Work Text:
These thoughts will kill me and everything that I hold true
And as I grow, I let my fear replace my youth
I won't turn back
I won't cross that hidden danger line
It's a loud and dark world
But I think I found the light
I need you to tell me everything will be alright
To chase away the voices in the night
When they call my name
Have I gone insane?
---
Sometimes it's hard, even for Bakugou Katsuki.
So much had happened in the past year, how could anyone expect him to be alright?
First he had been attacked… no, almost raped by a villain (Katsuki refused with all his might to think about it in such terms, there was no way he of all people had been raped... but it sure felt like it).
Then he was saved, and by who? Not an hero, not a cop, fucking Deku had to be the one to save him. By now Katsuki didn’t mind it too much, had changed his opinion on Izuku, had noticed that he wasn’t such a good for nothing after all. Hell, he even started feeling something for the nerd.
But at the time it happened it only added to the hurt and disgust Katsuki felt.
But of course it didn’t end there. Not only had he been publicly ashamed at the sports festival, he had also been kidnapped and suggested to he'd join the League of Villains. Was he really that bad of a person?
And then. Then the thing that broke all the walls he had managed to put between his pain and himself: All Might’s fall.
No matter what everyone said, if he hadn’t been such a shitty person, the League wouldn’t have tried to kidnap him and All Might wouldn’t have had to fight All For One and would still be here, for a little longer at least.
And again, those feelings he felt when he was with Deku... was he gay? How come he never knew? But most of all, how could he face the public when, in the future, he’ll be the strongest hero and everyone will look up to him? He couldn't be out. He couldn't be himself in front of everyone else, or he'd be hated on and he'd never get to be the number 1 hero. He'd shatter his own dreams with two simple words.
No. He couldn't, and wouldn't, have anyone know. He just had to ignore these feelings and pretend he was... normal.
---
With lessons, homework and training being a thing, Katsuki was mostly focused on school during the day, but at night, either by themselves or because he’d been reading the news and they always talked about All Might, these thoughts came raging back in his mind.
One would spark the other, and like a waterfall, all the dark images he had tried so hard to forget fell on his shoulder all at once.
Sometimes it was bearable, other times, and tonight in particular, this ache he felt in his chest was threatening to rip a hole open through him.
He was lying on his bed, right before falling asleep, reading the news on his phone in the dark when he saw it.
Yet another article about All Might’s retirement.
And yet again his mind went to that dark place.
He was strong. He could take it.
This was nothing.
But also that wasn’t true.
He was just a kid trying to play adult. His own pride and stubbornness were the cause of all the pain he and, even worse, others, were feeling.
He felt his throat tighten.
He widened his eyes, then squeezed them tight, shaking his head.
He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t a crybaby like Deku.
Deku.
How was he supposed to ignore how the nerd made him feel when he was sitting right behind him every day?
Good, just another reason to hate himself.
Not like he could change that though, right?
But it wasn’t his fault he was born this way.
Before he knew it, warm tears were streaming down his cheeks.
Katsuki wanted to scream, but he couldn’t. Not in the dorms at this time.
Sure, he was the only one who went to sleep so early, but he knew people were in their rooms, and he didn’t want anyone to hear him in this pathetic state.
So he did the only logical thing he could think about: he grabbed his pillow and pressed it hard against his face, muffling his screams and sobs.
He wasn’t a crybaby, but a little crying never hurt right? They say it actually helps sometimes right? This was okay. No one was seeing him anyway.
He let himself go for a bit, just following his feelings.
A little while later, just he was starting to calm down, catch his breath and drift off to sleep, a light knock on his door made him jump.
Oh no.
No. No one could see him like this.
Sure, the tears weren’t running down his face anymore, and the last ones that did were drying out, but he was sure his eyes were puffy and his face red. Anyone could tell what was going on, he was sure.
He could just pretend to be asleep.
If he didn’t answer whoever was on the other side of his door would think he was asleep and leave.
Or maybe not. Another knock on his door and Izuku’s voice calling for him in the most annoying tone came from outside.
“I know you aren’t asleep Kacchan.” Izuku said again, when Katsuki didn’t answer, in that same annoying manner. Katsuki felt as if Izuku was pitying him.
He couldn’t have that, but at the same time, of all people, the nerd was the last one Katsuki wanted to see him like this.
So he still didn’t answer.
From behind his door, a loud sigh.
“Please, open the door, I just want to talk.”
“No.” Katsuki answered before he even thought.
When he realized what he did he wanted to smack himself in the face.
Another loud sigh, before the door was opened wide, Izuku storming in the room before closing the door behind himself and walking to sit on the floor by Katsuki’s bed.
“Hey! What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Leave!” Katsuki yelled, sitting up on the bed, wide eyed and pushing on Izuku’s head.
The green-haired boy wasn’t facing him, but he sat there, unmoving, ignoring Katsuki’s complaints.
