Archive of Our Own

There are hundreds of reasons Jaemin can list why life is bland. First on the list is probably Calculus because literally, you don’t have to be bad at Math to hate it and Jaemin had to take summer classes in grade school because of Math when he could be enjoying his summer breaks biking around the neighborhood. 

Another one to the list is that he can’t get a Samoyed at home because said beautiful creatures shed a lot of hair and his father has allergic rhinitis. “We can ask him to move out.” Once Jaemin and his mother said in unison while they were having dinner and his father didn’t talk to them for a week. Or when Chenle invited everyone over to his villa in Shanghai but Jaemin couldn’t make it because his dad enrolled him on a Boys Brigade Summer Camp and he had to be there for a painful two weeks. It would’ve been a beautiful memory to travel out of country for the first time with his friends. It’s why the next school year after that Summer break, Jaemin just wants for the ground to swallow him whenever they would gather around and his friends would suddenly reminisce about their luxurious experience in Chenle’s home, if it wasn’t for Jeno telling him that “It’s okay, we’ll go there someday. Just the two of us.”

And that makes everything better, because that’s Jeno, and he’s the only color Jaemin sees.

Jaemin sees Jeno in many colors. Jeno is the color of yellow, eye-catching, and that’s how easily he came in Jaemin’s life, conveying his brightness with his smiles.

Jeno is the color of green, for he is beautiful like the nature, calm and relaxing and his voice is the only thing Jaemin wants to hear before he lulls himself to sleep.

Jeno is the color of blue, intriguing, and everything in the horizon is right inside his eyes.

Jeno is the color of white, the comfort and his inner peace even if the world seems upset.

Jeno is the color of red, his name written in the blood of Jaemin’s every veins, the passion, romance, infatuation, and the burning fondness inside Jaemin’s heart.

“Ah this is frustrating.” Jeno yelled on the screen of the laptop.

Jaemin wanted to laugh but he didn’t and a smile crossed his face instead, even if Jeno couldn’t see him. It’s almost painful when Jeno leans back in frustration another time, his left shoulder blade piercing on the upper right part of Jaemin’s chest. Somehow they always end up in this position whenever they sit beside each other, which is most of the time, with Jeno using Jaemin’s chest as his backrest instead of the chair. But he isn’t complaining, eyes trained on the silhouette of Jeno’s face being illuminated by the screen on the laptop while the other is too focused in his game.

“Just admit you’re bad at it.” Jaemin teased. Because he knows Jeno’s face will contort in annoyance and he’s cute when he does that, like a cat. Jaemin immediately regrets it when Jeno does just that and it sends electric in his veins.

“Nooo.” Jeno heaves a one last sigh before he flips off the laptop.

“You’re trying to break it?” Jaemin chuckles and adjusted in his seat because Jeno’s full weight is on him now and they’re pretty much the same size, with Jeno a little heavier. But it’s all good.

Jeno sighed out loud and he looks up at Jaemin in a very close proximity. But it wasn’t a big deal. It was normal. And maybe Jaemin stared at his lips a little when Jeno asks, “Where do you think Doyoung hyung have gone to?”

Jaemin just smiled.

They’re seated on the couch in Doyoung’s space. The top floor apartment nearby their older friends college and somewhere in this building, Taeyong is probably nagging with Yuta for laughing at him for whatever reasons. Somewhere out there, Jaehyung might be with Johnny working out. Doyoung tells them Ten, Winwin and Taeil might be in the university playing basketball but they couldn’t join them since they needed an ID pass to enter the campus gates. In some Fridays, they will visit Doyoung after class to play and sleepover. Jaemin noticed how Jeno had grown a very amiable attachment to Doyoung. Though the older looks after all of them, it’s not the same with Jeno. He’s overprotective. “He listens to me well, unlike Donghyuck. He’s the worst.” Doyoung says three years ago when he accompanied Jaemin, Jeno and Donghyuck to play at Han River.

So Jaemin wasn’t surprised when Doyoung comes back, holding cups of ice cream, he handed the Oreo ice cream pint to Jeno and a cone stick of coffee crumble ice cream to Jaemin. “This is not fair at all.” Jaemin laughs heartily.

It made Doyoung laugh too. “At least say thank you?”

“Thanks, hyung.” It was Jeno who said it before he turned to Jaemin. “We can always share, you know.”

Of course, Jaemin knows that. And while they’re at it, sharing the ice cream, he screamed a little when the tip of the spoon hits the front of his teeth. But Jeno just laughed it off and says it’s Jaemin’s fault for having a rabbit teeth.

Jaemin snorts, but he wasn’t angry, when Doyoung untangled Jeno’s leg perched up on Jaemin’s and sits in between them, and turned the TV on. Like he always does.

“Donghyuck kept saying on our group chat that you have a girlfriend.” Jeno says out of nowhere.

Yesterday, Donghyuck opens up about yesterday’s “The Tea” which is the screenshot of Doyoung tagged on a photo with a girl on Facebook.

“He really hates breathing, doesn’t he?” Doyoung grits his teeth, because Donghyuck is really good at getting into everyone’s nerves, even if he’s not around. “You guys are highschoolers now. Time flies.”

Jaemin knows Doyoung just wanted to drop their recent conversation by saying that. If he was Jaehyun, he would’ve teased him. But it’s Doyoung, who once jokingly warned him about his closeness to what he claims his son, Lee Jeno, and although they both laughed, Jaemin knows Doyoung has seen through him. It was almost scary, to be under Doyoung’s gaze, like he’s watching every movement Jaemin makes around Jeno. But it just ends there, Doyoung knowing it while Jaemin would never confirm it at all no matter what, a secret, and Jaemin knows he didn’t have to watch himself around Jeno just because. There are times when Jaemin likes bathing in his own ego and he will be more touchy with Jeno when he knows Doyoung is keeping an eye on him, placing a hand on Jeno’s thighs, wrapping an arm behind Jeno’s back to his waist, and maybe it riles Doyoung up whenever Jaemin would stare at Jeno’s lips.

“There’s something..... I do this with Jeno a lot. That... that... you know.” Jaemin suddenly says, and though he could’ve said it clearly, he watches Doyoung’s face instead.

“Do what?” Doyoung raised a brow, and wrapped a strong arm around Jaemin’s shoulders.

“That...you know...”

“Fried eggs with soybean sauce!” Jeno cheers and his face lit up. “It’s so good!”

So Jaemin smirks and looks at Doyoung as if he wins this nonexistent competition again, because he always wins anyway. There are times when Jaemin would like to burst his bubble, when Doyoung is too alert and territorial like he owns Jeno. But Jaemin can top that, and he likes to test the waters. Like that one day when Taeyong asked them to come over to his house and Chenle helped him cooked ramyun for everyone, Doyoung is all over Jeno about what Jaemin remembered is a guide book about how to take care of cat, and by the time they were eating there was a little mishap. Jeno burned his tongue and he screeched, everyone else is concern but not as concern as Jaemin, that's what he'd like to believe, and he sees Doyoung standing up from his seat so he just went for it. Turning to Jeno fast, guiltless hand reaching up to Jeno’s chin while he swipes his thumb to touch at Jeno’s bottomn lip for the other to open his mouth as if it’s gonna solve anything. He’d barely seen Jeno’s tongue before Doyoung is pulling him away from his seat, away from Jeno. It’s the confirmation Doyoung needs and a little hint wouldn't hurt. He still doubts that Doyoung would confront him. But it was a little unsettling, because it might have clicked to Renjun too. After that incident, Renjun seems to be keeping an eye or intently listening whenever it’s about the two of them, Jaemin and Jeno.

“Jaemin-ah, can you make it, please?” Jeno lounges forward, hands clutching at the sleeve of Jaemin’s shirt.

Jaemin looks at him and Jeno is already smiling expectantly because he’s certain Jaemin wouldn’t say no to him at all. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Doyoung studying his face and it only made Jaemin grin even wider. That, he won their non existent competition again.

It was a little sappy even if Jaemin is certain he’d put the right amount of salt and soy sauce in it. The rice is perfectly fried already and it might change it’s texture if it stays longer in the pan. Jaemin groans, not knowing what to do.

“Just put the damn MSG.” Doyoung says for the nth time, now shoving the pack of the evil sprinkles on his face.

“No, no. Stop. That’ll ruin it.” Jaemin whines about, frustrated because that’s not how Jeno wanted it.

“You’ll ruin my kitchen.” Doyoung whines back, wiping the spilled soy sauce in the counter. “Just do as I say and stop trying to impress Jeno.”

Jaemin decides to ignore that and just went for adding a little more of soy sauce and another pitch of salt, mixing it like his life depended on it. Tired, he didn’t complain anymore when Doyoung turns the stove and he resigns back to the living room where they left Jeno and he’s still there in the couch, occupied with his phone.

It wasn’t like a magnet, but it’s more of automatic, how when Jaemin sits beside him, Jeno had on leg perched up on his, entangling their foot. Jeno shifts, so half of of the back of his body is resting on Jaemin’s. He focuses his eyes on Jeno’s phone instead, because he wouldn’t get mad even if Jaemin does just that. And Jeno does the same whenever he would watch whatever it is Jaemin is doing with his phone. They even know each other’s phone passwords, and social media passwords. It’s like anything that is Jaemin’s, is Jeno’s too.

“I told you to change your wall paper.” Jaemin didn’t even try to sound intimidating anymore because he knows it doesn’t work on Jeno. Last week, they bought the same phone brand of the same color, and Jeno thinks it would be funny if they use the same wallpaper and lockscreen just to make them confuse.

“Where’s the fun in there?” Jeno rolled his eyes.

“You’re the funniest, indeed.” Jaemin says, sarcastic. He ignored the frown Jeno is throwing at his direction and in a minute, Doyoung is serving the food in the dining table, telling them to part because the AC is barely working and it’s humid in the room.

The school library is packed on most days with the students who needed cool air. In the green space behind the campus where it’s just trees and grasses that kisses the ocean, they built a little sanctuary out of an abandoned bus in the middle of the grass field. They cleaned it up, painted it with characters and their names, and they even brought furnitures to make it seem like a house. This place is actually off limits from their campus but there’s no security with the students all knowing that they shouldn’t go there. But what they didn’t know is that it was safe from the wild and only a few stray dogs would visit and play with them. The regular is a brown husky they named Brown, because her hair is brown, Jisung says. She comes a lot on weekdays and the boys make sure to left her treats nearby the bus so she wouldn’t be sad if she wouldn’t find them on her visit. And there’s Black too, because well, and Jaemin thinks he only visits because he likes Brown.

It’s 2 in the afternoon and Jisung is hitting his head with the pencil as Jaemin watches him tries to answer his homework on Biology. They’re seated across each other on the bus seats whilst Donghyuck is sleeping at the back with their provided bed made of cushion that was once in Jaemin’s room. There’s a light bulb and an ice fan that works with the portable electricity power supply Renjun made himself. It’s impossible to have complete access on water electricity but there’s a nearby faucet at the school grounds they could fetch water from to use in their little comfort room there. They have a few clothes piled up from an old drawer Mark brought to the bus a month ago.

“That should be easy.” Jaemin reads through his notebook.

“Hyung, you’re only saying that because you took this subject last year.” Jisung rolled his eyes and scratch the back of his ears, his glasses falling in the process.

“You..” Jaemin starts. Because Jisung could careless about his studies and if he’s looking that bothered then something is up. “This isn’t about classes right. What’s wrong? Tell hyung what’s wrong. I’m worried about you.”

“Nothing.” Jisung scrunches his nose in his own lie. “It’s just that...”

“What?”

“Chenle is...”

“Hmm?” Jaemin raised a brow.

“He said he might be going back to China for good next school year but he isn’t sure. He told me not to tell anyone.” Jisung says, as if the weight in his chest was lifted off.

“Oh.” Jaemin is surprised, and sad at the same time. They’re like a family, solid and wouldn’t function correctly if one is missing. They couldn’t afford to lose Chenle and he could only imagine how it would affect Jisung, if he imagines Jeno is flying off somewhere to leave him to. That shit hurts. They are attached to one another like Jeno and Jaemin. Except Jisung doesn’t like Chenle, and Chenle doesn’t like Jisung. “Can’t it change?”

“I don’t know. It’s his grandpa that’s insisting it.”

“They already bought a house here with his parents this year. There’s a chance that he won’t. Don’t worry, Jisungie.”

Jisung smiled up at him.

This is the third time life teaches Jaemin a lesson as to not put words into other persons mouth. First was when he confidently announced to his friends that Donghyuck wouldn’t make it to their last year of middle school because he’s failing English and his last chance was the monologue presentation in front of 200 students and 10 faculty teachers at the school auditorium. It was a slap on the face because Donghyuck nailed it perfectly and Jaemin was just so happy for him. Second was when he said he’d cut three of his fingers if Mark would ask Koeun on a date, Mark’s childhood crush, and he did. Mark let him slip, though, too delighted that she said yes.

Today’s air feels so different. Maybe it’s really the time for him to stop putting words into other people’s mouth because now Chenle is sitting on Jaemin’s bed across him on his desk chair. A smug look on the younger’s face and he has his elbows on his knees, fiddling with his fingers. Jaemin watches him carefully.

“I—I like Jisung.” Chenle says again.

Jaemin’s eyes grew big knowing that he didn’t misheard it the first time. But he wouldn’t want to act surprised as he is at the moment, because that won’t placate Chenle at all. Or rather, in case this is just one of his jokes. It’s ironic to be hearing a revelation of feelings from someone younger than him, and it was Chenle to Jisung, something he never suspected before. Sure, they were close, but that’s now how it’s supposed to be. Jaemin keeps Chenle’s eyes on him, waiting for the younger to laugh, but he didn’t.

“Hyung, I like Jisung and I don’t know if I should tell him or not because I might leave next year.....what—what should I do?” Chenle says. Though he looks rather calm, his voice tells differently, sounding so desperate and confused.

“But do you...do you want to tell him?” Jaemin asked, the question was surprisingly directed at him too. His lungs empty with oxygen as the question plays like a mantra in his head. It’s not unheard of of people falling for their friends and the confession breaks the friendship apart. In that sense, maybe Chenle is just as scared as Jaemin.

“I don’t know.” Chenle shakes his head, his semblance is back to that of him being just a kid that needs taking care of. “What about you? Do you want to tell Jeno hyung, too?”

The question made his brows furrows that he sports immediately, like he wasn’t caught off guard, and Jaemin is sure it’s the mask of facade that he’s wearing now. So Chenle seeks for him because he thinks they’re on the same page. Suddenly, shooting that question, Chenle doesn’t look as defeated as he was 30 seconds ago, like Jaemin had just bit his bait because he only came here to ask that and this is not about Jisung at all. Maybe the blood in Jaemin’s veins is boiling right now, but he doesn’t show it.

“I’m...sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to ask.” Chenle says sheepishly and there’s a change in his expression that Jaemin knew figured he means it. He wasn’t testing Jaemin like he suspected. He had issues of his own and he’s here to ask Jaemin advice because he thinks, or rather, knows they’re on the same boat. He’s not here to interrogate nor make fun if Jaemin.

Even after that realization, Jaemin is trembling, but not because he is angry at Chenle. But because he’s showing a new side of himself to someone that isn’t Jeno, the side of him that is not confident and insecure.

Maybe, Chenle would let him slip if he didn’t say anything at all.

The weekends passed after Chenle’s disclosure and once they were at the cafeteria on Monday to have lunch, Jaemin ordering the food for everyone, Chenle offered that he’d help him this time.

“Jaemin hyung, we’re okay right?” Chenle asked.

Jaemin looks at him with a friendly shocked expression. Guilt surges through his chest to know that Chenle misunderstood his silence as anger and the younger probably thought about it over the weekends. “Of course, why wouldn’t we be?” Jaemin asked the obvious, not expecting for an answer and flashes him a warm smile.

Chenle smiles back, fondly. “You’ll keep my secret, right? You won’t tell anyone?”

“Of course.” Jaemin pats him on the head.

“Then I’ll keep your secret too.”

Jaemin didn’t smile this time, because if he does, then Chenle will know. Just like that, Jaemin is hit by a wave of emotions. Whether or not he should ask Chenle what secret was he pertaining to, or if should just directly deny it that he doesn’t like Jeno and Chenle is just imagining things, but that would sound too defensive. And he doesn’t know whether he should be glad that the conversation cut short because Jeno is shouting their names and walking over them, asking what the two are talking about. He didn’t get to defend himself.

After class Jaemin walks home with Jeno. Like everyday. They would stop by his house first since it’s nearer the campus and Jaemin would change from his uniforms.

Same goes every day where they will climb up Jaemin’s room and Jeno will flop down on Jaemin’s bed like he owns it, muttering how tired he is for the day, and maybe watching Jaemin change his clothes too.

