Work Text:
Donghyuck doesn't like prying when it comes to other people's private life because honestly, he has more on his plate than one could imagine, and snooping on someone's privacy is simply a waste of time. But when Mark's journal remains in the security of his side table for almost three days, Donghyuck's hands itch, like the urge to touch it, to feel it, to know what's inside Mark's journal - his heart, his mind, his soul, his entire being - becomes all too much.
His fingers shake when it turns one page after another, some of the words slowly making sense in his head. Mark's lyrics, Donghyuck thinks. Of course, what else could his journal hold?
It's a different journal from the one Mark brings during their writing sessions. Donghyuck has seen that one multiple times. Maroon in color and in tact and neat, like it's brand new.
This one though, Donghyuck learns, is old and beaten up. Some of the pages are folded, some painted with droplets of coffee stain, some torn from its spine.
Donghyuck recognizes some of the words from some hit songs that Mark has written for other people, but most of it are still new to him, and he feels like a criminal, like he's sneaking in someone's home, wandering around, not taking anything but breaking in nevertheless. He reads as many words as he can, as if there is a limit of how much he can read, as if a timer is set up while he looks, while he wanders, while he takes as much as he can.
And then, he stops.
It's on the 53rd page, he realizes when he looks at the bottom of the journal. His name, the one he's unconsciously looking for, is written on top of page 53. The page is a mess and the words are written all different from one another. One phrase is written using a red ink, which Donghyuck could recognize as his based on its opacity, and another written with pencil, a scribbled sentence that has been evidently erased never to see the light of the day. He imagines Mark never staying on this page for a day, never intending to finish the song he called Donghyuck, but he comes back from time to time, when he gets inspiration perhaps, and he writes the words down in a rush, like a whisper. A short breath.
If I tell you what's in my heart, the first phrase says. It's written in black ink, the pressure evident with the way the letters are written. Perhaps we will drift apart, Donghyuck reads. The next words hit Donghyuck like a tsunami, crashing him down until he feels like drowning. As if his lungs is filled with water. With Mark Lee's words.
It doesn't take Donghyuck another second to decide. He flees.
[✰]
There's a reason why the entirety of South Korea calls Haechan as the nation's ace.
Not only is he excellent and splendid at what he does, but Donghyuck ensures that he can be good at everything. He doesn't have to be the best at everything, he believes, because knowing a little about everything makes him feel like there's nothing he can't do. And Donghyuck takes pride in the fact that everyone trusts him to be impressive, if not the best, at all times.
Therefore, when Mark Lee shows up in the meeting for Donghyuck's upcoming full length album, it dents his pride that the management thinks he needs more help in composing his next hit single.
Donghyuck has the best production team. With Kim Doyoung and Nakamoto Yuta in it, any song that comes out of the studio eventually, almost immediately, becomes a hit regardless of it being the leading title or a b-side track. Taeyong comes sometimes, when he's not busy being the head producer in his own label, and Kun doesn't hesitate to send Donghyuck his latest drafts to see if he's interested in making it into something bigger. Hence, Donghyuck thinks he doesn't need any more people in his team, doesn't need more names added on the last page of his album's photo book.
Taeyong introduces him like Donghyuck is unaware of the fact that he's the most sought-after composer these days. When Doyoung introduces Donghyuck to Mark, and the singer thinks Doyoung could've done a better job at describing him other than, "and this is Donghyuck. You know him better as Haechan."
Donghyuck wants to be annoyed so badly, and clearly, Doyoung is not taking any of his shit today, not when Taeyong is overly excited of the fact that his label's ace composer and Doyoung's ace artist are finally collaborating. Yuta, being exactly the way he is, sits still in the middle of the room and keenly observes everyone. Donghyuck gives the oldest one a look, as if he's begging to be saved.
But what is it that Donghyuck needs saving from? When Mark Lee, the first time they meet, looks at Donghyuck like he is the sun.
[✰]
Donghyuck begins to think that life is unfair when he learns that Mark has a heart of gold on top of being the most talented, most amazing human being he's ever had the privilege to come across with.
