Chapter Text
Chapter I: Already Gone
-Sleeping At Last-
“Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive”
-
It hasn’t changed a bit.
Jinhwan takes a deep breath and softly presses his eyes close. He tightened his grip from his luggage handle before slowing down his steps going outside the arrival area. It’s been a while since he left Seoul, and now here he is breathing the Seoul air he misses so much.
His eyes scan the area when the automatic slide door opens. He is looking for one man. Someone he is expecting to welcome him with a warm tight hug and an annoyingly cute ‘I miss you’.
There he is. Jinhwan says in his head.
He flashes a wide smile as he walks towards the tall man who is almost running to his direction too.
“Hyung!” A bright smiling man shouts.
Jinhwan can see his eyes through his sunglass. The man wraps him around his arms tightly he is almost out of breath.
“Hyung! I miss you! I’m so happy you come back!”
“Ya! I can’t breathe.” Jinhwan slightly taps out the young man’s back to signal him.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I am just so happy to see you again.” Jinhwan can see a little tear forming in the younger’s eyes.
“Me too, Yunhyeong-ah. Thank you for picking me up today. I didn’t want to bother you but—” His words are cut short because Yunhyeong immediately speaks.
“Hyung, I’m so glad you called me. Wow, it’s really been what? —”
“Five... It’s been 5 long years, Yunhyeong-ah. But Seoul hasn’t changed a bit and either do you. Why are you wearing fancy clothes and a… sunglass? I am supposed to look like someone who just got back, not you.”
Jinhwan teases him looking Yunhyeong intently from head to toe. Yunhyeong is wearing a denim jacket with his black inner shirt and black pants completed with his gold Rolex wrist watch and Gucci handbag.
“Hyung! Of course, I want to brag myself.” Yunhyeong says and he slowly leans forward to whisper on Jinhwan.
“I am a commercial model now. I don’t want people to recognize me that’s why I wear this.” He explains and pointed his sunglass as disguise.
Jinhwan airily laughs before answering. “You are already making it obvious, Yunhyeong-ah.”
“That’s what I’m saying, hyung. Haha! Anyway, let’s go. I know you’re tired from your flight.” Yunhyeong reaches Jinhwan’s luggage and helps him push it.
“Japan is not that far Yunhyeong-ah. I can go home after we catch up. How about we have lunch first before you drop me home?”
“Deal.”
---
Jinhwan fondly staring outside the window enjoying the sceneries passing by his eyes. Japan is beautiful, but being home is much prettier, he thinks. He almost regrets running away five years ago. He doesn’t think his younger self would be that coward only to find himself away and lonely. If only he could have been braver, there would be a huge difference in the last 5 years. Who knows? He might have been living a happy life with…his lover.
Jinhwan’s train of thoughts is interrupted when Yunhyeong breaks the silence.
“How’s Japan, Hyung? Is it that good? It took you 5 years to come home. I almost thought you’d never come back.”
As usual, Yunhyeong is still nosy as ever which makes him smile. He turns his head to his narcissistic best friend and replies.
“It’s good. Really nice. Noona was so happy to see me there back then.”
“I heard she went back here 3 years ago. I thought you’re coming with her, but you did not. Why? Do you plan to live there for good?” Yunhyeong glances at him before focusing back his eyes on the road.
“I…I thought I would.” Jinhwan hesitantly answers.
“Then, why did you come back? I mean I am happy of course. I just thought, you won’t.”
Jinhwan feels heavy in his chest with Yunhyeong’s question. He motions his head back to look outside the window. After a minute of silence, he speaks.
“I know. I thought so too.” Softly, he answers.
Why am I even here again? Jinhwan asks in his mind.
--
“Having a commercial model best friend has its perks. I can eat expensive steak anytime I want.” Jinhwan teases while enjoying his well-done beef steak.
There’re so much Korean dishes on the table too. Since he misses it so much, he requested everything he can eat as per Yunhyeong’s advice.
“I am only doing this today since it’s your first day here in Korea in 5 years. The next time we have lunch, it’s your treat. You should pay me back for leaving your best friend behind 5 years ago.” Yunhyeong points at him pretending to be a little upset about what happened which he totally understands.
“I don’t earn as much as you, Yunhyeong-ah.” He states while savoring the soup and the kimchi.
“I doubt it. Seiyeon Noona is so generous. I bet she compensate you more than just her business manager. You’re her baby brother after all.”
Jinhwan lets out a sharp sigh and smiles at Yunhyeong for bringing up the ‘baby brother’ thing again knowing he hates it.
“Ya. It has been 5 years, stop calling me her baby brother. I am not. Okay?” He tries to sound annoyed. “And I am jobless person as we speak so I need you to help me find any job I can do.” He adds.
“Who comes back in Korea without any plans? It’s not like you, hyung. You are always the organized one, clumsy at times for sure, but you always have everything laid out in order.” Yunhyeong responds and sips on his white wine.
“I know…I know.” Jinhwan answers in his softest voice.
“I can recommend you to be a product model too, what do you think?” Yunhyeong offers him an option.
“Really? Do you believe I can make the cut?” Jinhwan asks.
“Hyung, I know I’m more handsome than you, but yeah. Of course!”
They both laugh at Yunhyeong’s comment because they both feel nostalgic about how they tease each other like it hasn’t been 5 years.