“I’ll walk you home.” Jaemin says after pulling his shirt on. Though they do this every day, it still feels nice to always say it. Always. “Get up.”

Jeno groaned and plops on his stomach, burying his face on Jaemin’s pillow. “Let me rest. I’m tired. You saw Donghyuck wrestled me and all my limbs hurt.”

Donghyuck literally had his knees on Jeno’s back whilst pulling at his hair. Apparently, he’s demanding Jeno to tell him the class secret about their Health exam. Their teacher, Ms. Im, promise to give their class a plus ten on their papers because they’re the most behaved among the three sections but asked the class not to tell the others. Jaemin shakes his head, smiling fondly although Jeno couldn’t see him. Jeno doesn’t have to see him. He walks to the bed so he could pull Jeno to get up, but when Jeno pulled him down to the bed with him, Jaemin couldn’t find it in himself to fight it and he he allowed Jeno to tuck him on his chest, arm on Jaemin’s back and his nose burried on Jaemin’s head.

“Did you wash you hair?” Jeno mumbles.

“Of course.” Jaemin laughs.

They stayed like that for awhile, and although Jaemin’s heart is beating fast, overwhelmed by the warmth of Jeno’s body against his, he drifts to sleep. Just having Jeno close like this makes him feel whole. Everything is warm and serene with him.

Jaemin wakes to delicate fingers carding through his hair and he’s still on Jeno’s chest, and he can hear his breathing clearly. It’s almost painful to pull away and when he does, Jeno is smiling at him with that smile that makes Jaemin’s heart swells and he knows he’s in love. He wonders when did liking Jeno turns to wanting Jeno, and when did wanting Jeno turns to being in love with him. But such trivial things didn’t matter, and Jaemin wonders how would Jeno react if he just say, “I love you, you know that?” It was dangerous, how it just slipped out of his mouth so easily. Because it isn’t one of those moments where he’s making fun of Jeno, forcing him to say it back knowing that Jeno hates saying these kinds of cheesy words. He just woke up in Jeno’s arms and that’s the first thing he says? To hell with it.

Jeno groaned at that, pushing Jaemin’s face away but he’s laughing. And that’s enough for Jaemin to know that Jeno loves him too, at least, although it’s not the same way Jaemin wants him to.

“What time is it?” Jaemin shifts and looks out the window. It’s already dark.

“It’s past dinner.” Jeno yawns and sit up, still in his school uniform. “Your mom came by your room I told her we’ll have dinner when you wake up.”

“Ah, it’s already 8 o’clock.” Jaemin says when his eyes finally adjusted and he could see the numbers in the wall clock. “You must be hungry. Let’s go.”

“You should wash up first. Your hair smells terrible.” Jeno snorts.

Jaemin looks back at him and wonders if Jeno is just joking, brushing his hair up with his fingers. “Does it? Really?”

Jeno hummed. “I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

With that being said, Jaemin didn’t complain when Jeno followed him to the bathroom, or when Jeno asked Jaemin’s help to undo his belt for him because it’s too tight. Jeno wasn’t complaining either when Jaemin’s eyes roams over his bare body that lingers longer than usual before he joins Jaemin under the shower. They didn’t speak a word and it’s just Jeno’s hands automatically reaching up for Jaemin’s hair to help him wash. Or how Jaemin grabs on Jeno’s waist, keeping the latter’s back flat to his chest, so the water could get to them both.

Once they’re out of the shower, Jaemin lets him use his clothes, and Jeno helps him to dry his hair with a towel.

With Jaemin sitting on the bed and Jeno standing in front of him, Jaemin feels like a little child being taken care of by his mother. The feeling long gone when Jeno leans in and his mind went blank, only to realize that Jeno did that to smell his hair.

“Now, you smell good.”

Jaemin wishes he isn’t blushing too much at the compliment for Jeno to notice.

Jeno’s sister has terrible habits of snitching on him and passing her obligations to Jeno, reasoning out that she’s older and Jeno had to listen to everything she says. Jaemin finds himself caught in most of it. Like right now, they are at a bookstore where Jeno’s instructs them to go and buy everything on the list she provided. Those were architectural materials and they could barely understand what they are for and where to find them in the store.

Jaemin sees a section of paper clips and pulled Jeno with him.

“Jaemin-ah, what are you doing?”

That falls on deaf ears and Jaemin is too intent eyeing a yellow paper clip with a lemon character in it. He brushes Jeno’s bangs to the side and clips it carefully.

“What was that.” Jeno whined but Jaemin stops his wrist.

Jaemin is smiling, looking at Jeno’s face. “You look so pretty.” If Jeno is a dog, he’d be barking right now. Jaemin is rarely using his strength against Jeno and today is one of those where he’s stopping Jeno’s wrist so he wouldn’t reach to his hair and remove the clip.

It had Jeno scowling and resisting even more and he opts to bite at Jaemin’s hand instead.

“Ow!!!” Jaemin screams, because Jeno had done it and there’s actually spit and teeth marks on his poor hands.

“How am I pretty, I am a manly man.” Jeno rolled his hand, discarding the clip and throwing it back to the tray where it belonged.

“You are the cutest manly man, then.” Jaemin says. He wouldn’t admit that there are a few more hair clips in his drawers that he could put on Jeno whenever he gets a chance.

“Hey, I have abs!” Jeno defended, clutching at the expanse of his stomach.

Jaemin knows that. They’re two people who enjoy physical activities such as dancing, basketball, and volley ball. At the age of 16, they’re built enough to form muscles anywhere in their bodies. Jaemin pulled at Jeno’s arms so Jeno lounges towards him and he whispers, “Show me.” And before he could brace himself, Jeno is punching him on his stomach.

“Get your ass moving.” Jeno exhales, picking up the list that fell on the ground. “We don’t have all day. My sister is going to kill me if I don’t bring here all this.”

“Like I would allow her.” Jaemin says it out loud when it should only be in his head.

“Huh?” Jeno raised a brow at him. “You’re crazy.”

“Just...just give it to the staff. They’ll take care of it.”

Jeno looks at Jaemin like he holds the key to One Piece. “You’re right.”

Turns out it wasn’t a good thing to joke about marriage. After a little of friendly banter with Donghyuck inside their bus while they eat pop corns and soda, talking about anything under the sun or how Mark’s day went and said boy sounds so dreamy, Jaemin says, “Why does it feel like you’ll be the bride and she’ll be the groom?” Jaemin asks. Because Mark kept blabbering about how he’ll clean their future house, take care of their future dogs and cats, and car wash their future Lambourgini.

“God, Jaemin. Let the boy dream!” Renjun says, frustrated, he’s been demanding for everyone to shut up for a second so he could finish talking with the online seller on his phone. Donghyuck already stopped talking since he’s too busy eating a pack of macadamia but Jaemin finds it a good opportunity to poke fun of Mark.

Mark had always been reserved and shy, while the girl he talks about is a team leader of Taekwondo in their school, and well, Mark, it’s just overwhelming to see him this happy and Jaemin thinks it’s not so bad to rain on his parade. He rarely gets on his friends hair, unlike Renjun who thinks Jaemin is some clown, so he isn’t one to talk.

In their group of friends, the favorite subject of mockery is of course, Jeno. He just laughs at everything or that when he retaliates, in whatever sense, it’s just too unfunny. The exact reason why Donghyuck goes on rampage when making fun of Jeno. Renjun says logical things in a rather ungenerous way, but he wouldn’t admit that his pettiness goes down to even researching how to be a good friend when someone younger like Jisung or Chenle would act up on him. Jisung has been growing balls nowadays, and Donghyuck says that’s what he gets for hanging out with Jaemin a lot. Donghyuck likes to pry to basically anything, even the non existent and demands them to tell him a secret before he does any favor from them. Chenle is just there, laughing, protesting, or buying them snacks.

Oftentimes, Jaemin becomes nervous because whenever the jeering is directed at him, it all comes down to one argument, and that argument is Jeno. So Jaemin isn’t surprised anymore when Renjun, after ending his phone call with the online seller for what seemed like forever, looks at him saying, “So, who’s the bride, you or Jeno?”

It hits a nerve. Like it always does and maybe Renjun is aware, or enjoying how Jaemin had to mask how riled up he is whenever he brought it up. Jaemin blinks up at him, pondering of a casual retort that wouldn’t expose the skeleton in the cupboard. He looks a Jeno, who makes a weird sound, eyes growing big for a second and he’s attention is back to whatever it is he’s doing on his phone, like he always does. That speaks a lot about how Jaemin is the only one affected by this discussion. His eyes shots on Mark who’s breathing through his nose, trying to stop his laughter and Chenle is just smiling at him. He’ll be lucky if Chenle wouldn’t defend him for it will only make things worse.

“Don’t mind him, just drink your coffee, hyung.” Jisung taps Jaemin’s arm with his pencil, shaking his head and returns to writing whatever homework it is he’s pretending to do. Jisung can be really useful sometimes.

“What did you say? Park Jisung!” Renjun stood up from one of the seats on the bus, though he doesn’t look anything intimidating, he’s trying his best, really.

“Can’t we just come here sometimes without Renjun? He’s so loud—-“ Before Donghyuck could even finish, Renjun wrestled him down to the floor and there’s a loud thud.

Jeno is laughing so hard Jaemin wonders if he would cry. Like a ray of sunshine, the world was a better place when he does. Jaemin feels like a new born child, weightless and careless, every time he gets a chance to see Jeno smile.

“Oh my god, no! Renjun! Stop!” Mark is screaming in panic as though it wasn’t obvious enough that Renjun is only fake strangling Donghyuck and the latter is just keeping up with him, pretending that he’s hurt. They’re messing with Mark now, pretending to fight, but Mark is clueless. Mark stands up from his seat beside Jaemin dashes to where they are on the cramped floor and shouts at them to help stop Renjun’s rage but they just laughed at him.

Mark’s seat is the biggest and the foam has yet to die of age in that abandoned bus so Jeno immediately transferred there when the older got up. Sometimes, Jaemin wonders if Jeno did that because he likes to sit beside Jaemin, or Jeno just wants the seat because it’s comfortable. Then Jeno shows him a photo on his phone of Nal sitting on top of Seol and Jaemin laughs. Then he’d seen through Jeno’s smile when he looks up. Later last year, it’s been found that Jeno’s sneezing fit is his allergic reaction to cat’s fur and the allergy medicines didn’t work so he had to send Bongsik, Seol and Nal to his grandmother. Jeno cried that day and it hurts because Jaemin never saw him cried before, and it takes all his vigor to fight the urge to cry with him as it will only make things worse and he’s supposed to comfort him. Jeno didn’t talk to anyone for a week, except with Jaemin, and that’s when he realised that Jeno loves him so much even if it’s not romantically. It doesn’t have to be romantically. Jaemin wouldn’t trade his life for anything else to know that he’s this close to Jeno.

“They’ve gotten so fat. I wonder if Seol is still breathing!” Jaemin beams.

“Of course. Grandmas.” Jeno snorts a laugh. “Jaemin-ah, you promise we’d come visit them on Saturday.”

“Oh?” Jaemin feigns surprise. He immediately regrets this when Jeno looks up at him with worried eyes.

“What’s wrong? Do you have plans?”

Jaemin smiles fondly, hands sliding down on Jeno’s knees. “I haven’t prepared a gift for grandma. We haven’t seen her for six months.”

“It’s ok. We could pass by some flower shops and you could get her a pot of Calla or something? Seunghwan noona said she’ll drive for us.” Jeno offered him a smile.

“I’m excited to see grandma.” Jaemin tells Jeno, ignoring the unreadable gazes Chenle and Renjun are throwing in their direction.

Never did Jaemin have a problem ever when he ask for his parents permission on going anywhere where Jeno or Jeno’s family is involved. When he informed his mother about the visit to Jeno’s grandmother, she prepared a warming slippers and his dad even bought an eye glass holder made of wooden butterfly design. Before he finishes packing in the morning, his mother handed her a gift box and said that those were plaid tie collars for Jeno’s cats. Jaemin smiled at her, touched, and he could only imagine how happy Jeno and his grandmother would be.

The drive to Gwangju takes about five hours from Seoul on a Friday night with the traffic included, since it’s located on the far southwest of the country. Jaemin always loved going here when he was a kid; there are mountains , valleys, traditional temples, forests and various national parks. They have a friendly community too which explains Jeno’s family traits from their hometown. So it’s still a big question why Jeno and his sister, Seunghwan, banters a lot. He guesses that’s what siblings do because Seunghwan had always been nice to Jaemin himself. Jeno was on the passenger seat in the first 15 minutes of their drive until their banter went out of control and Jeno had to climb to the back seat where Jaemin is.

“I am grandma’s favourite, I am mom’s favourite, and I am dad’s favourite. That’s it.” Seunghwan finally announces. They’re quarrelling about which between the two of them is their grandmother’s favourite.

Though Jaemin is certain it’s Jeno because she literally treats him like a new born child.

Jeno concedes defeat and slouches lower in the back seat and Jaemin wondered if he misheard it when he whispered words somewhere along like it didn’t matter because he’s Jaemin’s favourite.

“What?” Jaemin asked.

“Let me sleep.”

It’s almost funny yet sweet how Jeno’s grandmother still treats them like little kids. But they’re supposed to be manly, developing adults, yet Jaemin wouldn’t deny how his heart flutters being pampered like that. Jeno screamed when Jaemin showed Jeno the gift for his cats and regrets that he didn’t gave it earlier because Jeno already started sneezing which means he needs to be away from the cats any time soon and asks Seunghwan to put the collars for them. “My babies.” Jeno coos, pinching Jaemin’s legs so hard he almosy yelps. One final sneeze and Jeno’s grandmother told the two of them to climb up on Jeno’s room.

“Jaemin-ah, that was so cute, they’re so cute. My babies.” Jeno murmurs, sitting on his bed and swiping on the photos of his phone. “Thank you so much.”

Jaemin laughs. “Mom bought them.”

“Still.” Jeno says. “Let’s take a shower.”

“Do we have to?” Jaemin asks and sniffed on his shirt. He thinks he smell just fine.

Jeno throws him an impossible look and dashes through his drawers.

There’s a knock on their door and Jaemin opened it. “Since the two of you have nothing better to do, I need you to do something for me.” Seunghwan says, one hand perched on her hip, intimidating but beautiful.

“We’re about to shower.” Jeno answers.

Seunghwan raised a brow. “You still shower together? My, that’s weird.”

It’s a question that startles Jaemin and his eyes quickly flies to Jeno’s direction to see his reaction. How is he supposed to answer such a question? And what if Jeno would start to think it’s weird now that someone pointed it out? But Jeno shows no reaction like he didn’t hear anything at all.

“We’ll do it later.” Jeno tells her. “Come on, Jaemin.”

He heard Seunghwan huffed and she grabbed at the knob to close it for them.

Once they’re inside the shower, both stark naked in the alcove tub that’s been there ever since they were kids, Jeno scoots closer to Jaemin. Like it was completely natural to bathe with his bestfriend, naked, and to settle himself between Jaemin’s legs. Jeno turned back on him and places both hands on top of Jaemin’s legs under the water and it burns.

“If we don’t shower together, who’s going to wash my back?” Jeno finally says. Like he’s been thinking over what his sister said earlier, too.

Jaemin hissed like he was annoyed and begrudgingly reaches for the scrub on the other side of the tub, his bare chest flat on Jeno’s bare back when he does. “You sure it’s just your back that you want me to wash?” He whispers, lips intentionally touching Jeno’s ears just to toy with him.

Jeno raised one of his leg and says, “Wash my foot then.”, like he didn’t figure out Jaemin was teasing him.

“You’re gross.” Jaemin snorts, even if he’d do that if Jeno asked him to.

Jeno starts humming on a song when Jaemin begins scrubbing his back, making weird noises when Jaemin would press harder. Jeno’s skin is white and soft but that’s just that. He doesn’t looks at him explicitly or take advantage of his closeness to Jeno to do so, even after he developed feelings for him. Jaemin could forget that he loves Jeno, but Jaemin could never forget that Jeno is his friend that he respects the most. He never really looked at Jeno like. Jeno suddenly stops humming to whatever song that is and ask, “Hey, do you think you’ve grown a lot bigger down there?”

“Down where?” Jaemin managed to ask before he realises what Jeno meant but the other already shifted so they’re facing each other. No. More like Jeno is looking down at his.... Jaemin is quick to close this legs and holds his knees to his chest protectively. Thankfully, the water is blurry with soap and bubbles.

“What!?” Jeno looks up at him, offended. “I saw three minutes ago!”

Jaemin reddens because it was true and that Jeno’s boldness is too much. He honestly thought he’s the obscene one between the two of them. “Y—yeah, but! But! But! But you’re not supposed to look!” Jaemin splashes water on Jeno with one hand, still clicking on his knees for his dear life.

Jeno hisses at him like Jaemin is the crazy one between them. “It’s not like you’re a virgin.”

