Work Text:
“Mirka, I want to go play Bercy.”
Roger said it peacefully, like he had already made up his mind. He knew that wasn’t like they had planned the end of his season, at all. He was expected to play Basel, then rest and practice for the ATP Finals. But his heart was aching. He couldn’t think of waiting a whole more week to see Rafa and make him feel guilty as hell.
Yes, he was being selfish and childish. But he had to see him, look him in the eye and show him the signs of the suffering he had caused to Roger.
He knew perfectly well that Rafa would know instantly that his tired expression, his unlighted eyes, the lack of his usual smile were his fault and Roger egoistically wanted the Spaniard to be aware of the amount of pain Roger was experimenting.
He knew those thoughts were unfair to Rafa. He only was doing what he should have done himself since long time. Being faithful to the woman who never left his side, the woman who waited for him for more than fifteen years. Being a better person than Roger. Leaving his own happiness behind to fulfill the one of another person.
Yet he couldn’t help feeling cheated, abandoned, betrayed.
He was married since 10 years, yet this had never stopped him to go to Rafa, be with him and love him nonetheless.
Rafa was determined not to do the same for him.
And this was enough to feel angry and sad.
Mirka stared at him, looking calm, as she was expecting as well such a statement from Roger.
She sighed.
“You want to go to Paris and to risk not being healthy for one of the most important tournaments of the year, because...?”, she asked, but knowing pretty well the reason behind her husband’s wish.
“I just... want to defend the points I earned there last year. Don’t want that Russian kid to overcome me in the ranking.”, he lied.
Mirka let go a muffled chuckle and shook her head, hiding it behind her hands.
“You’re a terrible liar, Roger”, she said, but she wasn’t angry. She knew and she understood. She always had.
Roger lowered his gaze, knowing she knew perfectly what she was talking about. He didn’t say a thing.
She came closer to him and stroked his cheek.
“You’re miserable and you want to remedy it, don’t you?”
He nodded.
“Roger, if you think going to Paris will help you to feel better, then okay, we’ll go to Paris. But are you sure this won’t make things any worse?”
Roger leaned into her and let himself be hugged, hiding his face in Mirka’s neck and sighing deeply.
“I don’t know, Mir. But I... I have to do something about this. God, I... I’m sorry I know I shouldn’t talk about this with you, but...”
“Don’t be silly Roger, of course you should. I’m your wife, I want you to be happy. I love you. I love even that part of you which refuses to give up on Rafa.”, she said, with a kind of tranquility which would have stunned every man in the world.
Roger froze against her shoulder at hearing Rafa’s name, as the mere fact that it had been spoken into reality made his whole miserableness even more difficult to bare.
She noticed it and tightened her arms around his waist.
“You miss him, don’t you?”, she added.
“God... Yes.”
He failed to stop a tear.
“I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this.”, he continued, whispering.
“It’s enough Roger, it’s not like I’m discovering something new. I always knew that you and Rafa...”, she stopped, not knowing how to put in words something almost impossible to be explained.
“This thing with him is part of you. You wouldn’t be Roger Federer without. And I chose you for who you are. That’s why I can’t be jealous of what you have.”
“Of what we had, maybe”, he said, before he could stop the words.
She simply smiled and let go of him only to look him in the eye.
“Please, Roger. Do you really think the wedding will change what you two feel towards each other?”
“It did.”
“Yeah, because you’re two stupid proud and masochist idiots. If you just talked instead of avoiding each other like the other was the devil incarnated, things would be different.”
Roger snorted.
“What are you talking about, Mirka, he got married!”
She looked at him, frowning in disbelief.
“Didn’t you?”
“That’s... that’s different.”
“And why on earth would it be?”
“Oh my God, Mirka, that was 10 years ago. I barely knew him!”, he shouted, regretting immediately what he had said.
She looked now taken aback. Her eyes clouded instantly.
Roger reached for her and joined their foreheads.
“No, that’s not what I ... I’m just saying he’s more aware of what a wedding could mean for us than I was at the time. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have married you.”
She looks a bit relieved but not completely convinced. Yet she smiled and nodded.
“It’s okay Roger, I know you love me.”
“I really do.”
