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I cannot remember when I started feeling this way for my best friend. All I know is that as time goes by, she became more and more significant in my life. I remember meeting her at the airport. As if by fate, we sat beside each other, talked about why we were on our way to Korea, turns out we’re going to the same agency.
Momo shared her pain with me as I shared mine with her. We were each other’s solid rock. We’ve shared more memories than I have shared with my cousins. And that says a lot because I’m close with my family.
But how come I’m currently the only one feeling like this? Why is it that I’m the only one trying to decipher if we’re more than friends or just plain close friends. We’ve been dancing inside that grey area for as long as I can remember. And I’ve slept with that thought inside my head countless times already.
Just like now, I’m currently writing lyrics for our new mini album but for some reason, Momo decides to take a random stroll at the nearest park.
“Sana-ya, please come with me,” she says. Being weak to her demands, I put the notebook down and grab the coat hanging on the rack. Her face lights up and she pulls me out of the room. Jeongyeon eyes us from the living room, looking at our entwined fingers. I know she’ll probably talk to me soon but I know she means well.
We go out of the dorm and walk towards the park, “If we get photographed by the press, it’s all on you, Momo.”
Her chuckle makes me want to protect her as long as I breathe, “Relax. We’ve never been caught, right?” her fingers play with mine inside her coat’s pocket. “I just needed a breather.”
“You could have invited Jeong. She’s just lazing around the living room,” I tell her.
Momo shakes her head, “It’s different when I’m with you, Satang. You know that right?”
My heart swells.
“I know. How can I forget? You remind me every time,” I whisper. Momo turns around and flashes a soft smile.
“You know my heart, right?” Ah.. there it is again. The same line I say to our fans. The first person to ever hear that line was her. I always tell her that whenever she feels sad or when she’s nervous about something. She instantly calms down and smiles again, just like now.
Momo goes to the swing and sits on it. She looks up at the sky and stares at the moon, “Momo, are we still dancing?” I ask her. She gives me a solemn look before shaking her head.
“Our music seems to be fading out, don’t you think so too, Sana?” she replies softly. No. I don’t think our music is fading out. The beat of it is still as loud as the beating of my heart whenever we touch.
“I haven’t heard the chorus yet,” I crouch down and make her look at me again. One hand on hers while the other is on her chin, “I still haven’t sang my part yet. Why is it fading away already?”
“Sana, haven’t we been dancing on the same song for years already? We’ve waltz, swayed, and gave in to every beat and how come we still haven’t made up a title for this song we’ve been singing?” she leans her forehead against mine. “I want the song to last.”
“So do I,” I whisper.
“We do what we must to make this last,” I feel her lips upon mine. My first kiss. Her first kiss. Our first kiss. It isn’t like the usual kiss where there is an urge to move. Where it is not enough. For me, this is what I’ve ever dreamed of. Soft, sweet, and beautiful lips. Momo, how I’ve always wanted to kiss her. I’ve been in situations where I would have the guts to do so but I back out the last minute because I’m scared how she will react. Or maybe I was just afraid that I might lose her in a snap. Then again, I’ve always been afraid of how fast she can slip away from my grasp.
She parts our lips and looked into my eyes with the emotions I am sure the same as my eyes project. “You’ll always be my best friend, Satang.”
Those words hurt.
I nod and bite my lip, “Best friend. Will that be my label forever, Momo?”
“Don’t do this,” she laughs nervously. “We’ll be better like this, Sana. You know that.”
“You will be. How about me?” I take a step back, not believing her words. How could she! How could she do this! “You can’t kiss me and tell me I’m your best friend, Momo! Best friends don’t kiss!”
“It’s because before the kiss, I never saw you as one. I had to do it, Sana! I need to break us both so we can go on and stop this whatever it is between us!” Momo’s voice starts to break. Same as my heart.