After their 5-year-worth of catching up, Yunhyeong drops Jinhwan to her sister’s house. That was where he lived before when her sister settled down in Seoul and he was still studying. It is empty for 5 years since he moved to Japan to follow his sister.
“Thank you, Yunhyeong-ah.” Jinhwan sweetly smiles at his friend now standing in front of his doorstep with him.
“Are you sure you don’t want help in cleaning the house?” He asks.
“No. It’s okay. I don’t want to labor you when you have a shoot tonight. I already took up too much of your time.” Jinhwan sincerely replies.
“Hyung, I can ditch 1 or 2 shoots for you. I don’t want to miss any chances. You might leave…again.”
Yunhyeong’s sad voice sends invisible needles pricking his chest. He can tell how gloomy his friend looks right now.
“I won’t leave without telling you first. I promise.”
Jinhwan is caught off guard as Yunhyeong hugs him tightly again. He almost wants to cry because he truly misses his best friend so much. But he holds himself because he hates it when he cries in front of anyone.
“Off you go now. You have to rest before your shoot.” He breaks the hug and bids his goodbye before unlocking his main door.
He takes a deep breath before turning the knob and pushes the door open. It really is empty and feels so empty. He turns on the lights and memories flood in his head as the interior of their house welcomes him. The furniture is covered with white large cloth. He can almost breathe the dust in and the smell of the house reminds him that it has been 5 years. He never thought he’d come back again.
He starts to settle his luggage first in his room and changes to his comfortable clothes. He sharply sighs as his eyes skim the entire house. He rolls up his sleeves, put his long hair in a bun, and starts the general cleaning. He uncovered the sofa first and all other furniture with the white cloth and sweeps the entire living room and kitchen. He scrubs the floor, the walls, and even cleaned up the ceiling full of spiderwebs. His sweat is dripping down his face and chest as he looks for their old vacuum cleaner. He finds it in the storage room and checks if he can still use it. He plugs the power and presses the on button.
“There you go.” He utters when the vacuum finally works. He is almost done vacuuming the living room when he hears the doorbell ringing.
His eyebrows knit when he sees that mailman in front of their gate. He puts aside the vacuum and confusedly walks outside.
“Hi, Sir. Are you Kim Jinhwan?” The man in his late 20s asks.
“U-uhm…Yes.” He answers still dazed.
“There’s a scheduled letter for you, Sir. Can you receive it and sign here please?” Jinhwan still hasn’t grasp the situation but signs the electronic machine the man showed him.
“W-wait, are you sure this is mine? Is it really addressed here? Do scheduled mails even works until now?” He asks simultaneously.
The man scratches the back of his head before answering him. “Yes, Sir. I am just a deliveryman. I deliver it to the address written there.”
He awkwardly bows and smiles as the man rides back his motorcycle and flees from the main gate.
Jinhwan tilts his head left and right still contemplating what the mail could be. He is trying to think hard whether he sent his self a letter before. He isn’t expecting anything to be sent out to his address since everyone who knew him already knew he flew to Japan. Even…him probably knew.
He takes a seat on the newly cleaned sofa and breaths deeply before tearing the envelop. He is feeling weird just opening the envelop and he doesn’t know why.
His hand stops, and he feels cold sweat on his face when he sees the first few words written. His chest tightens and his breathing shallows. He bites his lower lip and he looks away for a second before placing his gaze back to the letter.
His stomach churns when his eyes see when the letter was dated.
June 1, 2014
He immediately reaches his phone from the small table and checks the date. His heart aches when he remembers what’s the meaning of the date.
June 1, 2019. Today is exactly 5 years ago… Jinhwan says in the back of his mind.
He takes another deep breath to calm himself before continuing his reading. Though he is feeling mixed emotion about the letter, he bites his lower lip a little harder to get himself together.
June 1, 2014
Hi Babe.
First things first, this is awkward. I never thought that I can write such thing. It’s been a tough journey for us, huh? Sorry for being a constant pain in the ass. LOL. I thought of writing this after me and Hanbin talked earlier. He asked me if I know what is the ‘5 by 5 rule’, and I said no. So, he explained what it is - “If it’s not gonna matter in 5years then don’t spend more than 5 minutes being upset about it.” Then it hits me - Will you still matter to me after 5years? And I know in just a skip of a heartbeat that my answer will be always ‘Yes, you do, and you always will.’
Today, I love you more than yesterday. But not as much as I will tomorrow. From the day that I’ve met you, I never wanted to spend another more day without you. You motivate me to be better, to be more of me, to not feel worried about the small things, and to experience life to the fullest. I want to hold your hand, laugh with you, walk next to you, snuggle on the couch, look into your eyes, talk about everything and kiss your face every damn day.
Does this sound like a proposal already? Hahaha. If ever you’ll received this after 5years (which I hope so) and we are still together, then look for me in our house, wake me up if I’m still asleep, knock me in the bathroom if I’m taking time in the shower, hug me from behind if ever I’m in the kitchen and cooking your favorite dish or maybe washing the dishes - whatever I’m doing or wherever I am, just look for me and wave this letter at the front of my face in exchange for your engagement ring. Are you already cringing? So, do I. Hahaha.
But..
If you receive this and we’re already separated or apart from each other for whatever reason it could be - Please do always remember that I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. I will always love you Nani. You were always mine, I just had to find you. Please find me too and run back to my arms. But if I ever refused to, just pull me back.
Your Love, Koo Junhoe
PS: Don’t forget to bring me my favorite hot bars! I love you Nani.
