Archive of Our Own

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Lee Jinhyuk loves physical contact and is not afraid to show it. Not even a tiny bit. Wooseok had the opportunity to observe it very closely in the course of the last five years. 

Their fellow UP10TION members were Jinhyuk’s primary target, of course. The poor boys didn’t have much choice but to accept their friend’s touchy-feely nature as it was and most of them would let him have his way with them more often than not. It was pretty evident that they actually enjoyed it, Wooseok had noted it, but they would make an effort not to show it too frequently, afraid Jinhyuk would be a little too satisfied and end up abusing his powers. But then Jinhyuk would make a cute face and flash that million-dollar smile of his and  boom . It would take some time and coaxing but, in the end, everyone ended up giving in to Jinhyuk’s cuddling obsession. 

It wasn’t easy to deny him.  

Wooseok liked to think of himself as the exception. It’s not as if he’d put much thought into it,  before ; but even then he wouldn’t let his guard down, he wouldn’t let Jinhyuk win, it wasn’t in his nature. Not before, and surely not  now , that everything had changed. Even if the reasons  why  he didn’t want to let his guard down around Jinhyuk had completely changed, too.

At first it was more of a recurring joke, a matter of fake-pride, a way for Wooseok to maintain his  I-do-what-I-want  reputation. But then something shifted along the way. And now… now it’s just pure self-preservation.

Wooseok doesn’t know exactly when it started. When everything changed, for him. It wasn’t instantaneous, wasn’t like something clicked and he realized his feelings (ugh) in an epiphany. He’d always found Jinhyuk attractive, with his intense gaze and his towering stance and his blinding smile, but he hadn’t necessarily been  attracted to him , not that he knew of. Or maybe he had, but again, he’d never really put much thought into it. 

And it’s not like Jinhyuk had given Wooseok many opportunities to approach him, back then, and vice-versa. They were never the closest of friends during their early UP10TION days. They were friendly, of course; they’ve known each other for years, after all, but they never really hung out together outside of work, and, when they did, it was never just the two of them. They rarely shared hotel rooms or had conversations that weren’t work (or anime) related and as warm and outgoing as Jinhyuk was, Wooseok always felt like there was something about him that was hard to breach.

Still, sometimes Jinhyuk would just casually corner Wooseok of nowhere and show him some unexpected signs of affection. He would unceremoniously throw a heavy arm around Wooseok’s shoulder and ruffle Wooseok’s hair; he would give Wooseok a back hug and tickle his stomach a little too roughly with a heavy hand, then he would just leave out of the blue to talk to someone else and that would do something weird to Wooseok’s brain for a few seconds. It got  Wooseok confused, and Wooseok really didn’t like being confused. 

With time, Wooseok realized that was just how Jinhyuk was. He was tactile and he was friendly and he was very unpredictable and Wooseok ended up learning how to deal with him relatively quickly. He also learned how fun it was to tease him and play with him and take advantage of his warm and cheerful and naive personality. It became their  thing ; the push and pull, the teasing and the play-fighting; everyone knew it, everyone seemed to love it. 

But their relationship was kind of limited to that. They always had kept a safe distance from each other, and it wasn’t really an active choice, at least not from Wooseok’s part. It was just how things were, with them. Maybe the contrast between their personalities was too high, maybe Jinhyuk was just too bright and too  much  for Wooseok’s peace-and-quiet loving self to handle. Maybe they just never got the opportunity to actually talk and get to know each other in a deeper way and neither of them was willing to take the first step because they were perfectly fine the way they were. There were ten of them, after all, and both Wooseok and Jinhyuk had people they were closer with. And Wooseok wasn’t really the most social person in the world, so he wouldn’t normally go out of his way to start any kind of relationship. Usually people would approach him, not the other way around.

So Wooseok hadn’t given much thought to it. Not until he came back. 

He couldn’t help but notice things  have  changed during his hiatus, with Jinhyuk sending him cute texts and frequently calling to ask how he’d been, if he’d eaten and  have you been sleeping well, Wooseokie? You really should get a lot of sleep to make up for the last few months!  It was kind of surprising in the beginning, but it was nice. It made him feel cared for, and seeing Jinhyuk’s name amongst his other, closest friends and family on his phone screen would bring a smile to his face and give him a break from the pain in his heart.

And when Wooseok got back they just started growing a tad closer each day, both physically and emotionally, and he didn’t think much of it back then, but now Wooseok thinks it was because Jinhyuk wanted to keep an eye on Wooseok, after what happened.  Wanted to take care of him, like he always does with everyone else, wanted to make sure Wooseok was okay, because Jinhyuk always had to make sure everybody was okay. 

And, apparently for him, the best way of doing that was through touching.  A lot of it. 

*

Now they’re in this hellfest of a show and of course Jinhyuk had made a bunch of new victims - and there were literally  dozens  of them.  There were young kids, older hyungs, even the  staff . Jinhyuk doesn’t discriminate and he wouldn’t spare anyone from his very frequent displays of physical affection and Wooseok finds himself to be a bit relieved he isn't Jinhyuk's priority anymore. Or at least he feels like he  should  be relieved.

Not because he doesn’t like being touched. ‘Cause he  does,  h e actually does like it a lot. His other members usually wouldn’t shy away from showing him affection and Wooseok likes feeling loved. But he  is  kind of an introvert, after all, and he sometimes can be a bit proud, he admits, and that became a significant part of his  persona , so he’s still not one to initiate contact, not often. But he does enjoy the warmth and the comfort and both his friends and fans know that even though he likes feigning annoyance and playing hard to get, Wooseok enjoys the attention. Just like a cat, as they would say. 

