Chapter Text
I stared at the diploma in my hands, it was the first paper of many, and my hands shook slightly in the chilly late summer weather outside. I was fresh out of school, graduated just that spring and now, with all my papers in order, I was ready to begin walking down the path of what had been my goal for years. I’d been studying abroad in the US, putting endless hours and more drops of blood, sweat and tears on the concrete floor of the 'Fashion Institute of Technology' than I could count. I nervously chewed on my lip, took a deep breath and entered through the front door. A big lobby opened up before me and a receptionist gave me a big smile. I smiled back and focused on keeping the ice in my stomach. I couldn’t lose my head now.
“I’m here for an interview”
I started and the receptionist nodded, her black hair framed her face and I swallowed my anxiousness as she asked me about my name and the email, I’d gotten a few days after applying, confirming that I had all the qualities that the company searched for. She asked me for my ID-card and my papers that involved a criminal record check, and that I was legal Korean citizen (the other option being that I had a work visa) before she gave me a shiny visitors card that would allow me to go upstairs to the waiting room. I thanked her and followed the signs up a flight of stairs and then took the elevator to the second floor. My heart pounded when I reached the waiting room. It was lit up with natural light from big panorama windows on my right and I gulped while looking over at a large analogue clock on the wall in front of me, my stomach bubbling from so much excitement that it almost felt as if I was going to be sick. Minutes passed and finally a woman in her early thirties approached me, her hand extended as she asked me my name, as you do to make sure that you said hello to the right person. I took her hand and she introduced herself as Chung Eunji and gave me a brilliant smile.
“You’ll be fine, don’t worry” She reassured me and I nodded, grateful for her calm presence as we entered a room with three others, one woman and two men, all of them perfectly dressed and groomed, authority radiated from all three and I swallowed hard before taking a deep breath as I sat down in front of them.
I introduced myself, presented them with my diploma, my photo catalogue and they asked a few questions in return. Things about my private life, why I wanted to work with them specifically and I tried to answer as truthfully as I could, knowing exactly why they brought forward every aspect of my life.
Forty minutes of endless questions passed, and I wet my throat with the water that had been placed in front of me as the four of them paused. They looked at each other and the woman, Eunji nodded, a satisfied smile on her lips. One of the men cleared his throat and drilled his eyes into me and I swallowed as my mouth immediately went dry again.
“I will tell you now so that there won’t be any misconceptions in the future. You will work with a passion pay the first three years; do you understand?” I nodded, knowing fully well what I’d gotten myself into. The salary would be lower than average, and the days would be long, but this is what I dreamed of, “You will work under a head stylist, doing what they say, when they say with no discussions?” I nodded again, rather thankful that someone would guide me through this whole new world, “You will not speak with anyone outside about what is going on within the company, respect your management and the idols working here because your future in the industry depends on the quality of your character and your clients satisfaction?” I nodded again and the man sighed almost tiredly as if he was used to give this lecture at every interview, “Most importantly. As you are hopefully informed of, any sort of involvement, be it romantically or sexually with your designated clients will lead to your immediate termination and your possibilities of growing within the company or any other company will disappear”
I nodded again, determined to not let a boy group put a foot into my career.
…….
I started the very next day and quicker than I realized a week passed, filled with meetings and a tight schedule. I’d been designated a group of eight young men, standing on the tipping point of debuting and every day was filled with wardrobe planning, clothes checking and jewellery making. I worked under the woman who first introduced herself to me, Eunji and I couldn’t be happier. Even amongst the ten to fifteen-hour shifts, catching sleep when I could, be it in a sofa next to my colleagues or in my car because driving home and messing up my apartment was too much of a hassle. Buying food from a local truck instead of making my own and always making sure that I had a bag of clothes and hygiene articles with me every time I left my apartment. It was tough but I loved every minute of it, the busy days and nights and working with a strong team that collectively worked under the same goal; pushing our clients towards the debut.
It was October, just a few days before D-day and I was sewing at my desk. There had been a wardrobe malfunction earlier in the day and my sewing machine had broken down yesterday, which forced me to work the old way. The jacket was a beautiful blood red and I bit my lip with concentration as I sewed hard, making sure that the thread wouldn't unwrap. I was so deep into my own world that I jumped when Eunji peeked her head into my office.
“What are you doing here? Did you forget about the meeting?”
I looked up in horror from what I was doing, glanced over at the clock on my sewing desk and nearly stabbed myself with the needle.