“That was never the point. I’m trying to make you understand that I’m not the kind of wife who will never deny you something that makes you so happy. You should know that by now.”
“I know and I will never thank you enough to have always been so comprehensive. It’s just... you’re one in a million, though. You think María Francisca would ever been that open and permissive? And even if she would, Rafa is not like me, he’s... he’s totally and fully committed to everything he does, how can it be different for his marriage?”
She seemed to think about it just for a second.
“I think you haven’t the measure of how much he loves you. I think for you he would make an exception. You always were his exception, weren’t you?”
Roger sighed, smiling a little, in spite of the heaviness of the chat.
“I think I was, yeah.”, he admitted.
“Okay, so stop moping and call him.”
“I don’t think this conversation is something we can have by phone.”
She nodded.
“Okay, we’re going to Bercy then.”
~~
Roger arrived in Bercy around dinner time. He knew he had to wait at least another hour for Rafa to arrive from Mallorca, he had checked the flights.
Pretty pathetic, he thought. Yet he couldn’t help it.
Mirka had been kind enough to reserve two hotel rooms instead of one, to make sure Roger had time for himself, to make sure he had a safe place to return to after the planned conversation with Rafa, without feeling guilty in her presence.
He thought he was a lucky man. How many other wives would have done something like this for their husbands?
He lied on the bed, allowing himself to think about the last time he and Rafa had talked.
“I tried the suit today”, Rafa had said, without seeming to understand how much that thought was killing Roger. He seemed very oblivious of every change that would follow his decision to get married. He was acting like he could talk with Roger about everything, like it had always been.
Roger had tried to play along, suppressing the urgency of hang up and go cry in a corner.
“Yeah? How is it?”, he had asked, trying not to sound too wounded.
“I’m sorry, Rogi, can’t say. You will see it at the wedding.”
Roger was aware at that point that he could no longer make Rafa think he would actually attend his marriage. He couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t. And now the moment to tell Rafa had come.
“Rafa, about this...”
“What Roger?”
“I... I don’t think I will come to the wedding Rafa. I... I just don’t think it would be appropriate.”, he had said, surprising himself for his bravery.
Rafa’s mood had changed instantly.
“What? Appropriate? What, why, what...?”, he had started to say, confused, panicking a little.
“Rafa, I just can’t. Can’t sit there and watch you saying ‘I do’ to someone else. You know I can’t.”
“But Roger, I... you are my friend, I really want you there, even if...”
“Even if? Even if this will mark the end of us?”
“What??”
“You’re saying it will be the same for us from the wedding on?”
Rafa has sounded completely taken by surprise. It was clear he wasn’t expecting a single thing of all that. He couldn’t even articulate his thoughts.
“Roger but I never...”
“It’s really unbelievable. You’re giving up on me, and you’re completely fine about it. That’s the worst thing you could have done to me. Oh my God, I really can’t fucking believe it. You’re talking to me about your fucking tux, I can’t believe you’re so lighthearted about this. I used to think we were something else you know, only now I realize you don’t give a shit about me.”, Roger had shouted, with voice broken by the pain.
“Can I talk or not??”
“No. I don’t want you to say bullshit that will make me feel even worse.”
“You can’t actually think that I...”
“Enough Rafael. Best of wishes.”
He had hanged up, and cried for hours. His Rafa had really decided to leave him behind without even feeling bad about it. He couldn’t believe it. It was like he didn’t know him at all.
Rethinking about that conversation was even more painful now, in the loneliness of his hotel room, so much Roger almost regretted not to have stayed with Mirka, to bother her with his sadness.
He looked at his Rolex and realized by now Rafa should have arrived. He shuddered but forced himself to send a simple text message.
“Are you arrived? Can I come to see you?”
He almost dreaded Rafa wouldn’t answer. He had been pretty rude to him the last time, so much that it wouldn’t have surprised him if the Spaniard had decided not to hear from him ever again.
His thoughts were interrupted by the acoustic signal of his phone, signaling a new WhatsApp message.
Trembling, he unlocked his iPhone and read:
“I come. Give me your room number.”
Roger thought about it. It was almost like Rafa didn’t want Roger to know where he was staying. This awareness hurt him more than he was willing to admit but he decided not to argue. He texted Rafa the number and received a simple “coming” in response.
