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It all starts with Duke on the receiving end of a talk involving family, pizza, and the all-encompassing powers of love.
Truth be told, Duke has no idea what he’s done to merit this conversation. It’s true, he’s begun to think of the Waynes—not that they exactly called themselves that—as family. He’s still learning how they deal with each other, how they interact, how to differentiate between teasing and fighting, learning boundaries and limits. Learning them, and where he belongs.
They’re all growing on him. He’s starting to see past Damian’s prickliness to the kid beneath and why his brothers love him, all former murder attempts withstanding. Jason is gruff and noisy but Duke’s wariness is slowly fading away. Cass is a sweetheart but he’s wary of the evil-mastermind-stuff the boys warn him about. Tim, closest to him in age, is smart, actually a nerd, and fun to hang out with. And Dick, in spite of his love for embarrassing them all, is actually a cool big brother.
But now he’s standing here with Dick practically scolding him, and the whole thing is confusing and sweet but also kinda terrifying.
He’s standing there, fidgeting awkwardly and glancing around the room every minute, and it’s as his gaze flickers over Dick’s shoulder that he sees it. Duke feels a light of hope at the sight of Bruce standing in the doorway, eyebrow raised.
Duke opens his eyes wide, trying to convey help me without attracting Dick’s attention.
That’s when Tim appears at Bruce’s shoulder. Cranes his neck to look at Duke, tilts his head to look at Dick.
The look in his eyes is...calculating, and Duke isn’t sure whether to be hopeful or afraid.
Tim grabs Bruce’s arm, and Duke hears him murmur, “He’s fine, it’s practically tradition now.”
All his hopes crash into splinters and ashes as Bruce, looking more bemused than ever, let’s Tim lead him away.
“I will help you enact your revenge.”
Duke blinks. “What?”
Damian steps forward. His eyes are practically shining, and Duke is instantly wary. He’s pretty confident in his ability to hold his own, at least for a while, when it comes down to it, even if he’s literally being trained by the Robins occasionally, they're not actually going to try to truly hurt him after all—he wouldn’t be out on the streets, otherwise—but that doesn’t mean he wants any kind of confrontation. He takes a step back.
“On Drake. You had a lifeline, and he stole it away. Together, we can truly enact unholy revenge.”
Duke takes another step back. “Um. What exactly are we talking about, here?”
Damian glances around, then leans forward, almost bumping noses with Duke. Duke leans back.
“The Pizza Talk,” Damian whisper-hisses.
Duke blinks. “Ah. That.”
Damian steps forward again, and Duke comes to realize he has literally been backed into a corner. He can feel the walls against his shoulders, and Damian is practically bouncing on his toes like a maniacal evil pre-teen bobblehead. “Well?”
Duke thinks of Tim. And Damian. He thinks of drugged energy drinks and younger brothers hunched vomiting over the toilet seat. He thinks of viruses on the Batcomputer, blackmail folders e-mailed to every member of the family, and lizards in leather jackets. He thinks of all the ways Tim’s (certain) revenge for Duke’s revenge could go, and shudders.
“Thanks,” he says, pushing himself away from the wall, “I appreciate the offer, really, but I don’t think I’ll be trying to get revenge.”
Damian steps back a little to let Duke pass him, watching him through narrowed eyes the whole time. “Tt. Well, do inform me if you change your mind at any time, Thomas.”
Duke shakes his head, but says, “Sure thing, Damian.”
He thinks that’s the end of it until the next day. He wakes up that morning and heads down for breakfast, to find Jason Todd sitting at the breakfast table with a cup of coffee.
He’s long since stopped being surprised every time one of them popped up in the Manor. (He’s proud of himself, too.).
“’Morning,” Duke yawns, stretching as he walks over towards the coffee machine.
“’Morning,” Jason says, taking a gulp of coffee.
“Thought you were still in space.”
“Eh. Got off early.” Jason sets the mug down, smirking. “What, did ya miss me?”
And here one of the others would make some disparaging comment on how wonderful it had been not to have Jason around, but Duke is still trying to figure out lines. So he goes for a safer, “Eh, I think Damian did. He’s been brattier than usual. I think. I can’t really tell most days.”
Jason snorts, and Duke grins. “So, what’d I miss?”
