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Yoongi groans as he picks up the box. He's too old for this shit. A man in his late fifties lifting boxes on his own should be considered a crime. Yet, as much as his back kicks and complains, Yoongi makes sure all the boxes are moved from the basement to the bedroom.
It's tradition after all.
Every September 26th, when the weather begins to cool and darken, the wind gains strength and the sun’s rays play a game of hide and seek with the clouds, it is time to get the winter clothes from the basement, where they hibernate during the long spring and summer.
It's a tiresome process. Although the number of boxes have decreased over the years, it's still a struggle to get them all up the stairs, upack the clothes, wash the ones which smell like mothballs and dust (which is practically all of them), pack the summer clothes and put the boxes back downstairs. It's really a two day process.
Yet, Yoongi still does it. He likes routine, traditions. As one grows older and ages, the security of routine is a craving. He no longer pulls all nighters or goes on wild adventures for no reason.
That's something young people do. That’s what Hoseok did.
Yoongi closes the door to the basement and with a cloth, cleans the light layer of dust that is piles on top of the boxes. With a knife, he opened the boxes and begins to pull out the heavy wool knitted sweaters, the thick jackes, scarves and beanies and gloves.
At the bottom of one, sits a sweater that makes Yoongi stop in his tracks.
Yoongi sighs. This is the part that inevitably comes every september.
The memories of Hoseok.
It's a green sweater with a yellow sun embroidered across the chest. Yoongi bought him that sweater many years ago, when they were shopping for winter clothes and Hoseok just wouldn’t stop whining about how cute the sweater was. Yoongi didn’t think the two colours went together particularly well, but he ended up giving in. He always gave in to Hoseok's whims.
Yoongi smiles sadly at the sweater and brings it to his nose. It has been washed a few times and it has been storage for a long time, but he swears he can still smell Hoseok’s scent ingrained in the fabric.
“Yoongi-ssi!” A voice shouts from the front door.
Yoongi doesn't need to see who it is. It can only be Jungkook.
Jungkook is a young kid, early thirties or so, that lives nearby. He has a boyfriend and a job and a life , but for some reason, decides to waste his free time keeping Yoongi company. Sometimes he stays for dinner, watches television with him or helps him clean the house. Yoongi is more thankful for the help and company than he expresses but he's not used to voicing such things. Hoseok was always the one that made sure to speak all the pleasantries.
“In in here!” Yoongi shouts. He hears light steps and Jungkook soon appears at the bedroom door, a small smile on his face.
“Yoongi-ssi, why didn’t you just wait until I arrived? You shouldn’t be carrying all those boxes by yourself.” Jungkook scowls. Yoongi has since learned that instead of being treated with more respect because of his old age and experience and wisdom, he's instead constantly told off like a child.
Yoongi rolls his eyes, “I’m not a cripple, Jungkook, I can do things for myself. And I didn’t know if you were coming.”
Jungkook takes the knife that sits on the bed and begins opening more boxes, “I texted you this morning telling you I was coming, did you not see?”
Yoongi sighs, getting his phone from his pocket. He mostly keeps the thing on silent because he hates the sudden sharp noises that startle and there it is, Jungkook’s message.
“Yeah, I guess I didn’t see it.”
Jungkook shakes his head and pulls the clothes from the boxes. Yoongi is still clutching the green sweatshirt and looking at it fondly. Jungkook notices Yoongi's absent eyes and decides to speak up.
“What it- what it his?” Jungkook knows about Hoseok. He never met him, but he met Yoongi a few months after - after it happened. He helped Yoongi through the grieving period, making sure he ate and slept and didn’t do anything stupid. Yoongi rarely talks about him though. Jungkook doesn't think it's because he doesn't want to but because it's hard for him to get the words out.
Jungkook does know one thing for certain: they were endlessly in love with each other.
“What?” Yoongi wakes from the daze, “Ah, yes, it was.”