“I asked gently Kacchan.” Izuku started, “I didn’t want to get in your room without permission, but you had to go and be your usual stubborn self.” He shook his head. “I just want to talk. Really.”
“What about?” Katsuki just bit back at him, falling back on the bed, looking at the ceiling in the dark of his room.
“Ever since that day at ground beta, I felt like you were the only one I could talk to. Tonight in particular. I really needed to talk to someone. I felt kind of shitty you know? Happens to me too from time to time. So I came here. I can’t really talk to anyone else about One For All and All Might. But also, you have always been one of the closest friends I have. So you were the first person to come up in my mind when I thought about talking to someone. And just as I was about to knock I heard something I never thought I’d get to hear.”
Katsuki felt his ears heat up at the words.
Knowing he was Deku’s first choice made his heart beat faster for just a moment, before thinking that, hey, he’d always been Deku’s first choice. If only he wasn’t so smitten for Round Cheeks and had Katsuki as his first choice for that too…
But that wasn’t what made him blush so hard he thought it could be seen in the dark. It was the idea that Deku might’ve heard him cry his eyes out for almost an hour.
His worries were confirmed when the nerd finally looked up at him and asked: “Are you okay Kacchan? It’s okay to cry, but I want you to be happy, and hearing that broke my heart.”
Katsuki scoffed, turning his back to Izuku and facing the wall. “I’m okay nerd. Don’t need your pity.”
He suddenly felt strong arms wrap around him and a warm chest pressed to his back.
“Hey! What the-” he started yelling, trying to turn around, but was quickly shut up by Deku, who only tightened his grip on him and shushed him.
“Do you want to talk about it Kacchan?”
“No.”
“Okay.” Izuku answered softly, which surprised Katsuki.
They stayed like that for a while, the room silent and dark, only filled by their soft breathing.
At one point, Izuku pressed his hand hard in the middle of Katsuki’s chest, sighing deeply and pressing his forehead between Katsuki’s shoulder blades.
“If I’m alone and can’t sleep, sometimes my mind starts to wander” Izuku started, voice just above a whisper, “I start feeling that maybe I’m trying too hard, that I’m too impulsive and everything I do, no matter how good my intentions are, only manage to bring more trouble on others. Sometimes I even think that maybe All Might really should’ve chosen someone else as his successor. But then I think that, well, he’s had a lot of time to pick someone else.”
Izuku chuckled lightly at that. His tone was sad, sure, but there was determination in there somewhere too.
“And so I think, ‘There has to be a reason he chose me.’”
Katsuki was breathing a little harder now, listening to Izuku’s words.
“You know,” Izuku said, burying his face even more between Katsuki’s shoulders. “Part of me wishes you’d say something. Actually, not anything, something like a praise, or comforting words, something like that. But part of me also knows you well enough to know you won’t do that, and that’s okay too.”
“Deku, you…” Katsuki started, but the words wouldn’t come out.
Just thinking about what he could say made his heart beat so fast and his face flush so red he couldn’t bring himself to continue.
What could he say? The truth he believed in was that Izuku was a natural born hero, that his smile brought happiness and comfort to anyone, making the world shine just a little bit brighter, that All Might couldn’t have chosen a better person to be his successor.
Izuku was a wonderful person. Katsuki had never seen a person more amazing- no, as amazing as Izuku. He was only realizing it recently, but deep down he knew that it was always like that.
Izuku’s voice made him come back from his mind rumbling. “Your heart is beating really fast, Kacchan. Is something wrong?”
Katsuki panicked. Izuku’s hand was still pressing down on his sternum, of course he’d notice.
And what should he say now? Not like he could speak what was on his mind.
“Hey, nerd.” He chose to say, trying to sound as much as his usual self as possible, “What do you like so much about Round Cheeks?”
“Oh.” Izuku just said.
Katsuki felt him shuffle uncomfortably behind his back. He didn’t want to make this uncomfortable and awkward.
“Nevermind, forget I asked.”
“N-no, it’s okay. I… I don’t know really? The feeling just came, actually. If I had to say something it would be that she’s really pretty. And nice. And strong. I guess.”
“You don’t sound so sure.” Katsuki commented, noticing Izuku’s tone.
“It’s just that… it’s different.”
Katsuki raised an eyebrow at that. “What? Different from what?”
“From what I usually feel.”
“Never knew you had a bunch of crushes before to know what you ‘usually feel’.” Katsuki teased. But only on the surface really. He was genuinely curious about what Izuku was talking about.
“I haven’t.” Izuku answered, voice barely above a whisper, so low Katsuki almost missed it. “But I don’t really wanna talk about this. ‘s embarrassing.” He continued, voice a little bit louder this time.
Katsuki’s mind was running fast, trying to understand what Izuku was saying.
“You’ll always be here for me, right?” Katsuki said before he could think. Again. Izuku somehow had this effect on him, like he didn’t have anything to hide, and like he couldn’t hide it if he tried.