A couple of minutes later, he heard a soft knock to his door and rushed to open it.
Rafa stood there, staring at the floor. He raised his gaze to meet Roger’s and the Swiss had to appeal to all the willpower he had not to throw himself to Rafa and kiss him senseless.
He was even more beautiful than he remembered from the last time he had seen him in Geneva.
A knot instantly formed in his throat and he failed even to say “hi”.
So Rafa decided to start himself.
“You let me in?”, he asked, and Roger could do nothing but move to the right and clear the path for Rafa to enter the room. He closed the door and turned to the beautiful man who was standing before his eyes, waiting for him to say something.
“Why you want see me?”, pushed Rafa, almost as impatient as Roger.
The Swiss failed not to smile hearing that thick accent on Rafa’s words. Rafa’s English wasn’t similar to anything else. It was simply Rafa and it warmed Roger’s heart every time.
Rafa raised his eyebrow at Roger’s behavior.
“What’s funny?”, he asked.
The Swiss shook his head and came a little closer to Rafa, who take immediately two steps back, cooling the mood again. Roger returned dead serious.
“Wow... we’re at this point?”, he said, hurt.
“Roger, just say things. Why you want me here?”
Roger sighed and went to sit on the couch, waiting for Rafa to follow but realizing immediately that he wouldn’t.
So he took courage and started to speak.
“Rafa I wanted to see you because I think the last time we... we didn’t end things so well...”
“Oh, you THINK?”
“Ok, I know, not think. And you know, I don’t think we deserve to part our lives that way. I think we’ve been enough to deserve a proper goodbye”, he said, and he suddenly felt tired as he would be after a 5 set final against Djokovic. He knew it couldn’t be easy but he didn’t expect it to be this painful to look at Rafa and realizing he was cold and far away from him, even if he was physically right before his eyes.
Rafa seemed even more cold after those words were spoken.
“I don’t have even understood why you want to say goodbye in first place.”, he whispered, as if it was more for himself than for Roger.
Roger frowned.
“What do you mean, Rafa?”
“I mean that you decided things, alone, you no even consult me.”
Roger stood up and tried again to come closer to Rafa, who this time didn’t refuse him.
He looked sad and defeated. And Roger couldn’t really understand why, he couldn’t wrap his mind around that whole situation. He lifted Rafa’s chin, forcing him to look at him in the eye.
“Rafa... are you saying...”
“I’m saying I can’t believe you still don’t know. After all these years.”
Roger was trembling slightly while Rafa looked impossibly deceived. He couldn’t even bare to look at Roger, it was like he no longer was the man Rafa had learned to know. And to love.
“Then say it, Raf. Please... please say it.”
Rafa didn’t say a thing. His eyes wetted in few seconds, breaking Roger’s heart.
“Oh my God, Rafa...”, he said, starting to realize what Rafa was trying to say.
He hugged him as tight as he can, and Rafa let him, crushing against Roger’s body and starting to sob quietly.
He hadn’t intended to make his barriers collapse so quickly but suddenly the situation had become too much and he had given up.
“How could you think... how could... you...”, Rafa tried to say but his sobs were shaking him and not allowing him to complete his sentences.
“Shh,baby, calm down a little first”, Roger whispered in his hair, never letting him go and giving him time to regain his composure.
After not less than five minutes, Rafa could calm down and started to disentangle himself from Roger’s embrace.
“How could you think I was leaving you? How can you no know I love you too much for leave you?”, he asked, wounded, this time not fearing Roger’s gaze.
The Swiss felt like dying. He had understood everything wrong. He had been an asshole, assuming Rafa was leaving without bother to ask him. Without even give him the chance to explain himself.
“I’m so sorry Rafa... I assumed that...”
“Yeah, you assume”, interrupted Rafa.
“But you no ask me. You no let me say it’s not like that. Mery knows no? She always know I love you, since.. like... forever... she no deny me to see you.”, he concluded, his English even worse than usual, clouded from his emotions.
Roger felt his heart pounding so hard it seemed it was trying to break his chest and go out, screaming his love for Rafa to everyone.
