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Felix was blessed to live the life he had.  

His parents were happily married, college lovers who had both amazing jobs they both loved. He had two older sisters that were happy and living comfortably back at home, next door to the same home he grew up in with them. 

He was a proud countryside boy. Growing up in a small town where everyone dressed in loose shirts and random graphic tees. They wore cheap flip flops and swam under bridges where rivers lied during the summer. There were no local beaches or lakes around, only available if you were ready to drive out for hours to get to it and hours back after.  

Local restaurants were all family owned, remembering every order for almost everyone. A place where no one locked their doors. It was that type of neighborhood. 

Felix knew the store clerks, family dogs and extended family of people he wasn’t even friends with. Just people he grew up around and parents he had talked to. It was the kind of town where you walked home barefoot on the warm streets. The lingering sun soaked into the asphalt, wearing you friend's hoodie that smelled like them, like home .  

He knew the backroads like the back of his hand. Each house he looked at he had shared memories in, the passing red home with white embellishments of one whispered of a day he sat outside on its porch on the hammock. He smiled even now at the memory, of the darkening sky and the rough fabric against his sun-kissed skin.  

It was a place you could never get lost in.  

Felix’s childhood was a large yet limited space, like an over cluttered closet you never reorganized. You only got familiar with its shapes and size, knew how to work around it. That was his home in a way, like a realm, with narrow halls and limited halls yet familiar in every way. His parents and siblings, love and strictness, model behavior, the childhood neighborhood which made up one realm.  

It wasn't until he moved into a more urban area that he understood what it was like to see tall buildings. No fields of grass for miles, no one he knew. The streets were cold and the buildings never whispered to him, they yelled and screamed silently. Taunting him, reminding him that this isn’t where he really fit in or belonged.  

Such feelings, words and descriptions matched those of Hermann Hesse, which he could relate to the most when he moved. The tale of the two realms of day and night. It was like he lived within the pages of his works, like he was a part of that story. He knew of the other realm; he knew of the city and what it contained. 

Though, when he moved to the city fresh out of high school, big dreams laced his every action. He wasn't really ready. 

It was a giant slap to the face of reality. Like his cluttered closet had tumbled over in front of him and he was left to clean up the mess he created. Ignorance was bliss, to never have to think about the subway trains or the abundance of taxis.  

Every road and sign were nothing but Latin to him, staring at them and even attempting to learn them only confused him further. It was just a vast world without boundaries. Walking out for half an hour or less at home would lead to the ‘come back’ sign that greeted visitors leaving his town. While in the city there was endless ways to go, buildings to come across, bridges to learn the destination of. 

If it weren’t for the one intern that offered to show him around campus, he would’ve been more lost than he looked. 

The man stood a little bit taller than he. His eyes were thin and a deep brown with a bright smile upon his face. He was soft looking, a button up tucked in the front of his light-washed jeans. His hair framed his face perfectly and Felix felt so alien-like standing next to him. The man’s name danced on his tongue when he was finally dropped off at his first class, Kim Woojin .   

He was soft spoken and his aura chittered softly to Felix. Warm like those streets at home, smooth like coffee in the morning as you sit out on the porch. Woojin was a glimmer of light on his dark path he was stuck in. A guy who felt more familiar to him than this big city. 

The stores were closer, while clothing store back at home were hours away. Hence why everyone seemed to be wearing the same summer section of their local department store's clothing aisle. There were so many people he didn’t know. The classes bigger and about the population of his entire town he grew up in. 

Last time he saw a class of a hundred to four hundred students was when they had field day back in middle school. Which he knew every one of them. But now? It was like that for every class he was in. Just faces upon faces he didn’t know or recognize since most of his friends at home stayed in town to the local community college. They didn’t keep in touch much either. 

Though he was grateful to being a big ass klutz and the only one with colorful flip flops on the first day of school. One's he owned all last summer. They were worn out and falling apart but he loved them all the same. He totally looked like he didn’t belong with his worn-out flannel and jean shorts you can tell were cut by him, not bought that way. Because he was too broke to buy 100$ shorts that were fashioned to look cut and chopped at home.  

The weather fluctuated throughout the years but when it was sunny, the dark concrete sucked in all the warmth and radiated the heat back. Not the same warmth of home, but it still felt nice, still holding nostalgia. It seemed the heat never even bothered the people here; they still wore hoodies and jackets even as sweat hovered above their brows.  

All of it made Felix think of the hot afternoons, where even the thinnest tank top and strongest fan couldn’t wipe the heat away. But there were still cold-water bottles, freshly cut watermelons and the cold linoleum of the kitchen.  

Days like this one where his flip flops were falling apart, and the sun boiled the sidewalks. But instead his family and neighbors would all jump into their cars, he and his friends hopping into the back.   

Of course, he wasn't watching where he was going and bumped into another student and literally face planted into the concrete. He didn’t even notice his nose was bleeding until the other person started freaking out.  

Blood was dripping onto the white concrete sidewalk, dripping into his hands. The other was worried, helping Felix pick up his things. But all Felix could see was the sky above him as he tilted his head back.  

The sky looks pretty , he commented under his breath. 

To be honest, Felix had dealt with more pain than a face plant. He was a klutz at heart of course, legs littered in scrapes and scars. There was even a bruise by his hip when he accidentally ran into his dresser in his apartment that week. 

He remembers how after this face plant, his blood had dripped onto the others hoodie sleeve, staining it. One that probably cost more than his entire outfit. 

"Oh my god I'm so sorry!" Felix said worriedly.  

But the other just laughed it off, waving a dismissing hand at him.  

"Don't worry about it"  

That's how he and Chan had met. 

The older that stood the same height as him. His eyes were ovular and soft, lips perfect like a movie stars lipstick imprint. He was fluffy and dimples galore, Australian accent matching Felix’s own. His bleached blond locks shimmering under the sunshine.  

Yet there he too stood in a black sweater that had a turtleneck beneath it, seemingly unphased by the sun's hot rays. Besides the silver that danced around his neck, the silver studs in his ears, or the light washed out jeans it seemed his blond hair was the only thing light on him. Other than his untouched and blemish free skin. Despite looking like he grew up so comfortably here his complexion stayed close to pale. 

His clothes whispered wealth; high end brands Felix never fancied himself. The clothing stores were non-existent to him in his small town. No point in overpriced clothes. From what he has seen, it seems that brand names are the normal department clothes hand me downs here.  

After that day, they got accustomed to each other. Chan may have had family in the countryside but he grew up in the city. But his friendship and presence made it easier for Felix to get by. An older sibling if you will, while his sisters were home and he was here at least. 

Chan looked out for him, helping him with their slang, making sure he never felt too out of place (He even bought themselves matching flip flops to wear whenever it was too hot).  

That was freshmen year.   

Thankfully Felix made friends easily. That's just the type of person he was, warm and welcoming like the place he grew up in. 

Now the city life was hard to get used to. But his small-town flare stuck by him through it all. He may have had only Chan as a close friend at first but his talkative self was always busy. Not wanting to lose that family side to him, where his grandparents lived across the street from him. Where his family, friends and family friends were always over.  

So, he joined events, ate lunch with his friends every day. Cooked whenever he had study sessions in his apartment. He lived alone, but his living room housed many different couches and seats. 

He kept a snack cabinet for him and his friends who came over. Extra blankets in his hallway closet. But no matter how many people came over there was one he wanted to talk to... but couldn't.  

Imagine that? Felix the social butterfly being intimidated by one person? No way!   

He seemed to be a mutual friend between his group and Chan’s own. Chan seemed to hang around him a lot but with his own busy schedule, his friend never seemed to be around whenever Chan brought his other friends to hang out with Felix and his own friends. 

Sometimes he wondered if he was a figment of his imagination. Like a shadow you think follows you as a kid, or the moon following you on drives home.  

Felix had met one of Chan’s high school buddies Jisung freshmen year briefly, a squirrely looking boy that invited Felix out to eat once. They exchanged numbers, being in different majors and classes they never got to talk much in person. So, they texted, that was something he was grateful for.  

He met Seungmin in one of his English classes Sophomore year. The guy was dog-like in his features and the way he held himself. With round framed glasses placed neatly on the bridge of his nose and big books he carried everywhere. Though behind that smart and soft appearance was a fierce attitude and a nasally voice. They also became great friends as well.  

Then coincidentally Hyunjin in his dance class freshmen year, great to have someone to talk to in there. He came over whenever he could. But it seemed freshmen year was busy for all of them. 

Now at first, they were all intimidating, Hyunjin was so goddamn beautiful Felix had no idea if he was scared or attracted to him... or both. Seungmin was this pretty boy that Felix had thought wanted to kill him at first but then he realized 'oh that’s just his resting face' .  

What seemed like a scary guy who hid behind his overgrown bangs was Jisung, the groups loudmouth and claimed Squirrel boy by his big eyes and chubby cheeks. Jisung was a pretty and outgoing guy that seemed to bring smiles wherever he went. Despite the dark clothes and shirts that said fuck off he seemed to be the kindest yet sensitive. 

Altogether they were an odd bunch. But like best friends that have known each other for years. For some reason they clicked quickly without issue, as if they were meant to be friends. Like the stars had decided to align and lead on another to this one place. Whether anyone else would believe that he didn’t care. Having a balance in his life was what he needed. That familiarity between people. 

Minho, another dancing friend was also one of Chan’s friends, and since he was in the same class as Felix and Hyunjin they got to know each other easily. He and Jisung were both old school friends with Chan and... him ...who were friends with the rest of Felix’s small group. They were a couple of talented yet mysterious people.  

From afar they were terrifying to say the least. The black clothes and resting bitch faces was what kept him scared of conversing at first. But when they giggled and talked about their pets at home Felix understood that looks were not everything. 

 So, they were around Chan's one friend a lot... They knew him but from what they told him for some odd reason he never talked much to other people. Cold to anyone who approached. Upon hearing that they were Chan’s friends as well he warmed up easily.  

But still he was never seen without Chan nor Jisung by his side. Always around his friends yet never that talkative to other people. He only knew him due to their classes merging on somedays or the chances he sees him by Chan or Jisung. 

At first meeting, well, kind of meeting. It was in their Astrology studies class that Felix had seen Changbin first. No idea who he was but he just stood out from the rest for some reason. Well... Felix had found him hot so that explains a lot.  

He walked in, confident strides that spoke of nothing but pure dedication to the class. Changbin didn’t seem like one to just mess around during class, instantly getting to work and taking out anything that was due.  

His shirt was tucked into his black skinny jeans that were held up by a belt, a belt entirely made of chain links matching the silver studs in his ears that shimmered. The whole ensemble was black from top to bottom, even the bomber jacket over the shirt. Even the guys hair was black and flowing nicely.  

Felix had no idea he and Chan were friends at first. But he once bumped into Chan and his friend once. His own friends had class still when he got out early on the rare chance his professor had to leave due to some personal emergency. Chan’s friend that rendered him speechless, making sure to keep eye contact with the elder he knew.  

It was embarrassing to think he had been thinking about him outside of class with no clue that he and Chan are best friends. Felix was never shy, but whenever Chan's friend was around, the guy he's been trying to talk to for the longest... he couldn’t help it. Like his voice was stolen by some sea witch without him noticing. 

Chan and Felix had their own mutual friends. Felix had his friend group plus one since Jeongin was added to their friend group. A cute freshman with braces, his Busan accent slipping through his thin lips whenever nervous. But a very hard working English major. Chan had his own group as well that seemed to merge effortlessly with his own whenever they could. 

Though what was worrisome to Felix was the times he saw Chan's one friend. He was scared of ever being alone with that guy. Though, he had a giant crush on the guy he knew he had no chance. It seemed though he easily accepted his own friends due to Chan also being their friend. Felix however didn’t get that pass.  

Seo Changbin was someone who caught his interest, that rendered him useless in doing anything normal. He was shorter than him, dark hair that swooped over one side, sometimes even parted down the middle or coconut headed all the way whenever he didn’t style it (as much as he would poke fun at it, the look really made the elder look a lot younger).  

But he was fierce looking, the way his face just fell into a natural scowl. It wasn’t just the safety pins he had in his ears as earrings, or the nose ring. It wasn’t any of that, it definitely played a part but it was Changbin's aura that made him feel like that at any moment he would be swallowed whole.  

It spoke to him in mutters, ones that Felix couldn’t help but want to be able to decipher. To hear up close and know what he liked, what he enjoyed watching, all the smallest details.  

The fact that he saw him so talkative in front of his friends. Heard him giggle once and saw his cheeks rosy from laughing too hard. When Felix came around it seemed that his entire mood fell in front of him, that hurt a lot knowing he was unwanted. 

So, he lived through the everyday hoping that day of him and Changbin alone would never happen. For himself and for the elder. 

When morning crept over him, the alarm clock wasn’t what woke Felix up, annoyingly enough it was the music that stopped playing. A comfort to mask the busy city life outside of his small apartment.  

He could hear the bustling cars down the block, even stray ones riding past his building. The clock on the wall clicking annoyingly loud in the quiet morning. Could hear the buzzing of silence. 

The sheets were somehow turned sideways while he was sleeping, the sheets ripping off the mattress. He furrowed his brows, 'how did that happen?' But it didn’t really matter. What mattered was that he was awake before his alarm meaning he lost sleep but also that he had morning classes today.  

It was just dance, no biggie. He knew how to dance, hence why he joined this school of the arts specifically but that wasn’t the point. Felix began charting a 'Changbin location' sheet in which told him exactly when and where the intimidating elder was. No, he was not a stalker, he was taking precautions.  

Sure, he knew that he was always up around this time. Probably gorgeous even though he knows he was staying late in the studio. Doing his music production stuff that he does with Chan. The same thing that Jisung does, however choosing to go home at a reasonable time. 

He knows the studio clothes Changbin often packs with him whenever he stays overnight. The soft and comfy outfits he pulls off so well as if he were a model.  

Totally.  

Not a stalker.   

He was going to have to take a detour around the buildings to get to his class in order to avoid the elder and Chan who hung out in the courtyard outside of the cafeteria. They were most likely drinking coffee and most likely Chan would call him over and have him sit right next to Changbin.  

Now if he just told Chan his feelings for his cute friend this maybe would've played out easier than he's making it out to be. But no, he probably looks like he doesn’t like Changbin or disgusted by his presence. Which was not the case.  

Having the urge to constantly hold the others hand would be hard to explain since they weren't that close. He could pull that off with any of his other friends but not Changbin.  

So, he got ready. Pulling on some random grey hoodie and shorts and some sneakers he called it a day. Plus, extra clothes because dance-class left him leaving sweaty and not at all attractive.  

Waking up early had its perks, if he left early then he could avoid people in general without causalities. Since everyone liked tagging him along to snack breaks in the cafeteria or just to walk around with. Those were the times he sort of wished he wasn’t such a social butterfly that liked talking to people... Just a tiny fraction. 

He made it around the many tall buildings until he saw that his friend Chan was off schedule and there his intimidating friend was by his side. It was one of those 'too late' moments where if you were to turn around you can't play it off that you went the wrong way, in his case you could tell he was avoiding someone. So, he just kept walking and hoping that he wasn't called out. 

But that of course was not going to happen, because instantly he was called out and there Chan was approaching him fairly quickly.  

Changbin looked cute today, he always did . With dangling silver earrings and his dainty chains around his neck that fell over his oversized grey sweater. He looked cuddly and his legs were hugged by ripped black jeans. He stood taller with his boots, but as always, he just looked so fucking cute. 

(Again. This is his ‘ studio clothes ’, ones that Felix literally mentally sobs over daily). 

Felix could only play with the ends of his sleeves and avoid eye contact with Changbin who was cutely sipping on some iced coffee. Both hands holding the large cup, sweater paws galore that weren’t even on purpose. 

"Oi Felix you're heading to class, yea?" Chan wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulling him into his side. Felix chuckled, wrapping his own arm around the elder's waist.  

"Yea, dance class" He looked to Changbin who had stopped sipping cutely.  

"Isn't it early?" Changbin spoke up, locking eyes with Felix and all he could do was blush and nod.  

"I-I like being early" It seemed like a great excuse because Changbin nodded and went back to drinking his coffee. Most likely though, he sounded like a total dork. 

But it still ended badly in his favor because Chan just had to be the nicest and caring person that he knew besides his family at home. Deciding to grab some breakfast with him since they all haven’t eaten yet. 

Though thankfully Jisung had decided to go to the studio early today and upon seeing his younger-by-a-day friend. He decided to join them. 

By that point the atmosphere had turned into something different. Shifted in light. Merged from a deep blue to a light pink, like a sunset going in reverse. That feeling of a ride being over with the last gust of wind against your face.  

He just hoped this wasn’t a normal outing for them because he would die seeing Changbin eat as cutely as he did. Everything Changbin did was adorable so it was going to be hard to do anything and function normally. He also didn’t appreciate the side eye from Jisung who definitely was going to tell Changbin some embarrassing stories about him. 

***  

Felix had jinxed himself.  

Like those low budget comedy movies where all the faults of the main character leads to their own demise. Like throwing a party and your parents come home early, finding you in a compromising position. 

Those moments when the music that was once playing over a scenic daydream abruptly stops. Now replaced with the sounds if the real world replacing it. Silence loud and crickets a low hum in the air, with the bustling of people living. 

Or maybe it was karma?  

For avoiding the elder so fervently as if he was the plague. Like his touched burned and eyes that wandered would turn him to stone. Breathing only slightly on the solid surface of himself would crumble him into shards. Unfixable like a certain egg named humpty. 

Whatever it was, it was all his fault and to be honest if he just took his feelings like a fucking adult and packed them up when needed he would be able to hold a normal conversation with the elder. But that was impossible.  

Not only was he probably crushing too hard on the elder that barely knew him that he knew a lot about. To add to it he literally couldn’t fucking speak. Knowing they don’t really have any common ground to talk about as far as he knew.  

He was like a glass overflowing, toppling over and cracking into tiny pieces. The pressure of his feelings too much to carry in a simple, limited container. Like paint dripping onto your favorite pair of shoes, or a slinky that stopped falling down the stairs in smooth strides. That feeling of lost time and empty enjoyment. As soon as shit hit the fans and you’re frozen in shock over what to do, what you could do to make the situation better. 

Changbin was reserved as well, never really opening up which by now would've been helpful.  

Sure, Felix was a social butterfly himself but sometimes he wouldn’t even try to make friends. It just happened . Because people approached him or opened up easily. Whenever he even waved at— a depressing attempt —Changbin the elder just nodded awkwardly and looked around as if he would rather be anywhere else than under Felix's gaze.  

This was a big issue and Felix never faced such a hardship before this and to be quite honest he doesn’t know what to do. How does he communicate with his exact opposite? 

Changbin was a born and raised city kid. 

His parents worked jobs that required them to be out of the house a lot of the time. He was the only child in their small apartment that sat on the 11th floor. One where his neighbors were his other family that checked in on him now and then. 

From what Chan and his other friends told Felix. The city life was just something Changbin was always used to. Where he biked to school with his friends that left their own respective buildings in the project. Where the roads were busy and rarely was there smooth drive-byes as it was always full with traffic.  

That's why bikes just made more sense to have. It wasn’t like there was any inaccessible place you had to drive to. Stores were everywhere and Changbin could get a whole new outfit and a good hotdog before making it home in under ten minutes.  

There were some hangout areas like the corner store that was only across the street next to a gas station that Changbin hung out at. Or maybe the certain sidewalks he would ride around more than others. But to be honest if it wasn’t some public park or store there weren't any secluded places other than the roof or the halls balcony where people smoked.  

His hangout area was just his small bedroom with tiled floors. Being the only child made it seem bigger but having one person over filled their tiny halls. Not to mention that the bathrooms were all relatively small.  

So, when he started university the only thing that changed was having his own space that wasn’t cluttered or awaiting parents. His friends lived closer and since they all shared similar majors their classes mixed pretty decently freshmen year until... Well until someone new came to enter the group.  

Until Felix decided to come and enter the group, accidentally no less. 

Felix was like the pimple that showed up on your face one morning. Without warning, without anything causing it. No matter how much you watch your diet and organize your skin care. 

He was that pain you randomly feel in your muscles randomly. That thrilling pain in your ribs. Or a bruise that hurts without a cause prior. 

He was just bothersome, unable to remove and you could only wait. Wait while the clocks ticking becomes deafening as it progressively gets louder and louder. Shaking you to your core without power to get rid of it. 

Changbin wasn’t one to converse outside his group of friends all that much to be honest. He liked his small group of high school buddies.  

Which added an entirely new wall between them.  

Changbin was a recluse of many but he stayed with his own group of friends, only letting in a small amount. Distancing himself from ever being close to other people or letting people be as close as his friends are to him. That bond that was cultivated over the years and years of friendship. 

So, yea, Felix was kind of in love with the dark aura-ed cutie. But he had no idea what to say to someone that most likely didn’t even want him to slip under the layer of casual friends or even acquaintances. Or even want to get to know a countryside boy such as himself. Felix could rant about the raceway he had in town only to kill the elder's amusement and curiosity when he finds out it was a raceway for horses and not horse powered cars.  

Changbin was cooler than him in every way, from the fashion to the way he held himself. Plus, from what else he learned about the guy from his friends was that he was incredibly smart. Talking to someone like Felix? That was like a peasant trying to talk with the king.  

He heard education in the city was different and more advanced than a small town that Felix was born and raised in. So even if he got honor roll once in his middle school years, that didn’t mean anything over in the city.  

He was afraid to ever talk to the elder about anything to try to make any type of friendship between them blossom. Scared that Changbin would just make fun of his floppy sandals that were using too much of their life wasted on the hot concrete of the campus' sidewalks.  

That he wouldn’t want to be seen around someone like him that probably smelled like the farms that resided in the outskirts of his town. He probably looked just odd who avoided leaving his small area around his apartment complex or buying anything too expensive when he still had perfectly fine clothes. He sadly didn't have the luxury to look attractive or catch the eye of Seo Changbin.  

So maybe he was too afraid and losing his confidence a bit. He couldn’t help it to be honest. Ever since he left his own turf of people raising chickens in their backyard or fishing in the lakes behind the house... He just knew that he wasn’t the most interesting person to talk to or be around. That was just a fact.  

Now the day did start normally as days tend to. Shitty.  

The sky was dark yet for some reason it was still bright outside. The city never slept and the ache of sleep seeped into his bones. Every blink brought him at the edge of falling asleep again. But he couldn’t get up either, the window open and the room cold. Leaving the blanket of warmth was difficult. 

He really was starting to hate this plan of waking up earlier just to avoid Changbin but honestly this 'fool-proof' plan was making him into a fool.  

His face was always puffy and his hair was always a mess. Plus, his fashion sense was already bad but early rising made it even worse. He had only a big ass sweater with 'Barbie' across the chest (he had been binging all the barbie movies and saw it online. It was an impulse buy and he kind of regrets spending those thirty bucks for this). 

But tied with sweatpants and old slides with pineapples on them? He really didn’t care by this point and grabbed his shit and left before he regretted this.  

The sun always made up for it though. When the sun hit his skin and he almost blossomed under its gaze like a flower. Because that's the moment it really felt like home despite him being hours away from it.  

His bedroom used to have windows all on one side that overlooked the yard. It was originally a sun room but too narrow for anything other than a bed and a dresser. Also, he may have begged for the room since the others didn’t have any windows which was super boring.  

Felix remembers the light beige curtains that let soft beams of light in against his face that woke him up during the summers. Although it wasn’t the same light, or the same view of the trees. It was something to keep Felix going throughout the day.  

Though by the time he left he was more awake as the sun kept hitting him. Making it easier to be stealthy as he went around the same building hoping that at least today Chan would stick to his schedule.  

However, he saw Changbin walking around. 

Alone. 

Same time a week ago where he bumped into Chan and him. Which was suspicious but Chan wasn’t here which meant most likely that the elder would avoid him at all costs. Karma indeed .  

How someone still managed to be to effortlessly attractive this early in the morning was beyond him. He had a simple jean jacket over a plain black shirt and black jeans. Yet he looked so good (and he switched his normal nose stud with a ring today). 

Felix felt self-conscious despite knowing that Changbin would rather talk to a Death eater than him. So, he had to fix the way he looked, hoping the puffiness in his face had went down at least.  

But when Felix was fixing his bead head in the reflection of his phone, he felt a tapping on his shoulder.  

Jumping he looked at the source of the touch, turning to see that Changbin approached him while he was busy worrying about his looks. But the elder avoided eye contact, barely looking anywhere near him until Felix decided to speak up himself.  

"Changbin-ssi? What's up?" Is that how he normally approached his friends?   

How does he talk to someone that doesn't like him?  

Changbin finally caught his eye contact. In that cliché, anime way where one is calm and the other flares up with the deepest shade of red. He was sure he wasn’t all fully red, but Felix felt that warm flush on his cheeks that ran throughout his body. 

The elder shuffled his feet, "Have you eaten breakfast yet?" 

Felix froze, hands threading through the hair on the nape of his neck.  

"Uh, no I haven't"  

But without another question Felix had been pulled by his sleeves in a random direction. He didn’t know where they were heading to, the classrooms were the other way and cafeteria was on the other side of the block.  

He didn’t know if he should scream or enjoy the warmth of Changbin's hand that had slipped around his wrist as they continued to walk. So, he didn’t say anything until they approached a café, which wasn’t surprising.  

It was just so… Changbin. Or likely the Changbin he knew now. The persona of him that exists only on school grounds. Unknown of what a creature such as himself does out of school. The perfect version of himself, the one-sided version of himself was all he knew. 

