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When she became an edel, Michiru heard people call Mahiru a dark horse, someone to keep an eye on, someone unexpected to claim a crown. Of course, they would think like that, they all thought of her a fool when she came to high school with nothing but a kind face and a scholarship. They were all fools to underestimate her, to jeer when they watched her struggle at the beginning. Now they're paying the price, the girl has taken a spot of an edel, the Frau Perle to be exact and they all have to bite back their frustration and respect her for what she is. A brilliant stage girl.
Michiru never thought of her like this, especially when Mahiru talked to her before in their first year of high school. After all, when you catch the eye of a board member and they offer free schooling just so that none of the other schools got her it must mean something. That's not counting the various baton competition she has under her belt. Back then, Michiru thought of her to be interesting, unique.
Unlike the others, Mahiru didn't dream of fighting for the very top, which is probably why they all mocked her before for not having the same fierceness as they all did. Why would you be in Seigfeld if you didn't want to be the very top of the school? Her reasoning was something that Michiru would always remember.
"The star at the very top would still shine bright, even from a different angle. It doesn't need to shine alone."
At first, Michiru thought she was talking about two leads, two stars at the front. A notion she threw away for the sake of Akira when Michiru decided to grow up. She thought of her as naive for a second, only to realise that Mahiru only spoke of compassion, of support. She dreams not to fight the star but to nurture it by its side, to make it glow even more with its brilliance. Michiru never realised how comforting it was... to have someone else voice your thoughts and think the same thing as you did.
Now Michiru lies wide awake in her room, staring at a dark ceiling, only picturing Mahiru's face every time she closes her eyes. Those who called Mahiru a dark horse were right, but all for the wrong reasons. Mahiru was never supposed to mean this much to her, she never was supposed to form this sort of threat to her sanity. She expected her to attack with a mace in the revues, never in the comfort of her bed with a soft smile and an imaginary kiss so real that it haunts her and leaves her hungry for the real deal.
Mahiru is an anchor, yet one that is a double-sided blade. She grounds Michiru to the present, offering small shelters of relief and peace but she also makes Michiru sink and drown under the waves. Except Michiru doesn't mind sinking when it's into Mahiru's strong stable arms. Michiru can feel her resolve wavering under her kind gaze, she can feel her ideas and goals flicker if only for a second when Mahiru smiles and her foolish heart skips a beat.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. But that doesn't stop Michiru from falling, even when it scares her.
Work was something Michiru was good at, work meant she wasn't getting distracted. It's something she had to do for herself, to make sure she was on track of things. Besides, there was a little more work available since everyone was being more busy, being in relationships and everything. Not that Michiru minded, as long as their love lives remained separate from the stage she would gladly give them her blessings. Besides, she liked seeing her stars be happy, it made their acting brilliance shine brighter.
"You're working too hard again," Akira commented next to her as she finished her pile of work. Michiru glanced at her before finishing the current paper in front of her. "Normally I wouldn't worry about it, but considering that this is happening more often as of late, I should be concerned."
"You have nothing to be concerned about Akira," Michiru sighed. "This is nothing for me."
"That's even more reason why I am concerned Michiru, the fact that it's nothing means you might not know when to stop."
Michiru rolled her eyes and leaned away from the desk, her glare met Akira and it only intensified when Akira didn't react as she did before. Seeing the change, Michiru crossed her arms against her chest. "Please don't mistake me for an idiot Akira, I know when to stop."
"I would never mistake you for that," Akira assured, her eyes still on Michiru. "But still, I am just worried that it would become a pattern."
"It won't be a pattern if people did their job more," Michiru muttered bitterly before eyes closed with a sigh, a hand to her forehead. She didn't mean to sound like that but it slipped before her filter can stop it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
"I know." A silent passed between them before Akira ended it with a cough. "Anyways, I'm going to suggest something you might not want to hear but should hear regardless."
Michiru stayed quiet, her eyes staring into Akira's with a thin-lipped frown. "Go on…"
"Rely on Mahiru more."
On the surface, the suggestion is innocent and supportive enough, beyond that there was an underlying message that only Michiru understood. Which why whilst her heart increased its pace, her blood boiled just a bit. Rely on Mahiru, that meant one thing in Akira talk: open up to her, be vulnerable, let her in.
It's helpful enough and she can't deny the small part of her that wanted it (and oh how she wanted it). But she knew she can't let it happen, Akira knew that she can't let that happen. That's why she's a little angry. There's nothing more maddening than having your best friend wave a wish in front of you that you know you can't obtain.