So he’s very well aware that the problem isn’t the touching  per se . The problem is when it’s  Jinhyuk  the one doing the touching, and it didn’t take him long to realize it (and pretend it’s not there). And it’s not because Jinhyuk is too pushy or can’t respect boundaries or anything like that, the issue is that Wooseok’s body just doesn’t interpret Jinhyuk’s very playful, very innocent gestures the way they're supposed to be interpreted anymore, haven't had for a while now, since a bit before Jinhyuk was even named Jinhyuk. But things have been getting progressively worse and now he can’t keep denying it to himself. They have grown closer  so of course, because it’s  Jinhyuk , the casual touching grew more constant;  too  constant and it was impossible not to realize that it made him  feel , and it was unavoidable as much as Wooseok tried to brush it all off by playing and shoving and threatening Jinhyuk with whatever object was nearest to him at the moment. And then he would laugh it off because deep down Wooseok didn’t want it to stop, didn’t want Jinhyuk to think his affection was unwanted, and he didn’t want to see Jinhyuk’s smile fade away from his face. 

Wooseok really loves Jinhyuk’s smile. 

*

After they got the news about Produce X, he and Jinhyuk had no choice but to stick together all the time. They had to rehearse and attend meetings and make plans and they would talk and share worries and they could only rely on each other, then. They got to know each other in a different way when it was just the two of them. It was a more intense form of intimacy that they began to share, and Wooseok wasn’t really good at dealing with intimacy, his growing fondness for Jinhyuk leaving him too vulnerable for his liking. Wooseok often felt stuck between pushing Jinhyuk away and pulling him closer, so he would just do both, sometimes in a matter of seconds. And there were times when Jinhyuk would have this confused expression on his face when they were together, but he never really questioned Wooseok’s erratic behavior - the push and pull was their  thing  after all. And moments after Wooseok would have Jinhyuk’s hand caressing his hair again and Wooseok would want to do nothing but pull his head down and kiss him senseless. He could even picture the surprise on Jinhyuk’s face, how endearing it would be, if he does it. How Jinhyuk’s face would flush and his mouth would open in surprise. 

Wooseok needs to wake the fuck up. 

And now it’s the perfect time, now that they are here in Produce, where Wooseok could start over. And Jinhyuk… Jinhyuk had seemed a bit distant, lately. In more than one way. He’s just not  around  as much, and it’s understandable because they’ve never been in the same group in the show so far, but Wooseok feels like there’s something more to it and that’s probably his own fault for behaving so confusingly -- because  he  was so confused and just couldn’t help it. 

What Wooseok  knows  it’s that this is supposed to be a good thing, having a break from Jinhyuk’s overwhelming presence, while focusing solely on the show and his future and not really having time and energy to think about feelings and stuff like that, but it’s all backfiring. Because his body feels like it’s missing Jinhyuk, somehow, like it’s  seeking  him, as if he was going through a fucking withdrawal or something. And it’s absolutely ridiculous, he knows, and he  will  stop thinking about it. Just not tonight, not now that he’s about to go to sleep, lying on the very uncomfortable mattress of his Produce dorm, his body completely drained of all energy after endless hours of filming and rehearsing. His brain is still very active, though, conjuring up images of moments from  before , not caring about how hard he tries to push them away. He remembers Jinhyuk’s hand on his stomach, Jinhyuk’s breath on his neck. He remembers that day, last year, with Jinhyuk’s lips hovering over Wooseok’s naked shoulder, Jinhyuk’s hand almost ripping his suit jacket. Wooseok never regretted anything more in his life than going along with Jinhyuk that day. It drove him crazy, it had him on the edge the entire event and for hours after, until he finally got himself some privacy and stroked himself to relief so furiously it was almost as if he were punishing himself. That was the first time he gave in, and it was also when he realized that whatever was going on with him was getting out of hand. Wooseok had done much worse with other members before, he was well-versed in fanservice - it was his  job,  for god’s sake - and he really thought himself to be unaffected by this stuff. But it was Jinhyuk, and, again, it was different with him. Every little clueless thing he did got a reaction from Wooseok. When it wasn’t his dick, it was his heart, and Wooseok couldn’t help but chuckle at how fucking cheesy and pathetic it sounded in his head. 

Didn’t make it less true, though.

Now Wooseok is horny and sad and confused and embarrassed and he doesn’t even have the option to go out and find a quick, meaningless fuck with like he used to just to try and get rid of the emptiness. It never really worked, but that never stopped him from trying, and at least he would get off and have some momentary fun. Now he can only close his eyes and imagine Jinhyuk’s arms around his chest and his face resting on his shoulder. His hands travel down his pants. Jinhyuk’s lips do the same, in his mind.

*

Wooseok can’t help but observe Jinhyuk from afar whenever he has the opportunity, and it’s a weird thing because, before, Wooseok noticed that being close with Jinhyuk had always meant being close  to  Jinhyuk. Physically close. Having him around most of the time. But things have changed.

Now Jinhyuk rarely talks to him and Wooseok knows that it’s probably because they are so exhausted and worried and busy, and Jinhyuk is even busier now that he’s practically  raising  at least two thirds of the kids in the show and doing the most to try and help pretty much  everyone  and their mothers because of that savior complex of his that makes Wooseok’s heart sing with fondness and his brain hurt with worry. But it’s not like they don’t have any time at all. It’s not like they don’t have breaks, now and then. It’s not like Jinhyuk didn’t have the time to go out with Yuvin and Kookheon and Byungchan  et al.  

And it wasn’t even a one-time thing. They’ve gone out multiple times and Wooseok was never included and even though Seungyoun had invited him to hang out with the  crew  a couple of times ,  Wooseok didn’t feel like he was part of it. And if he were being honest, the major reason why he felt like that was that Jinhyuk wasn’t the one to invite him. It’s silly, he knows, but they’re labelmates, groupmates, they’ve known each other for  five years,  for fuck’s sake, and they’re in this  together . So it hurts a little bit to feel left out by him in particular, and  yes , again, Wooseok should be relieved,  he know s, and in a way he  is , but he also hates it. 

He hates to see Jinhyuk’s hands wrapped around Yohan’s waist, hates to see Jinhyuk and Seungwoo flirt so naturally, so casually, as if they’ve always been all close and intimate, and he especially and particularly hated to watch Jinhyuk’s abnormally long leg thrown over Byungchan while the boy tapped Jinhyuk’s thigh where it was dangerously close to his crotch. Jinhyuk didn’t even budge, Wooseok had paid close attention, had his eyes glued to the TV when he first saw it, distracting him from his own performance. Wooseok probably would’ve kicked Jinhyuk’s leg away, if he were in Byungchan’s place, but he misses being the recipient of Jinhyuk’s affection, as much as he tries not to. Right now it’s like Wooseok doesn’t even exist to Jinhyuk anymore.