Duke thinks, shrugs. “There was a drugs case, and Dick got in a fistfight at a gala?”
Jason chokes on his coffee, and Duke startles. There’s coffee dripping down Jason’s chin now as he leans back, laughing so hard Duke wonders if he can breathe. A little awkwardly, he tears a paper towel off the roll and offers it to the older boy.
Jason takes it, his laughter slowing down to chuckles as he wipes his face and then swipes at the coffee spilled on the table. “Now that’s a story I need to hear. With accompanying video. But speaking of Dick,” and now he flashes one of those devious grins that make Duke nervous when they come from any of the Batkids, “I heard you got the Pizza Talk?”
“Oh, that? Yeah,” Duke chuckles awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, I was kinda hoping to get out of it when Bruce showed up, but Tim told him it was normal and dragged him off.”
Jason snorts into his coffee again. “That stinks, man.”
“Yeah,” Duke laughs. “Damian even offered to help me get revenge.”
Jason...freezes. He meets Duke’s eyes and slowly lowers his mug.
“Please tell me you said yes.”
Duke blinks. Jason, simply put, sounds horrified and very pleading.
“Um.”
Jason groans theatrically and folds his arms on the table, burying his head in them.
“Something wrong?”
“You should have said yes,” Jason’s muffled voice is mournful. “Damian would have had his fun, Tim would have taken his just desserts. Now, though...” another painful sigh.
“What?”
“Gotta call Dickie. Brothers gotta stick together ‘n all that...”
“Jason. What?”
Jason’s head snaps up. “Right. Dickie lives with Replacement, you live with the Demon Brat.” He takes a deep breath, and looks Duke in the eye, his own face solemn. “Keep your head down, and your eyes open.”
It starts bad, and gets worse.
The next morning, Duke wakes up to a high-pitched Mommy!
He practically sprints to Damian’s room and crashes into Bruce at the doorway.
“Damian!” Bruce yells, throwing the door open.
“What happened?” Duke asks, peering around Bruce.
Bruce glances around, and appears to find no actual threat. “Nightmare?” he asks, voice carefully neutral.
Damian, standing in the middle of the room, looks up at them. “That wasn’t me,” he says, tilting his chin up.
Bruce gets this...look on his face, that Duke doesn’t know how to read. “Damian, if—”
“That wasn’t me!” Damian shouts, cheeks red. Evidently he could read the look, or so Duke assumes.
“Okay, Damian,” says Bruce, but it sounds placating even to Duke.
“That wasn’t me!” Damian screeches, then stops, breathes, and huffs, looking purposeful. “Drake will pay for this.”
Seeing the realization, and then weary horror, spread over Bruce’s face is one of the most terrifying things Duke has ever seen.
Tuesday night is one of the rare instances Duke patrols at night. He bumps into...someone, on the rooftops. He swings around, ready to bust their face in--
“Hey! Hey,” Red Robin raises his hands. “Just me.”
Duke stares. “What are you wearing?”
The corners of Red Robin’s lips turn down. “It’s a cowl.”
“Why are you wearing a cowl?”
The slits in the cowl narrow, and Duke can just imagine the dark glare. “I have my reasons.” Tim’s voice promises fire and brimstone and unholy revenge, and Duke gulps, just knowing this has to do with Damian’s promised revenge, somehow.
“Okay,” he says. Remembers Jason’s solemn face, Bruce’s horrified one. “I’m just gonna.” He thumbs over his shoulder. “Yeah. Nice meeting you.” He shoots a line and jumps off the building, trying to get out of there as fast as he can.
Tim’s revenge is...
Well. Duke feels embarrassed on Damian’s behalf. It somehow feels rather a juvenile trick for Tim, but. Well.
Awkward. Embarrassed, yes. It was effective for sure.
To put it politely, halfway through breakfast Wednesday morning, Damian develops a...gas problem.
(A smelly one.)
Damian holes up in his bedroom and refuses to leave.
Duke decides to stay out of it.
He comes home from school to Bruce coming out the door. He’s tying his tie as he goes and is half running down the stairs.
“Yo, everything good, Bruce?” Duke calls after him.
Bruce gives him a half-hearted glare (What does it look like?) before sliding into his car and slamming the door shut.
Duke shrugs and goes to find Alfred.