A lone tear falls from Jinhwan’s eye. He blinks them away and breaths in his mouth. He feels like a lump is caught in his throat that makes him hard to breathe. He looks up and gasps for more air. He brushes his tear away and clears his throat. He walks to the kitchen and drinks a glass of water to stop himself from giving in to whatever he is feeling at the moment. He supports his body by towering both of his arm on the kitchen table.
Junhoe-ya…
He hurtfully calls out his ex-lover’s name in his head which pains his chest even more. He lifts the letter that is still in his left hand and stares at it blankly. Is this even real? Is this some kind of a prank? Did Yunhyeong pull this trick?
In the thought of his best friend he hurriedly grabs his phone from the living room again and dials his number as he sits again in panic.
“Ya! Did you do this? It’s not funny, Yunhyeong-ah.” He explodes upon hearing Yunhyeong answering the call and not even waiting for him to say a word.
“Hyung, what are you talking about?” His friend sounds confused.
“The letter! Did you send this to me because you know I’m coming today?” Jinhwan accuses since the only person he calls to inform his arrival is his best friend. He doesn’t even expect to hear anything about Junhoe anymore.
“What do you mean? I don’t understand you. Are you having a jetlag? Your jetlag is really unique, hyung. Stop throwing tantrums. Just rest.” Yunhyeong answers in his calm tone knowing his best friend is always full of mood swings.
Jinhwan hears the sincerity from his voice and believes Yunhyeong won’t do such prank. He is too old-fashioned and maybe he even doesn’t know schedule letters exist.
“You really did not pull a prank on me?” He asks for confirmation one last time.
“Hyung, you know you’re being weird right now. We both need rest, remember? Now go. I’m hanging up.”
After that, Yunhyeong ends the call. Jinhwan is left confused and hurt by the words he just read in the letter.
“Did you really write this letter…Junhoe-ya?” He utters in the empty house.
He can feel the unexplainable rushing of his emotions. A moment later, the sweat covering his face is replaced by the flowing tears from his eyes.
Why am I crying? Why can’t I stop myself from crying?
He asks himself. He can feel the grip inside his chest and hurt slowly feels real. He is having shortness in breath and he finds himself sobbing in an empty house, alone.
“No, I can’t beat myself over this unknown letter. Junhoe hasn’t even written one for me before.” Jinhwan looks firm on his words.
Minutes passed, he still stares at the letter confused not only about it but also how he reacted. Why would he cry over a 5-year old letter? Who knows, this might not even come from Junhoe. Sure, the handwriting is undeniably similar but still. His thoughts are interrupted when his phone rings. He sees Yunhyeong's name on the screen and he is quick to answer it.
"Hyung." Yunhyeong says on the other line.
"I'm sorry, Yunhyeong-ah. I lashed out a while ago." He apologizes for acting strange on his best friend.
"That's why I called back. Are you okay? Something happened right? What is it?" The voice on the phone is soft and a little concern.
Jinhwan sighs before he responds. "A letter came to me earlier. It was a scheduled letter and guess what?" He narrates.
"What? I'm not good at guessing game, hyung."
"It was from Junhoe. He wrote it five years ago on our first anniversary and had it sent to me five years later and today is--" Jinhwan's sentence is cut off when Yunhyeong finishes the sentence for him like how best friends’ minds are connected.
"Today is your fifth anniversary. I mean…supposed to be. Wow. Does that really exist?" Yunhyeong sounds like someone who doesn't believe it either.
"I know. That's why I thought you pulled a prank on me. No one knows I'll be in Korea today except you. I'm sorry." Jinhwan says.
"I understand, hyung. I must've reacted the same. So, what's in the letter?" Yunhyeong pry.
"I'll read it to you." He replies and starts to read the letter. He struggles to voice out each word but he needs to.
After he finishes reading, he hears Yunhyeong exhaled sharply before speaking.
"Hyung… I think you need to know something." Yunhyeong claims and it sends fear on him. He feels nervous about it.
"To know what, Yunhyeong-ah? Tell me." He almost sounds desperate.
Few seconds passed before Yunhyeong starts.
"Remember Bobby? Junhoe's friend?"
"Yes. What about him?" He asks.
"He told us what happened a week before you left."
Jinhwan's stomach hardens with the sudden revelation from his best friend. His grip on the phone tightens.
"W-what happened?" His voice is almost shaking.
"He told me what really happened on the day you saw that incident with Junhoe. He even mentioned Junhoe thought he saw you that day but could not confirm it until the day you left and saw the last entry from your journal."
Jinhwan wrinkles the bottom of his shirt upon hearing those words. He starts to feel something squeezing his heart already. He wasn't ready for this truth.
"W-what happened?" He nervously asks.
Yunhyeong lets out a loud sigh before narrating the details of the truth Jinhwan had never heard before.
After hearing the real reason behind Junhoe's action that brought him so much terror and fear, his guilt skyrocketed even more, and his heart couldn't take it. Why did he leave him without asking Junhoe why he did that? Why he never gave Junhoe a chance to explain the things he saw that day. Now that Yunhyeong revealed it all to him, he wanted to run to Junhoe. Tell him he was a fool for turning his back because he was scared. That he didn't trust his feelings for Junhoe more than anything. He wasted five years. Five years of happiness and the letter sent to him would have meant so much if only he put his faith in their love and relationship.