It should be a good thing, he reminds himself. He really needs to stop being dramatic.

Wooseok doesn’t know why now of all times he has to feel like this. He thinks it might be because with UP10TION there was a very familiar dynamic between all of them - they’ve known each other for so long, they’ve known each other way before Wooseok started to really  look  at Jinhyuk. And after, Wooseok could always seek comfort with Yein and Dongyeol and touch and flirt with them and secretly hope for Jinhyuk to feel out-cuddled and try to get some hugs later; and of course Wooseok would pretend - to himself even - he didn't want them. But now, now there are - well,  were  - almost a hundred of shiny new boys and somehow Jinhyuk had made friends with  all  of them plus staff - because of course he would - and Wooseok would only talk to him during the eliminations and whenever they would go back to the dorms during their breaks. They’d always be too tired to talk, then.  Jinhyuk  would always be too tired to talk to him. 

So Wooseok had to spend his time wisely. He’d been using the elimination episodes as an excuse to hold Jinhyuk’s hand and talk to him and tease him and try to act like they used to before all of this, try to remind Jinhyuk that he was right there and that he  needed  him, that he was tired and vulnerable and full of doubt and worry. He would use those moments to get his fix of contact he never knew he needed, that he was once so desperate to push away.  

Jinhyuk would act very much like his usual warm self; he would nervously fidget with Wooseok’s fingers and throw glances at him and make small talk while they waited for the results and then, when they were done with filming, Jinhyuk would say  goodnight Wooseokie  with a smile and they would go their separate ways. 

*

They just finished filming and now there’s only one episode left before all of this is over. Wooseok is second place and Jinhyuk is third and Wooseok feels conflicted. He’s pretty much overjoyed at the very real possibility of having Jinhyuk with him when he’d been told he’d probably have to let go of him for years and years (he should be relieved) but he feels guilty for being so selfish and wanting to take him from their fellow members. It kinda feels like stealing -- they all knew Wooseok was practically in ever since before he even started filming, but they weren’t ready to lose Jinhyuk, too, Wooseok is very much aware of that. They have survived without Wooseok before, but never without Jinhyuk. Never without both of them. 

Thing is Wooseok doesn’t want to let go of him either. The last few weeks made him grow hopes he didn’t expect to grow and now he’s not ready to part with Jinhyuk, wants to be with him tonight and for the next five years and his wish is getting closer and closer to coming true and he can’t help but feel happy about it. 

It’s not up to him, anyway. 

*

They already have to pick their debut evaluation songs tomorrow, so they’ll be staying at the Produce headquarters tonight and there’s something unusual about Jinhyuk’s face when he wishes Wooseok goodnight, something unsettling about his ever-present smile. Wooseok can’t quite pinpoint what it is, but it makes him feel sad.

Wooseok heads to the room he’s still sharing with the U Got It boys. He spends a good hour chatting with Seungwoo before he heads to his own bed, and it’s nice, makes him feel a bit lighter. He’d made some good friends here, too, he thinks, his head cozy against the pillow. 

He’s about to drift off when he feels his mattress dip with a heavy weight immediately followed by the press of a very warm, very  long  body against his back. Wooseok’s heart immediately speeds up, his body freezing in place. It’s been so long.

“Hey, are you asleep?” Jinhyuk asks, rhetorically, his whisper a little bit too loud for its purpose. 

“Not anymore.” Wooseok answers, trying not to stutter. He needs to think fast.

“Sorry. It’s just… I couldn't sleep. Thinking too much, and I - ”

“I didn’t know you could do that.” Wooseok interrupts, teasing Jinhyuk in a poor attempt to hide how his body is still tense. “Thinking.”

Jinhyuk doesn’t laugh or react. It’s unlike him and Wooseok tenses up even harder. Jinhyuk would always laugh at his jokes, no matter how bad they were. “About the  finale ?”  Wooseok tries again, nervous.

“Yeah, that too. About Jinwoo, about our members. About  us .”

“Wanna talk about it?” Wooseok asks, faking nonchalance. He’s scared to seem as if he cares too much, but he doesn’t want Jinhyuk to feel like Wooseok is rejecting him either. Doesn’t want Jinhyuk to leave. He feels Jinhyuk snake an arm around him and a shiver runs down his body. 

“Nah. Just wanted to stay here for a little while if you don’t mind.” Jinhyuk’s voice is small.

“As long as you don’t move too much. You already take up too much space when you’re still.” He teases again. “And be silent, the kids are exhausted.” 

“Sorry.” Jinhyuk apologizes once more, exhaling heavily and Wooseok can feel his warm breath ghost over his neck, too close for comfort. Jinhyuk’s abnormally serious and his voice is low, melancholic. Wooseok doesn’t like it. “I promise I won’t budge or make a sound. I just missed you, ‘s all. It’s been a long time since we’ve hung out together.” Wooseok feels Jinhyuk’s hand lightly squeeze his hip. “I miss you.” He says again, almost inaudibly.

“Yeah.” Wooseok feels his heart constrict at Jinhyuk’s words, at how genuine they sound.  But you act like you don’t have time for me anymore,  he wants to say, even though he has no right to.  And I’m so tired and so lonely and I need you by my side more than ever but somehow I forgot how to act when you’re near .

“Yeah, that’s true.” he doesn’t say anything after that. Better not to risk it.

*

They stay like that for what feels like an eternity and Wooseok’s wide awake, now, trying to feign sleep as best as he can and hoping all the pretending will actually help him fall into slumber, somehow. Jinhyuk is only able to keep his promise for a few minutes before he starts fidgeting, the bed too small and uncomfortable for both of them. Wooseok feels Jinhyuk’s whole body move and for a second he thinks Jinhyuk’s gonna get up and leave and somehow his body reacts to the thought like it’s bracing itself for a surge of cold and discomfort. But a wave of relief courses through him when Jinhyuk’s body comes even closer to his instead, his hands pulling Wooseok’s small frame even tighter against his warm torso. Jinhyuk’s arm lies heavy on Wooseok’s chest, his lengthy leg moving slowly to accommodate itself between Wooseok’s thighs, his head now resting between Wooseok’s shoulder and neck. Wooseok can feel the tip of Jinhyuk’s nose moving against his nape. 