“Let’s go” she said with a scolding voice and I hung my head as I rushed over at her, needle and jacket still in my hands.
It had to be finished and be back on the hanger with the rest of the outfit within the hour and I didn’t have time to stop. I could see a smile tugging or her lips when she noticed that I didn’t abandoned my project and placed a strong hand on my shoulder, so I didn’t walk into things or people while I worked. She took me down a corridor, did a sharp turn, lead me down a flight of stairs and soon we joined up with five of my fellow stylist noonas, all with excited smiles on their faces. The door opened to show a simple meeting room and I looked up surprised when the scraping sound of chairs against the floor echoed among us. An explosive introduction made me take a step back in surprise and my colleague, who’s foot I just stepped on, gave me a sour look. I mouthed an apology before looking straight forward again.
Eight men stood in a half circle around the table and I quickly realized that they were the ones that I’d been working for. My clients who seemed to love breaking everything from simple shirts to unique masterpieces, jewellery that I’d spent hours on, and I had to admit, up to this point, even though I loved my job, the endless cycle of stitching their clothes back together was tiresome. But they had all just been names on a paper up to this point and now somehow, they all became real, with each introduction and me noticing something unique on each of them, like a necklace I’d fixed or a button that I was sure I'd sewed on their clothes. The conversation was rolling as the members and my colleagues talked amongst each other and the buzzing of voices made me zone out as I worked.
“Hey” A sharp voice broke through the laughter that erupted when one of the members, told a joke to my colleagues.
They all froze around me, but I didn't notice, too busy with my needlework until Eunji gave me a sharp shove. I looked up, confused to see them all staring at me until I noticed that the sharp ‘hey’ had come from the CEO. I swallowed and immediately bowed, scared for my life that I’d lose my job.
“What are you doing back there?” He asked and I gulped, not even noticing that I was standing at the back of my group.
My colleagues moved to the side and I held up the red jacket, before bowing again.
“I’m just sewing, Sir. I- I’m sorr-”
“You’re sewing…” The CEO spat out the words with disgust and I gulped, feeling like I had to puke with distress, “On the first official meeting with you clients. You're supposed to get to know each other and there you stand, completely uninterested. How unprofessional, how can you ever imagine that you’ll have a successful career if you can’t even hold a conversation without a needle in your hand, huh?” My body froze and my eyes teared up, but I was so much in shock that I couldn’t even raise my hand up to wipe them off, “Who’s jacket is it? One of your colleagues? Your own?” He stood up, and I opened my mouth but didn’t have the voice to answer. He gave me a few seconds to explain myself, but I couldn’t, and the loud noise when the CEO hand hit the table and him shouting, “Tell me!” that followed didn’t even make me flinch, too paralysed with numbing fear that I just stood there.
“Actually… It’s mine” the man who’d introduced himself as Hongjoong stepped forward and all eyes turned to him.
He gave me an apologetic smile, cheeks flushed with embarrassment, “I ripped the fabric earlier on the dance practice, it needed to be stitched back together as soon as we’re done here. I’m sorry that it caused an inconvenience, but it’s part of the wardrobe for Pirate King…” He trailed off and I could see how the red colour that’d flushed the CEO’s face disappeared, his outraged facial expression fell, and he turned pale of realisation. He looked over at me, mouth open, probably to give me an apology but I only saw him in my peripheral, not able to meet his eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks now and I could feel how my lips pulled up in a smile, more so because it was an imprinted reaction to show off that I was ok, but it didn’t reach my eyes and I backed up behind my colleagues again. Needle still in a death grip in my hand as I started to sew again.
-
Another week passed, the group I was working with had their debut stage and I cheered with them afterward. Happy about the number in the audience, that our hard work paid off. The rest of our evening was free, just to celebrate the success. A rarity that I treasured. Not because I had time to do what I wanted; God knows what I was going to do with that time, but because I was one of those people who needed some time alone to recharge my batteries, so to speak. I wasn’t very outgoing, and with far less hobbies than what might be considered normal. My work was my passion, my drive and I lived to create, to mould and see the appreciation and fascination in people’s eyes when I presented my work. I could care less about what was popular, be it music, books, series and movies. My group of friends was tight but few, most of them older and living in the outskirts of the city, working in offices with families of their own. People that I’d known basically my whole life.