“Momo, best friends don’t kiss. We were okay the way we were before you kissed me and then proclaimed that I’m your best friend! We were okay like that! Me loving you while you act dumb and we pretend we don’t know what we’re doing! Hell, friends don’t do overseas and take girlfriend pictures, Momo! Friends don’t break each other’s heart!” my voice raises with the wave of frustration running through my veins.
“Sana, I see you as a friend. My best friend. You may be my soulmate but I’m choosing where we will last,” Momo stands and cups my face, “Sana-ya, I can’t lose you. I’m making this decision so I can have you for as long as I can. Sana,” she cries. “You know I can’t possibly be without you. I’d rather have you as someone I cannot be with than not having you at all.”
Breaking my heart doesn’t seem enough for Momo. She tore even my soul apart.
“Selfish. How selfish can you be, Momo?” my tears threaten to fall but I hold it in. I don’t want to make myself weak. God damn it. Why didn’t I date Nayeon-unnie when I had the chance. “I can’t believe this.”
“Please, don’t change. Don’t make any changes on how you treat me. I want us normal. I want us to be the way we usually are. Sana, I can’t lose you,” she cries continuously. How is she so selfish to wish for that. How dumb of me to actually consider.
I take Momo between my arms and calm her down. Yes, I am the dumbest in the world, “I won’t. I will always be your Sana, Momo.” I’ll try my best to not love you more than I should. If there is even home for that.
Returning to the dorm, we don’t hold hands. We don’t speak. But she remains close, just like how she was before. I wonder how can she act like this after breaking both of our hearts. I wonder how can she ask me to not leave after she made a fool out of me. But most of all, I wonder how I can still love her despite all the broken pieces of me she made.
Momo goes straight to their room just as Jeongyeon goes out. Our eyes meet, she points to the secret balcony we have. We meet there and she immediately opens her arms. I crash down her hug and release all the tears I’ve been holding back since the talk. “Shh, I’m here, Sana. Do you want me to talk to Momo?”
“No, just let her be. Pretty sure she’s hurting too,” I say between the sobs. Jeongyeon sighs and pats my head, “She said she wants whatever it is to make us last. Is that even an excuse, Jeongyeon? Is that even a valid excuse to hurt me?!” I cry louder.
“What you feel is valid. Whatever she’s feeling is valid. Our feelings should never be invalidated but that doesn’t mean we can invalidate others’ feelings because of ours. I can’t explain her decisions but I can give you a shoulder to cry on, Sana-ya,” she whispers and hugs me tighter.
“It hurts,” I tell her.
“I know. It means you really love her. And I understand why you’re hurting so much right now,” she calms me down. “Wanna leave?”
“Where will we go?”
“My house. You can cry there. There’s unlimited booze, all the soundproof room you’ll need. You want that?” she smiles softly and clears the hair away from my face. I nod, “But after tonight, you’ll be back to normal, okay? At least, in front of the others. After everyone is asleep, I’ll be here so you can cry again, alright?”
I hug her tighter and say, “Thank you so much, Jeongyeon.”
“You know I only want the best for everyone,” she says.
That night, Jeongyeon brought me to her house. I drank all the alcohol I could, threw up, drank some more, cried a lot, screamed a lot, and Jeongyeon did nothing but listen to me. For a reason I am not even sure of.
The next few months, I tried my hardest to pretend that everything’s okay. After every schedule, I’d meet Jeongyeon at the balcony and she’ll listen to me cry. It happened for weeks until I found myself not crying anymore. More of, Jeongyeon and I talk about a lot of things during the nights when we’re both sleepless. I’ve never bonded with Jeongyeon too much before but now I understand why Momo never wants to part beds with her. Jeongyeon is an absolute keeper. Maybe that’s why Minari fell in love.
It’s during the fourth month when Momo suddenly asked me to drive her somewhere. “Sana, please? I just don’t have anyone else to ask.”
“Where exactly are we going, Momo?” I question as I get Jeongyeon’s car keys.
“Why are you taking Jeongyeon’s car?” she suddenly asks.
“Because Jeongyeon said I’m free to use her car anytime. Besides, she’s out shopping with her mom,” I say. I head towards the garage of the apartment duplex and open the passenger door for her. “Where to?”
