Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

 I will not ask you where you came from

I will not ask you, neither should you. - Hozier

"Yoongi-ssi, I hope I'm not being rude in pointing this out to you, but you look terrible."

Yoongi snorts and takes a deep breath. He runs his fingers through his messy hair and sits up. He nods but doesn't say anything.

"What happened? You looked better last week. But now-"

"I look like shit, I know." His fingers are shaking so much, they have been for days now. He tugs on the zipper of his jacket to give his fingers something to do. She notices this of course.

"I think we might need to put you back on your medication."

Jeongyeon scribbles something down on her clipboard and Yoongi bites his lip.
His heartbeat feels slow, and he's sure he's not breathing at all. Even now in this cozy air-conditioned room he feels an icy coldness seep right into his soul.

"Can I ask what went wrong? Are the nightmares back again?"

"No, not the nightmares." He can handle those, he's terrified of something much more. His eyes are wide and panicked as he looks at her.

"What then?" She sounds patient, even smiles kindly at him, and Yoongi sniffs. He doesn't want to say it, he knows he shouldn't, but he can't stand it anymore – he's been living in a nightmare.

"He's back – doctor. H-he's back." The doctor looks a bit confused for a second, but then she pulls her professional mask on.

"The dreams with Jungkook-ssi?"

"Not dreams…" he says, and then, with wide eyes, he turns to the chair behind him.

Jungkook is sitting there, playing on his phone innocently; he looks up and smiles at Yoongi, the expression grotesque due to the burns on his face. The scars that have mangled his pretty face, turning it monstrous.

Yoongi feels a scream trapped in his throat, like a lump that stops him from breathing, but his tears spill over.

***

Don't look him in the eye.

Yoongi pulls his jacket tighter around his shivering frame. There's a coldness oozing down the back of his spine, and it has nothing to do with the frigid January air; it makes him shudder and walk faster. He won't look back. He won't look at him.

Jungkook follows behind him, calmly.

Yoongi starts jogging, brushing past people and ignoring the curses they yell after him. He hurries to beat the chill in his bones. It's futile, but Yoongi's legs push him faster.

He reaches his apartment panting, throws open the door after fumbling for a whole minute with the key, and slams the door shut. He leans heavily against the door, to keep the nightmares away. Hoping and praying it might work, just this once.

"Hyung?" a voice says right behind him.

"Argh, fuck! What the -" He turns around to face his apartment that should be empty and is met with – "N-Namjoon? What-" he groans and squeezes his eyes shut. His heart has crumpled to dust from the fright and he clutches his chest.

"What's wrong?" Namjoon walks closer to him. "Is someone following you?" He reaches for the doorknob and Yoongi stops him. Namjoon looks even more confused now, but Yoongi just shakes his head.
He can't speak yet. Every nerve in his body feels wired. His body is tense, ready to flee any second.

"Yoongi, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. Nothing's – I'm fine." He walks away from the door, his eyes resting on the doorknob until Namjoon gently leads him away. Namjoon has been his best friend for the longest time. Maybe that's why he doesn't push Yoongi for an explanation right now. He talks about random things instead. The crabs he found at the beach clean up, news of Seokjin and he even launches into a discussion about socioeconomic issues.

Yoongi doesn't contribute, he just enjoys being surrounded in Namjoon's presence. It feels nice, a breath of life after drowning for months. Namjoon sips on his mug of tea; Yoongi notices there's a mug in front of him too. When did he make that?

There's silence now.

Maybe Namjoon has run out of things to say or maybe he wants to say something more.
"How did it go today?" he asks carefully. He circles his finger around the rim of his cup.

"With-"

"Yeah. It went." He scrunches up his face a bit and Namjoon's frown deepens. Yoongi pulls out the crumpled paper in his pocket and passes it to Namjoon. It's his prescription.

"What? Why? Hyung – it says here -"

"’– Might be institutionalised’" He shrugs and picks up the mug in front of him. He doesn't feel like drinking, but at least his hands aren't shaking when he has his fingers tightly curled around it.

"Last week you were better, last week you said the nightmares had gone. The drugs Jeongyeon prescribed are for PTSD? This is – hyung this is bad." Namjoon's voice is heartbroken and Yoongi feels guilt heavily on his shoulders.
All he's done for the past six months is worry his friends and cut them off. Namjoon doesn't deserve this.

"I'll try harder. Joon. I'm trying," Yoongi says.

Namjoon stands up from his seat, walks around the kitchen table and falls to his knees in front of Yoongi.

"Yoongi, you're not alone. Please – don't forget that. We're here for you. We'll help you go through this." Yoongi turns his face away. He doesn't say anything.

"What happened – it wasn't your fault Yoongi."

"It was. I know it was."

Namjoon sighs; he blinks, trying to keep the tears in his eyes from spilling over. They've been through this conversation, many times before. Where Namjoon plays the part of a good friend and tells Yoongi the fire wasn't his fault, it was an 'accident' – but Yoongi knows that's not true.

"Hyung – Jungkook wouldn't want-"

"God, Namjoon. Enough! Give it a rest!" He pushes himself to his feet and moves away from Namjoon. His chest is heaving again. "You have no idea what Jungkook would want! You don't even – You can't even see him!"

Namjoon stands too, but much slower. More – sad and hurt.

"And you can?"

Yoongi bites his lip, his breathing still a bit too fast and loud in the silence between them.

"I'll come back tomorrow." Namjoon says. He walks out of the kitchen and Yooogi doesn't follow him. He waits for the sound of the door shutting. His feet are glued to the same spot he's standing in. He closes his eyes – and let's himself cry. He stands in the brightly lit kitchen crying; tears that feel hot as they pour out of him. He pulls at his hair and lets himself fall onto the floor.

"Hyung? Why are you sad?"

Yoongi screams. He doesn't open his eyes. He squeezes them shut tighter. His crying is now louder and tinged with fear. He's too scared to open his eyes and find out where he is. He doesn't want to look at him.

"Hyung?! What's wrong?!"

"No, please – No! Stay away! I'm sorry! Please! "

"Hyung?"

And it's Jungkook's voice and it breaks Yoongi to pieces. Jungkook can't be here right now. He must've gone mad. He really should be locked up. Yoongi is going crazy and his mind has decided to punish him; to recreate the one most beautiful thing Yoongi has ever had and turn it into something twisted and terrifying.

Yoongi curls himself into a ball on the floor. His breaths are shaky and he feels dizzy. He's sure he might throw up any second.

"A-are you mad at me?"

Yoongi doesn't answer.

"I'm sorry."

And now Yoongi opens his eyes. Because what could Jungkook ever have to apologize for? Yoongi sits up and turns to Jungkook.

He immediately wishes he hadn't looked. Jungkook looks the same as he does in Yoongi's nightmares, burnt skin disfiguring over half of his face. The skin is charred black and bleeding in some places, one of his eyes sealed shut. But Jungkook blinks innocently with his other eye at Yoongi.

Yoongi looks away.

"I'm sorry, Jungkook-ah," he says; his voice cracks, and it's a pitiful apology but Jungkook smiles.

"For what?" he giggles. It's a beautiful sound, it's a sound Yoongi never thought he'd hear again. And maybe he shouldn't be hearing it at all. But it doesn't matter, because it soothes Yoongi. He closes his eyes again and lies back on the cold floor. He feels Jungkook lie down next to him.

I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

I miss you.

He can't seem to silence these thoughts as they repeat themselves over and over again, rising within him like a loud monster eating away at him, filling him with anxiety and a particularly new blend of soul crushing despair he didn't think he was capable of feeling.

***

"Hyung! Yoongi hyung!" Namjoon's panicked voice snaps Yoongi back into reality. He wakes up with a start, sitting up quickly. Namjoon clutches his shoulder.

"Are you OK?! What happened?!"

"W-what?" Yoongi croaks out, his throat feels dry and sore – all the crying and screaming probably.

"I'm calling an ambulance." Namjoon reaches for his phone, but Yoongi leans forward to stop him. The small movement makes dizziness and nausea overtake him. Namjoon's panic intensifies. He's already on the phone describing Yoongi's 'critical' condition.

Yoongi doesn't have the energy to fight him after that. He lets his eyes slide shut. After what feels like a second there's a flurry of movement. He's being carried? Is he in the ambulance now?

He lets himself sleep.

When Yoongi wakes up again, it's not because of Namjoon's yelling, it's Namjoon's quiet sniffling sounds. He blinks his eyes open, and with a bit of effort, turns to the side. Namjoon is standing by the door, talking softly on the phone. His eyes are bloodshot and his whole face is red and blotchy.

"Hyung, it's really bad – Yoongi, he's just-" more sniffling, and then, "Yeah, we're in the hospital now. The doctors said he's 'malnourished', 'dehydrated" and 'stressed'." Namjoon is silent. He nods and smiles a little. "I'll call you later when he wakes up. Bye, love you."

Namjoon hangs up the phone and walks into the hospital room. His eyes are downcast so he hasn't even noticed Yoongi looking at him. It's only when he drops into the armchair next to the bed and looks up does he light up in surprise.

"Yoongi hyung! You're up! How do you feel?" Yoongi opens his mouth, but Namjoon holds up a hand to stop him. "No, don't talk. Here, you should drink water. I'll call in a nurse." He pours water from a pitcher on the table and hands the cup to Yoongi. Yoongi obediently drinks, he feels immediately better. The throbbing headache eases a bit. He can't remember the last time he's had a glass of water, he realizes.

"Do you remember what happened?" Namjoon asks nervously.

"I forgot to drink and eat, it's not a big deal, Namjoon. I'll be fine." He tries to smile at his friend, but Namjoon is unamused.

"It is a big deal, hyung. You're – God, can't you see you're wasting away?!" Yoongi can't find an answer to that, he knows he is.

"I'm sorry."

That's all he seems to say these days.

Namjoon sighs and leans forward so that his forehead rests on Yoongi's open palm. He feels guilty that he can't just get his shit together already. That he's putting his friend through so much pain. He's sorry.

"I'm sorry, hyung, I shouldn't have left yesterday-"

"No, Joon. It's fine, you didn't do anything wrong. I'll be fine, I promise." He smiles wider for Namjoon, who looks up at him with red rimmed eyes; he doesn't seem to believe Yoongi at all, but maybe he appreciates the effort because he smiles back.

Over the next couple of hours Namjoon stays by Yoongi's side, fussing over him and Yoongi is glad for it. He's happy because he can look at Namjoon – instead of Jungkook sitting on the other vacant chair.

When it's too late for Namjoon to stay, he leaves with promises of returning the next day. Yoongi swallows down the panic that bubbles up inside him. He's been ignoring Jungkook's presence. The boy had pouted when Yoongi wouldn't answer him.

When the door clicks shut behind Namjoon, Yoongi squeezes his eyes shut.

"Hyung?"

It may be childish to pretend to be asleep but that's exactly what Yoongi does.

"I get that you're mad at me, for whatever reason, but would you at least look at me?"

That's the hardest part, Yoongi thinks.

His eyes open, though, and he turns to Jungkook. He's sitting on the edge of the bed and – he's crying.

"No, Jungkookie. I'm sorry. Don't – don't cry, please?" He scoots a bit closer, careful not to jostle the IV drip connected to his wrist. Jungkook sniffs and cries harder.

"That's the first time you've talked to me in days, hyung. Do you hate me?" Jungkook wipes at the tears flowing down. He wipes over his cheeks, over the burnt skin.

Yoongi winces.

"I could never hate you – that's impossible. I loved – love you." he swallows down his fear and reaches out for Jungkook. He's worried his hand might pass through the boy's hand, but to his surprise, Jungkook feels solid. Real. It's a relief, but it also convinces Yoongi that he's definitely gone crazy.

Jungkook squeezes Yoongi's hand.

"You don't hate me?" He blinks at Yoongi; Yoongi looks at the burns on his face. They're a reminder. That Jungkook is dead. Burnt in a fire, and it's his fault. Yoongi doesn't hate Jungkook, he hates himself.
He feels tears prick at his eyes, but he tries to hold himself back.

He reaches for Jungkook's cheek, strokes it with deliberate feather light fingers.

"Doesn't it hurt?" he asks through the lump in his throat.

"Does what hurt?"

Jungkook hums in confusion. He reaches up and touches his cheek.
"Is there something on my face? What is it?"

He rubs at his cheek with the sleeve of his sweater. The rough action scrapes the charred skin, tearing it apart a bit. Yoongi recoils, grabbing Jungkook’s wrist to stop him from peeling off his skin.

He doesn't know.

Jungkook doesn't know, he doesn't remember the fire. He doesn't know he's –

"There's nothing on your face. Never mind." He smiles tightly, Jungkook smiles back, brightly.

A nurse opens the door. Yoongi turns to her, and she looks at him and then at the spot where Jungkook is sitting. She gives Yoongi a puzzled look but walks into the room. She can't see him. Of course she can't.

"Can you bring him some more water?" Jungkook speaks up and Yoongi looks at him with wide eyes. He looks at the nurse but she doesn't even react.

"How are you feeling Min Yoongi-ssi?" she says, checking the fluids in the IV drip. He nods and then clears his throat.

"F-fine." Yoongi looks down at his legs under the blanket. It's probably a good idea to not look at Jungkook in front of others. He wouldn't want people to know he's actually crazy.

"I'll go bring you some water, okay?" she says before leaving the room. Jungkook smiles at her and thanks her.
Jungkook really thinks the nurse was speaking to him – it's so sad Yoongi's chin trembles. He feels like wailing at the unfairness of it all.

Jungkook smiles at Yoongi, in a way that pulls the skin of his face.

"You should get some rest hyung, I'll be right here with you."

"Right."

That's the problem.

***

Yoongi doesn't sleep. He tries – meaning, he closes his eyes and lays down really still, counting his breaths in the silence of the room. The lights were turned off. He wonders if Jungkook is still there or if he's finally gone for real. He's too scared to open his eyes and check, so he just lies there.

Time doesn't seem to be moving at all, Yoongi isn't sure how long it's been. It's too silent. His thoughts are loud though; thoughts of Jungkook's – ghost? – haunting him because he's angry at Yoongi for letting him die, swirl around in his head like the contents of a poisonous broth mixing around in his mind, intent on driving him insane.