Now he kind of wishes Jinhyuk would’ve left. 

Wooseok is hyper-aware of  everything . Every little movement, every little sensation. He can feel where their thighs touch, where Jinhyuk’s hair tickles his ear, where his hand rests on Wooseok’s stomach, his index finger moving against his shirt maddeningly slow, up and down, feather-light, like it’s involuntarily tickling him through the fabric of his shirt. There’s the weight of Jinhyuk’s bony knee over Wooseok’s inner thigh and it’s supposed to be uncomfortable, but the only thing he can focus on is the heat radiating from it .  Then there’s Jinhyuk’s upper thigh resting between Wooseok’s legs, right below his crotch; Jinhyuk’s torso curved to accommodate Wooseok’s back, Wooseok’s ass dangerously close to Jinhyuk’s groin. So  casual . So  innocent,  so clueless.

Wooseok is  so weak  for him. His body reacts to Jinhyuk’s proximity like it would always do ever since all of  this  began and it’s suffocating and he doesn’t know what to do and he can’t just escape, now. His imagination starts to run wild and unlimited, and as much as he tries, he just can’t stop thinking about it, about Jinhyuk’s body hot on his, about how easy it would be for Wooseok to turn his head and kiss his lips, how a simple movement could have Wooseok feeling the shape of Jinhyuk’s cock against his ass, how Wooseok could just start rutting against him right there and then and fuck the consequences. 

Everything is driving him wild with it. He’s having trouble thinking, had lost all hope he’d get some sleep that night. His dick is already swollen in his briefs, he can even feel the tip starting to leak and every touch of Jinhyuk’s shoulder on his makes him flinch and it’s  pathetic . How did he become this? He feels it everywhere, from his toes to his nipples, and it’s becoming unbearable and Jinhyuk hadn’t even  done  anything. Hell, Jinhyuk’s probably  asleep .

Wooseok doesn’t think he can stay there, doesn’t think he take this any longer. He sends one last prayer to the universe for Jinhyuk to turn around or for him to just get out of there, but then Jinhyuk decides to move his head against Wooseok’s shoulder and Wooseok feels Jinhyuk’s wet lips brush against the side of his naked neck and it sends a wave of pleasure through Wooseok’s body that has him gathering all of his self-control and biting back a moan. There it is - he’s had enough - it’s too much, he can’t do this anymore.  

So Wooseok bolts

He gets up in a quick but violent movement, jumps over Jinhyuk’s big body, almost knocking him off the bed, and leaves the room, all in a matter of seconds. His dick is throbbing, his whole body sensitive and tender and he kinda wants to cry in frustration. He walks fast and angrily around the hallway, no looking back, and tries to find an empty room where he could try and clear his thoughts, where he could calm the fuck down and recover from whatever is happening to him. What the fuck is he doing? What would Jinhyuk think? He needs to make up an excuse for his ridiculous behavior later because right now he just cannot think and he hopes to god Jinhyuk won’t try and look for him because he just can’t deal with him right now, he would blow everything.

The building is enormous so it isn’t hard to find somewhere empty and seemingly hidden. Wooseok enters a room. It’s quite small and it’s filled with random furniture; there is a wooden closet, some plastic chairs piled up together, a bunch of sealed boxes and some scattered filming gear. He closes the door behind him - there’s no lock, so he prays Jinhyuk won’t come after him, won’t find him. Maybe Jinhyuk doesn’t even care, maybe he’ll assume Wooseok just got annoyed like he usually does and will just let it pass.

But it’s Jinhyuk. All he does is  care . 

Wooseok sits with his back to the closet, the hardness of the wood uncomfortable against his back. He closes his eyes, tries to relax and calm down, hoping his ridiculous erection will wilt down. Hoping he’ll find a way to explain all this.

Perhaps Jinhyuk thought Wooseok really needed to go to the bathroom? That would be a plausible idea - why didn’t Wooseok think of this? He should’ve hidden in the bathroom, that would make total sense and he could just say he’d gotten aggressive because Jinhyuk wouldn’t move away and let him out and it was an emergency.

But now it’s too late because it hasn’t even been a minute when he hears a knock on the door, and though he’s not one bit surprised, his body still jolts.

“Hey, Wooseok-ah?” He hears Jinhyuk’s voice and even though it sounds muffled behind the door, Wooseok can still detect the worry in his tone. So fucking sincere. Wooseok can’t stand it. 

“Wooseokie? You alright?” He asks again. “I know you’re there, I heard the door close. I’m worried.”

Wooseok just breathes heavily, his foot restlessly tapping the floor. Thinking and thinking and nothing.

“I’m coming in, okay?” He turns the doorknob, Wooseok can see it moving.

Shit.

Wooseok doesn’t look directly at Jinhyuk, but he can see as his friend’s long silhouette appears through the doorway. Jinhyuk turns the light on and Wooseok squints, eyes hurting. He looks at the ground as Jinhyuk approaches him, his knees folded against his own chest. He feels even smaller, doesn’t know if it’s his position or if it’s the situation he’s in, how vulnerable he is right now. 

Jinhyuk crouches down to be at eye level with Wooseok and Wooseok doesn’t know how to deal with it, can’t look at Jinhyuk’s righteous, preoccupied face or he’s just gonna break. To make things worse his dick is  still  hard in his shorts and with how close Jinhyuk is to him right now he doesn’t see the situation getting any better. 

“Did something happen?” Jinhyuk’s voice is mellow, careful. “Are you feeling sick?”

Wooseok shakes his head in denial still looking down and he can picture himself looking like a little bratty child and it makes him even more embarrassed. But he still doesn’t know what to do, how to explain his fit. It’s like his usually very ingenious brain just short circuited. 