She gives me an address in the middle of Gangnam. I drive quietly, thinking of where we’re going and why we’re going there. “Just here,” she breaks the silence.
“Who…” I look out the window and see Heechul going out of the house, “Momo, what the hell?”
“No one will know! Sana, pick me up after three hours, okay? I’m counting on you!” she rushes out of the car and goes inside the house. Not even looking back at me. I grip the steering wheel and feel the hot tears falling.
All this time, I’m still in love with her and she’s already dating someone. She didn’t even tell me.
I reach out my phone and call Jeongyeon, “Hello?”
“Jeong?” I manage to utter.
“Fuck,” she spits, “Where are you?” I tell her the address and she says, “Stay where you are, Sana.”
The line comes to an end and I rest my head against the steering wheel, crying. A few minutes more and someone knocks on the window. I see Jeongyeon’s worried face wearing a tired smile. I unlock the door and she opens the driver’s seat.
“Scoot towards the passenger seat, Sana. I’ll drive,” I follow her words. With struggle, I managed to go to the passenger seat, “Now, let’s grab some cotton candies,” she starts the engine and drives.
“H-How..” I didn’t finish my sentence.
“Don’t ask, I ran, okay?” she answers while driving. “How can you expect me to not panic when the first thing I hear after receiving a text that you’ll use my car is you crying?! I swear to God, I think I lost a year's worth of life!”
With Jeongyeon scolding me, all I could do is to laugh, “Thank you,” I tell her.
“What?”
“For being a kind friend,” she looks at me and fixes my hair.
“You know I only want what’s best,” Jeongyeon takes me to a cotton candy parlour. She made me tell her what happened. She explained how that was a dick move from Momo.
“Jeongyeon, I’m still her best friend. I think she just wants to have someone drop her there,” I try to reason out.
“Momo’s dating Heechul. She knows you’re in love with her. She knows you’ll do anything she asks you to. Which infuriates me because she’s using your feelings to her advantage!” Jeongyeon slams the steering wheel.
Just as if on cue, my phone rings, “M-Momo?”
“Sana-ya! Are you on the way here? It’s been three hours!” Jeongyeon takes the phone from me.
“Ya, Hirai! Hail a cab for all I care! Ask Heechul to drop you off! We’re writing lyrics and you’re distracting her!” she ends the call and turns off my phone.
“Jeong! Momo needs someone to pick her up!” I yell.
“Seriously? After what she did, you’ll pick her up?! Fine. But if you do, use someone else’s car! I won’t let tears fall inside this car. This is mine. I only want a happy Sana here!” Jeongyeon gets out of the car. Good thing we’re in a somehow not crowded place.
I follow Jeongyeon and pull her coat, “Sorry.”
“Sana, I only want things to be okay. I can’t have you crying every night again. I don’t want that. I hate seeing anyone cry. If possible, I’d take all the sufferings of everyone,” she explains softly.
I hug her and bury my face in the crook of her neck, “I’m sorry.” My tears fall once again. Why can’t I stop crying? Why can’t I stop loving Momo even if I’m too broken for my own good.
“You can’t torture yourself forever,” Jeongyeon holds my hand and pulls me back inside the car. “We’ll go home. You will rest. I’ll ask Nayeon-unnie to swap beds with me tonight. I’ll watch you sleep,” I couldn’t do anything but nod.
We get back at the dorm with Momo’s frown welcoming me.
“I expected you to keep your words,” she says.
“I was in a middle of something,” I tell her. She scuffs and rolls her eyes.
“Keep your attitude, Momo. I didn’t let Sana go,” Jeongyeon goes in between us and pulls me away.
“So much for not changing,” Momo whispers. She walks away to the opposite direction.
Inside our room, Jeongyeon throws me clothes, “Get changed. We will rest. Tomorrow, we will stay together as well.” She sits beside me and smiles, “I won’t leave until you’re whole again, Sana-ya.”
