Chapter Text
The sun was bright, even through the thick curtains. The afternoon light cast a glow upon the complete disarray and filth of the motel room. Liquor bottles littered every flat surface and crumpled fast-food wrappers overflowed from the trash bin. Standing at the door with one hand on the doorknob, I took a deep breath to calm my mind; the murmuring thoughts had been getting louder. With a sudden rush of bravery and determination I opened the door and stepped into the world. Even with my eyes shut tightly, the light burned painfully into my retinas.
It had been over one hundred days since I’d felt the sun on my skin; 117 days to be exact. I had kept perfect count. He had been gone for 125 days. I found out 121 days ago. I held a knife to his brother’s throat and stormed out on what might have been the only family I had left 120 days ago. I checked into this motel 118 days ago and hadn’t left during daylight since. I left only at night and only to restock my stash of liquor, which seemed to run out faster and faster as the days drug on. I always had food delivered.
The long forgotten sensation of the sun’s heat was startling. It didn’t warm my skin like it used to. Was it supposed to feel so warm? I felt like it was burning through my skin to my bones. Should I feel the burn of my cells so quickly? Or was I still in my semi-constant state of being somewhere between drunk and hung-over?
“I’m so not ready for this,” I grumbled to myself as I turned the lock and shuffled down the sidewalk. My muscles ached even with the smallest movements. A passing glance at a marquee that flashed the date and time informed me that it was September 17th. Four months. Had it really been so short? It felt like ages. I felt years older, and looked it too. My cheeks and eyes were sunken and sickly, my ribs were visible and my elbows and hip bones were so jagged I could probably kill someone with them.
Thankfully the sun was setting fast and ending its blinding assault on my vision. I knew exactly where I was going, though I hadn’t been there before. I had spent the better part of four months staring at the little dot on the map. Just a few roads down from where I was staying. I walked slowly with my hands planted firmly in my pockets as I thought back on mid-May. On how four months ago my life had been so much different.
~*~*~*~*~
“Lane? Aren’t you supposed to leave early today?” Maggie’s twinkling voice lulled me from a daydream.
Together we worked as secretaries for a physician’s office. It was simple, mindless, boring; so unlike what I was used to growing up. I combed my fingers through my shoulder length brown hair as my hazel eyes glanced up at Maggie.
“I was, but it doesn’t look like I’ll need to tonight. Probably tomorrow,”
“Trouble in paradise?” the older, middle aged woman joked.
“No, no. He’s just running a little behind. Had to make some stops before coming home, I’m sure,” I said before mumbling to myself, “I hope,”
“That boy sure does travel a lot,” Maggie was absent-mindedly checking-in a patient and motioned for them to take a seat in the waiting area, “Needs to settle down with you, give you a family. You’re almost thirty!”
“People don’t always get married so young anymore, Mag,” I laughed a little. And hunters certainly don’t marry.
My cellphone rang, which was strange because everyone I knew wouldn’t call me during work. The screen said it was Dean.
“That’s him now,” I said with a nervous smile as I answered it quietly, knowing Maggie would cover for me if needed, “Hey, are you on your way?”
“Laney,” it wasn’t Dean’s familiar rough voice on the other end.
“Sam?” my voice dropped low as my smile faded to a stone exterior, “Where’s Dean? What’s wrong?”
“Lane, I need you to meet me at Bobby’s,” did his voice just crack or did the phone cut out?
“Sam, what happened?” I knew deep down, but wanted to hear otherwise.
“We’ll talk about it when you get here,” his voice was thick, trying hard to be in control, and the line went dead. He had hung up.
I sprang into action without a second thought. The moment the call dropped I threw my phone in my bag and had my jacket on. I fumbled with my car keys as my hands shook. Feeling around my jean pockets I double checked that my knife was still in the back of my jeans – you know what they say, old habits and all.
“Something wrong?” Maggie asked.
“I have to go. I’ll call and explain later when I have more details. I’ll take the heat for bailing early, no need to cover for me,” I rambled quickly as I made my way out the door.
I was on the highway in record time. With a pre-packed bag in the trunk I hadn’t needed to go home first. With the pistol from the glove box in the passenger seat as my copilot, I sped like mad the whole way to Sioux Falls.