“Well, I am a virgin!” Jaemin defends himself. “And so are you!”

Jeno only hummed like he had a very informative realisation that they both are.

Jaemin tries to calm. With a single question, he didn’t think that he could turn the tables around. “Why are you suddenly curious about—“

“Stop it already! This is why my sister thinks we’re weird!”

Jaemin looks at him in disbelief. Jeno must have gone really crazy. He’d explain it deliberately that there’s nothing weird between them, but Jeno is covering his ears like it’s Jaemin who started such very unlikely discussion.

Jaemin decides not to talk for awhile and he watches Jeno leave the tub and followed five minutes after. The older is already on the bed in his pyjamas and Jaemin scoots beside him and tries not to laugh when he sees Jeno’s screen, swiping through the photos of his cats with the collar Jaemin’s mother gave.

“Think you should go for another check-up to get alternative medicine for that?” Jaemin asked, talking about Jeno’s allergy.

Jeno hums and flattens his back to the wall to make more space for Jaemin. “Yeah, I would but it’s gonna hurt if it doesn’t work again.” He puts his phone under his pillow to look at Jaemin.

If only Jaemin could take away that allergy so Jeno can be happy with his cats for his dear life. He reaches out a hand on the back of Jeno’s nape and pulled their foreheads together, Jeno closed his eyes. The mole under his eyes looks so pretty, like it is the main point of his incredulously handsome face. “You ever heard of those cats that don’t have fur?”

“Yeah but don’t make it worse by saying crap like I should get a sphynx and abandon my babies. Or I should shave their hair. Bald cats. I will punch you.” Is Jeno’s empty threat.

“Oh.” Jaemin sulks. “But don’t be sad anymore, here.” The hand on Jeno’s nape travels down his wrist and Jaemin guides Jeno’s hand on the front of his own boxers and he’d never seen Jeno’s eyes grown so big and maybe he shouldn’t have done this afterall. “ I answered your question earlier at the tub, right?”

Jeno’s eyes is still widen like he’d seen a ghost, but he didn’t retract his hand and squeezed, making Jaemin scream.

The next day, they had to suffer about Seunghwan’s rage, first, about how they didn’t show up when they promised they’d do her a favor, second, whoever among them screamed so loud last night.

As long as Jaemin can remember in their ten years of friendship, awkward air doesn’t have a place anymore between them, even after what happened at the tub that one night, or what took place in Jeno’s room afterwards. He’s fairly certain nothing had changed between them and that Jeno was just curious. So when Jeno touched his own and said, “It’s like the same as mine too.”, Jaemin didn’t let him when Jeno made a move to touch him again and tells him to sleep.

If there’s anything Jaemin wants to avoid, it’s being alone with Renjun and maybe with Chenle, too, even if the younger promised that his secret is safe and even if he trusts Chenle that he wouldn’t snitch on him. However, Renjun’s agenda saunters differently. As though he’s seizing up Jaemin every time he looks at him, which began particularly that day on Taeyong’s house after the ramen incident.

Jaemin always knows that it’s inevitable to be alone with Renjun because they share the same group of friends, and because the two of them are most likely to skip on physical activities because they’re both lazy. It wasn’t a surprise when Jeno pulled Jisung and Chenle with him to where Donghyuck and Mark are at the field playing with a frisbee, leaving him and Renjun alone in one of the bleachers. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, really, because they used to talk a lot, until Jaemin became fully aware of what Renjun may know or have an idea of, judging by his change of demeanor towards Jaemin. Given this question, he hadn’t interrogate Renjun about the girl that he likes from the other class, maybe some other time when Renjun wouldn’t bite him back which is very unlikely to happen.

Renjun is occupied with a scrap book he’s working on. It’s actually Jisung’s homework in health class to create a scrap book of his family and friends but he had poop hands so they couldn’t trust him with the scissors. Chenle was supposed to do it if Jeno hadn’t pulled him to the field. “Jaemin, do you believe in aliens?”

Jaemin startled at the sudden question and he isn’t sure if it’s okay to laugh because Renjun looked so serious. He’s heard Renjun talk about things like this with Jisung a lot. “Well.... there’s Donghyuck, so..”

Renjun laughed. “Sure, there’s that, but.. not like Donghyuck. Or the UFOs. Don’t you think there exists some species in other planets which, who knows, they don’t have to be intelligent to fly over Earth, just exist. Some interplanetary lifeforms have evolved and acclimated possibly to the conditions in space, you know.”

Jaemin isn’t as dreamy as he is when he was a child. Everything you can imagine isn’t real, he wants to tell Renjun. He’d long stop believing in fantasies, aliens, and ghosts, and grew out of thinking what if he’s talking to a robot or what if God is one of them. You just have to accept the limits of reality, like his place in Jeno’s heart. “Maybe.” Jaemin says, not wanting to sound sarcastic and he smiles at Renjun. “Then you should work hard, Renjun. Be a scientist, an astronaut, fly to the moon and find out yourself. Then you tell me.”

Renjun smiles back at the encouragement. “What do you want to be when you grow up, Jaemin?”

For some reason, Jaemin couldn’t come up for an answer. It’s not like he’s indecisive, it’s just that he had yet to think about it. College is still two years away and he can decide that once he’s on last year of highschool. He can decide that with Jeno.

“Hey, Jaemin. What do you think of Jeno?”

A wave of nausea invades Jaemin when he looks at Renjun’s direction who’s eyes are focused on the scrap book with a photo and glue stick in hand. He’s holding a photo of Jeno, the one where Jeno is not wearing glasses and is wearing a yellow buttoned ups from the Christmas party one year ago. Jaemin knows it wasn’t about the picture that he intends to ask, but he isn’t ready, so he says instead, “Wouldn’t it be better if you use the photo of him with glasses on? He’s always with glasses.”

Like he went on an after thought, not wanting to impose more of what Jaemin doesn’t want to tell him, Renjun says, “Hey, Jaemin. Let’s dress up together on Halloween.”

The annual school Halloween party is still in three months. “What do you mean dress up together? It’s still too early for that.”

“Not aliens, of course. Something cool.”

“Yeah? Like what?” Jaemin dares.

“Nevermind, I’ll ask Donghyuck instead.”

Worst things happens to the best of us. On a warm sunny day where everything seems right and tranquil inside the school gym with only the sound of the boys heavy breathing after the push-ups on PE class. Jaemin already finished his turn and now it’s Jeno and Sanha while their teachers sits on a chair with a timer in hand. Jeno is strong and built with all the muscles that’s been there since forever, and he looks effortlessly handsome and Jaemin couldn’t stop staring at him until he heard the creak and when he looks up, the ring board clings lifelessly on the stand and before it could even fall on Jeno, Jaemin scrambles in his foot and...thud. He’s in daze and before Jaemin could actually fathom what he did and what just happened, Jeno is below him, screaming.

“Jaemin! You’re hurt!!!”

By the time Jaemin comes to, if he remembers correct he’s certainly at a hospital, not at the school clinic since he’s been there lots and it’s not as white and cold as this one. Not that he actually passed out. Jaemin recalls how he was brought to the school clinic but the nurses demanded it was an emergency and send him to the hospital, with Jeno barely holding on his arm like Jaemin is something that broke. Jeno. “Where is Jeno?” He thinks out loud, when he looks to his left, there’s Renjun and Chenle seated on the visitor chair.

“Wow, that’s like the most you can say after staring at the ceiling for fifteen minutes?” Renjun throws at him, but even from afar, Jaemin can tell how worried he is from his face.

Jaemin looks back up at the ceiling. It must’ve been the pain reliever and the antibiotics that makes his head and body feels so light.

“Jeno hyung is at the emer—-“ Chenle must’ve startle a little the way Jaemin is quick to land his eyes on him. “He sort of scratched his hip. They’re cleaning his wounds.”

“What?”

Renjun says something to Chenle in chinese that must’ve meant he’s asked the younger to check on Jeno and he bowed to Jaemin before he leaves the room. “He’s checking on Jeno.”

Jaemin understands this as Renjun’s ways of wanting to be alone with him. And Jaemin is terrified of what comes next. It could be Renjun’s first step into confronting Jaemin about Jeno, or simple he wants to beat Jaemin in the ass because right now, he’s pinned down on a hospital bed, unable to move for saving Jeno. Though it’s pretty much the same thing, Jeno hopes it’s the latter. “Bring it on.” Jaemin challenges. Too brave and dizzy for his own good.

“Really, now.” Renjun snorts and saunters to his bed to sit on the corner. “Jaemin, you’re a mess. Too stupid for your own good. Look at you now.”

Jaemin doesn’t think Renjun got him cornered now. He could always use the card of, I’d do it too, if it was you or Chenle, or Jisung or Donghyuck or Mark hyung. Because I know you’d do it for me, too. But it’s too early to sound so defensive. What he didn’t expect was the warm hand that was placed on top of his.

“Geez. How do I tell Donghyuck? He’ll panic. He has a quiz up at 2pm.” Renjun groans.

“Nice to know you’re so concern...of him.” Jaemin managed to roll his eyes.

“Jeno is going crazy, you know.” Renjun heaves a heavy sigh and retreats his hand. “Look, you don’t have to tell us what you don’t want to tell us, but please, don’t do stupid things like that ever again.”

“You know why I did it, right? Renjun?” Jaemin says without thinking. Somehow he’d find staring at the nothingness of the ceiling seems so interesting.

No answer.

Jaemin let’s out a breath, along with his heart, his fears, and finally there’s—-

“Because he’s your best friend.” Renjun dismisses his train of thoughts.

Jaemin looks at Renjun like he’s the biggest lie that’s ever existed in the world.

The next time Jaemin wakes, there are pair of eyes that were like passages to Heaven itself, except it was hazy and there was water that Jaemin had to swim before he can make it. “Jeno, don’t cry.” He says in hoarse voice, like it would placate him. The clouds are dark and heavy above their heads. “I’m okay.”

“You’re impossible.” Jeno lets out a loud breath from his nose and plants his face on the side of the bed. He’s still in his uniforms and Jaemin could judge by looking out the window that it’s night time.

“How’s your wound, I heard you were—“ Jaemin tried to shift when he says this, but there’s a sting and every part of his body ached and throbbed, specifically his upper torso that felt like it’s on fire. “Fucking shit, that hurts.” He groaned. It’s the vanishing effect of the pain reliever.

“Of course it does, you stupid!” Jeno lifts his head up and barks. He looked angry. “The ring board that’s ten feet above falls on your shoulder. No, you caught it. Are you really that stupid?”

Jaemin looks down to study Jeno’s face and he could see that he was rather worried than as angry as he sounds. He never gets angry at Jaemin after all. “I’m fine, I just—“

“Look, if you have to go around with a wheel chair it will be a handful to take care if you.” Jeno says with attitude which is completely the opposite of what he looks, wiping the tears off his eyes with he back of his hands.

“I said stop crying, okay?” Jaemin tells him. But he couldn’t show off that he’s any better. His body doesn’t let him move anymore. “Did mom know?”

Jeno nods. “She went back to your house to get you some clothes.”

Jaemin recalls the situation and thinks of the right words. He knows Jeno is guilty and there’s nothing he can do to make up for it other than to tell the truth. “Jeno, I did that because it was going to fall on your head. I didn’t do it just out of impulse, or stupidity.”

Jeno just looks at him and nods. “Still stupid. But promise me, you’ll never do that again?”

“Yeah. Because I don’t want to see you crying. See, I’d rather see you with a broken skull than crying.” Jaemin jokes and he laughs with Jeno, his body hurting at that.

“Don’t think you’re Iron Man.”

“I’m no hero. I’m your prince. Bet you kissed me that woke me up from my deep slumber.”

“It’s the other way around, stupid. Why would I kiss you.” Jeno flicks him on the cheek. He reaches a hand up Jaemin’s forehead, brushing the hair up with his careful fingers.

Jaemin melts to the touch and it was too much. “Why, don’t you want to kiss me?”

“Let me kiss you, then.”

Both their heads turned to the sound of the voice and it was Jaemin’s mother entering the room with bags in her hands. Jaemin swallows the lump in his throat, not because of the kiss, but because she looks so unamused and it’s been awhile since Jaemin seen that expression on her face. The last time was three years ago when Jaemin and his dad decided it was a good thing to play baseball inside their house and the ball landed on one of her tea set collection, breaking it to pieces, Jaemin could feel the moment his mom pinched her ears so hard just thinking about it. Meanwhile, Jeno looks so small on the side, because he blames himself for what happened.

“Mom, you’re so prett—-“

“Don’t.” Her mother dares him and turned Jeno. “Jen, you should eat before you go home, it’s late. I told your mom to pick you up. You can come back to check on this dumbass after your class tomorrow.”

Jaemin pouts at Jeno. Because he didn’t want to be alone with his mother’s rage. He reaches out for Jeno’s wrist on top of the bed, clutching at it like his life depends on it.

“I’m sure she won’t beat you up. You’re injured.” Jeno whispers to Jaemin and it’s not like she would. But it still feel good to cling on Jeno, to make him stay longer. “I love you.”

And Jaemin felt like he’s been hit by the falling ring board once again.

Before the night ends, Jaemin’s mother threatens to kill him if he doesn’t sleep and rest.

In a week, the pain completely died down and Jaemin convinced his mother to finally let him out of the hospital. There are no broken bones, just a really huge bruise on the his left shoulder all the way to the upper part of his back. The bruise was a dark color of purple and it’s almost fading. Jeno visits him at the hospital everyday, early morning before his class and after his class, he’ll stay with Jaemin until his mother picks him up late at night. They both know the only reason Jeno is coming to class is because of Jaemin’s mother threats that he won’t allow Jeno to visit if he doesn’t come go to school. Even Jaehyun would drop off everyday to bring him some food, with Doyoung and Taeyong sometimes. Mark visits everyday, too, after classes with Renjun, Chenle and Jisung. Chenle is the best because he always comes with good food. And by good food, really expensive food like grilled shrimp, seafood and beef stew, and steamed mandu. The one missing from the scene is Donghyuck. Said good friend reasons that he cannot stomach to see Jaemin in pain that’s why he can’t come to the hospital although he prays for him everyday. When in reality, they all know, he’s just busy playing Overwatch after classes.

There’s still some pain here and there but he doesn’t say it so his mom and allowed him to go back to school on Monday. After a week at the hospital, he had all the weekends to rest and home and ten days isn’t so bad just for some bruises, and he reasons to her that it’ll be difficult to catch up with school works if he skips classes more. It’s a secret that he’s going to class today, more like a secret from Jeno because he wants to surprise him about his perfectly healed back, although Jeno visited him at home last night and he made sure to kept the details that he’ll be back to school today. Walking through the gates, what he didn’t expect was a sleepy Donghyuck sitting by the bench nearby the guard house.

“Oi! Na Jaemin!”

Jaemin didn’t get the chance to dodge and then he’s trapped with two strong arms wrapped around him, squeezing and Jaemin holds the yelp that’s about to come out his mouth from the pain so Donghyuck wouldn’t notice.

“Oh my god! Na Jaemin! You’re alive! I was saving money to buy suit for your funeral but here you are!” Donghyuck is making those crying noises, patting Jaemin’s back where it’s painful.

“Hey—- thats— stop it! Let me go! Let me go!” Jaemin tries but Donghyuck is strong.

“I’ve missed you. I knew God would send you back through praye—“

“Jaemin?!”

They both look at the source of the voice, and it was Jeno, running in their direction with his hair swept up the wind. Not caring about the group of students bumping to him as he makes his way and Jaemin braced himself, when really, it should’ve been Donghyuck because Jeno literally shoved him away from Jaemin and poor dude falls back on his butt on the hard floor.

“Why are you— are you really okay, now? Does your back not hurt anymore!?” Jeno queries.

“I’m good. Wanted to surprise you, actually.” Jaemin says cooly, fixing his uniform that’s been ruined by Donghyuck.

Donghyuck didn’t get up from the ground and he’s staring at nothing in particular. Jaemin wondered if he even slept last night.

“I’m so glad! And you— you even got a haircut.” Jeno hugs Jaemin so tender, like Jaemin would break if he puts a little strength.

“I did before coming here. Do I look good?” Jaemin winks at him.

Jeno frowns a little at the same time the bell rang. “Let’s get in our class room.”

Jaemin allows Jeno to pull him, although he looks back at Donghyuck and ask Jeno, “Are we really gonna leave him there?” Which fell on deaf ears.

Not 10 minutes passed, when Jaemin and Jeno are comfortably seated in their respective seats, Renjun passed by the window guiding a lifeless Donghyuck on his foot. Donghyuck looks stupid like that, disheveled hair and straight eyes like life had already run out of him. Renjun knocks by the window glass across their seats. “Jaemin, you’re back.” He greets, but it’s more of like a statement. “And why am I the only dealing with this asshole.” He groaned out loud and drags Donghyuck again to their own classroom.