After a week, Momo corners me in the kitchen. Jeongyeon’s in a recording session and I just got home. “You seem to be forgetting that I’m your best friend. Not Jeongyeon, Sana.”
“You have Heechul, I shouldn’t get in between you two,” I drink my water and face her. “I’m just trying to live by without having to depend on you for happiness, Momo.”
Her face softens, “Sana, what went wrong? You said you’ll always be there for me.”
“Momo, you know my feelings for you so damn well. I can’t possibly act okay while you fall in love with someone else,” I take a deep breath, “Momo, I love you. I’ve been in love with you since we’re fifteen. I’ve been loving you even up to this moment. I got my heart broken because of you. I still managed to love you with the broken pieces. I still get crushed just by seeing you smile for someone else. How do you expect me to smile at you after what happened that night? How do you want me to react every time you say someone else’s name when all I want is for you to say mine?”
“Sana..”
My tears fall, “Momo, I have been nothing but a mess ever since that night. Did you ever think of how I’d feel? How I am feeling when you ask me favors about your boyfriend? I say okay because I promised you that I will try. I’m trying. I’ve been trying so damn hard. But it hurts,” my voice cracks, “It hurts so much because you never wanted to lose me. But Momo, I-I lost you!”
“I’m sorry, Sana,” is all she says.
“If only I could go back to the start and just unmeet you. Just stop myself from loving you to save myself from this damn misery, I would. But I’m no God, Momo. I can’t. I can’t unlove you overnight. Hell, I don’t even know if it’s possible to not love you after all the shit I’ve felt. Because trust me, I wish nothing but to go back to the time I only see you as a friend but I can’t! And it’s so hard. It’s too hard, it’s too painful. How can you smile at someone when you left me like this? Broken and unable to even love myself?
“Sana, I never wanted to hurt you like this,” she tries to hold my hand but I turn around and run towards the door. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. I want to tap out. “Sana!”
Across the street, I see Jeongyeon, “Jeongyeon-ah!” I cry out loud and run.
“Sana, wait!!” I hear Jeongyeon’s voice shouting from the top of her lungs.
That’s the last thing I heard before everything went black.
_______________________________________________________________________
“Momo-ya! Get up! It’s time for our schedule!” I hear Sana’s voice by the door, “Nayeon-unnie, wake up!” I see Jeongyeon already packing stuff for the other members.
“Good morning, Sana-ya.” she greets Sana. Sana smiles brightly, as brightly as before.
“Good morning, Jeongyeonnie!” she wraps her arms around Jeongyeon who tries to push her away, “Let me kiss!!” Sana insists but Jeongyeon resists.
“Alright, I’m up,” I say. Sana looks at me and smiles. My heart burns in regret as I see a scar on her forehead. I look at her with sad eyes.
“Morning, Momo!” she jumps up and goes towards the other room where Jihyo and the others are.
“Too late for regret, if I may say,” Jeongyeon says. Her back turned on me, “Sana doesn’t remember whatever it is that happened. She doesn’t remember loving you. I guess breaking her to the point of causing an accident as big as that really gives you a ton weight of regret, huh? But at least she got her wish. She had a chance to start again. With a clean slate. With no feelings.”
I feel my tears fall.
Jeongyeon turns around and smiles kindly, “Oh. I must have been speaking my mind. Don’t mind me. Just get ready and we have a music video to shoot.”
I look at my hands. I see the blood that used to be there. Sana’s blood on my hands as I held her unconscious. Jeongyeon pushed me away and rushed her to the hospital. The group went on hiatus for almost a year.
Sana?
Sana suffered selective amnesia.
She forgot about us. About her status. She forgot about me.
Jeongyeon helped her though. But Jeongyeon also warned me to not go too near for Sana deserves a chance to be happy.
And she does.
Sana deserves to be happy.
Even without me.
True enough, I didn’t lose Sana.
But Sana lost me. She lost every memory of me she had before I broke her heart. All the happy memories of me and her are now all just alive inside me.