“Did something bad happen?” Wooseok shakes his head again, still not looking up.

“Did  I  do something wrong?” Jinhyuk asks, both of his hands pointing to his own chest, and Wooseok doesn’t have enough time to figure out an answer before Jinhyuk speaks again, moving closer, and Wooseok can hear his own heartbeat. 

“Hey, you can talk to me, you know tha-” Jinhyuk’s hand travels to Wooseok’s bare knee, caressing it for a fraction of a second and Wooseok knows it’s supposed to be a comforting gesture but his body is like an uncapped wire right now, so he just explodes. He immediately, instinctively grabs Jinhyuk’s hand and violently shoves it away as he  shouts.

“Just stop. touching .me!” He yells, punctuating the words, making them loud and clear. “Jesus Christ, have you ever heard of personal space!? Not everyone wants to have you all over them all the f-fucking time, just leave me be!”

Wooseok watches Jinhyuk jump back, startled. His eyes and mouth are wide open and he stays like that for a moment before his expression completely changes and Wooseok doesn’t know what to do. “Ah…” He mutters, head down, voice small like he’s in shame. 

Fuck.

Fuck.  What had he done. What did he say. He didn’t even mean it, he was just - 

He doesn’t know. 

“Jinhyuk I -” He tries.

“I see…” Jinhyuk forces a tight lipped smile that looks sadder than anything Wooseok has ever seen.

“I’m sorry.” Jinhyuk says and his voice falters and Wooseok tries to open his mouth to speak but nothing comes out “I… I thought you were okay with it. With us being close again. I mean, last filming and all. But yeah…  filming . Makes sense.” Jinhyuk raises his eyebrows, letting out a humorless chuckle. Wooseok wants to scream  no, that’s not what I meant  but still, nothing comes out.

“You could've asked me to leave if it was too uncomfortable for you... You didn’t have to…  endure  till it got to this point. I thought we were - ” He stops, looks at his side and he sounds like he's holding back his tears. “I - I'm sorry,  you’re right… I should’ve known.” He sighs, then gets up. “I’m gonna - I’m gonna go, now, and from now on… from now on I’ll make sure to respect your boundaries. So it’s a good thing - that you told me. I apologize.”  

Jinhyuk fucking bows and turns back and he’s about to leave and Wooseok can’t, won’t let that happen. 

“Don’t go…” Wooseok says and his voice comes out small and shaky and pathetic but he knows Jinhyuk’s heard him when his body stills.

“Stay.”

Jinhyuk’s does. He stays where he is and Wooseok can see his shoulders rise, then fall. He’s hesitating.

“Come here. Please.” Wooseok pleads, not looking up, still, and Jinhyuk turns around, slowly, stopping in front of Wooseok. 

Wooseok looks forward and he can only see Jinhyuk’s legs where he’s sitting, but he can feel Jinhyuk’s eyes on him. The silence is deafening and it feels everlasting until Jinhyuk decides it’s time to break it. 

“ Seokie … what’s going on?” Wooseok feels a wave of relief when he hears Jinhyuk’s voice.  Jinhyuk sits down on his knees but it’s obvious how he’s trying to keep a distance between them. Wooseok hates it, so, in a surge of courage, he takes both of Jinhyuk’s hands and links them with his own, pulling him closer. 

They stay like this, hand in hand, Jinhyuk looking at Wooseok’s with those eyes, and Wooseok only knows Jinhyuk is staring at him because he can  feel  it. Because Wooseok still hasn’t made up the courage to look back. 

“Seokie you make me so confused. So,  so  confused.” Jinhyuk exhales heavily like he’s exhausted. Wooseok is tired, too. Tired of being so careful, so cowardly. This isn’t him. 

So he looks up,  breathing out like he’s expelling all the fear away. Then he speaks.

“Don’t you get it?  This  is just too much for me, this is just… it’s not enough” Wooseok finally speaks, squeezing Jinhyuk’s hands in exasperation and Jinhyuk only looks at him with a confused face. Wooseok thinks he’s just so handsome like this, thinks he’s just irresistible and that’s what fucked everything up in the first place and of course Jinhyuk doesn’t get it. 

“Of course you don’t get it. It’s  you .” Wooseok shakes his head and laughs, small, and he can’t help but take Jinhyuk’s oblivious face into his hands. Then Wooseok  really  looks into Jinhyuk’s eyes and suddenly he isn't scared anymore. 

Because it’s  Jinhyuk  and no matter what Wooseok does, Jinhyuk won’t get mad at him. Jinhyuk won’t lash out at Wooseok, he won’t censor Wooseok, he’s too  good . 

Jinhyuk might even just let Wooseok have his way with him. And with how his face is  so  close right now, how his lips are parted and how his eyes look warm and hazy, Wooseok thinks he might take advantage of it. He wants it so much, his body still so turned on that he can’t help himself. He’s tired of stopping himself, of thinking about consequences. So he pulls Jinhyuk’s face closer to his and kisses him on the mouth. 

It’s just a press of lips and he pulls back only a second later, just to be safe, going against every instinct in his body when he breaks apart. He looks at Jinhyuk’s face and his expression is like the personification of a question mark but his lips are red and wet so Wooseok  has  to kiss him again, this time for a little longer, trapping Jinhyuk’s lower lip with his teeth very lightly before he pulls back once more. Still scared Jinhyuk won’t kiss him back.

Wooseok closes his eyes, his heart thumping inside his chest, the adrenaline running through his veins. Jinhyuk’s lack of response is making him even more agitated and he wants more, he needs it, and thankfully he doesn’t have to wait long because only a few seconds later he feels a hand tracing down his cheek, reaching for his mouth. Jinhyuk thumb caresses Wooseok’s lower lip and pushes on it a little and Wooseok’s whole body shivers and he lets out a whimper. The look in Jinhyuk’s eyes has changed; there’s still doubt but there’s also something feral and Wooseok doesn’t know what it is, only that he wants to be ravaged by him.