Yoongi sets the sweatshirt aside quickly, as if it's a secret to be hidden, and continues to take stuff out. The two work silently for the duration of the evening. Jungkook helps sort through the clothes and while Yoongi showers off the dust and grime, Jungkook sets the first batch of clothes in the washing machine. The next day Yoongi is going to pack away the summer clothes, but for now, the empty boxes rest in the corner of the bedroom. Jungkook makes sure to open a window so the room airs out.
Jungkook decides to make them some coffee. He pours the bean inside the machine so they can be crushed and waits. Yoongi’s kitchen is connected to the living room and as Jungkook look around, making sure everything is tidy, he catches sight of something odd, a new addition to the decoration.
He moves to it and picks it up.
It's a black frame, the standard size with a picture inside. Jungkook’s mouth opens in slight shock.
The picture shows Yoongi, a much younger Yoongi, Jungkook guesses around his own age, laughing merrily. He has black hair streaked grey in some areas but his eyes crinkle in delight as if he had just heard the funniest joke in the world. His skin is smooth and pale and his jaw is rounder, giving him a healthier appearance. His arm is slung around another man, a few inches taller that is leaning forward. His smile is bright and heart-shaped, showing off his perfect teeth. He has a messy mop of brown hair that hang over his equally brown eyes, which shimmer with happiness. His skin is perfectly tanned and almost glowed in the restaurant lights. Most importantly, he looks at Yoongi as if he is the best thing to ever exist.
Jungkook catches himself smiling at the picture. Jungkook has never seen Hoseok, this is the first time, Yoongi doesn't have any pictures or reminders of Hoseok in the house. Most of his things are packed away or hidden in locked drawers. Jungkook never asks about it but he assumes it's just too hard to always have reminders of Hoseok around.
Jungkook thinks the man was quite handsome. He had kind eyes, his smile seemed to be the embodiment of happiness. Jungkook is sure he would’ve liked him if he’d had the chance to meet him. The thought that he won't saddens him.
“It’s rude to snoop around, you know?”
Jungkook is so startled that he almost drops the frame, but he instead just jumps on the spot. Yoongi grins and moves to where the younger stands.
He takes the frame from Jungkook’s hands and looks at the picture fondly, just like he had looked at the sweater earlier. His thumb swipes over Hoseok’s face. Yoongi smiles absently.
“It was a birthday dinner,” Yoongi says , “Namjoon’s dinner. It was just us four, me, Hoseok, Namjoon and Seokjin. We had a fun time. We got really drunk and just told each other stories and dumb jokes. Namjoon took this picture without us knowing. He sent to me later on and yeah.”
He sets the frame back down. He seems sad. He is sad. Jungkook remains quiet.
“I found it the other day and I thought maybe it was a good idea to put it here. You know. I-” Yoongi stops and coughs. He looks quite uncomfortable so Jungkook decides to helped him out.
“I think that drama you like is about to start,” Jungkook says, looking at his watch, “I’ll go make the coffees, you just take a seat.”
Yoongi looks thankful for the easy out, so he nods weakly. Jungkook goes into back to the kitchen and pours a few spoonfuls of the crushed beans in a filter. He puts the filter inside the coffee machine. In the living room, Yoongi gets settled on the couch. He turns on the tv but he still looks rigid, lost in thought. He's sitting with his legs planted firmly on the ground instead of having them perched on the table like he usually does.
Jungkook finishes making the coffee, two sugars and milk for himself and one sugar and cream for Yoongi.
He sits beside the older and sets the coffee on the coffee table. Yoongi's long, pepper and salt bangs hang over his eyes, covering them. A haircut is very much overdue, but Jungkook knows that whenever Yoongi feels like it, he will go to the barber on his own.
Yoongi suddenly awakes from his daze and takes the mug in his hands. The coffee is too hot, but the older sips it and swallows it like it's lukewarm at best.
“I don’t talk a lot about him, do I?” Yoongi suddenly asks.
Jungkook hesistes, but he knows lying is no use, “No, not really.”
“I just- I,” Yoongi is tongue tied. Jungkook doesn't rush him.