"Junhoe would never do such horrible thing, hyung. I just hoped you trusted him first before anything else. Junhoe loved you so much, hyung. You always know that." Yunhyeong says as his last piece of truth.
Another pair of tears start to fall down from his eyes. His heart is wrenching with the truth he just heard.
"Yunhyeong-ah. Why didn't you tell me that sooner?" He wants to get mad, but he knows it is only his regret starting to kick in.
"You are nowhere to be found, hyung. No one even knew you're leaving. You cut us all off even after a year you left. We can't get a hold of you and I already forgot about it before. It just came to my mind after you read the letter. I'm sorry."
Yunhyeong's last two words hit him real hard. He is supposed to be the one saying sorry, but he just made his best friend say it instead.
You're so selfish, Jinhwan. I'm so stupid.
He scolds himself in his mind knowing that nothing's gonna ever change anything now.
"No… I should be the one saying sorry. I'm sorry and…. thank you for telling me this." He sincerely says.
"Hyung…" Yunhyeong only calls him out softly.
"Where can I find Junhoe?" He firmly questions.
"What? Are you sure about that?"
"Please. I only want to confirm something." He convinces his best friend.
"I don't want you to get hurt, hyung." He can hear the worried tone in Yunhyeong's voice.
"I already sacrificed 5 years of us, Yunhyeong-ah. It wouldn't hurt less if I find him again."
It takes his best friend 10 seconds before answering him.
“He’s working at 777 Club.”
“I need exact address, Yunhyeong-ah. Please.” He replies in his soft tone this time. He hears his friend sighed before answering again.
“I’ll ask Chanwoo the exact address and text it to you, okay? Are you sure you’re okay? I didn’t expect you to—never mind. I’ll text you the address right away.”
Jinhwan feels thankful that Yunhyeong tells him everything.
“Thank you, Yunhyeong-ah.”
After 3 minutes, his phone vibrates, and he immediately opens the message.
From: Yoyo
House Number: 23014
Hannam-dong, Yongsan-gu
Do u want me to come w u?
--
To: Yoyo
No, it’s ok. Thanks!
After replying to Yunhyeong, he instantly changes his clothes and rushes outside. He doesn’t care about being impulsive anymore. He needs to confirm this letter once and for all. He spent 5 years away from Junhoe to move on and this letter coming to him almost like fate won’t help him any better.
His thoughts are wandering in all directions, trying to get some explanation and answers.
Do I really have to see him? It is from 5 years ago. Does this matter now?
He continues to contemplate as the bus is running faster than average speed and his heartbeat rides the pace of it. He’s feeling heavy inside but determined to get his answer.
What are you doing Jinhwan? You don’t need to do this. You left him, do you think he will give you answer that easily, let alone see you again?
Another side of his brain tries to snap him out from the emotion he has which can lead him to another heartbreak.
“Hannam-dong.”
His debate ends when he hears the driver shouted. He slightly bows to him while looking at the rearview mirror before getting off the bus. He looks left and right to check which is the right way to go. It’s been five years and today is only his first day in Korea which makes his sense of direction a little blurry.
After 5 minutes of searching, he sees the building and hastily walks inside. He presses the 23rd floor and fidgets inside the elevator. Good thing, he is alone. His chest pounds as the number displayed on the elevator progresses. He’s trying to dry his wet hands from nervousness when the elevator sounds resonated inside.
When he finally sees the unit number, he suddenly wants to back out. He slowly steps forward and raises his hand ready to press the doorbell. He breathes deeply and forcibly turns his back around and presses his eyes shut as he tilts his head feeling like a fool standing in front of his ex’s flat. He already decided to back out when a stranger step out from the elevator which causes him to panic and faces back to the flat again and presses the doorbell abruptly.
He discreetly shushes because of his sudden action. He really acts clumsy when flustered.
His senses straighten when he hears a clicking sound from the inside. He almost holds his breath when the door slowly opens.
He forces a smile to front the owner of the house, but his smile slowly fades when he saw an unfamiliar man in front of him.
“Hi, are you looking for someone?” The guy asks him in a casual tone.
“O-oh, I-I’m sorry. I think I got the wrong address.” Jinhwan awkwardly responds feeling embarrassed.
“Oh…” The guy just nods.
He slightly bows and ready to turn away when he hears a familiar voice that sends chills all over his body.
“Who is it?”
He robotically motions his head back to the owner of the voice when his heart almost stopped.
J-Junhoe…
Their eyes meet when the door guy moves his body to the side to look at Junhoe from the inside.
“Oh, I think he’s in the wrong unit.”
“N-Nani…”
Jinhwan feels a sudden prick in his chest when he hears Junhoe’s voice calling his name out. The name only Junhoe calls him.
Junhoe looks like he has seen a ghost with the shocked expression written all over his face. Jinhwan knew him too well. This is really unexpected.
“J-Junhoe-ya…” His voice is shaking.
The other guy also flashes a confused look making his head turn from Junhoe to Jinhwan simultaneously.
“Do you know him?” The other guy asks Junhoe.
Are they together? Why is Junhoe naked? Couple of questions come to his mind.
“Y-yes.” Junhoe answers eyes still fixed on Jinhwan’s.
“Oh, come in.” The guy invites him in.
“O-oh, no. No. It’s okay. I-I’ll just…” Jinhwan stutters as he can’t find the words to say when his eyes are still pierced in Junhoe.
“I’ll just come out.” Junhoe replies and starts to look for his shirt.