“I’m so confused.” Jinhyuk says again, barely a whisper, his thumb still exploring Wooseok’s lower lip and Wooseok’s body is on fire now, it’s been building up for too long. He doesn’t know what’s gonna happen, doesn't know what  this  could mean, but he doesn’t want to think right now, can’t really think straight with how Jinhyuk’s touching him. He opens his mouth, lets his tongue dart out a little bit, seeking the taste of Jinhyuk’s skin.

“You can’t expect to push people away and have them come back every time, Wooseokie.” His voice is calm and soothing as usual but Wooseok thinks he can hear some frustration and relief and a maybe bit of heartache, he’s not sure. “Though apparently I always do. Because it’s you and you have this weird power over me.” Jinhyuk lets out a little chuckle and squeezes Wooseok’s hand. “It’s just… it happened  so  many times and… and it hurts. It does.” Wooseok should’ve known. He  did  know, he was aware of how his behavior could be perceived, but he just didn’t see a way to work around it. And Jinhyuk never seemed to mind it, not before. He was wrong. 

“I never know what you’re thinking. You make me so confused.” Jinhyuk continues and his fingers are caressing Wooseok’s hair, now, and Wooseok leans into his touch like a cat.  He takes Jinhyuk’s hand, kisses it, takes a deep breath. 

“I push you away because… I think I can't stand having you near without having you  in .” Wooseok says, doesn’t care if he doesn’t make sense. “But it’s as if… As if I just can't stand not having you close, either. I don’t really know how to act around you anymore and we’ve known each other for so long and - you make me confused, too.”  He confesses, looking at their intertwined hands and just when he opens his mouth to say more and looks up, Jinhyuk is so close their lips are almost touching.

Jinhyuk breathes over Wooseok’s mouth for a couple of seconds, his nose moving slowly against Wooseok’s, Wooseok’s lips parted like he’s pleading for it. He doesn’t know if Jinhyuk’s asking for permission or if he’s hesitating or if he’s just torturing him for the fun of it.

But then Jinhyuk goes to him with such intensity that Wooseok’s head hits the closet behind him and he can’t even bring himself to care about the pain because having Jinhyuk’s mouth on his like this feels incredible. Jinhyuk threads his fingers through Wooseok’s hair, pulling him impossibly close, sliding his tongue inside Wooseok’s open lips and Wooseok gleefully lets himself be devoured. Jinhyuk kisses with the same passion he performs and it’s wet and slow and a little violent, a little sloppy. Maybe a bit inexperienced. Wooseok loves it; it feels too good, it’s all he’s ever wanted. 

Now he just wants more. He bites on Jinhyuk’s lower lip again, harder, now that he has permission,  and Jinhyuk lets out a guttural sound that makes Wooseok’s cock twitch, makes his nipples hurt. He tongues Jinhyuk’s lip where he’d bitten it and that has Jinhyuk tugging Wooseok’s hair back to expose his neck, putting his lips on it.

He trails wet, open-mouthed kisses throughout the whole extension of it, going up a few times to lick inside Wooseok’s mouth, then back down to suck at his pulse point and it’s getting harder to breathe with every second. Jinhyuk’s hand finds the hem of Wooseok’s shirt and lifts it just enough that a little bit of skin is bared and the contact between Jinhyuk’s hot hand and Wooseok’s sensitive belly makes him shudder and moan and Wooseok doesn’t know what to do with his hands. His cock is in desperate need of attention, but he wants this moment to last, wants Jinhyuk to touch him everywhere, wants to be able to touch Jinhyuk back, too. He wants to see Jinhyuk’s cock, wants to know how it looks like when it’s hard, wants to know how it feels in his hand, in his mouth, in his ass. He  wants  too much, he knows it, knows he’s being greedy, but he wanted for too long, he’s just too overwhelmed with need and he has to do something  now .

He grasps at Jinhyuk’s shirt and tries to turn them around so it’s easier to straddle him and Jinhyuk gets the message immediately, sitting with his back against the closet as Wooseok positions himself over him, not wasting any time before he starts rubbing his clothed cock against Jinhyuk’s stomach. He needs the friction, needs to see Jinhyuk’s face, needs Jinhyuk too see what he does to Wooseok, so he tilts Jinhyuk’s head up from where it’s leaning against Wooseok’s shoulder, Wooseok’s other hand caressing - more like grabbing - Jinhyuk’s skin under his shirt, and he looks right into Jinhyuk’s half-lidded eyes, trying to convey everything he’s feeling in a way he was never able to do with words. Wooseok kisses his mouth then lowers his hips, rolling them down against Jinhyuk’s cock, finally getting to feel him hard under the cotton of his pants. He wants to feel it again, this time skin on skin, but he’s feeling too good, he doesn’t want to stop, he already wants to come. He feels Jinhyuk’s hands on his hips, trying to hold his body still for a moment, looking at him with those deep dark eyes with an expression he’s never seen before. 

“You’re the most beautiful thing. Can’t believe you want me back.” Jinhyuk’s voice is full of adoration, full of wonder. He kisses Wooseok’s neck, licks up from his Adam’s apple to his jawline. “I wanna see you.” Jinhyuk breathes into Wooseok’s ear as he lifts his shirt up, pulling it over his head then off, and Wooseok feels his entire body shiver. His nipples are perked up and a dark shade of pink and when he feels Jinhyuk’s fingers brush lightly against one of them his body shakes and he can’t help but moan, his grip tightening on Jinhyuk’s shirt.

Jinhyuk continues exploring Wooseok’s torso with his hand. He touches him all over his stomach, chest, and back, not particularly focusing anywhere specific until Wooseok feels his hand travel lower, slipping under Wooseok’s shorts.

“Jinhyuk-ah.” Wooseok gasps and his legs move involuntarily when he feels Jinhyuk’s hand caressing his bare dick.

“You’re  wet, ” Jinhyuk says it like he's stating a fact to himself, no teasing, and Wooseok is too worked up to feel embarrassed. He looks down, there’s a visibly large wet patch on his shorts. The wetness has seeped through two layers of fabric and he’s completely soaked.