“So you didn’t think of leaving me? At all? That’s why you were so calm about the wedding?”
Rafa nodded.
“Yes Roger, i though my marriage like your marriage. Mirka and Mery know, always knew. Never been a problem so why would have it been after wedding?”
He said it like it was the most evident thing in the world. He said it so simply Roger started to feel crazy just to have thought something could ever change between them.
“Rafa please forgive me. I know I don’t deserve you to, but please, forgive me. I was a mess after Geneva, I thought I had lost you forever and my mind went completely blind. I cried, I yelled at my wife, at my kids, for nothing really, just because I didn’t know how to deal with the thought of having lost you. I was half crazy Raf, I was so scared...”, it was now Roger’s turn to cry, but not because of sadness. They were tears of relief, of pride towards that beautiful man who had never thought of leaving him. That beautiful man he had hurt so bad he couldn’t forgive himself.
“I love you, Raf. I swear all the stupid things I did and said weren’t meant to hurt you. I panicked, Rafa. I’m not able to imagine a life without you in it and the pain made me crazy, but...”
Rafa interrupted him in the only way he could.
He kissed him, with a strength that surprised even himself.
Roger kissed him back immediately.
They went on for minutes that seemed like hours. Then they slowly parted, breathing heavily. Roger smiled and pulled Rafa closer, hugging him again, and feeling the heat of the Spaniard’s breath on his neck.
“Why you did this to us Rogi?”, he whispered, but the sweet nickname was enough to make Roger understand he wasn’t angry.
“I was miserable, in the day of my wedding Roger. I only could think about you and you hating me, I was so sad Mery asked me if I wanted to cancel the whole thing.”
Roger took Rafa’s face in his hands, making him look at him in the eye again.
“I couldn’t hate you even if I tried Rafa.”, he said, then he hugged Rafa again, as he couldn’t bare a single inch of distance from him.
“God I’m so sorry, please tell Mery I’m sorry for her too. That girl probably hates me as well.”
Rafa chuckled.
“Not at all Rogi. Yes, she was angry at first but she’s an amazing woman and she tried to understand me. I’m not sure she did but I’m glad she tried.”
The joke lightened the atmosphere and Roger smiled, releasing Rafa from the embrace but taking his hands in his.
“I’m glad you two are okay.”
“Yeah, and you know? Earlier, when you texted me, I asked her if I could come to see you. And she said if I didn’t come see you and if I didn’t come back with smile on my face, she would sabotage my tournament by kicking all my water bottles when I’m on court.”
“Oh my God, how cruel! That’s terrible, Rafa! How could you marry an evil woman like that!”, joked Roger.
Rafa laughed and leaned in to kiss Roger again.
“Does this means you forgave me? Even if I’ve been a complete asshole?”, asked the Swiss, and Rafa rolled his eyes.
“You keep no understanding? Roger, I can’t live without you. I love you too much for that.”
The Swiss smiled and shook his head sweetly.
“God, I didn’t think I could fall in love with you more than I already did.”
The kiss that followed said for them what they was failing to say with words. Soon they were panting in each other’s ears and their lips were red and wet.
Roger put his hands under Rafa’s t-shirt, and the Spaniard shivered at the contact, tightening his grip on him.
“Roger...”
“I’m here, baby. Not going anywhere.”
Rafa brought himself even closer to Roger and their erections came into contact causing their breath to become even heavier.
“Roger I want you. I want you so bad.”
“Believe me, I want you too, Raf.”
They couldn’t get naked fast enough and the first touch of their skin was pure fire.
Roger sitting on the bed and Rafa on top of him with his legs around Roger’s waist.
He kissed his neck, insistently, while with one hand stroking his right arm, and with the other his hair. Roger melted into his strong arms, breathing deeply and losing himself in the unmistakable wonderful scent of sun, sea, sand. That scent that was only and exclusively Rafa. The Spaniard began to move gently making their cocks rub between them. Roger could no longer even think, completely enraptured by the unique feeling that closeness to Rafa made him feel. As if that weren't enough, the Spaniard knew Roger's weaknesses too well and seemed to be determined to use them all against him.