Barely slowing as I turned in the driveway, my tires flung gravel at lethal velocity. My foot slammed heavily on the brake and the car fishtailed in front of the porch. The vehicle had only just stopped moving by the time I was out of the driver’s seat and storming toward the rickety old house.
“Samuel Matthew Winchester!” My voice boomed and echoed off the trees surrounding the property. I threw the door open with such force it shook the frame only to be met by Bobby in the front hallway.
He held his hands out in front of himself in an attempt to calm me, “Now girl, he ain’t exactly dealin’ well,”
“Well, no shit?!” I scoffed. Every time I tried to step around him he stepped in my way, “Maybe it’s ‘cause he can’t do a damn thing he promised!” my words were a shrill sound dripping with venom.
“Lane, it ain’t his fault,”
“Like hell it’s not!” I narrowed my eyes and sized up the old man. He wouldn’t make a move to hurt me and I knew it.
Grabbing one of his outstretched hands, I twisted it behind his back long enough to push him aside and storm down the halls demanding for the younger Winchester to appear. I stopped in the doorway of the dining room-turned-library. The table was littered with books and half empty liquor bottles and shelves full of books lined every reachable space of wall. It looked just like I remembered, only, at the same time, it looked sickeningly different.
He wasn’t sitting at the table shoveling scrambled eggs into his mouth like he had last time I was there. He wasn’t there to look up at me with a stuffed-cheeked smile and offer me a slice of his bacon. His dreamy rough morning voice didn’t rumble ‘good morning’ and his green eyes didn’t shine as he watched me walk in the room. He wasn’t there and he wouldn’t be.
My eyes scanned the room momentarily and spotted the man who had practically been my younger brother standing in the other entryway to the dining room. Guilt tore into the normally soft features of Sam’s face. My anger faded quickly as his eyes confirmed everything I didn’t want to be true. I had stormed in hoping it was a bad joke, but his red-rimmed eyes and tear stained shirt made it all too real.
“Where?” my voice crackled as the simple word traveled up my throat.
“Lane, I’m so sorry,” he murmured.
“Where is he?” I repeated more firmly.
“I tried, Lane,” Sam whimpered. Bobby came up behind him, resting a comforting hand on the young man’s shoulder and giving me a warning glance.
Bobby knew how vicious I was when crossed. I grew up the same as the Winchesters, even spent time with them at Bobby’s as kids; hiding in the junk cars and training together. After high school, I got out and went to college and cut myself off from my past except for the Winchesters and Bobby. I saw them as often as we could. Exchanged frequent texts with Sam and long late-night phone calls with Dean.
The older Winchester and I had something between us that had started in high school. We were each other’s first kiss, first relationship, first… everything. Growing up the way we had, we knew we wouldn’t be each other’s only, but we were the first’s… and had vowed to be each other’s last’s.
“You promised,” my voice was bone chillingly even as I stalked toward Sam.
“I tried… it’s too late, I didn’t have enough time,”
“You promised you’d get him out of it! You lying sack of shit!” I growled, now toe to toe and glaring up into his broken hazel eyes. He was almost a full foot taller than me. I shoved against his shoulders, causing him to take a step back.
"He’s… gone. We can’t… there’s nothing… I tried, Lane, I did. I just ran out of time.”
“You had a year!” I hissed, “Where is he?”
“There’s nothing we can do to change it,” Sam replied warily, afraid I was going to try to bring him back.
“That’s not what I asked,” my hands flexed into fists at my sides, “Where is he?”
“You can’t…”
With horrifying speed I whipped my knife from the back of my jeans and pinned him to the doorframe. With my forearm keeping pressure on his chest, the knife blade pointed out my fist opposite my thumb and grazed along the middle of Sam’s throat.
“I said: Where. The fuck. Is he.” I hissed, ignoring Bobby’s frantic protests beside me, “I won’t ask again, Sam,”
The three of us stood in thick silence for a few heartbeats before Bobby released a shaking sigh. My mind registered whispers in the room around me, but it was neither Bobby nor Sam.
“C’mere,” Bobby grunted nodding toward the table, “I’ll show you on the map,”
For a tense moment, Sam and I only stared at each other, both revealing our broken hearts in different ways. With squinted eyes I growled again before pushing away from him roughly.
