’t think I could…’’ She looked away on purpose. She didn’t think she could bear another round of that again.

‘’Why not?’’ Rue asked.

‘’My grades…I’m… You know.’’

Rue sat up and stared at Lexi. ‘’Lexi, what are you?’’

‘’Not that smart.’’

Gia sat up too. ‘’Don’t say that!’’

‘’It’s okay, really. Mom said teaching is safer for someone like me, anyway.’’

‘’No offence,’’ Rue said slowly, ‘’But fuck your mom for saying that.’’

Gia gasped and hit her sister on her arm. 

‘’It’s true! What sort of mom says that?’’ she approached Lexi, nudging her sister on her way, and touched her leg. ‘’Lex, for real. Don’t listen to her!’’

Lexi’s eyes widened at Rue’s certitude. 

‘’And your grades? They’re actually good enough…’’

‘’Not that great.’’

‘’Well you can do better. Maybe you’re settling down?’’

Lexi thought she might be doing that. She hadn’t really been studying that much recently.

‘’Don’t listen to your mom, Lex.’’ Rue added. 

‘’I think I will go now,’’ she stood up slowly, disoriented. ‘’It’s really late.’’

Gia put her hand on her arm. ‘’Don’t go, please. We will stop talking about that.’’

‘’It’s late though...’’

Rue stretched her arms and smiled. ‘’Stay over with us? Like when we were little.’’

‘’Common Lex, ‘’ Gia smiled. ‘’As a last birthday gift!’’

‘’There’s not much space on the bed,’’ Lexi tried. ‘’We’re all big now.’’

Rue looked over at the closet where Lexi knew they had an inflatable bed. ‘’I’ll make you a bed, common.’’

*

In the end she stayed over. Of course she did. When it came to the two sisters, Lexi didn’t exactly know how to say no. Maybe she just didn’t know how to say no in general. But it didn’t matter much tonight, she was happy. She was comfortable under the heavy covers Rue had given her and the inflatable bed hadn’t changed since the last time she had used it. It was warm and big. She could almost hear Rue and hers laughter from when they were younger. She could see their sleepovers in her head and smell those summer nights they had shared. It had been so good. 

‘’You sleeping?’’ 

Rue had left the room to make sure the doors were locked a couple minutes ago. Now back, Lexi had thought she would have slept next to her sister who was sleeping in her bed. Maybe Lexi just had to pretend to be asleep. Maybe she would leave her alone for tonight.

‘’No...’’  She never knew how to shut up when it came to Rue. 

‘’Can I come in?’’ Rue asked quietly. ‘’Gia’s sleeping like a log on my bed. And she takes all the  fucking space.’’ she had said it sweetly though, with no malice in her voice.

Lexi extended her arm and lifted the covers up. For a brief moment, she felt the cold air touching her bare legs, but Rue was quick to come inside, the warm cocoon covering them at once. Lexi wondered how long it would take her to feel that way again. She hoped she wouldn’t. Those sleepovers used to be so innocent.

‘’Thanks.’’ Rue made herself comfortable. Not too close, not too far. ‘’Can leave if you want me to?’’

‘’It’s okay,’’ Lexi smiled. ‘’I was thinking of our sleepovers. When we were kids.’’

Rue laughed quietly at her friend.  ‘’You say that all the time. Like a kid… when we were kids…’’

Lexi had never realized that she did.

‘’Aren’t you still a kid?’’

‘’Not really.’’

She saw a curious expression on Rue’s face. ‘’Oh?’’

She could feel herself blush again. It hadn’t taken that long, then.

‘’Jesus, not like that.’’ She  whispered sheepishly. 

‘’Alright, sorry, sorry.’’ Rue laughed. ‘’Like how you have to take care of your addict friend then?’’

Lexi’s expression sombered. When it came to this topic, she never knew the rules. She had never been great at understanding social etiquette but Rue’s addiction and her new found sexuality took the cake. 

‘’Yeah…’’ She admitted.

‘’Sorry, I know I can be such a burden.’’ Rue repeated. She had said that too, at the Halloween party. Even back then it had saddened Lexi. 

‘’You’re not a burden, Rue,’’ she said approaching her friend in what she hoped was a comforting distance.

‘’But I am though.’’

‘You’re not.’’

‘’Please,’’ Rue sighed and closed her eyes. ‘’The number of people who have to take care of my ass. It’s like I’m a goddamn baby.’’

Lexi put her hand on her friend’s shoulder. 