“Something wrong with Donghyuck?” Jaemin ask Jeno.

“Creepy right.” Jaemin hummed and smiled when Jeno placed a folder on their desk chair. “These are all the lectures, seatworks and homeworks that you missed. I work hard on those.”

“Woah.” Jaemin feigns. “I love you, Jeno.”

“Stop it.” Jeno groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re coming to class today? We could’ve walked here together.”

“Would’ve done the breakfast in bed for you but I woke up thirty minutes later than I planned.” Jaemin winked and earned a slap on the chest. “Oh, no violence. Please.”

“Fine. Then I’ll sleep over at your house tonight. So we could go together tomorrow.”

“Sure. But no cuddling, please. Or at least be gentle. I’m still in pa—“ another slap on his chest and their adviser entering the room made Jaemin shut up.

The annual school field trip junior year isn’t much to look forward to about. It’s the same route, as they heard from their seniors; the botanical garden, the library, the flower field, the river all crammed up in one cirque. The students can loiter for eight hours straight wherever they want to. They can ride the bike, buy fruit drinks and shakes on the stalls, pick flowers and take pictures, read books in the old library,and ride boats by the river. From the time they got down their buses, the air is fresh and they are welcomed with stalls of pretty looking souvenirs and Jaemin doesn’t think it’s as bad as Yukhei made it seem to be.

Jaemin isn’t very fond of rowdy places, which is a little ironic because he’s friends with Donghyuck, and he literally couldn’t do anything when excited Renjun and Donghyuck pulled Jeno with them, eager to take him to the river where the boats are. Jeno looked confused at first but he looks just as excited when he heard about the boats. Renjun shouts something along like Jaemin should come and get Jeno from them, but they were fast and Jaemin decides he’d just let them when he couldn’t find them on the crowd anymore.

He ponders where to go and was about to pull his phone out for directions when he felt a soft nudge on his shoulder. It’s Sanha, offering him a banana milk that Jaemin gladly took. “Hey, thanks.”

“You’re back’s okay now, dude?” Sanha asked.

“A lot better now yeah.”

“You saved Jeno.”

Jaemin looks up at him wondering if he meant more than that. He’s quite accustomed to thinking too much nowadays. Ignoring the stare Jaemin sends at him, Sanha waves and shouts from somewhere far, “Yangyang! Saeron!” After asking about his back, they keep Jaemin’s company for the whole day; they ate lunch at an expensive buffet with chocolate fountain, grabbed cups of coffee at the cutesy themed cafe because Saeron insisted, and they took pictures with the sailors and ship statues. He’d messaged his friends and even tried to video called Jeno but it all went ignored. They must’ve been too occupied and entertained with the boats Jaemin wondered if Jeno had his lunch yet. He bought him a ham sandwich at the cafe just in case.

Sanha tells them there’s no way he’s going in to the flower field because of his allergies and Saeron pouts when Yangyang said he’ll stay with Sanha outside because of his colds. When Saeron beams at Jaemin, he didn’t have the heart to reject.

Even a few meters from the glass door, the scent of the flowers can be smelled and it’s gotten a good kind of sweeter fragrance once they entered inside. Jaemin holds his breath, wanting for the sweetness to remain in his system. Flowers are lined up according to their kinds and colours, so inviting and amazing to the eyes. The rows of sunflowers are the largest and the most eye catching of all, the fading ray of sunlight from the sky adding to its beauty. There are flower pot of roses in violet, white and yellow and crimson red that looks so dominant among the colors. He doesn’t know why but it reminds him of Jeno. It correlates all the emotions he has for Jeno, happiness, falling in love, and his smile. His train of thoughts was cut when Saeron pulled him to the inner left of the garden where there are dasies , and yellow and purple chrysanthemums.

“Look, those are grape Hyacinth. They’re so pretty.” Saeron crouched down to smell them and Jaemin joins her. “We’re only allowed to pick one and I’m not sure what I should take, whether it’s this one or purple Aster over there.”

“We’re allowed to pick one?” Jaemin asked.

Saeron hummed. “I love everything. It’s frustrating.”

“Don’t be.” Jaemin laughed. He noticed that Saeron is only attracted to the purple ones. “I saw a store outside that sell various flower seeds. You should note what you like, then I’ll come with you to the store. You can plant them at home.”

Saeron looks at him and her pouts turned to a pretty smile. “I’ve heard some girls saying you’re sweet. But they’re wrong. You’re honestly the sweetest. So what’s your pick? Which flower did you like? Should I help you pick one while I still decide about mine?”

Jaemin tries not to flush at the compliment. He looks around and sees a red Laceleaf that looks so intimidating. Not that. Then found an assorted pot of anemones and he picked the red one. “Ah. This is the prettiest.” He says.

“Who are you giving it to?” Saeron asked.

Jaemin contemplates it. He already bought a souvenir for his mother, a yellow glass rose. Then he thinks of Jeno. “For Jeno’s sister.” He says. Seunghwan likes flowers. Their garden has tons of flower pots and vines plants.

“Why don’t you just give it to Jeno?”

Jaemin looks up at her. Was it supposed to be a joke?

“You look worried today, you know. But you’re with him, you look so—so happy. But now, it’s like you’re not having fun completely. And you’re always on your phone.”

“I’m sorry—“

“Oh, no. Don’t be.” Saeron. “I didn’t say it for you to feel bad. I was just worried you didn’t enjoy the trip today.”

“I’m just a little dizzy from the bus.” Jaemin says carefully.

“You should give that flower to Jeno.” Saeron smiles at him. “He’ll be happy to know that you thought about him while you picked it yourself.”

Jaemin looks at the flower in his hand. Like the color of red pulses through his blood. If someone like Saeron, someone he hanged out with just today, close to being a stranger, can see through his feelings easily, then what about the people closer to them? What about Jeno himself?

“What are you two doing?”

The voice sounded very familiar and Jaemin stood up straight, and he looks at Jeno like he’d done something wrong, and so Jeno looks at him like Jaemin had dome something wrong, too. They hold their gazes for a while until Saeron stands up and says, “I asked Jaemin to help me which flowers to pick. Thank you, Jaemin.”

Before Jaemin can even say a word, Saeron already turned her back on them, waving at someone he recognised is Yeri who’s entering the glass door.

“Oh, so you helped her picked flowers.” Jeno says.

She hadn’t picked a flower yet and Jaemin even promised to accompany her to the store. Jaemin nods, fiddling with the stem of the flower he stupidly hid behind his back. “Are you going to pick one, too?”

“Nope.” Jeno shakes his head. “They’re uglies.”

Jaemin clutches the flower behind him and hoped it didn’t crush.

Jaemin knows he’s sulking. After their dinner at a restaurant, the teachers do a headcount to make sure they’re complete and all intact one they go home. When they ride the bus, Jaemin isn’t saying anything and put his earphones on, closing his eyes to avoid any conversation with Jeno who sits by the window beside him. So he ignores it when Jeno pulled one of his earphones to put it on himself.

He ignores it too when he heard rustling of snacks or whatever and he didn’t have to open his eyes to know that Jeno is trying to offer him. And ignores it too when Jeno placed a palm flat on his leg. Jeno kneads to his thighs, tickling, that goes higher and higher until...

“He-hey!” Jaemin gasped and swat his hand away. He looks around the bus to only find everyone else sleeping or too busy with their phones. Then when he looks at Jeno, staring up at him innocently like he didn’t just touched Jaemin where he shouldn’t be touching him. “What do you think you’re doing!?” He says through gritted teeth. Jeno can be so impossible sometimes.

“What?” Jeno has the audacity to raise a brow. “You’re ignoring me.”

Jaemin rolled his eyes and looks away. Wondering what Jeno would do to break this trifling space between them. It’s not always that Jaemin would establish a squabble but he wonders how Jeno will handle it.

“Jaemin-ah.” Jeno says sweetly, placing his palm on Jaemin’s thigh once again that got swatted instantly. He opts to rest his head on Jaemin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, my phone died. Renjun and Donghyuck wouldn’t let me use their phones so I couldn’t text you.”

Jaemin didn’t know about that. “That’s something they would do.” He says and cringes at how friendly it sounded when he’s supposed to be angry. That’s how easily he lets himself on Jeno.

“You’re not angry anymore?”

“No, idiot.” Jaemin gives up. “In one condition.”

“Not a chance.” Jeno yawned and pulled away from him. He leans on the window instead, looking outside.

Jaemin snorts but he still searches for the red anemone in his backpack. He breaks the top of it, so only a small stem is left. He uses his free hand to brush Jeno’s hair on the back of his right ear and tucks the flower there.

“What the heck?” Jeno argues. But he didn’t take it off and even posed for a picture when Jaemin asked him to.

Once the bus reach their destination in their school parking lot, everyone sleepily groaned. Jeno gets up first, the flower still in his hair and Jaemin playfully squeezed his butt to get even but when he got in return was a slap on the head. Jeno wasn’t even sorry when he run out of the bus.

“Shit. That was intense. You okay?” Yangyang who sat behind them asked.

“Who are you. Who am I.”

Jaemin is bored on the weekend and when he asked where Jeno is, he’s at the mall with his mom. Lucky for him, he received a message from Jaehyun asking if he wants to hang out today. They played bowling, went to a Karaoke with only Jaehyun singing for the whole hour, and they rest at one of the bench at the pier. Jaehyun scolds him about the last time he hurt his back and rants to him about the hardship of the university and how he almost got to fight with Doyoung when he accidentally stepped on his Dior boots.

“Eh, Doyoung hyung is really...”

Jaehyun laughed. “At least your best friend doesn’t chase you out of the house when you accidentally step on their shoes.”

“Jeno wouldn’t do such a thing.” Jaemin says confidently.

“Of course! Jeno loves you.”

Jaemin wishes he could put those words in the front pocket of his uniform, close to his heart, so he can find it all the time. “What happened after that?”

“I had to slept over at Yuta’s really cramped apartment.”

“Well, at least, Yuta hyung is at your rescue. You should’ve called me, hyung. I’d let you sleep over.”

Jaehyun laughed. “That was last week, though. And you live far. Doyoung hyung bought me a keychain and guess what it is?” Jaemin looks up at him, curious. “It’s a shoe keychain to constantly remind me of what I did.”

Jaemin laughs with him. Doyoung can be really funny sometimes, if his face doesn’t emit of intimidation, and if he wasn’t all over Jeno always swatting Jaemin away. At least he has Jaehyun who stands like a real brother to him. He remembered being sad when their friends graduated and they had to leave the school for the university. He remembers asking Jaehyun a dozen times why he had to transfer to an apartment if he can just drive there every day because Jaemin is the saddest that he had to part with him. And he’s certain Jeno was, too, when Doyoung transferred.

“Where is Jeno now?” Jaehyun asked.

Jaemin thinks that no matter who it is he’s talking to, the conversation will always fall on Jeno, like it’s a rule. That’s the first thing Jaehyun asked him too when they met and he told him Jeno is at the mall with his home. “He’s home now.” Jaemin looks at his wrist watch, it’s 6:15pm and Jeno messaged him half an hour ago that they were driving home.

“Oh, should I drop you off to him?” Jaehyun would always ask, even if he didn’t have to. Like Jeno’s home is Jaemin’s. Or could be that Jaehyun, too, knows that Jeno is Jaemin’s home.

“No, hyung. It’s okay. I told mom I’m with you today.”

Jaehyun hummed and when Jaemin followed his gaze, he’s staring at couple that passed by them, hand in hand like they own the night. It must’ve felt special to hold hands with someone who feels the same with you.

“Jaeminie, when you date someone, I’m the first to know. Okay? You’re like my baby brother. That girl will have to get through me first.”

Jaemin laughs and he didn’t where he find his conviction when he says, “She doesn’t have to be a girl, right?”

Jaehyun wasn’t surprised, or disgusted. He smiles instead and reaches up to ruffle at Jaemin’s hair. “Fine, Prince Charming. I’ll be the first to know, alright?”

Though Jaehyun isn’t looking at him anymore, Jaemin smiled at him fondly. “I promise.”

The impending calamity can be seen from the dark skies in the early Thursday morning. The fog embraces the clouds along with the terrifying lightning streaks always followed by thunder bolts. The electricity is down in many cities which include theirs and his parents already left home for work before Jaemin could even finished showering. There’s a note in their fridge that says he didn’t have to go to school and to call if anything is wrong. There’s no signal too and Jaemin couldn’t reach her.

So there he finds himself drenched in rain in front of the gate of Jeno’s house. He’s been knocking, calling in and ringing the bell that’s probably went unheard because of the thunder. It’s cold and the umbrella couldn’t cover him from the pouring rain, not even the raincoat could cover for him. His body shivers from the icy air and he tries not to panic when a loud shot can be heard from the sky.

Jaemin is dizzy from the thunder sound and the impact of the rain that’s hits his skin. It was harder to breathe when fear is leaping up and down his chest. He should’ve stayed home. No one in their right mind would go outside in this weather. What if he dies here? What if he get stuck by the lightning? What if nobody found him? What if there’s a tsunami and he got taken away?

It’s why Jaemin’s heart ruptures when the gate opened and reveals a Jeno holding two umbrellas. He shouts something, maybe asking if Jaemin is crazy, but Jaemin is too overwhelmed to care and he hugged Jeno. Not caring even if he will be angry if he gets soaked by the water, too. But Jeno wasn’t angry, he knows, when he felt Jeno’s hand on his back, holding him close. Jaemin feels the guilt surges in him. What if something happened to him? How will his parents feel? How will Jeno feel?

Jeno didn’t say anything when he leads Jaemin to his room, changed his clothes and dries his hair for him.

“I’m sorry.” Jaemin says because Jeno looks so worried, and he’s just trying his best now to show it. “I’m sorry I made you worried.”

Jeno sighs out loud and pulled Jaemin to his bed. Like he’s thinking of the words to say to soothe the atmosphere. “What if...” Jeno doesn’t say. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

I know, Jaemin wants to say. He knows. He lies down on Jeno’s bed and opens his arms, Jeno understands this and comes to his embrace. Jaemin could feel Jeno’s heavy breathing in his chest and he slides his hand on Jeno’s nape, then to his hair that smells like himself.

Jaemin wakes up to the warmth of Jeno’s chest and fingers carding through the hair on his nape. All because Jeno never goes angry when Jaemin would fell asleep in the middle of the movies and he doesn’t even remember what it was, drowned into Jeno’s proximity.

It’s a mistake when Jaemin looks up as the tip of his nose bumps on Jeno’s even when it’s a closeness he shouldn’t feel startled about anymore. It makes Jaemin nervous, because Jeno hasn’t heard of personal space, and what if Jeno can see through him now and decides to stop their nameless intimacy if he finds out that Jaemin’s heart beats for him. He wonders how far and fast Jeno will run away from him if he knew, and if Jaemin has the right to chase after him. With the pair of eyes tearing holes on him, Jaemin wonders if Jeno could read his mind and he backs away, shifting to switch their position so now he has the top of Jeno’s head tucked under his chin. Jeno’s hair still smells like that citron shampoo he’s been using for ages and Jaemin breathes in his scent.

“What were you thinking right now?” Jeno asked him.

“You.” Jaemin says honestly. Although he doesn’t know how to back if up if Jeno would ask why.

Jeno didn’t ask why but he scrunched up his face and pulled away, but he wasn’t disgusted, Jaemin knows. “Stop liking me.”

Jaemin knows it’s meant to be a joke, too. He quickly grabbed Jeno’s wrist before he could leave the bed and wrestle him flat on his back. “You liked me first.” It’s all but only wishful thinking. Though his heart begins to burst with emotions when Jeno looks him in the eye. No, this can’t be. If he stares a second longer, he would know. He shouldn’t know. Jaemin closed his eyes when he felt Jeno reaches up and runs his palm on his cheek. Suddenly, he couldn’t hear anything, not the rain on the roof, not the thunder bolts, and not the beeping cars outside. He could feel everything, the cold seeping through his skin, the warmth of Jeno’s body below him. It all felt so unreal and Jaemin doesn’t want it to end. Afraid that it would once he opened his eyes.

The sound of the door creaking open surprises them both and Jaemin jumped off of Jeno really quickly. But it’s not like they were doing anything wrong, they were just...well, there’s nothing wrong about what they were doing. But he couldn’t say a word with how scandalised Seunghwan is looking at them right now, mouth agape.

“What are you two doi—playing?” Seunghwan hesitates on the first word. Like she wants them to claim that they were playing.

”Get out.” Jeno must’ve not been aware that he screamed it to his sister’s face, fiddling with the thread on the hem of his shirt. He looks just as nervous as everyone else in the room. They weren’t fighting and they weren’t playing either, Jaemin knows.

