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Edelgard has run herself ragged, much to her own displeasure. It had been a week since the news of Arhianrod’s destruction. The aftermath had taken a toll on her, both mentally and physically. She could not bring herself to eat much of anything, for it took up time she could be using for something productive, like training or checking battle plans. Discomfort brought on by hunger was nothing in the grand scheme of things. Miniscule, when compared to the great tragedy that had just taken place. Injuries she had sustained in the battle before were yet to heal completely; The ghost of bruised ribs paid her a visit every now and again. If the slow healing was due to her nearly constant state of wakefulness, she did not know; She feels the dark circles that have grown under her eyes and only assumes that her lack of sleep is a factor.
Even so, she could not slow down one bit. Each passing day brought on what felt like a hundred new things that needed her attention. A general with a new report on the main army, a messenger with an update of the ever-growing death toll, letters from nobles troubled by the plight of their war-torn land. It was a heavy load to carry alone, and Edelgard felt that if she stopped to rest, the weight of all she had done in the last five years would crush her.
Even now, nose deep in letters, her burdens grow heavier with each word she reads. She sits in her chambers, all but chained to her desk. It is late, and she should be asleep by now, but here she is, surrounded by neat stacks of paperwork, armed with an oil lamp and a black feather quill. She pulls a letter from the pile and opens it up. Her heart that she had thought to have steeled just a little, starts to break as she begins to read.
The letter entails the destruction of a fishing hamlet on the northwestern coast, a border town, caught in the crossfire between Empire and Kingdom forces. Bellmare, it was called, home to a few hundred people: four hundred and thirty seven exactly. The report states that as of now the population of the hamlet was just over two hundred, although the search for survivors was ongoing. Half of an entire town, completely gone, just like that. Her heart clenches. Bad news was normal during wartime, but something about this report hit her harder than usual. What of the families who lived there? What of its people, the ones who gave the place life and purpose and meaning? Children left parentless, mothers and fathers left childless, friends and lovers forever separated by the boundaries of life and death. Loss was a horrible feeling, one she knew all too well. This war, her war had cost so many lives. In the end, all the sacrifices will have been worth it, but the people of Bellmare were civilians- they had no say in the fate that befell them. Such destruction in a small place like Bellmare would surely spell its end. It was another Arianrhod.
As she continues to read, the exhaustion in her body and the pain in her heart becomes harder to ignore, and she clenches her teeth to try and hold herself together. The investigation had not yet been finished, but most of the buildings had been burned in a fire supposedly started by enemy forces. Manpower, supplies, and medical aid were being requested at once to aid the people and help bring the perpetrators to justice. Edelgard sets the letter down, rests her head in her hands, and thinks. She would not let these people suffer, not when she could do something about it. Bellmare was a good distance from the base at Garreg Mach, and even further away from Enbarr. She could see if any of the captains and generals could spare soldiers from the forts closer to the coast, as they would be able to arrive faster than if she sent them from anywhere else. Supplies would be a bit tougher to pin down, as the letter was not specific with what was needed. Perhaps she’d arrange for a general supply shipment, and then send a message to further inquire the specifics. She reaches for a blank sheet of parchment and dips her quill into the inkwell to write a response to Bellmare’s guard captain.
A thousand thoughts run through her mind but nothing comes down onto the page. Her head begins to throb and her fatigued eyes burn. She becomes hyper-aware of the shadows beneath them and groans in frustration. Not even writing a reply could be easy for her today, could it? She sits in her frustration, desperately trying to overcome it, to think, but nothing happens and the unsavory feelings within her only grow hotter. She is glad she is alone, because she doesn’t think she could do anything to hide her emotions on top of everything else at this point. Her brows knit together tightly as she stares down at the blank page. The events at Bellmare… Such a waste of life. Surely she could think of something to say, something that could reassure the survivors that they had not been forgotten, that the senseless destruction of their home would not go unavenged? She attempts to gather the right words, to form a statement worth something, but what does one say to those who have lost everything? She had done it in her speech for the victims of the Fortress City, so surely she could come up with something to say for the victims of this hamlet. Her feelings and thoughts merge together, and sorrow is drawn from her heart like water from a deep well, but nothing comes down onto the page. She holds her quill at the ready, and her headache grows worse with the intensity of her thoughts. A spot of black ink drips off of her quill and onto the middle of the white sheet of paper. She stares at it for a split second before crumpling it into a ball. The paper is tossed aside without an afterthought.