‘’We take care of you because we care for you. Honestly, we want you to get better, that’s why we help.’’

‘’Yeah…’’ she opened one eye lazily and stared at Lexi. ‘’But I know people worry.’’

‘’Well, of course. Doesn’t make you a burden.’’

‘’Does in my book,’’ Rue had opened her eyes and was staring again, her face void of emotion.

Lexi didn’t know what to say. How could she express how she felt? How could she make her understand that she had never considered Rue to be a burden. Rue was Rue. She was struggling now, but she was still the girl they all loved and wanted to help.

‘’Do you feel like taking care of Gia is a burden?’’ Lexi asked.

‘’No. But she’s just a normal teen. She doesn’t fuck up like I do.’’

Lexi looked at Gia’s form, sleeping peacefully. She was rather a regular teen. But it didn’t mean anything.

‘’You’re as worth it as her, even if you’re struggling more.’’

‘’She still left me,’’ Rue said suddenly. She had her head lowered down and was fidgeting a little now.

What should Lexi say? Should she tell her how she had never thought their relationship to be healthy? How at first, Jules did seem to be helping her but slowly, it had felt like she had no more energy to give to Rue? Lexi didn’t hate the other girl, she had so much love for Jules. But the two of them were not good for each other, not right now. As opposed to you? A voice in her head laughed. Of course not. This thing is just my sexual awakening. I don’t like her like that.

‘’Jules would have left regardless, I think. She had a lot on her mind.’’

‘’No, she was happy at first. I did that to her.’’ Rue was frowning.

Lexi scooted closer and hugged her friend. She could still do that, care for her like that. 

‘’Oh, Lex,’’ Rue hugged her back. She moved close to her body and tightened their embrace. ‘’You’ve always been so nice to me, I haven’t always been though.’’

‘’Shhh,’’ Lexi said, caressing her curly hair. ‘’One day you will heal, and it will all be good again.’’

Rue moved away a little and smiled at her. ‘’So cute.’’

Lexi could feel herself blush slowly. She was getting warm again. 

‘’Stop saying that,’’ She told her friend quitely.

‘’It’s true, though. You’re so cute. So sweet.’’

Lexi tried again. ‘’Please, stop,’’ she said with a tiny voice. She looked up again and saw Rue’s confused expression.

‘’Do you not like it when people compliment you?’’

‘’It’s not that,’’ she tried to get away but Rue followed her, as if she were merely stretching her legs.

‘’What is it then?’’ Rue whispered. 

Lexi was always confused about how to talk with others. Most of the time she stayed silent. But with Rue, she had always spoken her mind when it mattered.

‘’My sister thinks I like you. She asked me if I felt sexually attracted to you this morning.’’

Rue’s eyes widened at first but after the initial shock, she grinned. 

‘’Not where I thought this was going.’’

‘’Sorry,’’ Lexi said.  

‘’S’fine... do you?’’ 

Lexi looked away. ‘’Don’t know.’’

Rue nodded awkwardly. Had she done the wrong thing again? Lexi couldn’t tell. Rue had asked, hadn’t she? 

‘’Uh,’’ Rue said, ‘’Cool. I think...’’

‘’Sorry,’’ Lexi repeated. ‘’Fuck, sorry.’’

‘’No, it’s cool...I… definitely get it.’’

Lexi stared. ‘’What do you get?’’

‘’It doesn’t surprise me, I think…’’

There it was again. Lexi was learning that she didn’t really like when people were one step ahead of her when it came to understanding herself. Her mom always did that, she always talked as if she knew who Lexi was better than herself. Cass had done that too, this morning. And now Rue. The worst thing was that often time, they were right. It was only Lexi. She was the one too slow to understand anything in an emotional level.

‘’It doesn’t surprise you.’’ She repeated Rue’s words, maybe a little dryly.

‘’Don’t get mad, Lex. Are you mad?’’

Lexi sighed. ‘’I’m tired of people thinking they know who I am better than I do.’’

Rue stayed quiet for a moment. ‘’Then tell me how you feel?’’

Lexi inhaled and exhaled. She turned properly to face her friend and decided to speak her mind freely, without any filter. 

‘’I’m just so confused,’’ she started. ‘’I feel so weird most of the time, but I don’t want to change if it means faking it...I don’t understand half the things happening around me. I always feel like I’m saying the wrong thing or feeling the wrong thing. Like I used to never feel anything down there,’’ she touched her belly and saw Rue’s eyes following her movement. ‘’Now I feel, uh. I just can’t help myself.’’ She knew she was blushing but she didn’t stop.