Mark Lee is only 25 and he says he's still learning about life, but Donghyuck thinks it's bullshit because he's never met anyone smarter than him. Mark has been writing and composing songs for as long as he's learned how to play the guitar and while his voice is not as popular as Donghyuck's, his words have left a big impact in the music industry. At 21, he composed Na Jaemin's debut single that ranked the highest and longer charting song of 2018. Not even two years later, he produced Jung Jaehyun's third full length album along with Taeyong, earning him royalties one could only imagine and further solidifying his badge as one of the best composers in Seoul. Mark Lee is barely 23 when he earns the title as the nation's songwriter.
Donghyuck, whether he admits it or not, is more than impressed, or as Doyoung would say, is "about to give men rights", and it's not making him feel comfortable.
Most especially when one of the songs delay the production because Donghyuck can never get it right despite going through it over and over again, studying the notes, seeking for advice from Yuta, and taking into consideration every single variable that might affect the song in particular.
Usually, when Mark Lee is done with producing and composing the spine of the song, he leaves Taeyong to the rest of the work, as the older one is better at directing a singer than he will ever be. Doyoung sits beside Taeyong across the recording booth, of course, but Donghyuck, oh how it breaks his heart (pride) to admit it, is still having difficulty in getting it right.
So Yuta suggests that they should call for Mark.
"It's his song anyway," Yuta points out. "He'll know what to do."
The rest of the team sigh in relief, agreeing that Mark would know the song best, and Donghyuck doesn't protest.
Mark doesn't take more than fifteen minutes to arrive. Donghyuck adores the way he looks when he walks in inside the studio. His hair is barely styled, its natural curls coming to life, and he's wearing a shirt and a pair of sweatpants that makes Donghyuck melt. His eyeglasses are perched on the bridge of his nose, the frame accentuating Mark's facial structure, and his eyes, bless Donghyuck's heart, they still put the stars to shame despite it being so late in the night.
But none of those matter because Donghyuck still can't get the song right.
"The notes are good," Yuta comments. "But you lose the grip on the song towards the chorus. Try to, I don't know, think of anything else other than what you've put yourself into because clearly, it's not working."
Donghyuck never takes offense of Yuta's suggestions, so he closes his eyes when Taeyong asks him to get ready.
The song is 20cm, and this is the only song that Donghyuck did not take part in writing the lyrics. Said song is supposed to make you feel nostalgic, like going back to your hometown after so many years and learning that you've grown out of your old self, like you're learning more than you've ever had. Donghyuck doesn't miss a single note, never misses a beat, but everyone in the room knows something is missing. What makes it more difficult is the fact that nobody know what exactly is missing.
The clock strikes one in the morning when Doyoung announces he's too tired to continue and suggests that everyone should go home and take a rest. Perhaps tomorrow they'll make it right. Mark is yet to leave a comment.
Donghyuck sighs, clearly disappointed at the fact that it's been two days since he started recording the song and it's never taken him more than a day to record a song, and Taeyong agrees. Doyoung and Yuta know that Donghyuck will most likely stay in the studio to sulk and that neither of them have the power to stop the artist from beating himself up for halting the entire production. But Mark stays.
"I'm sorry for wasting your time," Donghyuck mumbles, sitting beside Mark on the couch. He leans back, closing his eyes and waits for Mark to leave. But the older one doesn't move from his place, making Donghyuck open his eyes and look at him in question.
"You should go home," Donghyuck suggests. "I'll fix my shit and do better tomorrow. No more wasting time. No more shit singing."
Mark smiles at him. Donghyuck's heart does a backflip. "You're amazing, Donghyuck."
"Stop lying." Donghyuck's cheeks begins to warm up. "Have you seen Doyoung? I've never seen him more disappointed in me. And I have had dating rumors. Which were true, by the way, if you've heard of them."
"Ahh, so Lee Jeno really scored a date with you, huh?" Mark jokes.
"Keeping up with my life, aren't you?" Donghyuck points out. "That was years ago. We were kids."
"Yeah, Jeno told me himself," Mark replies.