"For your sake, I'm going to read that message on a surface level," Michiru hissed stiffly. "Just because you're in cahoots with Aruru doesn't mean you're capable enough to give me advice about this."
Akira nodded expectantly at Michiru, not daring to call out the small slight of truth that Michiru saw her relationship with Mahiru the same way Akira saw hers with Aruru, romantic. The fact that she didn't notice the small slip just showed her how much she is trying to avoid it. Akira is aware that her friend is stubborn and that despite her help before with Aruru, Michiru isn't as savvy about relationships like Akira is, she prioritised work over other things after all.
But that's why Mahiru works so well for her. Mahiru can wait, Mahiru is understanding and when push comes to shove, Mahiru has a mace to knock her walls down. "For your own sake," Akira mentioned quietly, like an almost but not offhand comment. "I hope you remember that it's okay to get the things you want."
Without another word Akira left the room and Michiru watched her go, grip tight around her pen, face unreadable, the words haunting her so loud that she blocked it all out and worked. There's always so much work to do, there are always so many things to distract her.
Michiru doesn't remember how long she's been sitting there, on the chair, reading and putting away files. Normally she would be done by now but the lingering words that Akira said to her kept on repeating like an on loop track distracted her. Yet it wasn't the last part of her words but the former.
"For your own sake."
Michiru's not surprised that after dating a girl who laughs too much that Akira would develop a sense of humour. For her own sake, she should remember that she could get the things she wanted. What a joke. Michiru was already aware that she could get the things she wanted, she's aware that being selfish is something human. She certainly was selfish for making Akira her main star. After all, it's not helping anyone else, is it? Not to mention her ruthless competitive side that comes with board games, she's being selfish for wanting to win all the time, isn't she? Michiru was selfish when she wanted to be so Akira was a laughable fool for believing that she isn't.
Then a small voice creeps up in the back of her head, it challenged her very belief. It reminded her that her acts of selfishness do nothing for her directly, that it's all for Akira or the stage. It told her of how she gave up the dream to be Frau platin back on the playground because she saw that Akira would shine better. It reminded her that wanting Mahiru has nothing to do with the stage, it asked her a question one that Michiru found no answer. "If you think you're being selfish then why don't you indulge in what you really want?"
It's not a crime to want. Michiru knows this, but she knew she can't have what she wanted. She won't throw away Akira's dream, her dream away for some recent desire and have it ruin the plans she worked hard to create. For it is one thing to want, but it is an entirely different thing to have it ruin you. And Mahiru will ruin her. She knows this because Michiru will let her before she's even aware of it.
There is a knock on the door, it goes twice in a gentle thud. Michiru takes a deep breath just as someone asks for her name. "Michiru chan?" As Michiru expected, Mahiru popped up from the open gap of the door. "Akira san said that you would be here."
"Of course she would," Michiru grumbled to herself before finishing the paper she's on and sits up. "Do you need me for something Mahiru?"
"Uh well," Mahiru began as she fully lets herself in, the door shutting behind her softly. She played with her hand, showing the insecure side that Michiru knew all too well. It's funny to think about how one girl who wouldn't be afraid to stare down Akira for her thoughts regarding Fumi's departure could be so shy. Then again, Shiori always said that horses are gentle creatures even when they have the ferocity to stamp a man to the ground. "It might seem silly but you weren't answering my messages so I decided to check up on you."
Michiru glanced at her phone, a sound leaving her lips as she noticed the time and the messages that Mahiru did send to her. "I'm sorry about that Mahiru," Michiru said before looking up at her. "I didn't intend to stay this long."
"That's fine," Mahiru smiled before it quickly falls as Michiru finished her sentence.
"However, there is another club whose forms need to be filled in so if you bear with me I won't take too long."
"Michiru chan," Mahiru warned. The familiar strength that Mahiru has shown yet again. Even knowing that it's directed at her, Michiru can't help but appreciate it. She remembered how most people thought the draconian fires of Seigfeld will burn or melt the seemingly naive scholarship girl. They thought wrong. It just turned her iron will to steel. "There's time to stop and there is time to continue."
"I'm aware of that," Michiru answered back, shaking her head to get her admiration of Mahiru out of her way. "However, these documents need to be handed out before tomorrow's meetings with the other club leaders and I would not sully the Edel's reputation if they're late."