Eventually after hours or maybe just minutes, he feels the insistent urge to use the bathroom. He opens his eyes, slowly.

Jungkook isn't there.

Yoongi sits up quickly and turns on the lamp on the bedside table.

Nothing.

There's no one in the room with him.
Maybe he should feel relieved? Yoongi's heart is in his throat and he can barely breathe around it. He gets out of bed and drags the IV stand to the ensuite toilet. The tiled floor is cold under his bare feet.

When he's washing his hands at the sink he looks up at his reflection. He touches his cheek gingerly and breathes out. He's lost a lot of weight. He can barely recognize himself.
Yoongi turns off the tap, he looks up again at the space next to his reflection and – there's the silhouette of a boy on fire.

Yoongi screams, he spins around and falls back into the sink.

But it's just Jungkook.

He's not on fire, he's just scarred, and blinking innocently down at Yoongi with one eye.

"Hyung?"

Yoongi is still panting, he's on the cold floor staring up at Jungkook with wide eyes like he's a nightmare. In some ways, he is.

"Hyung?! Are you okay? You're bleeding!" Jungkook rushes forward and Yoongi holds out his hands to stop him from coming closer.

"Stop! I-I'm fine. It's not – I'm fine." Drops of crimson blood drip down his wrist from where the IV needle was ripped out when he fell. It stains the pristine white tiles red, but Yoongi is staring at the hurt and confusion in Jungkook's face as he steps away from Yoongi.

Yoongi sits in the bathroom for a few minutes. He feels sick. He didn't mean to hurt Jungkook, it's just –

He heaves a deep sigh and gets to his feet.

Jungkook is sitting in the armchair when Yoongi enters, his arms hugging his frame to make himself smaller. Yoongi knows Jungkook enough to tell he's trying really hard not to cry. Yoongi doesn't even know how to apologize. He leaves the room and heads to the vending machine. He uses the coins he has stashed in his wallet to buy what he needs, and heads back to his room. He smiles at the nurse stationed outside his room. She thankfully doesn't mention Yoongi's scream earlier.

When he opens the door and enters the hospital room, Jungkook is still there. He doesn't acknowledge Yoongi at all. And maybe Yoongi prefers that right now. So Yoongi walks closer and drops the banana milk he bought on the table beside Jungkook.
He doesn't say anything but Jungkook smiles.

That's enough for now.

***

"Okay, I'm done with all the paperwork. You're free to go back now." Namjoon smiles; Yoongi zips up his jacket, ready to leave.

"Do you mind giving me a ride?" he asks and Namjoon's smile falters a bit.

"Uhh, yeah about that. I'm not driving." He steps nervously on his feet. "Seokjin-hyung-" Yoongi groans.

"I think I'll just get a cab." He moves to the door, but Namjoon blocks it. He smiles apologetically.

"Hyung! Please just – try? Please." He begs Yoongi with his eyes. And Yoongi hates it.

"I'm not ready – I don't want to-"

"Things are different, he just wants to talk. He was worried about you, he's been worried about you." Yoongi's stomach recoils violently. He's either about to puke or scream. He can't decide. What he knows for sure is that it's been 6 months and he still doesn't know how to face Seokjin. He still feels guilty.

But more than that, he feels selfish. Jungkook wasn't just his boyfriend, they all lost Jungkook. Jungkook and Seokjin practically grew up together, he only met Jungkook because of Seokjin. They all miss him and yet he's the one that's a mess. He's the one that can't keep it together. Seokjin should hate him; Yoongi would prefer it if he did.

"Also he baked you a cake. Because 'everything-"

"-is better with a slice of cake'." Yoongi smiles and Namjoon smiles back.

"I'm glad you want a slice. It's chocolate," a voice says behind Namjoon.

Yoongi holds his breath. Seokjin has that effect on people. His hair is brown now, with choppy bangs. When Yoongi last saw him, he was blonde.
Brown haired Seokjin holds up the box and smiles. He looks hesitant, which is a foreign expression on his face. Seokjin has always been outspoken, confident and fiercely protective of the people he cares about. That's why he's the one that yelled at Yoongi after the fire last year, the only one that blamed him. Yoongi can't smile back. He looks down at his feet and bites his lip.

"Yoongi-ah. I-"

"Maybe we could get in the car? Let's talk when we get hyung home."

Namjoon intervenes and Yoongi feels grateful. The car ride is awkward, with Seokjin driving, Namjoon in the front passenger seat and Yoongi in the backseat with – Jungkook.
Jungkook is asleep, his head on Yoongi's shoulder. And Yoongi's whole body is tense.
Maybe the silence must bother Namjoon because he puts some music on. Jungkook stirs in his sleep.

"Turn that off now," Yoongi snaps. He didn't mean to sound harsh, but he doesn't want Jungkook awake right now.

Namjoon turns off the music and it's silent again.

"Yoongi–look, I know-"

"Let's talk when we get there. Please? "

"Why are you whispering?"

He glares at them both and it goes silent again. Jungkook continues sleeping.
The car pulls up at Yoongi's apartment. Hesitantly he shakes Jungkook awake. Jungkook blinks a few times, the eye on his burnt side really just a slit opening and closing. Jungkook climbs out of the car right after Yoongi. He's still blinking sleepily and he pulls up his hoodie.

"Hyung, can we have cake?" he mumbles. Yoongi stares at Seokjin with wide eyes. Seokjin looks back at Yoongi.

"We'll have cake inside. Come on." Seokjin says.

"Thanks, hyung." Jungkook smiles and walks up the stairs.

Yoongi is still standing staring between Jungkook's retreating back and Seokjin holding the cake. Seokjin doesn't even know he just had an interaction with a ghost. Yoongi grimaces. He wishes he didn't have to have any interactions with a ghost.
Finally inside the apartment, Jungkook is eating cake. Seokjin and Namjoon are in the living room and Yoongi is there with them. They're talking to him about… something but Yoongi is staring at where Jungkook is seated in the kitchen. He's eating a slice of chocolate cake, Yoongi can see that – but the box of cake is still closed. Yoongi is scared that if he opens the box it will still be whole – it doesn't make sense at all.
The science he learnt in school didn't prepare him for having a ghost boyfriend.

"-even listening?"

"What? I mean – sorry, what was that?" Seokjin sighs and stands up.

"Nevermind, I don't even know why I bothered."

"Hyung wait!" Namjoon yells before shooting Yoongi a glare.
"Yeah, hyung. Sorry – I didn't mean – sorry just. Please don't leave." Yoongi says this to appease Namjoon. In truth he'd rather both of them left.

But Seokjin turns back. He gives Yoongi a pointed look.

"Sorry hyung, I'm just not – I'm... tired." Seokjin doesn't answer. And then suddenly his arms are tightly wrapped around Yoongi. He's crying. Jin is crying; Yoongi feels his throat clogged and he breathes evenly, willing himself not to break down. He feels too tired to cry.

"I've missed you hyung. I'm sorry."

"I've missed you too, Yoongi-chi. I'm sorry, so sorry."
They stay in each other's embrace for an embarrassing amount of time. Seokjin is shaking, trying to conceal his crying, but they all hear it anyways. Yoongi's heart feels a tiny bit lighter. He hadn't known how much he's needed to make things right with Seokjin. How much it means to him to know that Jin doesn't hate him.

"You don't hate me?" he asks in a voice so quiet it's almost not heard, muffled into Jin's shirt.

"I could never, I never did – I'm so sorry, Yoongi. I didn’t mean it."

Yoongi just nods. His heart feels lighter. When he opens his eyes, looking over Jin's shoulder, Jungkook isn't at the table anymore. The slice of cake he'd been eating is gone.

Seokjin and Namjoon leave, Yoongi turned down their invitations for dinner using the excuse of being tired. Honestly he looks tired, so they both don't fight him. When they're gone, Yoongi walks to the bedroom.

Jungkook is fast asleep, curled up on his side of the bed, peaceful. Yoongi watches him. His heart isn't racing, the ache is a dull throb right now. Like this, he can look at Jungkook. Sleeping, with his hood covering his scars, maybe he can pretend none of it happened. But he realises bitterly, it all happened. He can’t ever erase it. He remembers months ago, Jungkook sleeping exactly this way. The younger boy had woken up and smiled at Yoongi, pulling him down to snuggle closer.

He misses Jungkook.

Yoongi reaches out and touches Jungkook's hair, gently stroking his fingers through the strands. They're soft, just like they are in his memories. Jungkook's eyes snap open.
Yoongi flinches and pulls away. Before he can, Jungkook holds his hand.

"Don't stop."

And so Yoongi continues, patting his hair. With shaky fingers, he continues until Jungkook falls asleep again.

Hours later, it's dark outside. Yoongi can't sleep. Maybe because Jungkook is in his bed. He leaves the bedroom and goes into the kitchen. In the top drawer there's a small envelope. It has his prescription drugs inside.
He hasn't had a single one since they were prescribed to him a month ago.
Yoongi remembers promising Namjoon he'd try, promising to be better. He can't keep lying to his friends.

And so Yoongi takes two pills. He swallows them down with a glass of water, and lies on the couch. If the medication works, he knows he won't see Jungkook again. Hallucinations, heartache, longing. He wants it all gone.
In the morning, everything will be fine.

He'll be alone again.

***

Soft touches. Kisses on his neck. Yoongi feels warmth creep over his skin. It's a feeling so familiar, he's yearned for it. Instinctively he leans into the warmth.
His eyes flutter open and he's face to face with burnt skin, scars and shining eyes.

"Holy shit-" He jumps, and pushes Jungkook away. "Don't! Do that!"

"I- sorry...I didn't mean to-"

"What are you doing here?!"

"What?"

Yoongi rubs his hands over his eyes, his breaths rattle in his chest. He breathes in and out and glances at Jungkook. He's still solid, and real. A hallucination that just won't go away.

"You shouldn't be here – you're not real," Yoongi whispers softly, quietly. Jungkook doesn't hear; the boy just looks hurt and confused.
Yoongi gets to his feet, opens the drawer in the kitchen. He pours out more of the pills. A handful. He pours himself a glass of water, it has to work. He can't – he can't live with a hallucination that's too real, that brings his nightmares into the light of day. Jungkook has to go away this time. He brings the handful to his lips, but Jungkook stops him.

"What are you doing?!" He holds Yoongi's wrist tightly. Yoongi stares at the younger boy with wild eyes, almost angrily.

"I can't – Jungkook, you have to go."

"I don't – hyung! What are you trying to do? This will kill you-" Yoongi fights against his hold. Maybe he's crying, but Jungkook feels too real, too solid, and he can’t stand it.

"Can't you just fucking go away?! Why are you haunting me?! I'm sorry! I don't know what to do!" he yells. The pills in his hand have all fallen to the floor, but Jungkook's grip doesn't falter. He looks confused.

"Hyung, I think you're sick, but you can't take your drugs this way, you'll hurt yourself."

Yoongi can't help it; he laughs. It’s a bit hysterical.

"I'll hurt myself? Jungkookie, you're not real. You shouldn't be here. You're here to haunt me," he says in between bursts of laughter. Jungkook only looks confused and hurt.

"Hyung, why are you being like this?" He moves away, his body turned away from Yoongi.

Yoongi sniffles. He wipes his face and tries to calm down.
"You're being an ass." Jungkook glares at Yoongi. Yoongi tries not to focus on his scars.

"I'm sorry – Jungkook. I just, I don't know how to say this-"

"Say what?!" He spins around, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Yoongi shouldn't tell him. He can't.

"Tell me! What do you mean I shouldn't be here?! I live here!! With you! I thought-" His tears spill over. "Don't you love me anymore?" His voice is so pained. Yoongi's eyes widen. He feels so selfish, and disgusted with himself. He wraps his arms around Jungkook.

"I'm sorry, bunny, I'm so sorry. Hyung is here. I love you always."

"You can't keep pushing me away!" Jungkook's shoulders are shaking; Yoongi nods and hugs him tighter. He holds Jungkook in his arms. It feels like an illusion so solid, Yoongi feels it in vivid sharp detail. “It hurts, you’re hurting me.”

"I won't let you go, I'm sorry," he whispers.

It's definitely selfish. Not to tell Jungkook about the accident. To hold Jungkook in his arms, even though he doesn't deserve it. It's selfish, but Yoongi decides not to care. He won't tell him.

He’ll settle for this, holding onto a dream that could evaporate into thin air at any moment.

***

Yoongi spends the weekend indoors. Jungkook stays by his side throughout. When Yoongi is on the couch, the younger boy would curl up in his lap and fall asleep. When Yoongi sits down to eat, he serves a plate for Jungkook too; he eats heartily like he always has. It's only when Yoongi is putting the plates away he sees that Jungkook's plate is untouched.

Yoongi doesn't let himself think about the technicalities of this whole thing. The how and the why. Really it's easier to accept that he's gone fucking crazy.

The scars aren't so bad, either.

They still make Yoongi feel a cold shiver run down his spine, and they still remind him vividly of the accident. But it's still Jungkook. His smile is just as innocent and beautiful, even with half his mouth burnt off. So Yoongi tries to train himself not to flinch when he sees Jungkook.

It's hard and Jungkook notices Yoongi's strange actions; he seems to get self conscious.

This morning Yoongi had walked in on Jungkook staring at his reflection. He had looked confused, because of course he couldn't see the burns. He watches Jungkook open a small bag filled with makeup. He pats on foundation and puts on eyeliner, tilts his head at his reflection, inspecting his face closely.

Yoongi's eyes water and he turns away.

Several minutes later Jungkook emerges. He's fidgeting nervously. Twirling his fingers through his hair. Jungkook sits down at the far end of the couch.
"Jungkookie." At the mention of his name, he sits up straight, and turns his whole body to face Yoongi.

"You look really pretty."

Jungkook's smile is shy. He looks down as if to hide how bright it is, but Yoongi still sees the smile. It's too beautiful to hide, it makes his heart lurch. He reaches out to Jungkook and tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. His hair is getting longer and curlier.
He holds Jungkook's gaze, filled with adoration and love.

