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jungkook had a crush on namjoon for as long as he could remember.
ever since the first time they met the boy had been enamored at the sight of the tall handsome rapper. his heart beating faster when his clammy hands shook his.
he had tried to hold it back and after a lot of time it seemed to work more or less. less when namjoon went out on dates and more when he gave him a sad smile and said that no, he wasn't seeing anyone at the moment. it wasn't too suspicious, after all as their fame grew, so did work and they barely had time for anything else.
it was suspicious, however, the glances he sneaked when namjoon wasn't looking. how he couldn't help but smile at the sight of him and the thoughts that came to him whenever he couldn't sleep at night.
he had thought about it a million times, rehearsed it a billion, and yet he couldn't find the courage in him to actually do it. he had seen jimin and taehyung acting a tad too flirty in front of them more times than he could count. his heart ached at the sight of it, he wished it were that easy.
he wished he wouldn't feel bad for his feelings whenever namjoon was so good and kinda towards him, and he for a second believed he might have a chance. whenever the man would hear the words "role model" leaving jungkook's mouth the younger could swear there was a shine on his eyes, followed by the most beautiful smile he ever saw.
namjoon always tried to be good, do better, try harder, do good by him. this fact alone crushed jungkook's hearts to pieces and he wished he could handle all of them to him.
he wondered how namjoon would react if he told him. would he be disgusted? sad or uncomfortable? would he pity him or act cold towards the boy. or offer his kindness only breaking jungkook's heart further?
or maybe, he would feel the same. maybe he would turn to him and cry because he too spent hours thinking about running his hands through his soft hair while jungkook leaned into his touch. he too couldn't wait to find out how soft the boy's lips were against his. how good it would feel when they finally kissed, the feeling not even comparing to what he imagined. maybe jungkook wasn't the only one to feel more alone when they cuddled because even though he held him in his arms his warmth didn't reach him. namjoon wasn't his.
but that would be silly. there's no way namjoon would like him in the same way. it didn't matter the way he looked at him when they were alone, with his eyes so honest it made jungkook avoid his gaze. it was filled with longing, desire and hurt.
jungkook's first rule to avoid heartbreak, and in the worst case scenario a disband, was to no create false hopes or expectations. and so that was what he did, over and over again overlooking the small signs.
maybe in another occasion, another circumstance, another life it would work out. maybe it wasn't meant to.
he tried no to think about it. whenever the thought occurred to him, he'd take a deep breath and wait for the tears on his eyes to disappear.
he knew he was lucky, so lucky indeed to be able to see namjoon every day. to see him after he woke up and before going to bed. to hear his words, to have conversations with him, to be able to peek inside his being and seeing how gorgeous he was on his core.
it could be enough, he knew. still, he wished for more.
when it finally happened it was unexpected and in none of the scenarios jungkook had scripted.
it was 3:23 am. jungkook remembered it vividly because his eyes were trained on the clock as if to check if time was passing by, if they were in the real world. that being said, jungkook wasn't exactly sober. neither was namjoon.
everyone else had gone to sleep. only the two of them left on the living room, still lit by the cold light of the lamp on the ceiling. jungkook didn't like it, didn't like the color it casted on them, for some reason it felt wrong.
he stood up to turn it off, only leaving the light from the kitchen dimly lighting the room. this felt better, he liked how it shaded the empty bottles and glasses left by the other boys. he liked how namjoon looked on it. cheeks flushed, hair uneven and a comfortable energy surrounding them.
jungkook sat back down again, this time beside namjoon. the older didn't seem to hesitate for one second before putting his arm around his shoulders. jungkook leaned in, pretending everything was okay for a second before having to deal with real life.
"have you ever been in love?"
namjoon's voice didn't sound like his. his tone was low and intimate and jungkook thought he might be hallucinating for a second.
"once. have you?"
jungkook's throat seemed to close up all of a sudden, the words coming off him with difficulty along with the fear of being found out.
"i think so. i think i'm in love."
jungkook felt physical pain at the words. he felt his eyes fill with tears and this time he didn't fight them. they flowed down his face, and he let his head rest on namjoon's chest while the man continued his speech.
"this person just... grew in my heart so gently it took me a while to realize how much they mean to me. and i mean not in a platonic way."
namjoon's hand moved to pet jungkook's hair and the older took a deep breathe before proceeding.
"i started to notice how much i wanted this person to admire me, to want to be near me and hear what i have to say. because i want all these things from them. i realized how broken i would feel without them here and how in pain i would be if their heart belonged to someone else."
jungkook understood, of course he did.
"but that's not what love is about. the reason why i love them is that they always manage to make my day brighter. they're always there for me and i'm always there for them. there is nothing that warms my heart as to see them smiling because of me."
jungkook's pain seemed to ease for some reason. here he was, listening to namjoon while they cuddled and his hair was being petted. was there really a reason for sadness?
"it just hurts because there is nothing i want more than to reach out, to hold their hand and to hug and feel them with me. there are times i want to kiss them so bad and i can't."
jungkook gathered the courage to untagle himself from namjoon's arms and look at him.
"if only i could tell him how i feel. if i could tell him i see so many stars on his eyes and whenever i seem to lose hope he's my sign that not all is lost."
now it was namjoon's turn to be on the verge of tears. his eyes never hesitating, looking straight and jungkook's, almost as if he could see his soul laid bare for him.
"if only you knew."
jungkook didn't mediate the words that were about to leave his mouth, as he was somewhat grateful for that.
"i have loved you long before i knew what love was."
with that, namjoon's face seemed to light up and his cry to finally burst. jungkook couldn't hold back either, neither the laughter or the tears. he was so happy and so relieved and afraid this might be a dream.
his hands moved to namjoon's face, feeling his skin under his fingertips. its warmth along with the tears that were following down and he knew that, yes, this was real life.
"i love you too. i love you with my whole being, i love you so much i can't imagine my l-"
jungkook couldn't wait for him to finish, it had been so long, this was finally happening.
their lips touched ever so gently, only getting to know each other. they were soft, namjoon smelled alcohol and so did jungkook but they both didn't mind. there was nothing that could get them as drunk as each other.
taking their time, they opened their mouths and namjoon's grip on jungkook's waist solidified, almost as if he were afraid the boy would run away from him.
their tongues touched and jungkook had never felt so alive, while at the same time still wondering if it ws a dream. they kissed, calmly as if this kiss hadn't been the thing they both were so hungry for all these years.
the feeling was unmatched to anything. finally getting to touch each other, opening their hearts and not being afraid of becoming one.
when they stopped kissing jungkook looked at namjoon's face as if seeing him on a new light, or in the light he had always seen but being honest about it. namjoon looked back at him as if he was the most precious thing in the entire world.
"we should go to sleep. it almost 4 am."
jungkook agreed. he wanted more, he wanted everything each other had to offer, but he knew tonight was just the beginning. they had so much time to spare.
for the first time they cuddled and namjoon's warmth engulfed jungkook and reached his heart.
for the first time namjoon's heart didn't ache for he had the love of his life on his arms, his jungkook. what more could he ask for?