“You can’t try and bring him back, Lane. You do and I drop dead, you know that,”
“Well, maybe that’s how it should be!” my voice cut through the air like a bullet and made Sam freeze in his place. Our eyes met and the pain in his eyes made part of me regret the words the moment they passed my lips, but at the same time things between myself and Sam had been rocky over the past year. I knew it wasn’t his fault but I couldn’t stop myself from blaming him for Dean’s deal. The whispers filled my ears again.
“Would you quit whispering!? I can hear you. Are you on the damn phone or something?” I demanded turning around to Bobby who was standing silently at the table unfolding a map.
The two men went still and all eyes were on me questioningly. I looked back and forth between them in my own confusion as the whispers tapered off to silence.
“You didn’t hear that?” I asked almost silently. When no one answered I huffed, “Forget it, show me where,”
The drive to Illinois was a long one, but it gave me a chance to think and remember in solitude. It made my heart twist to know that I had seen him alive and well only a week and a half ago. The only thought that gave me comfort was that I was indeed able to be his last. I spent the majority of the drive remembering every detail of our last night together.
He had showed up to my work, waiting outside at closing time leaning against the Impala with his hands in his pockets. All leather, freckles and a smirk. I was laughing as I walked out with some of the nurses that worked in the clinic with me.
“Damn, is that him?” Lauren, one of the nursing assistants asked nodding toward the parking lot.
I froze and turned my head quickly to catch him smiling at me. When I blushed and nodded some of the other girls muttered their approval.
“Well, we know Laney will be busy tonight,” One joked with a wink.
“Oh, shut up!” I was already making my way toward him with a wide-eyed smile.
“Hey, want me to work for you tomorrow… you know, ‘cause you’ll probably be tired,” Maggie asked with a sly smirk.
I turned around to face the girls but continued walking backwards toward Dean, “Uhm, yeah, actually that’d be great,” Spinning around I found myself face to face with beautiful green eyes, “Hey,” I breathed.
Warm rough hands slid around my waist to rest just above my butt and he pulled me flush against him as he kissed me. When we parted Dean noticed the other girls watching and kissed me again, only deeper and hotter than before. He fisted my hair in one hand and held me tightly as his lips danced with mine. A quick bite across my bottom lip was all it took for me to carelessly drop my purse on the cement and lock my arms tightly around the back of his neck. The lighthearted whooping of my friends pulled me out of my daze and I turned to see them watching. Embarrassed, I giggled and hid my face in his shoulder. He chuckled and smoothed my hair before kissing the top of my head and using his hand to tilt my chin up.
“Hey,” he whispered in reply to my hello. He kissed me sweetly before opening the passenger door for me. He waved to my friends as he got in the driver’s seat.
“What was that all about?” I laughed, sliding into the middle of the seat to be beside him.
He took my hand and held it in his with a smile, “Just had to make sure they knew I was yours. Make them jealous, you know,”
“They were already pretty jealous,” I revealed, “I bet that’s all I’m gunna hear about next week,”
“You aren’t working tomorrow?”
“Maggie took my shift for me,” I leaned in close to lay soft kisses along his neck and jaw, “Since I will most decidedly be tired tomorrow,”
He groaned lowly and sped up his driving, “Well, thank god for people like Maggie,” glancing at me, he smiled and squeezed my hand in his, “Let’s get home,”
I loved when he called it home. I laid my head on his shoulder with a contented sigh and an unshakable smile on my lips, “Where’s Sam?”
“Got a room a few towns over… said he’s gunna keep researching. I dunno what he thinks he’s gunna find,” He sounded hopeless and it made me regret asking.
“So how long do I get to keep you?” I smiled, trying to change the subject.
At a red light he turned his head to kiss my forehead, “As long as you let me stay,”
Looking down at our clasped hands I saw the cuts and bruises across his knuckles. I twisted his hand to inspect the little wounds and ran a gentle finger along the back of his hand.
“It’s nothin’,” he muttered.
I nodded, trusting him and not wanting to pry too much since he obviously didn’t want to talk about it. Slowly I brought our entwined hands up to my lips and softly kissed along his knuckles. When I did simple things like that it always brought a smile to his face.