Edelgard gets up from her desk and sits down on her bed, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. They remain jumbled inside her head, and the physical discomfort she had felt before only skyrockets. She grabs one of her pillows and squeezes it to help ease her frustration. The soft cushion yields to her strength and the corner she has latched onto flattens beneath her palm. She repeats this action, but it offers no satisfaction. She holds it up to her face to try and scream out her anger. It does in fact, make her feel a bit satisfied, but the unpleasant feelings of anger and frustration morph into something else, something heavier and more exhausting. She sits stewing in her thoughts.
If she could not come up with a reply to help her people that needed her, then what good was she as a leader? Pathetic. How could she call herself the emperor if she could not come up with a solution to the Empire’s problems? Unworthy. How could she be expected to command the armies that would bring about the future of Fodlan if she could not just sit down and write one more damned letter? Weak. All these thoughts hit her at once, like a wolf snatching up unsuspecting prey. It’s teeth sink into her neck and it feels as if she cannot breathe. There was no more avoiding these feelings she had held off for weeks on end; Edelgard had fallen victim to a trap that she had unwittingly set. Her skin itches and she desperately wishes she could tear it from her bones to make it stop. The sensation is so uncomfortable that it reignites her anger, and before she is aware of it, hot tears run down her cheeks. She does everything she can to make the tears cease, but her efforts are fruitless and they flow like rivulets. After a few moments, they start to subside. She does not feel any better, and she knows this flood of emotions has been caused by her fatigue.
A knock on the door causes Edelgard to startle. She immediately rubs at her eyes, trying to compose herself. She feels like a sponge, re-absorbing all those negative feelings and putting them on hold once more.
“Yes?” She calls out, her voice a bit strained. Anyone visiting her at this hour would need a good reason. Worry spikes inside her chest and her emotions threaten to spill over once again. She hoped with all her being that nothing terrible had happened.
“El, it’s me. Is this a good time?” Byleth’s gentle voice sounds from the other side of the door, and Edelgard feels a wave of relief wash over her like cool water. After bouncing back and forth between equally intense emotional states, she was glad Byleth had knocked on her door and not Hubert. He was a dear friend, but he was also her right hand. A visit from him at this hour would mean that her attention was needed for urgent Imperial affairs, and that was not something she could deal with at the moment. With Byleth, it meant nothing of the sort, but still, she wondered what brought her here so late in the night.
“Just a moment.” Edelgard replies. She pads across her room and fetches a silken red robe, quickly putting it on and tying it over the white of her nightgown. She takes a deep breath in a last ditch effort to gain a semblance of normalcy before opening the door. Byleth stands before her with a book in her hand, dressed in what Edelgard assumed to be her sleepwear, an open-chested shirt and a pair of shorts that ended above her knee. Edelgard does her best not to stare. Her eyes look tired, but she gives Edelgard a smile that is reminiscent of the morning sun, gentle and refreshing. Edelgard’s heart melts a little and she is almost able to forget the turmoil she has been slogging through all night. Almost.
“My teacher, please come in.” She steps out of the doorway and opens it a bit wider for Byleth to step through.
Byleth steps through the threshold and stands casually beside Edelgard’s desk as the other girl quietly shuts the door. She presents her with the thick leather-bound tome she had been holding onto, smiling once more. “You left one of your books down in the dining hall. I was going to return it in the morning, but I had a feeling you were still awake.”
Edelgard gently takes the book from Byleth’s hand and hums. “Your hunches are frightfully accurate. How are you always right about these kinds of things?”
Byleth pulls her into a gentle embrace and places a soft kiss upon her forehead. “Because I know you.”
Edelgard feels a rush of warmth in her chest at the show of affection and leans into her touch. Their newly evolved relationship felt natural, as if they were two halves of a greater whole that had finally been put together. Aside from making the depth of their feelings known, not much between them had changed. They were open with their affection towards each other, but only away from prying eyes. There had been stolen kisses and embraces and looks of longing and sweetness in between those moments, but they still remained the same people as before. Edelgard still put her duty above all else, and Byleth remained at her side along the dangerous path she tread, loyal as ever.
