Work Text:
Stupid… Earth weather. Stupid cold, weird, stupid… augh!
In all the years of ‘adapting’ to the planet’s atmosphere, Zim still couldn’t get the hang of winters. No matter how hard he tried, he’d end up freezing his ass off and in a bitchier mood than necessary - it was just so fucking cold. ‘Just wear a jacket’, fuck you, Smelnor from the Soopermarket, he IS wearing a jacket. ‘Put on more layers of clothes’, no one FUCKING ASKED YOU, Jess-i-ca, you rank bitch. Do not even look at the might of Zim right now, you will regret it!
Stupid… fucking chores, and errands, and, and… Zim grumbled loudly to himself, bundled in about six layers of thick sweaters and scarves and two hats. He looked like a damn pillow, puffed out and comfortable for anyone to lay their weary head on, but he was still freezing! Absolutely freezing. This suuucked, and even Gir’s endless babbling about the new Angry Monkey X-Treme movie that is meant to come out next month did nothing to ease his frustration. How Gir had somehow seen the entire thing as well as had some of the unreleased merch was beyond Zim. Many things about Gir baffled him, but that was the norm at this point.
”An’ then theres this HOOOGE explosion, an’ it goes BWOW and PEW and -” Zim managed to tune out his little minion, eyes glued ahead at the icy sidewalk and the frostbitten ground. Another gust of freezing wind blew on the irken’s face, and after wincing and bracing for it to be over, the irken let out an aggravated yell, interrupting Gir from spouting even more spoilers. ”Aws, are yew mad about the wiiiind?”
Putting mittened hands on his face - twice mittened, once gloved - the alien muttered an incoherent slurry of curses and insults, all directed at the Earth and humans and whatever the hell was around him. Fuck that tree over there specifically, it earned many, many nasty words. He was bordering a tantrum, overstimulated by the constant, ever present cold. It was so cold… it was always so cold! Cold, cold, dumb freezing cooooold.
It was just some dumb stroke of luck to hear a familiar voice calling his name over the freezing wind that threatened to blow into his face again. Removing his hands, the irken scowled, looking around for the source of the noise, eyes falling upon Dib and his shitty little car. Great, stink man is here to save the day? Shove your hero complex, earth-bitch, Zim’s not in the mood. He could tell by the way Dib moved his lips he was being talked to, but dammit… ear muffs, several hats, and a wig on top of it made it even harder for the hard-of-hearing alien to process what the hell was going on.
Actually, even if he didn’t have things covering his hearing plates, Zim was so over-reactive right now he wouldn’t be able to process him anyways!
Something, something… something. Yeah, that sounds about right. Fixing the human with a confused, annoyed glare, it took him several moments before he finally budged from place. Oh, dear Irk, not moving had just made it so much colder and now Zim was certain his legs had been frozen in place. Ow, everything sucked. Closing the space between him and Dib’s car, ignoring Gir’s new onset of rambles with the prowess of an evil mastermind who had learned to tone him out, Zim poked his head aggressively in the window of the car.
”Whadda HELL do you want, stink-shit.”
Even though the two were on splendid terms now a day, Zim still resorted to insulting the human whenever he could - though, usually it wasn’t this heartfelt. Usually it was as a joke, as a jest, as an attempt to keep their rivalry alive and as a rivalry, because change was awful! But, today it was extremely cold, and rude, and Dib looked a little taken aback and hurt. But only a little.
With a groan, the human fought with his own humanity, forcing aside his annoyance with the rude behavior and deciding ‘hey! Zim looks pathetic right now!’. Gesturing to the seat beside him, Dib fixed the irken with his own glare, a brow raised. ”I was going to offer you a ride since it looks like you’re freezing your weird alien buns off, but if you’re going to call me names I might reconsider.”
”ZIM’S BUNS ARE NOT WEIRD! They are mighty and wonderful!” Weird flex but okay! In complete honesty, Dib knew full well the alien had not the slightest idea what ‘buns’ meant in this scenario. But that was neither here nor there. ”I, hrgh, Zim is ’soorryyy’ to call you stink-shit, even though you are exactly that. Let me in your car.”
This shitty, shitty, oh so shitty apology would not fly for Dib. And Zim knew that. So while Dib said nothing, just staring with a deadpan expression at the alien, Zim did what he had to do to survive: be a piece of shit and climb in through the window. This was met with some protests, a little bit of shoving, but Dib lost this fight with a sigh and there Zim was, in the car with his arms awkwardly raised up, shouting about his victory.
Leaning out the window enough to lift Gir up, soon enough everyone was settled inside. Windows: up. Gir: in lap. Seatbelt: on. Sticking out his tongue at his defeated foe, Zim clung closer to his minion, who’s little furry disguise did nothing to help with the cold. ”Thank you for your submission, stink-shit, return me home at once and I will allow you to watch in awe as my buns show off their might.”
Oh, so Zim did know what buns meant. Good to know.
”No one wants to see your ass, Zim. Or your lack of.” With a grumble, Dib began the drive home - but not to Zim’s. Hell no, that would just be admitting his defeat. No, they were going to the Membrane household, and Zim was going to have to deal with it. And, luckily enough, Zim didn’t have the slightest idea they were going that way until they were pulling into the driveway. How he missed it, no one knew. Probably because his bad mood was making it hard to notice anything. Instead, he held Gir in his lap and spent the car ride listening to the minion’s newest hot take about the movie. Which had earned a small back-and-forth between the human and he -
”Wait, you saw the new Angry Monkey movie? That’s not even out.”