I sighed, as soon as Eunji had peeked her head into my office and told me that I had the rest of my evening off, still deep into a project and had no thought about stopping, planning the wardrobe for the following week. It was more of a mind map, filled with trails of promotion interviews, showcases, stages and everyday looks for the members. It was something that Eunji herself was responsible for, but I guessed that she wouldn’t exactly scold me if I helped her, just a little. My room was dim, and I hummed softly along with the music streaming from my computer, the mind map covering my entire desk when a knock on my door made me flinch from surprise. My brows furrowed, who’d be at the company in this hour? It was after 22:30 and everyone was too busy enjoying their free time, treating themselves for a nice dinner for once or going out to get a drink with friends they haven’t seen in weeks.
“It’s unlocked” I said while turning down the music and my eyebrows rose in surprise when a familiar face peeked out behind the door.
“Hi noona, are you… busy?” Hongjoongs dark eyes twinkled in the soft hue of my desk lamp, a small smile playing on his lips as he looked out over the sheets of papers, covered with pieces of fabrics, photos of the latest runway fashion and pictures of himself and his members and I paused, biting my lower lip. I know how insane I must look, doing work that I didn’t even have to do late at night on the first free hours I’d had since I started. I shook my head,
“No… come in… or stay where you are… whatever you want to do” My heart jumped and I cursed my nervous personality, never being able to form concrete sentences in front of people I didn’t know so well when I was caught off guard.
But Hongjoong didn’t seem bothered as he came in and closed the door. The soft click as it fell in place made me swallow hard and my confused heart thumped in my chest as he sat down in a chair in front of me. He looked so different than how I was used to seeing him. I was often one of the last ones he saw before going on stage, my main work involved a touch up and made sure that the clothes and overall look was perfect. Now, with the oversized clothes, a beanie on the top of his head and a facemask resting over his chin, a can of soda in one hand and a bag of chips in the other, like he decided to drop by just before going back to the dorm, made him seem like a different person and I placed my arms around me, almost like a self-hug, to protect myself from this sudden contrast.
“I… uh…” He placed his snacks on the table, took off the beanie, the dirty blonde hair spilling out and he dragged his fingers through it. It was already raked back as if he’d already done the same motion continuously since they left a few hours ago, “Came to say hi and make sure that you wouldn’t still be here” My brows furrowed and I wondered if I should be offended but he raised his hand and waved it quickly, “No, I mean. I recognize a workaholic when I see one. I just hoped that you’d be out with some nice company. Friends or… a boyfriend or-”
“I don’t have a boyfriend” I interrupted, awkwardly fast and Hongjoong smiled, slightly amused by my determined answer,
“Well, someone to brighten up your evening then”
My head cocked to the side as I looked away and opened my mouth, not sure what to answer besides the obvious fact that the only thing that brighten my evenings right now was his and his members faces just before they were going up on stage. When the fans screamed their names throughout the whole performance and then the feeling I got in my heart when I met their adrenaline pumped eyes afterwards while I dried sweat from their foreheads and fixed their clothes. Hongjoong cleared his throat,
“I also came to tell you that they, the management or whoever makes these kinds of decisions, want you to have a main focus”
I gave him a surprised look and felt how my face flushed red. It was rare that someone as new as me was given the opportunity to concentrate on one member. My heart swelled with pride, usually it was only styling noonas that had been working for at least a year or two that was given this sort of opportunity but I guessed that the situation was different since they were still a fresh group and needed someone who was going to get to know the specific member. Someone who could speak on their behalf when it came to styling, whether it be hair, make-up or clothes. Someone who knew them from inside and out, their preferences and what they’d absolutely refuse to do. Hongjoong scratched his neck awkwardly and he looked down at the table, his leg bounced restlessly, “Well… it’s me. They wanted you to have me. Something about your passion and... I don’t know, they will send you a letter to confirm. I just wanted to… tell you in person I guess” I nodded slowly, still in happy disbelief and Hongjoong nodded back, paused as if he wanted to add something more but instead stood up again, put on the beanie and pulled the face mask over his face, “Have a good night noona”
I replied with something similar but incoherent, the door shut in front of me and I flinched when I realised that he’d left, already missing his company.
…….
November came and the very first day was insane. I ran back and forth, checked with my colleagues to make sure that we had the schedule under control, getting a wardrobe malfunction when I couldn’t find the piece of accessory, a harness, that I desperately needed and broke down crying while I rushed down the corridors because the stage they were going to perform at was MNET and I refused to accept anything but success. After many phone calls and much more searching, I finally found it and returned to the waiting room where the group was designated to hang out until it was their time to perform. I basically stumbled through the door, the harness in my shaking hand and Hongjoong rose up from his half sitting position on the couch, careful not to wake Mingi who was snoozing next to him.