“There is much to do." Edelgard says tiredly. She pulls away and sets the book down on her desk beside the papers, and returns to her bed, taking a seat at the edge.
Byleth’s eyes follow her. “That’s why I brought your book to you now instead of in the morning. It’s one less thing you will have to deal with.”
Edelgard nods. “Thank you, my teacher. That means a lot to me.”
Byleth’s lips quirk upwards in a crooked, teasing smile, “You don’t have to call me that, you know. It’s rather lonely being referred to by a title, let alone one I no longer possess.”
Edelgard blinks. That was something she could relate to, and she hoped Byleth knew that she did not exclusively see her in that light, “My apologies. I hope this hasn’t been offensive in any way.”
Byleth shakes her head, “I am not offended. I just hope you are comfortable enough around me to call me by my name.”
“I am the most comfortable when you are around. Again, it’s really just a tough habit to break my- Byleth.” Edelgard blushes furiously and clears her throat. She gestures to the open space beside her on the bed, “Er, you can sit down if you’d like. Or was that all you needed?”
Byleth moves from beside the desk and sits down beside Edelgard. She is close to her, but is far enough away for Edelgard to have a comfortable amount of personal space, even if Byleth wanted nothing more than to hold her as close as possible. “That was one of the main reasons, yes. Would it be selfish of me to say that I wanted to spend a bit of time with you as well?”
“Not in the slightest.” Edelgard feels a blush creep up her cheeks. Tonight was surely a night of emotional whiplash.
“Even though I do want to see you, part of me hoped you would be sleeping right now. It’s quite late.”
“Yes, I’m aware. I can’t bring myself to rest though.” Edelgard sighs. She knows her weariness must show on her face, because Byleth frowns at her response.
“Why not?”
Edelgard fights the urge to put her walls up, and loses. “It isn’t anything you should worry about. Just letters and reports.”
“I’ve never seen you so worn. You can share your burdens with me, you know.” Byleth says from beside her. Her blue eyes are wrought with concern, her brows knit together in equal worry. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but please El. Please rest. I’m worried about you.”
Edelgard feels the heavy hands of sorrow tug on her heart once again, and she sighs deeply. She rests her head in her hands for a moment, trying to find a way to relay her thoughts to the woman beside her without falling apart again. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to share this with you.”
Byleth scoots closer to her and tentatively rubs her back. The sensation is soothing, and Edelgard does not protest.
Edelgard clears her throat and begins. “I got a letter today… I get many as you well know. Reports, requests, letters from city officials and generals and scholars. Sometimes there is good news. But each day I get numbers of the dead. A count that I started. The number keeps growing and growing, and I’ve been watching it go up for so long, that I fear it will never stop.” She pauses, letting out a shaky breath. All the negative feelings she had felt before claw at her again.
“One that I just read was… demoralizing. It was a call for help. There’s a hamlet on the northwestern coast, at the border. Bellmare. It was burned to the ground in a fight between our forces and the Kingdom’s. Half the people that lived there are dead. Innocents. It’s another Arianhrod. Much smaller, perhaps, but another tragedy.”
Her voice cracks, and she cannot bear to look at Byleth.
“The path I walk is bloody, and I have to live with the knowledge that these people lost their lives because of what I have chosen to do. I am supposed to be their leader, this country’s leader, but I can’t seem to find the words to write a simple reply to their guard captain. I don’t know what to say, or how to say it. For once, I’m at a loss, and it’s terribly frustrating.” Edelgard’s defenses against the emotions she had shoved back up inside herself fell, and her tears of fatigue and frustration began to flow again.
“Oh El…” Byleth pulls her close, wrapping her into a tight embrace. Edelgard lets herself be held. She lets herself be vulnerable; She had learned to trust Byleth with everything, her fears, her dreams, her life, her heart. She allows herself to let go. Her tears leave a wet spot on the white cotton of Byleth’s nightshirt, but Byleth doesn’t seem to mind. She continues to hold her, rubbing her back to comfort her.