The floors were polished and mugs that hung on the walls were shiny. So shunt and almost mirror-like, reflective. 

 Like his clean shiny shoes. Neatly iron-pressed shirt that twined the swan shaped napkins that were crisply folded. With the crisp cool air of the inside resembling the elders aura and the way he held himself. The scent of steamed coffee in the espresso machine hitting his senses with such familiarity. 

"Order whatever you'd like" Was all the elder said, hand letting go of his wrist, sliding to the small space of his back and softly pushed him closer to the counter.  

That’s when a familiar face showed up, hair fluffy and soft looking in his work apron.  

Woojin was of course welcoming and warm towards Felix. Helping him pick something he would like since it was his first time here.  

It was that calm and cooling feeling of seeing someone you know in a place you’ve never been before. Not that Felix felt anxious being there, just the nervousness of not knowing what he wants in front of Changbin who he didn’t want to be a stuttering mess in front of him. 

It seemed that Changbin was here often because he didn't say anything but Woojin added a drink to the order with Felix’s simple egg and ham croissant sandwich.   

Now here they were sitting across from one another. The darker haired male sipping at his iced coffee while on his phone. Leaving Felix to brush a strand of hair behind his ear despite it not being in the way. He ate in tiny bites, hoping that this nice side to Changbin stayed a little longer.  

The elder cleared his throat, "So,"  

He never caught the youngers gaze. Like he was curling into him like a string against a flame.  

"Are you full?" 

Felix could only giggle and nod excitedly, "Thank you, Changbin-ssi"  

Changbin played with the chains around his neck. It seemed he did anything to avoid not directly looking at Felix, "Chan told me to take care of you today, he had to drop off work to teachers across campus so he couldn't make it today"  

Oh.  

Of course.  

Changbin wasn’t being nice because he wanted to, he had been asked a favor on behalf of Chan. Chan who had to drop off work most likely at the recording studio as he and Changbin were music majors which was across campus. Most likely even bothering Changbin and his own personal plans that were most likely ruined because he had to babysit Felix. 

"Y-yeah that's fine, I gotta head to class, tell Chan thank you" Felix gathered all his things and left without another word even ignoring the wave goodbye Woojin gave him.  

But it’s not like Changbin said goodbye to him either, he was quiet and solemn. Changbin didn’t call for him as he left, or even grasp his wrist and pull Felix back. He didn’t move a muscle. 

He couldn't be mad at Changbin who fed him despite not even liking the youngers presence. Maybe if he just spoke up and said something, maybe if he did just pack up his feelings and was a city kid then maybe... Maybe he would like him.  

But that curiosity of why still lingered. Why didn't Changbin give him a chance at least? When break time during dance had come around, he and the rest of his mates were doused in sweat. The song replaying in the back but none made a move to stop it, their muscles straining and the hardwood floor was cold and soothed them.  

Hyunjin and Minho shared a water bottle while Felix had a battery powered fan in his hands.  

These were the part of dance he enjoyed the most believe it or not. The rush of adrenaline and heart pounding a million times a second. The sweat down his nape and the heaving breathing. The thrill of working so hard that you hit the limit yet are still filled with the excitement of accomplishing something.  

Even so... Why? He asks himself when the rush dissipates.  

"Hey" Felix calls out which causes his friends to turn his way, Hyunjin tilting the water bottle to him asking him if he needs a drink.  

He shakes his head, not now, he responds.  

"Is Changbin-ssi... Mean to any of you?" He asks hesitantly. Hand scratching at the hairs on his nape nervously. 

Hyunjin's eyebrows furrowed almost in sync to Minho, who was one of Changbin's friends.  

Hyunjin spoke up first, "No, why is he mean to you?" He moved closer to Felix's side.  

"That's bull, Changbin's super nice, annoying at times but never mean" Minho defended.  

Felix sighed, "I must be the only one then... He's not necessarily mean , he's just not very fond of me and my presence" 

Minho's features softened, almost like he knew what the younger was talking about, "Changbin is just... Awkward with new people" 

"But didn't he buy you food this morning?" Hyunjin asked. 

Felix nodded, remembering the events of earlier, "Yea but against his will, Chan hyung asked him to"  

Minho chuckled. 

"So that's his excuse?" He muttered under his breath; however, Felix didn’t get to hear. 

"What?"  

He didn’t get an answer after that. Plus, they had to run over the routine again and Felix was regretting not getting any lighter clothes to wear like his friends who wear t-shirts. 

Felix's thoughts had only lingered on what Minho had said. Changbin was never visibly awkward? He just was calm and quiet and when he spoke It had a purpose. It seemed he only spoke to him when necessary.  

But that didn’t stop him from asking his friends at lunch, Jisung complaining about his love life and the rest just listening and mostly shoveling food in their mouths. 

"--He totally ignored me like? I'm a sweet treat, I could give him the best kisses in the world and he wouldn’t even know"  

Felix was brought back to reality from his thoughts. Looking over at Jeongin who had been reading he was confused. He knew what Jisung was complaining about but his ears must've turned off for the time being because he had no idea what was said and how much time passed. 

Seungmin who had noticed his snap into reality was an angel (surprisingly) enough to fill him in, mouthing a 'Lee Minho' and a stern shake of the head.  

Oh yea, his dancer friend Jisung had been crushing on. 

"So..." Felix started, interrupting Jisung from his spiel causing Seungmin to sigh in relief from having their ears talked off. Jeongin looking up from his book once he noticed talking had stopped(Hyunjin had skipped out on lunch with them to drop off his own papers to his professor). 

"Is Changbin ever mean to you guys?"  

Jisung who had been ranting seemed to stop. As if he was racing down a road and met a dead end. His face was unreadable. 

"That annoying ball of fluff?" Jisung spoke, annoyed but not serious. "He literally snuggles with everyone whenever he can, the PDA is nasty "  

Jeongin teasingly sing-songed a, “Not if it was you and Minho”  

Jisung playfully smacked his shoulder. 

"Yea he's kinda chill in the dorky way" Seungmin's nasally voice spoke up.  

"I've seen him cry over pictures of cats while wearing all black, that guy couldn’t kill a spider if he tried" 

"Didn't he want a pet spider?"  

Felix still didn’t understand why he was like that to him , though.  

"Then why doesn’t he like me?" Felix asked, chin in the palm of his hands with a pout.  

Then everyone broke out into laughter. Jeongin shaking his head as well,  

“He bought you breakfast for you this morning?” 

Felix’s head dropped over his crossed arm on the table, “Chan asked him to, he was busy dropping something off to the teachers” 

Jeongin’s eyebrows rose in confusion, tilting his head “Chan hyung was with me this morning though, maybe Changbin hyung just wanted to buy you breakfast?” 

Wait  

"What?"  

"Oh, wow you're a lost cause" He grumbled, again not getting a response from his friends. 

Though he thought they were lying he seemed to find himself seeing things he never saw before. Or maybe never allowed himself to see. Which only made this harder. Even if Chan had been with Jeongin, it still made no sense that Changbin willingly wanted to eat with him. 

Changbin obviously didn’t like him, so maybe it was time to tell Chan. Just so that he didn’t have to bother the other and make things awkward when he usually was loud and giggly with his friends. When Felix wasn't around to see or hear. 

Thankfully though, talking was something Felix was fairly good at. He was always a great listener as well. But in general, he always voiced how he felt and never was afraid to do so. Especially to his friends and family that made everything an open space for him to talk to about anything. 

But to tell Chan that he had awkward feelings for his friend? That was harder to admit. 

He woke up early in the morning anyway, but he arose just a little bit earlier. Trying to catch up with Chan before he left the studio. 

Felix had sent a message the night before, he hadn’t gotten a text back. Most likely he was too caught up in producing, world muted by the headphones to answer him. So, he just planned to try to get him at the studio himself. Or at least by the cafeteria, hoping that Changbin wasn’t there. 

This time he meticulously picked an outfit. Whatever outfit spoke, ‘please forgive me for major crushing on your bestest friend’ white jumper tucked into black skinny jeans had to be fine right? Maybe if he tucked them, what was it called... The French tuck! (thank you, Queer Eye for that fashion tip).  

But no matter how nice he looked he still had the face of guilt, even as he slipped into some old worn out sneakers. The clothes were already off from his normal, but it was something gifted to him from Woojin. It was a ‘welcome to the city’ present that he never would have worn before. But this would show Chan he was sorry. Hopefully. 

He still grabbed his bag for dance, got everything he needed before rushing out of his apartment.  

Though by the time he even caught Chan exiting his studio, hair a mess and looking big and cuddly. Changbin had emerged from his studio as well, more put together, adjusting his jewelry around his neck. 

“Hyung do I look good for—Oh hi” he awkwardly waved, looking away as soon as Felix smiled back. Not the biggest smile he wanted to give, the reserved one that was an attempt to not creep the guy out because just seeing him made Felix’s day better. 

God, he was breathtaking. But that’s who he had to stay away from, so he wouldn’t be a bother.  

So, he ignored Changbin’s fluffy hair. The hoodie he was wearing, and the swollen cheeks he had.  

“Channie hyung” Felix started, and he saw Changbin pull his phone out and ignoring his existence. 

Chan yawned, arm settling around his shoulders and that sense of comfort and protectiveness that radiated off the elder surrounded him.  

“Can we talk?” 

“Yea of course, Changbin and I were going to get some breakf—”  

“— I meant alone? You guys can get breakfast after, it’s really important that I talk to you” Felix insisted and it felt like all the tiredness that was seeping into Chan’s pores had been wiped away. Eyes open like he was ready for the biggest fight of his life.  

“Changbin... You wouldn’t mind if I talked to Felix for a bit? I’ll meet up with you in our usual spot” 

Felix couldn’t help but feel he bothered Changbin even more. 

His eyes burned into Felix’s side, scorching the flesh in the worst of ways. Being in pain but trying not to show it. With a clenched jaw, grinding teeth. 

It felt like standing barefoot on a hot beach. Sand hitting your heels like bullets and burning you with each and every step you attempted to take. Like a finger touching a hit pan and burning your skin. 

But it was all mental. It was painful, like being pulled back and forth and slammed against wall after wall. Like sobbing while having a migraine. Just that painful, wretched feeling. 

Their little talk was straight to the point but also easy when he was talking to Chan. Chan was understanding and he didn’t interrupt or make Felix feel any less for having feelings. Instead he comforted Felix and by the time they were done talking, Felix had gone to drop him off to Changbin who had been mingling with his own friends.  

But he just hoped things would get better now that Chan understood where he was coming from.  

*** 

The time of monthly examinations had started. The dread seeping in everyone’s pores like toxic gas. It was like homework over break when you were a kid. That feeling and bland taste coating your tongue. 

Big projects were due and assigned weekly. Of course him being a dance major really fucked with his schedule. Not only did Felix have to memorize a dance routine he had center part in, but also study for all his other classes. 

Throughout that time however he just kept seeing Changbin everywhere . 

After telling Chan his little issue and feelings, the elder was very understanding. Making sure to wave and say good morning if they ever did cross paths. He never forced him to be next to Changbin or have any alone time between them.  

Though his feelings grew stronger and he felt sad being away from Changbin. He knew that he was doing a favor for him. This was all for the best. 

But seriously the guy was everywhere.  

Felix was in his practice room when staying late with Hyunjin and Minho to do their routine. Being the center meant he had to work harder to capture the attention of his teacher and the crowd he would have to perform in front of.  

Changbin was there though, sitting on the floor in the corner with his own friends who were there for their own reasons as well. Jisung and Seungmin always came to support them while they practiced and even got some work done while there. Sure, they had their own personal reason other than support that kept them there but it was nice having them there even if it wasn’t specifically for Felix. 

It just made the atmosphere of practicing more freely and just a tad more serious, trying to impress their friends as if they were just any normal crowd. Though, I’m sure they all wanted to impress certain people in particular. 

But there Changbin was, the elder was conversing with the other two on the floor.  

It felt like he belonged there the entire time. Like there was missing piece to a puzzle that Felix never noticed was gone until he tried placing it all together. He didn’t seem odd or like a cutout from a picture placed onto a new photo.  

Though, he didn’t seem sucked into the dancers in front of him as Felix would’ve liked him too but it didn’t matter. It’s not like he expected Changbin’s opinion of him to change that quickly. Maybe it wasn’t even any personal malice towards Felix. Sometimes it just happens that you don’t like someone. 

Practice was more important than Changbin’s eyes on him even if he so desperately wanted them to be. 

They had picked the category of female routines and raffled with the rest of the students over song choice after. Whenever they did routines, unless it specified to be a solo, they always made sure they were together. The way they had easily blended their types of dance together, fixed what the other was lacking in.  

Though they didn’t stop teasing. 

“Felix, you should bleach your hair!” Hyunjin suggested, coming at him from the back and ruffling his already messy locks.  

“Why?” he asked, taking a gulp of water and looking at himself in the mirror. He thought his light orange hair was fine the way it was. The roots were growing in but it wasn’t that bad nor noticeable so he didn’t bother.  

“Then you’ll look more like Chungha" Minho added. 

“Har har”  

But they went back to work. Their light selves and bright expressions dropping to a more serious and stern looks. Their dance faces as Jisung called it once when he saw them change the second the music started.  

In the practice portion it was more about steps then, timing, the spacing, everything had to be accounted for. Even the subtle movements had to be down a thousand percent.  

However, when it came to actually dancing what they learned that’s when it got more serious. More critical.  

So far Minho was monitoring both him and Hyunjin through the last part of the chorus of Snapping leading into the next verse. One of the killing points of the performance where the lead is pulled into a move with another dancer. Where she’s no longer dancing alone with the backup dancers just doing their job, not really interacting with Chungha. 

It was easy to do, but they had to time it correctly, move together perfectly in order to get the move just right.  

“This is my favorite part” He could hear Jisung whisper-scream to Changbin who had finally looked up at him. They had brief eye contact before he was pulled into Hyunjin’s space. They had to lean in closer, Felix fake banging against his shoulder before dissolving into something softer. Ending with Felix kicking his leg smoothly before separating once more.  

It was the iconic moment of the dance. The long haired man, hair pulled back in a ponytail who pulled Chungha into his presence. The part where everyone lost their shit and needed to know the name of said man. 

He could hear a quick, “again, with music” as the music was restarted for them to do it again. 

Though they did get better at it, there were times where Felix face planted into Hyunjin’s chest or even almost fell backwards leaving Hyunjin to have to dip him to get him back on his feet. It was very fun and he almost forgot that Changbin was there until he could hear him laughing at the many times Felix almost busted his ass. 

That was just one of the many times he saw Changbin in places he thought were safe places. Places to be dressed badly and be a fool with his friends. 

During lunch when he was usually with his group, Felix joked around. The group complained or just talked about whatever they wanted, whatever was going on with them. This was also, “Changbin complain time” now that his friends were filled in on his little predicament. 

“Ugh I’m in love help ” Felix said, drink in hand as he walked to his seat. His hair was a hot mess, messed up in all places from a nap he had in class accidentally. Dressed in a old hoodie that’s pockets were literally being held by one string on one side. The fabric flopping over, unable to be used ever.  

But just as he was about to place his things down, Changbin turned around from where Jeongin usually sat next to him. 

“Huh?”  

“ AH! I mean... hello Changbin-ssi" Felix nervously chuckled after composing himself. 

Changbin waved with an eyebrow raised, curious. 

There he turned to the other side of the table, swatting Jeongin away from his own seat next to take refuge beside Jisung. 

Jeongin only huffed and shook his head, taking the seat next to Changbin without a word.  

Everything was fine after. He sat quiet and sipped at his drink, careful not to look over to Changbin who had been immersed in whatever the others were talking about. Felix didn't know what the conversation was about, couldn’t focus. 

He made sure to fix his hair though. Making sure that his hoodie sleeves were neatly rolled up, that he didn’t have any drool on his face. 

But literally everywhere he turned Changbin was there. From breakfast, to lunch, to even them going shopping and it was so hard to not pull him into a searing kiss when he looked so nice and cute all the time. To not burst at his seams. 

But there was more to it than just… kissing. However, to put his feelings into the simplest of forms would cause the world to crash. Like an old PC system being rebooted in modern age. Either it would take forever or crash and burn. 

But that’s life. The simplest explanation of emotion could do better at invoking those feelings.  

Simply explaining the death of a character or animal could being tears to someone’s eyes. But showing that quick moment… putting it in simple words… that vulnerability does much more. 

When King Lear dies in act five Shakespeare writes, ‘he dies' . That’s it, nothing more. No metaphor or brilliantly thought out words.  

Yet every time someone was to read those simple words, they’re overwhelmed with emotions. Filling the eyes of everyone to fill, to collapse, to spill. 

So maybe in the simplest if ways to say how he felt about Seo Changbin. How he could explain those feelings would most definitely have to be… 

‘Ever growing’  

Infinitely expanding but never being explicitly said how he feels. Maybe he himself didn’t realize it either.  

It was tiring having to just sit there and fully be able to enjoy his time with Changbin or his friends because that’s all he was there for. Felix just so happened to be part of his friend groups friends. So, when he joked around with Jisung and pulled Hyunjin into a store he saw nice clothes in, Felix stayed outside of the store. Looking over the railing towards the floor below and asking, ‘what if I just jump?’ . 

Him and Chan had their own happy conversations when he pulled the other Aussie into a store he wanted to check out. It was great to just look at something other than the same graphic t-shirts his store at home provided. He felt at home just trying on a bomber jacket that even Chan bought and joked about, ‘couple jackets’ . 

Sure, he was happy in some way. 

But he never really got to know anything about Changbin that he didn’t already know.  

There was just a giant wall between them and Felix could only see him through the tiny cracks. Never able to see him entirely. 

He felt the rush of feelings whenever the elder was around. The kind of fluttering feelings that cheap romance movies rant about. The cliché ass heart pounding that kdramas always show except he kept it under a façade of calm.  

Felix just wanted something with Changbin. A conversation, a story, even a mere small comment that they enjoyed.  

All he got was frustrated that everyone enjoyed talking and being around him and Felix was kind of the odd ball. They included him but made sure to keep him and Changbin separated as well.  

It wasn’t until the week before exams where he got a little break from just being disappointed with empty words and head nods of acknowledgment when they made eye contact awkwardly. Where Felix would flush and look away and Changbin would most likely shrug and not care. 

He was really crammed up with studying in the local library, in his apartment alone at three in the morning. Living on nothing but caffeine the best he could. Thankfully the dance performance grades had come in earlier, pulling a smile onto his face. Glad that he and his friends got an exceptionally good grade on it. That his friends came to support and even Changbin had been there. Even if it wasn’t for him, him being there was special to Felix. 

That night was something he would always remember even if Changbin wasn’t there because he invited him.  

Their group performance was great, he couldn’t remember a day he wore such dangly and glittery jewelry or clothes. Getting the glitter out of his hair was almost impossible without Hyunjin and Minho’s help after they celebrated at Minho’s place. It was perfect from their outfits to the way they danced together almost as one, to their friends sat in the front row to see them perform.  

The stage itself made Felix smile, the way he could be compared to a star in the dark of the night with the way he and his friends shimmered under the lights. Like the nights in the summer where it was cold and snuggled under a blanket shared with his sisters as they watched the stars. Joining the sky with the pretty and colorful fireworks.  

Except this blanket of warmth was the spot lights that had coated them with warmth, sweat building over his brow with how passionately he was dancing with his best friends beside him. 

After though Changbin complimented their performance. He made sure to have eye contact with Felix that was longer than mere seconds. It felt like just a small part of him had appealed to Changbin in the tiniest way and that was enough. 

The fun was over, now studying permeated everyone mind, asking classmates for notes or lectures you may have missed. Even his own friends were holed up in their rooms with books. On occasion he had some calls with Seungmin over English and it was just great being able to compare what they were stuck on.  

The morning after a harsh night of studying, Felix had afternoon classes thankfully. Getting to sleep in and just snuggle into his sheets. To just lay in warm and let his body slowly wake up without an alarm. 

Slowly emerging from his sleepy-state he just stared at his wall. The dream of last night lingering in his head and he just needed to get it out of his system. The warm hands of Changbin’s intermingling with Felix’s own fingers, the dream was sweet and left droplets of euphoria all over his body. 

Being able to talk to him, get to know him, just being able to sit in the same room as him and know that it wasn’t awkward. It was a goal of his. Even if he didn’t feel the same way, getting to be his friend would be a plus. 

With just a loose shirt and joggers to class later that day he looked like trash in comparison to Changbin who had walked into class. It was some button up, it was loose, top buttons undone showing his collar bones. They had made brief eye contact as he walked in and Felix just huffed. Focusing on his own work and studies. 

Dream-Changbin smiled at him last night, had looked him in the eyes softly and they just talked. Talked as if they never spoke before, holding in all these loads of random information to one another. As if they wouldn’t rather be anywhere else.  

Dreams are funny like that. Giving you your deepest wants and wishes and making you feel terrible once it’s ripped from your grasp. By the name of ‘waking up’ it just made you feel worse.  

This Changbin would never do that with him, it was the sad truth. 

When lunch had come around Chan had decided to join them instead of working in his studio like usual, Minho who usually hung with him too was hanging with the group. Felix made sure he sat next to Changbin who now was a regular here.  

Chan radiated a calm that surrounded Felix in a type of hug. Knowing that he was there just helped him settle better than if he wasn’t here. And Minho sated what usually was a very talkative Jisung 

They ate and for once Felix wasn’t just a shut in the entire time, he talked and acted as if Changbin wasn’t there. Other than acknowledging that he was listening to whatever he was saying he just never commented back.  

“So...” Chan started to speak, grasping the rest of the group's attention. 

“How’s studying?” Minho finished.  

They all collectively sighed.  

“I’m failing the English exam” Felix said with a pout, chin in the palm of his hand, “No matter how much I study I just know I’ll fail” 

Even with Seungmin’s help he just knows deep down there are things you can’t study; you just have to know. 

And like an angel that Chan was known as, “Hey I have an idea”  

From beside him, Changbin spoke through his teeth, “hyung what are you doing?”  

“Nothing, why do you ask dear best friend?”  

It was cute to see them bicker. To see Changbin shy and whispering to Chan who just laughed at whatever he said. They were fighting like siblings who were fighting over who gets the front seat or who’s turn it was to wash dishes.  

But even with Changbin’s small whispers of, ‘Chan no’ it felt like when Chan spoke up it was his way of responding arrogantly , ‘Chan yes’ . 

“How about we all study together?” 

Knowing not what Changbin was arguing with the other with made Felix tilt his head in confusion. But otherwise throw the curiosity out of the window. It didn’t seem to be important to whatever Chan had brought up as a suggestion. Though, Changbin did shake his head with a hand over his face in disappointment.  

Silence fell upon the group. Their thoughts tumbling around before Seungmim finally spoke up, not before sipping on his drink. 

"I'm all for it, we haven't really hung out in a while" he had a point, exams and class sort of got in the way. 

Hyunjin nodded, "I'm in, Jeongin?"  

The younger who was still eating nodded along. Caught staring at a certain aussie at the table. But that wasnt important. 

“I say my place” Felix had offered. 

Everyone of course approved. Felix had the biggest space for them, and had seats and food for them at his place. The perfect place to study that was also conveniently closer than their own apartments. He made sure to stay local when he first got here Freshman year.  

“Sound’s great” Chan nodded with a big smile, dimples cutely showing themselves.  

Though Felix overlooked the way Changbin slumped and laid his head against the table in defeat. Changbin stayed silent through the agreement however. Maybe he interrupted his plans? 

Whatever  

It was final then. 

***  

 They decided the greatest time to schedule their study group on a day they all didn’t have to worry about class. Opting for when they had morning classes to study after, that way they didn’t have to worry about sleep since they would all have afternoon classes the next day.  

I mean everything was fine. Felix made sure to stock up on snacks and such and got as much notes as he could from each of his classes. There wasn’t a lot of classes, just the notes that piled up. How the professors expected them to remember everything they learned in the beginning of the semester to now was impossible.  

Sure, Felix could remember the dates of the outfits Changbin had worn (again he swears he’s not a stalker). Or movie anniversaries and other weird holidays. But not about the dinner he had ate a week ago. Not even when was the last time he wore a certain shirt; it didn’t really matter to him to remember all that much.  

Well, until now.  

Astrology class was boring, Changbin had decided to sit behind Felix today. Out of his view. Sadly, he was the highlight of class. Finishing his assignments early and having to do nothing was boring, so seeing a pretty boy in front of him really helped. Though class had thankfully ended early and Felix only had a small lunch break before dance class. Which was when the rest of their dorky gang met up.  

Felix and his group didn’t have to do much, just to do a rundown of their new choreography the teacher had introduced them fairly recently. And they were home free. Like chickens. 

For some reason he didn’t feel as awkward and shy like he normally would. Maybe because Changbin wasn’t here, he didn’t expect him to join their study group. Knowing about his straight A’s back in school he didn’t even think that Changbin was even struggling in anything to need to study.  

He saw him in class and slightly in the cafeteria but it seemed he was avoiding the group. So, definitely he wasn’t going. Which was good. Felix didn’t have to worry about tidying up too much or dressing to impress.  

But once dance was over, they all decided to get comfy and get cleaned up before an all-nighter began. Like a stimpak before a battle, making sure they were all good to go before they dedicated hours to studying and dying. Or a Riot Shotgun (with magnum rounds) to a Deathclaw, they were going to kill these exams. Or at least try to. There would most definitely be a death.  

‘I hope not’ Felix muttered to himself. 

Funerals were expensive.  