“Hey, are you ok?” He squeezed my shoulder and I nodded quickly and swallowed. I refused to feel sorry for myself when I rubbed the tears from my eyes so I could see properly as I guided his arm between the connected parts and then secured it over his chest, finally taking a deep breath for the first time in minutes when his outfit was assembled. Feeling his heart beat fast under my distracted hand and I realized I kept it there just a little too long. I looked up, his soft brown eyes met mine and I swallowed and removed my hand from his body as if I’d burned myself.
“I’ll see you in thirty minutes, I need to…uh… clean-up”
I clenched my jaw, an apologising smile on my lips as I closed my eyes and left without looking back, rushed into the nearest bathroom and my breath shook as I splashed my face with cold water.
-
The rest of November was filled with fan signings, meetings and promotional stages and we travelled from town to town almost in a hurry, only pausing to properly rest the last night in Busan.
The day had been busy, filled with coordinated steps to make everything, from their arrival- to the check in at the hotel, run as smoothly as it could. It was dark now and we’d all, the whole team, just finished our dinner. The distinguishable smell of salt water, raw fish, seaweed and sand burned in our nostrils and I leaned back against a street sign with my belly full with food, standing on the other side of a stone wall that separated the sidewalk and the beach, my eyes towards the star splattered sky as I took deep breaths, filled my lungs completely with chilly winter air before I exhaled again. A scream interrupted my calm state and I opened my eyes again to see the group I’d come to love, run around like children across the wet sand. I wanted to say something, stop them from getting the sand on their clothes and into their shoes but Eunji placed her hand on my arm as if she was thinking just what I was thinking.
“They deserve it, just let them be boys for a couple of minutes”
-
The thirtieth of November marked the finish line for everything we’d worked for the last 6 weeks and I sighed in the backseat when Hongjoong filmed the road ahead, talked to Atiny through a video camera about the end of their first era. He’d let his hair grow, proudly pronounced that he wanted a mullet the other day and I'd only nodded, because why not. He looked good in it and more importantly, he felt good in it, proudly tugging on the strands of hair while I watched him from behind. His other hand stifling a yawn.
The cold morning turned into a cold day and I shuddered slightly where I stood next to the camera man that recorded their log. Ready to jump in if they needed me. They had heat packs to warm their hands and I thanked Eunji when she handled me one as well, a smile on her face and I returned it, happy to work under someone so considerate.
They played a game and as soon as I saw the word the other members had picked for Hongjoong to not be able to use; I knew he’d lose. They spoke, thanked Atiny and my prediction was right. The surprise on his face was hilarious and I had to bite on my lip to prevent myself from laughing.
“Noona” He complained later when we were back at the company, “Can you help me please?” I gave him a puzzled look and he grabbed an eyeliner from the make-up table nearby, “I lost earlier, remember?
“Ah” the challenge from the fan meeting popped up in my head and I gulped as he stepped into my intimate zone, basically flushing his body against mine before handling me the pen.
“Make me pretty?” He said and fluttered his eyelashes and I couldn’t help it when a small chuckle escaped my lips from his antics.
“I love hearing you laugh” He whispered, eyes meeting mine behind heavy lashes and I inhaled sharply, hoping that he wouldn’t notice that my heart picked up in speed.
…….
December was quiet. It felt like I could breathe again with a schedule that wasn’t as full. Most of it just preparations for their comeback in the middle of January. They had a photoshoot and there was a small interview where the main question was what they wanted and hoped to do in 2019. But other than that, silence. I’d been working non-stop like I usually did though, but at a much slower pace, enjoying the time I could put on my projects, instead of just stressing out a product. I had taken baby steps with my new role as a personal stylist so far. Simply just designing the clothes or putting together outfits, some perfectly fine as they were and some, I had to do alterations on. I was thankful, it was scary sometimes, because people depended so much on me to take care of Hongjoong’s entire wardrobe and I’d never done anything similar before. I was a designer, I knew fabrics, colours, what was it in the fashion industry and Hongjoong’s style was unique, different than what I usually worked with. But he helped me a lot. Spending time with me in his studio and teaching me what he liked and what he absolutely refused, gave me inspiration to create new items, new accessory and I enjoyed simply spending time with him, eating take-out together and dreaming about the future. Listening to him talk about his passions, the music he created, the lyrics he wrote. His eyes bright and laugh even brighter, a cute flush on the tips of his ears as he spoke, dressed in clothes two sizes too big, and with that dark blonde hair, that I more and more often came to wonder the softness of, in a mess, often covered by a beanie or a cap. Soft pink lips tugged up into a smile whenever I spoke, a gentle look on his face, and I felt special, like he actually listened and didn’t just hear what I said, like I was the only one who mattered whenever we spoke.
