Chapter Text
21st December, 2019. 9:27 am.
“But muuum , do I really have to?”
“Jungkook, the answer is the same as before.” Dahye frowns at the road as she clutches the steering wheel tighter in frustration, knuckles whitening at the pressure. Jungkook’s mum has the habit of clutching things when she’s frustrated, “And even if I was to change my mind, we’re most definitely not going back now.”
Jungkook sinks further in his seat, a mixture of a glare, a frown and a pout present on his face. He turns away from his mum, who he dubs as ‘The Betrayer’ in his mind. He always trusts his mum to protect him or save him from unpleasant situations, and now she’s practically throwing him off to the wolves like a piece of fresh meat.
He’s so annoyed he can barely speak. And even if he could, his mum definitely doesn’t look like she’s open to discussion. Her lips are tightly pursued, her long, hazelnut hair is tied in a loose ponytail and her eyes look tired, completely dull as she stares at the road. There is definitely no room for discussion. The ‘closed’ sign was hung a long time ago, even before they got in the car.
Jungkook fishes for his earphones in his pocket and takes them out haphazardly. He thrusts the buds in his ears and hits ‘shuffle’ on his playlist, which is already open on his phone. He turns the volume all the way up as a sort of act of protest. Dahye would usually tell him off for it, since it’s awful for his ears ( ‘You’ll go deaf by the time you’re my age!’ ), but she doesn’t have the strength to say anything. She’s quite disappointed at Jungkook’s immature and childish behaviour, but in the same breath, she questions how much of it is her fault.
It’s not because she doesn’t want Jungkook to visit his dad, of course she does, she knows the value that father-son bond has, but Yoongi never encourages the visits and she lacks the time to drive Jungkook over. Obviously Jungkook never asks to go visit his dad either. But she still mostly blames herself for the rift in their relationship. She should’ve known how Yoongi is, how he has always been - he hates forcing himself on people. Even his own son. When Jungkook began showing the first signs of disinterest in seeing or talking to him, Yoongi simply removed himself. She always hated that about him, but at the same time, that trait arouses sympathy in her so it's hard for her to be mad at him.
That same trait also culminated in their divorce, but that’s a different story.
The last time they saw each other was probably in the summer for two or three days, which is not a lot considering the summer holidays are three months long. She wanted Jungkook to stay longer but then he got sick and begged to return home. Yoongi couldn't say no to that and neither could she. When he got better, Dahye couldn't force him to go see his dad again and the pretence that 'I already saw him! Why do I have to go see him again?' . Yoongi didn't apply any pressure on another visit and then the holidays were over. Just like always. But this time it's going to be different.
She takes a deep breath and tries to steady herself. This was essentially her idea, since she knows how much Yoongi misses Jungkook, and so she has to prepare herself to be firm and follow through with the decision. She prays that somehow everything will go smoothly but she can already envision the numerous calls she’s going to get about all the fights and disagreements and Jungkook complaining about everything because that’s all he does these days and Yoongi’s quiet murmurs saying ‘I told you we shouldn’t have done this, I told you’ and she’s just going to have to prepare herself for it all.
Jungkook, in his own private world, is enjoying the music that pulsates through his ears and it’s a nice distraction. It has a sort of numbing effect on how disheartened and angry he truly is. He just knows he has to pretend that he's okay with this whole thing and he doesn’t even know how he’s going to do it. Just the thought of it tires him out. It's the same every time.
He's also busy imagining all the other, better things he could be doing the next few days if he was allowed to ever have some part in the decision making process, especially when said decisions affect him and his life. He's disappointed that he isn’t going to be able to play GTA or COD with Taehyung or watch movies with Jimin or do any of the cool things he had planned. Taehyung and Jimin had already reassured him it’s fine and that it’s not going to be that bad but Jungkook pointed out they are not the ones that have to go through it - that their parents are happily married and so they don’t have to deal with any of this sort of bullshit. That shut them up. Jungkook wonders if perhaps his shutting up skills were too effective but really, the harsh response was a long time coming. Taehyung and Jimin were great friends but sometimes they forgot they live very different lives from Jungkook. They simply can’t understand his life.