He got washed up from his sweaty and intense dance class. Slipping on whatever was comfortable. A simple old green graphic tee, now thin from over use but it was soft. Still comfy and wearable for something like a study group. Slipping on sweatpants he called it a day before hopping onto his bed.  

Thinking about it he wondered how Changbin liked to relax. What did he find comfy? He only ever saw him at his best, all dressed up and jewelry in perfect shape and order. Even his shoes were never scuffed up or dirty in anyway. 

What does he do in his free time other than working in the studio? Why did he choose the major he did? There were so many questions he had for Changbin other than how he liked his eggs in the morning and if he was into holding hands for hours. These pressing questions always came at the most random of times. 

Other than just thinking about Changbin rather than the exams that were literally the impending doom that was right behind Felix. He just lounged around his apartment for a while, sitting on his bed while on his phone. Distracting himself with videos and posts he would worry about not getting to later while studying. 

As he got messages of his friends on the way he still stayed composed. His place was clean and so was he, approachable and relaxed. It wasn’t until Chan had decided to text him last minute, 

‘Changbin’s joining! Was busy today so he wasn’t at dance with us’  

That’s when the real panic started going off. Code red blaring in the comfort of his head, he didn’t know what to do. His friends have all seen his apartment clean and dirty, it didn’t really matter to them. But Changbin had never been in the confines of Felix’s home. 

Not with his anime themed throw blankets and pillows lying about. The collectables on his shelves and the posters on his bedroom walls. Sure, he has seen Felix at the lowest of the lows. Looking sweaty and just nasty but that was out of his home. Where he had an excuse of dance class or being late.  

Knowing they all lived closer besides Chan and Changbin gave him some kind of calm before the storm. He had time to clean up. Time to make himself to look a little more approachable but not in the, ‘casually wears tux’ way.  

It was like trying to activate switches in a game and they all have to be done in a certain amount of time. No time to mistakes or redoing, just to go go go (it reminded him when he was doing the Back to Basic military training in fallout, not in real life, he would never be that active in real life). 

By the time Seungmin and Hyunjin arrived they had tilted their heads in confusion as a pouty Felix had greeted them at the door.  

“Dude... what's up?” Hyunjin started as he shrugged his jacket off. Toeing his shoes off calmly, waiting for a response.  

“Do I look okay?” Felix asked.  

Confusing the other more he just shrugged, “you look comfy, why?”  

“He wants to impress Changbin hyung that’s what” Seungmin interrupted nasally with a laugh as he too was taking his shoes off. 

Felix crossed his arms, strutting back to the living room with a huff. Even if it was true, he would like to not to get teased over it. He never teased Seungmin for tagging along to dance class just to watch Hyunjin, never even told Hyunjin either. Nor did he rat on Jisung for pretending to casually be around the studio building just to see Minho leave and have an excuse to walk him home. Never told Minho that Jisung’s classes were across campus. 

But that didn’t stop Seungmin from happily exclaiming, “I’m telling the group-chat this!”  

Seungmin entered the room with a jump in his step with Hyunjin trailing behind him. They both looked comfy in just white shirts and comfy pants. Crashing into their favorite seats.  

Felix followed behind, sitting in his own seat as well.  

It was just them quietly lounging around, the first time they just sat and hung out in a while. It was nice to just have his little bits of happiness in his home. In the seats he usually sees them in. Without a movie playing in the background or them spilling any tea. Nothing like that at all, just them relaxing together before they had to study and get serious. 

Jisung and Minho had come next, with Hyunjin welcoming them in.  

“I brought some drinks for us” Minho said like a dad who brought snacks for his kids during a sleep over.  

Jisung who had stood behind him mouthing very, very vulgar words about how Minho was dressed. The rest rolling their eyes and thanking the elder for providing drinks for them. It wasn’t until Minho turned around to see Jisung on his knees praying after mouthing, ‘love me’ .  

It was humorous to see him blush and get up and act like he wasn’t just pathetically begging behind him. It wasn’t the first time Jisung had been thirsting over Minho in sweatpants before that apparently, ‘hugged him just right in every area’ .  

It was ew to even imagine what parts he was referring to.  

Though when Chan had arrived with Jeongin at his side rather than Changbin, his nerves calmed down. But what didn’t was the fact that the others crowded them at the door,  

“Felix cleaned!” Jisung yelled excitedly. 

“That’s a first” 

It was not . 

Here they were now though, sitting down in the living room just casually hanging out. It didn’t stop Felix from worrying though.  

Any minute that door would open or be knocked on and it would be the first time that his and Changbin’s world were going to clash. He sat there calmly, eyeing the door whenever even a small creak was heard. The anxiety bubbling in the pit of his stomach.  

What would he think of his place? About the way he dressed and totally didn’t fix his hair to look nice. Did he really want to come? 

I mean, it’s not like Chan had dragged him to come. So, it was a choice if he came or not. Meaning if he did come, maybe he didn’t hate Felix all that much?  

Or maybe he only came for Chan and his friends and not because he wanted to be anywhere near Felix. But at the end of the day they would have to talk at some point, right? Unless he wanted it to be a silent study session without any of them quizzing one another.  

He felt a finger prodding his arm, capturing his attention. 

Jisung had reached over his seat to poke him, “Stop overthinking, it’s giving me a headache”  

Pushing his hand off of him Felix answered, “I will just don’t poke me with your boney fingers” 

Which caused Jisung to come closer and poke him more. His deft fingers tickled, rippling laughter out of him. It distracted him from his overwhelming thoughts. Starting the little poke war easily did get his mind off of things until he heard someone clear their throat.  

With Jisung almost on top of him and the rest of the guys cheering them, frozen in their state. He made awkward eye contact with Changbin who just raised a brow.  

“If this is how you guys study, I don’t think it’s very effective” Was all he said before setting his back down by the wall of the doorway.  

So this was how he relaxed. 

Changbin must’ve had a too-much gene somewhere within him or something. Because even though he looked chill and everything he still looked better dressed than them all.  

His t-shirt was tucked into his black joggers. He even had some jewelry on, a couple of rings and nice earrings. Always looked so beautiful.  

Yeah, his sleeves hugged his arms delicately. He most likely worked out with Chan just as much but still delicate. Probably soft to the touch. Pliant maybe. He would never be able to know. 

Everyone got back to their seats calmly. All the while Felix was fixing his hair quickly. Panic soon settled in though. There were only two seats available, one by Chan and Jisung who had already started to pull out folders and text books from their own classes. There was another right next to Felix, a beanbag not being used.  

He was nervous over what Changbin would pick as he pulled out his own book and notes. And it was like his wish come true while also being a nightmare. Did he even smell good? He wondered to himself but there Changbin took a seat right next to him.  

His mouth was moving and Felix couldn’t hear a thing. Only able to look at Changbin’s profile, flawless skin that looked soft. Down the slope of his nose. And lower to his lips moving, talking to the rest of the group. Felix wasn’t able to tear his eyes away until the elder decided to turn to look at him directly. Caught in the act he just slowly looked away, cheeks burning a shade of red.  

That’s when he and the group had collectively decided to actually start on studying. They finished their drinks that Minho had gotten them and gotten all they needed out. 

The time the night had creeped into the confines of Felix's apartment, they were all lounging around in his living room. Books and laptops by them as they studied, some helping fix notes while others helping explain things the others didn’t get.  

Usually this would've been comfortable. But Felix's seat was right next to Changbin's bean bag. And his knee was against the elders as he was sprawled on top of it, reading. No matter how much he typed on his laptop or talked to the others he could still feel the heat between them. 

This moment he wondered what it would be like if he just pulled the other into his lap. Or pretended he lost his book and asked to read with the elder. Wait no. He had the entire textbook downloaded onto his laptop that didn’t work.  

It was just nice too just be altogether and study despite having different classes and such. He was happy to just hang out like this with everyone.  

But of course, as expected from staying up staring at notes and words upon words. It was around midnight when the rest started to yawn. They had called for a break, ordering whatever place delivered at this time of night (morning?) and just getting up for a stretch.  

“Anyone want some coffee?” Felix had offered as he stretched, earning a collection of groans in response, “Taking that as a yes” He said as he left the room and into the kitchen. 

By the time the coffee was made for everyone, the food had arrived and it was just them eating. Checking their phones and just talking about whatever was happening in their lives. 

Even though he was happy, Felix still didn’t feel and close and connected as he would've liked. He had the best group of friends that clicked even if they barely knew one another. Now they were all close. Except for him and Changbin of course. There was something in the way of them and he just wished it disappeared. At least for one night.  

Just to see what would happen. What he would find under the many layers of walls Changbin had set up. If he saw his smile once if it really did pierce through him like he imagined. Sometimes dreams were meant for sleeping, and wishes on a star just don’t come true. Mistaking his feelings for the truth, that there was a chance for them.  

“we should get back to studying after we clean up” Chan had brought up, helping collect their empty mugs.  

They had all crashed back into the living room. Sprawling their bodies over bean bags and seats, even Jisung and Minho were star-fishing on the carpet. Face first as they said they were dying after eating a whole box of pizza by themselves and to ‘let them perish’ .   

“Sounds good, hyung” Jeongin shot up out of his own seat to help pick up. 

Seungmin helped by collecting any reusable containers from the Chinese food they also ordered and offering to wash the dishes.  

“I’ll dry” Hyunjin had offered.  

Changbin had disappeared into the bathroom for a while, while they cleaned. It was okay, he lasted this long around a person he hates. Peacefully so.  

They only needed one garbage back for all the food they ordered. Which was good, they were all well fed and ready to get back to work.  

Felix took the bag out of the trash himself. Making his way to the trashcans at the back of the building.  

The night was too chilly to leave without a sweater yet here he was. Prying open the cold metal lid to the garbage and tossing the bad inside. It was the perfect sleepover nights, where the quiet cold lulled you to sleep. Even as you laid on the softest sheets that called your dreams to come, you couldn’t help but keep talking. Not wanting the night to end.  

But eventually he had to return from the cold to the warmth of his home. It was quiet. Not the, ‘sounds silenced by the door’ silent. The odd silent where you can hear the lights buzzing with electricity and the loud ringing.  

So, when he opened the door to his apartment, he was shocked yet not to find no one there. Bags were gone and the place was cleaned up. Though upon walking into the living room there was one bag there.  

No 

Why—  

But before he could question forward, Changbin emerged from the bathroom. Only to stop and freeze at just the sight of Felix standing there.  

This was a set up. It had to be.  

“I guess they left…” guess his ass. He knew they had all left. 

Then there was that awkward wave from Changbin who had taken his seat in the living room in silence. It’s not like he expected much else. Was this going to be their normal interaction? Should he start taking some sign language or Morse code classes? It seemed that was the only way to talk to the elder.  

Felix took his own seat hesitantly. Wondering if this tension would disappear so he could breathe. They were in his apartment alone. He wouldn’t do anything to him, but just knowing he was here made him shiver with excitement and happiness. Like the sun was beaming into his chest. 

Usually him being alone with Changbin rendered him speechless of fear. Scared that he would make things uncomfortable or irritate the elder more than just him being around him and his mutual friends. For some reason he felt a little better about it.  

He stayed quiet however. Afraid that even a breath would ruin this for him. 

It wasn’t until he felt a finger prodding his shoulder that he finally spoke up, “Yeah?” 

He turned to face Changbin who seemed to be thinking hard of what to say. 

“Can I apologize to you?” for the first time he sees Changbin look smaller, his face was softer and it was all towards him .  

Felix moved towards him, making sure his whole body faced the elder as he relaxed on his own seat. Why he needed to apologize to him was beyond him. 

“Changbin-ssi… why?”  

“For making you think that I hate you. When I in fact don’t”  

Changbin looked very guilty, regret lacing his features 

“First off… I set this up, sort of” he continued, moving closer himself, “I seriously needed help studying… but since I kind of make things awkward Chan set it up"  

Felix could only think back to when Changbin and Chan had been arguing over lunch. Which rose the question, “is that what you and Chan were arguing about?”  

The elder nodded, shyly messing with the hair at the nape of his neck, “I wanted to do it by myself” 

It felt like the wall that was there between them had been out of… shyness? Awkwardness? Not any hate or malice and it soothed Felix’s nerves easily. Knowing now that Changbin didn’t hate him was all he needed to hear.  

“S-so I just—you’re really cool and kind and such… I didn’t know how to talk to you” He stumbled upon his words, unable to look at Felix directly and for once Felix understood that it wasn’t because he didn’t want to look at him. He was shy, and that made him feel more confident in the way he sat, the way he looked at the elder. “So instead of talking to you, I just, ignored you"  

“That day you took me out for breakfast was that…?” Felix pondered.  

“Me. It was my plan" The first time he said something with confidence, “I wanted to have breakfast with you and made an excuse because I was awkward”  

Though they never went back to studying. It was forgotten long into their conversation. About them. Who they were.  

It really felt like he had made a friend, a friend he really liked. And even if he didn’t like him back, this was all he wanted really. A conversation. Here he was receiving it.  

Maybe the world listened to him for the first time. A star he wished on must’ve favorited him to have him be this blessed tonight.  

Changbin chose to be around him as much as he could, was what he told Felix. That he thought gradually they would start to talk but the plan failed miserably. Making it awkward and the tension between them worse, unable to cut with even the sharpest knife. 

Three in the morning came faster than Felix would’ve liked. That moment he realized this was over and Changbin would have to go home. But he wasn’t disappointed. Tomorrow would be a new day for them as newly and fresh friends, where he could sit next to him and talk to him in class. Where he no longer had to tiptoe around the elder he so helplessly was in love with.  

“Can I--" 

“Don’t you--"  

They spoke over one another, ending them laughing together over it.  

“You first, Changbin-ssi” Felix chuckled.  

“First off, call me hyung" Changbin clarified first. Felix smiles, letting it roll off his tongue and repeating it a few times in his head, “Second, do you mind if I stay the night? I live quite far and Chan was supposed to be my ride, if it doesn’t both—” 

“—it doesn’t bother me if you stay" Felix interrupted.  

Standing up from the seat and lent a hand out for Changbin to grab before hoisting him up on his feet.  

“I’ll get you some clothes to wear, if you want to get comfy. We should call it a night”  

He wondered how Changbin slept. How his hair sprawled across the pillows. Wondered if he talked in his sleep, or purred maybe snored. As he put his stuff away in his closet, he made sure to grab something that would fit the elder.  

Although he was older, his frame was small and he was shorter Felix himself. Certain parts were bigger, his arms look like they’re about to burst open the seams of his shirt's sleeves. His thighs were also bigger but he was still small. Felix couldn’t help but think about what he would look like in his own bigger clothes. 

Changbin had put his own things away himself, waiting on his bean bag with his knees pressed together making himself look smaller than he was, shy. Felix could get used to this side of him.  

“Here, I hope they’re not too big”  

The elder shook his head dismissively, “The bigger the comfier, right?” 

In fact, they were big on him. When he had emerged from the bathroom and walked into the comfort of Felix’s bedroom, he seemed to be drowning in fabric from head to toe. The shirt hung low to below his hips, sleeves longer on him. The pants looked fine, “I had to fold the pants twice” Changbin had said when he took a seat on the bed. 

“You can take the bed, if you want” he suggested. 

“Dude I don’t mind sharing, not like you’re toxic or something”  

Felix could only smile as they got tucked under the blankets. He shut off his lamp at his side table, the only source of light in the room. The dark casted a shield for Felix to ask and talk about whatever without risking his blush being seen, without anything weird being suspected because he could use the excuse that his brain was spewing nonsense due to being tired.  

They faced each other at first, the moonlight that casted in softly reflecting on Changbin's face. Little white dots shining in his eyes, like the stars had decided to chill and relax in the pool of his iris.  

“Hyung" he called out a lowly as he could, even if they were awake it felt like if he spoke too loud he would ruin the moment. Like the moon would be mad at him after creating this atmosphere for them to talk.  

“Hmm? What is it?”  

“You're intimidating… that’s why I’ve never talked to you, I thought we wouldn’t get along" he admitted.  

He wouldn’t say how he felt. Not now at least. Felix wanted to cherish this start of something new between them. Even if a bigger conversation was wanted, for them to have something deeper than this surface level friendship. He was fine with whispering, okay with treading on eggshells so he could later smash them all he wanted.  

“Are my looks that intimidating? I must be radiating too much beauty”  

It was the first time Changbin had said something so cocky and confident that night. The first time he acted aloof as if he didn’t say something like that.  

Felix chuckled, “Yea, you’re too handsome I couldn’t handle it"  

That was okay, right? Nothing wrong with a little subtle flirting. 

From the looks of it, it seemed to work out in his favor. Changbin had froze and avoided the others gaze. He was flustered and Felix knew that’s what he would always want to see and know that he caused it.  

Wanted to be the cause of him being coy and shy. Just sitting there all cute and flushed from simple words uttered by the younger.  

“You’re one to talk” Changbin threw back at him, “you always look good looking and captivating all these people when you walk around campus”  

“Oh really?” 

“Don’t act like you don’t notice”  

He didn’t. And it didn’t really matter either when he only had eyes for one person in particular. The person who’s in his bed staring at him and trying to throw whatever nonsense he can to battle how flustered he is. It was cute to see him try.  

“Even if I did. Does it bother you?” he asked an eyebrow raised. 

“Yeah! You’re soaking up all the attention” Changbin retorted back.  

“Sorry hyung” he playfully replied. Reaching his hand out from under the blankets he poked the elders nose.  

This argument(?) or maybe one would call it banter really fueled Felix with a lot of confidence. Knowing Changbin paid close attention to him to notice the people staring at him. He had to be jealous for another reason that at the moment, Felix couldn’t pinpoint. 

“W-whatever, just don’t be intimidated by me anymore please, were friends now"  

Felix let his hand stay close between them, as if he weren’t reaching out to touch the elder. Just laying there like he was. 

Changbin closed his eyes though. Letting Felix stare at him without him commenting on it. From his soft eyelashes that his skin softly. To his own lips that stayed relaxed into a pout. 

If Felix were to rub his thumb against his bottom lip, would it be soft? Would Changbin let him lean in and kiss him crazy? Felix wondered how Changbin kissed people, how he responded to the attention. Wondered if he bloomed under praise and compliments.  

He seemed to be warm and it took a lot to not pull him into his chest and wrap his long limbs around the elder. Right now, they couldn’t. They weren’t close enough to be able to sit so close or casually cuddle or sit in each other's laps like Felix was with his friends. The opportunity would come around eventually. 

The only thing on Felix’s mind however was tomorrow. The week after. The month after. The year after. How close he and Changbin would become and how much they would know about one another. 

Today they would whisper to get ready for the conversations they were going to have later. The connection they would feel.  

Felix couldn’t wait. 

*** 

Surprisingly and very quickly he would add, did Changbin and Felix become closer to one another. That night had become a turning point for the two.  

Though they were busy in their own little way through out their journey, mostly the time they did get to hang out was at Felix's place after class. Then when the night had come and made its presence known, Chan would come to eat with them for the last minutes of their time. And when the stars became visible in the vast dark sky did he and Changbin leave together.  

Which left him with a heavy feeling in his chest, desperately wanting for Changbin to stay. Of course, there were nights he did stay though short and of course never enough.  

To quote a horribly good book/movie series, he was “like a drug” to Felix, “his own personal brand of heroin”. Minus the almost blatant pedophilia behind the literally old man and teen girl, the weird addiction to her and the territorial claim he had on her. In a way Changbin was addicting to be around. A day wasn’t enough. Even their fleeting touches became something Felix needed more of, was hungry for it.  

The days that followed during the school week were already memorable in their own way. Felix would still rise early to tag along with Chan and Changbin's breakfast outing. Meaning Woojin would join since the café was barely busy at that time of day. It was nice to just be around all the people he loved and enjoyed company with.  

The comforting mornings were back in Felix’s life. Like the morning after a sleepover where you’re buzzing with a great sleep and your bed is warm from the other body there with you. The floorboards that creaked beneath your feet as you tiptoed out of the room. When you were up before anyone else and felt like it was only you in the world. 

But instead he was with his friends. They didn’t even need to talk, just eat and chill and Felix could still feel that buzz of warmth. Which could be explained by Changbin's body beside him. It was so much more at the same time.  

For once he saw how soft Changbin really was. He would rest his hand in Felix’s hair while the younger would rest his head upon his folded arms on the table. When he was peacefully relaxing after eating Changbin’s fingers would run through his locks, rubbing his back if he ever dosed off.  

Changbin would be the one to drop him off at dance after eating. Though they would talk by the door as if they had all the time in the world, as if they had nowhere to be. However, there was always this tension in their lingering silence, only speaking to fill time. Hiding something. It felt like those movie moments where the main character would sneak off and kiss their lover goodbye. He felt like Flynn Rider, sneaking Rapunzel a cupcake in a hidden doorway hiding from the outside world.  

Often times when Felix let his guard down and let his mind wander off, some uninvited thoughts came to mind.  Where he would think of him pressing the elder against a wall. He wanted to cage him with his taller frame just to pull him into a kiss.  

Now that they were friends these thoughts were wrong to have. Especially all the time.  

Even during practice, he would think of the elder in one of his shirts as he stayed the night. Sporting it like a gown. While Felix danced, body being pulled by the music and the muscles that pushed and pulled as he moved his mind just kept focus on the thought of Changbin. Not about the clapping of the teacher who repeated numbers to the class. Instead, his mind would think of them cuddling while he let his hands roam around.  

It was so wrong and he couldn’t stop it.  

The thoughts would press him to work harder. To try and get rid of the flush across his cheeks and chest that bloomed with erratic beats. His heart constantly panicking whenever Changbin was around.  

Weeks into their friendship, a milestone had come to present itself. Changbin had let Felix into his private space where even Chan was barely allowed into. Which hands down became his favorite place to hang out. Changbin’s studio. Which made his problem about thinking about Changbin even more detrimental.  

Although it was usually when it was too late for conversations. When they could understand one another without words. Leaving the deafening silence in peace.  

The studio seemed small from the outside however larger on the in. There was a comfy futon there with blankets that were seemingly regularly used all rolled up, “they’re like swiss rolls” he had commented. 

With a smile Changbin had explained he stays the night in his studio when it’s too late to go home. Describing it as a place to keep his thought in check. Just in case it he had an idea for a track in his sleep he was immediately able to work on it.  

Admittedly, Felix did the same things some times. Camping in the dance studio until he got it just right. It was a comfort thing, he understood. 

The studio was comfy, including a private bathroom. Changbin's clothes were neatly folder on the counter with a toothbrush in the holder. 

At the sight of it Felix commented, “So that’s how you always look good in the morning" 

Fingers messing with the fabric of the extra folded clothes. Just staring softly at the elder who sat in his studios chair that was bigger than he.  

Changbin scoffed, “I think I was just trying to impress people or something” 

“No need to impress, you look good without trying hyung!”  

In seconds Changbin flushed a light red. The type of flush he gets after being complimented like now. It was one of Felix’s favorite expressions other than his serious face, eyebrows furrowed and gaze scary or him just smiling so honest and open. 

 Though mostly Changbin would be immersed in work. The outside world and its lovely sounds blocked out. 

The silence was fine with Felix, any chance he got to be around the elder was the best. It gave him a reason that wasn’t creepy. Though it was definitely worth it. Sometimes even, he would let Felix hear what he was working on. 

“Don’t tell Chan" he had chuckled while slipping the headset into Felix’s ears. So carefully like he would snap like a delicate flower stem, “I haven’t let him listen to it yet"  

With an index finger pressed against his lip he answered, 

“Our little secret”  

The studio was his favorite place to hang out. Sure, the waiting and getting to listen to the music were the good parts about it but not his absolute favorite.  

When it got too late and too dark out Changbin would let Felix catch some zzz’s. Pushing the futon into a small bed for him to lay on. 

He knew that Changbin sometimes would admit liking his presence. So, it wasn’t a problem to stay over, especially when his apartment was close by.  

Sometimes Felix would be awake slightly or most of the time in slumber when Changbin himself called it quits. When he would lay next to him, throwing a blanket over them both as he shuffled closer behind the younger.  

Whether he knew Felix was awake when he decided to wrap an arm around the younger’s waist didn’t register in his mind. He didn’t mind and if Changbin didn’t mind, it wasn’t an issue.  

With a futon that small it was sort of impossible to not end up snuggled close. The blanket was small and they had to huddle close to make sure they shared both equal amount of coverage. It happened whether intended or not (for his own heart and pride Felix pretended the elder secretly wanted him closer and holding him at night). 

(it was a nice thought, though). 

After a calming week the two decided upon themselves to hang out for the weekend. 

During lunch that morning Hyunjin had whined about it, “You’re stealing away our Lix" 

It was funny to look back on. Hyunjin pulling Felix in an embrace, petting his hair. They had all gotten closer as a group and did hang out as often as they could. Yet here they were claiming his attention was solely on Changbin. 

I mean, granted, he and Changbin became joined by the hip as of late. But it’s not like he didn’t see the rest of his friends. They were exaggerating. 

He and Changbin were just making up for the time they didn’t get to know each other.  

So here he and Changbin were outside just walking around the streets of the city.  

“There’s a great noodle place I like” was all Changbin said.  

It was the first time Felix had decided to explore the city more. The grocery store was only a block away from his apartment, clothing stores were also close by. He didn’t see a point when everything was there. No need to venture off. 

The nights in the city of course were colder leaving both Changbin and him were clad in thick hoodies to shield themselves. 

At night, the city never rested.  

I mean he already knew that a bit himself. The streets were always bustling with people. Neon signs lighting the streets and the mountains of people walking around in it.  