He told me once that no one took care of him the way I did. He’d never been as relieved as he was the day I got accepted to college. It was all he ever wanted for me, safe and normal, and if he was lucky than he would be retiring from hunting to be safe and normal with me… but it never works out that way, does it? When Sam had gone off to school, Dean told me how he felt abandoned and left behind for a while. But after talking to him for a while he admitted that Sammy needed to get away, and school was a good escape from their life.
Once we got to my small home we had dinner together. Snuggled together on my small couch, my legs laid across his as we sipped beer and ate pizza. I watched Dean carefully as he smiled at the TV show. He looked so light, so content.
Sam had told me that Dean was changing, that hunting was changing him. He said that Dean didn’t get close with people anymore. But I didn’t see it. He was nothing but sweet and caring around me. Sam mentioned that Dean seemed to lighten up after a phone call from me or right before a visit, I assumed he was exaggerating though.
I pulled myself closer and curled into his side, “Look at you,” I smiled, “Dean Winchester. Watching the evening news, drinking a beer. You’re domesticated and you like it,” I teased.
He scoffed with a smirk, “No way, I’m still wild as they come… but if I had to settle down, this wouldn’t be a bad place to start,”
He looked at me and his eyes filled with fear before he pinched them shut. As he worked on breathing slowly I realized what was happening. Sam’s birthday had just passed, which meant Dean’s deal ended soon. He was starting to have the hallucinations.
With one leg on either side of his, I sat in his lap and held his face in my hands, “Hey, I’m right here, I’m right here,” I whispered as his hands gripped tightly around my wrists, holding my hands to his face. My thumbs stroked softly at his cheeks until he slowly opened his eyes, looking weakly into mine as he nodded.
“See, I’m right here with you. I’m not gunna let anything happen,” I promised.
“You’re gunna fight ‘em off for me?” he asked with a tired half-smile.
“Just ‘cause I’ve been out a while doesn’t mean I can’t still kick some ass… I’ve kicked yours a few times if I remember right,” his hands dropped to my hips and squeezed gently, “So, you were saying you’re still wild? I don’t know if I believe you,” I grinned.
His rough hands slipped under the back of my shirt as he pulled me tight against him. His lips danced lightly across my jaw and stopped at my neck under my ear. I could feel his smile against my skin as I gasped and shivered. His fingertips traced down my arms leaving goose-bumps behind. As his fingers reached mine, he laced our hands together and brought them up to his lips, kissing my palms, my fingers, my wrists. As time had gone on, our meetings had been getting sweeter and sweeter. We didn’t want to rush anymore, we wanted to feel every kiss and hear every breath. I had to admit, I loved it just as much as when things were rough and fast. The one constant was the heat, the fire. It used to be fast and burn erratically, but now it started slowly and grew until it consumed us both.
I took his hands and lead him to the bedroom, though he knew his way there. We removed each other’s shirts and I laid back against the pillows as he crawled up the bed and took my hands in his again. He stretched my arms out wide and slowly kissed from one wrist, across my arms and collar bones, and to the other wrist. I laid naked from the waist up as he kissed and touched every inch of my exposed torso. He hooked his fingers under the waist of my sweatpants and slowly pulled them off of me along with my underwear. He was off the bed for only a moment as he removed the rest of his clothes and continued his slow task of kissing every piece of me. I let my eyes drift shut as his warm lips caressed the soft skin of my ankles, behind my knees, the front of my hips. It was so soft and peaceful to be with him like that.
I tried to slow my breathing when he settled himself between my legs and started placing feather-light kisses on the inside of my thighs. I hadn’t realized how tightly I was gripping the sheets until one of his hands wove into mine, giving me something to squeeze and hold onto. I could feel the heat of his breath as it fanned across my center. I looked down to him long enough to meet his eyes. He licked his lips slowly before moaning softly, which only made me want him more. With a breathy whimper I let my head fall back on the pillows as he started with such gentle care.
I tried to hold myself together while he slowly tore me apart. I moaned his name and he squeezed my hand in response. When it was obvious that I couldn’t take much more, he started to make his way up my body, sinfully kissing my skin along the way. Every nerve felt like a fuse begging to be lit, like livewires that wanted nothing more than to throw sparks. When he was eye-to-eye with me he carefully smoothed my hair back away from my face. His eyes were filled with an emotion I couldn’t begin to explain, but if I had to give it a word the closest would be adoration. His lips touched mine tenderly, almost questioning, then began to move and build. He shifted himself above me and pushed into me slowly as I moaned.