Jungkook stares out of the window, enjoying the vibration of the engine on his skull. The window’s misty with the winter cold. Jungkook wipes the glass with his coat sleeve and buries his nose in his scarf. The car’s heating system is pretty powerful but the cold penetrating through the door’s slits is nipping at his nose.
He enjoys the sight of the wet roads and frosty sidewalks, the large puddles he used to jump in when he was younger. They create reflections of the christmas lights and store signs and it makes everything look bigger. Jungkook sighs. This christmas holiday is going to royally suck. He’s at least thankful he doesn’t have to stay for New Year's. That’s the only positive thing he can think of. ' It’s a silver lining', Jimin would say. Jimin always sees the positive in everything.
Five minutes later, they arrive. His mum parks in the nearest spot and gets out of the car first. Jungkook, on the other hand, leans back in his seat and sighs. He doesn’t want to get out of the car. He wants to enjoy freedom while he can. His mum opens the trunk and he's just waiting for her to say it, he knows it's coming-
“Jungkook.” His mum warns, voice sharp.
There it is.
Jungkook huffs and finally opens the car door. He turns off his music and shoves the earbuds and his phone in his pocket. He stands and throws his backpack over his shoulder.
Jungkook walks to his mum, shoulders slumped and feet dragging behind him. She hands him his suitcase, still lips pursed but face not as gelid as before. Jungkook just stares at the suitcase to avoid her eyes.
Dahye closes the trunk with a loud thud and sighs, her breath lingering in the air. She gets out her phone and dials a number.
“Hey, hi. Yeah, we’re right outside. Alright, see ya.”
Jungkook’s sure their conversations never last longer than thirty seconds these days. Or maybe they do, he’s sure the conversation they had about this holiday was definitely longer than thirty seconds. Maybe a minute or two.
Then again, did their conversations ever last longer than thirty seconds? Not even on the phone, but face to face? Jungkook's not sure.
Dahye turns to Jungkook, slipping her phone back inside her coat pocket. Her face is much softer now, her tired eyes fonder of him. She gives him a half smile and hugs him tightly. Jungkook hugs her back.
“Alright, you gotta behave yourself, you hear me? Please don’t give them a tough time. Just try to enjoy yourself.”
Jungkook wants to protest but he just nods, “I’m gonna miss you.”
Dahye clutches him tighter, “I’ll miss you too. But it’s only a few days. And we’ll call.”
Jungkook nods again. He's never spent christmas away from his mum and he definitely feels weird about that. He's definitely going to miss her.
Jungkook hears the front door of the house nearby opening and his stomach drops. Everything’s suddenly becoming real, tangible. He feels so trapped. He just wants to climb into the safety of his mum's car and go back home. He hates this.
A man, not very tall but still considerably taller than his mum, walks to them huddled in a long black coat. A pair of thick black glasses sit on his nose and his grey and black hair looks much longer than what Jungkook remembers.
He smiles at Jungkook.
“Hey, Jungkookie.”
Jungkook wants to cringe at the nickname but he just smiles, “Hi dad.”
Yoongi smiles again, a smaller smile this time, and turns to Dahye, “Hey, thanks for driving him here.”
She smiles warmly, “It’s no worries. Should I pick him up or will you drop him off?”
Jungkook feels like a fucking parcel, getting passed around. He remains quiet.
“I’ll drop him off. By then my car should be fixed.”
“Okay then.” Dahye does her little smile that signals the finality of a conversation. She extends her hand and rubs Jungkook’s shoulder, “Okay then, I’ll see you in a week or so.”
Jungkook nods awkwardly, both hands in his pockets, “Yeah, bye mum.”
She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and jogs back to the car, waving them goodbye before getting in and driving away.
Yoongi looks at Jungkook and tries to smile, “Let’s go in, it’s pretty cold out here.”
“Yeah, well, it’s literally the beginning of winter.” Jungkook says, tone somewhat harsh.
Yoongi doesn’t respond. He simply quietly sighs and grabs hold of Jungkook’s suitcase, leading the younger into the house.