"The meeting is around 8:30 am right? I'll work on it in the morning and then all you have to do is sign your approval," Mahiru suggested within a beat. Michiru stayed quiet, it was a good idea but her pride would not allow it, or at least the part that doesn't want to listen to Akira's advice to rely on Mahiru more. "Michiru chan?"
"Fine," Michiru sighed, knowing that she won't win against Mahiru. Also if she were to hinder herself because of pride she would be a fool.
With a sigh and a mental chiding to herself for various reasons, for letting it become this late, for letting herself be swayed, Michiru stopped doing paperwork and stepped out of the desk. Only to stumble against her feet steps later, her head filled with a sudden dizzying light. She caught herself, of course, she wouldn't be an Edel if she did but the fact that it happened in the first place rang alarm bells.
"Michiru chan!?" Mahiru said in a worried voice, the volume rising a bit from worry.
Michiru waved her off, eyes narrowing in disgust, not at Mahiru of course but herself. How dare she make such an amateur mistake, how dare she let herself become like this. "I'm fine," she said as she waited for the dizzying lights to leave. It takes a second but the moment it's gone she took another step. An even stronger spell forced her to sit down against the wall. "I'm—"
"Don't lie to me again Michiru," Mahiru warned, the honorific gone in her disappointment. When Michiru looked up, she sees Mahiru already bending down to her level, a bottle of water in her hand. Their eyes meet and Michiru can see the steeled fury in Mahiru's eyes soften. "Now, are you okay, Michiru chan? You're not usually like this."
Michiru took the drink. She chugged it down slowly, allowing herself time to create the right answer. Something both honest yet not, she doesn't want to worry Mahiru more than she already has. Yet she also doesn't want to distract herself further. She was in an idiot for putting herself in this predicament. She would never let this happen again, she had already learnt the full price of her mistake.
"I—" Michiru began as she looked up, and oh what a fool she is to look up. The subtly crafted answer crumbled under Mahiru's honest genuine gaze. Something warm dried the roof of Michiru's mouth and she looked away, down at her feet. Her body shivered from the warmth and it shivered more as words tumbled out before she could stop it. "I had a lot to think about."
Ideally, Michiru should be glad that whatever spilt was as vague as her crafted answer was supposed to be. Yet right now Michiru feels raw, naked even. Maybe it's because Mahiru found her at a moment of weakness. Maybe because the last time Michiru said these things and be the smallest hint of vulnerable was before she had to grow up and be someone Akira depended on. Maybe... because it's Mahiru… no, it shouldn't be. Even if it was, Michiru refused to acknowledge it. She's been distracted for far too long and this is the consequence of it all.
"You work too hard sometimes Michiru chan," Mahiru whispered, snapping Michiru back to the moment. "You need to take a break sometimes."
"I'm aware of that Mahiru," Michiru answered as she looked into Mahiru's eyes, "Believe me this won't happen again."
"I know," Mahiru smiled with a gentleness and a trust so strong it makes Michiru scared if she were to ever break it. Mahiru rose to her feet and held a hand out for Michiru to take. "But my statement still stands."
The question of "which part?" echoed in Michiru's head but the thought to voice it shuts up as she took Mahiru's hands pulling herself up. Despite the water, her brain thought she still stood up too fast and her hands clutched to Mahiru's arms for support as another, albeit weaker spell attacked her.
"You haven't eaten anything during your work did you?" Mahiru asked. Michiru, with a reluctant sigh nods her head, too ashamed of herself to look Mahiru in the eye. Mahiru doesn't press further however, something Michiru is grateful for. "You think you can walk back to the dorms?"
"If I say no, you're going to suggest to carry me, aren't you?" Michiru asked instead, looking up to see Mahiru give her a nervous grin.
"I know you don't like it but I'm really worried about you Michiru chan," Mahiru hastily explained. "And don't worry I think most people at school are gone now so no one would see—"
Michiru placed a finger against Mahiru's lips to hush her, something she didn't realise she did until the action already happened. She doesn't show her surprise though, just mentally tucking the new information away. If she's too close to Mahiru, she'll have blind spots and not realise actions until they're already done, just another thing for Michiru to watch out for.
Seeing that she got Mahiru's attention, Michiru ignored the red in Mahiru's cheeks and pulled her finger away. "You can carry me on your back," she said calmly, ignoring how her heart rate increased. "I'm aware that it won't be good for me to walk, so you can carry me on your back."
"Like a piggyback ride?" Mahiru sputtered out, surprised at the turn of events and Michiru's willingness.