That night, Jungkook suggests something that makes Yoongi stiffen. He curls up to Yoongi, and nuzzles his face into Yoongi's neck, breath hot on Yoongi's skin. His fingers dance lightly over Yoongi's torso. Yoongi lays very still, and Jungkook seems to take that as his cue to continue, because soon he's pressing kisses on Yoongi's collar bones, kissing lower, and then he straddles Yoongi's waist. Yoongi’s heart races, although he’s not sure if it’s due to fear or pleasure. The two contrasting emotions seem to get mixed up a lot wherever Jungkook is concerned.

Yoongi holds his breath; Jungkook smiles mischievously.

"Hyung, can we-"

"Jungkookie, I – don't think that's a good idea."

Yoongi sits up and tries lifting the boy off him. Jungkook pouts and whines petulantly.
"But Yoongi-"

"No." Yoongi says it firmly. Hurt flashes in Jungkook's face and Yoongi internally curses himself. He hates himself each time he hurts Jungkook like this.

"...why?"

Jungkook's voice is so meek, Yoongi is tempted to pretend he never heard it, but he did. Jungkook's eyes hold Yoongi's tightly, expecting an answer, an honest one. Yoongi doesn't know why, though. He can't explain why.

"It's just not a good idea. I'm sorry."

"Hyung you've changed – I don't know what's wrong with us."

Yoongi feels panic rise in his guts; how does he explain this? How does he tell Jungkook? Why does he even have to? He knows he can't keep this going, it feels so temporary and brittle, like holding a snowflake in the warmth of your palm. You can only admire it for so long before it melts away. Yoongi doesn’t want this to melt away, he’s almost grown accustomed to not being alone anymore, to having even the phantom of Jungkook next to him, that the thought of losing it sends a sharp throb to his chest. He touches Jungkook's chest, solid, warm and real underneath his touch.

"I have changed – I know I've changed, a lot. Because I – I lost you. Jungkookie, I lost you for so long and I missed you, I never thought I'd see you again – technically I shouldn't even be able to." He chuckles without humor.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" Jungkook pushes off the bed and gets to his feet. He looks so frustrated, and Yoongi holds his hands up to calm him down.

"Jungkook-ah, look, I should have told you before but it's – it's very hard."

"...Are you breaking up with me?" Jungkook says with narrowed eyes.

"What? – No, that's not – look this isn't real, you're not really here right now."

Jungkook makes a face at Yoongi; clearly he doesn't believe a word Yoongi is saying.

"I mean, you're dead. Jungkook, you died."

There are so many better ways of breaking news like that to someone; an entire book series could be written explaining how to inform someone of their current non living state. The way Yoongi just said it is probably last on the very long list of ‘How to gently tell a person they’ve become deceased’. His phrasing is offensive and lacks any kind of tact. Jungkook, understandably, looks outraged.

He scoffs and rolls his eyes; Yoongi stands up, too, and slowly approaches Jungkook. He tries to hug him but Jungkook moves away, throwing Yoongi's arms off him.

"Don't touch me, Yoongi! You're just – you're making up random shit to avoid talking to me seriously?! What is wrong with you?!"

Yoongi is left speechless. Jungkook leaves the room and slams the door behind him.
Yoongi sighs and falls back on the bed; where Jungkook had been a few moments earlier is cold, like he was never there at all.

***

The next day Jungkook is pointedly ignoring Yoongi. He curls up by himself on the armchair even though he usually sits on the couch next to Yoongi. He refuses to eat and avoids Yoongi's attempts at conversation.
This is honestly worse than him not being here at all.

"Jungkook-ah?"

Jungkook sniffs and faces the wall, arms crossed.
"Hey, I was thinking. What if we went out somewhere together? Get some food."

Jungkook perks up. "Like a date? A dinner date?" Yoongi smiles and nods. Jungkook jumps up, suddenly all excited and happy.

It takes Jungkook almost an hour to get ready; he comes out wearing his favorite pair of jeans and a nice sweater. Yoongi can see he’s put on makeup again. The foundation on his burnt scars does a poor job of covering it up, it discolours the scarred tissue, making it look a bit worse, but Yoongi knows Jungkook can’t see the scars anyways, so when he tells Jungkook that he looks good Jungkook beams at him and places a wet kiss on Yoongi’s cheek that makes him blush.

Yoongi thinks he does look pretty, despite the scars that deform his face – his beauty shines through, but they're still a painful reminder to Yoongi, a reason why he can't pretend the accident never happened.

They take a cab, Jungkook says the address of a Japanese restaurant that they've been to many times before. Yoongi repeats it for the cab driver staring at him expectantly.
Jungkook curls up next to Yoongi. Yoongi's heart shatters a bit more. He doesn't want to hurt Jungkook, he'd never want that, but he thinks it's important that Jungkook knows the truth. Now his unease comes from the fear that Jungkook will resent him when he finds out.

When they get out of the cab, it's drizzling. Jungkook hurries inside the restaurant, avoiding the cold rain. Yoongi follows him in.

"How can I help you?" The Maître D’ smiles at Yoongi.

"I have a reservation? Under Min Yoongi?" She glances down at her book and then smiles wider.
"Of course, a table for two, Min Yoongi-ssi. Right this way." She leads them to a table at the far end, hidden from prying eyes. Yoongi would rather not be seen talking to himself in public. When they're seated, Jungkook leans over the table.

"I think she likes you." Yoongi raises a brow in question.

"She literally only talked to you." Jungkook flutters his lashes comically. "Min Yoongi-ssi, right this way." He makes kissy faces and Yoongi can't help laughing; he looks around to make sure no one is looking. Jungkook smiles at Yoongi and the feeling of guilt returns. He's going to do it. He'll tell Jungkook everything. Jungkook picks up the menu, reading through the choices.

"Hyung, they don't have Soba noodles anymore?" He frowns in confusion. "The whole menu is different, wow." Yoongi doesn't answer; of course the restaurant has changed the menu, it's been half a year. Jungkook doesn’t know that. When Jungkook seems to decide on something, Yoongi waves the waiter over.

"I'll have one bowl of Udon noodles and rice. Hyung, what do you want?"

Yoongi opens and closes his mouth; the waiter waits for him to speak.

"Uhh, two bowls of Udon noodles and rice? And for drinks-"
"I think I want a cocktail but I don't want to get drunk." Jungkook hums thoughtfully, looking at the drinks section of the menu. "Are your cocktails very strong?" Jungkook asks the waiter; the waiter doesn't acknowledge the younger at all, instead he gives Yoongi a barely concealed frown. He's probably getting impatient waiting for Yoongi to continue his order.

"Uhh, I–I mean, what cocktail would you recommend that isn't very strong?"

"Well, we have-"

"You know what? I'll just have orange juice." Yoongi glares at Jungkook.

"-most of our cocktails aren't strong at all unless it's specifically requested -"

"Actually, sorry. I'll have orange juice – two, please." Yoongi smiles apologetically and the waiter purses his lips. Jungkook smiles at the waiter, who doesn't even look his way.

"Gosh, what was that guy's problem? Rude." Jungkook frowns and Yoongi leans back in his chair. He feels hot suddenly. He wipes his brow and takes a deep breath.

"Jungkook, I think we need to talk."

Jungkook sits up, his eyes widen – at least one of them does – and Yoongi sees the nervousness in his features.

"That's – a very serious way to start a conversation," he says, keeping his gaze on the table. His fingers idly playing with the cutlery.

"I know, I'm sorry. Just let me talk, okay? This is hard to say, so let me finish please." Jungkook nods, and this time it's Yoongi who feels nervousness take over him. This is it. He has to say it now. Everything. He's never talked about it with anyone before and he can feel the heavy weight in his guts somehow grow heavier.

"6 months ago, we were together, we were fine. I-I had never been happier. I had you, and I loved you so much, Jungkook. It felt like a dream, the fact that you loved me back, it's all I ever wanted. You were everything to me." His breath comes out shaky, he's a second away from crying. But it doesn't stop him, he has to continue. "There was an accident – it was an accident, I know, but I still feel it was my fault."
Each word makes Yoongi's throat constrict just a bit more; it's so hard to keep talking, and yet he knows he has to, he owes it to Jungkook and himself to finally say all this.

"It's been on my mind, I keep replaying every little detail of that day, figuring out, w-what I could have done differently, what I could have changed. I keep thinking if only I had gotten that faulty switch fixed earlier that – the fire wouldn't have started, that I wouldn't have – lost you."

Jungkook's mouth parts on a silent gasp, he looks horrified and confused, his eyebrows scrunched up in a scowl but he doesn't speak. He stares at Yoongi with a myriad of emotions taking over his features, barely concealed.

"6 months ago, you died. Jungkook-ah. This – you, it's not real. You're not real," he finishes and looks at Jungkook with a hopeful look in his eye. He's not sure what he's hoping for – forgiveness? Understanding? But nothing happens.

Jungkook has tears in his eyes, but his gaze is hard when he glares at Yoongi.

That's when the waiter returns; he places the bowl of noodles in front of Yoongi and Jungkook. He gives Yoongi a puzzled look and then glances at what must be a vacant seat to him. Yoongi is sure the waiter thinks Yoongi is crazy.
Well, Yoongi knows he is.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Jungkook says, his voice is calm. Although from the way he's panting it's obvious he'd rather be screaming.

"Jungkook-ah, don't get angry. I'm really trying to make you see, it's the truth. If you’d just think about it i know you’ll realize it too."

"What the hell do you mean? of course I'm real?! I-I'm here! With you, I'm real." Jungkook points at his chest, his voice rising in volume, just as his panic seems to rise as well.

"I want you to be real, I wish – God, Jungkook, I wish this was real, but it's just not. No one else can see or hear you, I'm just going nuts." Yoongi reaches forward to take Jungkook's shaking hands but the boy yanks them away from Yoongi's reach.

"Y-you don't want me?! Is that why you're making up this nonsense?" Jungkook's tears fall freely now; he looks at Yoongi with so many emotions, each one tears through Yoongi's soul. He realizes he might be crying, too, and maybe some of the other patrons at the restaurant are staring now. Staring at the wack job crying alone.

"Jungkook, please-"

Jungkook doesn't say anything; he gets up and storms towards the door. Yoongi follows.

Maybe he's too slow in following Jungkook outside, maybe Jungkook is too fast, but by the time Yoongi is out of the restaurant he hears Jungkook scream. A terrified scream that fills Yoongi's veins with ice.
He didn't run far but Yoongi is panting heavily from the adrenaline that courses through him. Jungkook is crouched in the middle of the street, cowering from the car that just – passes right through him.

Slowly Jungkook blinks his eyes open, stares down at his body in disbelief. Then he looks up and flinches just as a truck drives through him. He looks shocked and confused, his knees buckle and he falls down onto the road in a heap. His tears are still steadily flowing but now his chest rises and falls, Jungkook stares in panic at each car that zooms through him. He flinches violently each time the car is about to go through him.

A heartbreaking wail rips through Jungkook's throat as he clutches at himself. Pulling at his hair, his clothes, making sure that he's there, that he's real, even as he realizes that maybe he's not.

"Hyung!" The boy calls for Yoongi, that's enough to make Yoongi's frozen feet move again. "The cars – something's wrong. What's going on?!" Jungkook's cries get louder but no one turns. No one notices the boy falling apart, except Yoongi.

He runs to the street, holding his hands out to slow the car approaching. There's a chorus of angry horns from angry drivers and Yoongi bows in apology; he holds Jungkook's hand and pulls him away. Jungkook holds Yoongi's hand so tight, Yoongi's fingers start going numb, but he lets Jungkook. He knows the boy needs it, he needs to feel solid.

They walk home. Jungkook stares at his feet and hides his bigger frame behind Yoongi. He tries not to let any of the people passing by touch him. They pass a dog on the way; normally Jungkook would have gone to play with the little pup, but now he flinches away when the dog runs around too close to him. Occasionally, Jungkook would call out Yoongi's name softly and when Yoongi answers, Jungkook would sigh in relief.

When they get home, Jungkook is still silent, his tears haven't stopped and his shoulders are shaking. He stares down at his hands with a look of shocked disbelief. He's had the whole walk here to think about what to tell Jungkook, but he still doesn't know, so he stays silent.

He takes Jungkook's hand in his and leads him to the bedroom; the second they're both lying on the soft mattress, Jungkook curls up against Yoongi. He presses his face to Yoongi's neck and Yoongi can feel the hot tears on Jungkook's cheeks. They fall on his own skin and it feels like acid to Yoongi. Jungkook's pain hurts him so much, he wants to scream.

Yoongi doesn't think either of them falls asleep, he doesn't think they could even if they wanted to. Hours later, when the sky is covered in black and the streetlights outside seep through the windows, Jungkook finally talks.

"It's true?" His voice cracks and is barely audible."I'm not – not real?"

Yoongi doesn't answer immediately, he still isn't sure what to say.

"I feel real, I feel – Yoongi, I feel...like me. How can I just – not be real?" Jungkook's voice is pleading for something – for Yoongi to say something maybe.

"I don't know, you shouldn't be real, I don't think you are, maybe not human but – I don’t know, Jungkook, I’m sorry. But – this," he leans forward and kisses Jungkook's forehead, "this feels real."

Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut so tight, his nose scrunches up when he sniffs. He’s afraid but still trying to force on a mask of bravery.

"I died, though."

As if on cue, Yoongi's heart aches. The memories flood his mind again, and it's like he's drowning in his mind.

"You did."
Jungkook doesn't say more. He keeps his eyes closed and he squeezes Yoongi in a tight hug as they lie down together.

***

The next day Yoongi wakes up alone, which, recently, is an unusual event. He rolls out of bed a bit disoriented and dizzy, a result of not enough sleep probably. He looks for Jungkook in every room of the small apartment; when he doesn't find him anywhere he feels panicked. He can't be gone. Yoongi scrambles to put on a coat and his shoes, he needs to find him – he pulls open the door and Namjoon is standing there. He is startled for a moment, but then he gives Yoongi a warm dimpled smile.

"Yoongi! Hi, I was just-"

"Sorry, Namjoon-ah, I have to go, can we talk another time?" Yoongi moves to push past Namjoon who doesn't move away.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm just – I'm looking – I mean, I'm late for something, I'll call you later!" He starts leaving again, but Namjoon holds his wrist.
Namjoon wouldn't be Namjoon if he simply let Yoongi go.

"I can help you then, I'll drive you."