Jungkook can’t find the will to feel bad about the comment, but he can see the look his mother would give him if she heard it, and perhaps more importantly, the tone he said it in. She would probably disapprove - 'No one needs your sarcastic remarks, Jungkook.'
As soon as they step inside his dad’s house, the scent of cinnamon and ginger waft over to him. The house is warm and big with its bare wooden stairs and floors and furniture and various colourful rugs and trinkets that decorate the surfaces. Jungkook finds the decoration a little overwhelming and if he wasn’t so set on being unbothered, he would hate it. Maybe he does hate it. It’s too much. So different from his mother’s choice of minimalist decoration.
Jungkook takes off his backpack and sets it at his feet. He slips off his coat, taking out his phone and earbuds and putting them inside his bag. He hangs the coat on one of the hooks by the door. There’s the sound of some quiet chatter and then some quick steps coming in his direction.
Jungkook closes his eyes and tries his best smile as he turns back around.
“Jungkook!” Hoseok exclaims in his unshakable Korean accent that remains as strong as ever, walking over to the younger and hugging him tight, “It’s so good to see you again!”
Hoseok is his dad’s boyfriend. They’ve dated for almost two years. His dad was hesitant to introduce Hoseok to Jungkook at first because, well, it can be seen as weird for your dad to date a guy. And Jungkook would be lying if he said he didn’t find it weird at the beginning. He was always aware his dad was bisexual, it wasn’t something his parents ever hid from him but still. He just never imagined it actually happening.
Eventually his mum had a long conversation with him and with time, he came to terms with it. It took time, but he got there.
It doesn't mean Jungkook likes Hoseok. He doesn't.
He figured out that the problem with Hoseok is not that he is a man - it’s just about everything else. He’s loud, always smiling, always laughing, eccentric and way too enthusiastic. He doesn’t seem real - rather, he seems like an exaggeration of something, a caricature. He’s just too much all the time and Jungkook doesn’t like that. He doesn’t care if his mum chats with Hoseok and thinks he's so ‘pleasant, what a great guy’, he doesn’t care if his friends said he ‘seems really nice’. He just doesn’t like him. It all seems so fake and when Jungkook realised it wasn’t fake, that Hoseok is really like that, that just made him dislike Hoseok more.
He also most definitely doesn’t like the fact that he’s hugging him right now.
“Yeah.” Jungkook just says, weakly hugging Hoseok back.
Everytime Jungkook sees Hoseok, he unconsciously asks himself what exactly does Hoseok have that his mother doesn’t - his mother is most definitely prettier, funnier, smarter and overall - better. He knows, he knows well, that their parents just weren’t in love anymore and that his dad had met Hoseok after his parents had already split but it’s hard to accept that. It’s so much easier for Jungkook to dump all his resentment onto Hoseok. To dump all his hatred and anger unto something he doesn’t sympathise with at all. It’s so much easier and he will continue to do it since it seems to work just fine.
Hoseok finally lets go of Jungkook and looks at him, still smiling.
“I like the new hair! It suits you.” Hoseok’s referring to Jungkook’s longer hair that now reaches his chin. T
Jungkook smiles meekly, “Thanks.”
Hoseok smiles and puts his hands on his hips. He’s wearing a thick red sweater, loose trousers and a pair of green slippers with baubles on them, “I just made gingerbread cookies. Want one? I heard they were your favourite.”
They are. His dad probably told him - or his mum. One of the two. Probably his mum.
“No, thank you.” Jungkook picks up his bag and walks past Hoseok, “I actually have homework to do.”
“Oh, Okay. Well, they’re on the counter if you feel like having one after you study.” Hoseok smiles.
Nothing ever affects that guy. And he's always fucking smiling. Jungkook really doesn't like that.
Jungkook nods. His dad already carried the suitcase up the stairs and brought it into Jungkook’s bedroom, which is essentially the guest bedroom. It has nothing that makes the room distinctly his own, like back home. It fact, Jungkook hates the room because it's all green. The walls are all green, the bed is dressed in obnoxious green sheets, the bare wooden desk is completely empty except for a green lamp and on the nightstand sits another green lamp and a little green dish and an alarm clock which is green. There's even a green chair sat by the corner of the room. The big window is covered by orange curtains, but these have green dots, so it's not much of a salvation.
