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They wouldn't let her in. Ellie had been waiting for hours to see Hardy but they wouldn't let her in. Just family, they said. She wanted to say that she was as good as a family as he had (except for Daisy of course, who had been staying with her mother for the break, they were on the way down to Broadchurch now) but she knew it wouldn't help. So she sat next to the door of his hospital room in the ICU, occasionally pulling her phone out of her pocket in case Daisy texted her that Tess and her had arrived. Her mind kept racing back and forth, pictures of Hardy's, of Alec's scared expression, the sheer terror in his eyes, his destroyed and bloody figure flinching away from her flashing in front of her eyes.
Fuck. This should have never happened.
The door next to her opened and a nurse came out. She gave Ellie a sympathetic smile. Ellie couldn't bring herself to smile back. The nurse was almost out of Ellie's reach when Ellie grabbed her hand.
'Sorry to bother you,' she said, voice low, 'I know you can't tell me specifics. I just want to know if he'll be alright.'
The nurse sighed. She seemed torn, but in the end answered Ellie.
'Physically, yes. His injuries must hurt a lot but they will heal. It's not uncommon that patients that were injured under... these specific circumstances develop chronic pain issues, though. And mental health is an entirely different story.'
Ellie nodded, let go of the nurse's hand. That didn't sound good. Absolutely not. Even though he barely showed it, Hardy's mental health hadn't been what Ellie would describe as good in the whole time she'd known him, with nightmares and panic attacks being a more or less everyday occurrence that he had just learned to hide well, and Ellie knew him well enough to know that it would take him a long time to open up about this. If he ever did. Shit, if he even remembered this. To her knowledge, memory loss was a common symptom in torture survivors.
She swallowed, nervously pushed a strand of long hair behind her ear.
'Thank you,' she said to the nurse.
The nurse nodded as well and left quickly. Ellie watched her, then looked at her phone again, hoping for a distraction.
She got one. Well, kind of. It was a text Daisy had sent.
Fifteen minutes left now, it said, sent six minutes ago. Do you know how he's doing?
Ellie answered, her fingers shaking while she typed.
They didn't tell me much but they said he'll be alright.
Was that a lie? Ellie wasn't sure. She didn't want to tell Daisy that this might have serious consequences on Hardy's mental health. Not before Daisy had seen that he was alive and as okay as the circumstances allowed. This was hard enough as it was on her and Ellie didn't want to make it any worse.
Daisy's answer came quickly.
Okay. Pulling off the highway now. They'll tell us his room number at the reception, right?
Yes.
See you then.
Ellie put her phone down again. Shit. This was really happening. Hardy really was in that hospital room. Severely injured. Hurt. And she couldn't do anything about it, couldn't even try to tell him that everything would be alright. Christ, she didn't even know if that was the case. Didn't even know if he was conscious either. Shit. Her phone buzzed in her hand and she unlocked it. It was a text from Tom.
Mum, are you alright? Lucy's here and she's picked Fred up from kindergarten.
Shit. She couldn't tell him about what had happened. Not only would Hardy kill her for that, she also didn't want Tom to read this over text. Even though Ellie and Hardy weren't dating and didn't plan on it (the thought was absurd, really), they'd started to help each other out with the kids. Coparenting in a way. It had worked quite well so far, especially with Fred who loved his Uncle Alec to pieces, but Tom had also taken a liking to Hardy after the first few difficulties.
Ellie didn't want to tell Tom over text that Hardy had been hurt. So she didn't mention it. She'd tell him tonight.
Yes. Something came up at work. I didn't know how long it would take, so I asked Lucy to look after Fred for the afternoon.
Will you be back for dinner?
I don't know yet. I'll text you when I know, alright?
Alright. Tell Alec I said hi.
Well, fuck.
I will.
Ellie let her phone sink again, pushed it back into her pocket. Fuck. She needed him to be alright. She just did. Even though they made an odd pair, he'd become one of her best friends and the closest thing to a dad that Tom and Fred had and she just needed him to be alright. It occured to her that this sounded selfish, that she should support him no matter what state he'd come out of this and she would. Of course she would. But she couldn't stand the thought of him being so hurt.
