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Officer Nick Wilde opened the window and stepped out on to the narrow ledge on the 40th floor of one of the many high-rises of Zootopia. Nick shivered as he felt the wind pull at his clothing as he carefully made his way out on the ledge.
"What are you doing out here?" Nick asked the fox standing on the narrow ledge of the building.
"Just looking for a reason to come inside." He responded before looking down in defeat. "But, I can't come up with one, and I'm tired of looking. I just miss her so much." The fox said with tears in his eyes.
Nick took a deep breath. "It can't be that bad, can it?" Nick said to the desperate fox. "Loss hurts. Is there really no reason to come back inside? Look out there, look at the city. You can't tell me there is nothing for you out there."
Sighing, the fox looked out over the city. "I used to love this city. Zootopia was a place where anyone could be anything." He said as he motioned to the city laid out before him. "I was born here. I grew up here, not too far from this spot actually. This city was my home." He shook his head as long-forgotten memories threatened to intrude on his thoughts. "It was never easy being a fox. Too many mammals just assumed the worse of me, but I didn't care. I was going to be different."
The fox shook his head. "But I wasn't different. I wasn't special. It was a hard lesson to learn, especially when I was so young, but I got used to it. I adapted," He said.
Turning back towards the window Nick had crawled out of, he continued. "I learned to play the game. I wasn't proud of what I was doing, but I was good at it. I made enough money to keep myself fed and clothes on my back. I wasn't really happy, but I was getting by."
The fox smiled. "Life of a fox." He said so quietly, Nick wasn't sure he heard.
"But then, something changed. Out of nowhere, I got a second chance. There was this mark. Another mammal to scam to make a few bucks. But there was something about her. She was optimistic, a little naive maybe, but she was special," He paused as he looked down and closed his eyes. A small smile crossed his muzzle as he allowed himself a second to get lost in the memory. "She was special. She saw something in me that even I couldn't see. I still don't know what it was, but whatever it was, it made her think I could be more than I was."
The fox laughed to himself. "I didn't believe her, of course. I even laughed in her face. But she didn't give up. I said some pretty horrible things to her. I tried hard to drive her away, but she didn't give up on me." He swallowed as emotion started to steal his voice.
"I told everyone I did it for myself. That I was tired of being a stereotype. But that wasn't the whole truth. I did it for her. I wanted to be the fox she saw when she looked at me. I wanted to be worthy of the smile she gave me. For the first time in my adult life, I tried. I worked my tail off, and I made it. I made something of myself."
Silence hung in the air for a minute as Nick listened to the story. Soon he continued. "I was happy with my new life. I had a career I could be proud of, and her by my side. I have no idea what I did right in my life to make me deserve it, but she loved me. She could have done so much better. Guys with more to offer her, but for some reason, she picked me."
Nick was struggling not to be affected as images of Judy, his partner, lover, and mate flooded his mind. He smiled as he remembered the early awkward silences and time spent trying to figure out how she felt. But most of all, he remembered the euphoria he felt when he learned she loved him too. But the fox's story wasn't done.
"Then, I got greedy." The fox said, pulling Nick from his memories. "I had already beaten the odds, but I wanted more. We had been married for about a year when the conversation of kits started. I couldn't give them to her. I wanted to, but it wasn't meant to be. We talked about adoption, but I knew how much she wanted to have her own litter. I was the one that suggested we get a donor."
Nick stared as he heard the pain and anguish already tainting the mammal's voice. "It wasn't easy for her to get pregnant. A lot of tests and doctor's appointments. But finally, right before we were ready to give up, we received the news we were hoping for. The doctor called and I watched as he face went from fear to pure joy. This time it worked. She was pregnant."
The fox smiled. "We were so happy when we found out." He said the tears beginning to flow. "We had a big baby shower, I built a nursery in our apartment. Her mom was so worried about her. She was calling her constantly to check up. It was stressful, but we were happy."
The fox paused as he gathered the strength to go on. "And then," He started "And then it all fell apart." The fox's voice broke as all of the joy fell out of it. "She was about halfway through the pregnancy. When she went to bed, everything was fine. But a few hours later, I woke up to her doubled over in pain. I had no idea what was wrong. All I knew was I had to get her to the hospital."
Nick swallowed the lump in his throat as he dreaded where the story must be headed. "We were almost to the hospital when she started bleeding. I was so scared, for her and for our unborn kits. When we arrived, the doctors took her away in a panic, leaving me standing there terrified and alone." His voice trailed off as he looked out past the horizon.
"It was about 2 hours later that I learned she had miscarried. We were going to have two little girls and one boy. But none of them made it. It was just too early, and they were too small." Crying, the fox clenched his fists. "I should have been stronger, I was supposed to take care of her. But losing our kits was too much for me. I ran away and cried. I couldn't handle it." He paused and looked up. "Out of everything I have ever done. I have never been more ashamed of myself."
"It was about an hour later that I finally made my way back to the hospital. I had finally found the strength to be there but it was too late. My world had already ended." The fox paused, emotion overwhelming him. "While I was gone, feeling bad for myself. My wife, the woman who saved me, the mammal I loved more than my own life, went into cardiac arrest." Tears fell down the fox's face. "They couldn't get her back."
The pain was evident on Nick's face as the story continued. "She had lost too much blood. Coupled with the stress of losing the kits…" He trailed off the emotions becoming too much for him.
"I spent hours sitting alone in that room, on what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. The day We were going to have our kits. We would be there as a family. Instead I sat there, alone with what was supposed to be my family. I couldn't figure out why. Why take them? Why leave me here? Why couldn't it have been me instead?"
Nick sat there as the fox's heart break again. The pain as fresh as the day it happened. "That's horrible, but it wasn't your fault…"
"Don't say that. It wasn't my fault the kits died. It might not even be my fault she died. But it's my fault she died alone. I abandoned her! I did that! In what was probably the worst moment of her life, I left her alone to die because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself!" The fox practically screamed.
His voice quieted down as he was overwhelmed with anger and tears that now flowed freely. "That was five years ago. I have spent the last five years looking for that reason to go on. I can't find one!"
The fox stepped closer to the edge as he looked to out upon the city again. "I tried. I tried to do it for them. I tried to do it for the city. As much as I didn't deserve it, I even tried to do it for me. I couldn't."
"But.." Nick started only to be cut off by the fox.
"No, no buts. If you have a reason tell me. Tell me, Officer Nick Wilde. The first fox on the ZPD. Why should I keep going? Who benefits from me still being here? Why am I here instead of them? Why even tempt me with happiness if it was only going to be taken away? Why shouldn't I jump? Why shouldn't I just end this cruel joke?"
Nick was speechless as tears ran down his face. More than once, he looked up and opened his mouth, but he never had anything to say. In his head, he heard all of the excuses. Things get better, there are mammals that care about you. It gets better. But he knew none of them would help. He had heard them all before. None of them helped.
Suddenly a voice called out, breaking Nick from the thoughts in his head.
"Nick, what are you doing out here?" Officer Wolford asked the fox standing on the narrow ledge of the building.
"Just looking for a reason to come inside," Nick responded before looking down in defeat. "But, I can't come up with one, and I'm tired of looking. I just miss her so much." The fox said with tears in his eyes.
"I miss Judy," He said as he cried.