Donghyuck gasps. "Lee Jeno. A betrayer! We agreed not to admit it to anyone!"
Mark laughs. "He was drunk when he told me. Said something about how your lips never taste the same because you have forty lip balms in your possession."
"Forty-three to be exact," Donghyuck adds, making Mark laugh even louder, but still timid nonetheless.
Mark covers his mouth when he laughs, Donghyuck notices, and somehow it becomes a mission in his head to make Mark laugh as loud as he could, until his gums are visible, until his lungs tighten and he forgets to breathe.
But right now, Donghyuck doesn't have much energy to do that. He's still frustrated over the song and he doesn't expect to have it fixed overnight. So when Mark gets up from the couch and turns off the light, Donghyuck's eyes widen in surprise.
Only the light on the computer's screen illuminates the room. Mark raises his hand a little and switches the bulb inside the recording booth, making the room feel empty, save for both boys' breathing.
"When I wrote 20cm," Mark starts. The room is dark. How could his eyes still shine?
Donghyuck listens.
"I never had Taeyong-hyung review it for me," he continues. "More often than not, I go seek his advice when it comes to my songs. But this one, I composed by myself. I personally kept this one from Taeyong-hyung because he has the tendency to go through my stuff if I save it in our shared hard drive. I made sure that no one else could touch this song, that no one could alter what I felt while writing this."
Mark suddenly reaches out for Donghyuck's hand. The younger takes it without hesitation, a little too quick, a little too desperate if you ask him, and Mark helps him stand. Donghyuck only follows his lead.
"So when you sing this," Mark says, voice lower, almost like a whisper. A secret. A promise. "I want you to feel what I did."
Mark is still holding his hand.
"I was in Vancouver," Mark continues. "For a whole week for the first time in years. My brother got married. I wrote this in the car. On my phone. My mom thought I was texting someone at work and she scolded me for thinking about my job of all days. But the feeling in my chest at the time was bubbling up, almost bursting, like it's screaming from my chest and asking me to write it in words. To make it permanent."
"It's not exactly a love song, or a song for anyone in particular," he adds. "Some of the lyrics are for creative purposes only, but the song is for myself. I imagined that I was meeting my younger self. Smaller, naive, unsure of everything. He was nothing compared to who I am right now, but he's in my heart. I'll never let go of my younger self in hopes that despite growing taller, becoming a better version of myself as I become older. I will never take that away from my core. From home. It's a message I am trying to tell 16-year old Mark and I gave this song to you because I was hoping you'd send the message across to me. To who I am right now."
Donghyuck thinks he's forgotten to breathe. Mark lifts Donghyuck's hands until his palm is pressed against his chest. Donghyuck takes note of how loud Mark's heart is beating.
"Will you sing the words back to me, Donghyuck-ah?"
Donghyuck has never sung more passionately than he did that night.
[✰]
It's hot, the first time they kiss.
The album is almost done. With only a few verses needed to be re-recorded, some back track in need of flourishing, and a bit more run over by Yuta, Donghyuck celebrates the fact that his full length album is about to come to life. Therefore, celebrate he does.
It's four in the morning, and Mark's hands are warm around his waist. The older is taking him home, it seems, because Donghyuck doesn't recognize the elevator they're riding, and he's lost his phone somewhere in Mark's car so Doyoung is most likely not picking him up. Donghyuck is drunk, drunk, drunk, like he's never been before. He thinks it's because he's with Mark, who feels too perfect to be real, who makes him feel things he shouldn't be feeling.
Life as an celebrity is difficult, especially when you're Haechan. When the world is watching him closely, like it's waiting for him to do something dumb and crucify him for it. The fans love him, more than enough, the media says, so that means he doesn't need any more love from other people. He gets enough of it from the world, from everything surrounding him, so it's selfish, the television says, it's selfish to ask for more.
So when he feels anything borderline love and it's not from his fans nor the media, Donghyuck flees.
But this should be okay, right?
This isn't love.
