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He hates looking at that coffin.
To call it a ‘coffin’ is truly generous: it is more akin to a pile of wooden boards haphazardly thrown together. But, considering what it holds, Johnny knows no better term to describe it. A vessel? A container? A gut-wrenching reminder? All suffice, but he prefers the word “coffin”. But, no matter what he calls it, he despises looking at it.
The trip across the Atlantic is not a short one, and much of it is spent in his cabin. Sleeping, eating, feeling the pit in his stomach gnaw at him all the while as he desperately tries to push away the feeling of being in the presence of someone else. He knows he is not. For this reason, he spends time with Rina often.
“That box you brought with you,” she points out one day as they stand on the deck together, “what is in it?”
Johnny has to force the lump out of his throat before he speaks, “My friend,” he admits, “he died during the race. I am taking him to his home to be buried.”
The look on Rina’s face is one of pity. He doesn’t want to imagine what his own looks like, “I am sorry for your loss.”
Rina’s apologies don’t make sleeping any easier. Even in darkness he can make out the outline of the coffin in his room. He fought tooth and nail to bring it on board, but he wished he didn’t have to. Sometimes, he wishes he didn’t find Gyro’s body, that it swept out too far in the sea for him to chase. Then, guilt sets in. It is a suffering cycle of wishes, remorse, and guilt.
It is not always terrible. He talks to Rina about their journey together, about the joy they shared. He will share the jokes he told him, always making sure to stress they were Gyro’s creations. He shows her the steel ball, tries to explain the complexities of it. These moments are breaks in the tide, breaks from being battered by the ocean. He looks up at the sky and is reminded that it’s there.
The ocean of sorrow lasts for as long as he knows. He is always in the water, but one day, he is able to stand and allows it only to touch his feet instead of swallowing his whole body and tossing him back and forth in the waves. He is content with that much.
Remembering Gyro may always hurt, but he would take any pain over completely forgetting.