Chapter Text
TW: self-harming
Dahyun woke up after sleeping for about 4 hours. She turned around to check the time on her phone. It was only 4 am and they had to wake up around 6:30 am. It was in the middle of August and they had a 20 days break before starting the preparations for the Feel Special comeback. She didn't like the break days. There was a lot of free time and it didn't help her manage her emptiness.
When did it start? It was something she's been thinking the past nights when she woke up before the other girls. She knew she was depressed, she had learned to live with it from a young age. She'd hoped that becoming an idol would help. And it did. The countless hours of training from the start till now helped her become exhausted and left her no time to overthink and just sleep.
She stands up from her bed taking her phone walking on her tows and walks out of the room. She goes to the kitchen thinking if she's going to eat something but she just grabs a bottle of water. Maybe she'll eat later with the girls or not eat at all. She walks to the door that leads downstairs and opens it very carefully. There's something wrong with this door as it creaks whenever they open it, but Dahyun knows what to do. She had to find a way because when you spend your hours on the basement instead of sleeping you have to be careful so a very specific leader won't find out and lock the doors.
She goes down the stairs and enters the left door. There are two rooms downstairs. One is designed for beauty preparations but also has some couches and a fridge so the girls can have fun and relax without bothering the neighbors. The other room, the one Dahyun enters, is a soundproof room with studio equipment for the girls to create and compose music whenever they want, a piano, speakers, and of course there is a mirrored wall for dance practice. It's not as big as those on the company but it can accommodate 4-5 persons dancing together.
Dahyun is so grateful to Chaeyoung for asking for this room when they were discussing with the company about what they want the dorm to have. She has spent here so many hours. Whenever she can't sleep she comes to this room to play the piano or listen to some music. It helps her manage the void in her chest when she is in this room. The piano is opposite the door, in a corner next to a desk with a computer and other equipment.
She sits on the piano stool and opens the lid with her back facing the door. What should she play? She can't stop thinking 'When did it start?' She has to play something to make her brain stop asking. 'When did it start?' She decides to play a classical music piece, it always helped her calm down her thoughts. She plays her favorite Nocturne by Chopin.
She starts smoothly as the piece demands. She always loved playing the piano. Did it start before she started the piano lessons? She can't remember. The void in her chest starts aching slowly. When did it start? Was it when she told her parents that she wants to become an idol? No, it can't be. She was already in a bad place when she announced it to them. It was one of the reasons she wanted to join the industry. It surely didn't get better when her dad told her he doesn't agree with her decision but is free to decide on her own. Her dad was very distant after her decision and even untill today, with the success of the group, he still believed that it was the wrong choice. "It's not enough Dahyun. Money and fame won't make you happy."
She loved him so much and she wanted some acknowledgement from him but he didn't give it to her. The most important man of her life didn't support her. He stopped hugging and kissing her when they debuted, like it was a punishment. Everything was going well in their relationship until she decided to become an idol. There were countless moments where all she needed was a sweet talk, a hug or a kiss from him but she knew it was pointless calling, she couldn't have it. It didn't start when he disapproved her decision, but it definitely got worse.
The void in her chest is huge now. She tries to keep playing the piece with great difficulty to not break down. A sob leaves her lips and tears are on her eyes. She can't see, herr vision is blurry. She tries to play but her fingers feel numb and she can feel her sobs getting more intense. There is only one way to stop the pain in her chest.
She stops playing abruptly and grabs her t-shirt lifting it up to her chest. There are bruises all over the right side of her rib cage. She makes a fist with her right hand and instantly presses her knuckles on the bruises with all the force she can apply. It stings and it hurts a lot. But the pain is now physical and not emotional. She can't tell if the pain from her emptiness is there, and it might last some minutes, giving her time to gather her thoughts and calm her self. Her effort is successful, now crying from the physical pain.
She gives a last squeeze thinking it'll be enough, and as she puts down her t-shirt there is a piercing sound of breaking glass on the room. She turns around scared and trembling, tears still falling from her eyes.
"Dahyun...?"