Mark tearing his clothes off Donghyuck's body is not love. The bruises Mark's mouth leaves on the expanse of Donghyuck's neck are nothing but the heat of the moment. The sounds they make from being pressed so closely against each other are not because of love. And when Mark makes Donghyuck come and Donghyuck sees stars, it's not love. It's not love, because loving Mark would hurt. Donghyuck loathes feeling hurt.
Therefore, it's not love. It should never be.
[✰]
Mark forgets his lyric book after the meeting with Donghyuck's team. Donghyuck doesn't hesitate to pick up the maroon notebook and run after Mark before the older gets the chance to leave.
"You left this in Doyoung's office," the younger says when he reaches Mark right outside the elevator. "Figured you might want to hide it from other people."
Mark chuckles and takes the notebook. "I'm a songwriter, Donghyuck-ah. People are supposed to see this."
Donghyuck nods. "See you tonight?"
Mark doesn't give him an answer. Instead, he pulls Donghyuck by the waist and kisses him on the mouth. It surprises Donghyuck, almost pushes him away, but remembers that no one else is in the building, and Doyoung knows they're fucking anyway. Donghyuck presses himself closer, tasting Mark in his mouth, and grins when the older one lets out a sigh.
"Watermelon," Mark says when he pulls away, licking his lower lip. Donghyuck's eyebrows furrow in confusion.
The elevator bell rings.
"My favorite." Mark leaves.
[✰]
Donghyuck cries two weeks before the album's release date.
He's sitting on one of the steps on the back of the label's building, the fire exit, where nobody ever comes out of, and he ensures that he's alone when he exhales and begins to allow his tears to fall.
It's the longest week of his life. The director of the music video for the lead single had called in earlier in the week and said that he felt dissatisfied with the scenes they had filmed weeks ago and that Donghyuck needed start filming all over again. Not only was Doyoung furious because that had most likely put on a dent on their budget, but also because they're already cramming because of the time limit. They had only two weeks left, and nothing besides the album are set in place yet.
Donghyuck is in rehearsal eighteen hours a day and on top of that he needs to squeeze in some time to film the music video again, and he's getting acne from all the pressure, and he's not so sure if it's his illusion that's tricking him but he thinks his hair is falling from all the stress. Besides all of those, he had interviews and places to be, because the management had not been able to control the amount of shows and appearances they approved for Haechan to be a part of to promote the album, and Donghyuck just thinks this is the worst comeback in his entire career. The worst. He's never coming back after this album. If he earns enough, then he'll retire. He will 100% retire.
By the time Mark finds him, Donghyuck is a sobbing, snotty mess, but Mark still looks at him so fondly. Donghyuck isn't sure what's more disgusting: his snot or the fact that Mark still looks at him with fond, affectionate eyes..
"Donghyuck-ah," Mark says softly when he reaches the bottom of the stairs. He jumps and kneels in front of Donghyuck, taking the younger in his arms, holding him as close as possible while he cries. "You're okay, Donghyuck-ah."
Donghyuck continues to cry.
"You're okay," Mark repeats, and that's all it takes for Donghyuck to believe him.
[✰]
Mark likes to play with Donghyuck's fingers after sex.
Donghyuck thinks it's weird, but finds it cute when the older lifts his hand and leaves soft kisses on his knuckles, his fingers, his palm, up until he reaches his wrist, right above his pulse.
Mark sleep talks sometimes. It gets so bad that most of the time, Donghyuck is unaware that Mark is asleep because they're having actual conversations and how in the world could one talk in their sleep so coherently? He adds this to the list of incredible things that Mark Lee can do.
But among all the habits Mark has at night, Donghyuck's favorite would be when he sings him to sleep.
Mark doesn't sing much. He had released mixtapes of his own and raps in them. He sings sometimes, but often, he'd ask a vocalist to do the singing part because he's not too confident.
The songs that Mark sings (or hums) are for Donghyuck's ears only apparently. But it's also exclusively available after sex, other than that, Donghyuck could split himself into two to beg Mark to sing one of his unreleased songs and Mark wouldn't bat an eyelash.
There's a particular tune that Mark hums a lot these days. He's holding Donghyuck's hand while the younger's head rests on his naked chest, and Donghyuck can't think of any other moment he'd like to keep in his memories forever.
