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The room is deathly silent, except for the whirring of the fan that suddenly sounds too loud. They have both exhausted their words now, and all that’s left is an oppressive pressure that is almost a physical presence.
Sousuke had climbed up to his bunk the second they returned to the room, and Rin is all too aware of him, even in the absence of any tell-tale sounds that usually comes with his presence. Rin wants to break the silence, he does, because he has never been very patient and waiting things out has never been his strong suit.
The problem with that is he has no idea what to say. What exactly should you say when you find out that your best friend has been hiding something this big from you? Something that could potentially jeopardise the entire future you’ve both been working so hard for? He doesn’t know.
Rin shakes his head, feeling wrung dry. His eyes are still puffy from his crying jag earlier, and he feels slightly ashamed that angry tears was his first reaction to hearing the news. The volatile mix of emotions that had led him into grabbing fistfuls of Sousuke’s shirt and proceed to drip his tears all over it had gradually simmered down into a dull ache in his chest that wouldn’t go away.
The way Sousuke’s eyes looked at that moment, hollow and distant, had sent a jolt of fear through his system. Those eyes, as far as he remembers, had always been bright with something, be it laughter or challenge, ever since they were children. Seeing it hooded and dark only reinforces Rin’s unsettledness. It was like something out of a nightmare, where everything that was familiar and safe suddenly turns dangerous and wrong.
Rin stands up and pulls himself up the bunk ladder in one quick movement. He catches the look of surprise on Sousuke’s face before he schools it back into a careful blankness, and it frustrates Rin a little because Sousuke’s never tried to hide his expressions from Rin before. Or maybe he has, who knows. After all, he did manage to keep this whole thing from Rin all this time.
When Sousuke came back into his life, they had fallen right back into their old rhythms, fistbumps and throwdowns and shared little jokes in class. They had just seemed to fit, still, after all this time, and maybe that let Rin forget the chasm of five long years separating them. It seemed like Sousuke could still read Rin as well as ever, so Rin had assumed that the same goes for him. Stupid.
Sousuke is looking at him warily, like he doesn’t know what to expect. Rin moves on instinct, climbing fully into the cramped bunk, making Sousuke scramble back to avoid his limbs knocking into Rin’s. They sit in silence for a while, face to face, until the tension that is coiled tight around them unwinds little by little.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Rin offers up into the silence. It was the same question he asked earlier, desperate and angry, only now he means it as a genuine question, not an accusation.
“I didn’t want anyone to know,” Sousuke says, his voice quiet. “The looks, the pity, I just…I didn’t want to deal with that. Not yet.”
“Sousuke…”
“I have one more year, yeah? One more year to swim the way I want to, a year to swim with you. I’m not letting it go to waste,” Sousuke says, and the determined glint in his eyes now is familiar.
“You shouldn’t…you should be looking after yourself,” Rin chides, trying to be gentle. “You shouldn’t be swimming recklessly like this.”
Sousuke laughs, bitter and humourless and so, so different from the laugh Rin is familiar with that it makes his chest constrict painfully.
“Even if I get better, and that’s a big if,” Sousuke raises a hand, forestalling Rin’s interruption. “Even if my shoulder heals, I’m never going to be able to swim like this again. I am never going to be as fast as I was, ever again. So I just…I want to make the most of it.”
Sousuke slumps forward slightly, head bowed. There are lines of tiredness on his face, and Rin wants to touch, to smooth them away like he can make it better. He is suddenly, desperately guilty. How had he not known? I want to swim more. This isn’t enough, those were Sousuke’s words after the relay. Rin had sensed something wrong then, but he never imagined… Why, why hadn’t he seen it sooner -
“Don’t,” Sousuke’s voice breaks into his thoughts.
“Don’t blame yourself. I didn’t want you to know. It’s not…” he stops, shaking his head wearily. “It’s my fault anyway, for being such an idiot. I trained too much, pushed myself too hard. Didn’t listen to anyone.”
Rin is helpless, listening to the raw scape of Sousuke’s voice. Wanting to do something, anything, he reaches out and places a hand on Sousuke’s knee. He feels a shiver at the touch, even through the fabric of his pants, and looks up to see if he’s crossing any lines. Sousuke’s eyes are shut, and the open vulnerability in his expression breaks Rin’s heart.