Dick Grayson has started a group chat with Jason Todd and Duke Thomas
Dick: So Damian did something to Tim’s car
It smells like dried fish
Tim smells like dried fish
The whole damn apartment smells like dried fish and it’s not going away
Duke: Sucks man
Least the smell round here was confined to Damian’s room
Jason: What now?
Dick: Please no
Duke: Don’t tell him I told you
I think Tim drugged him
Jason: LOL
Dick: Oh my god
Jason: btw sup with Tim last night
Dick: Permanent marker
Jason: Ha
Pics?
Dick: Rn?
Are you kidding me hell no
Jason: Soooo not rn
Dick: Jayyyyy
stop pls
That night, Duke debates on whether or not to stay up to keep an eye—an ear?—on the comms.
Curiosity wins out.
(And curiosity killed the cat. With that morbid thought, he sits down at the Batcomputer and settles in.)
It was sorta worth it.
Every time Robin jumped down from a building to start fighting a thug, a radio nearby began to blare Imagine Dragon’s Monster. Duke does not know how Tim had managed to set that up and keep it running.
In other news, Red Robin ended up in Gotham harbor, even if Duke was a little fuzzy on the how. Nightwing was tasked with taking him home, Red Hood and Spoiler with finishing up patrol, and now Duke is being treated to a front-seat view of Batman yelling at Robin along the lines of, it doesn’t MATTER that he took the Riddler down with him, you put Red Robin in danger and that’s NOT okay.
Duke manages to sneak out before they’re done and is brushing his teeth when Damian screams.
He briefly considers staying where he is as he spits out toothpaste, remembering Tuesday, but in the end caution wins out and he heads over to Damian’s room.
The younger boy is standing in the doorway, fists clenched, breathing deeply.
“Damian?” Bruce calls. Duke can hear him headed up the stairs.
“It’s nothing, Father,” Damian calls, fists clenching and unclenching.
“You sure?” Duke asks (even as his mind blares at him to shut up shut up shut up! ) He comes to peer over the smaller boy’s shoulder. “Because--” the words die in his throat. The covers of Damian’s bed are thrown back, uncovering the top half of a life-size mummy lying on the bed. “Ah. Okay. Um.”
Dick: ughhh
there’s bay leaves in all the coffee tins
Jason: Ha
Duke: Huh
Dick: He does realize we live together right
I swear I so did not need this this morning
No coffee or be late to work
Duke: No coffee machine at work?
Dick: That stuff tastes like shit
Jason: Shit coffee is coffee
Dick: Hell
I’m giving them ONE pass I swear
Only one
Jason: What?
Shit no
Cmon Dickie I can’t even leave Gotham rn
Duke: I can’t leave Gotham period
Jason: Go to work Dick
I’ll bring you coffee
Duke: Bruce AND you?
Jason: Believe me kiddo
Three of em means more chance one of us falls into their shit
Dick: Thanks Jay
Duke gets home from school before Damian, so he’s there to see Alfred’s tight-lipped expression and Damian’s stormy one as they enter the Manor. Damian promptly stomps up the stairs.
Duke looks at Alfred and raises an eyebrow. “Do I want to know?”
Alfred sighs. “Apparently, Master Timothy found it amusing to remotely set Master Damian’s ringtone to a recording from an unfortunate...incident, several years ago.”
“Not the same tape as Tuesday again?”
“I’m afraid so. Master Damian thought the most appropriate way to handle the situation was to throw his phone out the window.”
Duke whistled.
Barbara Gordon to Bruce Wayne, Jason Todd, Alfred Pennyworth, Dick Grayson, Timothy Drake, Duke Thomas, Damian Wayne, Cass Wayne and Stephanie Brown
Barbara: Beware all parties, Dick Grayson has joined the War
Cass: ?
Dick: Why did you send this to me, Babs?
Duke: What happened?
Tim: For the record it was not my fault
Jason: TIM
Tim: It wasn’t me!
It was Damian
Damian: It was not my fault, Drake. If anyone’s it was yours.
Tim: Everything is my fault to you
Brat
Stephanie: Now now let’s all be civil
Tim: IT WAS YOUR STUPID PRANK
Damian: Do expect a replacement, Drake.
Tim : Just you wait damian
Barbara: Duke, just to let you know. You’re doomed.
Jason: We’re all doomed.