“It hurts. It hurts a lot. You'd think after three years, it’d get better, a little easier, but it-”
Yoongi exhales slowly, trying to keep himself together.
“It doesn’t.”
Jungkook nods. He has searched a lot about how to help people who are grieving and he does his best without being a therapist. He helped Yoongi continue to live after it happened and kept him company, but he was sure pressuring him to talk was no way to go about.
“Yoongi-ssi,” Jungkook begins carefully, setting his cup down, “It’s up to you. If you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen. You can cry if you need to, I won’t judge you. Or, if you want, we can watch the drama. It’s okay either way.”
Yoongi pauses and turns to look at Jungkook. He pushes his hair back with hand. His eyes look vulnerable, glassy.
“I think I need to talk about it, if you don’t mind.”
Jungkook nods and turns to Yoongi. Yoongi sets down his cup and leans back on the couch.
“We met in university. I know that sounds boring and cliche, but life lesson number one is life is hardly as unique as people think it is. I was a liberal arts major and he was studying dancing. We had mutual friends and randomly came across each other.”
Yoongi swallows and continues.
“I- I know this sounds so cheesy, but it was love at first sight, you know? He was so handsome, so bubbly and energetic. The moment he walked into a room, you just - you felt his presence. He was kind and funny and cheerful. Being around him was like a breath of fresh air. It felt like drinking a cup of water when you’re thirsty, like a glimmer of sunlight after the pouring rain. I used to call him sunshine because of it. He was like the fucking sun and I couldn't help but be drawn to him.”
“Obviously, I didn’t ask him out because I was this pale, scrawny kid that mostly kept to himself, spent his time writing emo lyrics in his dorm room and I didn’t even know if he was gay or bi or whatever. I didn’t even know how to be his friend, he was like a life force and I found it so hard to keep up with him. I guess, in the end, he took a liking to me and sort of began always being around me. We usually had lunch together and he came to my dorm randomly to do work and stuff. I didn’t mind at all, if this hot dude wants to be in my room, I’m not one to complain.”
Jungkook chuckles lightly. Yoongi smiles lightly and continues.
“One day, just randomly, he asked me about a beat I was making. He usually did that, asked me to play what I was making. He liked my stuff because he could dance to it. But this time, the track had lyrics over it and me being the emo kid I was, I wrote the lyrics about him. I didn’t want to show it to him but he, being the nosy fucker that he was, just snatched the headphones away from me and listened to it. I was so embarrassed I thought I was about to combust. But he, being Hoseok, just smiled fondly, and he just kissed me. Just like that. No warning whatsoever. He was always like that, very spontaneous.”
Yoongi smiles and it the biggest smile Jungkook has ever seen on him.
“We began dating shortly after. We learned a lot more about each other. I learned that the real Hoseok wasn’t as radiant as he appeared to be and he learned that was a lot more upbeat than what I seemed. Hoseok struggled with his insecurities and sometimes random bouts of anxiety triggered by various things. I was his comfort. Countless times, he came into my room crying or just stressed out about school and work. He said I always calmed him down, like I had a peaceful aura. I guess that’s why we worked. We were so different from each other, but had enough in common to click.”
“We quickly fell in love. We said the ‘I love you’s quite early but it was alright because we really felt it. We were cheesy and everyone thought it wouldn’t last, but it did. After university, we knew we had to remain together. We were both already working and we were able to pay a small studio that was close-ish to our jobs. Living together was harder than what we had thought. I was incredibly messy and he was tidy, I always pulled all nighter and he went to bed at eight or something and we were both used to having our space and guess what? You don’t have much space in a studio apartment.”
Yoongi sighs, sitting up on the couch.
“But eventually, we started moving up the ranks. He began working as a choreographer for a entertainment company and I became a bigger producer in the industry. We were able to get a bigger place and we just loved each other so much that we worked through our differences. The years went by, a monotonous routine was established, and yet, waking up next to him every morning was enough to satisfy me. With him in my life, there was no boring day. Everything was fun with him, watching a movie, cooking, cleaning, everyday things. We got married in Europe. Hoseok was heartbroken about not being able to adopt, so we got a little puppy. We got two puppies actually, one named Mickey and another named Holly. Sure, they weren’t kids, but they were enough for us.”