He spins around with a glare but then he looks behind Namjoon – Jungkook is there. The boy is in his big yellow hoodie standing on the balcony. Without saying anything to Namjoon, Yoongi's feet move him to Jungkook. He walks slowly, cautiously, ignoring Namjoon's confused questions.

Jungkook looks back at Yoongi. There aren't any tears in his eyes, but Yoongi almost wishes he was crying. He knows how to deal with tears – he doesn't know how to deal with how empty and dead Jungkook's eyes are right then, how hollow his smile is; he looks as lifeless and dead as he should be in reality.

Jungkook closes his eyes.

Yoongi comes closer, so close, but not close enough to pull Jungkook away from the ledge before he jumps.

Yoongi screams and dives over the rail, watching Jungkook fall. Namjoon is yelling something, pulling Yoongi back inside the apartment.
Yoongi is panting, staring at Namjoon with wide, crazed eyes.

"Jungkook," he says between the heaving of his chest. Namjoon's face crumples; he hugs Yoongi so tight, a couple of his ribs are at risk of cracking.
"No, no, no, no. Hyung, please, I thought you were better-"
Yoongi shakes his head vigorously, pulling away from Namjoon.

"Not me, I'm fine. I'm fine, but – Jungkook is – he's…" He runs to the rail and looks down, but he can't see him anywhere.

In truth, Yoongi's heart feels like a rock in his throat. He's not sure how he's breathing; the breaths somehow squeeze past his throat painfully and he's a second away from screaming because it hurts so much. Jungkook's smile before he jumped is pasted in his mind and now he can't see him anymore.

Namjoon holds his hand and guides him inside. He puts him in bed and makes him food. A couple of hours later Yoongi is still sitting there; he still feels numb, the food Namjoon gave him sits heavy in his stomach, he's not even sure what it was.

"You should take a shower or a bath." Namjoon suggests and Yoongi grunts, but doesn't move. His eyes are trained on the other side of the bed – Jungkook's side. Namjoon sighs and stands up, he enters the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later. He takes Yoongi's hand, pulling him off the bed. Yoongi pulls his hand away.

"Go home, Namjoon-ah. I'll be fine."

"Bullshit!" Namjoon's voice is angry. "You're the furthest thing from 'fine' ever possible! You're – would you at least look at me? I'm talking to you!"

Yoongi's eyes snap to Namjoon, who is standing at the foot of the bed, red in the face. There's hurt and anger on his face.

"Yoongi, talk to me. Don't say you're fine, it's obvious you're not." Namjoon moves to sit next to him on the bed. "What the hell was that on the balcony?" he asks.

Namjoon looks scared. He’s thinking the worst.

"I just – I thought I saw something. But it’s gone. I wasn’t trying to..." he doesn't finish the sentence, he can't.
"You saw something?"

"It was nothing, I was wrong." He smiles and stumbles out of the bed. Yoongi closes the door behind him just in case Namjoon insists on coming in with him.
He strips and steps into the bath that's been drawn for him. The water is scalding hot, just the way Yoongi likes it. Bubbles rise from the tub; Namjoon must have put in a bath bomb. The thought makes the familiar feeling of guilt rise in him. Namjoon is too good. He doesn't deserve to be stuck in Yoongi's shit. He sinks down enough to be completely submerged in the water. Underwater his tears won’t pour and his screams can’t be heard. He stays like this till his lungs burn.

When it’s too much he rises to the surface quickly and swallows down gulps of air. There's not a sound to be heard besides Yoongi's laboured breathing; it's in the silence of the bathroom that he feels it, a light brush of fingers in his hair.

Yoongi sighs and releases a breath.

His eyes flutter open and Jungkook is staring down at him. Neither of them says anything – Jungkook pulls his clothes off and enters the tub with Yoongi. He sits on Yoongi's lap, resting his head on Yoongi's chest.

"I guess I really am dead," Jungkook says in a small voice.
Yoongi hums and kisses his forehead. Relief seeps into his whole body and he can't help the way he smiles down at Jungkook sweetly. Jungkook pouts and Yoongi smiles wider.

"You're here, Jungkook-ah, you're with me," he whispers into Jungkook's ear. Jungkook shivers and nods.

"Will you kiss me?" he asks uncertainly.
Now, there's nothing holding Yoongi back. He doesn't care about the scars, Jungkook knows now, they're together and nothing else matters. To answer, he presses his lips to Jungkook's.

Kissing Jungkook is different than he remembers, his lips feel different – although that might be because half of his lips are stretched in a scar that extends over the left half of his face. It still makes Yoongi's heart race like it used to, it still makes Yoongi want more.

A knock interrupts them; Jungkook pulls away but Yoongi chases his lips. Kissing him again, Jungkook whines in protest, but his hands slide up Yoongi's bare chest, clawing at the skin to get Yoongi closer. The knocking returns, more urgent. Yoongi curses a second before Namjoon bursts in.
Namjoon's eyes are wide as he looks around the bathroom – and Jungkook buries his face in Yoongi's neck even though Namjoon can't see him.

"Oh...Hyung. I just – I was just checking-"

"Checking to make sure I don’t fill the tub with blood instead of bubbles?" Yoongi says dryly. Namjoon's eyes widen and he shakes his head in a panic. Yoongi sighs, he holds Jungkook's waist under the water; when he smiles at Namjoon it's a genuine smile. It surprises Namjoon to see it.

"I'm sorry I worried you. Don't worry about me, Joon-ah. I'll be fine, I promise." Namjoon nods shakily, he stands looking a bit uncertain.

"Do you want to watch a movie? We could-"

"Just go home, Namjoon. I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow."

Namjoon leaves hesitantly. When he's gone Jungkook peaks at the door. He sniffles and tightens his hold over Yoongi's shoulders.

"Namjoon hyung can't see me? No one – no one knows?"

Yoongi nods, and Jungkook closes his eyes. He does it to hide the tears in his eyes but they fall past anyways. They stay in the tub until the water gets uncomfortable. Yoongi eventually urges the younger to rinse off so they can get changed.

He gives Jungkook food to eat but the boy refuses it, he offers they watch a movie together but Jungkook declines.

It's late at night when Jungkook says something.

"I want to see, I think I need to see what happened."

Yoongi turns to face the boy with a frown.

"You want to see what?"

"You said there was a fire."

Yoongi's eyes widen and his face goes grey. He shakes his head and gets to his feet. Jungkook's hand shoots out and grips Yoongi's wrist tightly.
"Why the fuck would you want to see that? Jungkook, no. I won't take you back there."

Jungkook lashes out at Yoongi. "I need to see it! I don't remember anything! Suddenly I'm dead apparently and no one can see me! It's not fair!" He has tears on his cheeks, but his face is twisted in such anguish Yoongi's heart hurts all over again.

"Jungkook, I know it's not fair but, where we lived – it's all just ash and painful memories. Why do you want to remember that? I’m trying to protect you."

Jungkook says nothing for a few moments, and then he whispers, "If I remember, maybe I can understand it. You don’t have to protect me."

Yoongi agrees; of course he does.

That's how they find themselves standing in the wreck of their old home. It used to be a small bungalow at the edge of the city, a bit out of the way, but they had both loved it. It used to be their home, a shelter for their love and memories together, but now it's a wreck. The whole structure burnt down. The fire had been extensive.

Jungkook is standing in the rubble and looking around. Yoongi watches him carefully, waiting for something to happen. But Jungkook is silent.

Yoongi speaks up after the silence has grown too thick. "The fire department said it was an electrical malfunction, it spread to every room before it got to the master bedroom. There was no chance of an exit, but you must have tried – tried to escape somehow. One of the supporting beams of the house fell on your head and… that's – that's how."

Jungkook winces; he takes a few shaky breaths and walks further away from Yoongi. Yoongi stays a few steps behind, giving him the space he needs but also keeping an eye on him. Jungkook crouches down and his hands pick up something from the burnt rubble.

It glints in the dark and Yoongi can see it's just a shard of a broken mirror.
This time, when Jungkook looks at himself, he can see it – he sees the burns on his face. In disbelief he touches his skin, fingers shaking as he sees his reflection.
"W-what is that? How-" His breaths become irregular and panicked. Yoongi moves forward to hold him or just comfort him in any way he can.

An ear splitting scream that no one but Yoongi can hear rings out in the night. Jungkook throws away the shard. His hand covers his face, he looks around panicked searching for something. Yoongi rushes to his side and clutches Jungkook's shoulders, trying to calm him down.

"My face – something is on it, my face, it's -" He rubs at the burns, and the burnt skin peels off at the violent treatment. Yoongi holds Jungkook's wrist tightly, but Jungkook is stronger. He uses his nails and scratches at his face, scraping the scars till they bleed under his hands.

"Stop! Jungkook! Don't!" he cries louder.

"The fire! Hyung it's – everywhere. I ca-can't breathe!"

Yoongi is scared and he just doesn't know what to do.

"There's no fire anymore, you're okay. You're with me, we're together now, baby. It's just me, you're okay!"
Jungkook can't hear him, he's still screaming. He screams till he passes out.

***

Yoongi rubs his hands together to warm them up; the crisp February air brings with it a chill that makes Yoongi shiver. He'd taken off his jacket and folded it up into a makeshift pillow for Jungkook's head. The boy is too heavy for Yoongi to carry and he can't leave him here.

"Jungkook-ah, wake up…" he says to no one. Jungkook's brows are pinched and he looks upset even in his unconscious state. The skin on the left side of his face is still raw and bleeding. Yoongi doesn't touch it.

About an hour later, someone comes by. A truck carrying a group of workers working on clearing the wreckage. The truck pulls up a few meters away from where Yoongi sits cross legged over Jungkook like a loyal guard dog. The workers empty out of the truck and stare at Yoongi. No doubt he looks lost and crazy.

"Excuse me, we need you to move. We're working on clearing this place out," the man says, he's taller and older than Yoongi. Yoongi should listen, but he glances down at Jungkook and then up at the man before he says,

"No."

The man frowns in confusion at Yoongi’s curt reply.
"I can't move yet. Just – just come back in a bit." From the way he scowls in response it's clear that he thinks Yoongi is fucking with him.

"We have to work here, we're only allowed to work early in the morning and it's 5 am. Please move."

Yoongi groans and turns away from the man. "I can't, move." The man turns back to his coworkers looking flabbergasted. When he turns back to Yoongi he frowns in anger.
“Something wrong with your legs, boy?!” Yoongi bites his lip and crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back to cover Jungkook protectively. Fuck, Yoongi definitely seems like a stubborn asshole right now.

"Just get up, boy." He moves to grab Yoongi's arm, but Yoongi flinches away.
"Stop! I cant – leave him!"
The man's frown deepens, he looks around.

"What the fuck? Are you on drugs?"

"Look, just get out of here." Two other men have come up to Yoongi. While he's sitting down like this, shielding Jungkook's still unconscious body with his, the men tower over him. All three of them look angry.

"I'll leave, but not-"

"Just fucking move!" Two of them grab each of Yoongi's arms roughly. Panicking, he looks behind him at Jungkook. With a groan, he starts fighting against their hold.

"You don't understand!! Just – fine, fuck! Fine! Just let me go!!" He yanks his arms out of their tight grip. They're all staring at him. Even the men unloading equipment from the truck are staring and Yoongi takes a deep breath, his face flaming, but he walks back.

He picks up his jacket and puts it on; they're still staring, a few whispering.
Then Yoongi bends down and circles his arms over Jungkook and picks him up. Half the younger's body is dragging on the uneven floor but Yoongi still carries him. The men stare after him as he slowly walks away from them, grunting under the heavy weight. They're all freaked out and maybe even a little afraid.
"What kind of joke is this?!" one of them yells. Yoongi bites his tongue; how the fuck can he explain what he's doing right now?

"I'm leaving, isn't this what you wanted?"

He hopes they don't call the cops or a mental asylum. He looks like a nutcase. The men still whisper as he leaves.

Yoongi drags Jungkook's body along the road. There aren't any cabs around at this time and Yoongi's back aches from the exertion. For a ghost Jungkook is fucking heavy.

"Hyung?" he hears after 20 exhausting minutes.

"Jungkook! Thank God." Yoongi's hold falters and they both fall to the road. He curses under his breath.

"Where are we?"

"No fucking clue," he says, stretching out on the hard gravel. He hears his shoulder pop. Half of Jungkook's body is resting on top of him. His head is propped on Yoongi's stomach.

"Yoongi."

"Mmhm?"

"We're lying down on the road."

"Yeah." Neither of them moves, though; Yoongi's fingers find their way into Jungkook's long hair instead.

"Did you see – is it still there?"

Yoongi doesn't have to ask to know that Jungkook is referring to the burns on his face. "Yes," he says simply.

"Do you want to break up with me because I look hideous?"
Yoongi can't help laughing. "No."

"Not even for the fact that I'm literally a ghost?"

His smile fades and he feels his heart harden. "Not even then."
The words feel like a promise, like unknowingly, Yoongi has made a decision.

Jungkook sighs in content. And it's enough for Yoongi to smile.

***
When they're home and curled up in bed together, Jungkook isn't crying anymore. He's smiling. And it's enough for Yoongi.
When they're eating together, Jungkook declares he's going to feed Yoongi. Jungkook's giggles bounce around the kitchen whenever he moves the spoon out of Yoongi's opened mouth. And it's enough for Yoongi.

That night, Jungkook has a nightmare. He wakes up screaming and crying. His eyes are panicked as he looks around him, it takes Yoongi a long time to remind him, he’s not on fire. To convince him he’s safe. It takes even longer for the shaking to stop.

The nightmares come every night, they visit Jungkook and plague his mind. Yoongi holds him each time.
“Don’t you blame me for it?” he says one night; Jungkook is holding a juicebox to his chest, his eyes still red rimmed.

“It was an accident.” He shrugs.

Yoongi doesn’t believe him, and he tells him as much. Jungkook’s lips quirk in a small smile devoid of any humor.

“I don’t blame you for the fire, it wasn’t your fault.”

These are the words that should have lifted a heavy burden off Yoongi’s chest, they’re what he’s wanted to hear from Jungkook for months, but somehow he feels heavier after hearing them.