"What's that song?" Donghyuck asks Mark. "You've been singing it more often than the others."
Mark presses a kiss on him wrist. "It's called Donghyuck."
"Don't play with me, Mark Lee," Donghyuck warns. "I will not be able to survive it if you actually write a song for me."
"I literally wrote an entire album for you," Mark points out.
"You got paid to do that!" Donghyuck argues, making Mark chuckle.
"I haven't written it yet," Mark replies. "It's just... a tune. And some words. But nothing solid yet."
Donghyuck's chest tightens. Like his heart is swelling. And he knows it's dangerous, and that it shouldn't feel this way. But it's strong, so strong that Donghyuck leans upwards to give Mark a soft, innocent kiss on the lips.
"Let me know when it's done, Mark Lee."
"You'll be the first to hear it."
[✰]
As expected, Donghyuck's full album hits the charts with so much power.
The fans are a big help, of course, promoting the album way ahead of its release and streaming in every platform they can. But according to statistics, it's the general public that made the album successful. With it's lead single called Highway to Heaven and eight equally astounding b-side tracks, Haechan's An Ode to A Stranger is an absolute hit.
His name is everywhere and Donghyuck feels like he's on top of the world.
All his colleagues and friends congratulate him and send him warm messages upon the news of the album becoming the best-selling album of the year just two days after its release. His parents and siblings express their happiness of what he has achieved. Doyoung throws him the biggest party he's ever had, and Donghyuck couldn't be anymore thankful for what he has right now.
The party is as big as one could imagine and Donghyuck could mistake it as his birthday party with all of the gifts and flowers he's receiving from the fans and his friends. Doyoung gives him permission to be as wild as he can tonight (not that Doyoung has been able to stop him before), and Donghyuck makes the most of the night.
He remembers inviting Mark, even before a date and venue had been set up for the release party, but he doesn't see the man anywhere that night.
Donghyuck feel like his heart almost broke in two, but he reminds himself that it's not love. It shouldn't be love, so it shouldn't hurt.
Mark has sent him a congratulatory message two days before, right when the album is released and even prior to the confirmation that the album is a digital and physical sales hit. That should be enough, and Donghyuck shouldn't be asking for more.
It's not love, he says over and over again. He says it again when he turns his phone off after staring at Mark's last message (it was from the day before when Mark confirmed his attendance to the party, that obviously he did not come to).
It's not love, Donghyuck recites again. He repeats it in his head when Yoon Sanha makes a beeline towards him and says that he's the most beautiful person tonight.
It's not love, his mind supplies him. It tells him over and over when Sanha has him pressed against the door of the bathroom two floors below the party.
It's not love, Donghyuck tells himself when Sanha is helping him walk back to the party, his neck painted with bruises that are not from Mark. It's not love. It shouldn't be love.
[✰]
Thankfully, Doyoung planned the party very well.
Despite Donghyuck being dead drunk on his ass, Doyoung ensured that nobody could ruin the artist's mood. Donghyuck is pretty sure a lot of people saw him and Sanha leave and go back to the party together. He's sure they know, but Doyoung, the angel sent from above, did damage control before the damage was even done.
None of the media says a word about it. Donghyuck thinks that maybe they don't know, or maybe they do, but Doyoung might have paid them enough to keep their mouth shut for the meantime.
Donghyuck assumes he's safe. But that's only until Mark Lee comes over two weeks after the party. Two weeks after the deafening silence that Donghyuck has unfortunately become accustomed with.
"You and Sanha, huh?" Mark says after a long minute of silence. He stays standing outside Donghyuck's apartment. Donghyuck doesn't even invite him in.
Because you weren't there, Donghyuck wants to say.
But it's not love, his mind fills him.
So instead, Donghyuck says, "What about it?"
Mark chuckles. "You're a joke, Lee Donghyuck."
Donghyuck couldn't agree more.
[✰]
Donghyuck realizes he loves Mark while waiting at the backstage for a performance.