Yoongi’s smile slowly disappears.
“But you know, things don't last forever. Happiness doesn't last forever. After Hoseok turned fifty, issues began to appear. He had smaller problems, like in his back and knees from the years of dancing, but he did physiotherapy and it was fine for the most part. But then he suddenly began to lose weight and go very pale and tired so we went to the doctors.”
Jungkook clutches tightly onto the couch, awaiting for the words.
“He had lung cancer. It was stage two, there was still a chance. He was devastated, but there was a glimmer of hope, and he held onto it with everything he could. I, on the other hand, it- it took a huge toll on me. The prospect of losing him, the person I loved the most in this world… fuck, it pained me to just think about it. But I remained strong for him. When chemo started, I quit my job to look after him. The sessions were intense, they were painful and he was always exhausted after. He tried to smile through them, talk and joke around but I saw he was suffering but I could always tell when his smiles were fake. It- it broke my heart to pieces, each time. His hair began to fall out, and he asked me to shave it."
"It was awful, I didn’t want to do it. Hoseok loved his hair, even after it turned grey, but I would do anything for him, even if it pained me. That was horrible. You know, it sounds simple, but it was one of the toughest parts. When I started, he just cried. He couldn’t look at himself. I still thought he was beautiful, he was always beautiful to me, but he hated it. I took down all the mirrors in the house so that he didn’t have to look at himself. He was so thankful for the gesture, he made the effort to wake up early to make me breakfast as a thank you. That was the type of person he was. He was doing chemo for his cancer and he still woke up early to make me breakfast.”
Yoongi’s eyes begin to water but he lets them, unlike always where he always tries to wipe them away. Jungkook feels a knot in his throat and tears prick at his eyes.
“Eventually, the cancer went away and we were so happy. How could we not be happy? It was like this massive weight that was suddenly lifted. We were so happy. His hair began to grow again and he was getting his energy back and everything was going back to normal. But then.”
A sob escapes Yoongi’s throat involuntarily and tears begin to fall more heavily.
“Then the fucking thing came back. It had been almost two years and it came back. And it spread. He tried fighting it and it-” The tears trail down Yoongi's cheek, “It killed him. I remember the day he died. The sun was shining that day. I was with him and we knew he didn’t have long. He made me promise that I would look after myself once he was gone and that I would be happy. Of course I said I would, because how could I ever say anything else? And then he turned towards the window and he smiled, a small smile, I think it was genuine and he-” Jungkook feels tears map down his face as well. He tries wiping his tears with the back of his hands.
"A bit of me died with him, you know? I felt it. I still feel it. And then I had to relearn how to live at the age of fifty-five. I had to learn to live without the person I had lived with for over thirty years and it was the hardest thing."
Yoongi's face is red and tears just continue to pour down. He doesn't look at Jungkook.
"I miss him everyday, Jungkook. I do. Everyday I wake up, and for a small second I think this is all a nightmare before I realise the truth and it hurts like hell every time. What even is Yoongi without Hoseok? For so long, we were Yoongi and Hoseok, attached at the hip. We shared everything. And now, it's just Yoongi.”
“My life miserable. You think you know, but you don't. I try to honour my promise to him everyday. I make sure I take care of myself, I shower, I brush my hair, but I’m not happy Jungkook. I wish I was. But everyday it's such a struggle.”
Jungkook reaches for a tissue and hands it to Yoongi, who was shaking.
“I miss him so much. I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss his warmth. I miss him so much. I never believed in heaven, or in those sorts of things, but I just hope that he's in heaven and that he is resting peacefully because he never did anything wrong to anyone, only good. He was such a kind soul. You should’ve seen his funeral. It was full of people. They all loved him so dearly.”