“I just hate that I was alone, when-” Jungkook sniffs and presses his lips together. Yoongi leans forward unconsciously, holding his breath.

“I wish you had died with me.”

Yoongi’s eyes widen in shock. Jungkook’s slide shut and he shakes his head; he gets up and leaves the room, leaving yoongi to stare after him.

***

Yoongi's phone rings; he lets the battery die. He knows it's either Seokjin or Namjoon calling to check up on him. Jungkook rests his head on Yoongi's lap and the frown on his face slips off. And it's enough for Yoongi.

When the food runs too low, they go shopping together; Jungkook insists on coming along, although once they're out he shrivels up. He presses his body against Yoongi's side, his hood pulled low over his face. Yoongi holds his hand, even though the cashier looks at him strangely for the strange way he unloads the groceries and pays with one hand. But Jungkook squeezes his hand in gratitude and it's enough for Yoongi.

The days bleed together like that, there's not a single moment they're apart. Yoongi and Jungkook both seem intoxicated by the other. Jungkook's sleep is often interrupted by nightmares; he doesn't talk about them but Yoongi knows he remembers the fire, because when he wakes up he touches his face with a heaving chest.

"Why do you think it doesn't hurt? It's weird." Yoongi glances back at where Jungkook is holding up a hand mirror, staring at his scars.

"It's weird that you're dead and talking." Yoongi says with a shrug, Jungkook's face darkens.

"Don't say that."

"I shouldn't mention-" his words are abruptly cut off when Jungkook flings the hand mirror right at Yoongi's head. He misses, the mirror shattering on the wall above Yoongi. Shards of glass rain down over Yoongi, who is shielding his face with his arms. A few still nick him, though.

"Jungkook?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"Stop telling me I'm dead, I already know I am!" The glare on Jungkook's face twists it into a mask of fury that doesn’t suit him.

Yoongi heaves a deep sigh and brushes his arms, dislodging the small shards that have stuck to his skin. He can already feel his anger evaporating into nothing. He tries to hold on to it, to remember why he should be furious with the younger boy. The drops of blood beading off his skin should be an obvious first, but Yoongi finds, instead of the insults and outrage he ought to hurl at Jungkook, all that escapes his lips is a deflated, "I'm sorry."

Jungkook sniffs and storms off to the living room. He stays there for approximately ten minutes before he comes back with a pout. He flops down over Yoongi who dutifully holds him to his chest.

***

Days after on yet another lazy day spent cuddled up together in each other's arms, there's a knock at the door.
Jungkook stiffens. He looks at Yoongi scared. Yoongi kisses his forehead and moves to stand up, but Jungkook holds the sleeve of his shirt.

"Don't go."

"I'll be right back, baby, just stay here, okay?"

Jungkook shakes his head vigorously and pouts at Yoongi. "Please, stay. Don't leave me alone, hyung." As the words are said there's another knock, more urgent.

"I'll never leave you. I promise." He kisses the younger's cheek twice, before leaving in the direction of the front door.
He swings the door open just as Jin is about to start banging on it. Namjoon standing behind sighs in relief.

"What's up?"

"Fuck you." Seokjin declares before pushing in and standing in the middle of the messy living room, with his arms crossed over his chest. Namjoon slinks in afterwards.
"Nice to see you both-"

"Don't pull that bullshit on me, Yoongi, I swear." Seokjin's anger explodes, he begins anxiously pacing the living room.

"Yoongi, we were worried because-"

"-You won't answer our calls, it's been two weeks, Yoongi! Two!"

"We just wanted to-"

"-You had us worried sick! I'm fucking sick!"

Yoongi stares at both of them; both of them obviously concerned, but showing it in different ways. They're finishing each other's sentences like they used to, so maybe they're finally dating, Yoongi thinks with a smile.

"You're smiling?!" Seokjin marches forward and Yoongi is sure the older man is about to strangle him; Namjoon holds him back with his arms around the elder's waist.

"Are you two dating?" he asks; Namjoon smiles dopily and Seokjin is definitely blushing, although he huffs. Yoongi feels happy for his friends. Although he's usually reluctant to show affection, he pulls them both into a hug.

"Oh," Namjoon says.

"I want both of you to be happy, you deserve it." Jin smiles and hugs him back.

"You deserve to be happy too," Yoongi hums and pulls away from the hug. They're both looking at him with matching smiles.

"Are you?" Namjoon asks, with a hopeful look in his eyes.

"I am," he answers with a wide gummy smile neither of them have seen in a while. From the bedroom Jungkook steps out, Yoongi's eyes fall on him. If possible his smile widens.

Namjoon and Seokjin move to the kitchen. Yoongi insists on making them coffee, he feels the need to show them that he's fine. They're both staring at him, waiting for him to fall apart. He puts on water to boil on the stove fire. Jin makes a joke about Yoongi getting an electric kettle, Yoongi hums distracted.

The fire heats up the kettle slowly, he spaces out. Staring at the open flame, it looks different than it does in his nightmares, less scary he supposes. The flames lick at the iron kettle, Namjoon and Seokjin bicker in the background, the water starts boiling.

He can feel Jungkook press behind him, although he doesn't look away from the fire. They’re both staring at the fire now the water is bubbling. It's ready.

Yoongi reaches out, absentmindedly, still in a trance, he touches the kettle. The heat burns him and he flinches immediately – and then presses his hand on it more firmly.

It hurts, it hurts so much but he doesn't move away. Jungkook hooks his chin over his shoulder, and they're both staring – staring at Yoongi burning himself. He holds his hand there for five, four, three, two, seconds until the pain is too much and Yoongi is about to scream –

"Yoongi?"

Yoongi spins around with a smile, Namjoon and Seokjin blink in confusion, the concern back on their faces. He's panting and the smile is shaky and looks closer to a grimace than an actual smile.

"Do you guys want sugar in your coffee?" he asks. Jungkook is staring at him with a satisfied smile. Yoongi hides his burnt hand behind his back as they all drink from cups of coffee.

It's while he's struggling to hold a mug with his left hand that Yoongi wonders why he did it. Why he couldn't look away, why he couldn't stop. Jungkook is staring at him, in a way that makes goosebumps rise on his skin. His hand is throbbing, it hurts so much he's sure it's already formed into ugly red blisters. More than the pain, what occupies Yoongi's mind is Jungkook's pleased smile – the smile that's still plastered on the boy's face.

Jin opens his fridge to inspect that Yoongi has enough food; he also sees the carton of banana milk in the fridge and gives Yoongi a concerned look. He shrugs and thankfully Jin let's it go.

They both talk, Yoongi listens. He glances a few times at Jungkook, who is seated beside Yoongi. Jungkook has stopped glancing at them, waiting to be noticed in some way. Instead his full attention is turned to Yoongi. It makes him blush.

He moves closer to Yoongi, his face pressed into Yoongi's neck. Yoongi fights to keep a straight face when Jungkook starts peppering small kisses along his jaw. He squeezes Jungkook's knee with his left hand in a silent warning.

"The kids are doing amazing, I'm working with a new teacher. He's from Daegu like you, maybe you could come over for one of the performances?"

"Y-yeah, I could do that-" His voice sounds breathless, Jungkook is nipping and sucking at a spot he knows makes Yoongi weak in the knees.

"They can't see or hear me hyung," Jungkook whispers hotly in his ear. Yoongi bites his lower lip too hard; he should stop this, but he really doesn't want to. His hand is throbbing painfully and Namjoon is watching him carefully, he should not be letting Jungkook kiss his skin, he should definitely not be letting Jungkook's hands wander up his knee towards his crotch while his friends are right here.

"Namjoon and I really hope you make it, you should get out more-"

Jungkook's hand is rubbing at the front of his pants. Yoongi clenches his fists, forgetting the burns on his right hand; he has to bite his lip to stop himself from crying out at the sharp pain. But he still whimpers.

"Yoongi," Jungkook says before kissing his ear lobe; it's so hot Yoongi's eyes slide shut. "I can do anything to you, right here in front of them." The mischief in his voice is palpable. Yoongi can't even tell him off for it.

"Do you even know what they're saying?" Jungkook giggles, he presses down on the hard outline of Yoongi's cock and Yoongi's eyes fly open. He can hear the way his breaths sound just a bit heavier, the way his face looks a lot flushed. Namjoon sees it too.

"Yoongi, are you sick?"

Yoongi swallows the moan that almost rips out of him, Jungkook's ministrations are shameless and they make Yoongi feel wrong. He feels wrong for letting this happen.

"-Yoongi?" Jungkook slips his hand underneath the waistband of his pants.

Fuck.

"Yeah, I'm – I'm fine – No, I’m-" he takes a deep breath and hunches forward in an effort to hide his erection from the other two looking at him with worry. God, it's so wrong that they're worried about him and all Yoongi is thinking about is Jungkook's hand that's wrapped firmly around him. The shame makes the whole thing hotter, he realizes.

"Yoongi, are you-"

"No, I’m – I think I'm going to be sick, can you – I need–…"

"Yoongi you need what? What do you need?" Seokjin stands up and places what he thinks is a comforting hand on Yoongi's shoulder. Yoongi shies away from the touch, holding his hand up to push Seokjin away. That was a mistake, because now Seokjin sees the burns on his palms.

"Yoongi! Your hand! What –" he holds his wrist firmly, twisting it to see. Namjoon crowds next to him and it's all too much for Yoongi. He yanks his hand away and gets up shakily. He stumbles away and makes it to his bedroom. Seokjin and Namjoon try to follow, but Yoongi slams it shut once Jungkook slips inside.

He has a shit eating grin on his face. Yoongi pulls him closer with the front of his sweatshirt and presses their lips together in a forceful kiss. Jungkook pulls at the front of Yoongi's clothes in turn, almost desperately. Yoongi doesn't know how this hunger has built up, but suddenly it's overflowing. Pouring out of both of them and they can't seem to get close enough.

"Yoongi? Come on, what's going on?" come his friends concerned voices behind the door.

Jungkook drops to his knees in front of Yoongi and he damn near almost buckles at the knees.

"Answer them, you don't want to worry them do you?" Jungkook blinks up at him, the scarred side of his face covered with his long hair. With his burnt hand, Yoongi reaches down. Gently he tucks the hair behind Jungkook's ear. Jungkook looks at him and love shines through his eyes – and Yoongi knows his eyes are screaming the same thing.

"I'm good, I'm fine. I just need -" His breath stutters, the words getting lost when Jungkook licks up along the length of his cock. "I just need – to lie down for a bit."

"Are you sure you're-"

"-Yeah, I'm sure." He feels bad for the way he's treating his friends, he does – but a bigger part of him is more concerned with Jungkook's lips around his dick.

Maybe Namjoon and Seokjin leave afterwards, maybe they're still outside. But Yoongi stops holding back. He lets himself feel the full force of the pleasure Jungkook gives him. He tells Jungkook in explicit detail just how fucking pretty he looks with tears in his eyes and a cock in his mouth.

Jungkook thrives off it. He's always been enthusiastic about making Yoongi feel good with his mouth or his ass but right now, his movements are driven by more than lust. It's a thirst so intense he looks like he's trying to absorb Yoongi and fuse their bodies into one. Yoongi knows he wouldn't mind it.

He yanks Jungkook's hair to pull him off his cock. He curses at the pain that's still very present in his hand. Jungkook stumbles a bit when he stands up and kisses Yoongi.

"Hyung." His voice is a desperate plea. Yoongi would give him anything.

"I w-want you," Jungkook breathes out. Yoongi nods and kisses him again. They somehow collapse onto the bed. Jungkook clambers on top of him and their lips find each other's magnetically.

Neither of them cares about being careful.

"Do you think I still need prep?" Jungkook says when they pull apart for more than a second. Yoongi rolls his eyes at this.

"We're not skipping prep, Jungkook."

"I mean, you could just –" he grinds down on Yoongi's cock, making him groan. "Just slide right in."

"It doesn't work like that," he manages to say in between rolls of Jungkook's hips.

"Didn't know you were an expert in paranormal sex. Is there something you want to tell me hyung?"

"Shut up and take off your clothes."

Jungkook giggles and sits up. Pulling his sweatshirt over his head, his hair fluffs in a manner so adorable Yoongi bites his lip to stop himself from cooing. The pants follow afterwards and the playful teasing from before is forgotten immediately.

There's skin everywhere, their hands scrabble to touch as much as possible, their lips hurry to taste as much as possible. Yoongi has missed this. He doesn't know how he even thought he could live without this. He flips Jungkook so that he looks over him on the bed. The younger boy doesn't hesitate to spread his legs wide, it makes Yoongi shiver in pure want.

He kisses Jungkook's exposed chest, not as defined as it once was, but still pretty like the rest of him. With his lips and teeth Yoongi leaves a trail of hickies that trace down his chest, to his hips and then along the sensitive skin of his thighs. Jungkook's whines are loud, they make heat curl up in Yoongi's gut. He feels impatience tick away at him.

Jungkook is flushed and panting, staring up at Yoongi, Jungkook looks so beautiful – his long hair fanned out on the pillow like a mermaid's. His fingers trace light patterns on Yoongi's arms, then he holds Yoongi's hand. He flinches at the sting, the burns are still too tender to be touched. Jungkook doesn't let go, though, he squeezes Yoongi's hand. And smiles when he hisses in pain.

"Fuck, Jungkook-"

"Kiss me, hyung." He pulls Yoongi forward.

"Jungkook let go, it hurts," he manages to breathe out between hard kisses. Jungkook stares at him. The look in his eyes is almost blank, like he's considering whether or not to let Yoongi's hand go. He does let him go albeit very hesitantly. Yoongi cradles his hand; he should put some ointment of some sort on it. But there's many things Yoongi should be doing that he just doesn't care about. What he does care about – absurd as it seems – is going right back to kissing Jungkook.

And he does.

It soon proves to be a challenge to reach for the lube without disentangling Jungkook's grip on him. He tries to and Jungkook whines in complaint and so with a smile he moves back to the boy's lips. It's a torturous process. One that winds them both up in such a way that they're soon grinding their erections together desperately.