He had to stay close by the elder, otherwise he truly would be pulled to the current of people. They’d trample him if he stopped for even a second. Not a place to stay and admire the scenery.  

At some point Changbin had entwined their fingers to make sure he didn’t get lost himself. In the moment he didn’t even focus on them holding hands. More of the protectiveness the elder radiated, when he asked if he was okay and Felix could only nod. They were only a couple blocks from his apartment yet he saw things and stores he’s never seen before. 

There was a neon sign that caught his attention. Grabbing onto Changbin's arm in excitement to show him. 

“Hyung! Hyung, look there’s a seven eleven here! I’ve never been"  

The elder raised a brow, “dude do you ever leave your house?” 

“Umm… I’m not used to the busy streets quite yet. I’m kind of scared of adventuring” 

Usually the response would be negative. It’s been a year of him living here in the city yet the couple of blocks surrounding his apartment plus school grounds was his whole world.  

Nothing outside of his walls existed to him. 

It was like in Kingdom Hearts, you’d see things in the distance but a wall was there you couldn’t cross. Jumping and slashing your keyblade affected nothing. It was one of the unexplored areas of the map for Felix. When approaching the borders of comfort all he could see is question marks labeling it. Never seen before. Freshly discovered. 

When they finally arrived at the noodle place the passerby and current of people seemed to calm down. It was in an alleyway most wouldn’t have bothered to go down unless they knew what was down here.  

The roads weren’t smooth asphalt anymore. They were rocky, buildings beige with fancy accents. Expensive clothing stores where a photographer was taking a shoot of a woman in the streets  

“Hyung were like in Diagon Alley” 

Changbin chuckled, “you’re a nerd"  

Felix pouted and playfully hit the elder’s shoulders, “the fact that you got the reference means you’re also a nerd" 

Since there was no threat of being lost, Changbin instantly let go of the younger’s hand. It was disappointing but Changbin didn’t have to hold his hand if he didn’t want to.  

What mattered wasn’t whether they held hands or not. Just spending time together was enough. 

There were barely people in the restaurant, a couple of what looked like students were working in the back. But other than that, it was barren besides the many waiters that were there working. 

It was decorated with dark brown wooden tables, walls lined with plants. The elder seemed to flourish like flowers in the sun as he walked in ahead of Felix. Seeming to know each of the waiters who all excitedly greeted them both. Exchanging friendly handshakes (though one he’s never tried, a shake turning into some kind of manly embrace? Never seen that before).  

“You getting your regular?” they asked with a grand smile, being sent off when Changbin gave a firm nod. 

“Ooh, you’re a regular? Is that how your arms are so beefy? With those big meals” Felix teased a seat at Changbin’s table of choice. 

“Shut up"  

He laughed poking the elder’s cheeks that had seemed to flush lightly. It was fun to mess with him. To push and pry him knowing that he was a softy at heart. He always let the others in their group mess with him. Chan had once told Felix that Changbin secretly loves the attention.  

When they were served the servings were huge, a matte black bowl holding the mass. It was filled to the brim with noodles and meat.  

He gulped at the sight.   

The walk here although not that long and far but the trip garnered him hungry. Happy that his stomach didn’t ripple any sounds that mimicked a dying whale.  

The food was good, not close to his mom’s noodles at home but still radiated that taste of home. The feeling of home hit deeper when his and Changbin’s knees bumped into one another under the table. Reminding him of memories of his hometown. 

“Lix" Changbin called to get his attention. 

A nickname he’s never used before. But so effortlessly left the elders mouth. No hesitancy just pure warmth.  

But he could only hum as an answer. Acting like he didn’t like the name call, as if it didn’t affect him whatsoever.  

Picking up a small serving of noodles with his chopsticks, he cupped his hands under them as they dangled. 

“Ah,” he gestured his mouth open as he inched the food close to Felix who in response took the bite.  

It was sweet, the act not the food which was warm, spicy, noodles thick from all the broth.  

It was a meal he could’ve had with anyone. One Felix could’ve shared with his family back home. 

Changbin felt like home. Not like the other guy. Something different. 

Chan was like an older brother. The sunset in the distance as you drove home with the windows down. The warmth of outside wafting in as the air ruffled your hair. It was the drive home after swimming in the lake of an old rundown neighborhood. He was the video game you play at 5am when the thought of summer ending drove worry to your very core.  

Minho and Hyunjin had the essence of passion. Like a safe place that wasn’t your home. It was that one place you could relieve stress. Like a warm sweater as you sit in the bleachers with friends, watching a school sport event you don’t care about. The only purpose us to enjoy the company and rush of excitement. To embrace the warm hugs as you shiver out of happiness equally as for the cold.  

Along with Chan, Jisung had the family feeling down pat. Like the cousin you’re best friends with. Staying up in your room until absurd times and trying to sneak snacks upstairs. The type to come with you to the bathroom and just talk as if you’re not pissing. It was the giggles at midnight hoping your relatives didn’t wake up. That rush of happiness that would last forever. 

Together Seungmin and Jeongin were breaths of fresh air. Like camping in your own back yard, waking up early with the sounds of birds. The tussled blankets around you. Like the people who nodded when you talked as a reminder that they were listening. In a way Woojin was like that breath of fresh air. Of throw pillows on an old couch with stains on it. Too beloved to be replaced.  

All of his friends were near and dear to him. Sure, he could’ve had a meal like this with them. It would have been fun and full of messing around and talking about whatever they wanted. But Changbin was different. Not only was he someone he was interested in. Felix didn’t define him as ‘that guy he likes' because he was so much more than that. 

Changbin cared in ways his friends never could. Like there was something more lingering. He was different . 

When Changbin dropped him off at class it felt soft, felt like he was caring for him in a different way. Whenever Felix spoke and not matter what it was Changbin was engaged.  

He could remember just talking about the woods behind his house and the elder just… looked at him as if he was explaining the most interesting things.  

“I must be boring you" he had said with a soft laugh, a comfort laugh.  

It was when they both just sat up in his bed talking. The elders hand ruffling his locks. 

“Don’t say that"  

He leaned into the touch. 

“I like when you talk" 

But the way he said it, the softness of his voice could make anyone cry. Even with his closest friends they wouldn’t have comforted like that. Most likely they would roughhouse around and chuckle, would shove a shoulder playfully and say “nah keep going” in that friendly way. 

So now, making sure that he ate and that he enjoyed it… he was attentive and it really felt like they were on a date. It was hard not to when the elder would pass over Felix’s favorite parts. Feeding him. When any broth fell down his chin Changbin would reach out, wiping his chin with his thumb. 

He would say with a bright smile, “you’re a messy eater”  

One that rendered him speechless with just a goofy smile himself. His cheeks stained rosy.  

By the time they left the alleyway was empty, lights of the stores he only source of light. A small pocket of sleep.  

Although it was later, the main streets were still full of people walking around. 

Felix could only shiver and remember how after nine at night the town he grew up in would become quiet and still. Only a couple of store buzzing, store lights lighting up the alleyway's road. 

By instinct alone, Felix grabbed the elder’s hand. Warm and small, swallowed by his own, “so I won’t lose you" was his excuse. Hoping that Changbin’s flushed cheeks weren’t just from the cold.  

Changbin didn’t let go though. He threaded their fingers together as they walked side by side. 

“C'mon Lix, cross the street” he said softly.  

Rushing closer as Changbin ran in front of him before any cars passed by. He didn’t notice where they were going until a neon sign was lighting up the sidewalks. 

“Hyung!” was all he could say. Too excited to say anything else as he jumped around. 

Inside of the seven eleven, many things caught his attention. There were lots of racks full of snacks he’s never tried before. Never seen most of their labels especially when he grew up where he did. 

Though Changbin was patient as he looked at their shelves of the food at the back. Nachos and hotdogs along with some other foods.  

“Hyung was snacks do you like?” 

“Hmm? Oh, none" Changbin shook his head at the snacks. 

Picking up a corn dog, Felix wobbled it in front of his face, “so you wouldn’t eat this?”. 

“Dude no, you’ll get sick" 

“So what, you’ll take care of me right?” he batted his eyelashes, pouting his lips exaggerating all he could.  

“You’re irritating” Changbin replied, though his words held no weight. 

“And you’re not a good liar, hyung you love me don’t lie" 

With a shake of his head the elder started to walk away. All forgetting their hands were still connected. It being really easy to pull him back into a hug.  

“You can’t escape” 

It was moments like these where Felix would regret making a choice. Maybe this was too touchy of him, crossing whatever boundary he had set up between them.  

But letting go and seeing how the elder’s cheeks puffed up in shyness, arms crossed over his chest. The thought of regret eased away. 

“Let’s get slushies, y-ya know before we go?” Changbin walked towards the plastic cups. 

“I would like blue please"  

The elder rolled his eyes as he filled up a cup with no complaints, “you’re a giant baby you know that?” 

“You’re like a giant baby. Minus giant because you’re short” he liked messing with the elder like this. This banter and bickering that he knew Changbin didn’t mind.  

He didn’t know if he was an exception. If the elder treated him differently, he wouldn’t know. It was a hope, though, to be something different.  

So, after they left with their drinks and into the night. No hand holding, just drinks in hand as they roamed the sidewalks. Neon signs and bad lamp lighting leading them back to Felix’s warm apartment. 

*** 

The sunny sky, warm sidewalks, wearing hoodies in the night and group luncheons in the outside cafeteria. Those days had slowly slipped away. Like a scarf blowing away in the breeze, being ripped away from its owner as they putter off on their motorcycle. It was as if time had decided to speed up overnight and steal the sun in its wake. 

Winter started and anytime Felix and his friends hung out it was never for long. The roads were fine but traffic got worse in colder seasons. Not to mention they mostly had to walk home and them getting sick for the sake of them hanging out was a no-no. He didn’t want any of them catching colds.  

Streets were always crowded, huddling like penguins to keep warm. It was that time again, tests and exams showing up once more. More staying late in the dance studio. Study sessions now moved to the public library. 

But what comes with winter was the famous holiday break. Where everyone went home, bundled up in coats and layers of clothes. Waiting for their subway car or taxis to reel to a stop. 

Winters back home were different. Having set up the Christmas tree already and shoveling the driveway with his father. The window from his bedroom showed the tall grass covered in snow, foot prints in the snow from animals.  

His relatives would come down to drop off gifts under their tree and stay for dinner. Children would run around the house while festive movies played. The adults helping cook in the kitchen, talking about their plans, about themselves. 

However, when winter had hit in the city it wasn’t as warm and homey. His apartment floor was always cold even with his sock clad feet against it.  

The apartment barely had any decorations. Not even a tiny tree was present anywhere in the home. The mornings were cold with no one but himself inhabiting his home.  

Walks outside weren’t crunchy as he stepped on the broken sidewalks, nor were his jeans soaked from dragging in the deep cold snow. Felix could remember walks like those back home. Walking on the side of the road after school with his nose red. Since he always lived close to the school, buses weren’t really needed. 

But in the city, winter was kind of empty. The roads and sidewalks were always clear and at night the roads never quieted down even in the coldest weather. It seemed to get busier than in the summer. 

Winter nights at home were quiet, so quiet you could hear the snowflakes falling. Like crystals they fell and glimmered under the moonlight. When reflected against the snow everything would gleam blue, looking like soft clouds.  

Instead they glimmered orange and most of the time were just dirty crumpled piles on the sides of the road. He wanted to disappear under the snow but with the lights and the busy streets that feat was never possible.  

You couldn’t use the weather as an excuse to sleep in, to lounge around with a cup of hot chocolate. Couldn’t say good morning to anyone but yourself.  

With that in mind Felix had to go out before he packed to leave for home. A place he so dearly missed over the year. Only Changbin felt like home, reminded him of his warm blankets and safety. He smiled like an old friend he never had. 

“I wouldn’t mind freezing with you" Changbin had said on their way to the mall, hands in his pocket as he tiptoed on the edges of the sidewalk.  

Changbin was layered up in a turtleneck under a thick leather jacket. His dark locks of hair tucked under a beanie. Cute wouldn’t fit him with how he looked. Ethereal maybe, like a sprite walking around in secret. Wings tucked under the layers. 

Even in the mall he kept his layers on. Never once looking affected by the sudden warmth of the inside.  

They were only doing light shopping, a big step for Felix who had only worn his old clothes the whole year. Plus, some clothes the elder had given to him as “old things" he stopped wearing and couldn’t throw away. Felix wouldn’t tell him that he left a tag on one of them.  

“Did you do Christmas shopping already?” the elder asked as he looked through the racks. Sometimes pouting in thought as he inspected an item. Shaking his head when he didn’t like whatever he saw.  

Felix himself had been going through the flannel shirts when asked. The question causing him to pause for a second. It just reminded him of the fact that this would be the last time they saw each other before they left to go home for the holidays.  

“Yea,” he lied through his teeth “I got everything I needed, you?”  

Truly, no matter what Felix couldn’t think of anything to get Changbin. It was easy shopping for the rest of his friends but again Changbin was… different. 

Although Felix knew what he liked. Sweaters and randomly patterned socks plus a buttload of information on all the things the elder was into. They all seemed like either stocking stuffers or things your mom would get you.  

None of these options had a wow factor or felt like he was trying hard. Sure, looking up ‘gifts for your boyfriend' wouldn’t be of help. He just wanted to stand out and not be creepy about it.  

Most of the gift ideas he looked up were for people already dating one another. For when you live together, when you know their deepest wants and quirks they have. Maybe Changbin had secret interests, Felix wouldn’t know. They had just become friends and still haven’t spent the night at Changbin’s place.  

What could he possibly get someone that he didn’t want to be stuck as being the ‘younger brother friend’ but also didn’t scream ‘I’m in love with you’ and scare the elder off? 

“I’m good actually, you guys are gonna love what I got you" the elder turned to Felix with a grand smile. A hoodie in his hands as he held it against his chest, “does this suit me?”  

See? How could he get anything for him that didn’t scream his feelings? He could have thousands of ideas right now but they would all scream ‘be my boyfriend please’.  

“I-It looks nice hyung, you should get it"  

With a quick turn to the full length mirror the store had, the elder tilted his head in thought.  

“You think so? I want some nice pajamas to wear for the holidays”  

Felix short circuited.  

“You think a large would be okay?” 

“Hyung, just the hoodie?” 

Changbin raised a brow in confusion, “is that a problem?”  

Felix stumbled over a rack as he tried to compose himself. 

“N-no problem? What problem? There’s no problem, it’s just gonna be cold so you should get warm pants so you won't freeze. Otherwise I can’t give hyung his presents if you’re frozen” wow what a worst fucking excuse you dumbass. He never felt so embarrassed.  

Changbin seemed to buy it as he just chuckled, “I promise to get some pants then" 

They had stopped by a gaming store before eating. It wouldn’t last long, just a little pick up.  

“I just need something important; I have something on hold" was what he told Changbin. Both waiting for someone to get his order out of storage. 

Though during the wait, from the corner of his eye he could see the elder looking at a certain shelf. He was playing with the Pokémon plushies they had neatly set up, though one particular he seemed to be enamored with. 

It was cute, his infatuation with one in particular. So of course, Felix wanted to see what it was that caught the elder’s eye. Walking up behind the elder, practically hovering over the shorter male.  

“Do you want one hyung?” he asked, as if he wasn’t pressed against his side. 

Changbin jumped, “oh hi, um I don’t really need it—”  

“—I asked if you wanted it hyung”  

He seemed to be lost in thought. Playing with the tag of one of the plushies.  

Felix slipped it out of his hands, “is this the one you want?” 

The price tag didn’t bother him, it was overpriced but who cares when his hyung wanted it? But he pretended to think about it, looking back at the elder.  

Changbin slowly nodded, “you don’t really have to Lix" 

“Why so flustered? I thought we already knew you were a dork” 

Changbin hit his arm playfully.  

Cute.  

They weren’t in the store long. After the worker came back, he got his order and Changbin's Munchlax plush. One he pretended he didn’t like. All that was left was to eat. 

So far it seemed like Felix was stalling the inevitable. He went into stores he didn’t need to be in, looking at things he didn’t want. All to just talk to Changbin more, to see what he liked.  

Even when some of the stores started to become more emptier, he kept going. Their departure was coming soon and he couldn’t just avoid it. 

They managed to make it to the food court before the mall was closing. Plus, it would be the only thing open besides the movie theatre as the west end of the building.  

They were just nursing cups of water, already fed and just hanging out together. They could’ve left but they didn’t. And a small part of Felix wanted to believe that the elder secretly wanted to be with him too. At least for just a while longer. 

“You know, Chan is jealous that he didn’t get to see me before I left, isn’t that cute?” Chan really took the role of older brother for Felix. Since he would be leaving early in the morning there was no way to see him before he left. And he couldn’t come today when he was getting a gift for the other Aussie. 

“He’s like a giant toddler” and with the soft smile on his face Felix knew he meant it in the kindest way.  

There were many instances where Chan was like a child. Like drips of sunshine against the concrete where you walk home. Sprinkles atop your ice cream on a hot day. Sweet and warm, like living through childhood memories.  

“I know! I admire that the most about him, besides you know his kindness”  

“Hey… I wanted to ask you something”  

Felix sipped at his drink's eyebrows raised in confusion, “what’s up hyung” 

“Not to be… in your business but do you like Chan hyung?”  

Felix froze. Blinking a few times to make sure that Changbin actually said that. Uttered those words to him. Him liking Chan? That had to be a joke. 

“Hyung,” he giggled “you’re serious?”  

“I’m just asking!”  

“What earth gave you that assumption?” he tried to hold in his laughter.  

“Well, I mean you’re very close to him. Before we talked you were always by him, and that time you had to talk to him in private?”  

“Oh that"  

“Yes that"  

It was understandable to get that idea. Felix really doted on and stuck by Chan all the time. Especially when he thought Changbin hated his guts.  

“Well I don’t like him, like that anyway"  

Changbin just nodded, sipping his water.  

That was the last time they saw one another in person. Felix ended up taking a long bus ride home early in the morning. His friends all texted him a goodbye and a ‘send me photos!’ too. 

Changbin sent him a short little text as well. A ‘don’t forget me' with some black hearts sent after it. He really knows how to make a guy flustered.  

During the year Felix only kept in touch with his family via his mother. Unlike the first year at school he wasn’t as homesick. Not when he was always talking to his mother. Especially not when Changbin slipped into his life and became his home far from home. Cliché he knows.  

The only downside to it all was that he told his mother mostly everything that was going on over in the city. Meaning she knew all about him and Changbin and his stupid feelings towards his really good friend.  

So he knew what was going to happen when he got home. Knew his mother would’ve told the entire family but now over Felix’s ‘first boyfriend' as if he never dabbled in the world of love before. 

But even just the thought of his parents asking him about Changbin… how they met… all those things Felix cherishes dearly to himself. The little moments only he and Changbin knew about. 

Then thoughts he often had would turn into dreams. Dreams about what if would be like to drink hot cocoa with the elder as they looked out his bedroom window. Warm blankets and back hugs in the early morning as they make breakfast together. The window outside showing nothing but snow piling up. No worries about leaving the house, just staying together.  

Dreams of buying them matching scarves to keep warm as they take walks outside. So that whenever Changbin nuzzled his cold, red nose into the fabric it reminded him of the younger.  

He wanted to sleep in after spending Christmas Eve with their friends. Dinner out together, gift exchanging, photos. Thinking of Minho teasing Jisung over him shoving his cheeks full of food. Hyunjin making sure to take photos of them all while Seungmin shied away from the camera. Chan would be touchy and hugging everyone as if his presents weren’t enough to show he cared. Felix’s cheeks warmed and flushed red at the thought of him and Changbin, of them . If there would ever be a them.  

Thoughts aside. That morning he was alone on the city bus, left to himself on the white cold plastic seats. No one else would be going on a bus to his tiny town unless it was a one-way ticket out. The sun was starting was starting to rise, he could read the exit signs that were glowing from the sun. It would be a while before he even reached home.  

But it seemed like his mind had other plans. Because the thoughts he desperately tried to push away resurfaced as the bus rolled into his town.  

The bus stop itself was small. Barely two buses could fit in the driveway. It was covered with snow anyway, everywhere just glimmered white. It seemed the trucks who usually come to clean the roads were missing.  

With the sun fully risen, it casted light over the town. Showing thing’s he knew, roads he’s walked down, cars he recognized. Even as his feet hit a deep foot of snow, he felt a surge of nostalgia. Blood flowing with nothing but hometown.  

An old beige car was in the park lot, his dad’s car. Although he missed his mother dearly, his father never cried like his mother would’ve. Nor was he the kind of man to be outwardly emotional and say he missed his son.  

Instead, he showed his affection via turning on the cars radio to Felix’s favorite station. Even stopping by a gas station near home to get him his favorite snack. So, he happily sung the make believes as he munched on gummy bears on the way home.  

Felix’s tiny quaint town was bustling now as the morning rolled in. The local café was packed along with many people. And though he was tired, seeing his town so awake soothed him. 

His room was the same. With posters on his walls and family pictures on his dresser. The bedsheets were neatly made the same as he left it the last time he visited. However, things moved, clothes cleaned and place dusted (another way his father showed affection). 

It was a breath of fresh air.  

The city to him was still new . Everywhere he stepped just felt off, like a long vacation to him. That rush of new things but in the back of your head you think of home. Of your mattress that whispers ballads, calling you back home. Did that make sense? 

Sure, his friends were in the city, but the feeling of seeing backroads you know, old teachers' homes with their dogs laying on the porch was relieving. No leash on, in this small town even when you went the furthest away you always found your way home.  

As cliché as it was no matter how many times he said it. Changbin really helped, so did Chan and the rest of his friends. Changbin never pressured him to leave home and explore, or was a slow and gradual thing. Like a tutorial before the game really began.  

Felix lived the sameness of his life. Everything stayed the same, never changing. He kept old clothes, stayed in the same areas walking down the same roads.  

Changbin was like a willow wisp. Chattering as he led the younger into the forest. Away from his safe place at home.  

Showing him that change was okay. 

This fear of changing was another part of the reason he still hadn’t told his feelings for the elder. Changing this already good and comfortable friendship was the last thing he wanted. He wanted to keep it this way. To have Changbin just a little before he let his feelings out. 

When he talked to his mother about it… it didn’t really and the way he wanted it to. His mother had a way with words, od making it seem like everything was going to be fine.  

“Young love, huh?” his mother wiggled her eyebrows at the suggestion. Wiggling her eyebrows while peeling potatoes.  

They were both cooking together and he thought it would be best to distract them both while he poured his heart out to her.  

“I…” he started to answer back, seasoning the meat, “I wouldn’t say love ma”  

Was he in love? 

I mean in a way he was. But admitting that… putting those words out there would admit that he was in far too deep. That he would have to tell Changbin before it ate him alive.  

“Don’t be so down" she patted him on the back, ruffling his hair with her dainty fingers. 

“I say go for it, what’s the worst that could happen?” 

He sighed. 

“I could ruin my friendship ma”  

She chuckled, “no you won’t. If he is this ‘amazing' and has the ‘kindest heart in the entire universe’ like you say, you won’t ruin anything”  

A familiar voice spoke up from the kitchen doorway, “bring him over sometime, he sounds cute” 

He turned to see his sister there nodding along to her own statement.  

“We’re not together you gumwad!”  

“Not with that attitude you’re not"  

The rest of the holidays went by fast. Like a blink and it was over. He could remember brink fragments of memories. It had been a week, he had to leave Friday night.  

Which here the was days later at Jisung's apartment. Dressed as nicely as he could be now that it was New Year's Eve. He couldn’t remember anything but the hugs he had gotten and worried parent texts from Chan, scolding him for not telling him when he got home safe or when he was leaving to come back.  

For a while he had avoided seeing Changbin. Lying about how his gifts weren’t ready and that it would be more special to see each other on new year’s. Truth be told he just needed to collect himself before he exploded on the spot. 

Even now he had scurried off to the kitchen to help Minho cook some ramen.  

“Hyung” he called out to the other. 

Minho whipped his head around, “what’s up?” you could hear cheers from the living room as the rest were playing smash on the switch. 

“D-do we have to kiss?” 

Minho's eyes widened as he froze, “You and me? Ew never!” 

“Not like that!” Felix replied quickly. 

“Then in what way??”  

“I meant like… isn’t there a tradition to kiss someone when the ball drops? Or is that just a Friends thing?” 

Minho sighed in relief, “Oh that thing. Well, even if we did do it wouldn’t it be awkward?” 

“How?” 

Practically all of them were interested in certain people within their friend group. Plus, with the way Seungmin and Hyunjin were looking at each other they seemed to have gotten their shit together over holiday and ask one another out. 

So, by this point the only awkward thing was when everyone would kiss who they wanted and he and Changbin were left alone. Unless Changbin got someone to kiss him when the ball drops. Leaving Felix alone.  

Is this how Chandler felt? 

“You know" Minho gave him a look, “I haven’t told Jisung yet” 

“Told me what"  

Speak of the devil.  

They both jumped, causing Jisung to raise a brow at them suspicious eyeing them down. 

“We’re gonna need some more ramen is all" Minho was a good liar. Keeping himself calm and collected. Felix should take notes. 

“Oh, don’t worry about that, we can always order more food" and luckily Minho had looked away. Giving Jisung a chance to mouth at him, ‘he’s so cute' before leaving. 

Felix rolled his eyes, “Dude I’m sure Jisung wouldn’t mind a little kiss from you. Confession or not"  

Bringing the entire pot plus Felix carrying all the bowls and utensils to the living room was a difficult feat. He had to carry the hot pot with mitts while buying on the 8 bowls.  