(Apparently, Tim got held up at a Wayne Enterprises meeting. As Dick, who was supposed to get home a little after Tim, didn’t know this, he figured it was safe to return to their apartment, only to be doused in vinegar upon entering the doorway.)
Thursday night. Some poor, misguided member of the family has made a stupid mistake.
Red Hood’s hood is glow-in-the-dark blue.
(Duke learns it’s a classic, by now. Oldie-but-goldie. What the hell.)
Barbara speculates that this was an attempt by one Robin to frame another Robin. Unfortunately the possible trail of clues left behind in an attempt to not look left-behind and lead Red Hood to the supposed perpetrator rather than the actual are either too subtle or too obvious.
The color is a Nightwing thing, so it could be a plant on Dick by Tim or Damian. Or it could be Dick being obvious to lead Jason away from himself. Or it could be Tim or Damian trying to make it look like Dick being obvious to lead Jason away from himself so Jason would realize and--
Duke stops following the train of thought long before the others are half finished.
Anyways. The important thing is. Red Hood, not knowing which of the other Robins was responsible, promptly declares war on all of them.
(It’s chaos that night. Duke notes that, minus the current prank war, the second half of the night is relatively quiet. He and Oracle agree that the crooks must have run for cover when they realized what was going on.)
It’s Friday, while he’s patrolling, that the inevitable happens and Duke gets caught in a prank.
He finds himself hanging upside-down from Robert Kane Memorial Bridge. Brucie Wane is in a critical meeting, Dick Grayson doesn't seem to have his phone on him, Damian Wayne is taking a math test, Stephanie also isn’t answering calls and Red Hood is in the middle of infiltrating a gang, so he has to wait a half hour for Tim to skip out from Gotham U, change into a Red Robin costume, and come cut him out.
Duke immediately starts plotting revenge.
(None of the pranks in the muddle that night, or even the following morning, jump out as belonging to the Signal, and none of them are claimed by Duke. The others watch warily, not trusting that he wouldn’t take revenge at all, but at the same time wondering if he simply plans on keeping them on their toes to keep them out of his way.)
Really, it’s just taking Duke time to put his plan in action. It takes hours to scour manor security tapes for the perfect pictures, then find the perfect opportunities to sneak out of the Manor and sneak his prizes back in without attracting attention. He has everything by Saturday afternoon. Then he lays in wait for Sunday evening; family dinner.
Making sure he has adequate time to set up is an issue; currently the Manor is, to some extent, a safe point. No one wants to accidentally invoke Alfred’s wrath; God knows some of them have already come close. So Duke spends Saturday setting off a few generic, carefully aimed pranks on Damian, aiming to negate the Manor’s ‘safe zone’ status.
By the time Sunday rolls around, Stephanie has been pulled into the war, and so has Cass. (Cass is in Hong Kong. Duke does not know how Cass got tangled into the war, nor how she is participating.)
The good news is, Duke’s ploy has worked, and his siblings appear to be waiting for the last possible moment to show up at the Manor. Alfred is busy in the kitchen, Bruce is holed up in the Cave, and Damian is out with his friend Colin, so Duke has the time and space to lay out his revenge.
When Duke’s siblings arrive at the manor, Alfred leaves the kitchen and Bruce leaves the cave, they all notice immediately.
(As they should. They’re detectives, after all.)
Every one of the many portraits lining the halls and adorning the sitting rooms (sans the one of Thomas and Martha Wayne—Duke is not stupid) has been carefully taped over by a full-size photograph, including, but not limited to:
Tim asleep on a couch in a far-off sitting room, curled around a stuffed elephant. (Duke thinks it might be Dick’s.)
Jason smoking in the kitchen while making coffee.
Damian in the garden with Titus, frozen in an odd pose that suggests he might have been dancing.
Steph trying to smother a flaming waffle maker with a towel.
Dick taking a picture of Tim and Damian sitting on a couch in front of a TV, leaning against each other, asleep.
There’s a lot of red faces and spluttering and accusations and attempted chill, and Duke watches in glee. There are no pictures of him, so it’s obvious, really; it’s inevitable when he finds himself the subject of five imitation bat-glares, and on any other day he might have been a bit freaked out but right now he can’t help the evil grin that spreads over his own face.