Yoongi gets the lube eventually, though, pulling away from Jungkook. He presses a light kiss on his cheek and moves back.
He tries not to stare at the sight of Jungkook like this; if he starts properly admiring every part of Jungkook that he finds beautiful, hours or a millennia would pass by, but neither of them have the patience for a millennia.
He pushes Jungkook's legs further apart. This time he admires the sight of Jungkook's strong thighs a bit.
He kisses along the skin; Jungkook's breaths sound a bit more heavy. His fingers find their way into Yoongi's hair and he tugs.

"Hyung, don't tease. Want it now."

"You have to ask nicely then." Jungkook's face turns into a peculiar mix between a scowl and a pout and Yoongi sniggers. He leans up and kisses his boyfriend. The first brush of his fingers against Jungkook's ass has him whining into the kiss. Without moving away he lubes up his fingers.
He has to use his left hand and his motions are a bit clumsier and lack finesse, but from the way Jungkook is panting, it doesn't seem like he cares so much.
Despite Jungkook's protests, Yoongi is careful when he preps Jungkook. He does it slowly and thoroughly, each finger pressing in and out continuously till Jungkook is practically sobbing against Yoongi's lips.
When he's convinced Jungkook is ready, he pulls out his fingers with an embarrassing squelching sound.

"Jungkook – you good?" he breathes out. His voice sounds strained even to his own ears.

Jungkook sighs blissfully, he spreads his legs even wider and reaches between them to guide Yoongi's dripping cock to his entrance. Yoongi holds his breath – they both do – he feels the way his length slowly pushes inside Jungkook. He doesn't know why everything feels like the first time – no, it all feels better – he doesn't know the full intensity of everything he feels but it's incredible. It's incredible when he finally moves inside Jungkook. And Jungkook hasn't stopped staring at Yoongi once. Their eyes are glued to the other's, and it's overwhelming.

Jungkook rolls them over with ease. He giggles at Yoongi's pout and bends down to kiss him. They're breathing each other's air as Jungkook rolls his hips over Yoongi's cock in a way that has him moaning loudly. Yoongi tries to kiss Jungkook's lips and misses and kisses his cheek. He continues kissing Jungkook's cheek, his eye and his forehead regardless of the burn scars; Jungkook's eyes are shining when he looks at Yoongi, with more than just tears.

"Hyung, I love you."

"Love you too, baby, always. Fuck – always going to love you."
Jungkook nods, frantically bouncing up and down on Yoongi with loud slapping sounds.
"Always, n-no matter what?" he pants.
"No matter what, baby." He grips Jungkook's waist. He looks perfect this way, bouncing on Yoongi's cock while tears stream down his face, Yoongi thinks to himself – maybe he says it out loud, because Jungkook whines and moves faster.

"I'm close, Yoongi-" Yoongi nods in understanding, he plants his feet into the bed and thrusts up. He times it perfectly, just as Jungkook comes down he thrusts up. Jungkook damn near screams.

Jungkook’s words come out garbled and barely intelligible. Yoongi is no better. His vocabulary has mostly been reduced to a mixture of 'fuck' and grunts and groaning.

"Baby wants to come?" He smirks up at Jungkook who nods repeatedly, pleadingly. Another time, Yoongi might have teased him a bit. But right now, he just wants to feel Jungkook come on his cock.
A few strokes of his cock is all it takes for Jungkook to fall apart, and barely a minute after, Yoongi follows suit. They're both panting; Yoongi's ears are ringing a bit. Jungkook's eyes are still shut, his hair is a mess over his face.
It takes them several minutes to come back down to earth. When they do, they hold each other. Jungkook has a satisfied smile on his face.

"You make me feel real, hyung," he whispers right before his eyes slip closed.
His breaths even out and Yoongi covers him with the sheets, arranging him on the pillows comfortably. His fingers find their home tangling through Jungkook’s damp locks of hair. Yoongi looks down at Jungkook almost reverently.

"You are real, Jungkook," Yoongi replies, although Jungkook doesn't hear; the boy is already engulfed in sleep.

***

"I'll protect Nezuko, no matter what! I'll get stronger and defeat Muzan Kibutsuji," the protagonist in the anime they're watching yells louder than is necessary. Yoongi makes a face; right next to him, Jungkook's reaction is quite different. The younger's eyes are wide in awe. He's clutching a pillow to his chest tightly. Yoongi can't help how fond he feels.

"Who is Nezuko again? His girlfriend?"
"No! His sister!"

"Didn't she turn into a demon?"

"She's a good demon, Hyung, pay attention!" Jungkook throws the pillow at his face and Yoongi laughs. He circles his arms around Jungkook's waist and proceeds to plant loud kisses all over his face.
"Yoongi! Get off! You weirdo!" Jungkook giggles in that way that Yoongi loves the most. He kisses him even more while Jungkook wiggles in his grasp.
“Why? Do you love Nezuko more than me?”

“Yes! Get off!” He yells in between shrieks of laughter; he actually doesn’t care about the anime, he just wants his boyfriend's attention. He gets it, when Jungkook wrestles him to the floor and then kisses him.

“Hey, Jungkookie.”

“Mmh?”

“Want to go out somewhere with me?” He noses at Jungkook’s neck. Jungkook underneath him stiffens.
“For groceries?” he asks cautiously.

“No, more like a date, for fun.”

“You know I don't like going outside.” He pouts at Yoongi, who kisses him again.

“I know, but I just thought you’d like to go to the dance studio again. Like you used to.” The glare that Jungkook shoots him is so intense it feels like all of Yoongi’s hair would simply fall off. Jungkook sits up and right before Yoongi’s eyes he curls in on himself, his shoulders rounded and his face turned away from Yoongi. When Yoongi tries to reach for him, he flinches.

“Don’t you understand why I d-don't want to leave? Can’t you figure out that much?” Jungkook’s voice falters as his eyes fill with tears.
“I know you’re afraid, Jungkook-ah, but I’m trying to make you see there’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m right next to you.”
Jungkook scoffs, his lips twisted into an angry smirk. Yoongi frowns, he’s not sure exactly what part is making Jungkook so angry. Frustration bubbles up inside him, which isn’t a very good thing because he’s sure he’ll say something dumb that will either anger his boyfriend more or hurt him – possibly both.

“I only exist around you! I’m only real because of you!” He points an accusing finger at Yoongi. “What happens if you suddenly can’t see me anymore?! What happens if – if you decide to move on?! What do I do?! What can I do without you?!”

Yoongi reaches for Jungkook, even though he fights in his grasp. Unlike the playful way he fought Yoongi’s embrace earlier, now he tries to shy away from Yoongi to protect himself from hurting. Like a wounded animal.

“Jungkook-ah, baby.” Jungkook sniffs, his lower lip wobbles and he bites down on it hard.

“I’m scared, too, fuck. I’m terrified. That I’m hallucinating all this, that you’re not really here or that you’ll vanish. I don't – want to go back to those months when I had to live without you.” He holds his hands over his lap. Looking down at them, he sees his hands are trembling, one of them clumsily wrapped around a bandage from the burns he’d given himself. He’s shaking like a leaf; now that he’s said the words it strikes him how true they are. For whatever supernatural reason he gets to have Jungkook again, he doesn't want to lose that – he can't.

A hand holds his; he looks up and Jungkook’s eyes are reassuring, calm. The boy smiles and Yoongi’s heart settles.

They’ll be fine.

***
Days later, Yoongi finds his phone from whatever corner he’d tossed it. He charges it and switches it on timidly. A barrage of missed calls and messages flood his notifications. He doesn’t care enough to read the messages, many of them are old. Instead, he dials Namjoon’s number. He answers on the first ring.
“Hyung? You’re calling?!”
“Yeah, I- sorry.” He decides an apology is all he can muster up; he can’t begin to come up with an excuse for being such a shit friend.

“What’s up?” he tries to say cheerfully.

“I- well. A lot, but I was trying to reach you because- well, Jeongyeon called me. You’ve missed three appointments?” His voice is a bit unsure and Yoongi curses. Fuck. He’d forgotten about his sessions.

“Yeah, Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Just go to her office tomorrow, okay?” He says it nicely, but Yoongi knows if he doesn’t turn up Namjoon will personally drag him to his therapist’s office by his hair.

“Thanks, Joonie. I’ll be there.”

“Hey, also. I was wondering if, you know. Maybe you’d like to stop by me and Jin’s place for dinner? After you’re done, if you’re not tired. I mean if you want to – you don’t have to-”

“Namjoon, shut up. I’ll be there.” He smiles endearingly. Namjoon is probably the only person on this planet that manages to sound a flustered mess even through a phone call.

“Great! Yeah! That would be, awesome.”

Yoongi hangs up before he can catch Namjoon’s awkwardness via telephone exposure.
As he hangs up, Jungkook circles strong arms around his waist. He nuzzles his face into the back of Yoongi’s neck.

“Come back to bed, hyung.”

How could Yoongi ever say no to that?

***

“If you don’t want to, you don't have to come.”

“Why don’t you want me to come?”

“It’s not that I don’t want you there, Jungkookie, you know that, I’m just trying to be considerate.”

“Well, consider this then: I don’t want to be alone without you.” He crosses his arms over his chest petulantly.

“Brat,” Yoongi says, kissing his pout away.

That’s how they make it to Jeongyeon’s office together. They’re late. Jungkook couldn’t decide on an outfit, it was either his lose hanbok pants or the pink hoodie. In the end he’d chosen the hoodie; it’s far too cold outside for anything light. Yoongi bites his tongue when he thinks ‘it’s not like anyone will see it anyways’.

He supposes in a way worrying about small details like whether the pink hoodie or the yellow sweater looks better gives Jungkook a bit of normalancy that he’s missed in some way. He wonders if Jungkook is really okay. If being a ghost to everyone except him is a painful burden to Jungkook. Jungkook had expressed fears that Yoongi would move on but in truth, it's the other way round. How long till Jungkook decides he’s sick of dawdling here in this shit world? How long till he moves on to whatever awaits every soul? A soul as pure as Jungkook's is definitely getting the very best the afterlife has to offer. So why is he still here? In what way is Yoongi enough?

“You look pretty in pink baby,” he says instead of spilling his heart out.
Jungkook giggles and runs ahead.

“Min Yoongi-ssi. This is a surprise,” Jeongyeon says when they come in; thankfully she opens the door wide enough for Jungkook to enter as well. Although the door would pass through his boyfriend, he knows Jungkook hates not being solid.

“We have an appointment. Wednesdays at five. I remember.” He smiles in a manner that he hopes is charming but from the way she purses her lips in distaste, it's clear he’s only offended her.

“You’ve missed three appointments, so it's a surprise to see you show up.” Instead of answering, he shrugs. She ushers him to the couch he’s very familiar with. Jungkook goes over to the shelf and plays with the ornamental dolls displayed there. Yoongi has always found them creepy.

“But really, Yoongi-ssi, it has been a while. Tell me what you’ve been up to the past three weeks. You look...better than when we last saw each other.”
Has it already been three weeks? It feels longer and shorter all at the same time. He’s lost for a moment, looking at Jungkook where he’s flipping through a book.

“I am better – much better – I think.” He can’t help smiling as he realizes it’s actually true. He feels better, happy even. Jeongyeon’s eyebrows raise and she nods encouragingly. Yoongi pauses; he can't exactly tell her about his ghost boyfriend, he’s not too fond of the idea of being shipped off to an asylum.

“You once told me that most people you meet have voids inside them, that – filling up the void with good things will make you get better.”

“And do you think you’ve found that? Something good?”

“Yeah. I found what I’ve always needed – I found it again.”

“Again?” Jeongyeon asks; she scribbles something down in a clipboard she appears to have procured from thin air. “An old hobby?”

“Uhh, yeah, I’ve started music again.” It's not really a lie; Yoongi considers the way Jungkook was moaning this morning while he ate him out music of the heavenliest form.

“And I cook, too.” He cooked Jungkook eggs this morning, although they burnt because they got distracted making out.

Jeongyeon looks at him a bit suspiciously, and scribbles on her clipboard a bit more intensely.
“Yoongi-ssi, we’ve been having sessions for quite some time. I think I know you at least a little bit by now.” She doesn’t look at him; she tucks her short brown hair behind one ear and purses her lips.

“Which is one of the reasons I know you’re saying all this because you think it's what I want to hear.”
Yoongi bites his lip a bit sheepishly; behind her, Jungkook is spinning around in Jeongyeon’s leather office chair. Yoongi can tell the boy is listening to the conversation with keen ears.

“It might be what you want to hear but they’re all true.” His smile is unconvincing.

His therapist sighs. She puts down her clipboard and gives him a look.
“I believe I once told you that ‘filling up the void with bad things will only make the void grow’.” She leans forward, Yoongi leans back.

“Yoongi, what you went through was a terrible, horrible thing. You came to me because you wanted to get better. What I see now is someone who’s given up trying.”

Yoongi can’t help that he rolls his eyes, he scratches his hair tugging at the strands. Jungkook has stopped spinning and is now tuned into the conversation completely, glaring at Jeongyeon.

“You think I’ve given up because I’m not fucking miserable anymore? A month ago I couldn’t close my eyes, I couldn’t eat. Fuck, I hated breathing, because even that felt painful. Weekly sessions here didn’t do shit to change that. I am better. Whether you approve or not, Doctor.”

Jeongyeon takes a deep breath and tries to put on a smile; it's a brave attempt to maintain a glimmer of professionalism but it fails magnificently.

“Just tell me this, Yoongi, what makes you think you’re better now?”

“What makes you think I’m not?” he counters childishly.
“You’re getting defensive.”

“Of course I’m fucking defensive! You’re interrogating me when you could fuck off and shove your nose into someone else’s business!”

Jeongyeon’s eyes flash in anger but she restrains herself – which is an admirable thing, because Yoongi is a second away from protectively hugging Jungkook in front of her and loudly declaring ‘he’s mine, I won’t let go of him!’

“Is there something you want to tell me?” She asks, and Yoongi has to laugh.

“There’s nothing I want to tell you. I’d rather leave if it’s all the same to you.”

“Pardon me, Yoongi-ssi. This might be a bold assumption to make, but...” She hesitates for a second before she sits up and raises her chin high. “I believe you think you’re better, but you’re very obviously not. Whatever you’ve used to fill this ‘void’, it’s consuming you. You’re deluding yourself. I just want to help-”

He scoffs loudly, cutting off her words. Yoongi is furious, but Jungkook behind her looks even more pissed. He’s seething. Eerily slow and quiet, he stands up and stands behind Jeongyeon; she sees Yoongi’s eyes fixed behind her and turns. She doesn’t see the burnt boy glaring at her, so she turns back to Yoongi.