Yeah eight. Woojin was supposed to be here too, but sadly he stayed back at home with family. Which was okay. But it didn’t mean they all didn’t miss him. 

Similar to him, Minho was in a similar situation. Trying to bring in all their cups of drinks and utensils. 

“Hyung, I got you!” Jeongin quickly got up to help with a smile. Something was different about him. 

It had been a while since all of them got together. A longer time since he’s seen the younger in general. Last he heard Jeongin was helping about Chan… a similar situation like Felix. Dancing around their own feelings. 

He supposes it’s been a while since they saw him . Without him being attached to the hip with Changbin that is.  

Once everything was on the coffee table Felix settled next to the free spot next to Jeongin.  

“Felix hyung, guess what?” the younger asked excitedly showing off his teeth.  

Oh!  

“Your braces are gone!” He freaked, grabbing the younger’s face. 

“Mhmm, Hyunjin came with when I got them removed” 

“He didn’t call me to go… I would have come" Chan sulked. “You look so grown now" 

Jeongin seemed to glow brighter at that comment, “I’ve been grown! I’ll be nineteen soon too”  

At the sight, Felix patted the younger’s shoulder. A way to calm him down. To reassure him, ‘he likes you too don’t worry' he mumbled to himself.  

They all relaxed and started to eat. All settled in the comfort of Jisung’s apartment. Out the window you could see the snow still falling outside.  

It was a happy and comfortable thing, behind there in the dark of the night. Jisung’s apartment was comfortable, so him, full with action figures upon shelves and movie posters. Shelves of albums almost filled it all. Impressive .  

Everyone was dressed up nicely too. Felix himself in the fanciest casual wear ever with a black flannel shirt atop a white plain tee. He could only smile and wrap his arms around Jeongin as he played smash.  

Good thing that Changbin was playing too. So, he could look at him without being noticed.  

There he was, a black shirt tucked into neatly ironed slacks. A silver belt around his waist. His hair was always perfect, but tonight it was purposefully messy. Locks wavy and resting just above his fierce eyes. He wanted to run his fingers through it.  

Felix had barely spoken to him all night, practically asking to help out the entire time. Even now was a chance to not talk, especially when he was with Jeongin. Not the obvious space next to Changbin that he avoided taking a seat at. 

The night was supposed to be memorable. The idle chitchat among themselves were supposed to be the gems of life. Your heart being carried away by the gentle caressing breeze, sparkling like a jewel.  

They talked, switched remotes with others. Just messing around. The snow outside seem to calm down and he could see the other apartments across the street with their lights on. Them too sharing time with their loved ones and family. 

“Alright children” Chan had stood up with a clap, his victory displayed on the screen.  

“It's gift time, an hour before the new year begins” 

Chan grabbed all the bags and boxes that were put away in the closet. Giving them to their respective owners. It wasn’t until now that the panic in Felix’s heart started.  

For some reason most of the gift giving was a blur, clothes, books and some other things were gifted. Somehow, he hot through gifting others without being too nervous.  

He got laughter from some, hugs and tears from others. Giving Chan an old game and collectables he got from his towns thrift shop.  

But when it was his turn to give Changbin a gift… he froze looking at the elder. But he smiled in reassurance that it was okay. It also caused Felix’s heart to crash into his ribcage. Like waves against the rocky shore.  

Felix fiddled with the strings of the matte black gift bag. The tag he had neatly tried to write Changbin's name down on hanging off of the strings. 

He nervously chuckled, feeling Jeongin’s hand rubbing at his lower back. 

“I know It’s not the best gift" He said, nervously scratching at the nap of his neck.  

Changbin shook his head. “Lix, it’s alright” 

And he smiled like nothing. But it wasn’t a new keyboard for his studio like Chan had gifted him. Or the cute plushies Hyunjin and Seungmin got him. Not even a new coffeemaker Minho got him for his apartment. A place Felix had never seen before.  

“A-alright” 

The room filled with ‘ ooo's and comments amongst themselves, “Felix stuttered!” Jisung yelled out. 

“Leave him alone” Changbin spoke up. 

Felix finally got up, passing the bag to the elder before taking a seat again. His knees pressed together as he nervously patted his lap as he waited. 

Changbin pulled out the first item. It was probably too intimate, a hoodie from a shop in his home town. A family owned business. It was light gray, his hometowns name embroidered on the chest of it. 

“You can’t, uh, get it anywhere else. It’s a piece of home for you, yea” he stuttered out. 

Felix couldn’t read his expression. Lips tight in a thin line while his eyes seemed to look at the item over and over again. 

“Thank you, Felix" he said quietly. His thumbs running over the fabric. 

The next item was a simple black mug. Changbin’s name was carved into the side of it with white lettering. 

“Isn’t Felix a sweetheart?” Minho had said, reaching over to ruffle his hair.  

He giggled, smiling brightly. For a split second he and Changbin made eye contact. Like a secret whispered behind closed doors.  

“Alright, alright Changbin’s turn" Seungmin spoke up, smirking over at the elder seemed to snap out of his thoughts.  

“Oh yeah" he replied. “I forgot” 

It was a cute box, not that big but for some reason it rendered him speechless. It reminded him of those old secret boxes filled with anything the person held dear to them. 

“It’s really cheesy”  

“I like cheese hyung” Felix replied with a small laugh. Opening the box he first saw a package of un-popped popcorn. But underneath were four DVDs, ones he remembers telling Changbin were his favorites. One’s the elder said he’s never seen himself. 

“I was thinking of a movie night, at my place"  

Felix lit up, smiling brightly and getting up to hug the elder. It meant a lot to him knowing that Changbin wanted to let him over his own apartment. The one he’s avoided letting Felix over because of the ‘mess’ Or what other excuse he used.  

He forgot everyone who was watching. Forgot where he was. And it was a quick huge. A short couple if seconds that pulled them away from the rest of his friends, the world. 

He felt like Simon Jarrett, a hundred into the future in Pathos-II.  

But not stuck under water, scared and alone. Accompanied by the dark plus the corpses of people he never knew floating nearby. 

He felt like the Simon Jarrett at Phi who was sitting in the pilot seat. The Simon Jarrett who got to go on the ARK. The virtual utopia where humanity was saved.  

Where the sun spilt into the cracks and craters of a cavern. A cavern which was sprouting life into each layer, flowers blooming underneath his feet.  

But in those mere seconds he instead woke up as the Simon Jarrett who was still in the pilot seat. Alone in the vast dark ocean. Woke up pulling away from Changbin’s body. 

Parting with a “get a room" comment from Seungmin.  

The hour they had was slowly ticking down. Gifts away and forgotten by the doorway. Most of them looked vastly different from when they first got there. 

The guys had decided to play Just Dance for fun with a mix of Wii sports. It left them all ruffled and sweaty. Their button-ups were loose, untucked with their sleeves folded.  

But even though they all played Changbin still looked put together.  

Felix was sort of fine. He shed his own flannel shirt, tied around his waist when he played. His hair was still intact only slightly ruffled and sweaty.  

Changbin disappeared after Felix and Jisung played a bowling round. It wasn’t that hard to find though. Jisung had a little balcony outside of the window. There wasn’t a door to the area, just a window.  

“What is he up to?” he mumbled to himself as he looked at the elder who seemed to just be looking over the city streets. But he opened window and climbed outside. 

The chilly night air hit against his skin instantly relieving him of the heat inside. The sweat over his skin was cooled off, the sheen disappearing like the snowflakes against the ground.  

“Hyung you’ll catch a cold" he stood next to the elder, leaning over the cold metal bar of the balcony.  

Should he have brought a blanket? It was already too late for that. He supposes that real life isn’t like that, there are no scripts for him to follow by. Real life was messy and full of things you wish you could do.  

Changbin turned to him with a small smile, “don’t worry, I’ll be inside soon. I uh, I actually was waiting for you"  

“You didn’t call me over though”  

“I was…” he cleared his throat.  “I was getting to that part”  

“So, what’s up?” Felix asked, looking over the balcony to the street below.  

For once the streets weren’t busy. It was empty and quiet with only the sounds of them breathing and the snow that kept falling down.  

“Here"  

Felix looked back over to see the outstretched hand that was holding a munchlax plushie. Was he returning it?  

“You got me one before you left, I wanted like, a matching one for you. I just didn’t want the guys to make a scene”  

He froze for a bit, taking the plush from his hands. “Thank you hyung"  

“It’s a piece of my home to you too”  

Felix smiled holding it near his chest swearing he’d sleep with it as soon as he got home. The elder called his name once more, like he needed to say something. So of course, Felix nodded in response, waiting for him to talk. 

But it seemed like everything gets in their way. Including one another sometimes. 

“Yo, five minutes left, get your asses inside” Hyunjin peaked his head out of the window.  

Jeongin came behind him, trying to pull him back inside, “hyung you’re ruining a moment" 

The moment or whatever they had claimed it was, was over. It’s not like they were confessing their love to one another. Not like Changbin had anything to confess to begin with. Because whatever he had to say was forgotten about when Changbin climbed back inside first.  

But Felix trailed after. Getting ready for the ball to drop with little glasses of champagne. Felix didn’t know if they would do the kissing ritual. Didn’t know who Changbin would kiss. It didn’t really matter to be honest. The important part was that they were all together. That they would all be happy.  

So when the countdown started. Noise cancelled out. He couldn’t head anything but a ringing in his ear as he looked at his friends all excitedly holding their glasses. Like a movie he was able to look at them all, like the world paused for him.  

And with a blink he could hear again. Hear them count to the last number before cheering and hugging one another. Kissing one another's cheeks and gulping their drinks down. 

Even Felix got a peck on his cheek, Chan winking as Jeongin chuckled beside the elder. So he downed his own drunk at the start of the new year. 

*** 

The sun was peaking over the horizon when Felix’s playlist got interrupted. The soft music halting in the middle of Santa Monica dream, phone vibrating.  

He wasn’t by any means a light sleeper, but when his phone kept buzzing, he understood he was getting called. 

Classes got cancelled two days before their next break. So, of course after being in a studying and training mode for a tiring week Felix wanted to hibernate. 

When he pried his tired eyes open, the sky was a soft blue, glowing light into his bedroom. The glow of the sun that was slowly rising provided dim light for him to see in. He was buried under three blankets, body stiff unable to move. 

It had to be the morning. Too early for him to be awake, too dark and quiet. Like the night sucks up all the loud noises and silences the world. Where even a pin dropping sounds like something falling down the stairs. Even his breath sounded like the worst winds, crashing waves against the shore. 

It could’ve been spam but by the third ring Felix reached his arm out and grabbed the phone. He answered and instantly placed the phone by his ear, not even bothering to check the contact. 

“Hello?” He answered groggily, voice straining with not being used. 

“Hey...” Changbin’s voice filtered through the speaker “Sorry to wake you, I know it’s like 4am, just... could I come over?” 

Felix shot up out of bed with his blankets falling down letting the chilly air hit his exposed chest. His window was open a crack, the way he like to sleep. He was also shirtless, boxers the only thing keeping him warm now.  

“Sure hyung, where are you? I’ll meet you half way" he shuffled under the dim light looking for shoes. 

“Actually… I’m right near your building” he sheepishly replied.  

“O-oh alright. I’ll leave the door unlocked. You want some coffee?”  

“Yes please Lix!” the elder said cutely, making a kiss noise before hanging up. 

Changbin came minutes later. Seemingly straight out of bed with just shorts, sandals and the hoodie Felix had gifted him. Felix wasn’t any better and only had on a robe tied loosely around his waist. You could see his chest and themed briefs peeking out.  

But Felix felt more awake, like he wasn’t moving slowly or any small sound wasn’t explosive to him. 

Coffee was resting on a side table, steam wafting in the air as it was freshly brewed. The mug he had gotten the elder was here, making his heart swell. 

He could remember the day Changbin brought it over to his place. With a meek smile he spoke, “I want to have a little me here” and in return got Felix his own mug to be at Changbin’s apartment too.  

The elder took a seat next to him, or maybe more like a slump. Collapsing into the cushions and letting loose. Their bare knees touching, sharing warmth as he leaned his head back against the cushions. 

“So what’s up?” Felix pried, turning his body to face the other. 

Changbin looked a little on edge, sighing. He couldn’t tell why when Changbin was always calm and put together. He’d never seen this nervousness ever. 

What happened to the confident elder crumbled before him. Like any hit of wind would topple him over. I mean that was always known since they became friends, what he saw from afar wasn’t Changbin completely. He saw when the elder was tired from work, when he could only trust the coffee in his hands more than his friends. 

The elder sometimes would wear a cap to cover his messy locks. Or wear a jacket to cover up a stain on his shirt. Though Felix still saw him as the coolest ever. The way he carried himself stayed the same. 

The first time he saw him like this was in the studio. But even then he seemed perfect. His hair was still styled, face clean with earrings shimmery and dangly.  

But the Changbin of now was vulnerable. He looked and seemed a mess, cheeks slightly flushed from the walk.  

He was cute and open. Felix could only mentally fawn over how he was trusted enough to see this side of the elder. The one that valued his looks and appearance very highly. 

“I just couldn’t sleep. I was in my studio and nothing I tried was working… I’m just tired” 

Felix sighed, caressing the elder's cheek, “Hyung you need to take a break sometimes” 

The other seemed to lean into the touch, like a cat. Grabbing and playing with his hands and his fingers. 

“I know… but I don’t have anything planned since Chan left early” 

Oh yeah.  

It seemed like everyone in their friend group had gotten their shit together. With Felix’s encouragement Jeongin has confessed to Chan on his birthday, which of course ended well. 

It was the first time he had ever seen Chan so lovey-dovey. Sure he was always touchy and loving towards his friends. That softness was what Felix was drawn to the most, the familial warmth he brought. 

But with the youngest, Chan pinched his cheeks and slipped kisses during conversations. On many occasions they couldn’t stop touching one another. Some part of them was always touching; fingers, knees, feet. Chan's hair was back to brown curls when Jeongin had commented missing them. They were both romantic and giggly after it all.  

The sight of them was sickening yet cute. So, of course being in the honeymoon phase they planned a little trip of their own for spring break. 

“I mean…” Felix spoke after sipping at his own coffee, “would you rather go out third wheeling?” 

“Yea, no, I’d rather work than see Chan’s tongue down the maknae’s throat” 

Changbin scoffed, almost gulping down the entire drink and still playing with the younger’s fingers. He was cute. All cuddly in his pajamas, face puffy of sleep. 

As he shuffled on the couch and rubbed his head against the cushions, Changbin’s hair ruffled and sprawled all over. Just a soft baby that he wanted to coo at. But that would be inappropriate. 

“Don’t you have plans?” He asked Felix, lips in a pout and fingers entwined with the younger’s. Most likely it wasn’t purposefully, just Changbin being Changbin. The fluffy elder he grew to know and love. 

Felix could only reply with a small shake of his head, not trusting his mouth right now.  

Since Jisung and Minho were also together so they had plans. Seungmin and Hyunjin also went back home together. And his last chance to not be stuck with his feelings and Changbin alone; Woojin had ditched him. 

Claiming to ‘get his shit together’ or he would ‘barf if he sees him pining again' . So he had no choice but to do something about his feelings. 

So, no plans. 

“You’re funny hyung. I’m not doing anything” 

“That sucks, looks like we both don’t have any plans, huh?” 

“Hyung, you could just say you want to hang out with me" Felix shook his head, knowing that Changbin used this as an excuse. Too shy to ask to make plans together, his words and questions were all Segway's. Hints for Felix to say something he couldn’t. 

(Felix wishes he would also hint at liking him because this would’ve been much easier. But he also understands the likeliness of that happening. Meaning never). 

Luckily Felix understood the elder’s thoughts. His shy hesitance. Making plans was sometimes very difficult. 

The Changbin he used to know from afar was confident, spoke when needed. Had an attitude of respect and calmness. But true Changbin was always this shy whether people saw it or not. Saw him blush when talked to, nervously playing with the sleeves of his shirts. 

The elder smiled sheepishly, nervously scratching at the nape of his neck. Playing with his sleeves and leaned his head against the cushions. His eyelashes fluttered as he giggled airily. 

“Then we should hang out… there I asked” 

It felt like a ‘moment’ . One in those dramas where the main character cages the love interest to the cushions. The fluttery music filters around them and you know that’s when they fall in love. 

Of course not all at once. Love wasn’t like that. It was slow and agonizing and painful. Sometimes unnoticeable. Like when you remember their favorite food or know what ticks then off. Noticing when they buy a new shirt. 

All new and yet it slips past you. But then, it hits you with a bang. Like a slammed door in your face. 

Maybe this was a way of Changbin inviting him? Whispering through his pores, singing quiet tunes with each breath. 

“Barely a question, but I’ll take it hyung”  

He himself leaned his head against the cushions, staring at the other. Their faces were close, so fucking close. Breath fanning the others. If he just— 

—Changbin laughed, and all Felix could do was stare. 

No matter how many times he did look his heart would burst even a little. Like he’s never seen him before. Like seeing fireworks, you’ve seen them hundreds of times before yet seeing them once more? The most amazing sight. 

“I think we should sleep… for now" he said quietly afraid to break this—this feeling. 

“I got the cups, don’t worry Lix, hyungs’ got ya" 

It was like whiplash seeing the way the elder walked around like he lived there. He knew where everything was and it’s like he was a missing part of his apartment. 

But he couldn’t think of that right now. He couldn’t think of him like that … 

Getting up he almost shook the thoughts that were racking his brain. The walk to the bedroom was more intense then them just sitting on the couch. Changbin had indeed made himself at home. 

Though his robe was discarded easily without a second thought. Until the elder came in that is. Insecurity zipped through his veins. His chest swarmed with butterflies, face flushing and nervousness running all throughout his body. 

Should he have slipped a shirt on? Was this weird? Changbin would question him if he had acted shy about it right? This shouldn’t be weird between them, they were both guys but Felix was dreadfully aware of every self-conscious thought slithering in his mind. 

So he didn’t do anything. He slipped under the blankets before his mind started to leak and flood the room. There wasn’t a need for words as Changbin came in and shut the light off. He could see the elder’s silhouette in the dark, the sky was starting to brighten up and casting a blue light across his body. Felix could see him shedding his hoodie off and tossing it to the floor with the softest thump.  

His mind blanked once the bed dipped as Changbin crawled over him to settle beside him. It felt more complete like this, like it was meant to be. 

It took a while to sleep though. Even when he could hear Changbin lull off to sleep with his quiet breaths. 

It could’ve been the fear of this itself being a dream. A cruel thing his mind made up. He was scared almost. If he closed his eyes and slept would the other disappear like a mirage before him? Would he fade away once he woke the next day?  

Reaching out to touch the elder. To confirm that this indeed was real was difficult. Because a part of him wanted this so desperately to be real even if it was a lucid daydream. To spare him of the truth and feign ignorance just in case it was all his brain messing with him.  

But his hand was met with a warm shoulder. It was real. Which let him sign with a soft chuckle and finally close his eyes.  

Letting him imagine wrapping the other in his arms. To pull him into an embrace and breathe his air. Tucking his face into the crook of his neck. But those would stay dreams, things to never come true even if he so wanted it to happen.  

He didn’t even realize he was asleep.  

 *

Felix’s eyes shot open to an empty bedroom. His curtains were pulled back and window opened ajar, letting sun and air into the bedroom. The room was lit by the brightest sunshine, sky blue and cloud free. 

He was still groggy, where you can barely move or think all that great. Stretching against the sheets he let out a long sigh as he closed his eyes. But the reality hit him once his thoughts that were wandering came back. He sat up in a panic, fully awake and aware of surroundings. He looked under the sheets and pillows in search for Changbin.  

The bed was undisturbed. No evidence that anyone but him was in his bedroom. Did last night even happen? 

Recalling last night, he rubbed his palms into his eyes. That warmth of the elder had to be real, the bed dipping beside him couldn’t have just been some cruel dream... Right? 

Upset with himself he threw himself back against his bed. A soft thump was the only sound in the room other than his ragged and stressed fueled breathing.  

Grabbing the pillow from underneath his head, slamming it against his face to let out a scream. The next step of his mental breakdown.  

But he heard something. Was his mind tricking him once more? His mind had been proven to be mischievous so far. Sounds from the kitchen caught his attention. Eyebrow raising in curiosity.  

Getting up from the warmth of his bed was difficult at first. As if the comforter had gained weight overnight. His legs paralyzed with dreams, unknowing to be awake just yet. The warmth was ripped from him once the weight left him, tearing the blanket from his legs. Instantly overwhelmed with the chill of the room once he was up and out of bed.  

It felt like a good day. A good sleep. A good dream. With the soft murmurs of birds outside. Ones that sang to him, sifting through his soul like powdered sugar on baked dough. Those soft and delicate feelings of happiness. 

His body was being called, summoned, by the noises outside of his room. So, he quickly left the room and towards the sounds. 

Though the sight that greeted him was almost cinematic. Creeping closer to a dream-like state. Now this had to be a dream. 

The sun that filtered into the kitchen was soft, warm. Changbin stood in the kitchen with a bright yellow shirt tucked into skinny jeans. He looked ethereal and soft, unlike his usual wear. His hair wasn’t neatly styled, just flat and straight. Changbin wasn’t even covered in his usual jewelry or black clothes, just a whole new person. Felix almost didn’t notice the coffee mugs on the table, steaming still.  

With the elders back towards him he could only slightly see the toaster t that waffles popped out from. He could only chuckle when Changbin grabbed the hot waffled to plate them. Muttering under his breath as he jumped and practically chucked the waffles on a plate, 

“O-ow hot, fuck!” 

“Making yourself at home huh, hyung”  

Finally making his presence known scared the elder, making him jump with a tiny scream that was comical.  Which was added to with the angry look he was given when Changbin whipped his head around to look at him.  

“Dude that’s so not cool” Changbin huffed out. Waving a violent—but not so threatening—finger at him. 

“You’re the one who stole my clothes” Felix replied.  

But the elder raised a brow, “So? What’s yours is mine. Respect your elders”  

He couldn’t even argue, didn’t want to. Only laughing and looking at Changbin like he was the most beautiful sunset. Entranced by the mere sight of him. 

Deep down he knew that he would let the elder do whatever he pleaded with him. To push and pull and mold him, he was pliant under the elders fingertips. It was pathetic… but it was love he supposes. 

The lovey dovey kind where you wake up early to make breakfast. Like Changbin was, but different. He knew the kind of love the elder had for him, that friendly love. The kind where you think the smallest mistake would end it all.  

That’s how Felix felt too. He had many kinds of love for Changbin, a bus full of feelings at all times. 

He wanted to be a support system, someone Changbin could always go to. Someone he could also look up to. He wanted to impress the elder and become a better version of himself. But even with this platonic love, this familial respect he had for his friend  

There was that chunk of romantic love. The want and need to wrap the other in affection. To know about his day and be able to peck his cheek or hold his hand. To be someone more than a friend. 

“I’m just borrowing it, I couldn’t wear this bright color alone” Changbin said. 

Of course, he just kept walking around like it was his house. So confident and like he owned every square inch of property. Very different from when Changbin was in his own home.  

The Changbin before him in the bright yellow shirt and fluffy hair was not the one in his own. Felix could recall the fluffy slippers on the elder’s feet and quiet mornings in Changbin’s own apartment. His shy hesitance. 

“Eggos and badly cooked bacon" he avoided eye contact in that shy ‘I tried really hard but won’t admit it’ way.. 

But it was still nice like this. Changbin sliding over a plate of food and his mug full of coffee.  

“Ooh swoon, how sweet” Felix smiled and then he too took a seat across from the other to eat.  

“Shut up"  

It wasn’t outstanding in this ‘oh lord a professional’ cook way like one would portray in a bad romance film. It was frozen waffles heated up in the toaster. With bacon on the side in the messiest of plating. The effort however was something that he could’ve teared up at. 

Not the ‘amazing’ taste of a basic breakfast. The feeling behind it. One Changbin would shy away from if asked why he woke up so early to do this. Because Changbin cared in the sweetest of silences.  

Like bees who pollinate flowers. They do it without a word or expecting applause from us meek humans. They do it for themselves. And the elders ‘taking care ’ gene proved time and time again that Changbin was the biggest softie of all time.  

They ate in silence. Soft silence. The kind of silence in movies, when the background that was previously playing softly had turned up. Consuming the watchers ears with beautiful music. 

With the sun beaming into the kitchen, filtering through Changbin’s locks. Passing by Felix's messy hair and bathing them in morning light.  

They were just chilling around the apartment. Both cleaning up the kitchen after they ate. Felix had decided to get washed up and clothed, boxers didn’t suit him. Purposefully he picked a yellow hoodie to match the elder. Just because he wanted to, because he could.  

Plus, anything would be more suitable around Changbin than what he was wearing this morning. With his bed hair, sleep soaked face and hot breath. He’s just glad that the elder didn’t get that close.  

The morning of course started lazy, waited for the ‘real’ morning to kick in.  Or when most placed were open and crowded. Lingering silence and buzzing of cars starting to tone down once more people were awake. 

Felix was lounging on the couch, looking through his limited notifications. Only a couple social media updates from their friend's feeds, pictures and videos.  

Things he personally was ignoring. Knowing how well their friends were together and happy. That seemed unobtainable to him. Too scared to speak. Knowing the outcome of his choices. He also was searching for good timing. Maybe even anything saying... showing... that Changbin liked him too. 