The worst part is the green present all over the room is not even a cool green like the colour of pines or ermelands. It’s the colour of dull grass and apples and Kermit the fucking frog and the more Jungkook looks at it, the more it looks like the colour of vomit.
Jungkook is surprised the rest of the house isn't green too. He reckons his dad had a little more say in the decoration of the other rooms.
His dad drops the luggage on the green bed with a thud and steps back into the doorway “Alright, I’ll give you time to get settled. Lunch will be at 12. You can do your stuff and come down around that time.”
Yoongi nods awkwardly, as if he’s thinking of what else to say.
Jungkook just nods in return, “Yeah, thanks dad.”
Yoongi correctly takes it as his cue to leave, shutting the door behind him.
Jungkook stands there for a second and throws himself on the bed. He puts the ugly green pillow over his head and screams into the ugly green linen.
He truly hates everything.
***
Lunch is awkward. Jungkook is sure his stay there is going to be an ongoing, seemingly endless, series of awkward moments, but really he has no motivation to fix that. Maybe if it's awkward enough, he'll never have to come back again.
The room is quiet except for the scraping of cutlery, the sound of chewing and the tick tack of the clock hung on the wall, hammering in seconds left until the meal is finally over. The food itself is nice, Hoseok’s a good cook, but Jungkook makes sure to acknowledge his mum’s food is better. He keeps that in mind as he eats.
At home, they watch the news during meals, casually talk about their day or some random topic that develops naturally, but there's always noise, something to fill the air. The stone dead silence just reminds Jungkook that this house is not home, that it’s not anything like home. And it’s weird, because his dad didn’t mind watching the news while they ate, and now he doesn’t even glance at the flat-screen TV that sits on the other end of the room. Maybe Hoseok doesn’t like watching the news while he eats. That assumption makes Jungkook dislike him more.
Hoseok chews slowly and carefully, his nose quirking as his jaw moves up and down in precise, almost elegant movements. Just the way he chews seems to mimic the way he does everything. His dad is much more of a casual eater, not sloppy per say, but he seems to eat more to feed himself as opposed to examining all the flavours that are mixed in the food. He eats almost mechanically, solely looking at his plate and his glass of water.
Jungkook just eats normally, looking down at his plate as he eats.
Hoseok swallows and opens his lips, yet his hand doesn’t guide any food into his mouth. He seems like he wants to say something but doesn’t know what to say. Jungkook sure hopes he’s wrong and that the older will just drop it and go back to eating.
But his hopes are dashed out of the window with the dreadful question:
“So, Jungkook, how’s school?”
His father coughs a little, but Jungkook isn’t sure if it’s due to the question or just his throat that’s irritated.
Jungkook swallows his food but doesn’t meet Hoseok’s eyes.
“It’s fine.” Jungkook hates school, would much rather spend his time making music or playing sports, but that’s too much detail to go into in an already dead conversation.
“Your dad told me you’re in sophomore year-”
“I’m a junior.” Jungkook corrects instantly, mostly because he has the just cause to defy Hoseok and it satisfies him.
“Oh,” Hoseok clears his throat. Even that seems to have a Korean accent to it. His dad somehow looks more intently at his plate, “I’m sure I just heard it wrong then. What’s your favourite subject?”
Jungkook can’t help but appreciate the elegance with which Hoseok tries to fix the mistake that lies mostly on his dad. He can’t help but be a little sad that his dad doesn’t even know what school year he’s in. Sad, but definitely not surprised.
Jungkook picks at his food and shrugs, not meeting Hoseok’s eyes as he speaks. He knows eye contact continues conversations and he really just wants this one to end, “I like sports. And music, I guess.”
Hoseok’s face lights up and he smiles. Jungkook now realises he wasn’t before but he didn’t even notice because Hoseok’s face seems to be in a permanent smile, “Really? What sports do you play?”
“Soccer. Football’s not really my thing.”
“Yeah, I agree. Never really understood the sport, if I’m honest.” Hoseok cuts his meat, “I used to play tennis in Korea.”