“You’re distracted, irritable. This isn’t like you, Yoongi. You have to see that, you’re only going to get worse this way-” Her voice dies out in her throat.
Jeongyeon seems to be frozen still, the only movement is her chest steadily rising and falling quickly. Her eyes are wide and look at Yoongi in confusion. When she opens her mouth to speak – or scream – no sound comes out. Jungkook has a hand on her shoulder. He squeezes and Jeongyeon gasps. Her eyes look down at her own shoulder. Jungkook leans down to whisper something to her.

Yoongi doesn’t know if she hears Jungkook or not, but he stands up and puts on his thick coat.

“I have to get going now, Doctor, I might not make it for our next appointment. Hope that’s fine?”
Jeongyeon doesn’t answer; her mouth opens and closes a few times, but nothing comes out. Yoongi smirks at her before he circles his arms around Jungkook and shuts the door behind him.

***

“Yoongi?!” is the first thing Namjoon yells out, when Yoongi knocks on his door an hour later.

“You look surprised to see me, was I not supposed to come?”

Namjoon laughs nervously and then flings his long arms around Yoongi. Jungkook stands aside. He’s holding Yoongi’s hand in his tightly. Yoongi squeezes and Jungkook squeezes back.

“No, I’m just – so glad you made it.”
Yoongi pulls away and crouches down to take off his shoes. Namjoon runs inside, probably to tell Seokjin the marvelous news that Yoongi has made an appearance.

“Aren’t you taking off your shoes?” Jungkook pouts.

“Do I have to?”
“Take them off.” Jungkook groans but does so; it’s true that the younger doesn’t have to, of course, but Yoongi supposes even he enjoys the small touch of normalancy.

“Yoongi!”

“Yes, yes, I’m here!” He waves his – free – hand and gestures to himself. “Don’t wet yourself from the excitement.”

“I’ve changed my mind, get out,” Jin says, brandishing a spoon at him. Yoongi laughs and walks into the living area. The room is beautifully decorated, a simplistic modern design; he knows Namjoon had nothing to do with it, this is all Jin’s genius touch. Although the shelf flooded with books at the far wall is clearly a Namjoon feature.
“We weren’t sure you were coming, so we kind of invited a couple of other people.”

Yoongi raises his eyebrows and tries not to look queasy. It doesn’t work.
“They’re really nice! I promise! It’s the music teacher that works with Seokjin, you know the one from Daegu we told you about last time?” Yoongi doesn’t remember anything from that conversation for reasons sitting right next to him. Jungkook realizes this because he giggles.
“Don’t you remember hyung?” he says. Yoongi blushes.

“Yeah, he’s from Daegu, too, and he’s coming with his friend Hoseok. I think you might really like them.”

Yoomgi doubts that but nods indulgently. Saying no to Namjoon is like denying a puppy their favorite chew toy, he could do it but he’d be a complete and total asshole for it.

So they have dinner. Dinner is a grand affair, Seokjin seems to have wiped out their best dishes and cutlery just for the momentous event that is Yoongi acting like a person again. Mashed potatoes with several side dishes and a bottle of wine Yoongi knows is expensive.

Neither of his friends seem to mind, so Yoongi doesn’t say anything. He takes a seat at the end of the table so that Jungkook can sit at the head of the chair that’s empty.

“Seokjin hyung, do you mind setting up this spot, too? Sorry, it feels incomplete if it’s the only blank spot.” If Seokjin thinks this is a weird request, he doesn’t show it because he’s soon procured an extra plate and even cutlery to place in front of Jungkook. Jungkook beams at Yoongi.
“Thank you, Yoongi.”

Yoongi shrugs it off even as Jungkook moves closer to give him a sweet kiss on his cheek. He bites his lip to hide his smile.
That’s when the bell rings; Seokjin rushes off to get it. It must be the extra guests, Yoongi guesses.

“Taehyung is here!” Seokjin calls out excitedly from the direction of the doorway. A minute after, two people emerge into the dining area. First, it’s Seokjin leading the way like a gracious host, next is a tall man with shocking blue hair. He smiles at the room and even waves, too. His enthusiastic smile doesn’t dim even the slightest, considering Yoongi is a stranger to him. Yoongi smiles back politely.

“Hi, I’m Taehyung.” Taehyung offers a perfectly manicured hand adorned with nice rings for Yoongi to shake. Yoongi shakes his sparkly hand. Jungkook beside him squeezes his other hand – his burnt hand – painfully and Yoongi winces.

“You must be Yoongi. Jin-hyung never shuts up about you.”

Yoongi doesn’t know what to say in response, so he just smiles at Taehyung. For a moment he’s scared Taehyung will try to sit in Jungkook’s seat but by some miracle, the blue haired man sits right in front of Yoongi in the seat across.

When Yoongi looks, he catches Namjoon and Seokjin staring at him and Taehyung. He narrows his eyes in suspicion.

“The two of you can stop staring like creeps,” Taehyung hisses with a flush on his cheeks.

“We’re not doing anything.”

“Is Hoseok coming soon?”

“Hoseok?” Yoongi can’t keep the exasperated tone out of his voice. He’s already tired just from meeting one new person, he’s not so sure he can remain pleasant after two new meetings.

“Yeah, Hoseok is – he’s my friend. I’ve wanted to introduce him to you for a long while.” Namjoon smiles and his dimples pop out, he sounds a bit shy.

“I think the two of you would be great friends.”
This feels a lot like parents setting up playdates for their kids because they’re worried that they don’t get along with the other kids. The whole thing puts Yoongi in a foul mood. Jungkook next to him seems to mirror these sentiments exactly. He tugs Yoongi’s hand to get his attention.

Yoongi looks at Jungkook, just at Jungkook. He doesn’t conceal the expression on his face, he doesn’t care right now what the others might think if they see Yoongi staring at air lovingly.

The dining area falls silent at least to Yoongi’s ears. Maybe Seokjin is saying something to Taehyung but Yoongi doesn’t hear. It feels like he’s in another dimension and it’s just him and Jungkook here.

“Kiss me.” Jungkook says – demands.

Yoongi’s face breaks into a smile and he leans forward to comply. It’s when his lips just barely graze Jungkook’s that the front door opens loudly.
It’s soon followed by a loud voice and then a loud man comes in.
The man laughs loudly as he comes in wearing a heavy coat that he shrugs off.

“I’m late, I know! I got held up at the studio,” Hoseok, Yoongi surmises, says.
For the first time since his entrance he takes in the people in the room. Hoseok’s face splits into a wide smile as he takes in each person, he waves at Taehyung, blows kisses at Seokjin – who blows one back – he gives Namjoon a fucking brofist and then he strides to Yoongi’s seat with a hand extended for a handshake. Barely a second after, his bright smile fades. He stumbles to a stop and his hand falls to his side limply. His eyes are wide and staring at – Jungkook, Yoongi realizes with a start.

He looks at Jungkook in bewilderment, but the boy seems just as confused as he is. Can Hoseok see Jungkook?
Hoseok’s eyes turn to Yoongi's and Jungkook’s clasped hands. He looks at Yoongi in fear and pity.

The whole scene played out in seconds, but it's still long enough that the others look at them both in confusion.

“Hobi? What’s wrong?”

“I-I...” Hoseok looks at Jungkook with a look of nauseous fear. Besides the surprised shock, Yoongi feels anger boil up when Jungkook covers his face self consciously.

“I’m so sorry, Jin-hyung. I know I just got here, but I think I have to go.” Hoseok recovers smoothly, his smile is painted back on his face. Not a trace of the terror that had been there a second ago.

“Come on! What? We haven’t had dinner yet!”

“Hoseok-ah, what is it? I wanted you to meet-”

“Sorry about that, another time maybe.” Hoseok doesn’t look at Yoongi as he says this and he doesn't take his coat before he turns to leave the dining room. Yoongi follows after him without a second’s hesitation.
Hoseok walks fast, he’s already at the door, about to slam it closed, before Yoongi pulls the handle.

“Wait!” Hoseok stops although he doesn’t turn. His back is a tense line and Yoongi can see his fists clenched into fists beside him. “You can see him?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He still isn’t facing him. Yoongi curses loudly and roughly grabs Hoseok’s arm, spinning him around.
His mask of cheerful nonchalance has cracked showing plainly the full force of his fear.

“You saw him, next to me.” Hoseok lets out a breath shakily. He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. Yoongi feels the anger boil up again, this time he doesn’t swallow it down, he lets it spill.

“Cut the bullshit. I know you saw.”

“You cut the bullshit then, why the fuck are you keeping a – a ghost next to you?!” The shaking in his voice seems to shake his bones too, Yoongi can feel Hoseok trembling under the grip he has on his arm.
“And you brought him here?! To where Namjoon lives? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Hoseok glances behind Yoongi’s shoulder, scared that Jungkook will come.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Yoongi says defensively. Hoseok gives him an incredulous look.

“He’s dead!” he hisses in Yoongi’s face pulling his arm free of Yoongi.

“And so what?” Yoongi lifts his chin defiantly, somehow daring Hoseok to say anything about Jungkook. He’s not above punching him.
Hoseok stumbles back, shaking his head, his expression completely filled with pity. Yoongi hates him for it. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity, he has Jungkook with him – he has Jungkook and that’s all he needs.

“Listen to me, I – I don’t know you, but I know you’re Namjoon’s friend.” Hoseok holds Yoongi’s shoulders, his voice pleading. “You need to get away from it, you need to get away. This won’t end well for you, please.”

Yoongi is silent for a second and then two. Hoseok probably said the words out of kindness, but to Yoongi, they sounded like a fucking curse. Leave Jungkook?

What a load of bullshit.

He says it outloud for extra effect and Hoseok’s expression gets more desperate. He looks over Yoongi’s shoulder again.

“I’m serious! No ghost is fine being dead! He’ll want to hold onto you.”

“Good.” Yoongi steps back letting Hoseok’s arms fall off his shoulders. He slams the door closed on whatever Hoseok was about to say next. Turning around he sees Jungkook standing there.

Looking down at his feet, long bangs of hair covering his face. Yoongi strides towards him and cups his face.

He kisses him and forgets everything else.

***

They make it home and Jungkook tangles himself with Yoongi. That night they don’t sleep, they lose themselves in each others bodies again and again, in a desperate flurry of heat and passion driven by madness.

“They both said the same thing,” Jungkook says in the early hours of dawn.
Yoongi doesn’t ask who. “It doesn’t matter,” he says where he’s sprawled out under the covers. Jungkook looks at him with an unreadable expression.

“You’re my whole world, Yoongi.” He says it so sorrowfully, tears barely restrained in his eyes. Yoongi reaches for him and Jungkook falls to his side.

“I want to be your whole world, too.”

“You are, Jungkook. You’re everything to me.”

Jungkook doesn’t answer, he’s silent, but Yoongi knows he hasn’t fallen asleep.

***

The nights after, Jungkook’s nightmares get worse. He wakes up screaming, as if his whole body is engulfed in flames. Yoongi tries to calm him down but receives bruises in return. Jungkook’s wild thrashing about gives Yoongi a bleeding lip and more than a few scratches on his arms.

When the sun takes over the dark, Jungkook laughs and smiles like nothing happened. Yoongi kisses him and holds him like nothing happened and they repeat the same dance every night.
On an unusually warm day for early March, Yoongi suggests they do something. Jungkook agrees without much of a fight.
He takes them somewhere quiet and secluded. It's a park lined by a small pond. They brought a picnic basket but ate the sandwiches on the ride here, so instead they’re both lying under the sun pointing at clouds.
Jungkook excitedly points at each shape; Yoongi can never make out any shapes, they just look like wisps of cloud to him. So Jungkook points at shapes in the clouds and Yoongi makes up stories about them.

“That one's a tiger!”

It doesn’t look like a tiger. At all.

“This tiger is a rare one, it's special, because it’s all white. Without any stripes. It is all alone, he doesn’t have anyone like him.”

“That’s sad.”

“Yeah.” He shrugs, ignoring Jungkook’s pout. Suddenly Jungkook sits up and looks around them; there’s no one about and it makes him smile. He traces lazy shapes onto Jungkook’s back as Jungkook hums a quiet tune. A tune that makes the moment heavier and warmer.

It feels perfect.

‘He’ll want to hold onto you.’

Hoseok’s warning comes uninvited to his mind and Yoongi laughs. Jungkook turns to face him with a questioning frown.
“Nothing – just, hold me.”

Jungkook does, he holds Yoongi in a tight hug that feels much warmer than the weak rays from the winter sun.

***

Yoongi is dreaming, he knows he is because the scene before him looks like an oil painting. The sky is purple and he’s in a garden surrounded by dead trees. He’s seated at a dining table, a very fancy setup of silver platters and silver goblets with wine glistening in the glow of their very own creation.

Seokjin is at the head of the table, standing, with Namjoon seated next to him. On the other seats he sees Taehyung and Hoseok. For some reason that Yoongi has chalked up to ‘dream laws’, they’re all wearing white.

It feels like they’re waiting for something to happen and like someone is missing.
Seokjin raises his cup of wine to make a toast. Everyone at the table, Yoongi included, lift theirs too.
It's an eerie scene, the absolute silence and the stoic expressions on everyone’s faces. Seokjin doesn’t make a toast, he doesn’t get to.
He turns to look behind him sharply, like he’d heard something or someone’s arrived. And Yoongi turns, too, because he feels elated that whoever he was waiting for is here. He’s here.

The second he turns, he has to close his eyes and look away. A bright flash of light and heat blind him.
He fights to open his eyes to see who he’d been waiting for, but when he tries to open them he’s suddenly awake and panting.

That’s not quite right, he’s not the one panting, the heavy breaths are coming from the body curled up next to him.
Jungkook is breathing heavily with sweat covering his brow. Yoongi touches his shoulder and the second he does, Jungkook screams. He screams so loud, Yoongi can hear it resonate in every cell of his body. The fear and anguish in his scream makes Yoongi feel sick.

