Work Text:
I am a whole person. I exist in my friends’ eyes as a loving, caring, and loyal person, a vessel to project onto and spit out motivation and advice. I exist when I am needed and lie in wait when I am not. Parties and brunches and parked-car conversations. They see me when I am happy and when I am not, when I want to lie in the cold ground and be absorbed by the earth. They smile and laugh and appreciate the ability to sympathize. I make them good people. They make me good when I exist. I am a whole person.
I exist to my mother when she needs support. When she is overwhelmed and feels underappreciated. I take on some of the load. She projects her stress and her worries and I take them in, nurture them, and send them back out as love and peace. She is happy when I exist to take her pain away. To tell her that it is not her, it is everyone around her. I am a star that sends out warmth and comfort while burning up inside. I exist when things go wrong in her life, I am wrong, I was never supposed to be here and all I have done is make a mess. I tell her that I am sorry that I exist when she needs me. I am sorry. I am a whole person.
I exist to my teachers as a model student, calm and collected, naturally gifted. I don’t cause a fuss and I don’t say a word. I am perfect. I exist to them when they are questioning their choices, when they need the reassurance that they are good at what they do. I tell them it is not them, it is the students, unprepared and uncaring. I exist to my teachers when they are stressed. I absorb their concerns and project cool assurance. I am strong, I am smart, I understand. I am falling apart. I am stressed. But it is not their fault, I am simply a mess. I am a whole person.
I exist to my boss as a means to an end. I exist when they need me, I exist to do work, I exist to please them and make them money. I exist when they are frustrated, when they are scared, when they may lose their job. I take in their anger and project safety. It is my fault, I did not get that in on time, you are good at what you do. I exist when they get yelled at, I exist when they dole out praise. I am a good worker, I am dedicated, I am dying inside. I am a whole person.
I exist to my dogs as a caretaker, a friend, a protector. I give them food and shelter and they give me love and protection. We mutually exist to please each other. They depend on me to survive and I depend on them to love. To them, I am good. I exist to them as a good-natured giant, even the few times I discipline them. I am loved, they are loved. I am a whole person.
I exist on my own in a darkened room when I view all my pieces and perceptions. I exist when I question who I am and what my purpose is. I exist when I am being pulled on to be supportive, to be kind, to give advice, to talk people off the edge. I exist when I am needed. I exist to take others’ pain. I exist to show them love and to receive it in return. I am full of hatred and fear and stress and worry. Not all of it is mine. I cannot find mine. Does it exist? I cannot be sure. I am a vessel. I am broken. I am shattered. I am a good friend. I am a good child. I am a good student. I am a good worker. I am a good parent. I do not cause a fuss. I support and reassure. I remind others that they are whole. I remind others that they are good. I am empty and full, I am happy and sad, I am a galaxy. I am a whole person. I am.
I promise.