His make-up artist is rummaging through her kit, frustrated because she cannot find a single tube of chapstick from her things, so Donghyuck simply tells her that there's one on the front pocket of his backpack. She goes and takes it for him as his hair is being styled by another staff, and immediately swiping the stick on Donghyuck's lips.
He presses them together, and tastes it.
It hits him lighter this time. Not like the time he read Mark's journal and learned that Mark loves him. More like a flick in the wrist. A reminder, perhaps, that it's always been there. It's always been real. It's just that he spent more time telling himself it's not love rather than swimming in it.
He was right all this time. Loving Mark would hurt. It does.
Donghyuck presses his lips again, letting it linger a little.
He's never bought any other flavor other than watermelon.
[✰]
It takes twenty-five days, Donghyuck learns, it only takes twenty-five days for him to give up.
Because it's on the twenty-sixth day since the last time Mark had visited his home that Donghyuck calls the older and begs him to come back.
Mark, it seems, had only waited for Donghyuck to call, because in less than ten minutes, he's kissing Donghyuck with passion that the younger has never felt before. Like he's tasting every inch of his skin. Like pressing his body as hard as he can will make the moment permanent.
They don't talk much. They kiss and gasp and pull each other's clothes until their bare bodies are pressed against each other, not a single inch of space in between them.
"Why did you sleep with Sanha?" Mark asks when he kisses Donghyuck's neck. "Because I couldn't make it to the party?"
Donghyuck doesn't reply. He keeps his mouth slightly agape as Mark thrusts into him slowly.
"You never asked me if I loved you," Mark stutters, keeping his composure when Donghyuck clenches around him. "You never asked me. And now, you're, ah fuck, you're sleeping with other people and you're acting like I'm some kind of stranger to you?"
Donghyuck moans when Mark hits a particularly strong spot.
"I knew, even when you never told me," Mark continues. "That you're not looking for something serious at this point of your career. But, fuck, Donghyuck. I thought you'd be better than that."
"Mark," Donghyuck gasps, holding onto him. "It's going to hurt." Mark doesn't need Donghyuck to explain that it's not the sex he's talking about.
"It will," Mark answers. "But I would have loved you anyway."
That's all it takes for Donghyuck to fall apart.
When it's over, Mark leaves like it's the easiest thing to do.
Donghyuck doesn't know what else to say. He is left on his own, and as he touches his lips, the very same one that Mark had kissed, he realizes something. The familiarity in Mark's touch, the unsaid words, his eyes that still shine so bright even when they no longer bring light to each other.
Mark wanted to keep the moment forever because he knows it's all fleeting and will go away as soon as they pull away from each other. Donghyuck remembers his words from months ago when he had told him the story of how he wrote one of his songs.
The urge, the desire, his feelings towards Donghyuck were all too strong to avoid. Like it's bubbling up, almost bursting, like it's screaming from my chest and asking me to write it in words. To make it permanent.
Mark Lee is writing him a song.
[✰]
Donghyuck doesn't hear from Mark Lee after that night.
At one point it becomes an issue with the public, because one day, Mark Lee and Haechan were inseparable, good friends, some would even say. But months after An Ode to A Stranger was out, it seemed like the songwriter and the singer never knew each other.
Like they never had each other's number on speed dial. Like they've never touched each other in places no one else could. Like Mark never held Donghyuck's hand and kissed them softly almost every single night. Like Donghyuck had never known what it's like to love Mark Lee.
The issue dies down when it's revealed that Mark Lee is taking some time off from the music industry the second Lee Dokyeom's debut album is released. Apparently, Mark had been the key composer to the soloist first album. After that, he had said in one interview, he might go back home to Vancouver to spend some time with family.
Donghyuck pretends he doesn't hear any of the news.
In the evening before Lee Dokyeom's album launch, Doyoung plays a song inside his office. Taeyong had given their label a copy of the album for them to listen to in advance as a gift.
Donghyuck's heart almost stops when he hears the song. The same words from Mark's journal. The familiar, wordless tune that's been stuck in his head for months. Mark. It's his song.
Again, today, Donghyuck only listens.
I'm standing alone thinking. I've always wanted to ask you, is there such thing as an end without a start?