‘’I know I’m not, well, I don’t know, I guess… But I did feel attracted to you today, sorry. Fuck. Sorry. I’m...I don’t know. It came out of nowhere. Maybe it passed. But right now it doesn’t feel like it did...Or...’’

She stopped talking and stared at her friend. She knew her cheeks were red, her eyes big and her body agitated. She was about to talk again, apologize probably, but she was cut by Rue slowly approaching her to the point where their heads touched and their breaths mixed together.

‘’I will kiss you now. If it’s okay.’’

Lexi closed her eyes. ‘’You will kill me if you do this.’’

She heard Rue laugh sweetly. ‘’Oh, Lex. If only...you’re so sweet.’’

‘’Please don’t say that,’’ Lexi opened her eyes to frown at her but was immediately met with Rues lips on her own. A peck.

‘’Ah,’’ she opened her lips, confused. 

‘’Not dead, see?’’

She wanted to hit her for that stupid joke, like Gia always hit her sister. She swore she had almost died and it hadn’t even been a real kiss!

‘’I can’t believe you,’’ she breathed. 

‘’I will kiss you properly then,’’ and just like that, Rue took her face in her hands and dragged her on the bed, the covers following her body, slowing her movement, clinging  to their limbs.

Rue kissed her really slowly and patiently. As if she was proving a point, that the kiss could last hours and days and Lexi would still be alive, her heart beating fast, her cheeks red as strawberries and her belly inflamed with desire, but she would still be sharing her breath with Rue’s. It was incredible. They had kissed before, Lexi just remembered, when they were younger. She had felt something similar. She remembered now. It had been sweet and terrifying. Had she always been scared of this feeling until this very moment? How had she forgotten how good this could be, with Rue. Their lips together, their tongues as one. With Rue it was so sweet.

They separated to breathe a little and then,

‘’Rue…’’ She came back for more. She kissed her slowly too and, in between kisses, she straddled Rues’ thighs from under the covers, ready to tangle their lips again. Her body felt so hot on top of Rue’s, but she didn’t mind at all this time. 

‘’My sister,’’ Rue breathed loudly.

‘’I’ll be quiet.’’

‘’I won’t,’’ Rue breathed again.

‘’I’ll make you quiet,’’ Lexi said. She had no idea what came over her. She wasn’t thinking at all, only kissing Rue. Only nipping her lips and kissing her mouth and devouring her tongue… 

‘’God,’’ Rue sighed. ‘’You’re like a different person when you’re hor-’’

She kissed her firmly again. She knew she would feel embarrassed once this was done but this was the feeling she had been searching for her entire life. It felt so good, so sweet, so pure. 

‘’Let’s go in her- in her room.’’ Rue said in between short kisses. 

*

The next morning, Lexi hadn’t felt as bad has she had imagined. After they had spent hours with each other on Gia’s bed, Rue had proposed to go back in her room so as to not raise suspicion and Lexi had agreed. When the time to leave had come, Lexi wasn’t feeling out of place for the first time in a long time... They had talked it over, what it all meant for the both of them. And they had both agreed they would take it slow. It didn’t mean it was nothing, but none of them knew what it was neither. Rue had told her she didn’t want to lose her and she’d do anything to make sure of it. It had made her blush.

Before she left their house, she wished Gia a happy birthday again and said hi to their mom. Rue followed her to the door, suddenly awkwardly. As she opened the door for Lexi, she turned around and looked at her.

‘’You were so sweet yesterday,’’ she smiled.

Lexi stared at her and blushed again. 

‘’I’m not teasing, ‘’ Rue said. ‘’Really.’’

‘Oh, well...thanks. You too.’’

They both stared at each other in silence.

‘’Sorry for being so...weird...yesterday...hum...I couldn’t really think.’’

Rue exploded with laughter and Lexi smiled.

‘’It was hot, Lex. Really hot.’’

‘’Er…’’

‘’We’re cool, right?’’

Lexi nodded. 

‘’Okay,’’ Rue smiled again. ‘’I wanna kiss your cheek now, but might kill you.’’

Lexi punched her arm playfully and kissed her cheek. 

‘’Very good,’’ Rue said. ‘’Well...see you soon.’’

''See you,'' Lexi smiled. 

When Lexi was back home, face on her pillow, reddening from thinking the entire day over and over in her head, she finally admitted to herself that she had feelings for Rue Bennett. And it was alright. They were alright. It was all very easy with her.