“Are you sure? You can talk h—”
“It’s okay, Donghyuk-ie.” Jinhwan sees Junhoe smiling so dearly to the Donghyuk guy.
It somehow strikes some sting in his heart.
So are they really…
Jinhwan moves two steps back when Junhoe widely opens the door and Donghyuk just goes inside the house. Jinhwan discreetly inhales as he can smell Junhoe's scent from three steps away from him. It brings back memories.
Junhoe finally fronts him with both hands in his pocket and looks straight to his eyes.
How can he still stare at me when I am the one who hurt and left him?
A lot of thoughts keep coming in Jinhwan's mind. He swallows the air blocking his throat before he bravely speaks.
"H-Hi…" He starts and tries to sound as casual as he could. But words are always caught in his throat.
"How did you find me?" Junhoe answers him as cold as the sweat dripping inside his clothes.
His eyes… His eyes look… blank. I couldn't see any expression.
"O-oh. I-I'm sorry for suddenly appearing in f-front of you like this. I--"
As he stutters Junhoe interrupts him with words that almost feel like a knife stabbing him.
"Yes. You should be sorry for suddenly appearing in front of me. What is it?"
He can't last any second more to stare at Junhoe's eyes as he is already at the verge of tearing up and he doesn't want to cry in front of his ex after running away five years ago and coming back like this.
"Y-yeah. T-this is not right. I- It's just that…"
Think Jinhwan. Think.
"Yunhyeong sent me here to invite you for the welcome party he prepared for me at his house tomorrow night. B-but, you know, y-you don't have to come. I-I'm really sorry."
Jinhwan can't stand it any longer he immediately turns his back after saying his last word and is ready to take a step away when Junhoe answers him.
"Is that it? You come here just to tell me that?"
He firmly shuts his eyes. Afraid of looking back to witness more of Junhoe's cold expression, he remains with his position.
"Y-yeah. S-sorry."
"I'll come," And the next thing Jinhwan hears is the closing of the door.
He feels his knees shaking. He extended his arms to support his weight from the wall and another hand unconsciously grabs his chest. He feels the hurt creeping inside. That's it. He hastily walks away from the spot and never looks back. In the elevator he stares at himself in his reflection. He just watches his tears racing down in his cheeks.
"You make a fool of yourself on your first day in Korea. Good job."
He smirks and wipes his tears leaving no traces of what just happened. When he reaches the outside, he grabs his phone from his pocket and calls Yunhyeong again.
After a few rings, his friend picks up.
"Hyung… What is it?" Yunhyeong says after he answers his call.
"Sorry, Yunhyeong-ah. I think I am stupid." He runs his fingers through his hair out of his frustration at himself.
"What? Why? What is it this time?" Yunhyeong asks worriedly.
"Can you throw me a party tomorrow night? I just invited Junhoe for a welcome party tomorrow and I said it is you doing it for me."
"Hyung!"
He pulls away the phone from his ear when Yunhyeong yells for real. He closes his eyes for a brief moment before exhaling sharply and replies.
"I know. That's why I am so stupid. It just happened. I'm sorry."
"You really did go to him after I sent you the address. Wow, hyung. Five years later and you're still whipped. Why did you even l--" Yunhyeong couldn't finish his sentence again.
"Yunhyeong-ah. Tomorrow night, okay? Thanks, bye!" He instantly presses the end button not waiting for more Yunhyeong whining and sermon.
"Why am I even doing this?" He asks himself again as he lets out heavy air from his mouth.
It's your fault.
He blames the letter in his head as he raises it from his pocket.
-Junhoe's Pov-
"Is that really Jinhwan? THE Jinhwan?" Donghyuk instantly pry when Junhoe comes back from the outside.
"Stop it Dong. I am still shocked." Junhoe throws his whole body on their sofa feeling mixed emotions with what just happened.
"Woah. I did not recognize him. He looks better in person. No doubt you're s--"
"Aish! I told you, shut up!" Junhoe throws the small cushion at his buddy. It only makes the latter to laugh and tease him more.
"Why don't you look happy? You just saw your first love."
Junhoe forcibly stands up and looks straight to Dong intently before speaking.
"You're coming with me tomorrow. We got some business to do."
He said firmly and walks inside his own room. He locks it just in case Donghyuk will barge in and he doesn't want him to see how affected he is.
He sits on the side of his bed and pulls the small drawer from his side. He takes out a polaroid photo and stares intently at it.
Why would I be happy to see the person who left me without saying a word?
He says in his head. But slowly, he starts to feel the real pain. His heart beat slows down and there's a heavy feeling nagging him.
So, you're back...and you're stirring my world again.
Junhoe leans back until he lays flat on his bed and cover his eyes with his arms.
"I really hate you."
Uninvited tear falls from Junhoe's eyes.
--
The next day…
"Thank you for doing this to me, Yunhyeong-ah." Jinhwan can't help himself but to hug his best friend. He has always been very supportive of him ever since they were in high school until they went to the same university.
"I'd do everything for you from now on, hyung. When you left, I feel like I haven't been a good best friend to you. That I haven't done enough for you. That's why, I am making up for that today." Yunhyeong says in his most sincere tone.