..
I enjoyed the first days, took the proper time to revel in my free time in my apartment but soon enough I missed the days when I didn’t have to think about what I should do next, the days that passed in a blink of an eye and I almost hated to admit that I missed it. My friends told me that I should just enjoy it while it lasts. To load my batteries for the next comeback so to speak. But I was restless, went back to my office more often at the end of the first week, bored out of my mind as the days passed in a haze, both checked and double checked with Eunji if there was anything else I could do but she just repeated what my friends said.
“You will regret complaining in three weeks when you’ve been working on your feet for fourteen hours straight without a proper meal in your stomach”
I sighed and my fingers itched for something to do. I started another project, just after I finished another, pulled ideas from the fashion I saw around me and implementing whatever Hongjoong had told me. Creating new jewellery and mended clothes to make sure that nothing threatened to break.
I guess I knew but didn’t want to admit that I was lonely. I had daily contact with my mom and siblings back home, but I missed seeing more people I recognized, coming from a small town to living in a big city. I saw my friends every other week or so and even though I appreciated it, they were busy with their own lives, and usually the time we spent together ended up just being one or two hours, hasty trying to catch up over brunch or coffee and I dreaded to go home to my empty apartment. My bed was cold to sleep in, my fridge almost always empty and the walls closed in on me every time I locked the front door behind me.
..
I sighed as I watched time tick by on the clock at my desk, my fingers tapped restlessly over the piece of fabric I was fixing. A button had popped on one of Hongjoong’s shirts and I’d promised to fix it, half out of kindness and half out of boredom, even though it was one that wasn’t part of the stage wardrobe. I did some paperwork as well, finished some accessories I’d worked on and collected my things as the clock struck 23:00. I locked my office door behind me and then walked to one of the studios at the other side of the building, hoping that Hongjoong followed the familiar pattern he always did when he didn’t have anything else to do as well.
I knocked on the door, shirt in my hand and only a few seconds passed before a sleepy figure opened the door, “Hi” he said, rubbed his eyes before he yawned, stretched his arms over his head and I smiled at him,
“I’m finished with your shirt” I said and handled it to him, a confused wrinkle between his brows, looking a bit lost but he grabbed the shirt, looked at it, remembered with a nod and then thanked me before he stood aside to invite me in and sat down on the chair at the desk again.
I closed the door behind me, leaned against it as I watched him tip the chair back, legs curled up against his chest and he removed the cap he wore and aggressively rubbed his face with his hands as if he could remove the tired state he was in with the motion. The room was full of empty cans of soda, take-away carton boxes and snack packages and it looked as if he’d lived in the studio as much as I’d lived in my office these last days.
“You have a hard time letting it go too, huh?” I asked and he gave me a surprised look, “I mean, I do too. I miss it, the rush, having something to do every day. You with your performance and me making sure that you look amazing doing so”
He met my eyes and chuckled, “Something like that, yeah… " He hid his hands into the cuffs of his sleeve like he was frozen and stifled a big yawn. "I could’ve taken the first days off, most of the songs are already mixed, recorded and just waiting to get a voice over them but instead of going home and relaxing-”
“You’re here, sulking away, fingers itchy, your heart speeding and head in the clouds?” I interrupted and he bit his lip, nodding slowly, looking at me like he didn’t just see me but rather through me, for the first time. Like he recognized that we were two sides of the same coin. A mutual understanding blossomed between us and he tapped on his leg, restlessly as I looked away, nervously swallowing down the feeling of butterflies exploding in my stomach.
“I… need to go” I mumbled, and he sat up, a bit too quick.
“Why?” he asked as I placed my hand on the door handle and my heart skipped at the ache in his voice, like he didn’t want me to leave.
“Go home Joongie, your members need you. They miss their leader”
His jaw tensed up as he paused, and I knew that my words hurt him. He was already self-conscious of how much time he spent away from them, hiding in the safety of his loneliness rather than taking a step back and celebrating the completion of their first era with the people that was as close to him as his family.
“I want you to stay… ” he said, almost a whisper, like he didn’t really wanted me to hear but couldn't stop himself from speaking the words either and I felt my stomach jump as I opened the door and walked out, not allowing myself to stay any longer.