Being with him was familiar and comforting, like coming home after a long time away. There was nothing like it. We fit like we were made together and made only for each other. We each had been with others… but always came back to each other, like we were tethered together.
He dropped his forehead to mine as he moved leisurely against me, “God, you feel amazing,” he sighed but it turned into a deep groan when I ran my nails down his back. His hips jerked as he tried to maintain his blissful infuriatingly slow pace. His head fell into the pillow beside mine making it impossible to hear anything but his quick breath and quiet whimpering moans. I couldn’t help but dig my fingernails into his shoulders as I clung to him tightly. His stubborn will finally broke and he started moving harder in me making me yell out louder. I noticed his breath coming short so I pushed against his shoulders and sat up with him before making him lay on his back. His mouth fell open and is eyes pinched shut when I settled myself on him and started rocking as slowly as he had before. His hands clamped onto my hips and helped me keep a steady rhythm. When we were moving faster and harder and our breathing was heavy, he sat up, keeping me in his lap and taking over the work as I locked my arms around his neck. His fingers dug roughly into my back as he kissed my neck and shoulder, letting his breath puff across my sweat-dampened skin.
We screamed each other’s names, not caring if the neighbors heard, like a desperate plea for mercy and bravery in our near futures. When we were both spent and he had sated me in ways no one else ever could, he laid on top of me breathing heavily. His face was nuzzled into my neck and I could feel his hot breath in my ear as his muscles shook with tapering waves of ecstasy. He took a deep shanking breath and I knew what he was doing.
We fit together, worked together, like two cogs in a machine. We knew each other inside and out. I knew his mind as well as I knew my own.
He was scared and he was letting me know, through that one breath, he was telling me to be the strong one for a little while.
I ran my fingers through his sweaty damp hair over and over as I held him closely and hushed in his ear. I pressed my lips to his temple and listened to his shaking breaths.
“I’m here, always right here, baby,” I whispered to him repeatedly. He had been strong for too long, so for a few heartbreaking hours I would be the strong one. Sam was partially right whenever he would say we didn’t deal with things. We dealt with things our way, sharing the burden and occasionally letting the other carry the full load for a while.
Somehow, I think we both knew that would be our last night together. We only made love once that night and spent the rest of our waking hours holding each other and memorizing the other’s heartbeat.
When I woke up it felt like I had only just fallen asleep. I was woken by the soft click of the bedroom door closing. Sitting up I looked around the dark room and Dean was no longer there. I slid out of bed and tugged my short black silk robe off the chair in my room. I wrapped myself in the soft fabric as my bare feet moved silently down the soft carpeted hallway.
The hallway opened up into the living area where I saw him with his back to me, fully dressed and tying his boots on. He hadn’t heard me walk up.
“So, you’re, uh,” I paused to swallow back emotion as his back stiffened and he stood up to face me, “You’re leaving without saying goodbye,” it wasn’t a question.
“Lane, I…”
“Don’t, Dean,” I said with a sad smile that said ‘I should have known’. His eyes were filled with an apology, “Just… don’t,” I paused and when he went to step toward me I turned my side to him, “I, uh, I’m gunna makes some coffee… if you want any…” I muttered walking away to the kitchen
I stood at the sink filling the glass coffee pot that shook in my hands. It started to overflow and I didn’t move to turn the water off, I just watched how it flowed over the rim before it slipped from the weak grip I had on it. It clattered into the steel sink loudly, but didn’t break. I held onto the counter until my knuckles turned white. I had assumed he would leave like that, not wanting a sappy goodbye and not wanting to make it a big deal… but I thought he’d wait at least another day. But maybe that was just me hoping.
“Laney,” he whispered behind me. I hadn’t heard him walk in; he must have taken his boots off. He reached around me and turned off the splashing water. He gently eased my iron grip on the counter and held each of my hands in his as he wrapped his arms around me from behind, making me wrap my arms around myself as well. He placed his head on my shoulder, his head bowed with his mouth pressed against the slick silk of my robe.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered quietly. I moved one of my hands from his and reached up to run my fingers through his hair, rubbing his head with my fingertips as a leaned back against him.