Jinhwan feels the guilt inside and it pains him hearing those words from Yunhyeong. He never thought his best friend would think that much after he left. They were always just the lucky go happy duo sketching their dreams as best friends together
"Don't say that. You know the reason why I left, and it has nothing to do with you. I know I really suck for leaving without telling you first. I'm such a bad best friend. I--"
Yunhyeong hugs him to stop him from blabbering more. Jinhwan firmly presses his eyes close stopping his eyes from producing water before the party even started.
"I understand, hyung. It wasn't easy for you to make that decision and you were brave to do that without me. I am always here no matter what decisions you make. That's my life job as your best friend."
With that, tears fall from Jinhwan's eyes. He hugs his best friend tightly as a gesture of his gratitude.
"Ya. We're supposed to have a party. You are making me cry. This is not it."
They both laugh at his comment and break the hug. Yunhyeong helps him clear his face from the tears and holds him on the shoulder.
"I just want you to be happy, hyung. The happy Jinhwan I saw before. I miss that."
Jinhwan sweetly smiles at him and nods in agreement that he misses to be his happy state too.
After an hour of preparation, Chanwoo arrives and other guests also arrive one by one.
Jinhwan locks himself in the bathroom for a couple of minutes fidgeting and trying to calm himself. As the hours past, it also shortens his life line to see Junhoe again. He feels scared, nervous, but…excited. He doesn't want to admit it yet, but his heart is a rebel.
After calming himself, he puts his game face on and walks out to the living room where everyone else is having a real party - guests are from their college days and some of Yunhyeong's colleagues. They have greeted each other, saying things left and right, but his eyes only focus on the main door.
"You can get him a job, right?" Yunhyeong says to Chanwoo. They are now talking about signing Jinhwan into a product model.
"Of course. You will be scouted if any talent scouts sees you right away. You already look like a model." Chanwoo compliments him which makes him smile.
"Wow. That's great!" Yunhyeong exclaims.
"Thank you, Chanwoo-ssi." Jinhwan politely says.
"Oh, drop the honorifics. We're friends here. I should be calling you, hyung too."
"Oh, thanks."
Jinhwan's heart suddenly stops for a second when he sees Junhoe peeking in from the main door.
"Here's your ex." Yunhyeong carefully whispers when he sees the reaction on Jinhwan's face only to see Junhoe with Donghyuk coming in.
"Excuse me." Jinhwan excuses himself from Chanwoo and walks slowly towards the alleged couple.
"H-Hi. I-I'm glad you came." Jinhwan bites his tongue inside because of his stuttering.
"I said I'd come. I know how to keep my words." Junhoe blatantly states that pricks his heart immediately. He knows what Junhoe meant by that.
He just forcibly flashes a smile and turns to Donghyuk who looks so bright.
"I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't recognize you." Donghyuk says in greeting.
Jinhwan narrows his eyebrow quickly with that Donghyuk says and he's about to open his mouth when Junhoe barges in.
"Of course, you don't know him." Junhoe says and throw his arm on Donghyuk's shoulder. The gesture pricks Jinhwan's chest.
"Ah, ah. You're right." Donghyuk flashes a wide cute smile at Junhoe and Jinhwan just observes the two flirting in front of him.
Keep it together Jinhwan.
He reminds himself before he loses it.
"U-uhm, please help yourselves. Be comfortable here. We have drinks on the fridge, just get whatever you want and w--" Jinhwan blabbers again when Junhoe cuts him off.
"We will. Thank you." Junhoe smirks at him and puts his hands in his pocket before leaving him just standing there.
Jinhwan secretly takes a deep breath when he feels a hand on his arm.
"Nice to meet you, Jinhwan-hyung. Welcome back." Donghyuk says and sounds sincere with his words before going to greet Yunhyeong and Chanwoo.
Jinhwan doesn't feel right. He is hurt thinking Junhoe is really together with Donghyuk but why doesn't he feel a bad blood with Donghyuk? Should he supposed to feel some irritation with your ex's current boyfriend? He doesn't feel anything at Donghyuk at all. His aura is just so bright and nice.
You found someone better than me, Junhoe-ya.
The thought almost breaks him down. He immediately washes it off with his can of beer.
Another hour passed. Jinhwan can't help but always look for Junhoe in every corner of the house. Junhoe is either talking and smiling with their college friends or laughing with Donghyuk in one corner. Every time he sees the couple having the best of their time, Jinhwan chugs his can of beer in one shot. He thinks the beer helps him think straight and not act out and embarrass himself anymore.
When Jinhwan sees Junhoe walks outside the balcony alone, he finishes his other can of beer before rushing to go outside too. His steps slow down when he sees Junhoe's back - right hand with his beer, and left hand in his pocket.
I miss you so much.
It must have been the alcohol that's making him say and feel things he shouldn't.
"Thanks for coming. I never thought you'd really come." He says in his calm and a little tipsy voice when he stands few steps away from Junhoe's right side.
"It's not likely of your best friend to do this but I guess he really wants to welcome you home." Junhoe coldly responds and drinks from his can of beer.
Every word that comes out from Junhoe's lips ever since he saw him just pierced his heart every single time. They used to be so in love until he ruined everything. That's why he thinks he has no right in complaining at all.
After minutes of painful silence, Junhoe speaks again.
"Why are you here? Why did you come back?" Junhoe asks with a hint of despise in his tone.
Those questions almost break him down, but he stands firm.
"I feel lonely in Japan. I feel…empty."
He wants to be as honest as he can once and for all.
He hears Junhoe exhales sharply and sees him smirk with his side view before he answers him.
"Really? Why?" Both of them don't bother to even glance at each other.