Jungkook didn’t know what to say, so he said something dumb.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all this.” Jungkook whispers.
Yoongi smiles weakly, blowing his nose, “It’s not your fault. Thanks for keeping me company. It means a lot.” Yoongi finally says.
Yoongi looks at Jungkook directly, “This is why I tell you, Kook, you need to spend more time with that boyfriend of yours. What’s his name?”
Jungkook naturally smiles at the imagine of his partner, “Jimin.”
“Jimin? That’s a nice name.” Yoongi smiles again, “I know you love him, by the way you always look so smitten whenever he calls you.”
“Yeah, I do.” Jungkook looks down, clearly embarrassed.
“That’s why I say you need to spend more time with him. Take him out tonight or something. You just- none of us know how long we have. Just make the most of the time you have with him.” Yoongi let's another tear slip, "I wish I did."
Jungkook nods, dabbing his eyes.
“I will.”
***
A week later, Yoongi’s bell rings. He's washing the dishes and quickly cleans his hands before going to the door. He was wearing Hoseok’s sweater. He had washed it and used a lot of fabric softener, so the material is comfortable against his skin.
He opens the door and Jungkook smiles at him, “Hey, Yoongi-ssi, how are you?”
Yoongi huffs, leaning against the doorframe, “The same as usual.”
Jungkook smiles brightly, swaying on the balls of his feet, “I have something for you.”
“Something for me? You do know my birthday is in march, right?” Yoongi remarks sarcastically.
Jungkook smiles and disappears. Yoongi is confused on whether he's supposed to follow him or not, but before he can question it, Jungkook reappears.
Yoongi’s attention goes straight to the small animal that sits at Jungkook’s feet. It's a small dog with short black fur, big dark eyes and a long snout. It's either a breed that Yoongi doesn't know or it's a mixed breed.
“I passed by the dog shelter the other day, and I saw this little dog. He seemed nice. The woman there told me he’s only a few months old and that he is playful but great company. He has all his vaccines and I just thought maybe it’d be nice for him to keep you company. Since you and Hoseok owned dogs together I thought maybe you’d like it.”
Yoongi is stuck in his spot and Jungkook is genuinely beginning to panic. He can't read Yoongi’s expression.
“If you don’t like it, I can always keep it, I know Jimin wouldn’t mind-”
Yoongi crouches down and put out his hand. The little dog approaches him and sticks out his tongue merrily. He jumps up and licks Yoongi’s face. Yoongi laughs, a real hearty laugh, and pets the dog. The dog almost reaches into the touch, the tail wagging happily.
Yoongi stands up and picks up the dog. He takes the leash from Jungkook’s hand, “Thank you, Jungkook. I’ll take very good care of him.”
Jungkook smiles again and pets the little dog, who's already leaning against Yoongi, happy in his arms.
“He doesn’t have a name yet.”
Yoongi looks down at the little dog. He smiles.
“I’ll call him Sunny. He does look like a bright little boy, doesn't he?”
“Sunny.” Jungkook looks at the dog, who seems to smile, “I think that’s perfect”
***
Jungkook goes by Yoongi’s house pretty often, and every time he does, Yoongi looks a little happier. He adores the dog. He goes out with him for walks in the park and feeds him well and always plays with him. The dog is now his biggest companion.
As the seasons changs, the brown of autumn turned into the grey of winter, but Yoongi feels more at peace.
He still misses Hoseok, he's always going to miss Hoseok. And maybe that's fine. It's just the way things are. When Yoongi cries, the dog licked the tears off his face and when he laughs, the dog wags his tail and put his tongue, jumping around.
Yoongi talks to the dog and it feels like the dog understands him in a weird way. Yoongi now has something to care for and nurture, and maybe that’s all he really needed at the ripe ol’ age of fifty eight after his husband had passed away - A little dog that he could cuddle to sleep and play with and watch grow up.
And so, slowly, Yoongi is learning how to live again, rather than just merely existing.
He feels like he's finally honouring his promise to Hoseok.