“I can’t afford to slow down. I have to do my best to make sure the future they died for is worth it.”
“It will. I promise you.”
“Will it though? It feels as if each step forward I take, the ground beneath me starts to crack like ice. Victory is the only way to accomplish what we need, and that will require even more blood and sacrifice. I will never be able to stomach all of this destruction, but I cannot shy away from it either.”
Byleth only holds her tighter. She kisses the top of her head repeatedly, hoping that her love could help ease her mind, even just a little.
“El, you don’t have to face all of this on your own. You have your friends. You have me.” Byleth says gently.
Edelgard removes herself from the crook of Byleth’s neck, and stares into her eyes. She hesitates for a second, but she inches closer to her, and their noses brush. The remainder of her tears are still welling up in her eyes, but they have yet to fall. Her breath hitches in her throat as Edelgard presses their lips together. The ex-mercenary’s lips are soft and warm and inviting as she kisses her, and they push back with a gentle firmness, if one could call it that. It’s slow, soft, and sweet, and would be a bit more enjoyable if she hadn’t been crying the moment before, but it feels right, and Edelgard’s heart is full. She slowly pulls away, needing to breathe. Byleth rests her forehead against Edelgard’s own, and they find respite in the moment.
After Edelgard catches her breath, she speaks. “Byleth… You are a treasure to me.”
This time Byleth kisses her, ever so gently, and Edelgard kisses her back with equal tenderness. She kisses her again and again and again, trying to communicate words could not. Her point gets across, and Edelgard smiles into the kiss before they break apart.
Byleth looks at her with something in her eyes that Edelgard can’t quite describe. “Perhaps you can find the right words for Bellmare tomorrow. Some sleep would do you worlds of good.”
“Perhaps you’re right once again. I am rather tired, but I don’t think I’ll be able to relax. It’s strange, but all of these emotions have made me feel like I’ve been running for miles on end.”
Byleth remains silent, pondering something. “I have a proposition for you.”
Edelgard gives her an inquisitive look, “And what would that be?”
Byleth continues to trace soothing circles onto Edelgard’s back. Her voice is gentle as rain when she speaks. “I could go draw a bath for you? It might help you relax, and I don’t think anyone would be out there at this hour. You’d have the whole place to yourself. And then when you’re finished you could come back, and then get some rest. I could read to you, if you’d like.” She pauses to place a kiss on Edelgard’s temple, “Not any of your letters though. Something of your choice that doesn’t have anything to do with your work. Something to help take your mind off of it.”
She stops, and looks Edelgard in the eyes. Her face is unusually sheepish and Edelgard’s heart feels like honey, dripping with affection for the woman beside her.
“Does that sound too outlandish?”
“It’s very thoughtful of you… A bath sounds rather nice.” Edelgard replies. She wipes away the remaining moisture on her face, and kisses Byleth's cheek. “I have a proposition for you as well.”
“Oh?”
“You could join me. I can tell you're quite exhausted as well, and perhaps it would soothe you. You don’t have to, not if you’re uncomfortable with the idea. I know this was very forward of me and-”
“El.” Byleth stops her, “It’s a lovely idea. Thank you for taking me into consideration.” She shoots her a teasing smile, “I do hope your invitation doesn’t imply that I smell foul.”
Edelgard chuckles and shakes her head, “That’s not at all what I meant… So you’ll join me?”
“Yes. I may have been teasing earlier, but I really could use a wash. My hair is starting to get a bit too oily for my taste.”
“I’ll gather my things then.” Edelgard rises from her bed and gives Byleth a chaste kiss, “Thank you for lending an ear for me. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.”
Byleth smiles at her and clasps one of Edelgard’s hands between her own, gently squeezing. "Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts.”
/ /
Byleth fetches Edelgard soon enough, despite her insistence to accompany her in the first place. She felt a bit guilty over how much she enjoyed being waited on, but moments like this were a rarity and she decides not to worry over it. She had done enough of that already. The bath house is empty, as Byleth had said. The space is dimly lit by a few sconces. Despite the somewhat dim lighting, Edelgard can see the steam that rises from the large basin at the center of the room. It smells pleasantly of lavender, and Edelgard smiles, knowing that it was Byleth’s doing.