"It's just that, I feel like I wasn't supposed to be there. I don't know…"
Jinhwan thinks after that Junhoe will leave him there because he doesn't say a word after. Seconds turn to minutes. They are just there standing silently, no one wanting to leave first, but no one knows the words to say.
Jinhwan clears his throat first before finally breaking the ice.
"Yesterday, I lied." He confesses. He feels Junhoe turns to his side so he looks at him too.
Their eyes meet but as blank as Junhoe's expression, his eyes tell the same.
"I really looked for you yesterday. I asked Yunhyeong your address and that's how I found you. There's no party or what. This is just sudden because of my excuse to see you again." He courageously admits still piercing his gaze on Junhoe.
"For what?" Junhoe answers calmly.
"This." He shortly says and reaches for the letter from his pocket. He raises it to show it Junhoe.
Obviously, Junhoe is also confused of the thing he is showing him. After a second, Junhoe looks away and sips the last portion of his beer.
"Oh, that." His ex utters.
It gives Jinhwan a positive impression. Junhoe recognizes the letter which means he really did write it 5 years ago.
"You really wrote this, didn't you?" Jinhwan is desperate for answer.
"It's so funny. I never thought they'd really sent that paper out." Junhoe says while smirking and it almost feels like a mock to Jinhwan.
"Junhoe-ya…" He softly calls out unconsciously.
"It's just a paper, Jinhwan. You did all of this for just a piece of paper." Junhoe airily laugh for a second.
"It's not just a paper, Junhoe. It got sent to me the moment I came back here in Korea. It’s almost like fate. If you really wrote this then y--"
"Throw it." Junhoe didn't let Jinhwan finish his talking.
He motions his head to the side to stare at Jinhwan's eyes directly.
"Tear it. Burn it. Throw it. I don't care. Those are just scribbles from my youth. It doesn't mean anything now."
Jinhwan feels weak on his knees and feels the imaginary knife ripping his heart out repeatedly. He lets out a hurtful sigh with Junhoe's bold statement. He doesn't even blink while telling him that. He is on the verge of crying, but he holds himself.
"Fate? Who even believes in that now? It is called unfortunate event. Fate, my ass." Junhoe mockingly laughs at Jinhwan.
He can't hold it in anymore. He turns his head away and quickly brushes his tears. His heart is continuously ripped to pieces the more words Junhoe lets out from his mouth. Jinhwan thinks he deserves all of this because of what he did before, but it is truly excruciating.
He can also feel the alcohol hitting him. He feels emotionally weak and he wants to give up the five years he worked on to forget Junhoe. He wants to break down the wall he built for the last five years only to be crashed down the moment Junhoe's name came to him like a thief in the night.
"Oh, before I forgot." Junhoe once again speaks and searches for something from his jacket.
Jinhwan expects for it and his body tenses when he sees the journal from Junhoe's hand.
My journal… He still has it.
He thought. His eyes travel from the journal to look at Junhoe.
"I came here to return this to you." Junhoe hands the journal out to him.
He slowly reaches for it and gently caresses it. His journal is still with Junhoe and he doesn't know how to take it.
"Y-you had this all these years?" He softly utters. His throat is already hurting from holding back the tears.
"My old stuff has it. I forgot why I even have that. Luckily, Donghyuk saw it yesterday while cleaning the house and it may be really fate, like you said. It wanted to be returned to its owner." Junhoe lied. Jinhwan knows it because Junhoe keeps on touching his ears. He knows that Junhoe always does that when he is not telling the truth.
Jinhwan can't find the words to say. He only stares at Junhoe with eyes full of longing and pain.
He flinches when Junhoe steps forward and holds his hand with the letter. Junhoe forcibly takes the letter from his grip which snaps his senses out.
"So, I'll take this back too. Then we're quits." Junhoe almost whispers in his face.
Even in their situation, Jinhwan's heart still flutters with Junhoe being in super close proximity with him.
You're still as gorgeous as ever. His mind betrays him.
"No! No. Please." He says in panic afraid that Junhoe will really throw or tear it.
"This is mine. I gave yours back." Junhoe stands properly again and is ready to tear the letter.
Jinhwan quickly raises both of his hands to stop Junhoe from tearing the precious letter for Jinhwan. He takes one step forward and fixes himself. He breathes in deeply before speaking up.
"I'll do it. You already gave that away five years ago which means that is not yours anymore. Like you said it doesn't mean anything now. So, I'll throw it. I'll…do it." Jinhwan says his last words faintly.
Jinhwan thinks it couldn't get any worst but he is shocked at the next thing Junhoe did. He hears the sudden sound of paper tearing in half.
His jaw slightly drops as his heart is tearing in half along with the paper in front of him. Junhoe throw it on the ground in front of him and puts both of his hands in his pocket.
Jinhwan's knees weaken more which make him drop his body with his feet supporting his whole weight. He slowly picks up the pieces of paper on the ground with his head down trying to conceal the tears falling from his eyes.
He sees Junhoe's feet turn around ready leave. But as impulsive as his drunk self is, his hand grabs Junhoe's wrist without looking at him which seizes the latter.
"D-Donghyuk…" He utters in his hoarse voice.
Junhoe waits for his next words while looking down at him.
"A-are you two toge--"
"I deserve someone better." Junhoe answers looking straight back at the house and gently pulls off his arm from Jinhwan's grip.