“So wet.” Jinhyuk  repeats, tugging Wooseok’s shorts and briefs down to his thighs and Wooseok buries his face in Jinhyuk’s shoulder, nosing his collarbone where his shirt had slid down -- he really should get rid of it -- and Jinhyuk just smells  so good . “You’re dripping.” Jinhyuk whispers and he sounds entranced by it. Fascinated.  He strokes Woosok’s cock, spreading the slick all over the length and at first his touch is light and exploratory, his hand trailing from Wooseok’s cockhead to his balls then behind them, making Wooseok’s body thrash as he pants. Jinhyuk’s hand slides up again, index finger swirling around the crown where’s it’s leaking, and it’s just too fucking much, Wooseok’s been like this for too fucking long and he’s just impossibly sensitive. He whimpers, muffled wet against Jinhyuk’s neck - if Jinhyuk touches him again he’s going to come -

“J-Jinhyuk - hm.” He tries, but the man doesn’t really seem interested in stopping. 

“Yeah?” Jinhyuk rubs his wet thumb over the underside of the head and then he keeps rubbing and Wooseok feels it hit him, his orgasm coming in waves as he shudders violently and loses complete control of his body. Jinhyuk’s fist wraps around his cock, pumping him through it, Wooseok’s come spurting then dribbling over Jinhyuk’s fingers. 

He only realizes how loud he’s being a moment later, but Jinhyuk doesn’t give him much time to adjust, doesn’t give him time to feel self-conscious about how fast he got off, how out of it he’d gotten. He just kisses Wooseok ferociously and Wooseok feels like he’s not done either, there’s still this feeling tickling him inside, like he needs more, and Jinhyuk seems to completely understand his needs. He never stops touching Wooseok, too eager, his big hands caressing him from his lower back down to his ass cheeks, lowering his head so he can close his lips over Wooseok’s nipple then lick around it. It feels raw and it should be painful but Wooseok never feels the need to pull away, would  hate  for Jinhyuk to pull away.

“Let me feel you.” Wooseok says as his hands travel down Jinhyuk’s sweatpants, urging Jinhyuk to lift his hips off the ground so he could pull them down, his cock finally springing free. Jinhyuk lets out a low groan and Wooseok’s dick throbs at the sound of him, his mouth salivates at the sight of him. 

Jinhyuk’s cock stands tall and dark and straight, pearling at the tip, and it’s just as Wooseok imagined it would look like and Wooseok’s aching to touch it. He gives a few strokes over the length, like he’s getting to know the weight of it, how it feels against his skin. Wooseok loves how big it looks in his delicate hand, can’t believe he’s actually doing this. 

Jinhyuk is silent now, his mouth ajar, his face turned to the side and it’s the first time Wooseok detects a bit of shyness in him. He knows that it might be the first time Jinhyuk’s being touched like this, and it makes sense that he would feel that way when he’s so used to giving without asking anything in return. 

Wooseok wants to make him feel good, wants to see him come, too; wants to be the reason Jinhyuk loses his composure and forgets about everything in the world but them. He takes Jinhyuk’s face in his hand and tilts it up so they can look at each other before Wooseok kisses him again, his other hand working Jinhyuk’s cock, pulling down the foreskin so he can play with the sensitive crown and Jinhyuk lets out a low groan and trembles. Wooseok has to stop kissing  him for a moment to look down and he’s overcome with the need to taste him. It’s their first time yet Wooseok wants to do everything. He doesn’t know when,  if , they’ll do this again, doesn’t want to think about it. There’s so much he wants to do. So much he wants Jinhyuk to do to him. So much he wants to say.

Wooseok takes the head into his mouth, suckling lightly, taking the taste in before he licks over the whole length of it. He looks up and Jinhyuk has one hand covering is eyes and his mouth is slightly open, little deep, breathy noises coming out of it, his other hand is moving frantically from Wooseok’s shoulder to his neck, then back. Wooseok tongues Jinhyuk’s cockhead then tries to swallow around his length but Jinhyuk startles and involuntary thrusts hard and deep into Wooseok’s throat, making him choke, his eyes watering; and as soon as Jinhyuk notices he pulls Wooseok away by the hair. His grip isn’t strong, it’s careful, and Wooseok doesn’t want to leave.

“Seokie - S-sorry. Are you okay? I-I was caught off guard, I’m sorry.” Jinhyuk stutters and there is this very specific look on his face, something that seems like a mix of worry and lust and it’s so  endearing  and  god , Wooseok is crazy about him. 

“Don’t. Please, don’t be sorry.” Wooseok says, hoarse, and he’s somehow even more turned on both by Jinhyuk’s lack of restraint and by how noble he is, no matter the situation. He wants to say how much he wants this, how good Jinhyuk’s making him feel, but he isn’t ready to voice it out, not yet. 

“Just come back here,” Wooseok says as he pulls Jinhyuk’s head to kiss him filthy on the mouth once more and he’s ready to go down on him again, finish what he’d started and have Jinhyuk come in his mouth; but now it’s Jinhyuk who starts grinding against him and it gets harder and harder to stop.

Before Wooseok could do anything about it he feels Jinhyuk’s hands travel down his back to grab his ass, guiding Wooseok’s hips to rut against him and Wooseok already wants to come again. 

“Fuck.” Wooseok pants and curses in surprise when Jinhyuk’s hands knead then spread his asscheeks apart to expose his hole. Wooseok didn’t expect that. Not tonight, not from Jinhyuk’s own volition. He was caught unprepared, gladly so, and now he wants it more than anything,  needs  Jinhyuk inside . 

“C- can I? ” Jinhyuk whispers as he circles a hesitant finger around Wooseok’s rim and Wooseok keens and nods enthusiastically against Jinhyuk’s chest. He rolls his hips, trying to press his ass against Jinhyuk’s fingers, frustrated at the feeling of them slipping away.

Wooseok doesn’t even remember that they don’t have prep until he feels Jinhyuk’s hand trail back to his cock and try to collect the ridiculous amount of precome already leaking from the tip to smear over his hole. Wooseok shudders and it’s hard to believe it’s  Jinhyuk  doing that. Clueless, naive Jinhyuk, doing that only for him.