Michiru coughed into her hand, eyes closed in hopes it would make the subtle warmth on her cheeks disappear. It doesn't. "Yes," she admitted tersely. "You can give me a piggyback ride."
Mahiru tried not to giggle but a big smile broke the second she turned around and crouched down so that Michiru can get on her back. Without a word, Michiru climbed on her back and looped her arms around Mahiru's neck. Once Michiru has a secure grip, Mahiru stood up. Michiru regretted her decision to be carried on Mahiru's back the second Mahiru stood up, holding Michiru's legs around her waist with her hands.
It was clear that in her effort to avoid the mess that would happen if Mahiru would bridal carry her, Michiru forgot that Mahiru's hands would hold onto the back of her legs to support her. The fact that her face was against Mahiru's hair, lips close to the nape of her neck doesn't help either (even though that was something she was prepared for).
"You okay back there Michiru chan?"
"Yeah," Michiru managed to say, trying very hard not to break her composure as she laid her head sidewards against Mahiru's back. The only silver lining out of all of this is the fact that Mahiru can't see how flushed Michiru's face is. "You can start walking now Mahiru." Mahiru hummed in agreement and started to walk.
"You're surprisingly strong Mahiru," Michiru said amongst the comfortable silence after her heart rate goes down enough, her blush as well also gone.
"Oh this is nothing Michiru san," Mahiru grinned, pride evident in her voice. "This kinda reminds me of when—"
Michiru shifted her head, curiosity all over her eyes as she looked at the back of Mahiru's head, watching how the small side ponytails bobbed. It's kinda cute. She erased that thought within a heartbeat. "Of when?"
"I carried sacks of potatoes over my shoulder at my farm."
"Really?" Michiru grinned with an arched brow even if Mahiru won't see it. "Little old me reminds you of a sack of potatoes."
"Well... the other one was my little brother..."
Michiru rolled her eyes at the comparison to a child. It's not the first time it happened in regards to her height and no matter how much she prays, she knew it won't be the last. "A sack of potatoes it is."
"Don't worry Michiru chan," Mahiru chuckled, her head turned slightly so that their eyes can briefly meet. "You're a great sack of potatoes it is."
"Is that so?" Michiru hummed in amusement. "How much would I sell for in the market?"
"Nothing."
"Hey but you said—"
"That's because you're priceless Michiru chan," Mahiru said in a delicate whisper, in a volume only for Michiru to hear and her alone. "Sometimes when the crop is too good it's invaluable to sell or else the price will be an injustice. You're invaluable to seigfeld, to me— and the edels."
Normally Michiru would catch the sudden cover-up easily and bring it up to the conversation, yet at this moment she remained silent. It's these moments that would replay in the middle of the night, the quiet peace that threatened to drown her in this influx of feelings and the conflict within herself. Mahiru is a luxury Michiru can't afford to have, but every time it becomes in reach it becomes so much harder to let it slip away.
"So please…" Mahiru whispered again, this time Michiru just caught the small hint of worry in her words, the silent desperation she's trying hard to suppress. A part of guilt worms it's way to Michiru's heart knowing Mahiru isn't showing her worry for her sake. "Try not to overwork yourself again. I know you have a lot on your mind and I know I probably won't understand much of it but if I can help just a little bit, that would be enough for me."
Michiru swallowed hard. She looked around only to realise that they're standing still. Michiru can vaguely see Mahiru's expression on the window reflection but it's hard to make out any specific expressions against the setting sun. She knew though, that if she stays quiet, Mahiru will just continue to walk and this conversation wouldn't be brought up again. The many thoughts in her head are telling her to keep quiet but one voice spoke louder than the rest.
"Rely on Mahiru more."
"For your own sake, I hope you remember that it's okay to get the things you want."
"I… I'll be in your care then." Never had a sentence be so hard to say, not since vulnerability became something Michiru learnt to hide away to look and be stronger. But Michiru knew she made the right choice. Mahiru's body under her relaxed from tension and when she continued to walk there is a slight bounce. A sense of pride washed over Michiru as she smiled against the collar of Mahiru's blazer.
If the past self would see her now, she would be appalled, maybe disgusted at her disregard to put the stage and the stars above everything else. But then again, the past never had someone like Mahiru as an edel before. Someone who was an anchor, a fighter, a gentle breeze that calmed all those around her, a light that shines with so much brightness it made someone like Michiru fall for her.