Jinhwan finally drops on his knees and breaks down in tears. Junhoe just left him there after saying the last sentence that shot his heart dead right there and then.
He grabs the collar of his shirt tightly to help ease the pain in his chest. He breathes painful air from his mouth feeling shortness of air.
I deserve this. You deserve this Jinhwan.
He reminds himself again.
--
Junhoe's Pov
"I deserve someone better." Junhoe bites his tongue so hard it actually hurts. He hates himself for even saying those lies to his ex who is now on the ground sobbing.
It breaks Junhoe's heart seeing this Jinhwan after 5 long years he waited for him.
He is expecting him to live happily after he left him. He thinks he won't ever come back. He thinks he is already happy with someone else. Seeing Jinhwan crying like this over his 5-year old letter breaks his heart to pieces that's why he looks away and just stares inside the house.
Before he also breaks down, he gently pulls off his arm from Jinhwan's grip and walks away. He sees Donghyuk standing in the main door staring at him with questioning eyes. He just glances at him and he walks out of the gate of the house.
He can feel Donghyuk following behind him, but he doesn't say anything. He continues to walk until they reach the side wall of the house. He stops and leans on it while holding his head up to the gloomy night sky.
Donghyuk follows him quietly. He grabs the cigarette from his jacket pocket and lights one. He feels Donghyuk turns his head to look at him, but he ignores it. He just hits on his cigarette. After another minute of silence, Donghyuk speaks.
"Why did you do that?"
"Do what?" Junhoe casually answers like he doesn't know what the other guy asks him.
"You don't have to hurt him like that." Donghyuk says in his soft but caring voice.
Junhoe smirks and has another hit from his cigarette before responding.
"He chose to cry." Junhoe knows his cold words trouble him but he just can't stop himself. He doesn't know why.
"You know you're just hurting yourself. You're really trying hard." Donghyuk says while playing with his right foot.
Junhoe looks at Donghyuk after hearing his words. "What's that supposed to mean?" He asks with confused voice.
Donghyuk looks at him intently.
"You miss him. You're waiting for him all these years. But now that he's finally back, the first thing you did is hurt him and make him cry on his knees."
Donghyuk's words pierce his heart. It sends knives to stab his chest. He clenches his fist and grits his teeth. He is feeling angry because Donghyuk always says the right thing and he is just too coward to admit it.
"Let me remind you because you seem to forget the story. I got dumped. He left me without a word. He disappeared on me, Donghyuk. He left me. HE hurt me." Junhoe is firm with his words.
Donghyuk sighs and looks away.
"But that doesn't change the fact that you still miss him. You still love him."
Junhoe takes a deep breath because he feels like exploding at the words Donghyuk is saying to his face.
"Missing someone doesn't mean you still love them." He calmly claims.
"So, you're admitting you do miss him." Donghyuk smirks at him which annoys him.
"I don't. Okay? Stop with this bullshit." Junhoe finishes his cigarette and drops the remaining part and steps on it.
"We've been friends for 3 years and I know you have this habit of saying the opposite of what you truly feel." Donghyuk pats his shoulder and walks pass at him.
"I said I do--" Junhoe turns around to face him but he is cut off.
"I know. I know. Party's over. Let's go home, Baby." Donghyuk tries to sound cute and winks at him.
He knows he is teasing him because of what happened earlier.
"Ugh! Stop that. You're making me puke." Junhoe whines.
"What? You said I'm your boyfriend." Donghyuk steps back at him and wraps his arm around him and flashes a disgustingly cute smile.
"I'd rather say single." Junhoe says while trying to pull off his arm but Donghyuk doesn't let go.
They are now walking on their way home.
"Ya! Or should I call you… Oppa?" Donghyuk teases more.
"Ya! Let go of me. You're disgusting me." Junhoe says and walks away from his friend.
He hears the loud laugh from him and he continues to walk as fast as he could.
"Oppa, wait for me. Oppa!"
"Aish!" Junhoe scratches his ears while covering it to stop Donghyuk's aegyo voice he hates so much to enter his eardrums. It sounds like a curse to him.
But in the back of Junhoe's mind, he is truly grateful that he has Donghyuk as his friend when he was almost giving up on life.
Sometimes, when you lost something, you gained another thing. For him, it was Donghyuk.
--
Jinhwan requested Yunhyeong to drop him home but his best friend insisted to make him stay for the night after seeing his puffy red eyes and nose. The party ended later than expected which kept Jinhwan stayed up late too.
He is sitting on the workstation in the guest room he is staying with the journal on it and the pieces of paper that causes everything tonight.
He fixes the pieces of paper together and reaches for the scotch tape to stick them back again. He's carefully sticking them when a droplet wets a part of the paper. He's crying again.
He looks up to stop his tears from falling. He sniffs and continues to fix the letter.
Junhoe-ya…
He doesn't want to cry anymore but he can't think of anything else but Junhoe. He shouldn't have gone looking for him. He just wasted his 5 years agony to nothing. He chose to leave but why was it hard for him to forget him? He even has no right to think of him. He's the reason why they are both hurting.
After calming himself, he carefully folded the letter and puts it in his wallet. Then he looks at the old journal Junhoe gave him.
He doesn't feel ready to open or read it yet. So, he moves to his bed with it and just lays down there holding the journal close to his heart.
"Junhoe-ya…" His half-sober self calls out the last time before he finally dozes off.
He falls asleep with a tear dripping down his cheek.