On dinner, that night, it’s like the tables have turned. The tension remained solid even when the matter happened hours ago.Jeno still looks so pissed at his sister, while she looks rather peccant. It’s like the tables have turned, Jeno is spouting to their mom how Seunghwan would always barge in his room without a knock when he never does that to her. “I’m not a baby anymore. I need privacy!” Jeno spats.

His mother raised a curious brow at this and carefully asks Seunghwan, “What happened? Did you caught him something he shouldn’t be doing.”

There’s dead air and Jaemin could only keep his facade for God knows how long. If he looks guilty now, Seunghwan would’ve look at him with more qualm. He hasn’t forget that time when she said it’s weird that Jeno and him still showers together, and her finding Jaemin on top of Jeno on the bed will only add fuel to the flame.

“You’re still a baby.” Seunghwan tells Jeno instead.

“You’re the most annoying sister in the world.” Jeno says each word with punctuation.

“You love me.”

Jeno groaned in frustration.

On a Saturday morning, Jeno is dragging a sleep deprived Jaemin in the front door of Funny Land. It’s an arcade that only opened a year ago but it’s boomed in such a short time. The view from the outside window glass are the attractive rows of claw machines with cutesy toys, delicacies such as ice cream, earphones and pocket wifis on boxes Jaemin doubts you can even win one, and some bundles of tickets and money.

They easily passed through the coin karaoke stalls painted in Avengers characters. But it’s expectedly crowded on the path of the darts, car racing, shooting ranges and basketball shooting games. Jeno’s nails digs on Jaemin wrists as he leads the way, but Jaemin didn’t complain and his questions of “What are we doing here?” falling on deaf ears due to the loud music inside the arcade hall. They stopped in the lines of the ticketing booth and allows Jeno to pull him, the latter standing on his foot as if he’s looking for somebody. Before he could ask, Jaemin’s heard of a familiar voice and when he looks, it’s Jaehyun who called from the Pacman arcade machine. Just from the back of the hair, Jaemin knows it’s Doyoung who’s playing, back turned on them.

He pulls Jeno with him this time, grabbing him by the hand as they passed by a group of kids huddled in front of a doll claw machine. “Hyung!” Jaemin called.

“Yo!” Jaehyun greets but he panicked when Doyoung lets go of the joystick and took over.

“Doyoung hyung! Jaehyun hyung!” Jeno greets.

It’s only when Doyoung looked down at their intertwined fingers that Jaemin lets go of Jeno. Wait, he’s supposed to hold him tighter, Jaemin thought but it’s too late and Jeno is already taking a seat beside Doyoung to a Sonic arcade machine this time. “Why did you come?”

Jaemin smirked, he ignores the question and walks behind Jeno’s chair. Placing a palm on Jeno’s back while he notes Doyoung’s gaze at them. “No, not that one.” He whispers dangerously close to Jeno’s ear, pointing at the screen while Jeno’s hair brushes at his chest. The characters are in Japanese and Jeno must’ve mistaken the ‘Start Game’ to ‘Option’. He perched his chin on top of Jeno’s head while he plays.

“Hey, I kept calling you and you weren’t picking up so I called Jeno.” Jaehyun says and let the kid who’s waiting on the side to play in the machine. He even starts the game for him. Jaehyun had always been nice with kids and it’s one of the reason why Jaemin is fond of him.

“I had to drag him here, hyung. He’s been sleeping all day.” Jeno answers.

Actually, he’s up the whole night playing Overwatch with Donghyuck. Now he understands what’s so addictive about it. Good times. Jeno had to carry him out of the bed and manhandles him to the shower. He hasn’t seen his phone the whole morning.

“Well, You’ve gotten 0.01cm taller than me. I need to grow.” Jaemin pouts, chin still perched on Jeno’s head.

“What’s wrong with that?” Jeno laughed.

“So you’ve decided to grow up.” Doyoung says out of nowhere.

“Actually, we’re really bored out of our wits at the dorms. There are no deadlines or exams so we called you here to play.” Jaehyun tells them.

Jaemin hummed and sees that Jeno stopped playing. He tapped him on the knees and Jeno gets up to let Jaemin take over and sits on Jaemin’s lap. “Well, this is the right place to have fun.” Jaemin says, interlacing his fingers on Jeno’s tummy where he could feel Jeno’s breathing. Poor machine already forgotten.

Jeno hummed. “But let’s eat something afterwards. It’s your treat, right, hyung?” He tells Doyoung.

“I’ll buy you ice cream.” Doyoung smiles at him. Always, always soft. “But to have fun, let’s make a bet. Whoever gets the most ticket wins. Losers will do anything the winner ask.”

That was expected. Doyoung has always been competitive and maybe he wants to punish Jaemin now. Jaemin nods, “Well, that should be easy.” He grinned at Jeno who grinned back at him. But Jeno startles when Doyoung pulled him to his lap instead. He doesn’t look as clueless to this non existent competition between Jaemin and Doyoung, his laughter says so, and it seems he’s enjoying it now.

“Hey!” Jaemin whines and was gonna pull Jeno back but Jaehyun stopped him.

“Aight, aight. Let’s do it.” Jaehyun announces and placed a hand on top of Jaemin’s head. “So let’s do a challenge. I go with Warzaid and...” he looks at Jaemin.

“Basketball!”

“Then we go with Guitar freaks and Dance Revo!” Jeno high fives with Doyoung.

They stand from their seats and makes their way to Guitar freaks since there’s no one in the booth. It startles him when Jaehyun whispers, “It’s okay. If we win, you can ask Doyoung to leave Jeno alone forever.” Jaemin snickered at this, fistbumping with him.

Jaemin battles Doyoung, while Jaehyun battles Jeno on the Guitar freaks and rivalry went on. The Dance Revo scares him even if he knows he’ll win over Doyoung. Jeno dances crazy good like his body knows how to speak his way onto Jaemin’s heart. Shit. His movements stronger than any walls of a temple.

Jeno paints Jaemin’s world like a beautiful picture.

What he didn’t expect was that how good Jaehyun is at dancing too. He’s too focused on watching Jeno dance when a kid from behind points out that the guy on the left, which is Jaehyun, is catching up with the scores. Jeno won and fights the urge to hug and lift him up for the victory when he realised they’re not on the same team. On the final match which is the Basketball shooting, it’s Jaemin vs Jeno. He’s actually confident about this. Jeno isn’t wearing his glasses today and it’s darker in the sports stalls so he might find it difficult to shoot. Jaemin won over him by five points.

The results were pretty obvious from the beginning though, and Doyoung looks like he’d kill Jaemin anytime if the younger would say something wrong. But he breathes in out loud and says, “Give us commands, alright.”

“Hmmm.” Jaehyun teases. “I want Jeno to exchange clothes with anyone in this place.”

“What?” Jaemin yaps as if the dare was for him. Is Jaehyun crazy? What indecent crap does he want Jeno to do? To think that Jaemin trusted him all his life and all then he asked of Jeno to switch clothes with a random stranger? What if that person hadn’t showered? Or worst, sick? What if Jeno—-

Jaemin was kicked out of his thoughts when Jeno chortles and says, “Hyung, that’s easy.” Then he reaches out to the hem of Jaemin’s hoodie, the back of his cold fingers that touches the skin of Jaemin’s stomach burns.

Jaemin pulled away, but not completely and Jeno’s hand is still on his top. “Hey, just know that I’m very naked underneath if you take that off.” He warns.

“Eh! This is supposed to be embarrassing for you! Not for Jaemin!” Jaehyun complains.

Jeno hisses and takes it off anyway, or maybe because Jaemin didn’t protest anymore and practically allowed him. They exchanged hoodies, but Jeno is wearing a shirt underneath his. “Too easy.” Jeno tells Jaehyun and they high fived.

“So...Jaemin...” Doyoung stutters a little and Jaemin wondered if he’s actually nervous.

Jaemin smirks at him, the most annoying smirk he could ever give Doyoung and he swore the older would murder him right there and then if it wasn’t illegal. “Hmmm.” He pretends to think although he’d thought this already before the game even starts. Or way back when he noticed Doyoung’s fondness of Jeno. “How about this... you blocked Jeno’s number so you can’t contact him. Ever.”

“Woah there, tiger.” Jaehyun says, supressing a laugh.

“Well, that’s it. See y’all later.” Jaemin waves and wrapped a hand on Jeno’s shoulder, pulling him away.

They dropped by 7 11 to snacks and drinks and passed by a neat looking barbecue grill by the sidewalk. He paid their orders, Jeno asked for two barbecue sticks and Jaemin orders himself a stick of chicken skewer. Jeno said that if Jaemin insist on going to a coffee shop to down his demonic espresso order, Jeno would rather go home and that scared the hell out of Jaemin so he opt to take him out on some snacks instead. All convenient stores are packed at this hour and it’s cold so there are barely anyone at the pier to watch the sea. They found the bench where Jaehyun and Jaemin sat the last time and starts to dig in their food.

“Doyoung hyung promised he’d buy be ice cream. I forgot because you dragged me away.” Jeno says through mouthful of food.

“This is why I got you this!” Jaemin pulled out the cup of chocolate mint ice cream in front of Jeno’s face, in case he forgets.

“Still.”

“Hey.” Jaemin frowns at him, putting his skewer down on the plastic bag. “Look, if you want another or more, I could take you to an ice cream shop after these.”

“Whatever, Jaemin.” Jeno rolled his eyes. “Now he’s blocked my number, how am I going to contact him about homeworks.”

Jaemin couldn’t promise some funny unrealistic shit like Jeno should call him about homework instead because he isn’t academically reliable like Doyoung or Renjun who knows everything. He looks at Jeno’s face to study if he’s actually pissed off when all he noticed is Jeno’s red lips because of the strawberry juice he’s drinking. Maybe he really shouldn’t have asked of that. It was supposedly a joke, even Jaemin means it because he’s jealous of the way Doyoung clings to Jeno. It’s too selfish to ask something like that and he never considered Jeno’s feeling on this. But Jaemin’s egotistic little head bribes him to say, “then you tell me. I’ll work hard—no, I’ll try my best to help. I will help you.”

There’s a short silence before Jeno says, “Reminds me of last week when you keep telling me about your insurance and investment plans. Jaemin, we’re sixteen. Why are you working so hard, Na Jaemin?”

“Well, of course. I have to work hard. You couldn’t even put your feet on something that isn’t Adidas or Nike. So, I have to be rich, you know?”

“What does that has to do with me?” Jeno says with a laugh.

All Jaemin wanted was for Jeno to read his eyes now as he looks at him. The words hidden in between the dark and his soul that can only be seen there. He wants Jeno to understand the millions ways Jeno could touch his heart by just existing. The secret love that haunts Jaemin with a silent tongue. How Jaemin wants to look at Jeno all the time. But instead, he says, “Of course, I’ll be your bestfriend till we’re 70. Too bad, you’re stuck with me.”

“Sounds like a promise.”

“It’s a promise.” Jaemin looks at him hopeful when Jeno smiled at him.

There’s an elegant party at Chenle’s house. Actually, it’s the Christening of his little nephew but of course, it’s the Zhong’s and everything is extravagant that they event asked the visitors to wear black and white as the dress code. Though Jaemin couldn’t attend the celebration because he had a doctor’s appointment in the morning, he attends the after party.

The first thing Jaemin does when he enters the living room, seeing that everyone is there including Doyoung, he darts to where Jeno is sitting on the couch while he speaks to Chenle, and bit the other side of the potato chips Jeno has in his mouth.

Not only did Doyoung looked so scandalized, but Renjun too, and maybe Chenle, or everyone else in the room, and Jaemin actually felt proud like he achieved something. Backing away when annoyed Jeno hits him on the stomach saying he took away the last chip.

“That’s—-ew!” Donghyuck groaned, doing a sign of the cross.

Jaemin laughed and whispered to Jeno, “It tastes better coming from your mout—“Jeno flicked Jaemin’s upper lip and it made a sound when it hits his front teeth. “Owww.”

After class, Jaehyun and Doyoung pick up Jaemin and Jeno from the school to play Call of Duty on a computer cafe. The others refused to go, Jisung saying his mother wouldn’t allow him to stay out late and Chenle saying he won’t go because Jisung isn’t going and he will feel bad about it. Jaemin sends him a knowing look, like a mutual understanding and Chenle squeezed his hand for a second before they wave good bye. Renjun and Donghyuck were missing in action and they later found out that the two are already canvassing for their Halloween costumes.

“I hope it’s not something embarrassing.” Jeno says through mouthful of jokkbal and coughed a little.

Jaemin grabs a glass of water so fast he wondered how Doyoung managed to be first on handing one to Jeno. It’s always this odd position whenever the four of them gather together; Jaehyun beside Jaemin and they sit across Jeno and Doyoung, with Doyoung facing Jaemin, of course. So Jaemin will keep that glorious smirk on his face for Doyoung who trying his best to keep Jeno away from him. With a scornful snort, Jaemin drinks the glass in his hand instead and he swore Jaehyun looks confuse for a second. Doesn’t matter, he still got Jeno’s number blocked.

“Well, we can trust Renjun on that.” Jaemin says. If Donghyuck is always capable of embarrassing himself, Renjun wouldn’t allow to be apart of that and them doing things together might actually even out their beings. With Donghyuck, being uncivilised and less serious most of the time, and Renjun who sees himself a noble.

“Right.” Jaehyun nods. “I trust Renjun not to do anything wild with Donghyuck.”

“I’m not looking forward to it.” Doyoung says, nonchalant.

Jaehyun laughed. “Let’s ask the others to attend again this year.” He says. The school events will always be open and welcoming to alumni.

“Hyung, I’ll be really happy to see you there.” Jaemin stresses every syllable, in case his conjecture to how Doyoung sees Jaehyun is right. Honestly, it’s a proofless assumption.

Jaehyun smiles at him meekly. “Do you mean that?”

“Of course. I mean every word I tell you.”

“You sure have a way with words for someone so young.” Doyoung chimes in, shaking his head.“ What do you want to dress up for on Halloween, tell hyung.” Doyoung amiably places an arm around Jeno knowing Jaemin is watching them intently.

“Jaemin and I haven’t—“

“Nah, I’ll help you.” Doyoung says, placing a palm on Jeno’s chest.

They’ve spent eight school Halloween with matching costumes, like the first year when they dressed up as little bats with those funny wings, a year after they dressed up as fruits with Jaemin the red apple and Jeno the green apple; or that one quite obscure Halloween when Jaemin dressed up as a rat and Jeno dressed up as a cheese, really; and the following years they dress up as random super heroes or awkward zombie costumes. Last year, Jaemin dressed up and angel and Jeno, a demon. There’s no need to stretch that they do everything together, and it’s the tip on his tongue to ask Doyoung what makes him think he’s going to change anything.

Jaemin bites the smirk in his lips at Doyoung’s attempt. He’ll win Jeno over this and dress up together as whatever they come up with on Halloween and Doyoung doesn’t stand a chance. Jeno might proposed that they wear PubG character costumes since he’s really into it nowadays.

So, yeah. In his defense, maybe Jeno just want to try something new, like be unique without a Halloween partner so he gets a higher chance to win that Sony Playstation 4 Pro, the best in costume first price. Or Jaemin really just had to accept the fact that Doyoung wins Jeno over this time, even if he doesn’t have his number, they can still chat or communicate through Jaehyun, since Jaemin and him never had luck on partner costumes all these years. A week before the party, Chenle asked what he’d wear and sulks about Jisung who didn’t discuss costumes with him, too. “We’re on the same boat, are we?” Chenle tells him. And for once, Jaemin agreed and they decide to plan for theirs. There are many costume ideas from the internet but Chenle said they’re boring and non competitive at all. If he’s deciding with Jeno, his sister Seunghwan will surely help them.

Two nights before the party, Jaemin is at Chenle’s room and his mother are peeking at them from time to time asking if she could help with anything. They talk in Chinese and Jaemin supposes he’s dismissing his mother which makes her will leave right away all the time. The next time she’s back with a box of vegetable pizza and juice drink, Jaemin turned to Chenle and told him, “Let’s ask for your mother’s suggestion.”

Chenle looks at Jaemin like he said something wrong but talks to his mother anyway. From the way he’s squinting and rolling his eyes, Jaemin doesn’t think it was a good idea after all. “She told us to dress up as vampires.” Chenle groans when his mother left. “Like whatever, there are at least 30 students who dress up as Dracula on these sorts of events.”

“Hey, it’s not so bad.” Jaemin tries and thought of something. “It doesn’t have to be Dracula with the cape, you know? How about we try something cool like contacts, less apparent fangs and some blood? Like, we don’t even need blood. Just contacts and fangs.”

Chenle looks at Jaemin for a bit and his face changes like he’s actually considering it and he says finally, “Oh. No capes and blood? Let’s find some really cool suits, then.”