“It’s not your fault,”
I felt him shake his head negatively, implying it was his fault.
“It’s not,” I insisted, “And it’ll be ok,”
“How do you know?” his voice broke helplessly.
I turned in his arms and held his face in my hands, staring up into his eyes with a smile, “Because, my Superman doesn’t get hurt,” I whispered.
His fingers brushed along my cheek as a grin pulled at his lips, “Yeah, but only when his Lois Lane is there to keep him from doing stupid stuff,”
When we were young and would play superheroes, Sam would be Batman and Dean and I would match as Superman and Lois Lane. We both smiled at the old memory and his eyes started to shine a little. Those green eyes had always been my kryptonite. Stretching on my tiptoes, I kissed him softly.
With my nose brushing his I whispered, “I love you,"
“I know,” he smiled. I knew he’d never say it back, and he didn’t have to. I already knew, and he already knew, but every now and then it felt right to remind him.
~*~*~*~*~
That day was the last time I saw him. Now, walking down the darkening sidewalk, I was headed to see him again… only this time would be different. He wouldn’t see me back. Those beautiful kryptonite eyes were gone. Six feet under. The thought made me stop at the liquor store on the way to the edge of town. Matthew, the clerk, had rung up my purchase before I had gotten to the counter; I had gotten very predictable.
The mumbling voices were still there and getting ever louder as the hours passed. They were becoming clearer as well. Muttering about a righteous man who needed to be saved. Sometimes I listened to them plan, like a story in my head. They were planning to break through a gate and ‘raise him from the flames’. It only fit that my hallucinations were as fixated on hell as I was. I had to be going crazy, or drinking too much… probably both.
Every black car that passed had me wishing it was a stupid old Impala and that a dumb boy wrapped in leather was driving it. I stumbled down the road with two whiskey bottles in a bag. I found the tiny clearing easily; I had been studying it endlessly on a map for four months.
I was faced with a cross made of two wooden sticks, only five feet away from me. I tossed my bag of goodies aside and sank to my knees in front of the cross. I ran my fingers through the drying grass. Trees surrounded me like walls and let me feel safe in the dark clearing.
Later, with one bottle taken care of, I laid on my back beside the cross. Pointing at the stars, I described what constellations I could remember from the one astrology class I took in college.
“I know, it doesn’t look like a ram to me either… but that’s what it’s supposed to be,” I said, letting my hands drop to rest on my stomach, my ribs had become so prominent over the past four months, “There are so many. And they’re so old…” I rolled to my side, facing the cross and reaching out to touch my fingertips to the cold wood, “But… by the time their light gets here… they’ve probably been dead for millions of years,”
A few precious silent tears fell into the dying grass as I fell asleep. I didn’t care that it was cold and itchy and dirty… I didn’t care about much anymore. I was with him, and that was where I planned to stay… where I planned to die. He would be my last. He would always be my last.
Day 126 – September 18
The hot sun on my skin woke me. Or was it the screeching voices in my head? Either way, I woke around ten in the morning and sat up slowly as my head exploded with voices.
“Reach, brother! Reach farther!”
“We need more soldiers,” a second begged.
“You know they will send no more! It is you, YOU must retrieve the righteous man!”
The voices sounded pained and tired. Pressure started to build within my head, behind my eyes and between my ears. It felt as though my skull would burst. The wind picked up, blowing leaves and dirt, and I crouched forward covering my head with my arms as I screamed. There was a sudden high-pitched wailing in my ears and I could barely stand it without passing out, it made my eyes tear and my bones shake. I felt shattered glass from the whiskey bottles pelt the flesh of my legs, but I didn’t dare look up. It felt like I was inside a tornado.
And as suddenly as it started, it left. It was so silent I thought I’d gone deaf. I cautiously sat up and looked around myself. The trees had been leveled in a perfect circle around the cross and I. my ears popped painfully as the pressure suddenly disappeared from my head. Every voice I had heard in the past four months abruptly spoke in perfect harmony and unison. The words filled my every sense. I could taste them, see them, feel them. Four words that made my heart skip a full beat.
“Dean Winchester is saved.”