“I wanted to be good enough to swim with you again, when you came back,” Sousuke’s voice gets even quieter, and Rin’s throat feels too tight. “You were away, getting better every day, and I had to do the same. I wasn’t going to be left behind.”
Rin’s hand tightens on Sousuke’s knee, to a point where he’s sure that it’s painful, but he can’t make himself let go. It is their only point of contact, and he’s not sure what he’d do if he loses it.
“I’ve been thinking about it for years. Even if you didn’t write to me anymore, even if you found someone better to swim with, I still want to swim with you. Just for a while. Until I have to stop, or…until you go away again.”
Rin can’t breathe. He feels like he’s been sucker punched and he can’t get enough air. He has a million things he wants to say. Sorry, he is so so sorry, and you are important and please, please be okay. He cannot get any of them out, though, and he ends up clutching at Sousuke’s shirtfront and using it to tug him closer.
Some surprise sparks in Sousuke’s eyes, but he goes along with it easily, letting Rin pull at him until their legs are tangling and his head rests on Rin’s collarbone. Rin can feel his breath, warm against his skin. Rin curls a hand behind his neck, and drops his head to rest on Sousuke’s hair.
It’s too much, too intimate a touch, nothing close to anything they’ve ever shared before. But Sousuke isn’t objecting, and Rin can feel the steady thump of Sousuke’s pulse beneath his palm. This is exactly what he needs right now, this closeness, the warm and solid weight of his friend, so he lets it be and concentrates on remembering how to breathe properly.
His hand is inexorably drawn to Sousuke’s injured shoulder, and he rests it there lightly, barely a touch at all. It twitches towards his touch, Sousuke silently asking for more. Carefully, with his heart in his throat, Rin presses his fingers into the shoulder, firm but trying so very hard to be gentle. Beneath him, Sousuke lets out a pleased exhale, pressing his forehead into Rin’s clavicle.
“We should sleep,” Sousuke’s voice eventually says, muffled but clear, “we have practice tomorrow.”
Practice. Rin’s stomach drops, not wanting to think of what that will bring, the decisions he will have to make. At the moment, he would gladly relinquish his captaincy if it meant that somebody else would get that burden.
Sousuke pulls away, and Rin immediately misses the warmth. He flicks a finger against Rin’s forehead. “Stop thinking so hard. That can wait until tomorrow.”
Rin makes a soft noise of agreement, but he doesn’t move from his spot. His limbs feel heavy and leaden, he’s comfortable here and he doesn’t want to climb back down to crawl into his own bed.
Sousuke, as usual, can read him like a book. He lays down on his pillow, shifts around until he’s comfortable, and motions for Rin to get closer. Rin hesitates, just for a second, and the next thing he knows, he is being tugged down - gently, so very gently - until his head is resting on Sousuke’s arm.
Rin tilts his face up, just a little, and oh. There it is, Sousuke’s eyes, bright bright blue like sunlight reflecting off the sea and as unreal as a dream. At this distance, it feels like they are all he can see. Sousuke’s entire face has softened, and the fondness in his gaze makes Rin want to hide. At the same time, something swells in his chest, light as air and hot enough to burn. He really is an idiot, Rin thinks to himself. This is how Sousuke looks at him all the time, how could he have possibly missed that?
“Mmm, go to sleep, Rin,” he says, his voice sending shivers down Rin’s spine.
Rin gives up on maintaining any level of distance, and shifts until his face is pressed to Sousuke’s chest, feeling his pleased laugh with his entire body. He is on the verge of drifting off to sleep, when he hears Sousuke speak again, soft and hushed.
“We’re going to win nationals, Rin, and I’m going to help you get there. I’ll be in your precious relay, every step of the way, and you’ll shine brighter than ever. I’ll even break out that promise of mine if I have to.”
Rin squeezes his eyes shut, too many emotions racing through him to respond. This isn’t over, this is far from over. In the morning, there will be things to be decided, arguments to be made, but just for tonight, he is content to stay here, like this. This is enough.
Eventually, Sousuke’s breaths evens out and Rin can count each rise and fall of his chest. He falls asleep that way, and slips into a dream of wide golden beaches and a familiar, brilliant blue.