Jaemin fist bumps him and they start to look up online. Once Chenle decides which, the remembered the the party is a day a way and they could’ve sworn they lose their shits. The shipping takes at least three days. “We’re doomed.”

“No, wait, hyung.” Chenle placed a hand on Jaemin’s arm. “I have an idea. My aunt has a designer botique at the night market, if we go there now she can record our sizes and we can have it made tomorrow. You up for it?”

Another fist bump and Jaemin sends his mother to let her know.

The day had finally arrived and Jaemin is rather proud of his costume. He had struggled a bit in his mom’s hold while she’s putting make up on him. The suit and pants he’s wearing atop of black dress shirt is the dark shade of maroon while Chenle wears black; he’s wearing light blue contacts, and brown green for Chenle, that they bought together at the mall yesterday. Jaemin had his hair styled up that is swept a little bit on the right side, exposing his forehead and eyebrows. He wears fake fangs that can hardly be seen unless he opens his mouth, the front of his teeth is much more apparent. He wears a lipstick, too, that’s smudged a little bit on one side to make it seemed like there’s blood forming there. Earlier before he left the house, he received a message from Jeno asking what’s he’s dressing up to be. “It’s a secret!” He replied and Jeno only answers with an angry emoji.

The wind is cold and serene in the late October, together with the grayish cloudy skies and full moon. At 6 o’clock, his father drove him to the venue at the school field that is now guarded with creepy looking woods painted to look like rusting fence. The entrance gate is guarded by two tall man in Jack Skellington and Boogeyman costume Jaemin guesses are the school guards and greeted him. When he entered, the ground if filled with crips fallen green and brown leaves made of paper. It wasn’t as dark inside as Jaemin presumed, the lights coming from tall posts decorated of deep purples and orange that corresponds to the colour of Halloween. The tables scattered across the area are mostly occupied, though it looked so promising with the normal looking food, at least they’re not made of eyeballs or gummy balls or whatever, though served with cobwebs that are probably made of cotton candies. There blinking lights, speakers and fog generators that makes it a little difficult to look over the crowd and he bowed at the group of girls who compliments him for his costume. Jaemin felt flustered, new to the attention as he gets more and more stares from students he barely or rather not know.

His heart jumped when someone hugged him from behind and it was Chenle, laughing and looking ever so handsome with his vampire costume. “I couldn’t wear the contacts. They’re irritating. You look good on them, though, Jaemin hyung.”

Jaemin laughed because it’s Chenle who looks good. “I forgot my phone at home. Glad you found me, though, where are the others?” Where is Jeno? He didn’t asked.

“I just arrived too. Jisung isn’t replyi—-“

“Looking for me?” It was Donghyuck’s voice, loud and clear even from the huge crowd and the loud music. He wears a police officer costume, and dark shades on when it’s clearly dark where they are. Jaemin wonders if Donghyuck could even see with that on.

Tagged along him, though, is Renjun. His hair is sprayed up and is sticking everywhere like he just got electrocuted. He wears a ripped lab coat right above a plaided oversized shirt and huge dark pants and a red clip-on bow tie. He’s holding a flask of what seems like a lime liquid inside, while his other hand, Jaemin just noticed is cuffed to a chain that hangs around Donghyuck’s pant’s belt loop.

“Woah—woah!” Chenle gasped. “So, you’re Rick and Morty!?”

Donghyuck looks at him, offended, like he wants to hit Chenle with that police baton he’s holding and maybe Renjun wants to pour the liquid on the flask on Chenle’s head too.

Renjun says something to Chenle in chinese, probably explaining that he’s a mad scientist that got caught by the policeman Donghyuck, which is pretty much obvious, and Chenle just kept on nodding.

“Where’s Jisung? And Jeno hyung?” Chenle asked the two of them, maybe the follow up question is for Jaemin’s sake.

“Oh.” Donghyuck laughed. “You’ll be surprised.” He turned around and waved somewhere in the tables Jaemin couldn’t make out of because of the crowd, expecting.

Jaemin wonders if Donghyuck are really calling them over or if he’s just trying to get everyone’s attention that will give him and Renjun the advantage to be voted as the best partner costume. He startled at someone who lightly taps him on the back, and he’s pulled a little to the side. When he looks, it’s Koeun, looking like a princess dressed up in Jasmine’s costume and he didn’t have to guess that Mark is wearing Aladdin’s. “Woah.” Jaemin says. “Pretty noona, what’s wrong?” He asks, worried.

“I just went to tell you that Mark said he’ll be late to the party. Wouldn’t want Donghyuck to see and make fun of me and Mark.” She says coyly.

Jaemin looks over at Donghyuck’s direction now steps away from him, he’s still screaming Jeno and Jisung’s name for his dear life. “I’ll let them know, don’t worry.” Jaemin flashes her a smile. “But are you alone, noona? Who are you with?”

“I’m with Hina.” Koeun points to a table and there’s Hina on a chair with a yellow dress Jaemin guesses is Bell and wonders who her Beast is. Hina catches them and he waves at Koeun and barely nods at Jaemin for a greeting. “I’ll see you around?”

“I’ll see you around.” Jaemin walks her to the table first before he comes back to his friends.

It’s Jeno, Jaemin can tell even in the dark. He’s wearing a white long sleeves that seems to be tightened with leather laces across his chest and stomach, and what look like cat or dog ears in his head, and he’s wearing black gloves too. Either he’s a dog or a cat, the concept doesn’t seem to fit together but he looks so good and Jaemin doesn’t care and he makes sure to flash his fangs before he walks in their circle. Maybe he only imagined it, but he swore Jeno’s stare lingers a little.

“Hey.” Jaemin greets him, smiling even further.

It wasn’t an imagination, Jaemin is sure this time because Jeno is staring. Staring at Jaemin’s face before he blinks and says, “Hi.”

It’s on the tip of his tongue and before he could say it himself... Jaemin looks to his friends and noticed that Jeno is wearing the same costume as Jisung, and they’re occupied talking with one another, or more about Renjun and Donghyuck squeezing Jisung while Chenle is begging them to stop. When he looks back, Jeno is staring at him and before Jaemin could say anything, Jeno tells him, “You look good.”

Jaemin catches his gaze, lost in Jeno’s deep dark eyes. It’s always amusing to see his reflection in there, the place where he wants to stay. He wonders if Jeno will read it, if Jaemin’s mind is an open book for him to read. “You’re cu—“

“So good. So skinny. All bones.” Jeno lifts up Jaemin’s wrists and pretends to bite it. No. He actually did bite it a little.

“H—hey!” Jaemin yelped, surprised, although he didn’t pull away. So Jeno only says that because he’s portraying his character of being a wolf, a dog, or a puppy who’s hungry for bones.

Jeno is laughing so hard, his gloved hand wiping Jaemin’s wrist. “Sorry, I got carried away.”

“You’re so cute.” Jaemin finally says it and lets himself be pulled by Jeno to wherever.

Jaemin would allow Jeno to drag him no matter where, forever.

The saddest thing about falling in love is when you can’t say it out loud, but the best thing about falling in love is Jeno. Jaemin doesn’t remember where it all started and he didn’t expect things to turn out this way eleven years ago when he was five, playing in the kid’s park with his cousins, when he runs after a crying child wearing a huge pink barrette. The whole idea was to chase after her to poke fun of her, because that’s what kids do, to make fun of her crying and that stupid barrette. Jokes on him, though, because said little girl turned out to be Lee Jeno running away from his sister who decided to dressed him in pink dress and decorated him with a bow clip because at that time, she thought Jeno would magically turn into a little sister if she does so. Though every time he reminds Jeno that, automatic angry hands will land on his lap, repeatedly until Jaemin declares he will never say that again. “But you were so cute.” He will add afterwards, and Jeno would hit him another time. Or maybe it was that bolt from the blue when Jeno introduced himself in front of the class in first grade, and he looks at Jaemin like he’d seen a ghost, terrified of the kid who made fun at him at that park when all he wanted was to find his mom. Jaemin made it a point to apologise immediately once the teacher was gone, and just like that, Jeno forgives him and beams at Jaemin with that eye smile to die for. Or it could be that one night in fifth grade when Jaemin is crying because his dog died, Jeno stayed the night with him, telling Jaemin not to cry because everyone in Heaven will take care of Muzi the way Jaemin took care of him. Could be that one New Year’s eve when he was thirteen, when Jeno holds his hands as they watch the fireworks together but Jaemin couldn’t keep his eyes off him, because he’s much more interesting and beautiful than the sky.

Jaemin had lost count of how many times he fell in love with Jeno. It’s the way Jeno fills all the missing pieces of himself, even with just his existence. And since that day Jaemin had met him, he doesn’t want to stop his heart.

The blinking lights and the huge crowd is dizzying, so after greeting and taking pictures of their other friends in school, they gathered and crowd the tables at the corners of the field where there isn’t a single speaker to blow their ears. Mark arrives later that night in his Aladdin costume, with Doyoung dressed up as Peter Pan and Taeyong as Captain Hook and tells them they’re the only two who could attend because the others are busy with upcoming exams or simply too lazy to dress up. Jaemin thinks it’s more of the latter. Thinking of and buying costumes is a real pain. Minutes later, the MC announced that they can start voting in their phones for the best Partner costume and turns out, only Donghyuck and Renjun are the candidates among them and they couldn’t be happier. It’s when Jaemin felt bad that he left his phone at home and he couldn’t vote.

“Don’t feel bad. They’ll win in for sure.” Jeno tells him, as if he reads his mind.

And it isn’t ten minutes later after the announcement that Donghyuck and Renjun, along with Chenle are hugging and screaming for their life when the MC announced them as winners. And altogether they danced to the loud music, they hugged, the screamed, they poked fun of one another and Jaemin finds himself limbless at the fun and exhaustion. It’s like being drunk and wasted, except there’s no alcohol involved. Jaemin loves his friends.

Slow music starts to play when there’s a surprise award for the best couple costume, and of course, it had to be Koeun and Mark. Koeun is from the Taekwondo team, while Mark is popular with the lower years for being, well, Mark, and their award was something sort of a ritual that’s similar to that of a marriage. “Cringey.” Jeno whispers to Jaemin.

“Hey, they’re cute. Don’t be bitter.” Jaemin laughs at Jeno’s overt reaction. When he looks around, everyone is dancing to the slow music, and mostly it’s a guy and girl, dancing romantically. Except, of course, his crazy friends because Donghyuck picked up Chenle and Jisung and they’re dancing to what seemed like a rumba, out of music, yet they’re still cute. He didn’t point it out when he saw Renjun taking a girl’s hand and seconds later, they’re dancing. Maybe it’s the girl Renjun liked that his friends are talking about. He just hopes Donghyuck wouldn’t find them.

“Ah, I feel so single.” Taeyong groaned and his looking at Renjun’s direction, and they all watch Mark and Koeun climbing down the stage and dances too.

“If you ask one of these little ladies to dance with you, I’m calling the cops.” Doyoung tells him and Taeyong pouts and still stood up.

What Jaemin didn’t expect where the girls passing by and smiling at them, and maybe they want to dance with him or with Jeno, so Jaemin turned to Jeno to ask instead, “Come dance with me.”

It goes unheard because Jeno was on his phone awhile back and he looks at Jaemin, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“Come dance with—-“

“Go dance with Jaemin, Jeno.” Doyoung says, like it’s a revelation. Like it’s a commandment.

Jaemin wouldn’t faze him, and when he looks at Doyoung’s direction, he squints at him a little and gave him a wink, making the older to roll his eyes. And just like that, Jeno takes his hand.

Dancing is foreign to Jaemin, unlike Jeno who’s secretly good at it, but he didn’t care and placed two hands on Jeno’s back. Jeno didn’t seem to like this, and hits Jaemin on both arms though he lets them rest there. It’s an awkward position and it seems Jeno wouldn’t dance with Jaemin if Doyoung didn’t tells him to. But now, this is perfect, and Jaemin wouldn’t miss his chance to dance with Jeno with Ed Sheeran’s Perfect playing in the back ground. They danced like that, so close to each other with Jaemin awkwardly moving his feet with Jeno, and it takes a moment before Jeno looks up at him.

“This is embarrassing.... we’re both dudes...” Jeno says and his hands on Jaemin’s arms loosens.

It hits a nerve and Jaemin was about to pull away before Jeno tugged him back, hands around his neck and they’re much closer. “What if I kiss you? Could we have won the couple award instead?”

Jaemin’s breath hitches, even when he knows that glint on Jeno’s eyes implies that he’s only joking. The award for the couple was after all, fifty-thousand won. And he doesn’t know whether it was a happy feeling, or pain that starts to tingles in his chest. Before Jaemin could fully understand what it was, Jeno slides his arms on Jaemin’s back and pulls him closer, and he rests his head on Jaemin’s shoulder as they sway to the music. Jaemin wonders if Jeno loves him too.

“Hey, you’re heavy.” Jaemin tells him once he’s sure he’s flustered face can be seen if it wasn’t for the confusing lights of the party. Once the feelings were too much for him.

“Are there times, when you wonder who loves you, Jaemin?”

To hold on to something that isn’t there is nothing like trying to cross a busy street without a pedestrian lane, but more of like catching a rain with your bare palms. Or digging a grave to find a body until you’re ten feet deep only to find out that you’ve buried yourself. He’s too young to be a victim of that four-letter words. Too naive to be inflicted of emotional suffering that’s been pinching on his chest non-stop. And too young to let go and surrender.

Jaemin thinks he’s sick. And apparently, all these video games couldn’t heal him. It seems like none of his favourite could help him forget that he’s sick, either. Guess he’d only finish being sick once he’s sick of it.

It started the day after the Halloween party. Jaemin is in his room, fixing the coat he wears last night that was hanged on the wall. He remembers the party, the award Donghyuck and Renjun won that they couldn’t stop talking about the gc last night Jisung had to kick them both, Jeno’s attempt at the wolf costume, the taste of Jeno’s neck when he playfully bit him there that he panicked when a bit of Jaemin’s lipstick stained on his collar, Jeno’s eyes when he asks if Jaemin wonders who loves him. Maybe that was it. Maybe they didn’t need words and he’s been pointless at trying to hide his secret that Jeno knew all along.

He jumps when the door in his room flies open and it wasn’t Jeno. His smile dissipates, not because it’s Renjun who appeared, but because it looks like he’s up to something Jaemin wouldn’t be able to put his hands on.

“Hey, Jaemin. Is he.. you know... off limits? I mean Jeno. There’s someone in my class who likes him.”

Jaemin looks at him impossibly, and he sports a face that doesn’t look like Renjun had betrayed him. He doesn’t understand why Renjun would ask it in the first place. Somewhere deep in Jaemin’s soul, he already claimed Jeno as his, and Renjun might’ve have seen into that part of Jaemin too. Has seen through the way he looks at Jeno which he knows is a give away because that’s all he wants to do for the rest of his life; to look at Jeno. And he hates how his eyes reflects against Renjun’s own, as if he was begging him to stop asking Jaemin this question, because it hurts.

“He doesn’t have a girlfriend, right? Or a girl he likes? So, it’s okay, right?”

With every question, it was harder to mask what’s weighing down on his shoulders. Because it was reality, because one day, Jeno will like somebody else that isn’t Jaemin. He will love somebody else and that won’t be Jaemin. And that somebody else will love Jeno, too, but not as much as Jaemin loves him. It hurts, because Renjun is asking him this like he didn’t know that Jaemin is hurting.

Once Donghyuck points out that despite being impish and volatile, the easiest way to know if Jaemin is really angry or pissed is that when he goes silent. It happened on one Christmas Party in their class when a group of their classmates forced Jaemin to wear that bunny suit that looks terribly embarrassing, which he received from the exchange gift with a letter saying that he looked like a bunny. He finds no problem of being told that he looks like one, but the outfit was outrageous and humiliating, and he couldn’t object because everyone expects him to do so. Then they take turns in taking pictures with him and once the bunny fad was over, Jaemin didn’t talk the whole party and gives everyone a cold shoulder. Even Jeno who only laughed and didn’t fend for him that time. Donghyuck tells him he should speak if he didn’t want something or that if he feels like something or someone is being unfair, instead of being quiet, so the people around him will know how to act around him. Renjun leaves without Jaemin saying a word that day.

In liberal logic, you cannot claim anything or anyone that you do not own. So when Jeno starts to hang out more with Renjun, sometimes missing their game plans and with Jaemin often walking home alone, Jaemin didn’t insist to change that. Above all, Jeno isn’t his, and Jeno can hang out with anyone he wants to even if it’s Renjun or that girl he mentioned who likes Jeno. Jaemin can’t keep him away from anything, at all, and it was awful that he once ordered for Doyoung to block his number so he couldn’t contact Jeno even if he knows they are good friends. Just like Jaemin is to Jeno.