Hoseok has been in the States for 16 years. Hoseok lived in Korea until the age of 25 but moved to the US on an opportunity to become a dance teacher in a prestigious private dance academy. Jungkook's not sure if he still works there, and he really can't care less. According to what Hoseok has told Jungkook, which the younger hasn’t fully absorbed as Hoseok talks a lot and he doesn't really care, work in Korea was hard to find and an opportunity to work in the states couldn’t be missed. ‘ I didn’t know the language, I never even flew anywhere! But unemployment wasn’t really an option and it was an adventure. I’ve never been very adventurous, but you know.’ Jungkook can hear him say. Hoseok's voice has a way to get to get stuck in your ears even though you really don't want it to be. Hoseok told him he is happy he did it although he hates almost everything about America, including the parts that are very much present in Korea society. He said America is mostly 'Horse shit'' which Jungkook could potentially agree with Hoseok, but America is his home. He can’t really afford to hate it. He doesn’t really have anywhere else to go.
Jungkook is aware that since Hoseok is a dancer and Jungkook likes dancing and has started doing it a lot lately, it could be the perfect place to start a friendship with him. And that’s exactly why Jungkook hasn’t mentioned his dance lessons to his dad and much less to Hoseok. Jungkook doesn’t want to be Hoseok’s friend or provide a reason for them to talk or hang out. The less connection between them, the better. It's already they have to see each other sometimes. Besides, he doesn’t feel like he’s that great of a dancer and he doesn’t really want to embarrass himself. Jimin is the star dancer, and Jungkook is happy with him keeping that role.
Jungkook finally looks up, “Oh, that’s cool. I like tennis too.” Jungkook has played it once or twice, mostly because Jimin needed someone to practice with. He enjoyed it, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of Jimin or because of the game itself.
“I’m a bit rusty but we could play some time. When the sun shines, of course.” Hoseok says with finality.
Jungkook nods. He doesn’t think that was really going to happen but by now, he was used to people making promises, saying things, and not keeping them. But that actually suits him because he doesn’t really want to play tennis with Hoseok.
“And music? Do you play or sing?” Hoseok continues.
Jungkook crosses his spoon and fork, deciding he’s not very hungry anymore, “Both. I play the guitar but I mostly sing.”
“Ah, that’s really cool! I see you have talent in many things.”
“No, I’m not good at academic stuff. Like, maths and stuff.”
Hoseok chews and tilts his head, nose still quirking as he chews, “Yeah, but why does that stuff matter? You just have to focus on what you love. Sure, try to get good grades but don’t beat yourself up about. Trust me, it’s just numbers.”
His mother always says the same thing. 'They're just letters, just the alphabet. As long as you don't go around being a piece of shit, I'm happy.' His mum always says when he gets a C as opposed to the B's and A's he should be getting. And he's lucky his mum is so laid back about it but It’s hard not to care, especially when he has a friend who seems to be good at everything.
Jungkook cracks a smidgen smile nevertheless.
“I guess.”
Hoseok smiles and continues eating.
They finish their meal shortly after. Hoseok and Yoongi cleared the plates and bowls and went into the kitchen. They speak in Korean in between themselves and although Jungkook isn’t too fluent in the language, he can tell Hoseok is mad from his sharp tone which contrasts the sunny, relaxed way he usually speaks.
Jungkook wonders if there's trouble in paradise, and the thought satisfies him a little. Perhaps he's being the piece of shit his mum never wants him to be, but he can't help it.
Jungkook has never heard or seen Hoseok angry so just the sound is strange to his ears and he wishes he could understand more so he could know what it is about. He has heard his dad speak it a few times, mostly to his grandparents during phone calls, but never to his mum unless it was the occasional “I love you”. His mum doesn’t speak Korean at all and that’s the main reason why Jungkook only knows how to carry a short conversation as opposed to speaking the language fluently like Jimin and Taehyung. His dad always said that his Korean was rusty at best, but clearly being with Hoseok has made him pretty fluent again. He speaks in a much softer tone in comparison to Hoseok, but the words spill quickly from his lips.