Felix already cared deeply about the elder and he knew the elder cares about him too. They were close despite freshly being friends, it still felt like they were friends for years. But he understood that feelings were also tricky, that sometimes the hint of love is only platonic. Maybe the elder was fine with just platonic feelings between them.  

Felix felt safe and like he could do anything. Wanted to do everything with his friends, especially with Changbin. He knew that they’d be together forever and more after that. 

He just knew .  

A message from his mother rolled in amidst the other boring notifications. Asking him to visit, but not just him. An open invitation to anyone. It was then that he knew what to do. The ideas swarming his head, finally dropping his phone. 

Here came Changbin wandering over and taking a seat. Deciding to take his seat on top of Felix, laying on the youngers back.  

“Lix,” he called out, playing with the others hair.  

He was warm, like a blanket over Felix causing him to smile warmly,  

“Yea hyung?” 

“We should go out, a new café opened up a couple of blocks from here” 

Changbin then sat up, just enough to let Felix get up himself so they could both sit normally.  

“Under one condition” he stated. 

The elder’s eyes spoke before he did, eyes glittering with curiosity, “What is it?” 

So, he stretched out his arms with a warm gin. At first glance Changbin was confused until he moved over a little, suddenly being pulled into an embrace. One that caused them to topple over on the couch. Felix caging him with his body, his warmth. 

“You could’ve asked for a hug, you know” The elder said flatly, though he brought his arms around the younger’s waist. Rubbing at his lower back. 

“I could’ve” 

He rose, facing the elder whose hair was sprawled over the seat. Pretty.  

“Didn’t want to” And he left to get his shoes with a hop in his step. Leaving the elder there on the couch.  

 *

Walking together was always fun, exploring places they’ve never been before. Instead of being lost whil Changbin walked with confident strides. They were both lost as they looked at the road signs and the maps on their phone screen. 

With no excuse to do so, Felix held the others hand. He didn’t make anything up and the elder didn’t seem to mind. Never really did when he liked it. There was no need to act like it bothered him.  

They were both excited when looking up the location and a cat café popped up in the photos of the place. Pictures of the cats on the screen with aesthetic drinks. No reviews for now, just nice professional photos and nice-looking faces as the owners.  

He’d never been to one before, only heard of these places. Only ever saw them online, like in a fictitious world that didn’t exist. I mean, for the majority of things in this world, most of what Felix saw was online. 

Growing up, most things that were all ‘out there’ were either on television or online, so seeing the building where cats were also going to be was a huge surprise to him. 

He was giddy, jumping around the elder. Holding onto his shoulders as he bounced. 

“Hyung, hyung! Look at them!” 

The cats near the window were stretching while some pawed at the glass, “Hyung look that one looks like you!” 

As he pointed to a tiny black and white cat. Changbin only scoffed, patting a hand on Felix’s own. 

“I’d say it’s more fitting for you, Felix the cat and all. But that’s probably over said”  

“You’re surprisingly the first” He put his chin atop the elder’s shoulder. 

“Leave the cuddling to the cats”  

Felix pouted and got off the elder, kneeling towards the glass to see the swarming cats coming up the glass. 

“You guys won’t be mean, right?” They meowed back in response.  

It was sunny and warm, the comfy warm. It seemed like today the city had decided to take a break, just a little bit. The roads they walked and stores they passed were calm and only a couple of people were in the stores or on the sidewalks.  

The walk there had been nice, it was balmy and welcoming. The streets in the area was more tranquil than others. The shops had flowers hanging, benches cleaned and inviting. Even the sidewalks were neat with flower beds and bushes lining the walkways.  

Felix saw kind faces and children laughing by their parents' side. Though it was way fancier than the main roads and shops back at home. He felt comforted by the home-like area. 

He would imagine purple violets entangled in the others locks, symbolizing his thoughts that were occupied with love. It would make the elders eyes pop, showing how delicate he truly was. 

The inside was even prettier. The cute posters and nice oak tables with cat toys as the centerpiece. There were a couple of people there, two girls in the corner taking photos and two other guys there drinking coffee while petting cats. It seemed like the life.  

A waiter approached, tender looking and with a warm smile.  

“Together?” He asked. 

He was handsome, like breathtaking. Where these people like his good-looking friends and Changbin came from was a mystery.  

But Changbin spoke up, moving closer to the younger, “yea, together”  

The waiter started walking them to their own table, a quaint corner where light surprisingly still shone brightly. The place wasn’t huge, more like a tiny pocket between buildings. But it was comfy.  

Once the waiter walked away Felix just sighed in relief, “Hyung he was so handsome I thought I would die"  

Changbin raised a brow judgingly, looking back at the waiter who was serving other people.  

“He’s alright, have you seen me?” he framed his face with his hands, smiling cutely, “he can’t beat my visuals”  

Which was true. But it totally ruined his self-esteem in the moment. Just because he wasn’t as handsome as Changbin didn’t mean he wasn’t better looking than Felix. Which he was.  

“I’m envious" he pouted. 

The waiter’s skin was clear and smooth, and his smile was breathtaking. If he tried to replicate it, he felt like he would break, unable to capture such beauty. Usually these thoughts would come to mind. Questioning his worth and how Changbin viewed him personally. 

“Why?” Changbin looked up at Felix. Eyes scanning over his features and he freezes up. Wondering how the elder saw him, what he was thinking when he gazed at his face critically, 

“You have the cute freckles, all he has is a cute apron” 

He could only mutter a small thank you that even he barely could hear. Thankfully the waiter came by to drop off menus which ended their tension filled conversation. 

Though he tore his eyes from the elder to look at the menus. 

That didn’t mean that the thoughts just disappeared without a trace. Like leave blowing in the wind and disappearing into the setting sun. No, they stayed there, bubbling and festering within his mind. 

I mean what else was he to do? It felt like the café walls were closing in on him and Changbin, like it was just them two. But it was suffocating. Trying to contain the feelings Felix was carrying that was overflowing. It would surely drown them both if he didn’t just calm down for once. 

He knew that Changbin wasn’t a, ‘looks matter’ person. The elder wasn’t that type of guy. But even so those worries came running back and he could only ask himself, ‘what about his ideal type’ . Everyone had one, and for Felix, Changbin was his ideal type. From looks to personality and who he was as a person.  

Felix worried about it a lot. What if the elder was seeking a taller guy than Felix? Or had different tastes of personality, what if he wanted someone like him that enjoyed the insides and not going out like Felix. What if he was looking for something more, someone with a sparkle which Felix knew he did not have?  

If he didn’t speak up soon, he knew he would word vomit or worry for too long. He didn’t want to get upset because of his own thoughts.  

“Hyung, what are you going to get?” he asked Changbin after giving a glance to the menu. Actually reading it instead of staring at it and worrying. 

Even the menu was cute. All had cat names, but mostly sweets and coffee. They also had cute little cat designs as the prices, cringey but cute. 

“I want the Purrman iced coffee, it has caramel and whipped cream" he said cutely. Feet playing with Felix’s under the table. A totally different person than a second ago when his eyes were fierce and scary.  

“They have cat shaped cookies hyung, can we get some?”  

“Anything you want, Lix”  

Those words made his entire chest bloom with love and warmth.  

Just them two, ordering and just chilling together. Cats came over during the wait for their food and drinks, meowing happily and rubbing against their legs.  

They got to feed them and play with them, soft and kind cats just surrounded them. The one that reminded him of Changbin came along by some point, taking a nap on his lap once his drink came.  

“Hyung, this one is cuter than you" Felix smiled, taking a sip of his sweet drink. 

“Nothing is cuter than me" he replied. 

“Debatable” 

He shook his head, ”It’s fact”  

They weren’t there for long before Felix was reminded of his mother’s text message earlier. When the couple of people left and more joined. When some cats were sleeping and more left their nap room into the café room. 

Felix was still nursing his iced coffee when he brought it up. As casually as he could he spoke up, “So, do we have any other things planned for break?”  

Changbin froze for a second, finishing a bite of his cookie. Firmly shaking his head, he sat back in thought.  

Fiddling his thumbs and nervously tapping his feet against the wooden floors. 

“My mom texted me about wanting me to visit back at home" he spoke up.  

Changbin nodded, “Dude, no problem. You should go and take nice photos like you did last time, not like we have any big plans over here" 

He was always so understanding, still munching on the cookies. Looking soft and delicate across from him.  

“She also invited you to come, if you’d like to?” There, he asked it. 

Changbin stopped chewing, stopping his actions for a second before continuing. 

“I mean… I’d love to but I don’t want to intrude”  

“N-no!” Felix quickly interrupted, grabbing the elders hands, 

“I want you to go, if you’d want to” 

There he was, smiling brightly. Grabbing and playing with the younger’s fingers and cheeks swelling up from his large smile.  

“if you want me there, I’ll go, I get to see your home you know?”  

Just look in a mirror , Felix thought to himself with his own large smile.  

You’re my home.   

*** 

The early morning was cold and bright. Though the city lights stayed on, buzzing with electricity. The sky was bright, a bright glowing blue as the morning called. The breeze would be pleasant in other circumstances however. 

Maybe if it were a chilly afternoon, nursing some hot drink. If he was resting by the windows reading (especially if he had Changbin close by and had their skin greeting in silence). 

But outside in his pajamas, having it constantly hit him and ruffle his hair too fast to try and fix. He was carrying a slightly heavy bag on his back as he walked. 

“Lix, it’s so fucking cold,” Changbin hissed from behind him.  

They weren’t fat from the bus stop but the breeze felt like they were slowing down. Like in Wind Waker, when Link gets pushed by wind forbidding him entrance to the wind temple. Only moving slowly to their destination. 

Felix stopped, shuffling his bag off, “I have a blanket in my bag, you can have it hyung” 

It was mostly Changbin’s fault, thinking shorts would suffice at 4am on a spring morning. But he wouldn’t rub it in when he knew Changbin at this time was sassy. Especially with no coffee in his system. 

“I can make it, we’ll warm up on the bus" 

“You sure?” he hesitated moving again.  

But the elder just nodded with a small curt smile. Handing out his hand however once Felix slipped his bag back on. 

“Huh?” he questioned at the gesture. 

“My hands are cold" 

I mean, any excuse to hold his hand was fine by him. He was just being a great dongsaeng is all. It was something he would’ve done for any of their other friends. 

Thankfully by the time they got to the bus station it had just pulled up in the parking lot alongside 10 others. They already had their tickets and only one bag per person so warm seating was coming soon. 

Which greeted them quickly when Changbin’s pace suddenly started to increase. Running to the bus and pulling Felix along with him. 

It was like déjà vu hit him in the slowest of ways. Like they ran slowly, able to see every individual strand of the others hair move as the wind hit it. Time had seemed to slow down. Like each step was light against the asphalt like they were clouds. All he could feel was his heart bear racing in his chest. 

Then suddenly the smell of coffee hit him. Rushing feelings and sights started to form. All subconscious yet so real. This wasn’t the first time he’s been pulled this way by the elder. 

But his feelings were replaced . Those original memories of eating with the intimidating elder. The person he thought hated him so much. That dreaded feeling of not bring noticed or liked by Changbin. 

Now they were replaced with happy feelings. Memories of Changbin teasing him and petting his hair or playing with his fingers. Nothing but love enveloped those old feelings and memories and rewrote them within seconds.  

Then the feeling of cold air rushing into his lungs. The swift air running across his face and through his hair. Reality came back to him. 

He didn’t even notice they had gotten on the bus and found seats by the windows. Consumed by feelings and numb to the world around him. His wrist still buzzed from Changbin’s touch, like every piece of skin that the other touched or breathed near or shared air with always buzzed. 

“—Lix, Felix" Changbin was poking at his arm. 

He jumped a bit, looked over at the other who looked back with expectant eyes. His hand outstretched towards Felix. 

“Can I have the blanket? The seats are cold" 

That was a snap to reality. “U-uh yes! Sorry I was lost for a second there” 

“Oh I know, you looked spaced out, you should sleep dude"  

Felix chortled as he got the blanket out, a small fluffy one to cover his legs. The plastic seats were cold, no doubt. More cold with his bare thighs hitting it once his shorts rode up higher. 

“Is that better, hyung?” he tried tucking the sides of the blanket in the best he could. Grabbing Changbin’s hands to hold and warm up. They were practically ice he was so cold. 

Changbin nodded with a hum, looking out the window. The bus rocking as more people boarded. It wasn’t long before the station became small as they drove off. 

He wondered if Changbin had ever left the city himself. The passing buildings and crossing buildings was a normal sight for him. Remembrance of his first time on a bus entering the city flashed before his eyes. 

But once they left the city the bus was enveloped in a darkness before the automatic lights turned on slightly.  

Thee tall buildings started to disappear into tiny buildings and strip malls around them. Although it was a little bright it was still dark. The sun hadn’t started to peak above the horizon yet. Just a haze of dark blue over the world. 

However, he did not notice that the elder had dozed off. Not until he felt his weight on him, his head laying on his shoulder. Felix also forgot the hands he was holding, playing with his fingers before he let them go. Better not to get too comfortable with touches and gestures like that.  

If only the elder was awake, he could see the sun rising, the colors fading from soft blues to a bright yellow over the horizon. The world lighting up more and more. 

The creeping trees came into view and fields of grass started to peek out. He took a deep breath of relief. He was home. Changbin was here with him with their bags by their feet and warmth being shared. 

When the bus started to slow and enter his towns bus driveway the elder stirred awake. Looking up at Felix who had made eye contact with him once he felt the elder moving. 

“Are we here?” he grumbled out, snuggling more into Felix’s shoulder. 

“Yea were here" the bus stopped with a hiss. 

They got off the bus with only one difficulty; stripping Changbin off of his arm. Having an iron grip as he was still tired and said he ‘needed the warmth' still wrapped in the blanket. 

Though as they walked to the cars being parked, Felix couldn’t see his fathers car. Then he saw a silver car pull up and park. 

Oh no… 

“Felix!” there was his mother getting out of the car and approaching really quickly. 

That got Changbin to let go, suddenly awake, “Felix is that your—” 

“Yep" and both of them were in enveloped in a hug. 

“I thought dad was picking us up?” Felix asked once they separated from the hug. 

“I told him to stay home, I wanted to pick you up this time “ she cupped his shoulders, looking over at Changbin with a questioning look. 

‘Is that him?’ she mouthed and Felix knew he would regret his life once he nodded. Instantly her attention was on the elder. 

“So you’re Changbin! Felix talks about you all the time, Felix you didn’t tell me he was so handsome" She patted Changbin’s shoulder and Felix mentally smacked a hand across his face. 

This was going to be a long trip.  

But most of these comments and teasing silenced once they got into the car. Riding home in a nice toasty car. 

The silence was lovely, with just the tiny comments from the elder and his big smile at the town. Felix would sigh in relief at how Changbin showed interest in where Felix grew up.  

The glow in his eyes was so sweet, like stars twinkling as his cheeks were swelled with excitement.  

He was enamored by the house and plants outside of it. The bikes in the front yard recklessly placed there. He would take moments to appreciate the photos on the walls and the kids drawings on the fridge. 

The sight of Felix’s room caught him speechless for a few seconds, “so this is your room… wow" he breathed out after a long pause. Shuffling his bag off and placing it by the dresser. 

Changbin was delighted by everything in the room. Even the pull out bed that creaked when being set up. 

“I’ve never seen one before" Changbin said in awe, running his fingers on the sheets.   

As they got set up for bed it was Changbin who talked his ear off about everything and anything. Wanting to visit and do all these things. It was refreshing and heart warming to see and hear how excited the elder was. 

It was always calm and quiet yet chaotic growing up. Everything was always the same and nothing really changed other than roads getting fixed now and again or the occasional tearing down of an old store. Nothing interesting was ever in town but seeing the elders interest made Felix bloom with happiness for where he grew up. 

Surely, the morning had to be different, dragging Changbin’s good mood once he realized how boring it was here. Felix could only think that way when he dosed off to sleep to the sound of the elders soft voice talking. 

But when the morning came, when you could hear the kids running in the halls. Felix’s room had the bright sun spilling into the room and surpassing the thin curtains. He was sure that Changbin would’ve woken up agitated and regretted coming over all this way. But when he woke it was to an empty bed in front of him. Not only did déjà vu hit him, panic did also. 

But this time it actually looked like the elder was still here. His bag was still there by the dresser and the blankets he used were neatly folded on the bed. But the sheets were rumpled up, evidence that he was sleeping here. So it wasn’t dream. 

And he heard his laughter rippled throughout the house and the panic dispersed. Turned into happiness and woke him up better than coffee ever would. 

When he did get up to see where he was , to see him cooking with his mother… he couldn’t describe how he felt. 

How seeing both Changbin, someone so precious to him and his mother who he loved so much both look at him with a smile… it surpassed the feelings of happiness, more than euphoria, something more but indescribable. 

When asked how the elder slept he responded with a grand smile, “great actually" said that the house ‘was alive’ and not empty and quiet. 

“It was peaceful, whenever I was home for holidays it was just dreadfully silent”  

Which made sense. Changbin had said his parents were rarely home and when they were they liked the silence. He didn’t have any siblings and his home was just an over expensive apartment he slept in. 

Finding peace in his home was impossible, “it’s always nice with you, you know? I like when you’re there when I wake up"  

He didn’t like to be alone and Felix hated not being around the elder. So, it was a win-win for both of them if they always hang out. 

 *

Which their plan was to hang out around town. Getting ready and dressed for the warm day of adventuring to come.  

Even in the dark clothes, the ripped black jeans and black hoodie the elder looked cute. The sleeves were oversized and huge, creating sweater paws on him. 

He packer all his jewelry, making the old Changbin come back for a split second. Those harsh eyes, dark clothes, the intimidating appearance. Yet not him at all. 

If he saw this Changbin before knowing him, he’d probably shudder and avoid eye contact. But he knew him, knew how not threatening he was. 

Felix of course was in his regular, non fashionable attire. His hair wavy, Jean’s light and folded by the ends and a cream sweatshirt that was thin. He didn’t wear jewelry, he didn’t suit him. Felix only hoped he didn’t make Changbin look bad. 

He couldn’t dwell on those thoughts; shouldn’t dwell on them. 

Not when he had Changbin asking him if his jewelry suited him. It felt like a sweet and romantic, like asking a significant other if you looked good.  

Felix wanted to hold him and tell him how handsome he was. But instead he just nodded, “I like it hyung" which was a basic answer. It seemed to suffice once the elder stopped looking in the mirror. 

For the time they’d be here, Felix’s father had offered the use if his car. Even giving him a reassuring smile to not worry about coming home so early. 

It seemed his parents were trying to play matchmaker with water and oil. He and Changbin would never mix, but he appreciated the support of his parents very much. 

But it was Changbin’s idea to go around town. Said he wanted to see where Felix grew up. 

“You’ve seen all of my home,” Changbin said. Which was true. Most of the time when they hung outside of the apartment, it usually was at Changbin’s ‘spots’. 

His territory he claimed growing up. 

“You can take me anywhere, even places you think are boring”  

Those words soothed him slightly but he knew there were major boring places he used to hang out compared to his hyung’s skate parks and secret restaurants.   

He drove anyway even with these nerve wracking feelings. No knowing if he was entertaining enough at all with his little stories of sights that passed by them.  

It started with the small things at first. 

Passing the ice-cream place he had tried once with his little league team. Names he forgot but faces that sang to him within memories. The dry summer air was all he could recall a hundred percent, and the muddy cleats he’d walk home in.  

Houses his old friends lived in with a lake in the backyard. There was a road down the side of the houses, meant for the boats to be driven down. While also being acts if roads to get it the other houses driveways.  

 The road was mainly dirt, with trees overlooking them. Grass growing tall without management, just showing no one had been here in a long time. Even the grass was growing to reach the porch of one house. Through the stairs were flowers and weeds growing from the cracks of concrete. 

He didn’t remember the road being so short. Remembering how his short legs would take forever to get to the docks when he was younger. His legs being tired once he reached it. 

The dock was also tinier once they got to it. The bridge to the dock was also covered in water just the same as he remembered.  

But it wasn’t scary anymore. He knew he wouldn’t fall thought or drown, it was just a dock. 

One he went fishing at once with his father, the water cold and he was left frightened. Thinking at any moment he would tip over and drown. 

“You up for crossing that?” he asked. 

Without hesitation, without answering the elder just strutted across the bridge to the docks. His boots with somewhat of a heel being submerged partially in water.  

Though before he had time to cringe thinking about wet socks Changbin spoke up. 

“My boots are waterproof” was all he said before taking a seat on the wood if the docks. Which Felix joined easily after with a little hop to a more shallow area to step in. Not minding his shoes to get wet just a bit. 

Sitting next to one another they let loose. Their feet dangled over the dock slightly, close to brush the surface.  

The sight before him was one he already knew of but recalling it now, it became a beautiful sight. When he was younger he supposes he was too young to appreciate the sight of the lake.  

From the dark color of the water that you could barely see the things beneath it. To the bright green trees that circled the area. The sky almost azure but darkening near the bottom showing the time that has passed. 

The buildings across it peacefully settled down and with their own docks of their own. There were fishes swimming around and nipping at the bugs who floated on the surface.  

“So…” Changbin started, looked over at Felix. 

“So?” Felix replied back. 

“When was your first kiss?” he abruptly asked catching the younger off guard. Choking on his own air and sputtering on his words. 

“Hyung!” his face flushed. 

Changbin only laughed, almost huddling over like he had said the more hilarious joke, “What? I’ll answer too, it’s bonding time, reveal your secrets kind of thing"  

“But it was so sudden, warm me next time" 

The elder put a finger to his lips, a gesture he had once done himself, “Our little secret, no one else is here"  

“Alright…” he started, thinking to himself as he looked at the expanse of water in front of him once more. 

He could heard the birds chirping and water sloshing around. But he could recall the memory, vague yet so clear. 

“I was eight and it was with my friend, nothing that special” 

 “Awe, little Felix" he cooed, poking Felix’s cheek, “mine was freshmen year of high school also nothing special” 

This was just many parts of their conversation as they walked around. Exploring the deep parts of the surrounding trees of carved names and failed tree houses. The bonding of 20 questions transformed their friendship, deeply affecting it within seconds. 

And one could think that is impossible. But even the entire world could change within seconds. I mean, the lower could go out all over the world and plunge into darkness. The sun could hide away and never return. 

Even humans mere breath takes seconds. A simple act as that, yet process so complicated all at once. A person could fall asleep in seconds, they could die. And for Felix, those seconds was how long it took to fall in love.  

As straightforward and yet gruesome as it was, it was true. 

But the docks wasn’t the only place they went. They rarely left the car though, looking at more stores and areas around the town. The backroads and more family homes passed them. Stories were spilled, coloring the streets with their tales as they progressed around town. 

It was after they ate at a small restaurant on the towns main street. Buildings in rows as they faced the streets and basked the asphalt in light. The buildings old yet welcoming with the many people walking in and out of them. 

They of course were are people Felix knew, waving and sending looks over to Changbin. Felix had never been the talk if the town like this then when he was in sports back in high school. Which of course represented the town. 

They say at the club of the street, the roads barely busy. Only a couple of cars would drive by within minutes. But most of the town by now was going to sleep. 

The store lights shutting off more and more as times passed. Most of the family owned business’ lived on the upper floors too. Saying a goodnight to Felix and Changbin when they closed up shop. 

“You know, I thought I’d see more cows around when you said you lived in the countryside” Changbin spoke up with a dry chuckle. 

Felix smiled, “Yea they’re mostly outside of the town really near the actual farms" 

“I’ve never seen so many trees or grass filled before either. I like it here…”  

“You’ve never left the city before hyung?”  

“Not really" he shrugged, “I never had a reason to" 

They finished their food in comfortable silence. The soft breeze passing them by as they drove around more. Changbin refused to go back home until the night was over. 

“I just want to be with you more” Changbin said with a smile. 

It seemed like he always knew what to say. No matter the vulnerability, no matter how deeply it affected Felix. But he probably didn’t know what his words did, what his actions caused for the younger.  

Felix only felt warmed by his words. Hear skipping a beat and filling his soul with static. He just wanted to do as much as he could with the elder before break was over. Before this excuse of being together no longer worked with it ‘ being a break ’. With them having ‘ no other people to spend it with ’. 

They were already running out of things to do and see. Though, as they passed a sign announcing the upcoming school grounds. Changbin got up all excited, 

“Oh Lix, Lix! Let’s check out your school"  

(Felix also remembered a time where Changbin took him to his own school. He’s never seen a building with bars before. Other than the town jail in town people were rarely in). 

The school looks just like it always did minus the repainting of the playground and the new plants outside of the school itself.  
The fence around its perimeter was also the same, maybe looking older than it used to. The school didn't see a point in replacing it until it was completely falling apart. 
 
But he could see the highschool and middle school down the grassy hill. The schools were always closely, also the only schools in the area. People out of town but close have to go to this school instead of their own towns school. Because their town didn't have a school.  
 
Felix smiled at the sight of the green top, named that from the use of green concrete the school used. There the swings stood, the tall swings that looked like giants when he was younger. Now seemed to only be a little bit taller than he, but not humongous. 
 
"I remember trying to get the swings before anyone else, you were cool if you were on the swing set" Felix said with a smile. 
 
However the playground wasn't exactly public and their own public park had been out of orders for years now. Old and rusty with overgrown grass all around it and a little pond over flooded with water. 
 
"I think you're cool without the swing set" Changbin said matter-of-factly and shook the fence with his hands. 
 
"Should we sneak in?" Felix asked, looking at the unlocked gate.  
 