He’s not supposed to say anything even when his stomach starts to twist and turn at the sight of Jeno holding a girl’s hand, because that will make Jeno feel bad. He’s not supposed to demand of the secrets Jeno doesn’t tell him anymore, because he’s in no place to do that. Jeno doesn’t owe him anything. He isn’t obliged to make everything convenient for him, even if Jaemin’s body starts to numb with all the riddles frolicking in his chest. It’s all the same with Jeno doesn’t need to get a haircut just because Jaemin thinks he’s hair had gotten longer.

Apparently, the act of pretending comes easy if you subdue it well that it’s almost reality. Once, Mark thought it was odd to see Jaemin alone at the bus on his way home when Mark said he’d seen Jeno at the field having a picnic with Renjun and a girl in his class. Jaemin sends him an unfazed reaction and that was enough for Mark to sit beside him and they start talking about the English homework Jaemin’s having trouble about since last week. Then there’s Donghyuck who laughs and told him it was hilarious that Jeno, a nerd, and Renjun, a reprobate nerd, once skipped classes the whole day without any of them knowing their whereabouts. Or when Jisung was thankful one day that he didn’t get to confused Jaemin with Jeno for once. Poor guy must’ve had a really bad eyesight or that his nose is really outrageous because he always say that the two smells the same and reminds himself to tell his mother not to use the same fabric conditioner for his clothes, or simply because his ability to make judgment is next to nothing, like Chenle always says.

The word, “Nothing” easily comes out of his mouth whenever anyone would ask what’s wrong or what happened between him and Jeno. Clinically, it was a fact. It just so happens that things are meant to change bits by bits even if you die a little, even if you pray to God it won’t. They never fight of course, they don’t fight. They didn’t argue either because Jaemin always let him win. Other than that, he can’t tell anyone that the growing distance on the strings that binds them together is because Jaemin is jealous because he’s in love with Jeno, even if Donghyuck has him on the collar right now and shoving him to the door.

Jisung and Chenle’s fussy antics usually doesn’t help anything, because they’re basically just loud and earful. But now it does because they jumped at Donghyuck and tackled him down the gym floor for actually bullying their favorite hyung, Jaemin. Or so he thinks. And Jaemin runs for his life before Donghyuck could even escape.

It must’ve been a very unthought of move to sprint to Jaehyun’s apartment without giving him a notice. He should’ve considered that if Jaehyun wasn’t there, then he’ll be faced by his miserable nemesis, Doyoung. The first thing Doyoung tells him when he opened the door is, “You look pitiful.” Jaemin would point out how he’s starting to sound like Donghyuck but he knows better than that.

“Is Jaehyun hyung—“

“Nah. He just left to gather with the kids. And I was wondering why you weren’t—“

Jaemin smiles at him and pushes through the door. He makes his way to the couch, and lies comfortably on the back rest and lifts his feet up the small table, shoulders heavy and head empty. Donghyuck is out there with everyone doing a live video of their petty competition at the arcade which he claimed to have 37.5% viewers.

Doyoung stares at Jaemin for what seemed like a second on two, and just like that, he divulges that, “You’re in love with Jeno. I can tell. Every one can tell.”

“I’m still young. Feelings change.” Jaemin says with a shrug, as nonchalant as it could gets.

“Jaemin, stop acting like you got everything under control. Because you don’t. And you are hurting. But that confidence of yours is eating you up and it’s obvious that you don’t know what to do about it.” Doyoung didn’t stutter when he says this.

Jaemin’s ego is bare minimun compared to his logic, that much he knows and when he looks up, Doyoung’s face doesn’t look as mean as it always does whenever he looks at Jaemin. “Fine, you got me.” He declares, still with that bragging voice he’s beginning to hate.

“I see.” Doyoung didn’t feign surprise at all. “But you need to give yourself some love, too. Because you need it.”

“I’m not going to love one person for the rest of my life, right?”

“Then, that’s something you have to tell yourself.”

“Hyung,” Jaemin starts when he felt he’d calm a little and wanted to let it all out when it’s too much. “I hate Renjun and I’m quite angry at myself for it. If it wasn’t for him...” Jaemin bits his lower lip, hesitant now.

“I know. Donghyuck told me he’s hanging out with Renjun and a girl from his class..” Doyoung takes a seat on the couch from across him.

There’s a strong regard, that’s why there is jealousy,Jaemin had to admit. “She’s in his class. That, and, well, he knows.... Renjun knew it too. I can’t be wrong about this. I mean, I know he’d sense it long time ago. So I don’t know why he had to do that... why he had to be the one to cast me out of Jeno’s life.”

“Jeno wouldn’t cast you our of his life.” Doyoung says it like he knew. But he doesn’t. “I don’t think he’s that clueless of how you feel.”

“Really? Is that a bad thing?” Jaemin asked, even when he doesn’t know if they’re talking about the same thing. Whether is it a bad thing that Jeno knows how neglected Jaemin feels now that he’s hanging out with Renjun more, or whether Jeno knew the way Jaemin sees him all this time.

“Have you ever talked to Renjun?”

Jaemin shakes his head. “Don’t see why I should.” He says. When in reality, before all these circumstances, he’d avoided Renjun in fear of the other if he ever tries to poke in Jaemin’s dilemma. But maybe Renjun wasn’t certain about it too, that’s why he did that.

Doyoung nods. “Think you can solve things with your chin up?”

“I’ve never wronged anyone.”

“So, how come you always win Jeno over me and not from Renjun?”

“Is that a challenge?”

“You bet.”

After his conversation with Doyoung, Jaemin hadn’t seen a reason why he should open up to anyone anymore. He trusts his friends, but it would only cause discomfort if more of them will know of his growing feelings for Jeno, and his feeling of aversion towards Renjun that more or less will be visible anytime soon. It’s harder to smile around them anymore. If it wasn’t for Chenle trying to divert conversations whenever Jaemin becomes the subject of Donghyuck’s mockery before he could even dig into something sensitive that includes Jeno.

It’s not that Jeno and him miraculously stopped talking. They don’t. Jeno still comes to his house and they would play or watch movies or eat. It’s just that, Jeno walks home with Renjun after class and they often laugh or joke about something Jaemin never knew about, when Jaemin is supposed to be the first person Jeno will whisper it to if he finds something funny or uncomfortable.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Chenle asked.

Honestly, he isn’t. The last place Jaemin wants to be is here. Right in front of the sea in his very sad hammock and umbrella, watching Renjun and Jeno play in the water. If only him not coming here wouldn’t add fuels to the flames of Donghyuck’s accusations that his friendship with Jeno is falling apart and Renjun is taking over his place. Honestly, maybe he’s right, but Jaemin wouldn’t just admit that. Chenle’s mother bestowed them this weekend break at her family friend’s villa nearby the beach for being good friends for her son. When honestly, Jaemin is certain this is for Chenle to make the most of his days with his friends before he flew back to China and never be seen again.

Everyone looks excited, even Jisung who’s laughing so hard despite looking like he’s about to cry any time soon. Mark is trying not to cry too, but it’s because Donghyuck kept scolding him about the burnt prawn barbecue he grilled and forced the older to eat it despite the nasty taste. Mrs. Zhong, Chenle’s mom, is by the shore watching Chenle and Jisung play in the water and maybe asking them to collect seashells for her. Jaemin isn’t aware of when did he become so accustomed into lying to Jeno. Maybe it started off as a spark, the time Jaemin starts to feel something more towards him, and he knew he had to hide it. He told Jeno his back hurts and couldn’t play with them just to test the waters, because if things were how they used to be, he’d stay by the hammock Jaemin setup beside his. He wouldn’t be running in the waves with his bare torso, splashing and pushing Renjun down the water like that.

Jaemin puts his sunglasses on just so maybe things would hurt less if it were darker. But it doesn’t. So he closed his eyes, an maybe it isn’t so bad to fall in love with Jeno even if he doesn’t feel the same. He’d made Jaemin happy every single day and no one can take that memories from him, even when it starts to hurt. Jaemin can still remember clearly all the times they had to share; the laughters, the tears, the victories and the defeats. Jeno can stay even if will hurt Jaemin more.

Jaemin startles when he felt cold and damp palms pushes between his legs and his glasses falls on the ground. It was Jeno, who sits between his legs with his back facing him. He hands Jaemin a bottle of what seemed like a sunscreen. “Put this on for me.” He says.

Jaemin nods stupidly because Jeno wouldn’t see that. He doesn’t understand why it hits different, from how nervous he is squeezing the lotion on his palms and how carefully he presses his fingers on Jeno’s shoulder down to his back. When he felt Jeno shivers under his finger tips, Jaemin retracts his hands quick and holds them up in defense when Jeno looks at him over his shoulders. When it’s clear that Jeno is just waiting for him to initiate that it’s done and he can leave, Jeno says, with half lidded eyes, “Don’t stop.” and it sounded so wrong. It feels like a mistake on Jaemin’s side when he does as Jeno says, scraping his fingers on Jeno’ spine downwards and soothes his skin on his side to where his ribs starts, tracing his bones there. Then maybe, Jeno wants this too, when he placed his hand on top of Jaemin’s and bring it up to his chest, to the dip of his collar bones, to the lines of his ribs, with only a very liberal amount of sunscreen now.

Jeno’s skin is smooth and white the way Jaemin remembers it, and he shudders with the lightest of touch. Jaemin could feel the way Jeno’s muscle tightened when he brought their hands down to his stomach, tracing his refined abs that’s always been there. He doesn’t know how it happened but Jeno seemed to shift closer, his bareback now flat on Jaemin’s chest and Jaemin can smell the sweat and sunscreen on his nape. Too hot, too intimate, too much to take and Jaemin decides to cease the moment when he whispered to Jeno, “You’ve gained weig—“

Jeno slapped him hard on the leg and he gets up, glaring his eyes at Jaemin before he runs back to the shore where Renjun is helping Chenle and Jisung to build a sand castle.

Before anyone could notice how fucked up Jeno had him right now, Jaemin sprints to the restroom, thinking about Jeno’s skin.

Jaemin doesn’t know what to say once they gathered on their set up table for dinner. It’s just them, since Mrs. Chong is inside her room now taking a rest and reminded them not to go to the water anymore. Donghyuck asked him what’s wrong and why he’s so red. Renjun answered that it may be sunburn to which Jeno agrees and says Jaemin’s skin is sensitive so he gets sunburned easily. He didn’t notice Jisung was trying to feed him a grilled hotdog and the younger sulks and feed it to Jeno instead. He choked in his drink when Donghyuck tells Jisung that Jaemin wants Jeno’s hotdog only. It’s the type of jokes nobody would laugh because either they didn’t get it or it’s just not too funny. Jaemin is glad nobody laughed the way his libido kicked into overdrive.

Even Mark who just wants what’s best for everyone insisted that it’s too early to sleep and they have to make the most of this trip that should end tomorrow at noon. They wouldn’t even have the chance to go to the water again because the sun is high up in the after noon. On Monday, the next day, they’ll be back to school again. So Mark agreed when Donghyuck proposed that they should play a game. Too new, too unique, the amazing spin the bottle, around the bonfire Renjun built awhile back. He sets the rules: everyone writes a question or a dare they will put inside the bottle and anyone who gets chosen will pick one and answer the question or do the dare, then they have each chance to hand over the same question or dare to anyone just to make it fun. “Nothing nasty.” He says. But for Christ’s sake, everyone knows it’s just a game at Donghyuck’s advantage, and maybe Renjun too since it’s obvious that they plot this together.

“So we’re going to play a game that’s only convenient for you.” Jaemin said as he sat down cross legged on the ground. It might’ve sounded too mean because Donghyuck is squinting at him from across, the bonfire in the middle making him look more intense that it’s actually scary.

“You wouldn’t like it when I’m angry, Na Jaemin.”

Jaemin pretends to zip his mouth. He’s in trouble now. He received a pat on the back from Chenle and an encouraging palm is place on his knee by Jisung. “You’ll be alright.” He whispers. Jaemin nods and tries not to look at Jeno who’s whispering with Renjun.

The first spin stops at Chenle, the way Donghyuck exactly planned it, obviously. When Chenle picked a paper inside the bottle, Donghyuck grabbed it and reads it aloud, “Lick the underarm of the two people sitting beside you or give Donghyuck 5,000 won.” Chenle gasped, and Jaemin too, although he doubts Chenle would actually do it but the thought of it is still damn nasty. He sits beside Chenle. It’s certainly Donghyuck’s dare.

“Hyung! That’s disgusting!” Chenle scowls.

“Look, you either do it or not. Imagine if you don’t comply. We will end this game and everyone will know you as a killjoy, Pennywise.” Donghyuck challenged.

Chenle scowls another time but reaches up for his pocket and threw money at him at him and the older laughs like maniac collecting the money on the sand. He slaps Renjun’s hand away when the latter tried to steal.

“Good sport!” Donghyuck says and gave the bottle to Chenle.

It stopped at Mark and it’s another dare. So now he’s sitting there, holding himself, only in his boxer and it’s obvious how much he regrets even agreeing to this. Jaemin wonders who else would write such an obnoxious dare other than Donghyuck and he starts to wonder if Donghyuck lied to them about where he actually put the questions he asked every one to write beforehand because they’re obviously not in the bottle they’re playing with now. The third spin stopped at Chenle again and the questions says, “If you were gay, who would you date among us?” he reads aloud. That’s when Jaemin remembers about what Chenle told him some time ago. When Chenle admits about liking Jisung, he can’t see it at all. He wonders if Chenle only said that bait Jaemin into admitting that he likes Jeno. Shit, no. “Jisung.” Chenle answers and everyone cheered. Even Jisung looks proud of himself and high fived Chenle.

“Throw the question back at me, come on.” Donghyuck challenged. “You’d be surprised the answer isn’t Mark.”

“Eh?” Mark reacts at the mention of his name although he doesn’t look offended that Donghyuck wouldn’t date him if neither of them was gay.

“Right. So who’s it?” Renjun raised a brow.

“Jeno.” Donghyuck says, nonchalant.

The answer shouldn’t weigh him at all. But it’s the way Chenle and Renjun’s stare linger at him for a moment, not Jeno himself, or Donghyuck who started the weird confession, and they look at Jaemin like they’re trying to squeeze something out of him. And maybe that’s Donghyuck’s intention too, because he’s smiling at Jaemin now.

“Well, I won’t date you!” Jeno says laughing.

Donghyuck pouts. “Who will you date, then?”

“Anyone but you!”

“Alright, Na Jaemin. Na Jaemin.” It startles Jaemin and he looks at Donghyuck who called him and it’s certainly intentional. “Ehem. Now I’ll give you the chance to spin the bottle.”

Jaemin couldn’t answer and he’s frozen. All eyes on him. And he only cut out of his trance when Jisung slaps at his thighs and give the bottle to him. Like some twisted fate playing on Jaemin right now, the bottle stopped at Renjun.

“Kiss someone you’d date if you...oh god, not this again.” Renjun groaned.

“What does it say?” Mark asked.

“If you were gay.” Renjun quickly pecks Mark on the cheek who startles but laugh. “Now that’s settled. I’ll pass this one to Jaemin.”

Jaemin opened his mouth to say he doesn’t know which, to object? To cuss? But now that’s everyone is looking at him with expectant eyes and maybe it’s the weight of Renjun’s provocative eyes that Jaemin thinks he really needed to do something. Without much thought, he pecked Jisung on top of his head.

“Hyung!” Jisung screams, pushing him away and they all laughed.

“You do this one too.” Jaemin tells Jisung. Just so the attention is on him now.

“No.” Jisung says.

“Hey, Park Jisung!” Donghyuck scolds.

“No.” Jisung shakes his head. His childish demeanour he wouldn’t admit to.

“Then we’ll end this now.” Donghyuck stands up, dusting off the back of his shorts.

“No, I just... fine.” Jisung sighed. He pushed Jaemin so he could get up and reached for Chenle’s hand, kissing the back of it.

Donghyuck cheered although he belched afterwards. “Our cutie Jisungie. Our aegyo prince.”

“If it’s aegyo, then it’s Jeno hyung!” Jisung objects. “Wait, then Jeno hyung should do this too!”

“Me!?” Jeno’s eyes that’s always been small grew big.

“Yes, you.”

“Geez!”

Jaemin isn’t entirely sure why he had to close his eyes. Maybe because it’s the way Jeno smiled at him, and when he crawls towards Jaemin inching closer and closer. Maybe it will always come down to it, whatever happens between them. Jaemin will always find Jeno, the same way Jeno will always find him. It’s too much, when he felt cold and palms rusty with sand reached up to his face and Jaemin’s ribcage starts a turmoil when he felt Jeno’s breathing on his forehead. The breathing disappears in an instant, and the hand travels down to his neck before a soft pair of lips touched his collarbone. He held back the sound about to come out at the back of his throat, and just like Jaemin’s heart, there’s a eruption of loud noise from what could be laughters of cheers.