Wooseok feels Jinhyuk carefully sliding a long finger in, touching him inside slowly and experimentally. Jinhyuk never stops looking at him, lips parted like he’s both dizzy with arousal and alert for any signs of discomfort in Wooseok’s face.

But it’s not the case it all - it all just feels mind-numbingly good and before Wooseok could notice he’s humping Jinhyuk again, feeling Jinhyuk’s hard dick drag against his own cock and stomach. He attempts to touch him, wants to make him feel good, too, but Jinhyuk’s thick finger inside him isn’t allowing him to think straight, touching him in all the right places; he twists and crooks it and it grazes against Wooseok’s prostate and Wooseok trembles and whimpers, his ass quivering, his cock straining. The finger stays there against Wooseok’s prostate, movements slow and short and precise, just rubbing and teasing and it’s  maddening,  Wooseok feels like he’s going to die because of it. 

He cannot control his body anymore, his legs are trembling, his hips bucking up to rub his cock against Jinhyuk’s body while Jinhyuk’s finger mercilessly works him inside right where he needs it, and it’s both too much and not enough. Wooseok wants more, wants Jinhyuk to fuck him with his cock, might have said it out loud a couple of times, not caring much about the logistics of it. But Jinhyuk just keeps going and Wooseok is panting and moaning and probably drooling all over Jinhyuk’s shirt. 

“You’re so sensitive, inside.” Wooseok thinks Jinhyuk says, voice low and sluggish and full of awe, and Wooseok  needs  to come again. He looks at Jinhyuk’s face like he’s desperate for help but Jinhyuk only licks his lips and jabs his relentless finger hard against Wooseok’s spot while his other hand closes over both of their cocks and Wooseok body shakes; his body tenses up then convulses and he desperately tries to grasp at something as he comes  hard , his hands finding Jinhyuk’s shoulder and gripping tight on his shirt. Wooseok’s hole clenches around Jinhyuk’s finger as he keeps stroking Wooseok’s prostate until after he stops spurting and it feels like it lasts forever, until he feels himself gasping for air.

He finds himself slumped over Jinhyuk’s large frame as he rides the aftershocks, panting hard against Jinhyuk’s neck, his body feeling spent and tender everywhere. The soles of his feet are tingling. His lips hurt. 

It takes a while for him to come down from it, for Wooseok to absorb everything that’s happened. Wooseok’s mind is still hazy and Jinhyuk’ chest slowly moves up and down beneath him, short, low pants coming from his mouth, and that’s when Wooseok realizes that he’d missed Jinhyuk’s orgasm and he’s pretty mad at himself for a moment. He really wanted to see Jinhyuk’s face when he came.

He tells himself that next time he’ll make it good for Jinhyuk, his mind already conjuring up images of what they could do next and when he’s about to look up at Jinhyuk he’s suddenly hit by this weird wave of fear. 

Out of nowhere his head starts bombarding him with a million thoughts, coming all at once; and Wooseok starts thinking that  this was all a mistake ,  he’d let his guard down, he’d let himself be too vulnerable , and maybe  all of that  was just Jinhyuk being nice in that weird way of his because  they didn’t even talk about it, for Christ’s sake. And why is Jinhyuk so quiet, what if he already regrets this  and now Wooseok is too scared to look up, scared to move. He wants to stay where he is, doesn’t want to stop living in a reality where they can touch like this. 

It all goes away when Wooseok feels Jinhyuk’s hand trail up from his back to play with his hair. He feels a hand tilt his chin up and there it is, Jinhyuk looking at him with  that  smile on his face, and now Wooseok feels stupid for even worrying.

It’s  Jinhyuk , after all. 

He’s still breathing heavily and slowly, his shirt is all crumpled (Wooseok can`t believe he's wearing a shirt, next time - yes, next time - he won’t have that luxury) his hair is damp and sticking to his forehead. There are little beads of sweat on his neck and forehead and his skin is glistening. It really is a sight to behold. 

Wooseok can’t really imagine how he himself must look now, after all this, but the way Jinhyuk’s staring at him and the way he mutters a little  hey  with that million-dollar smile plastered on his face has Wooseok’s lips automatically curving upwards and he feels his ears burn. He’s not embarrassed or self-conscious, not really, but he still hides his face in the crook of Jinhyuk’s sweaty neck. Looking into Jinhyuk’s eyes can still be a tad bit overwhelming and Wooseok is already very much overwhelmed right now, thank you very much.

“Ugh, you’re sticky.” Wooseok whines half-heartedly against Jinhyuk’s skin, but he doesn’t move an inch. Doesn’t really want to. Not for a long time. 

Jinhyuk makes an outraged sound (Wooseok can picture his face - eyes open wide, brows raised, smile wide) and then starts to laugh and it’s that full-blown laughter Wooseok loves so much and Wooseok can’t help but laugh, too. 

“Oh my  God . Kim Wooseok.” Jinhyuk says and Wooseok can hear him smiling. “Still the same as ever.” Wooseok just snakes an arm around his torso and holds him even closer.

*

They shower together, after (suck it, Seungwoo) and when they finish Wooseok has to ask Jinhyuk to stay and sleep with him, and it’s not even hard for him to swallow his pride. Even when Jinhyuk flashes him a teasing, triumphant smile.

It’s almost dawn, they are tangled together in that tiny bed and it’s comfy and warm, and it’s so  good  just to enjoy Jinhyuk’s proximity without having to monitor himself all the time. Wooseok’s cheeks hurt from smiling. 

They don’t talk about it, not tonight. They’re tired and they need to sleep and tomorrow will be a long day, just like the day after tomorrow and so on. All of the following days will be decisive and exhausting, even more so than the last three months, Wooseok knows, but tonight he’s feeling optimistic about the future.  We have time , Wooseok thinks, trying to scare away the fear that they won’t make it together; his heart hurting at the mere thought of it. 

Wooseok pulls Jinhyuk’s arm even tighter around his body and intertwines their hands. He remembers their rankings. The odds are in their favor and Wooseok is optimistic. 

He won’t think about it too much. Not tonight. Tonight is only bliss.