“Jungkookie, it’s me. It's just me. You’re fine, I’m right-” His words are abruptly cut off. Jungkook has his hands around Yoongi’s throat and he’s squeezing, hard.
Gasping for breath, Yoongi taps Jungkook’s hand trying to pull him off. But through blurry vision, Yoongi can see Jungkook’s eyes are empty, filled to the brim with so much pain, fear and loneliness; It’s like he can’t see Yoongi at all past all that emotion.

He can’t see Yoongi’s whole face go almost purple, can’t see the way saliva dribbles down his chin pathetically as he opens and closes his mouth for any air to squeeze in. Like he can’t see Yoongi dying in front of him.
After a minute or maybe an entire eternity, it stops. Yoongi coughs, as oxygen floods into his lungs again. He blinks tearily as he looks at Jungkook –
Whose eyes are wide with terror, but of a different kind this time. This time Jungkook looks horrified at himself.

Jungkook scrambles out of the bed and runs out of the room. Yoongi can’t muster an atom of energy to follow after as much as he wants to, instead his eyes sting with unshed tears; next thing he knows he’s enveloped in a darkness that’s not restful enough to count as sleep.

The next day, Yoongi wakes up alone. His throat aches painfully as a loud reminder of the events of last night. He knows he should find Jungkook, make sure the boy is alright, but his body doesn’t move. He feels scared. Hoseok’s words ring in his mind, settling on his chest heavily. Yoongi feels like there is a rock tied around his heart pulling him down a bottomless darkness and it feels like he’s drowning.

Perhaps he feels that way because he can barely swallow down a lungful of air through his sore throat. He’s dizzy and in pain. Ironically, the only person he wants to take comfort in, is Jungkook.
When he scrapes up enough strength to leave the room, it is to find Jungkook curled up in a corner of the living room. He has strong arms wrapped around his knees in an effort to make himself smaller.
Yoongi comes closer slowly, like he’s approaching a scared animal – Jungkook’s big teary eye and his other disfigured eye adds to that effect.
When he reaches him, he crouches down. Tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.

“I’m so s-su-sorry.” The words spill out in a mess of tears and sniffles.

“Don-” His words come out as a croak. His throat still too sore to be used. He can't speak yet, so he just pulls Jungkook into a hug. He cries harder, shaking in Yoongi's arms.

Yoongi still feels scared, but he feels relief thrown in there as well. More than anything, though, Yoongi is confused. Nothing he feels makes any sense. His emotions are a tormenting paradox that throw him into disarray. He's scared of Jungkook and the words Hoseok said to him, but he's also glad to have Jungkook and he knows he'd give the boy anything he wants. No matter what it may be.

Maybe that's it. Yoongi is scared at the realization that he really would do anything for Jungkook.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear. I'm so sorry hyung." Jungkook's sobs wrack through him. Yoongi shakes his head wordlessly and kisses his forehead.
They stay there crouched in that corner for at least an hour or maybe even two. Jungkook has a white knuckled grip on Yoongi's shirt. Whenever Yoongi shifts the tiniest bit, the younger looks panicked and guilty.

Yoongi finally scoops him up in his arms and walks Jungkook to the kitchen. He tries his voice again, but it still hurts too much to speak.
It's not that important, Jungkook doesn't want to talk either. So Yoongi makes them a mediocre breakfast in silence. They eat in silence, sitting far too close to the other while they chew.

Yoongi winces when he has to swallow, his throat too sore for the chore of swallowing food. Jungkook glances over at him. His eyes fixed on Yoongi's neck. He reaches over to touch what must be an angry bruise shaped in Jungkook's hand print, but then stops before his fingers can touch. Yoongi nods at him; even tilts his head to the side more.
Jungkook's fingers touch his neck gently, light as a feather he strokes Yoongi's neck. His eyes are wide with awe, as he stares and stares.

Yoongi wonders if Jungkook feels satisfied.

If Jungkook wants to do it again.

***

In the days that follow that night, Jungkook seems to feel it's his duty to cheer Yoongi up. Although Yoongi isn't sad about it, like with most things concerning having a ghost boyfriend he's just decided to accept it and go with the flow. Jungkook suggests Yoongi play video games with him, he pulls Yoongi to watch anime with him, he sits on Yoongi's lap while Yoongi reads. Yoongi doesn't mind it at all.
A few times he catches Jungkook staring at the bruise on his neck. Instead of guilt or shame, Jungkook looks entranced, his eyes linger on the bruises for longer than is necessary. It makes Yoongi shiver.

There's a knock on his door and Yoongi groans. A knock on his door means Namjoon and Seokjin worrying about him. He doesn't want to answer. From Jungkook's frown it's clear he doesn't want Yoongi to answer, either.

But he does. It's Namjoon.

Namjoon doesn't come in though, he invites Yoongi to get coffee. Yoongi smiles and nods. While he puts on his coat, he doesn't even have to look to know Jungkook is following, too. It's comforting.

"We haven't come here in a long while," Namjoon says while they sit down on one of the coffee tables. Yoongi doesn't sit though. He remains standing. When Namjoon gives him a quizzical look, he points at one of the booths instead.

"Can we sit next to the window? It's pretty outside."

It's not pretty outside, it looks like its about to rain. But at the booth Jungkook can sit beside him, so Yoongi suffers Namjoon's confusing frown in silence. It doesn't bother him.

"What do you want? Same as usual?"

Yoongi hesitates. If he gets a drink he wonders how he'll get one for Jungkook too without Namjoon getting freaked out and suspicious.

"Er, no, I'll just have-" he glances at Jungkook and the little shit just shrugs.

"Just one of those lattes with whipped sugar or whatever."

Namjoon frowns in confusion and gives Yoongi a look. A look that one would normally give a guy wearing a pair of underwear on his head.

"...Y-you want a latte? With whipped cream?" Namjoon asks slowly as if giving Yoongi a chance to laugh it off as a joke. Yoongi is proud of himself for not cringing and nodding bravely.

"I want a cheesecake too," Jungkook whispers mischievously with a smirk.
“–also a cheesecake, please."

Namjoon looks startled, but still goes up to the counter to place their orders. When he's gone, Jungkook giggles.

"It's not funny, he thinks I'm crazy."

Jungkook giggles more and kisses Yoongi. The kiss is possessive in the way he grabs Yoongi's collar, pulling him closer. Yoongi feels a light brush of fingers on his neck when Jungkook licks into his mouth.

He remembers to pull away a second before Namjoon returns.
"Drinks will be ready in a minute," he says with a smile. Yoongi blinks and shakes himself of the haze that's settled in his mind.

"You look flushed, are you sick again?"

"No, just recovering from a cold."

"Oh, that's why your voice sounds like that. Is it a cough?"
Yoongi places his hands on his throat and shifts uneasily. Namjoon doesn't press the matter though, he moves on to a different topic.

"The dinner went well, but, about Hoseok." Yoongi tenses.

"I really wanted you guys to meet, I didn't expect him to have to leave like that. He said he feels bad about it." Namjoon gives him an apologetic look and Yoongi shrugs for lack of anything better to say. A waitress brings up their orders just then and Yoongi thankfully doesn't have to answer. Yoongi doesn't touch the drink, but Jungkook does. Of course, Namjoon doesn't see that, he drinks from his espresso while Yoongi nibbles at the cheesecake.

"Do you want to?"

"What?"

"To hang out with Hoseok and even Taehyung more. I just realized Jin and I didn't warn you before we set up that dinner. I'm sorry for that."

Yoongi is touched, Namjoon has always been a very considerate friend. Always there with a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. More than anything, Yoongi is grateful to have a friend like him.

"I know you guys meant well, it's fine."

Namjoon smiles in relief. "But maybe try not to be so obvious about trying to set me up with Taehyung."

A pink blush takes over Namjoon's face and he drops his head down sheepishly. "That wasn't…" he sighs, and then, "sorry."
Yoongi laughs, next to him Jungkook's huffs and squeezes his hand. There it is, that violent flash of possessiveness that takes over his boyfriend. Yoongi hates that he loves it.

Namjoon talks more, Yoongi slowly slips out of the conversation. He has a smile on his face, and he's looking at Namjoon, but the words he's saying don't register with him. Every sound in the cafe slowly goes dim. He can feel his own breathing, loud in his ear. Namjoon maybe tells a joke because he laughs, Yoongi smiles wider and nods as is expected of him. On the table behind Namjoon, a bunch of high school kids are being loud, causing a ruckus as they playfully push each other. Yoongi can't hear it.

None of it feels real, he's right there in the middle of a world so loud, and he can't hear a thing. Is this a memory, a dream? It doesn’t feel like the present.

"Yoongi," Jungkook whispers next to him. Jungkook's lips twitch into a small smile, and he holds Yoongi's hand and places a kiss on the back of his hand.

And – that feels real.

All he needs is a whisper from Jungkook, in a world that only shouts. All he needs is Jungkook.
When he finally remembers Namjoon, he turns to face him again. Only to see now he really is quiet. He isn't talking anymore.
Namjoon looks sad. Yoongi doesn't understand why, he's happy. Namjoon shouldn't feel sorry for him when he finally feels happy.

"To you, he's not gone at all, is he?" Namjoon says after a long pause.

Yoongi doesn't answer, but Namjoon didn't expect him to.
They walk back to his apartment and Namjoon waves goodbye at him.
Yoongi unlocks the door and Jungkook skips in; he's about to step through himself when Namjoon comes back running.

He holds Yoongi's wrist with wild eyes panting.

"I'll see you this weekend? We can – go to the studio or just grab coffee again and – and you can get another latte with whipped cream? I-I'll see you this weekend?"

Yoongi stares at Namjoon, he's pleading with Yoongi. Begging him for something Yoongi isn't sure he has. He can't smile at Namjoon, so he hugs him.

"You're my best friend, Namjoonie."

"So, I'll see you, you'll be there, right?"

Yoongi squeezes his shoulder, he feels the answer deep inside him, but it's not the answer Namjoon wants.

"Sure," he lies instead.

***

When Yoongi is with Jungkook time flows in a haze, it sweeps over him and holds no meaning at all. It doesn't matter to either of them, though. But it's time and it still marches on regardless. It's March and it's Yoongi's birthday.
Namjoon and Seokjin had called, talking about a birthday party the next day. Yoongi agrees to it although he doesn't want it. What he wants is for Jungkook to keep kissing him the way he is right now.

Jungkook's hands hold him like a promise, they latch onto his skin and it's the best feeling. Yoongi kisses him in return like he intends to keep that promise. The taste of his lips is sweet and dripping with love. He realizes he's addicted to it, always has been.

When he has Jungkook sprawled out on the floor with the moonlight falling over his face, he breathes in. He touches Jungkook, every move so slow it's like it’s in slow motion.

When he kisses Jungkook it isn’t rushed; Yoongi leads him in a kiss that’s just like a dance. Yoongi moves against him and feels the way Jungkook lights up under his careful touches. The tempo changes, Jungkook slides his tongue against his bottom lip and Yoongi gasps. Yoongi moves a bit faster and Jungkook follows his lead, wrapping his legs around Yoongi’s waist curling closer. The rhythm changes, Yoongi’s movements falter overflowing with a feeling that weighs him down. Jungkook holds him tight, though, the music in his ears are the short breaths that slip past Jungkook’s lips, the musical moans that ricochet around the walls, surrounding them. He holds Jungkook’s hand as he thrusts faster, burying himself deeper in the heat that warms him up from the inside out. Jungkook’s eyes are wet, Yoongi is sure his are, too, and it’s a stupid, cheesy thing to do during sex: cry – but from the curl of Jungkook’s lips he knows that they’re the right kind of tears.

When they kiss again, it’s so messy their lips barely make contact, they’re panting into each other’s faces. Breathing declarations of love in between desperate pleas for more.

Yoongi’s hands run through Jungkook’s hair, it's gotten really long now. A bit past his chin, he enjoys tucking it behind his ear. From the way Jungkook blushes each time he does it, Yoongi knows the younger likes it too.

“Let’s go wash up, baby.” he says quietly. After a bit (a lot) of complaining, Jungkook acquiesces and they stumble to the bathroom. They kiss lazily, Jungkook whispering stupid stories about random things in between kisses, mostly theories about the Marvel cinematic universe. Yoongi interrupts him with kisses and Jungkook pouts before getting distracted by warm lips and playful nips.

When the bathtub is filled, they both slip inside.
In the water, they’re both quiet. Yoongi washes Jungkook’s hair with gentle fingers. His hand falls on Jungkook’s face. Jungkook doesn’t flinch. Yoongi sees his eyes trail over the fading bruises around his neck.

“You want to do it again.”

Jungkook splutters his lips downturn into a guilty frown. Yoongi shushes him. He feels a strange calmness taking over him.

“You can,” he says, after a long silence stretches out. Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut. Yoongi tries to pull him closer but Jungkook jerks away. He snaps his face to the side, away from Yoongi.

“I heard what that Hoseok guy said, don’t you want to run away?! Don’t you want a normal life?! You’re alive, you can live!” Jungkook doesn’t look angry despite his angry words. His eyes are broken, he’s been holding this in for a long time; Yoongi can see.

“None of those things mean anything without you.”

Jungkook bites his lip so hard it looks like he might break the soft skin.

“It’s selfish.” Jungkook’s chin trembles.

Yoongi slides closer. His next words are what doom him and save him.

“I don’t care.”

Jungkook surges forward then, faster than Yoongi expected, and breathes into the space between their lips.

“You’d die for me?” Yoongi’s reply is in the silence that envelops them. Jungkook kisses him, lips crashing hard against Yoongi’s. He pushes him down firmly so his back slides down the smooth surface of the tub and then he’s underwater. Jungkook’s lips sealing his shut. He can only breathe in Jungkook and when Jungkook’s hands wrap around his neck he can only feel Jungkook.

Instinctively, panic grips his body and he thrashes, he tries to struggle to breathe, but Jungkook holds him tighter, squeezes harder. He tries to scream but water floods into his mouth, his screams turned into gurgling lost in the water around him.

It hurts.

He remembers that much.

Afterwards he remembers how much it hurt.

But his last thought before death steals him from his body is that he’s glad. Glad that Jungkook is with him. That Jungkook will always be with him now.

---END