The next time Jaemin opened his eyes, everybody is already getting up and Donghyuck announced, “Okay, now that everybody got what they want tonight. Let’s go to sleep.” He slapped Jeno’s butt and he does it Naruto style when Jeno runs after him.

“Let’s go, hyung.” Chenle placed a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder and it burns. Jaemin feels sensitive all over.

The initial plan of sleeping on the tents by the shore was cancelled due to the harsh blowing of the wind at night so now they’re all sprawled out on the villa’s spacious living room with all the cushions and sleeping mattress. Jaemin couldn’t sleep with the lights on, most specially with Jeno’s arm wrapped across his chest and his face buried on the crook of Jaemin’s neck. He wonders how can Jeno even sleep with the sound of Jaemin’s heart about to beat right out of his chest. He carefully lifts Jeno’s arm draped around him and gets up to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. But when he enters, Renjun was there in the counter, with a glass in hand. They stare at each other for a moment and Jaemin wonders if it’s best to just go back to sleep and pretends he’s sleepwalking the next day if Renjun asked him. Not that they talk much anymore but still.

“Jaemin, sit here.” Renjun says and taps at the chair next to him. Already pouring a glass from the coffee maker that he offered to Jaemin.

Jaemin complied though avoiding his gaze and sips at the coffee. It’s sweet and he doesn’t like it but he wouldn’t say it.

“Jaemin, I hurt you, didn’t I?”

The question sends a shiver down his spine. He’d always known Renjun isn’t someone to beat around the bush, that’s why Jaemin avoided him . From the day he noticed Renjun already figured him out, and moreover on the day when he asked Jaemin if Jeno was off limits so he could introduce him to a girl despite knowing Jaemin’s feelings for him. Lies doesn’t work on Renjun because he reads people the way he reads his physics books. Perhaps he would ask Jaemin questions, the ones he doesn’t want to answer, or the ones he doesn’t know the answer to, like right now. Jaemin knows Renjun had read of his intentions long time ago, so he doesn’t know why he’s nervous now.

“I asked for Jeno’s help. I really liked Yizhuo. But she likes Jeno, so I thought I could—“

“Use him.” Jaemin finished for him. Although he’s still in the process of comprehending what Renjun is trying to say. When he looks up, Renjun resembles that of lonely deers caught in the head lights and he knows he’s right.

“No—-yes—-no.” Renjun stutters which is rare for him. “I told Jeno everything. About how I liked her and how she likes him. He said he’d plan on something to get us closer.”

“Jeno is stupid, you know.” Jaemin breaths the smell of coffee that hugs his lungs like cage.

“It didn’t work. She ended up liking someone else.” Renjun says, laughing to himself.

Jaemin nods. He wonders if Renjun is telling him this to let him know, or to apologise. For it wasn’t healthy to get all strung up with jealousy that he forgets what it’s like to not be. So Jeno doesn’t like her? He wants to ask. But what if Renjun says he does and Jaemin just crashes and burns in front of him right now.

“You know, there’s not much difference if you say it now or tomorrow or the next day.” Renjun starts and Jaemin fights the urge to ask what it was he’s trying to say. “The only difference that can make is if they feel the same way. And how long can the person wait for you. What do you think, Jaemin?”

Jaemin can’t think right now. Renjun always gives off a vibe like he knows all of Jaemin’s deepest secrets. So he holds his breath, only to realize that he’ll choke if he doesn’t say anything.

“You’re really bad at conversations that doesn’t include flirting or teasing, aren’t you?” Renjun says, shaking his head. “And you’re the worst at conversations that includes Jeno.”

Jaemin doesn’t realize this coward version of himself. Perhaps, Renjun is right. Even if he could outright deny Renjun’s resolve, it will only make Jaemin look more of a fool in his eyes. It’s an unavoidable situation to be trapped in Renjun’s bait, but he knew he didn’t have to admit to anything either.

“Jeno Jeno Jeno.” Renjun singsongs with a chuckle.

“Can you stop it?” Jaemin says and heard his own voice breaks.

“Fine. Only because you sound so hurt.” Renjun laughed, placing a hand on Jaemin’s back. “Hey, what do you think about Chenle and Jisung?”

Jaemin looks at Renjun, startled. Is he out there trying to read everyone? Jaemin guesses it’s the reason why Renjun doesn’t work with girls. Because he always try to put to words whatever it is, especially when it’s not necessary. “What about them?”

Renjun shrugs. “Nothing. I just feel like I need to get you to say something because I feel stupid talking alone.”

“Hey, hey. Stop bullying Jaemin.” Donghyuck’s sudden voice boomed from the door way and he hisses at Renjun. Like what cat’s do when they’re angry at other cats. He sat across them and take Jaemin’s coffee. “I’ll let you go but... tell me a secret first.”

“Remember the pen Mark brought you from Cana—“ Before Jaemin could even finish, Donghyuck grabbed a bread knife from the table and pointing it at Jaemin. Oh shit. Jaemin musters all his strength to run for his dear life. Now that he mentioned it, he doubts Donghyuck will let him live starting the night. The sand feels cold in his feet and it’s dark, catching his breath at Donghyuck who’s running after him. It wasn’t entirely his fault, he wants to say. Hell he hasn’t even say it yet. Last year, Mark brought a Michael Jackson collection pen from Canada that he gave Donghyuck for his birthday. Donghyuck takes care of it like a baby and he doesn’t even use it, afraid that it will run out of ink if he does. So one time, when Jaemin walked in their classroom after lunch break, he saw the pen lying on the floor and was about the pick it up but he accidentally kicked it with the point of his black shoes and it flee over the floor. He tried to look, really, but he couldn’t find it and was about to mention it to Donghyuck who entered the room with Renjun when he suddenly screamed and saw his pen on the corner of the room that looks like it’s been stepped on to and swept on the side. He was furious. He kept screaming. And Jaemin decided to keep it to himself until now. He wouldn’t want to be the receiving end of Donghyuck’s fury.

Jaemin doesn’t know how long or how far he run away but Donghyuck is still behind him, screaming, “Na Jaemin” And it’s hard to breathe now. He figured it’s stupid to fight like this because it’s not like Donghyuck is going to stab him with a knife so he stopped, panting hard, yet when Donghyuck was three steps away and still pointing the knife, Jaemin runs for his dear life again.

The next morning, Jeno ask Jaemin why he’d change clothes. He did told him about Donghyuck toppling over him in the sand and pulling at his hair.

Sometimes Jaemin doesn’t understand Jeno more than he doesn’t understand himself. Jeno’s mother invited Jaemin over and hands them a box of donut that they eat in Jeno’s room while they watch a movie. The movie Spiderwick Chronicles is Jeno’s favorite and they’d watch it a dozen times that Jaemin sometimes wonder if became his favorite movie too. They eat in silence, and in the middle of the movie, Jeno yelped and show his finger to Jaemin that is covered with sugar powder. Jaemin raised a brow at him, and he was about to tell Jeno to wipe it somewhere or just lick it off when Jeno tells him, “Lick this off, Jaem.”

And just like that, Jeno pushed his index finger to Jaemin’s slightly agape mouth because he’s hadn’t finish chewing the last bite just now. The intrusion didn’t feel so unwelcome, and Jeno’s finger tastes sweet as his fingernail scrape along Jaemin’s tongue. Jaemin did as he’s told and grabs at Jeno’s wrist to he can angle the finger in his mouth while he sucks it off. When he looks back up, he finds Jeno staring back at him with the same half lidded eyes the same way when he asked for Jaemin to put the sunscreen in his back at villa. Jeno crooked his finger into Jaemin’s mouth and pushed it deeper, hitting Jaemin’s teeth in the process while he licks. He pulls away immediately Jeno’s finger doesn’t taste like sugar anymore, or when he actually realised what he’s doing. What they’re doing. And Jaemin swore he’d never fucked up in his life more than this. It’s insane, the things Jeno makes him do.

Jeno looks pleased, though, when he raised his hand up and Jaemin choked at the glisten his index finger made when the light from the ceiling hits it, knowing it’s his doing. “Thank you.” Jeno says.

Jaemin doesn’t seem to have an answer to that. There’s a battle inside him and he wonders what would come out of it if he lets his heart win over his head this time. Will I ever have you? Jaemin says in his head as he watches the way Jeno shifts to lay his head on Jaemin’s lap. You’ve always had me, you know. With shaky hands, he reaches up for Jeno’s dark hair. It’s always been soft the way he remembers it and he doesn’t have to lean down to know that it smells good like his favorite shampoo. He moves his fingers to Jeno’s temple, rubbing comforting circles to his cheeks and to the back of his ears where he felt Jeno shivered but didn’t protest. He’s always been surreal, the way his skin has no flaws and his body lean even when he doesn’t do anything about it. Jaemin wants more when his hands travel on Jeno’s shoulder down to his arm. He tapped Jeno’s hip, willing him to move. Jeno looks over him on his shoulder but he didn’t say anything and just do as Jaemin asked him to. Now he sits between Jaemin’s legs, his back firm on Jaemin’s chest.

Jaemin runs his thumbs down on the back of Jeno’s ear to the center of his spine. He could feel Jeno tense and then relaxed when he pushes his hand back up to his shoulder. Jaemin leans in to peck at his nape and he felt Jeno flinched and placed both hands on his knees.

It’s one of the moments where they don’t say anything and just feel each other. Each touch speaks of that promise that don’t need words. Jaemin wonders if Jeno craves this touches as much as he does, and if he loves it the way Jaemin does as he nuzzles his face on Jeno’s neck, one of his hand playing on the hem on Jeno’s shirt and the other wrapped around his chest. But most of all, Jaemin wonders how much they could allow themselves with the intimacy until someone breaks.

Some people, mostly their friends, will caught them like this and point it out but Jeno doesn’t budge the way Jaemin would. Because he’d learn through times that the words doesn’t affect Jeno as much as it affects him. Maybe because, after all, it’s just Jaemin who had feelings for him. To Jeno, everything they do, the touches, is only because they are bestfriends and that’s how comfortable they’ve become around each other. That’s all there is to it.

It’s the last time Jaemin will put words into others mouth, he promised himself.

On New Years eve, the sky is fogged up in white smoke after the midnight of successive fireworks that they watched in astonishment. Although occasionally, there will be one or two fireworks display that will erupt like crashing of colours across the horizon. It’s beautiful that despite the hardness of the roof on their butt still unpleasant, they still stayed above the roof of Jeno’s house. While their parents and Jeno’s sister are probably watching the fireworks from the balcony with glasses of wine in hands. It’s almost sarcastic the way they tossed their banana milk when the midnight arrived not longer than ten minutes ago.

Jaemin’s heartbeat accelerated when he looks at Jeno who’s staring up at the sky with that smile in his face that never fails to do things to Jaemin’s chest. Jaemin finds himself always looking at Jeno despite all the pretty colors presented in the sky. Jeno is the color of red, too powerful, that exudes that of an illusion of all of Jaemin’s dreams bestowed in one person. When Jeno looks at him and smile, Jaemin feels like a he fell in love deeper.

Jeno is like that ofaq the bright stars in the sky, too beautiful, but unable to reach. Even if Jeno is just an arm reach away, he will never reach to his heart. Even if it hurts, Jaemin wouldn’t stop being thankful for love for it withhold all the smiles and memories he shared with Jeno that will never disappear. It’s the love that gives him a chance for their hearts to grow together. Even if it’s not the perfect kind of love with no anger, no jealousy and no self-seeking, every day with Jeno is a prayer Jaemin asked for everyday. Even if he knows that ten years from now, he may not feel the same way he does, and ten years from now he might not be able to look at Jeno this way, but he wants to cherish this moment. Even if Jaemin showed his love without words.

“We’re seventeen now.”

Jaemin’s train of thoughts stopped when Jeno spoke. He looks at him, eyes still glistening even when it’s not supposed to, because he only looking at Jaemin now and not the fireworks. He nods.

“We’re not getting any younger. We should date.”

Jaemin knows it will come down to this one day. Jeno will find love and fondness to someone that isn’t Jaemin. Maybe Jeno already found one. That’s why he’s saying this to Jaemin. It burns when Jaemin nods because he didn’t want to let go of Jeno just yet.

“Really?”

Jaemin nods again. “I mean, if you want to go out with someone you can—-“

“I do.” Jeno says in earnest. “What about you, Jaemin?”

“It’s just—-I—- there’s...”

“Are you rejecting me now?”

“What?”

“I’m saying I want to go out with you, Jaemin. I want you for a long time, and I think you want me too. So...”

“Jeno....” Jaemin brain stutters at the impact that knocked every wisp of air from his lungs. It’s a struggle to inhale, or to exhale of to even do anything with the weight of Jeno’s expect eyes on him.

“So?”

Jaemin startles just by the sound of Jeno’s softest of voice. And he never realised he’d needed that form of eternity until now. Jeno said the words he couldn’t, the words he doesn’t think he can say even in his final moment. But there they are now, with Jeno looking at Jaemin full of confidence like he knows just how much Jaemin wanted this too and he’s right. Jaemin liked him every since he that day when he saw Jeno in that pink dress and bow clip running and crying at the park. Jaemin wanted him ever since the 8th grade school program where Jeno dressed up as a Korean prince as their class representative, Jaemin loved him ever since he met him. “I love you, Jeno.” Jaemin wonders if he says it or it’s just in his head.

But Jeno smiled, his teeth showing and eyes disappearing when he rest his head on Jaemin’s shoulder with a contented sigh. But he chuckled afterwards, not even trying to suppress it.

For the moment, Jaemin worried about how easily the words come out of his mouth. His confession. And maybe Jeno is just toying him all this time. “Why are you laughing?”

“You’ve said it. Without the annoying smirk of yours.”

Jaemin snorts and nudges Jeno off his shoulder. Only because it felt too much and the confident that vibrates off Jeno is a little annoying. “You know what, never mind. Go confess to Renjun instead.” He says bitterly.

“Were you jealous?” Jeno laughed.

Jeno is so pretty when he laughs and Jaemin answers it by leaning in and he kisses Jeno. Jaemin’s owns action surprised him too, but it’s there, Jeno’s lips too soft against his. They stilled like that for what feels like eternity and Jaemin slids sideways to kiss the corner of Jeno’s mouth. Jeno inches closer when Jaemin used the front of his teeth to bit at Jeno’s bottom lip where a sound escaped and Jaemin finds it as his entrance to experimentally licked inside his mouth. It was tender and sweet and hot the way Jeno’s tongue rolled against his and he felt his one of his hand reached up to clutch at his chest. He felt Jeno melted into him when their tongue battles for dominance and Jaemin sucks his tongue, trying to get the sound out of Jeno’s mouth. The vibrations sending shivers down his spine with Jeno’s whimpers.

Jaemin’s wanted this a long time, and he knows he couldn’t pull away anymore. Not until Jeno is a moaning mess in his arms.

“When did you like me, Jeno?” Jaemin asked the next day. They didn’t sleep until later last night, and they kissed, play, and fell asleep on Jeno’s bedroom. It still hadn’t sink in, the confession, and Jaemin could only feel that it’s real whenever Jeno’s mouth is on him.

“I don’t know.” Jeno answers.

It’s late in the morning and they’re just glad none of Jeno’s parents or even his sister are bothering them now. They’re probably sleep deprived or tipsy from the New Year’s eve.

Jaemin would’ve retort that he’s offended but his eyes travels to Jeno’s bare chest that looks even more white, a little red, but only because Jeno casually admits last night that he likes it when Jaemin’s hands are on him all the time, attractive in the morning when the sun is high up in the sky and everything is bright. He traces his fingers on Jeno’s collar bone, down to his abdomen and circles it to his belly button. Jeno’s body is a wonderland that Jaemin wants to always use his hands.

“Hey, that tickles.” Jeno says but he didn’t made a move to swat Jaemin’s hands away. Instead, he removes the covers around him to expose himself more to Jaemin.

Jaemin smiles up at Jeno and gives butterfly kisses to his stomach and he felt Jeno tense underneath him.

“But—maybe. Maybe it was on Halloween when you—Jaemin. You showed up looking so handsome.”

“Really?” Jaemin says fondly and pecks Jeno on the lips.

“I figured... I didn’t envy because the girls kept gathering around you. But it’s more like, I was jealous of them.”

Jaemin smiles further and cages Jeno’s face with his palm, kissing him deeply. “But you’re all I can see that night, you know?”

“You should’ve told me.”

“I’m sorry.” I’m a coward, he didn’t add.

“I thought it didn’t matter to you when you see me holding someone’s hand. You weren’t even asking me anything.”

It took the life out of me and I almost gave up on you, Jaemin didn’t say.

“I love you, Jaemin.”

“I love you.”

“Get off me now.”

“But— okay.”

“I can’t believe he confessed first. But first, I’ll kill you.”

Jaemin runs as fast as he can and instantly regrets boasting about it to Doyoung.

💚💚💚