Maybe that’s what Hoseok offers. A closer connection to home. Maybe Jungkook and his mum weren’t home enough.
Jungkook fiddles with a napkin as he thinks, cheek leaned on his palm. His eyes are pulled away from the white, wrinkled paper by a large bowl filled with green-coloured ice cream being placed in front of him with a spoon peeking from the side. He looks up and it’s his dad handing him the desert.
“It’s pistachio. I hope it’s still your favourite.” His dad speaks softly, just like he had before, but now in English. His dad always seems to speak softly, even when perhaps he shouldn’t. Jungkook remembers that was why, when he was a kid, he always seeked out his dad when he messed up because he wouldn’t shout or glare at him or threaten a spanking. He would just offer a hug, a fond look and the soft spoken words of ‘Don’t worry, Kiddo, we’ll tell mum together. Everything’s going to be fine.’
His dad was much younger back then. He had shorter, lighter hair, no glasses, his face was smoother and his eyes seemed to shine more. Jungkook looks into his dad’s eyes and doesn’t seem to make the connection between him and the man that used to comfort him in times of trouble, that provided him safety or comfort. He just doesn’t know his dad anymore.
Jungkook nods and takes the bowl, grabbing hold of the buried spoon, “Yeah, thanks.”
Yoongi nods. He looks at him for a little while, almost as if he’s supposed to say something else but then he turns and leaves. That's becoming a habit of his.
As Jungkook digs into the ice cream, he hears more angry Korean coming from the kitchen.
***
CHAT NAME: Chimmie
[21:18:50] Jungkook: hey chim
[21:18:57] Chimmie: Hey kook! How was your day?
[21:19:01] Jungkook: shit. everything is so awkward
[21:19:05] Chimmie: Really?
[21:19:16] Jungkook: yeah, jim, you don’t understand. It’s just shit. I’m already tired of being here
[21:19:30] Jungkook: they do leave me alone for the most part, but lunch and dinner are so awkward. and in the next few days i have to spend more time with them and idk how i'm going to do it
[21:19:55] Jungkook: my dad doesn’t even know what year i’m in at school like, it rly shows how much he cares for me
[21:20:06] Jungkook: i know you’ll say that we just don’t talk much and that's why but pls don’t jim
[21:20:12] Jungkook: idk i just wanna wallow in my misery for a bit
Chimmie is typing
No new messages
Chimmie is calling
Call accepted
JM: Is it really that bad?
JK: Yeah. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just wanna leave.
JM:
JK: I’m stuck with strangers, Jim. I don’t know my dad anymore. I don’t like Hoseok.
JK: I just want to be home again.
JM: Hmm.
JK:
JM:
JK: I miss you.
JM: I miss you too.
JM: It’s dumb cause I literally saw you yesterday
JM: But I miss you too.
JK: *chuckles* Is Tae giving you trouble?
JM: Nah, I can handle him. Just give him Assassin’s Creed and he’ll be entertained for a couple of hours.
JK: *snorts* He’s always had shit taste.
JM: Yeah, you can say that again.
JK: Hmm.
JM: Is there any reason why you didn’t just message the group chat?
JK: *sighs*
JK: I love Tae, I really do, he’s a cool dude. I’ve known him forever, he’s like a brother.
JM: But sometimes he says stupid shit.
JK: Exactly.
JK: You don’t say stupid shit.
JM: Oh, but I do.
JK: *smiles* Oh, when?
JM: Two seconds ago when I said I missed you
JK: ‘Missed’? What, you don’t miss anymore?
JM:
JM: I plead the fifth.
JK: *chuckles* I know you wanna go into law but now you’re just being obvious.
JM: *laughs* It’s a popular expression!
JK: *smiles* I’m sure.
JM: It is! You literally know the meaning!
JK: *laughs* Yeah, okay, I believe you!
JM:
JK:
JM: I really do miss you.
JK: I miss you too.
JK: A lot.
JM: I know. But you’ll be back soon, right?
JK: Yeah, if I survive.
JM: You will. You definitely will.
JM: Good night, Kookie.
JK: Night, night, Chimmie.
Call ended