When someone cleared their throat, Ellie looked up, saw Tess standing in front of her, Daisy by her side
'Hello,' Tess said.
'Hi,' Ellie answered. She got up to give Daisy a quick hug.
'Is he awake?,' Daisy asked.
Ellie shrugged.
'They're not allowed to tell me.'
'What exactly,' Tess started, then cleared her throat again, 'what exactly did they do to him?'
Ellie threw a worried glance towards Daisy but decided to answer anyway. Daisy would find out one way or another. She was the daughter of two cops, was smart and stubborn and there wasn't really any way to conceal the truth from her.
'He was shackled and blindfolded when we found him. He'd been whipped several times. His back was - was all bruised and split open and bloody. And he was freezing.' Ellie swallowed, licked over her dry lips. She noticed Daisy moving closer towards her mother, take her hand. 'We got him out of the shackles and I helped him drink some water and then he collapsed. I don't know if there's more. They didn't tell me anything.'
'Fuck,' Tess swore. She exhaled before speaking again. 'But no... sexual violence?'
Ellie shook her head.
'Not that we know of.'
Tess exhaled slowly again.
'That's good,' she said.
Daisy didn't say anything. Ellie could tell that she wasn't able to process what she'd just been told. And it was hard to process. Why would anyone ever do that to another person? How could someone who was in full possession of their mental abilities push every last bit of empathy aside and intentionally hurt someone, anyone? Ellie had no idea.
'Did they tell you anything?,' she asked. Tess and Daisy were family, they were allowed to know more.
'Only that he's not supposed to lie on his back for too long and that they'd given him a considerable amount of painkillers. And that he's got a few broken ribs and a bad cold.'
Ellie nodded. Made sense, not lying on his back. They probably wrapped him in bandages but she doubted that there was any way that it wouldn't hurt if any kind of pressure was put on the wounds. Then again, lying on your side with broken ribs also didn't sound necessarily comfortable.
'Shit, I don't know if I can do this,' Daisy said, almost inaudible.
Tess smiled sympathetically, pulled her daughter into a one-armed hug.
'That's alright, Daiz. I can go in alone first and you come in whenever you're ready,' she offered. 'Or maybe we talk to a nurse and then Ellie can come with us if you think that helps. I mean, I'm not technically family anymore either, but you are and that's why I'm allowed in. Don't see why you couldn't ask for Ellie to be allowed in as well.'
Daisy nodded against her shoulder.
Ellie still didn't know what to make of Tess. She seemed a decent woman, except for the cheating of course, seemed like she still genuinely cared about Hardy. Not only now, but also back when he'd got his pacemaker and she'd picked him up. And Ellie had seen her under stress and even then she still seemed decent. Not lashing out at anyone. (Hell, this was a stressful situation right now and Tess was handling it much better than Ellie was.) Maybe lashing out at Hardy but Ellie felt like there was a lot more to that than just a stressful situation, stuff she didn't know about that had happened in their relationship, so she didn't think it fair to take that into consideration.
Shortly after a discussion with the next nurse passing through, Ellie had permission to see Hardy as well. And she was bloody nervous. She knew he'd look physically better now, cleaned and bandaged, but she had no idea how he'd react.
Tess went in first, her hand tightly clutched by Daisy who followed her in. Then Ellie. And shit, Hardy really didn't look well. He was lying curled up on his side, turned to the door (Significant? Ellie's detective mind asked. Maybe he can't stand not knowing who's coming into the room anymore), bloodshot eyes barely open but never still, constantly darting around the room. A piece of gauze, not necessarily bloodsoaked, but with a dark spot visible in the middle, was taped to his left forehead and he winced almost inaudibly with every breath he took. Shit. Ellie really hoped that that didn't mean that his lungs were damaged in any way. Hopefully just the broken ribs.
This wasn't good. This really wasn't good.
'Daisy,' he mumbled after a good while of them just standing in front of the door, none of them wanting to move too quickly and frighten him. His voice was husky and Ellie realized that he had to have a done a fair bit of screaming in pain while he was held captive.
'Darlin', you shouldn't see this.'
Daisy shook her head.
'And you shouldn't have been hurt at all. You've done nothing wrong.'
Hardy shrugged.