Changbin looked at him with a raised brow, "I wouldn't consider it a break in, it's a playground"  
 
"Yea, one we're forbidden passage to enter, there was a sign, it's definitely a rank 3 crime in my book" he pulled open the gate and walked in with ease. Leaving a chortling Changbin to follow behind him. 
 
"What's a rank 1 crime to you then?" He asked, kicking around the pebbles on the floor. 
 
"Stealing my heart!" Felix laughed at his own joke. Which Changbin just shook his head with a chuckle, 
 
"That's something I would say, I'm rubbing off on you too much. Don't follow hyungs example"  
 
But they did end up by the swing set. Just pushing slightly with the balls of the feet. Changbin however was pushing with the tips if his feet, his short self not able to reach his feet all the way against the woodchips. Felix also maybe or maybe not have given the tallest swing to the elder. The chains pulled over once or twice of the bar from kids throwing the swing over it.  
 
They mostly talked about themselves and growing up on the way to the park so it felt like they had nothing to talk about. Which wasn't bad, not really. It meant new things could be talked about now that all that foundation of basic information was shared.  
 
He was sure that if they grew up together he would've known everything about the elder and this would've been easier. Not a rush of short explanations of stories and experiences. This was worth more to him, the build up of them and their story together. Like learning a new word and using it all the time. He liked knowing even the tiny things about Changbin. But so far in their journey of friendship Felix found someone who would last a lifetime. Who was like a childhood friend to him. 
 
He shuffled his feet and dug into the woodchips until the layer of dirt was exposed. It was just something to pass the time of them just swinging by lightly. 
 
"Hey, Felix" Changbin called out softly.  
 
Looking over at him was always so breathtaking. Even now as the sun was starting to set even though they werent even out for long. But his hair flowing in the wind and the sun hitting his face at the perfect angle. The golden hour blessed the elder in so many ways. 
 
"What's up hyung?" He stopped moving. Planting his feet to the ground. 
 
"I'm about to be really cheesy again so like, spare me please" he started to say, starting to fiddle with the chains. 
 
"Hyung you can talk to me about everything and anything, you know that" he reassured. 
 
"I know... I'm just nervous I guess? I hate being vulnerable" 
 
The world really seemed to revolve them too because it seemed to me froze. Just for Changbin to able to talk however long he'd like to. It was peaceful and quiet and just them two in the entire world.  
 
"Felix I like being around you, and for a while I actually feel like happy happy. And it's not like the rest of our friends don't make me happy. I don't know..." he looked down to his feet, "I love my family and I know they love me too but they're barely there. With you I feel like I gained that feeling of family and love and being protected? Am I making any sense?"  
 
Felix quickly replied, "of course you are, hyung you already know I'm grateful for you being there for me. I truly think the stars aligned and brought me you"  
 
"Now you're being cheesy!"  
 
"I love that you're a part of my life, can't I say that?" Felix asked. 
 
"O-of course you can. You know I feel the same way, at least I hope you do, you're a great person and I admire you"  
 
Felix was glad to have this friendship. Truly he was. This open feelings and nothing but respect and platonic love for one another. Of course he felt more than platonic for Changbin but that didn't matter. Even if he didnt like the elder, he'd still feel this happy being around him. Grateful for the star in front of him that shone and twinkled just for him. 
 
"Well it's the same for me" Felix replied, looking out at the expanse of trees past the old fence. The flowers blooming and the sun that rested above and through the clumps of leaves. 
 
"You’re the bestest friend I’ve ever had and I really can’t imagine my future without you"  
 
Which he's sure would catch anyone off guard with sweet and vulnerable words like that. Changbin although known for being kind and a great guy, he was never this emotionally open. He was playful and more of a jokester when the other guys were around. 
 
But here, in the park of Felix's childhood. With just the younger and him. Changbin would open up, flourishing whenever Felix was around. Whether Felix knew that himself was a mystery.  
 
"Ah, hyung!" He teared up, wiping it away before they fell with his sleeves, "you said cheesy not emotional"  
 
Which lightened the mood perfectly, both laughing and just starting to actually swing.  
 
It was just them in the sunset, walking around town a little more. Talking even more. Just being in each others presence, and loving each second.  
 
Changbin would tell him of his own stories of his childhood, making sure to not let Felix feel like he was rambling. Making him feel comforted when I talked for too long and the elder just smiled and nodded for him to continue. Asking questions or humming to be more engaged. Like every word Felix said mattered, because they did matter and so did Changbin's words.  
 
The home was quiet once they got back to it, making hot chocolate and watching whatever was on television. It felt right, and nice.  
 
Yeah, Felix thought to himself, this was the perfect time to confess. 
 
And he wasn't scared about it.  
 

*** 

Most of the next couple of days were all nice and memorable in their own way. The soft sun against skin as they woke up. Early morning breezes brought in by open windows, the fluffy blankets shielding them from the cold. 

Cooking breakfast with his mother while Changbin watched cartoons with his little cousins. Bonding and laughing with the children. Leaving droplets of love around Felix, sparking the wooden floors with fire, with passion.  

There were many times they were left alone in the house or out and about around town. But Felix loved it all the same. The flourishing feelings and growing domesticity between him and Changbin. Waking each other up by laying on one another, helping getting their day started by bringing coffee to each other. Or silent words exchanged in the dining room over breakfast. 

It wasn’t anything outrageous. They weren’t in Hawaii at the most grandest resorts. They were in Felix’s childhood home with wooden floors soaked with memories. Dents in walls that brought back so many good memories. If you stayed quiet, they’d whisper to you, muddied under the night breeze and crickets. 

He wondered if Changbin had heard the mumbled memories? If he felt the memories within the fibers of the sheets and blankets. If he replied with heavy sighs in the morning or his quiet steps against the tiles of the bathroom or wooden floors of the kitchen. Did he mingle with the murmurs of the air around him? Felix could only wonder. 

Here wasn’t a beautiful town with perfect white homes on a hill overlooking a wondrous sea. Sometimes the road cracked, the rain created dark murky puddles. The grass overthrew some neighborhoods and wild animals roamed the night. Cars drove too fast when it rained, soaking your shoes and Jean’s if you were in their line of fire. Sometimes old ladies would scream at you for taking to long in the grocery store. 

It was home nonetheless. Even with the not so perfect nature of it. The vestige of his youth and now replaced by his burgeoning adulthood.  

However, in a short moment that little playground trip had changed things as well. Brought them closer together. Like open paths in a game, unlocking more endings between them. 

The night they came home they both talked more. The silent home full of sleeping people, and the mere whispers shared between them over mugs of hot tea. Words he remember in forgotten order. Yet they impacted him them deeply. 

Like flowers growing through the cracks of rock and concrete. Slicing through and sprouting. Bursting with feelings and emotions. They stayed and festered, filling the cracks with more buds and greenery. 

Changbin was that flower, sprouting within Felix and bursting at his seams. Raising up through his pores and consuming him. Yet he felt comforted, felt safe. Even as the thorns scraped his flesh and kneaded him like pliant dough. 

Love was like that, painful yet precious. No matter what, he wanted to care for the flora. Water them and praise them for their gracious colors and impeccable beauty. Accepting this deep connection, becoming one with this flower.  

Changbin was open, like a lily pad against the calm cold waters. Accepting the sun and nutrients. Talking about his upbringing, never showing any real deep feelings about it, 

“I can’t change it” he’d say with a shrug, “just live past it and be happy"  

His cheeks rosy, glowing along with his eyes. Like mere fireflies against the lily in the cool of the night. Bright and reminiscent of something deeper. 

That attitude made Felix glimmer with an aurora of inspiration rupture through his chest. With the confidence, credence with himself that Changbin had and carried at the tips of his fingers. It was moments like that, that he really fell in love with the elder. Even simply understanding him more was lovely. 

What was important was that Changbin told him things you’d only tell your best friend. Things you’d say behind doors and spoken lowly, shared in looks and touches. That itself made Felix so happy, so full of light. 

But such tall and development in their relationship led to monotonous, uneventful days full of happy moments. Normal days that he could experience even if it wasn’t break. Yet this was more special. Especially when if was just them . 

Waking up on the sofa with Changbin somehow in his arms after a nap in the afternoon. The elders head on his arm, close together with a blanket thrown on them. 

( Thanks, mom ).  

Changbin became clingy the more relaxed he got, causing random hugs and more remarks from him. Which was how he was normally with their other friends.  

Which felt like an accomplishment, like an achievement across a game screen that was his life. He finally caught up with the rest of his friends, finally at the racing line… finally. 

It was a breath of fresh air to finally be able to look at Changbin at the other side of the track. Though here he was on the start line, and he couldn’t see the rest of his friends. All that muttered was him and his goal. 

Changbin . 

With every morning routine together, clothes shared, memories told. He got closer to the elder, like he could touch him, yet too far from reach at the same time.  

They would be doing nothing, hanging in the kitchen and eating snacks when Changbin would take his phone out. Snapping a photo of Felix with unkempt hair and a stained shirt. 

“Hyung! Delete it, I look terrible” Felix whined, chasing after the elder around the kitchen. 

“Felix don’t worry,” he giggled, even after the chase ended with him backed up against a wall. His hands behind his back to securely keep his phone hidden.  

“Don’t send that to the groupchat, I’ll get clowned and never forgive you"  

He didn’t even realize the position they were in, the way Changbin was cornered to the wall. He was framed in by Felix’s hands on either side of his head, looming over Changbin. Even with him pressing him there, the elder kept his hands firmly behind his back. They were close, too close, almost a single breath apart.  

Felix could see everything from this distance, the way his lips curved. The soft slope of his nose. Just the ways his eyes looked, searched, darted around Felix’s face with the most delicate of beady eyes.  

He should’ve expected much, but he didn’t think about it when he started the chase. Expected this to be a fleeting moment, a mere quarrel that left you laughing. Hunched over with giggles. 

Instead he was frozen in his spot just staring at the other who seemed calm between the younger’s hands that boxed him in. He didn’t budge, didn’t move even when Felix’s hands dropped and he stood straight up. Changbin seemed content where he was, like a cat laying in the sun. Soaking up the warmth.  

“They’re just for me, Felix" Changbin said coyly, calmly removing his hands from his back. Leaning against the wall casually. 

The quiet way he muttered those words cracked shivers down Felix’s spine. Like soft silk against bare legs. Comforting and luxurious. He’d have to know the effect he had on the younger, the way words turned into blood rushing to his cheeks. Overheating him as if he wore several coats.  

But he wasn’t, he was in pajamas yet felt he had taken steps in the scorching desert. Burning the soles of his feet. 

“I was taking photos for me, for memories” he explained further. 

“J-just us?” Felix asked timidly. 

But Changbin smiled, pushing himself off the wall and more into the younger’s personal bubble. It seemed that he ways did as he pleased, “of course just us, I wouldn’t do anything to make you uncomfortable” 

“I know you wouldn’t hyung" 

And the elder just chuckled, lightly tapping Felix’s cheek before he walked away, “you’re a dork" 

“You never complained when I took those other photos” 

Huh?  

“What photos?!”  

 *

After buzzing around the house in their pajamas for a while, they finally decided to get ready after lunchtime. Time seemed to pass so quickly when it was just Changbin and him. He was grateful that the small act of watching movies on the couch was enough for the elder. 

Changbin was an honest person at heart. He spoke up when bored. Showed emotion when sad, he was open and honest. Just another thing to add to the list of reasons he was so amazing.  

But as soon as they were on a roll of movie binging, of course something had to go wrong. The dvd case was empty and not even the disc was found amongst the collection they have in a dvd holder for the ones who lost their case. It was one of those lost movies you never remember what happened to it. Disappear off the face of the earth but you can’t through the plastic case away, what if you find it? But what if you never do? Life was like that… 

“Ah hyung it’s not here" Felix whined, dramatically tossing himself on the couch. Sprawling over the elders thighs and losing all control. Plopping his entire weight down in one last sigh. 

The elder chuckled, patting his back, “we can always illegally watch it, Lix"  

"That's illegal" Felix said matter of factly, turning over on Changbin's lap. It was too late to actually move from where he was though. Nice one you idiot, he thought to himself. 
 
But thankfully they were closer so he could do this without it being too weird. It was a friendly gesture, just laying his head atop the others thighs. It seemed fine when the elders fingers threaded through his hair, combing it, calming it down from the mess it once was. It was natural, meant-to-be and just... right. 
 
"So? Don't you like bad boys?" He raised a brow quizzically, with a playful smile and rosy cheeks.  
 
"I am a bad boy"  
 
"Oh are you?" 
 
"Yea bad at everything"  
 
The elders head drew back against the couch cushions, chuckling. His hand moved deftly, patting Felix's cheeks. 
 
"You're good at a lot so shut up, no self degrading on my watch"  
 
He beamed, closing his eyes with a soft sigh. This was home. This surrounding feeling of adoration and harmonious feelings overwhelmed him. Choked him yet kindly caressed him in his wake. His heart amplified, plugged into several speakers and blasted all about. Breaking the floor beneath his feet as he walked. 
 
Though it was welcomed and embraced. He enjoyed that feeling of overflowing in his heart. When he couldn't stop smiling and laughing, all by the same cause. All because Changbin was in his life and just breathing along with him, sharing the same air and enjoying each others presence. 
 
"Being here has given me a lot of inspiration for my music" Changbin spoke up quietly. 
 
It was just for him to here, even when it was just them two in the house. Not even the floorboards could soak them in and take their memory. Just Felix. Maybe he was overthinking it all, making it seem like he was more special than he actually was. But it didn't really matter, not when he was enjoying life like he was right now.  
 
"Really?"  
 
He nodded, "Of course, I like being here, being with you. It's cleared my mind a lot just soaking up the countryside"  
 
Felix shook his head at the claim, "You'll forget all about it once we go back home"  
 
"Never, I'm a certified country boy"  
 
"You're a dork,” Felix chortled. 
 
"It's part of my charm"  
 
God he loved him. 
 
When he saw Changbin he flushed, inflamed within himself. His stomach coiled and butterflies scratched his insides. The pit in his stomach flourished and all he wanted to do was touch, a chaste touch and feather light kisses across supple cheeks. To take care and pamper him in the softest of ways. 

At the end of it, this moment, he had to get up. Though the warm was ripped from him by his own actions, it quickly returned once he sat up straight next to the elder.  

He was looking for illegal websites links to the movie but his mind blanked. Their knees brushes against each other, pressed together once they got comfortable. It reminded him of the first time their knees brushed in the same manner, different yet still the same.  

When they were just people in the same friend group who decided to study together once night. When Changbin’s dark clothes and piercings were alarming, sending chills through his entire body. Terrified of being scrutinized under the elders harsh gaze.  

If Changbin hadn’t have gotten up to get a drink he would’ve been stuck on his mind for a while. But something else captured his attention. The link of the local drive in theater that had a list playing's of old movies. The missing DVD found amongst the list.  

At most Felix thought the elder would find it appealing slightly. Better than being holed up in the house. When he had returned with a cup of water Felix had told him his findings. He wasn’t expecting the response the elder had given him  

Changbin’s eyes widened, cheeks seemed as a smile wildly spread across his face. Felix would’ve never thought he's see that expression in response to an old, rundown industry. Last time he had seen that kind of expression as when Changbin got some new equipment for his studio. Or cute corgi patterned socks. 

(Sometimes he really acted like an old man finding out the grocery store was having a sale on unsweetened almond milk).  

So like always they started their routine together. Tranquilly and smoothly moving along with one another. They easily danced around one another without any issues. They showered after each other, starting their day as if they weren’t just laying around the house lazily. With Felix fresh out of the shower after the derby had finished up, a twerk loosely tied around hid waist and he brushed his teeth.  

Changbin always looked good. Especially as he did his regular routine, rubbing some expensive suds into his perfect skin which oddly was a beautiful sight. The way he blow dried his hair and deftly picked clothes was charming. The adoration of a simple act was something Felix found himself doing more often than not.  

It was like loving the way your friend looks when they talk about their interests. The buzz of excitement when you get someone to talk about what they like. That love and appreciation for just someone breathing and living their life, for breathing like they normally do. For just existing and putting these normal and mundane things into the world to enjoy from afar. Just enjoying the way life unraveled and how people interacted with it. 

He also took care if Felix like it was nothing, applying some cream to his face carefully. Ring finger softly patting under his eyes , even passing him some expensive lip balm, “ hyungs ' gotta take care if ya ,” was all he said with a small smile dancing on his lips as he put some earrings into Felix’s ears effortlessly. 

By the time Felix got to washing his own face, the elder returned. Clad in a sweatshirt that definitely wasn’t his, and briefs. Coming in to style his hair   

“Hyung, you shouldn’t have packed if you were just going to steal my clothes”  

Changbin scoffed, freezing his nimble fingers brushing through his locks. Making eye contact with the other through the mirror.  

“You’ve never complained” Changbin pointed out. 

Which was true. Felix secretly liked it, the claim and domesticity of it all. Knowing it was his clothes on the elders smaller frame, cascading down a thin waist and malleable flesh. Settling down by his mid-thigh, letting just a peak of his briefs show through. Ones that definitely seemed too tight. 

A heat bubbled in the pit of his stomach. Just as any other person would at the sight of anything as pleasing a view like this . He was in love yet these feelings of butterflies and pathetically meek thoughts of what it would be like to kiss the elder… it reminded him that although he grew up well and matured. Deep down he was indeed still a youth at heart and soul. 

It was a childish love where everything felt too much all at once. Where the mere sight of bare skin caused his heart to race and cheeks to flush. Where words lingered with meaning, wrecking his brain with thoughts over what they mean. Deciphering even the simplest of hellos. Translating the tone and affliction of the tiniest comments that most would gloss over. But not Felix. 

Not when he felt this way. His glass not half full or half empty, it was too full, bursting and cracking its container. Dousing himself in emotions and feelings for someone.  

Yes he was in love, and he was also pathetically crushing on a boy, a guy. It was right and risky all at once. But he couldn’t care less about it, living risky for himself and the limited time the world has gifted people. Going all out rather than suppressing these feelings that enveloped his every thought and movement. Creeping up behind him in the shadows before turning into what drove him to do anything.  

Felix has never felt this way before, this right. He’s been in love before, has seen the most beautiful people. But it wasn’t like this… it wasn’t this suffocating and thick around him. It was just tiny love, where you could never imagine a future with a person, only a tiny pocket of love. Which for a teenager, was alright with Felix.  

However, this was different. He wanted and would treasure it forever, for it wasn’t just love. It was friendship, companionship, something more than a fickle moment in time you forgot slowly and slowly as time progresses. More than imprints of feet in the sand, only to be wiped away by water or wind. Better than land that will slowly be eroded by water over time, waiting for the impending moment of the world overflowing with water.  

It was deeper, thorough, more profound than those minuscule and insignificant relationships you have and forget about over time. 

“I don’t mind you borrowing my clothes" Felix finally spoke up. 

“Borrow?” Changbin asked, “I’m keeping this, I’m cuter in it" 

Felix caught the playful smirk on his face as the elder pulled his jeans up, hoping until they were properly on. He knew it wasn’t serious, they already melted the line over what was their actual clothes or what the other left behind. They were relatively the same size other than the oversized pieces for certain pieces. 

By this point Felix was sure some socks in his drawer at home weren’t hit. The chains and random black shirts in his wardrobe were also not his. Pajama pants he found the elder wearing often were his. However, they never returned such things, it wasn’t a second thought to grab those clothes. No after thought of, ‘I should return this’ instead there was a small matter of a ‘is this mine?’ and uncaring shrugs as they continued with their day. They already blended and bent the line of what was theirs or not.  

For someone who was so impactful to him, getting rid of them all, returning them would be wrong. They belonged there in some odd way. He wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure at some point their belongings will be returned, switched along the way. But even so, when back to their original owners there will always be a piece of them behind. 

The sand carried weight of the other and fibers murmured the stories of their last usage. Purring out their journey against the others skin once they wore it. 

“Alright hyung” 

For the time being it was silent between them as they got dressed. Just silent and swift movements amongst one another. Felix only slipped a tee on along with Jean’s. Nothing too fancy, nobody to impress  

They both knew that the ride there would be long, just a little further passed the cornfields. Closer to the calm backroads where most quiet adults settled. Away from any schools or locals stores. Just the peaceful silence of the grass blowing in the breeze, the welcoming farmers markets that sometimes lined the roads besides the farms.  

He packed the blankets before they left for later when the night became cold. Ready for the trip ahead of them, for the long roads that dragged on. The sights of nothingness, bleak and repeating sights of grassy fields and broken roads.  

Despite a long journey, the drive there was worth the sights. They passed white painted homes and broken sidewalks. Entering never ending grass fields, animals grazing behind the fences. It was a view he had seen plenty of times. 

The sun in the distance gliding against the road. Clouds mingling with the leaves of the trees. The grass whistling a tune of familiarity. 

When stop signs or clear straight roads approached Felix would peak a look over at the elder. Now that was a view. The sun hitting the elders face, lighting up the slope of his nose and across his pink plush lips. 

His head was leaned against the door, window pulled down. It drew in the breeze and the soft smell of the grass. It ruffled his locks ass if the winds fingers also wanted a feel of Changbin’s locks.  

Sometimes he would gape at gape animals, “I’ve never seen a real cow before!” he would exclaim either a giggle. 

He’d pull his phone out to capture the sights of the corn fields. Things Felix has always seen like a passing billboard on the side of the road. He had never found it so beautiful until now, until Changbin was enamored by it. 

They finally arrived at a backroad, entirely made of dirt and surrounded by trees. The only lights were from the flashlight of an employee who seemed to be selling the tickets on feet. 

It was in a glade of the forest, grass matted down cars driving on it. The projector screen was huge, larger than he remembered. 

Though behind where the cars were parked rested a tiny building. For the drinks and popcorn or any other service. 

Thankfully they got a good spot to park after paying for their tickets. Only five other cars around them in the large area.  

“You want to get some popcorn, hyung?” Felix asked as he grabbed some blankets from the backseat for them both. 

Changbin nodded, quickly exiting the car with a hop in his step. 

The ground was bumpy, just evidence of the cars tires that once shaped the earth. Now covered in bright blades of grass to hide the damage. 

Though the building was farther to reach on foot, it was small with only one employee there. Seeming to be re-cleaning already clean areas and counting cups. Filling up the time for the not busy service they’d have to endure for the span of the movie. 

Though they werent there for long, mostly getting popcorn and drinks. With Changbin’s hands pressed against the glass begging for sweets. Which of course Felix gave in, bringing a smile to Changbin's face. 

They heard the commercials starting to play through the speakers on the counter. Which led to Felix grabbing the elders hand to run back to the car. 

It was exhilarating, that short run back. The shortest and smallest thing such as running to not miss a movie was something Felix never thought he’d get so giddy about. There was something about it now that made hiss chest feel heavier. He knew if they did this any other time it probably would feel different. He supposes its because this moment in time was more significant. 

This time he felt the words he wanted to say had more weight. Because now  everything was different, every look and touch was something more.  

“So… how does this work?” Changbin asked pulling Felix out of his squabbling thoughts. 

Felix snickered, pointing to the radios dial,  “you have to connect to their frequency”  

But the elder only raised a brow unable to understand his words. That is until Felix grabbed his hand, ignoring the burning of their skin touching. Turning the dial until the spew of advertisements came through the cars speakers. 

And then a smile erupted on Changbin’s face, then a small chortle which turned into giggles as he fell back against the seat, “I’ve never done that before" 

“You’re a dork"  

The elder pouted, wrapping himself in a blanket and leaning his body towards Felix, “you’re so mean"  

“Hardly” 

“What are we watching anyway?” Changbin sat up straight, looking at the screen playing a variety of ads. 

Felix grinned largely, brightly, putting his seat back slightly, “a great film about dancing, my inspiration for joining ballet when I was younger" 

“You in tights? That’s dorky"  

“I looked great ”  

But then the screen faded to black before the movie started up, breaking them into silence. And then, the music started up as names flashed across the screen. Then in bold pink letters, Dirty Dancing appeared and Felix got giddy. 

The movie was his mothers favorite film which slowly grew on him. Most of the movies he knew were all courtesy of his mother. Fueling his passion for dance since he was younger with all the dance and musical related films. 

The movie was a class, Patrick Swayze during this time may or may not have been his gay awakening. (Either that or prince Eric, which was an inspiration for why he wanted to dye his hair. But otherwise, great movie, and a romance at that. Felix was a romantic at heart). 

For a first time watcher that Changbin was, Felix felt the awkward tension growing as they watched the movie. It started sweet and quiet, the buildup of the plot bubbling breathe it all. But it was overheating Felix, wiggling in his seat. 

The part where Baby carried a melon up to a staff party, only to be taken by surprise by the dancers on the floor. The heat and pressure between people as they dancing against one another. But Changbin only stared with a gaping mouth and a ghost of a smile upon his face. 

He stayed focused on the screen. Questions for how anyone even moved their body that way spilled out in hushed whispers. Chuckling at Baby when she says shyly, “I carried a watermelon" 

Felix was just glad that the elder was enjoying himself. Both eating their snacks and popcorn until there was nothing left. 

Though the scene that really captured Felix’s attention was when baby was being taught how to dance. The sweet yet stern way Johnny taught her, cared for the stage and the way they owned it.  

How he crammed years of experience in just a short amount of time was impressive. Inspiring. Sending euphoric feelings throughout Felix’s body.  

“I don’t know how Baby does it, I can’t dance for the life of me, Swayze can’t even teach me" Changbin breathed out, chin in the palm of his hand. He looked intensely at the screen with a curt smile. One that blossomed slight panic, but the good kind. Where it felt like your heart ran a marathon and strangled you with butterflies lodged in your throat. Any second and you would burst. 

