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I looked around at the darkness of the empty path, only illuminated by the few street lights littering the sides. Trees lived all around the edges, a vast forest seemingly leading into nothing. I feel the cobblestone on my bare feet as I walk, it feels smooth and cold, each stone fitting perfectly beside the next. No imperfections.
I look up at one of the old street lights as I pass it, so outdated and cliché in these untouched London streets. There are no birds awake, no noise to fill the silence of the air, my empty thoughts being the only white noise to fill the echoing void. I can't hear what they're saying, it's all the muffled sounds of what could have been and what once was.
Am I living? That's a loaded question, physically I think I am, but my brain feels numb and so now do my fingers. Frost bite. Great.
I miss warmth, I miss hands slotted together like a perfect puzzle piece, lips moving in synchronicity, warm arms around bodies keeping company under the heat of the fire place. Gone.
Now finally word I can make out, gone.
I look up at the full moon from under my hooded coat, the moon is the biggest I've ever seen it, but I can barely even appreciate the beauty when all I can do was walk emptily and aimlessly down a winding road. I don't know where I’m going. Somewhere but home, definitely not home, if I should even call it that anymore.
Why has everything gone so wrong? Why have I fucked up so badly? I like to think of my life as a series of highs and lows, one minute being the happiest I could ever be, next walking down a dark bloody path at 4am.
I feel a small cold prick on the back of my exposed hand, then another, and another. Rain. Fucking hell, how cliché. This isn't beautiful, none of it is beautiful, it's all empty and ugly. I hate it.
The rain has started pouring harder, soaking my supposedly water proof coat, leaving me a wet trail to step on in its wake. I pulled the hood off my head and instantly felt cool droplets on my scalp, no doubt frizzing up my already curly hair. But I don't care. Why should I care. I have no one to see, nowhere to go, nothing to do.
Phil. I want Phil, I need Phil, but he won't find me, he won't try. He wants me gone, I’m sure he would want me gone. Hell, everybody wants me gone. Why aren't I gone?
I paused and looked around me, everything was so empty, so cold, so still. It would be ridiculous to want to walk straight into that endless vast of darkness, or maybe it's perfectly sane. All rational thought doesn't exist in my conscious mind anymore, thoughts of joining the scattered trees sound nothing but routine in my muddled state of mind. The hope of becoming one of them being the primary need in this moment. My suspiciously numb legs walked to the edge of the cobble which bleed into forest, I step on a wet puddle of mud and felt a dulled feeling that I could recognize as surprise. It's still raining, I couldn't even feel it anymore, I couldn't feel anything.
I walked left foot first into the deep dark forest of tall black and white silver birch trees. I had no concept of time as I walked and walked, if my bones were starting to sore I couldn't feel it.
The noise hasn’t stopped, that white noise. Please stop, I'm so sick of it, it hurts its so loud, so so loud. It feels like my ears are bleeding and my brain is suffocating and I couldn't even tell you if they physically were or not. I look down at my hands, it feels like they aren't attached to my arms anymore. Is that the frost bite doing that or my mind? I can't tell anything, I don't know what reality is anymore. Unconsciousness is bleeding into consciousness and imagination is becoming reality and I want it to stop, I need it to stop.
Please, please stop.
My feet came to a halt as I look forward to see a thin running river, it's running fast, freshly filled to the brim with rainwater. I can't hear it, it just sounds like the same sound in my head. I take a step closer to the edge. My shoes look dirty, when did they get so muddy?
I take another step, is the water glistening under the moonlight’s beam? Something glowing under the dark rays of conceded happiness? Or maybe that's just my imagination too.
Another step, why hasn't he found me?
Another, maybe I don't want him to find me, he doesn't want to find me. Maybe that's good.
One more step, the river bank is dipping down to the white foam that clings to the edge, the water is rushing at speeds I can't even run. The noise, it's so loud, every muddle of "I love you." Every little whisper of sweet nothings, every angry word followed by loud crashes and clangs all forming together into one, unreadable, loud white fucking noise.
My right foot slowly lifts off from the place it was situated just behind my left, swinging forward, and beyond the edge of the river bank, just slowly grazing the water’s surface.
Slow motion, everything is slow motion, the noises are louder than they've ever been before.
My foot sinks into the cold water, not that I can feel it.
I fall, I think I'm falling, my surroundings are now a hazy blur of nothing.
Darkness. All I can see is darkness. And it's nice, it's so, so nice.
And then finally, silence.