Roger moaned loudly and Rafa only knew he wanted to hear that sound again. So he brought his lips close to Roger’s left ear and breathed heavily in it, following the pace of his slow hips’ movements, which were driving his lover completely crazy.
“I can’t wait to be inside you. Do you want it, Roger?”
“God, Raf, yes. I want you deep inside me.”
Rafa made him lie down on his stomach, starting to caress him everywhere.
Roger started to rub himself against the sheets desperate for friction, but Rafa stopped him, by putting his hands on his hips, holding them in place.
“Do you have lube?”
“In the suitcase”, the Swiss managed to say.
Rafa stood up making Roger sigh at the loss of contact.
It took him just few seconds to return to Roger opening the lube bottle with one hand and teasing Roger’s hole with the other.
“I see you came prepared. Why did you bring lube with you, Roger? Were you waiting for someone?”, he teased.
“You... I was hoping you to come and forgive me and fuck me.”
“Oh I can’t wait, Rog. Spread your legs.”
Rafa covered his fingers with a good amount of lube and started inserting two of them in Roger’s welcoming hole.
“Oh God Raf, yes, please, more.”
“You’re so tight Roger, I really can’t wait to be inside you.”
The Spaniard scissored his fingers, preparing his lover for himself.
Roger was a moaning mess, begging Rafa to replace his fingers with his cock.
He didn’t make Roger repeat himself and lined his erection with Roger’s hole, pushing inside slowly but forcefully.
“Oh Raf...”
“Roger... you feel so good. This is so good...”
Rafa gave him some time to adjust but almost immediately he began to thrust in Roger, like his life depended on it.
“I missed this, fuck.”
“Yeah, yeah me too...”
The rubbing of his cock on the sheets was slowly leading Roger to his orgasm.
“Don’t stop Rafa, please don’t stop. Don’t fucking stop.”
Every thrust was driving Rafa closer to his edge and he had to appeal to all his willpower not to speed the pace and just come hard inside Roger.
He forced himself to slow down and slipped his cock out, making Roger whimper.
He lied down and invited the Swiss to sit on his lap.
“Ride me, Roger. Take what you want.”
Roger was well happy to please him, and he quickly put Rafa’s member inside him, moaning loudly and immediately starting to go up and down.
“Harder Roger, come on, make me come.”
The Swiss speeded up the peace, chanting his lover’s name like a prayer.
“Yes, you are so good, so good...”
Roger bended over him, changing the angle of Rafa’s cock inside him and making them both scream.
“This is perfect Raf, I can’t... I...”
Rafa wrapped his fingers around Roger’s cock, which after only two strokes erupted in white spurts all over Rafa’s stomach.
The Spaniard fucked him through his orgasm and came soon after.
They stayed like that for a while. Roger collapsed on top of Rafa who was still inside him.
After some minutes, they parted and lied down, facing the ceiling and trying to catch back their breath.
Then Roger put an arm around Rafa’s waist and pulled him closer.
He buried his nose in the Spaniard’s temple and kissed his cheek repeatedly, until Rafa turned to look at him, smiling.
“I really thought I had lost you, Raf.”, he said, voice shaken by emotion.
“Never Rogi. You always have me.”
They leaned in at the same time, crashing their lips in the sweetest of kisses.
“I no want to look too... how you say it... empalagoso.”
“What? What’s ‘empalagoso’?”, repeated Roger, making a strange face who caused Rafa to laugh.
“You know... when someone says something too sweet”
“Oh, you mean ‘corny’!”
“Yeah that. I don’t want to sound ‘corny’ but... you are the best thing that ever happened to my life. When you said those things to me before wedding I... I felt so empty Rogi. I thought I were alone. I know I have always Mery and my family but without you I felt like I was alone.”, he concluded, sounding a bit sad.
Roger took his hands and kissed his knuckles, trying not to cry again.
“I’m so sorry, my love. It won’t happen again.”
“You promise?”
“Sure, baby. I promise. Come here.”
Rafa went willingly in Roger’s arms, letting himself be lulled from the heartbeat of the man he loved more than anything.
“Te amo, Rafael.”
Rafa smiled at hearing his native tongue from Roger and he left a sweet kiss on his lips.
“Te amo también, Rogi.”
#end