“Of course Kacchan.”
“Let’s open our own hero agency when we graduate.”
“I’d love to Kacchan”
God, why did it feel so good to hear that stupid nickname from the nerd? He wanted to hear it more.
“But, are you sure you want to be with me for so much time?” Izuku asked after a moment of silence.
‘I want to be with you forever’ Katsuki thought, cursing his own mind for constantly going there.
“Oh.” Izuku said, surprised.
“What?” Katsuki asked, confused.
“Nothing, I just didn’t think you felt like that.”
Katsuki widened his eyes. Wait. He didn’t say that out loud, did he?
He took a deep breath. No turning back now.
“Are you into guys, Deku?”
Izuku let out a shaky breath.
“Why would you ask?” Izuku asked, a little scared undertone to his voice.
Katsuki didn’t answer. Didn’t say a word. Just waited for the nerd to answer his damn question.
But Izuku didn’t answer. Just waited a moment longer before standing up to leave, saying: “Well, I’m feeling better now. Hope you feel better too Kacchan. I should go back to my room and-”
The moment Katsuki felt him leaving his back he turned around and grabbed Izuku by his wrist before he could walk too far.
Izuku stopped talking, looking down at Katsuki’s hand around his wrist, before looking up at his face.
Katsuki just stared back for a beat before he blurted out: “I like you.”
Izuku’s eyes widened. He took a step forward, towards Katsuki, to make him understand that he didn’t want to leave anymore.
Katsuki let go of the other’s wrist, falling yet again on his back on the bed.
“It’s okay, you can be disgusted and leave, I get it. I don’t even really know why I said it.” Katsuki mumbled, throwing an arm over his face.
“How long?” Izuku asked.
Katsuki turned to look at him, an eye peeking from below his arm. “What?”
“How long have you been… liking… me?”
“Dunno.” Katsuki shrugged, “I’ve only noticed it lately, I don’t know when it started.”
Izuku kneeled down beside Katsuki’s bed, lifting the blond’s arm from his own face and looked him in the eyes.
“What I feel for Uraraka in different from what I always felt, not because I’ve had crushes on others before, but because I’ve always ever been in love with one person, and one person only. At first I thought that you started hating me back then because you found out about my feelings and found them gross and lame and I tried, god, I tried so hard to forget them and you. And when we started studying here and I met Uraraka and started liking her I was hoping I’d finally manage to let these feelings go. And I thought it was working! Cause you didn’t seem to hate me as much anymore and I thought you thought I didn’t love you anymore and that because of that I was a little less gross. I-”
“Shut up, Deku.” Katsuki said, slowly, placing a hand on the back of the other boy’s head, pulling him down to him and pressing their lips together.
The kiss wasn’t much, just a press of lips.
Izuku pulled back after a little, mouth agape and eyes wide.
Why was he so damn surprised if Katsuki had just confessed to him? Katsuki didn’t know.
“Look, I treated you like that ‘cause I’m an asshole, and apparently I was also really fucking dumb, ‘cause I never noticed you felt like that.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “Look, I’m sorry. I know a lame apology like this isn’t enough for what I did to you all those years, but I really regret it.”
“It’s okay, I love you Kacchan.” Izuku just managed to answer.
Katsuki chuckled at that.
“Kiss me again?” Izuku asked.
“Eager, aren’t we?” Katsuki teased, with a smirk.
“Well, I’ve been waiting for this moment for literal years, Kacchan.” Izuku scoffed.
Katsuki just chuckled again, and pulled the other back towards him.
This time, he was more daring.
The kiss was slow. Katsuki didn’t really know what he was doing, but he was feeling good, and that was enough. They had a lifetime to get to know what felt best for both of them.
After a bit of just moving their lips against each other he opened his mouth a little, slipping his tongue out, and heard a soft sigh escape Izuku’s lips when he opened them, letting Katsuki in.
They kissed, they explored, they get to know each other, feeding off an hunger they both had been feeling for a while.
When they broke the kiss, gasping for air, Izuku was crying softly.
“What’s wrong nerd?” Katsuki asked.
Izuku shook his head, “I’m just happy.”
They laid on the bed together after that, stealing little kisses from each other, until they both started drifting off to sleep.
“I should leave.” Izuku mumbled after a while against Katsuki’s lips.
Katsuki grunted in response, tightening his grip around the other boy’s waist. “Don’ wanna”
“Come on, Kacchan.” Izuku said, chuckling and pushing the other away.
“’m sleeping.”
“Yeah, I wanna do that too.” Izuku giggled, “But I can’t do that here.”
Katsuki grunted again, this time letting go.
Izuku stood up and leaned down, kissing Katsuki’s forehead.
“Goodnight, Kacchan”
The other pulled his blanket tighter against himself.
“Goodnight, nerd” he answered, smiling to himself and closing his eyes.