“Nice move, Duke,” Tim says as they head towards the clock in Bruce’s office together that night.
“Thanks?” Duke says, fighting his grin.
“Just so you know,” Tim goes on, grinning as he bumps their shoulders together. “You’re definitely on everyone’s immediate hitlist now.”
Duke wonders if it was worth it, when his comms starting playing ‘This is the Song that Never Ends’ on loop, the water he’s brought along tastes like a vomit jelly bean, a flock of bats chases him down five blocks, all the lights on his bike start flashing in crazy patterns (making him nearly fall off) when he starts it up, and he comes home and slips under the covers, exhausted, only to find his bed covered in rice krispies.
(It was totally worth it.)
The next night Batman emerges from an alley covered in purple paint.
“Cave,” he growls into the comms. “Now.”
“About time, Sir,” Alfred says, amused, over the comms. “I look forward to seeing you all, young masters. Miss Spoiler?”
“I’ve gotta head home?” Spoiler offers. The rest of them know they’ll be going—no need to try to go up against the combined forces of Batman and Alfred.
“Stay on the comms,” Batman orders.
There’s a pause. “Sir, yes sir!”
Red Robin snorts. “You just wanna hear the rest of us get chewed out.”
“Guilty as charged.”
“ This has gone on long enough,” Bruce growls. There’s purple paint splattered over the floor, and Duke, for one, is trying not to laugh. He would think it was one of Steph’s pranks Bruce had walked into, but he’s learned there’s a lot of framing and double-crossing that goes on so there’s no way to know for sure until someone claims the prank. “All of you. You included, Black Bat, I know Oracle has you on comms.”
“Hi,” Cass says cheerfully.
Bruce looks at Damian, then Duke. Duke tries to gulp quietly. “Robin, Signal. You two are benched until this nonsense comes to an end.”
He turns to the others, and Jason points a finger at him. “Don’t even try, old man.”
“Tim, I’ll be informing Ms. Fox of your inability to carry out any duties or meetings due to current circumstances.”
Tim snorts. “Are you trying to threaten me using Tam?”
Duke leans towards Jason. “Would that work?”
Jason shrugs and whispers back. “They’re friends, but this is Tim. Honestly? Probably not.”
“Nightwing. Red Hood.” he pauses.
Jason and Dick each raise an eyebrow. Duke coughs over a laugh.
“I’m disappointed.in both of you. Hood, I know you’re working a case. You’re jeopardizing it.” He stopped, swept a glance over all of them. “In fact, all of you are jeopardizing each other—”
“Okay!” Dick throws up his hands. “Okay. We get it, no need to get all dark and foreboding about it, Bruce.” He turned to the others. “Ceasefire?”
“Ceasefire,” Steph echoes. Cass hums in agreement as the boys all nod at each other.
“Ceasefire,” Dick repeats, turning towards Bruce. “And that’s the end of it.” He pauses. “Although. Steph?”
“Sorry ‘bout the paint, B,” Steph chirps, and Bruce’s face goes blank, only grunting in response as he sets his comm on the Batcomputer console and heads up the stairs.
There’s a beat. Two. Nightwing cracks a grin. “Steph, you are awesome.”
That does it. Duke finds himself on the floor he’s laughing so hard. The cave rings with mirth, and Duke is so sure Bruce and Alfred must be able to hear it from up in the Manor.
“Well,” Oracle’s voice echoes through the cave, once the laughter’s died down to chuckles and they’re all slumped or collapsed around the floor. “Looks like the war is over.”
Dick grins, and throws his head back as he stands up and heads for the showers. “We won...or we think we did...”
There’s a collective groan.
“Grayson, stop,” Damian demands, climbing to his feet and trailing after him.
“Ceasefire, remember?” Jason adds as he follows.
“When you went away...you were just a kid...”
“He’s terrible,” Duke says, a little in awe.
“Oh no, he can sing,” Tim says, walking over. “He’s doing this on purpose.”
“And if you lost it all...” The sounds of a scuffle begin, and Dick’s voice grows louder. “And you lost it...”
“It feels weirdly inappropriate,” Duke says after a moment, walking towards the showers. He can here Damian and Jason yelling and Dick laughing.
“Well, that’s us,” Tim grins, falling in step beside him.
“Well at least, the War is Over!”