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Taking refuge inside the Dean mansion wasn’t on Nico’s preferred list of optimal, or even acceptable, plans but with Leslie trying to hold onto her family and few better options presenting themselves, the runaways hunkered down on the rebound in the pristine walls of the Dean estate for the time being with two injured members and a new whatever it was onboard inside Leslie.
Seeing Karolina, weak but alive, resting in her bedroom surrounded by evidence of her childhood maturing into young adulthood, was disorienting for Nico. She’d been in Karolina’s bedroom before, she’d been in every PRIDE kid’s room but being in love with her and being back in here was like being eight all over again and thoroughly confused why the little blonde girl seems to be so drawn to you but this time with context. For the last week and a half, Nico had scarcely left Karolina’s side. It was a numbing, recurring pattern that was almost anesthetic for how poorly she felt: Karolina would sleep, like the dead almost (but not dead, not actually dead, Nico would remind herself every time the fear of that breathed on her neck), then stir into lukewarm consciousness. While the opportunity presented itself, she would be fed (when she’s most awake so she won’t aspirate any of it, Gert had reassured her), watered, and washed when applicable (carried off by Molly to the bathroom where they would take turns helping, although Nico had reservations about seeing Karolina even slightly undressed for the first time like this). The guard would change every couple of hours or days, whatever Nico could be convinced easiest to do. That was mainly Gert’s job: make Nico go outside, make sure Nico ate and bathed and drank something, make sure Nico stayed alive (she chided her often on that, what’s the point of Karolina getting better to see that you have neglected yourself to your death hm?). Nico found herself not just soft for Karolina but soft for all of them (despite her best efforts) so the lot of them wiggled under her wavering resistance whenever applicable.
Today, Nico had been assessed for condition early so she was in fresh clothes and had been gently coerced into eating a fully organic breakfast courtesy of Gert and the stocked Dean family cupboard. Karolina laid surrounded by fluffy golden pillows and blankets on top of off-white sheets (how is it possible she is so sunshine-y and wonderful all the time, even unconscious?Nico thinks, leaning back in a rolling office chair she commandeered and brought to Karolina’s bed side as part of her command central). Her hair is tucked behind her and her head rests facing the oversized round window that Nico thinks fits Karolina perfectly. She holds Karolina’s left hand with her right. Her left hand is engaged with a book of Mary Oliver’s poetry that Nico had scooped up off Karolina’s bookshelf. The words are earthy and full of emotion, and Nico smiles thinking about how it makes sense that Karolina owns this book in particular. It’s that thought that has Nico just slightly distracted so she almost falls out of her chair when Karolina grips her hand with more strength than she has had in days and opens her eyes several times. She hasn’t spoken since she was rescued so it nearly brings Nico to very un-Nico-like tears when Karolina says her name in a sigh that Nico has to catch like smoke slipping through her fingers.
“Kar! I’ve – we’ve all been so worried, you – you’ve been asleep for so long and we didn’t know how hurt you were or, or what to do, and I thought maybe you –” Nico rambles, mainly to keep other things (declarations of all her feelings for Karolina) from tumbling out.
Precisely in the middle of Nico’s breakdown, Karolina has the nerve to chuckle weakly, “I . . . think that’s more emotions . . . than I’ve ever heard you express . . . in the entire time I’ve known you.”
Nico’s cheeks are burning and she wants to protest, but she’s so happy to hear Karolina’s voice that she tables that for another time and just asks, “do you want something to drink?”
Karolina nods slightly, and Nico stands up like her seat has been electrified. She pours a glass of water from a jug Gert had insisted be kept in the room so Nico didn’t dehydrate at Karolina’s bedside. Nico helps her sit up and guides the glass to her lips. The instinct to drink takes over and Karolina takes a few small sips before relaxing back into Nico and then Nico lowers her back to the bed. Karolina murmurs a thanks and takes a couple deep breaths that make Nico think she’s exhausted herself and will be going back to sleep until she squeezes Nico’s hand again.
“Are the others . . . okay? Have you been . . . taking care of yourself?” Karolina forms the words slowly but with purpose Nico’s surprised she has the ability to muster. Nico laughs for the first time in literally months, it comes out a little choked around her being on the verge of tears but it’s still a bright sound overall.
“Yeah, we’re all in one piece. Chase is getting back on his feet. And yeah I – Gert said you would be mad if you woke up and I hadn’t, you know, eaten in weeks,” Nico says through a watery smile. She doesn’t say they’re “safe.” That word has lost most of its concrete meaning to Nico and the others. The corners of Karolina’s mouth turn up gradually into a tiny smile. Nico feels like she’s dying. She wants to spill, to voice anything she’s felt since she thought she lost her, to sob uncontrollable into her neck but all that emotion sloshing around inside her prevents her from doing any of it, and she just holds onto Karolina’s hand for dear life.
“I’m . . . really tired.” Karolina’s grip on her hand softens. “I love . . . you.”
Nico has the presence of mind to kiss her hand and murmur I love you into it before she absolutely shatters. Karolina’s breaths deepen and she drifts back into sleep while Nico’s chest is silently heaving and the floodgates of weeks worth of tears are open.
The next time Karolina wakes up, it’s four days later and she’s much more awake than before. She is even able to keep eye contact with Nico for longer periods. And she wants . . . to talk? She tells Nico sparingly about missing her and all of them, about being glad to have woken up here with them (although she is confused why they are in her house which Nico can’t really bring herself to explain in great detail) before she lapses back into unconsciousness.
When she wakes up next, Nico brings herself to ask a question. She moves away from the gritty details of the now and tries to clear up the past a little which is, if possible, more confusing.
“Karolina . . . how long – how long have you known you liked me?” Her voice is vulnerable in a way she does not in any way condone but the words have been sitting in her mouth like wisdom teeth for weeks now, the newness of her relationship still swirling around in her mind. Karolina’s eyes are closed but her mouth reacts just fine and she smiles.
“Since always, since we were kids.” She says it like it is the most natural response in the world. Her voice gains layers Nico didn’t know it could hold when she says the next bit: “And I, I don’t think it was ever just ‘like.’”
Nico doesn’t want to seem dramatic by gasping for air, but somehow it suddenly feels like the room is very small and the space reserved for the air she currently needs is filled mostly by this thing between them and her head is threatening to spin like a sketchy carnival ride.
“Since we were . . . kids?” Nico repeats. Like it doesn’t seem real, like it happened in another universe. Like there’s no way that someone was in love with her from literally feet away for years without her ever knowing, much less that that person was Karolina Dean.
“You remember when you broke your arm in the 3rd grade?”
“ . . . yeah?”
“And everyone thought Alex was the one leaving flowers for you on your seat at lunch, in your cubby, on your backpack?”
“It – wasn’t him?”
“No.”
“It was you.”
A pause full of warmth falls between them.
“Everyone believed it was him, he liked you too even then. I heard my dad say once that we bring flowers to people to help them get better so I picked every one I could find. I was a little afraid if I told, the flowers wouldn’t work and you wouldn’t get better. Kinda like a wish, I guess.”
Nico presses her lips into Karolina’s hand again. Like the kiss will travel back in time and notice little Karolina, noticing little Nico. Nico has been so careful with Karolina, so afraid to touch her since she’s been awake that Karolina tugging on her hand elicits a little resistance. She tamps it down the moment it appears and moves closer to her bedside, leaning forward to place a kiss on her forehead and then, at the smile it produces, softly on her lips.
“I’m glad this is real. I wasn’t sure if it was for a long time.”