Two large and fluffy towels are placed on a bench near a changing screen alongside a selection of various soaps and vials.
“I wasn’t quite sure what you’d like to use, so I brought all the ones I could find.” Byleth says to her. “I did find a bit of lavender oil for you though. And your hair wash.”
“Thank you, Byleth.”
Byleth smiles at her, and gestures towards the selection, “You can have the first pick.”
Edelgard looks over each one, deciding on a bar of soap that smelled pleasantly herbal. Byleth chooses a simple one that gave off a faint floral aroma.
“Shall we get in?”
“I suppose we should, before the water cools…”
Byleth walks over beside the bench and begins to undress, completely foregoing the changing screen. Edelgard’s face is set ablaze at the notion and she quickly looks away. She feels rather silly for doing so, as she was the one who invited her in the first place. She can hear Byleth quietly chuckle to herself.
“You’re allowed to look at me El.”
Edelgard’s blush deepens and she swallows hard. “I know… I was trying to be respectful.”
“I would not think it disrespectful. We are going to bathe together, after all. You can look.”
Edelgard does not need to be convinced any more. She slowly turns her gaze towards the ex-mercenary, and her eyes drink in the sight before her.
Byleth is beautiful. Her body is muscular and toned, just as Edelgard already knew. Seeing her was a completely different experience altogether. Scars are scattered across her skin, some more prominent than others. The largest one ran diagonally across her lower abdomen, ending a bit below her waistline. She recognizes this as the nearly fatal wound she had sustained years ago in one of their first battles together. She is overcome with the urge to reach out and touch it, but restrains herself. Although she has had ample time to look, she cannot seem to tear her eyes away.
“El, you’re staring.”
Edelgard looks away sheepishly, turning her eyes to the ground instead.
Byleth chuckles softly, “You’re very cute when you’re flustered.”
Again with the teasing. Edelgard rolls her eyes in playful exasperation, “Oh please. And to think I was about to tell you how wonderful you are.”
Byleth grins at her, basking in the results of her prodding, “Protest all you like, but you cannot change my mind.” She pads over to the steps leading down into the bath, "I, however, will be in here, enjoying this hot water."
Water sloshes about as Byleth enters the bath. The water comes up to her chest, and her skin reddens with the temperature. She dunks her head beneath the water and rises a split second later, her hair soaked and sticking to her scalp. “It’s quite relaxing. You should get in.”
A sudden anxiety takes hold of Edelgard as she remembers that she will also have to undress.
“El? Is something wrong?” Byleth moves over to the edge of the basin, next to where Edelgard was standing.
Edelgard frowns, “I’m just feeling a bit self-conscious."
“I see. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“This may sound a bit silly, but could you turn around while I undress?”
Byleth shakes her head, “That isn’t silly at all. Just tell me when it’s alright to look.”
Edelgard nods, and Byleth turns to face the other side of the room. She removes her clothes, folding them neatly and placing them on the bench. She takes a deep breath and steps into the bath. The warm water is pleasant and inviting, and her worries melt away a little.
Edelgard exhales shakily, “Alright. You can turn around now.”
Byleth turns around to face her, and she is met with a look of reverence. She feels Byleth’s eyes combing over her scarred body. Byleth stares at her for a moment before she moves towards her and leans down, kissing a prominent scar on her shoulder. “You’re beautiful El.”
Edelgard feels a lump forming in her throat, and her chest tightens. Goddess, did she love this woman. She smiles softly, “As are you.”
Byleth replies by giving her a chaste kiss before reaching for a small wooden bucket and a vial of soap. “Let’s get you all cleaned up, ok?”
Edelgard nods, and Byleth dips the bucket into the bath to gather water. She slowly pours it over Edelgard’s head. It’s a bit hot for her liking, but she pays it no mind. She shuts her eyes as Byleth begins to lather her hair with soap, her fingers carefully massaging her scalp. It’s a lovely sensation, and Edelgard loses herself to it, allowing Byleth to do the work.
“Your hair is so lovely. I don’t know how you manage to keep this healthy, with how busy you are.” Byleth says.
