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He can feel those hands around his throat, every second getting tighter and tighter.
He can’t breathe.
“Daddy, no! Please daddy I’m sorry!”
He’s sobbing and screaming as he tries desperately to fight the man off of him.
It hurts so much. He’s so scared.
He doesn’t want to die in here.
Higgs snaps awake, body trembling. He takes a long, deep, albeit shaky breath, his nerves slowly soothed by the feeling of air passing through his lungs.
‘It wasn’t real. It was just a dream.’ He reassures himself, rolling onto his back and looking up at the ceiling, vision blurred by tears.
‘He’s gone. You’re safe.’
But he didn’t feel safe.
The room, it felt so small.
Was it always this small?
He looks over to see Sam asleep at his side. Oh how he’d love to just curl up in those strong arms and drift back to sleep.
But he couldn’t sleep, not after that, and waking up Sam didn’t seem like a good idea. He knew he was tired.
They’d been traveling to lake knot all the way from mountain knot for a delivery. And Sams back had been killing him since they’d finally gotten there, he needed rest.
Higgs continues tossing and turning.
Every second that went by left him feeling more and more trapped, as if the room was shrinking.
Higgs couldn’t take it.
As quietly as he could, he got up from the bed and left the room.
Sam woke up alone.
He immediately sits up when his eyes open to the empty spot next to him.
‘Shit no no he didn’t leave.’
He looks frantically around the private room, calling out for his companion.
“Higgs?”
Lou is still asleep, the toddler barely stirring in her own cot that was next to theirs.
Sam gets off the cot and quickly moves to get dressed quickly and as quick as he could he bundles up his little girl and carries her out to the elevator. She only hums and opens an eye to look at her dad before resuming her sleep.
Why would Higgs leave? Did he get a call?
No, they would never send him anywhere without him.
But then why? Hadn’t they been through enough together? Hadn’t they made progress?
Sams trying to keep his cool. Trying to reassure himself that Higgs didn’t take off and leave him behind.
The elevator couldn’t possibly move fast enough for him, and when it finally does reach the top, Sams running out of the distribution center, Louise on in his arms, looking around in a panic.
Then he sees him.
Higgs was laying on the ground not too far from the building, propped up against a rock.
At first Sams panicking mind came to the conclusion he was dead, but he knew that wasn’t possible and realized Higgs was asleep.
‘Why...why was he sleeping out here?’
That question didn’t matter tho as he quickly ran to Higgs.
At the same time, Higgs had begun to awaken, and he was immediately startled upon seeing Sam running towards him.
He didn’t look happy, and that’s enough to get Higgs scared.
‘Shit he’s mad!’
‘You’re so stupid you know you’re not supposed to ever leave.’
‘No please don’t be mad. Please don’t be-‘
Suddenly he’s being embraced. Sams free arm is wrapped tightly around him, his daughter on his hip as he held Higgs on his other side.
Wait...he wasn’t mad?
No, in fact Sam was not mad. He pulled back enough in the embrace to look at Higgs, and if anything, he looked relieved.
“I woke up and you were gone, Higgs. You scared the shit out of me.” His voice is uneven, like he’s trying not to cry, “I thought you left, man.”
He was scared? He wasn’t mad?
Sam could see he had obviously startled Higgs with hysterics, and he sighs, loosening his grip on the other man, looking at him much softer now.
“I’m just glad that you’re still here, and that you’re okay.”
Higgs feels something tight in his chest as he feels Sams warm hands cup his face.
“I...I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here.”
He loved him. He would be devastated if he ever lost him.
That tightness in Higgs’ chest moves up into his throat. And it feels as if it were threatening to explode out from him.
“I’m sorry Sam I just- I couldn’t,” then it did, and it started with the tears that sprang from his eyes and the small noise he choked on as he spoke.
“I just felt so trapped I had to get out.”
Oh. That’s right.
Sam had never thought about it before. And he feels stupid for not considering this the whole time they’ve been together.
“Sam I’m sorry.” Higgs whimpers, face presses against his shoulder.
It was so long ago reading those journals, and now seeing Higgs like this in his arms, it reminded Sam the way he felt back then when reading them.
He pulls as much of the man as he can into his embrace, softly shushing him and rocking him back and forth, resting his head against his.
At this point little Louise was awaken by all the fuss, smushed against Higgs in Sam’s arms, she looks at Higgs with sleepy confusion, not sure why he was sad, but she understood all the same. She rests her head on Sams shoulder and reaches on of her little baby arms out to pat him on the head.
“No you don’t need to apologize. I should have realized it might have bothered you.” Sam presses a kiss against the side of his head, “you’re safe now, you never have to feel trapped like that again, I promise. I will never do that to you.”
Sam never wants to see Higgs like this again. He hates to think that Higgs was scared last night, and he wasn’t awake to help him. And even worse, it hurt him to think that he might have been suffering in silence this whole time. How had he not done this before?
It also made Sam angry to think of why Higgs felt like this to begin with, that he was once just a scared child, with no one to save him aside from himself.
That bastard was lucky Higgs had already killed him, because if he were still alive, Sam was pretty sure he’d go kill him himself.
They stayed together like this as minutes pass, the sun rising over them higher and higher. Higgs seemed to relax more and more as the time passed, eventually settling quietly against Sam.
Sam then realizes that Lou must have fallen back to sleep, as suddenly she’s stirring more, waking up a second time and this time a bit more fussy, wiggling and babbling in protest to not being back in her bed by now.
“You okay to move, Higgs? I think Lou’s getting cold out here.”
Higgs wipes at his eyes as he nods, fixing himself before setting his bloodshot eyes on his boyfriend, and the fussy baby he was holding, looking a bit guilty.
“Sorry...I didn’t mean to make you run out here with the kid...she okay?” He asks tiredly.
Louise was smiling up at Sam, reaching up to touch his face, and Sam smiles back at her fondly.
“Yeah I think she’s alright.”
He then stands up with her, setting her back on his left side as he reaches down to offer Higgs a hand.
“How about we go get some breakfast? I think you could use some coffee.”
Higgs can’t hide the smile that forms on his face as he takes Sams hand, and as he stands up he leans in to rest his forehead against his lover’s.
There’s something he really wants to say, yet he’s not ready quite yet to say it. Instead he settles on something more simple.
“Thanks, Sam.”
Sam of course, still understands the sentiment behind it, and he feels the same.
Sam smiles back, and they lock eyes, saying a lot more between them without any need for words.
“Of course. Anytime.”