'No, I haven't.'
The 'But that doesn't matter to some people' was left hanging in the air.
Daisy took a cautious step forward and then another, and another, until she was standing at her father's bed, one hand lying on the mattress for him to take. He hesitated at first, then took it. Only now did Ellie notice the bandages around his wrists. An image of raw and red skin flashed before her eyes, even bloody where the metal had grazed it too often. Fuck. Again it hit her how bloody real this was. Not a bad dream. A bad, a very bad reality.
When Ellie felt a soft nudge in her side, she looked up, surprised. Tess was looking at her, nodding towards Hardy.
'Talk to him,' she mouthed.
Ellie shrugged. She didn't really know what to say. Anything that she could think of seemed so useless and trivial. God, this was a first (well, second technically. But she didn't count the whole Joe thing.) Usually, she always knew what to say. Not now, though.
'Hardy?,' she asked finally.
'Miller. Didn't think they'd let you in.'
He sounded distant, even more distant than his usual 'I'm a bloody misanthrope so don't talk to me' distant.
'They didn't at first, but your daughter and exwife can be very convincing if they want to.' It was silent for a while and when Hardy didn't respond, Ellie added, 'Tom says hi, by the way.'
Alec's eyes focused on hers for a second, before moving away again, roaming around the room in a pace that would have made Ellie feel dizzy had she tried following it.
'He doesn't know, right?'
Ellie shook her head.
'No. But we texted earlier.'
Hardy nodded. He didn't say anything for a few seconds. When he finally spoke, it was slow, as if he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know Ellie's response.
'Please tell me you've got that guy in custody.'
Nothing had prepared Ellie for the terror in Hardy's so bloody small and quivering voice. (The way it was phrased made it clear that he didn't want to seem scared, but Ellie knew him well enough to notice it directly. It was hard to miss, really.) She was taken aback. She knew that there was a lot more to him than the facade he put up to almost all people, knew that behind closed doors he was more emotional than most people she knew, but she had never seen or in this case heard him so scared.
She nodded.
'Yes. Charlie shot him in the leg.'
Hardy swallowed. His eyes actually stilled for the first time since they had entered the room, stared off into Ellie's direction but he wasn't looking at Ellie. He was looking through her.
'I thought it was him,' he said, his expression emotionless and distant, eyes glazed. He looked more apathetic than Ellie had ever seen him. He swallowed again, continued, 'The shot. I thought he was going to shoot me. And then I thought I'm going to die in this building. And then I prayed for the first time in thirty years.' His voice was not much more than a whisper when he finished, 'And I prayed for it to be over quickly.'
Ellie was shocked. Bloody hell. Fuck. Hardy had already made peace with his own death. Had already given up. It was a good thing they found him when they did. With a death wish, he wouldn't have survived much longer.
Ellie could see the shock broadening on Daisy's face as well, walked over to hug her. Only after three steps she realized that she was approaching Hardy, too, and that quickly, without any consideration of what that might trigger in him, and that she was currently towering over him with him lying down as well, and she apologized profusely to him for her thoughtlessness, while she held Daisy in her arms, just thankful that Hardy seemed okay and that she hadn't frightened him all that much. And he did seem okay. His breathing had quickened a little and his jaw clenched and he had flinched away from her but over all he seemed okay. That was until Tess came over, slowly, knelt down next to Hardy and took his hands and ordered him to breathe slowly in and out. Then the tears started to fall, silence interrupted by quiet sobs.
Fuck.
Ellie was torn, not wanting to let go of Daisy, but still wanting to comfort Hardy. But Tess did that already, and she had obviously done this often enough to be practiced and it was working, so Ellie pulled Daisy a little closer. Fuck. Ellie just hadn't been able to see how much this, only this alone, had distraught him. She knew he had to be good at hiding fear as a cop, but Ellie had been sure before that she would still recognize the start of a panic attack.
But she hadn't.
Shit. She needed to learn how to recognize this.
And she needed to learn to be more careful around him now. He would hate it, hate it so bloody much that everyone, including her and Daisy, would walk on eggshells around him. Christ, these next few months really wouldn't be easy.
But all of that didn't matter.
He was alive.
That was what mattered.