“My hair is one of the few things I allow myself to indulge over.”
“I know other people are envious over its luster.” Byleth replies.
Edelgard hums. “The key is to not overwash it. If you put soap in your hair too often, it’ll damage it.”
Byleth suddenly stops, “That’s really all there is to it?”
“It really is that simple.”
Byleth continues to wash her hair, making sure to get all of it clean, and Edelgard sighs in contentment.
Byleth interprets it differently, and stops once again. “Have I been too rough?” Her worry is genuine. Byleth had always been one to be considerate of others. Even when sparring, she placed the well being of her opponent as a priority.
“Not at all,” Edelgard says, “You’re doing an excellent job. It feels so nice that I could fall asleep right here and not care.”
Byleth laughs, “The Adrestian Emperor, asleep in the bathhouse. That would be an entertaining thing to see.” Edelgard can hear a smile in her voice. Water is poured over her head, and the lather is rinsed off.
Edelgard rolls her eyes, “Hm. You’ll see no such thing.”
“I suppose not. I don’t think this would be a very comfortable place to sleep,” Byleth pours another bucket of water over her head, making sure that no soap remained, “A bed would be a much better choice.”
“Very much so.”
Edelgard turns to look at Byleth, "When you're finished, will you allow me to return the favor?”
“If you wish. But not tonight. It’ll be much faster if I wash my own hair. That way we can get you to bed sooner.”
“Perhaps next time?”
“Yes,” Byleth kisses the back of her neck, “Next time.”
/ /
The two return to Edelgard’s chambers later, both clean and relaxed. Edelgard closes the door behind her as they enter the room.
"Thank you for that. I feel much better now."
“I’m glad. You were overdue for a bit of relaxation.” Byleth says. She pulls Edelgard into a gentle embrace. "Would you still like me to read to you?"
Edelgard shakes her head, "Not tonight. You've done enough for me already."
Byleth releases her, "Alright. As long as you’re feeling better."
Edelgard takes a hold of one of Byleth's hands, “You’re looking quite exhausted, my love. You should get some rest yourself.”
As if on cue, Byleth stifles a yawn. “That is true. Not as much as you must be feeling though. I haven’t been the one constantly dealing with people presenting me with bad news for weeks on end.”
“You stand beside me when that happens, on top of everything else you do," Edelgard says. She “You deserve rest too.”
Byleth watches as Edelgard returns to sit at the edge of her bed, “Some sleep is in order for me, yes. I’ll head back to my room after you’re all settled.”
“Byleth…” Edelgard looks her in the eyes, “Would you care to stay with me tonight?”
“I would love to.” Byleth replies. "This way, I'll know for sure you've rested."
Edelgard smiles, and pulls back the fluffy duvet. The material is soft beneath her fingers, and she gestures for Byleth to get in.
Byleth raises an eyebrow, "And to think, a while ago you had detested the idea of sleep."
"Not detested. Just… Resistant."
"Will I have to do this every night to make sure you sleep?" Byleth teases.
Edelgard blushes. The idea of being able to stay close to Byleth each night was something she had thought about many times over the last five years. "I… I surely wouldn't mind your company."
"Hm. I'll take that into consideration then."
Edelgard slides herself under the covers and makes herself comfortable. She feels the weight of her mattress shift as Byleth situates herself beside her, after blowing it the candle that was lit at her bedside. The room is only lit by the silver moonlight that pours in through her window. Byleth scoots closer to her, and wraps an arm around her midsection, holding her close.
"Is this ok?" Byleth softly asks.
Edelgard responds with a content hum. She can feel Byleth's breath on the back of her neck. It tickles a bit, but she doesn't mind. She smiles to herself, happy to end the day next to the woman she loves. She takes hold of Byleth's hand and brings it to her lips, kissing her knuckles.
Byleth places a kiss on her ear, "Goodnight El."
Edelgard settles herself, relishing in the feeling of finally relaxing, relishing in Byleth's presence, finally letting go of her troubles for the day. It felt like breathing after being held underwater, weighed down by all she knew.
"Goodnight, my love."
Edelgard allows herself to be cradled in the clutches of sleep.