“I know it by heart,” Felix spoke up “my mom made me learn it” 

“Prove it"   

Felix’s mind froze, “w-what?” 

He chuckled, “you said you knew it, I want you to prove it” 

“Alright”  

Which was how they ended up outside in the grass, door left open in order to hear the movie.  

It was cold outside, but not enough to notice. Well not for Felix at least. He could only feel the rush of his heart beat rather than the cold night breeze that surrounded him. 

Usually he’d get bothered by the possible eyes that were on them. But everything around him just shut off. It was dark, it was just them and the many who cared more about the movie than a couple of college students.  

Felix broke the silence,  

“So, you'll be—" 

“Baby" 

“Ye-yea”  

For a dancer, Felix was used to partners. Used to knowing their spot and position on any surface to perform. But now here was Changbin, inexperienced with shuffling feet against the grass and bad stature. His moves were faulty without knowledge of the steps and hesitance in the smallest of moves. Trying to mimic what Baby was doing. 

Felix’s hands faltered at Changbin’s hips, afraid to touch. Just awkwardly hovering there without purpose.  

“Move closer, shoulders straight, hands up"  

Changbin followed suit, mimicking Baby’s arms loosely, “like this?” he asked. Looking up at Felix for guidance. 

Which took him off guard as he focused on the elder. Eyes gleaming under the night sky. Face lit up by the screens lights. He looked soft and ethereal and it took a lot of strength to hold back from kissing him as if the stars were falling. Desperately and soft. 

“Yea, now move your feet like this”  

It was wobbly and Changbin couldn’t stop looking down at his feet. Stumbling and feet moving with lack of confidence. But it was sweet to see him try, giggling whenever he messed up.  

“I understand Baby's pain fight now" he chortled, feet stumbling and tripping over one another.  

It felt like it was just them, like the world cancelled out and a spot light had shine down on them both. Twinkling in the darkness, illuminating their form in this glade.  

The light of stars surrounded them with soft clouds. Like a certain scene from his favorite show. But he knew he only felt like the stars and clouds were surrounded them, only felt like they were alone together. Not outside where anyone could see them. 

He wasn’t a half space alien whose appearance was just a figment of light with mass, they weren’t merely a hologram created via their ‘gem'. They wouldn’t fuse either. That wasn’t realistic, it doesn’t actually happen. They wouldn’t glow, looking into each others eyes and know. That they were made perfectly for one another. 

But his hands finally found their confidence and purpose at some point. Pulling Changbin closer with a hand on his lower back. He probably shouldn’t have pressed their hips together so carelessly. Even if it was to support his weight while he dipped him. 

When the elder squealed and giggled he was reassured that it was okay, pulling him back up. But then they were chest to chest, face to face. He didn’t even realize his hands had rested at the elders hips, thumbs running along his sides. He was brought back from his thoughts in seconds however, letting go with a chuckle. Nervously scratching at his nape. 

It all felt long. What mere seconds of fucking around and playing out in the cold happened for a couple of seconds. Ones that dragged on for hours in his mind, felt like it happened for eternity. Like they were there for longer. However, it was just… seconds… quiet seconds packed with thousands of feelings.  

But they of course had gone back into the car at some point. Into the warmth and under the comfy blankets. The rest of the movie was filled with Changbin joking around at certain points, Felix singing along to the songs. To them enjoying their time together along with the movie in front of them.  

Then the ending was nigh, the credits were rolling as the ending song blasted. This tiny moment was over. And he could only be overcome with anxiety, he could hear the clock ticking away. Could see the cars around them slowly drive out and away. 

All that was on his mind when he finally started the car to leave was the impending doom. His heart crashing in his chest, throwing itself around his ribcage.  

He knew what was to come. 

* 

The ride home was dark and filled with the radio playing lowly. Changbin had talked his ear off about how much he loved the film, loved the music choice for certain scenes. All Felix could only smile and listen, watching over him all small in his seat. 

His sleeves covered his hands, knees pulled up to his chest while he talked. Even in the dark Felix could see the rosy blush across his cheeks. The excitement rushing through his veins. 

It seemed the way back to town was a quicker journey than he expected. Because seconds into the ride they were surrounded by lights, back into town on the main road. 

“Baby Changbin is hungry” Changbin had said with a pout and a sweater paw to the younger’s lap. 

“Talk to yourself in third person again, we don’t get to eat" though the threat was empty because he still pulled into the towns diner’s driveway. 

“C'mon I’m cute" he flopped his sweater paws around.  

Felix snorted, shaking his head and mumbling a “be right back" before leaving the car. 

They decided to eat outside, chilling on the hood of the car. Changbin was still wrapped in a blanket, the car windows rolled down to let the music of the radio spew out. 

At this moment it really was just them outside on the roof of the car. The town was starting to sleep leaving them with just the stars watching down on them along with the streetlights. Coddled by the sweet voice of Troye Sivan in the cold of the night. 

The lyrics hit him differently now however. Just the ‘dance to this' part made him blossom in the cold of the night. The moments happened mere hours ago where Felix’s hands still burned. His fingers remembered the way Changbin moved and the feelings that came with touching his pliant body. A fleeting moment yet forever lasting feelings swelling in the tips of his fingers. 

They ate the diners burger special, talking about just anything. About the quiet nights and the stars above. About themselves and the world around them, the possible worlds that could exist or never did in the first place.  

“What do you think the others are up to right now?” Felix asked. 

Changbin shrugged, shuffling his feet back and forth, “I haven’t asked really, I’ve been too busy with you" 

Felix nodded, running a hand over his cold bare arms. They never really did anything outrageous. Sometimes they did nothing but stay huddled on Felix’s bed. Silent or talking to one another about whatever was on their mind. But hearing that even throughout the mundane nothingness, Changbin felt happy and content with that. With Felix. 

I mean, the elder had voiced this before. But this reassured the younger, made him feel like he was doing something right. Like a gold star at the corner of your paper, signifying the hard work you put in. 

He felt a blanket casted across his shoulders, pulled out of his thoughts.  

“I have the sweatshirt, you be warm I’m fine" though he shivered, rubbing his own arms to stay warm. 

He muttered a small thanks under his breath, warmth spreading within his heart and throughout his body. Just how it always did with Changbin. His smile never wavered as he wrapped the blanket more around himself. 

If he offered for him to share the blanket would that be weird? He hesitated, fingers still nervously playing with the edges of the blanket. 

But confidence had struck him within, the fading of the song on the radio, moving to the next song. Somehow it matched the feelings of the moment. Each beat mimicking the twinkling of the stars, the crickets chirping and the buzzing of lightbulbs. 

Maybe it wasn’t the song that gave him confidence, maybe deep down he was just accumulating more confidence with the elder? Maybe, maybe not. Whatever it was, it caused him to slide over to Changbin stretching the blanket around his shoulder. 

“Hyung shouldn’t be cold either” 

Changbin snickered,  looking over at the younger who looked back instantly. They both laughed at the limited space between them. But they didn’t move, they just stared forbade moment before Changbin looked up into the dark night sky. 

“In the city I could never see the sky like this" the elder breathed out. Like a whisper only to Felix. 

“Yea...” 

His eyes still fixated on the side of Changbin’s face. And it felt right. Their knees touching and warmth shared.  

Yea , he thought to himself , this feels right . 

“I like that you like it here, hyung" Felix spoke softly. 

“Of course I do. Plus you’re here’s it’s just peaceful” 

It was time to say something, to do something. But he wanted to consume this moment all at once. Wanted to soak in it for just a while longer before he let his heart go completely. 

Every moment was transient cold spell of a moment. You can only recall certain points in hour life. The small moments during movies, the certain sights during road trips. Felix could only recall so much.  

 Nonetheless he wanted to remember this . 

The sights of the night sky peering down upon them with the breeze talking amongst themselves. The song of the crickets lulling the town into a deep sleep, the radio lowly humming love songs from a channel he doesn’t recall turning the dial to. 

He wanted to recall every moment, even the repetitious ones of them just sitting, cooking up something to say or basking in the silence. 

But, it was time . He breathed softly, running hands down his thighs to wipe the sweat of his palms. His hands becoming clammy the more nervous he got. 

"Hyung?” Felix spoke up, like a bell jingling after a long silence. Shy and hesitant.  

“Hmm?”  

“Do… Do you know when things are just right? Like when you get a shirt you love so much at the right time. And meet the greatest friends at the right time?" 

"Yeah, of course. Like it couldn't have been a day earlier or later. Right then and there"  
 
"Exactly!" He exclaimed, lighting up with happiness, "hyung when I'm with you it always feels just right"  
 
"W-what do you mean?" Changbin asked. He moved his body towards the younger, facing Felix. 
 
"I just know we were meant to be friends, to get to know each other, to be here right now on this car. I've never felt so... put together before? Am I making sense, is this stupid?" 
 
"No of course not,” His hands were taken into Changbin’s own “Keep talking” 
 
"I was scared of change a lot growing up, of ruining things. But no matter what I do when it comes to you, I feel so sure of myself, not afraid of anything when it comes to you. You're my conclusion to myself and when I look at you I know I see something more"  
 
"More?" 
 
"I was afraid to tell you how I feel. Because I like you a lot you know? And I don't feel scared anymore of that, of me ruining what we have. Because you're you, and I'm me. We have one another even if you don't like me back" he paused, sighing. 
 
"Hyung I like you, I want to be something more with you. I want to be a great friend and keep supporting you but still call you mine"  
 
"And what's holding you back from getting that? What if I liked you back just as much?"  
 
"I mean that'd be ideal hyung. But even if you did or you didn't... I just know it'll be okay because it's you"  
 
The silence he was getting in return was heavy. Not knowing if it was good or bad that it was taking a while for Changbin to reply.  
 
Because it could’ve been because of multiple things really. Maybe he was trying to word how he didn’t feel the same in the nicest way. Or getting ready for the harsh rejection and hope they'd be friends after. Which was alright with him but it would still hurt and he knew he couldn't turn the clock back on this great change in their dynamic. 
 
Their touching would have to cease and forget about sitting close or sleeping in the same bed. It would be turned into something weird between them for a while before it drowns out and turns mundane again. With the same wall of "don’t get too close" so it's not awkward. 
 
But he did it and that was the important part. Getting this immense pressure off his chest and being able to breathe for once. Even if he felt another weight on his chest, not being able to be close to Changbin anymore. 

“Felix, I can practically hear your thoughts" Changbin cupped his face, scanning his face in worry. It gave him comfort, his hands were warm despite the breeze. 

Changbin got off the hood, getting out from under the blanket. Pulling Felix by the hands until he stood up himself. Following the elders movements to the drivers side. 

“We can talk in the car, alright?” 

Felix words by this point were gone, stolen, only being able to nod and lead to sit in the car.  

Once they both were in, Felix could only feel this heavy dull weight of this tension between them. But even so, Changbin hadn’t said anything. The impending rejection was making him anxious. He could practically taste the words the elder was going to say. 

Changbin reached over on Felix’s side, locking the doors before he settled back in his seat. 

“There, now I can’t leave, I’m not going to run away or anything okay?” 

Felix could only nod, playing with his fingers. Hoping the time would pass faster because it was just dreadfully slow. Dragging on a single moment into minutes. 

“I didn’t know you felt like that Lix, well… partially” Changbin sponge up, adding a peace to the prolonged silence. 

“What do you mean?” Felix asked. 

“I had an inkling that you liked me, but nothing too serious. So I never felt the need to tell you I knew, or tell you how I felt”  

“Well… how do you feel?” 

“How do you think I feel?” 

“ hyung " he whined. 

They seemed to revert back to their own time. The clock ticking and running normally once again. Their bickering continued and it felt like they were back at home fighting over the movie to watch or dinner to eat. His heart felt lighter, as if relieved within seconds by the elders teasing. 

“I always thought you knew? Even if you did I should’ve said something, so I’m sorry” 

“Knew what?” 

Changbin sighed and huffed, slightly annoyed at being vulnerable. Now he was a nervous wreck. 

“That I like you, I kind of figured you knew. That we were just flirting the entire time". 

Maybe a small part of him knew? But Felix was an oblivious person, having anything that wasn’t spelt out for him was hard for him to understand. He would’ve never guessed that Changbin felt the same. 

From his point of view, Changbin was acting like himself. The ‘himself' he knew the elder to be with anyone else. His happy go lucky self that friendly flirted and cared for his friends. 

But there was never any moment that felt like whatever he was feeling was reciprocated. There was never a glimmer, or a sparkle, anything that murmured into his ear or sung to him. Nothing that indicated that Changbin shared his longing looks or feelings. He never even thought about the times he wasn’t paying attention that Changbin shared the same longing looks and loving touches that only they knew. 

“We’ve been pretty dumb, haven’t we?” Changbin asked, playing with the ends of his sweatshirt. Leaning back in the passenger seat, throwing his head back with a sigh. A soft chuckle after. 

They’ve locked eyes for a quick second, both bursting with a smile.  

“You thought I liked Chan! Who’s the dumb one now?” Felix buckled over in laughter. 

And they were back to normal. Probably more normal than ever. More honest and free. 

Felix didn’t shy away when he gave longing looks and was caught, nor flinch away when Changbin had touched him even with a little brush of fingers against his own. Holding his hand calmly as if they had done it a thousand times before, with their feelings open at least. 

They didn’t have to talk much, sometimes even just a few words meant more than a spiel of them would. They somehow understood one another like that. Effortlessly like wind blowing against leaves, creating conversation without even having to say anything. Understanding with just the softest of whispers. 

Though Changbin was more of his sun to his flower, blooming open in the morning. Glowing as he was touched lightly by its beam of light. But then he’d be hidden and weeping once it slipped away into the night. But his sun would promise his petals to return. It was comforting , he was comforting.  

* 

The sights around them although the same seemed to change before Felix’s eyes. Like he saw them in a different light now. Roads broken and cracked seemed to no longer whisper in groans as they drove home. Overuse rumbling them and grinding them down to a thin layer of asphalt. Now they seemed to sing the sweetest of hymns and welcomed him as he drove. 

Warmth was all he felt, from the heating in the car and the elders hand that was on his knee. Rubbing a soothing thumb across it calmly. Acknowledging the others presence. 

It was like a soft ‘hi' to someone familiar you see in the halls of your childhood. A smile to someone passing by, hoping that it brings joy to them. Adding tranquility and peace to a once chaotic day. 

It was like a blanket he covered a sleeping Felix as they stood late in the studio. Yet so much more . 

By the quiet, dark roads and undisturbed homes, he wasn’t expecting anyone to be up by this time. The neighborhood was echoing the sounds of trees talking amongst themselves. Comforting birds that chirped to their children, telling them to sleep well. 

Which when they arrived, the house was silent. But not because of people sleeping, it was the silence of emptiness. The driveway was empty, though maybe they were on their way back. Though the note on the fridge confirmed they had spent the night elsewhere. He however ignored his mothers remark of ‘good luck’ , crumbling and tossing the note away. 

He probably shouldn’t have told his mother his plans to tell Changbin how he felt. Also regretting telling her about their plans for today , he had done when Changbin was taking his shower. 

(though, he was glad to have this peace, even if he knew the teasing that would ensue once she returned home).  

It was just them. In a way of reminding him of his teenage years when he’d get to be home alone for a few hours. Saying a little ‘freedom!’ aloud as he danced around the house. Ate microwavable food for dinner, stood up late with a the lights on, even drank coffee at night. You know all the things rebels did. 

Although his teenage years are far behind him, he still felt that way. Felt that excitement of being home alone. At least it gave Changbin and him time to talk. 

In the car they mostly talked about their plans back in the city and break that was slowly ending day by day. Usually it wouldn’t have lasted this long. Being with Changbin was a new experience everyday. 

Every second was a prolonged moment, every word a single memory. By this point he had a whole section of his brain dedicated to Changbin. 

“Want some tea, Lix?” ah, there he goes , Felix sighed to himself filled with tranquility. Changbin who had gotten comfy within his home granted the mugs calmly, getting the tea pot as well. 

“Sure, hyung" he chimed back. 

After setting the pot on the burner, light fingertips grazed his arm, Changbin carefully removing the ear ringing in Felix’s ears, 

“Go get comfy alright?” 

His fingers left imprints, one you couldn’t see, only feel. Leaving behind gold sparkles in his wake, causing bubbles of emotions to pop. Felix wondered what color his fingertips would leave behind. How long they would stay there. Wondered if Changbin would let him try to so. 

Though he rural wander off to get undressed at some point. Seemed like they shared a thought in this moment. Like they both knee what was to come. Deciding to get comfy and settled in before they talked. 

It would’ve been nerve wracking, but it was Changbin, it was them . So he wasn’t that nervous. His heart pitter-pattered like rain against the roof, fogging up the windows as the heat inside caused condensation to roll down. But it wasn’t raging rain that blasted against the shingles. It did not pelt down the petunias and peonies, or create deep murky puddles. 

He only trembled with slight trepidation. But he had no burgeoning fear festering up inside him. Just the feelings he had spilling out all around him. Like a soft filter puttering against calm waters. He didn’t even rush month to contain it, just let it over power him. Let it cover him like a warm blanket. 

Clad in pajamas they sat on the couch when they finally got tea, steaming and heating up their hands. Facing one another they sat cross-legged, sipping on their steeping hot tea with hesitance. 

“So…” Felix spoke up first, setting his mug down. 

Changbin followed suit, locking eyed with the younger. He looked smaller, meek. Eyes doey and large, glittery and sparkling. He looked like he was the youngest, needing to be taken care of. 

“What are we?” Felix asked quietly. 

Sure they liked one another, but where do they go from that? What were they comfortable with? What were they uncomfortable with? So many things and questions he had on his mind. 

Almost overwhelming him, fogging his mind with unpleasant thoughts and doubts. 

Yet again Changbin was attentive. His touches and words careful, cradling him. His presence nipper at Felix’s skin and coddled him with small smiles. 

“I’d like if we were exclusive, if I could call you a lover, if that’s okay with you" his hands settled in Changbin’s hands, his thumbs caressing his knuckles, “anything is fine" 

“I’d like that, you'd know, I’d tell you if something is too much” 

Changbin nodded. 

That’s all the elder did. Reassured him that anything he did was fine. Trying to do the best of his ability was fine. That at anytime if anything was too much he would back out of it. 

And yet, Felix never felt a need to. That comfort was enough to sooth his fears or anxieties. 

“I also like the title boyfriend, something official for us, I want to be with you" 

Even when Felix broke out into a smile, he fell more for the elder when he still asked,  

“Is that alright with you?” 

Asking him if he was okay, even when he absolutely was okay. He was ecstatic. 

“I’d like that a lot" 

Boyfriend.  

That word rattled around his brain, jingling a wondrous tune. Tasting like sweets against his taste buds. 

They could hold hands! And give each other chaste pecks goodbye after dropping one another to class. He could go around calling Seo Changbin, the dark-auraed musical major his boyfriend! 

It felt like the greatest upgrade in any game. One if his closest friends becoming closer to him than ever. Like a child in a candy store he was excited, ready to consume every sweet evening he got a stomach ache. 

Nothing changed either. 

They got close if anything. But they still talked normally, and watched movies normally. But now he could longingly stare at the elder. And also feel when the elder gave him those same looks. 

Like now. 

The television playing Curly Sue played softly in the background. It filled the empty and echo-y sounds of the house as they relaxed in the peace. On their phones or just casually watching the movie.  

They weren’t doing much. However when watching Sue play poker with the maid in the clean and spotless apartment, he felt himself warming up. 

Felt himself being watched from the corner of his eye. When he turned to meet the elders doe eyes, Changbin didn’t even shy away. His eyes that stared at him only locked eye contact firmly and he let a small smile across his face. Cheeks rosy and shiny. 

“Hyung at least act shameful about getting caught, you’re so coy" his own cheeks reddened. 

Changbin only snickered in response. 

He didn’t even care the second time he was caught merely minutes later. Possibly not even noticing how intensely he was staring. But possibly he did, always doing things on purpose. 

Caressing the elders cheek with his hand he smiled warmly, “what is it hyung? 

“Could I try something?” Changbin asked softly, like if he said it any louder he’d break Felix. With a delicate look and caring smile. 

“Sure hyung" 

By the tone, the way Changbin moved, he knew what was coming. He couldn’t help but heat up, cheeks burning and flushing at just the thought of what was to come. 

He scuttled forward on the couch, hesitant yet calm. Brushing a few strands of hair behind his ear attentively. His palm cupped Felix’s cheek, thumb running over his soft skin, over his myriad of freckles. 

“You’re pretty" he breathed out. 

Felix’s own ragged breath seemed to falter, stuttering with just a small comment. A simple compliment. He wanted to know how Changbin saw him, if he was as breath taking as he. If he felt his own hands buzzing when he touched Felix’s skin. 

Because Felix looked at Changbin as if he was a fairy, like his eyes glowed like a thousands star. His eyelashes were pretty the way they laced his eyes, fluttered against his supple cheeks. But he also saw him as this amazing guy, attentive and caring fairy who sung to his flowers and carefully took care of everything around him. Who loved strong and gently. 

“I think you’re the prettiest,” he continued. 

They both leaned in, his fingers finding themselves gravitating to the elders hips. Needing something to hold. Something to keep him steady. 

And it was his pliant skin, his fingers gripping and grazing against it softly.  

And they kissed. 

Short yet lasted a lifetime. He tasted like chamomile, sweet and soothing. His lips warm and welcoming and soft so fucking soft. Of course he thought about doing this, about pressing him against something but this was way better. It was a little kiss yet not enough but also too much. His brain blanked, lost in a maze of solicitude. 

Time froze and all that mattered was getting closer. Their lips pressed against one another and fingers dipping into his hips. Grounding himself on only his sense of touch. Of feeling .  

Felix wishes he could say, ‘what a perfect first kiss' but is wasn’t his first. A long shot from it really. He wasn’t Lucy, he didn’t have short term memory loss. He was Lee Felix, an aussie who grew up in the countryside, who was pulling Changbin against him as their chests brushed up against the others. Seeking something more. Something firm to be protected by. 

Changbin delivered in the most careful of ways, fingers running through the younger’s hair. Petting him, taming the locks at the nape of his neck. 

And then all at once it was ripped from him. Like pulling a blanket off in the dead of the night. Letting the cold consume you completely.  

Though Felix was left devoured in bliss, exhilarated from the kiss. Chaste and yet bordering into something more . 

But the fingers in his hair stood there before slowly removing them, hands sliding down his neck delicately before dropping by the elders sides. 

“Wow" was all Felix could say because he realized he said it aloud. Slapping a hand to his forehead and hiding his face within his palms, “Why did I say that out loud?!”  

“No, not it’s cute" he pulled Felix's hands away from his face. 

If anything it made it worse, Felix dropping his head against the elders shoulder. Fitting perfect against him, lips grazing his shirt clad shoulder. Taking in the elders scent. 

It was like an array off flowers , as if he laid there for hours on their flower beds. Smelling of rich peach nectar with hints of night blooming jasmine. So sweet. 

“Hyung you can’t just say those things to me… my heart can’t take it,” he whined out. 

“I’ll compliment you as much as I want, boyfriend ” the elder snickered with another muffled whine from Felix into his shoulder. 

“What will the others think?” Felix chuckled, finally lifting from the others shoulder. His mind already making up scenarios for everyone’s reaction to the news. 

Changbin only shrugs, smiling at Felix with a soft, ‘there’s your pretty face' which Felix was ‘nope-ing' to. He was not going to become a nervous wreck again. But Changbin leaned in before he got a chance to react. Sneaking in a kiss against his lips, leaving Felix gasping and the elder giggling.  

“Everything will be fine… as long as I got you hyung,” Felix chortled, squishing Changbin’s cheeks within his palms. Just happily staring at the elder like he was a pile of gold bars. 

“Were you always this sappy?” Changbin asked, with fake disgust lacing his words. But he easily broke into a smile of his own as Felix got closer. Though even he looked at Felix like he was the prettiest thing he’s ever seen, he felt that way too. 

“Get used to it” 

He engulfed the elder in a hug, knocking them over on the couch. Knocking the air out of Changbin with a ‘ ooof ' leaving his lips.  

They laid there, the elders hands found running over his back. Rubbing in soothing circles as Felix snuggled closer. 

“C'mon big baby, let’s head to bed,” he patted his lower back. 

“ You’re the big baby, ‘m not leaving" 

“What, you’re just going to stay here Lix?” 

“Mhm, warm" 

The elder sighed softly, yet you could hear the smile in his voice. Running a hand in his hair, petting Felix once more. Yea, he could fall asleep like this. With Changbin. 

They don’t know what will happen later. What will occur tomorrow or weeks from now is unknown but still clear. Its foggy and there’s likely more than this to come, but they have each other. As cliché as it is they don’t need anyone else. Nor do they need someone to tell them what is to come for them either. 

But right now they’re in the moment. Holding one another and knowing everything is going to be fine for them both. What they both know is they’ll never hear the end of it. 

At some point they did end up in bed together. Just laying and staring at one another, slowly lulling into sleep. It felt right, felt perfect the way they fit against each other perfectly. Like his body was waiting for Changbin to be pressed against him right now. To have his head tucked under Felix’s chin and legs tangled as the blanket cradled them both. 

The night was peaceful, the stars looking down upon them. Watching them, singing for them. The quiet of the night allowed them to hear them, hearing their whispers amongst one another. And the tunes from the moon whisking through them in flurries.  

They can practically hear their friends screaming, “Finally!”   

And Felix couldn’t wait for what was to come.