“I gots me some TICKETS and sawed it yesterday.”
“Where is it even playing?”
“IN MUH HEART, silly.”
“Wha -”
“In. Muh. Heart. Jees, learn to listeeen.”
Dib was dumbfounded as always, but let it be. The trio entered the driveway, the car rolling to a stop and popping unlocked. This finally broke it to the irken that he had been kidnapped! Splendid. Snapping his head towards Dib, Zim rose his voice in the only manner he could - obnoxiously. ”This is NOT my base. Why are we here, Zim told you where to go, are you stupid -”
Holding up a finger, Dib silenced the rowdy alien, unbuckling his seatbelt, and exiting the car. Grabbing a few bags from his back seat, Dib said nothing more of the situation. Confused, and insulted, Zim followed suit, holding Gir in his arms and shuddering at the blast of chilled air. He followed the human inside, expecting some sort of response to his whining, but getting none. ”Are you going to tell the mighty Zim why you have kidnapped me?”
”Nope.”
Augh! The audacity?! Staring wide-eyed at the human, Zim was in shock over how blatantly rude that was! Dib smirked, clearly unphased, and shucked off his coat - revealing his trench coat - and heading upstairs. Annoyed and already in a bad mood, the alien stormed up after him, the SIR unit in his arms watching in delight. The gays were fiiiightiiiing.
”Why are we not at MY base? Your home smells of stink and FILTH and -” And there was now a blanket thrown over Zim’s head. Sputtering wildly, the irken simmered, wiggling the blanket off and shooting Dib a wild glare.
There he sat, sitting cross-legged on his bed with a shit-eating grin and a double obscene gesture. Ugh, show off. Dib with his five fingers like a stupid fuck. ”You’ll have to deal with the ‘stink’, Zim. I wanted to hang out and give you something.”
Putting Gir down, Zim stuck his tongue out and returned the gesture, though this time it was just a weird upwards point. The one instance he can admit that humans are superior - the ability to flip people off. The mention of a gift did pique his interest, though. Shooing Gir off to go wreak havoc on Dib’s home - yes, my minion, eat all of the Dib’s food - Zim grumbled and closed the distance between the two. Holding his hand out, the irken demanded that Dib gave him the gift.
Nope!
Instead of giving him anything, Dib grabbed his hand, yanking him forward, and, with a yelp, Zim fell. Straight into his lap. And like that, the human’s arms wrapped around him and he was trapped. ”Say you’re sorry first.”
Loudly, obnoxiously, and with copious amounts of pathetic wiggling, the irken refused to apologize, instead whining and spending a couple of moments kicking around. Buuuut, he relented, knowing damn well Dib wasn’t going to let up, and also that he’d been a bit of an ass. Grumbling, Zim gave an apology too mumbled to hear properly, urging Dib to grin widely and squeeze tighter. ”What was that? Couldn’t hear ya.”
”UGH, I fucking SAID… Zim is… sorry.” Going limp in Dib’s arms, he looked angrily to the side. Okay, okay, he did feel guilty. He had been too harsh, the human didn’t deserve that, especially when he was being nice enough to drive him to warmth. Zim’d still be out there right now if not for him. ”I’m… hrk, sorry for calling you names and being… kind of an asshole.”
Humming to himself, Dib stalled for a moment before giving a gentle smile. ”Yeah, okay, I forgive you.” Before planting a big ole’ smooch to the side of Zim’s head. Zim was never going to get over that, this weird custom humans had with affection. He didn’t mind it - well, he didn’t mind it as much as he pretended to. It was weird, but it was a cultural thing, and… honestly, okay, maybe Zim enjoyed it. Sticking his tongue out with a faux gagging noise, Zim settled in his rival’s arms.
”It’s cold outside.”
”It is.”
”You’re warm.”
”I am.”
Pursing his lips, the alien huffed and finally wiggled free from Dib, earning a confused look. Dib thought being warm was a good thing? Slowly, Zim wiggled out of his layers of clothes, leaving only his decided outfit-of-the-day. A long sleeve undershirt with a rainbow stripe pattern and a white blouse on top, along with the jeans he had been wearing the whole time. Once he was no longer a marshmellow of clothing, the irken climbed back in Dib’s lap and pushed his head up under his chin, grumbling gently.
”You need to stop infecting me with your weird human emotions.” Zim snuggled up to him, wrapping his arms around the human and pushing him backwards onto the bed. ”It’s gross and weird and I don’t like them.”
Snorting, the human wrapped his arms around his companion right back, rubbing his thumb around the base of Zim’s pak. ”You’re just grumpy because the mighty Zim fell for some weird human.”
”Irkens don’t fall. They… rise.” Dib shimmied a blanket over the two, letting Zim have his attempted ego boost. ”You aren’t weird, anyways.”
”I’m pretty weird.” Cozying up to the pillow, the human planted another kiss to Zim’s temple. ”It’s okay, though. I know my big, strong irken menace will keep me safe. You’re wonderful, y’know that?” Dib was absolutely trying to stroke the alien’s ego, hoping it’d help keep his frustration at bay. And it worked, Zim grumbling gently and burying his face into his rival’s neck.
After a moment or two, his head lifted, fixing Dib with a faux pout. ”You still don’t like my majestic buns, though.” This earned him a chuckle and a swat.
”For fuck’s sake, Zim, you don’t have an ass! It is flat as a door back there.”
”This door is always open for you, Dib-shit~”
With a hysterical laugh, Dib fixed him with a flushed gaze, in complete disbelief. ”Oh my god, you don’t even know what that means!”