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“Good news is you won’t die from this,” Jan says with a bit of humor, as he finish tying the knot of the makeshift bandage, “but it requires needlework.”
Jozef, damn him, doesn’t move a muscle. Not even the twist of his lips. “I will see to it when we get to Prague,” he answers in his usual monotone.
Jan bites back the sigh that wants to come out. He has to constantly remind himself that Jozef isn’t the same carefree boy he met all those years ago when they were in training.
He’s lost that spark, that... joyfulness. That’s what war does to a person; it slowly kills your hope, your faith in people, it hardens you. Until you forget what it is like to be alive.
It has been a while since they talked about something other than war related subjects.
And Jan sometimes wishes he could have the old Jozef back.
But now, laying in some woods at the outskirts of Prague, he knows it won’t happen.
Jan berates himself all the way back to the cabin. It’s just that he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t kill that man. It matters little if said man was about to rat them out to the germans, he’s just not a coldblooded murderer; he’s never been able to kill an unarmed man and probably will never be.
And yet. And yet. He should have killed him, that’s what he was trained for.
Jozef is waiting for him, supporting himself against the doorframe with his usual blank expression. "We can take the truck and drive to Prague," he says, confident that Jan would do as he bids.
Maybe it’s because of the exhaustion or that he’s still shaken but somehow he pulls himself straighter, relishing in the couple of inches he has on the other man, and with calm determination he answers "no."
Jozef stares at him unblinkingly for some time before finally speaking. "Jan-"
But said man doesn’t let him go on. "We’ll part tomorrow," he says firmly.
Jozef says nothing, he just sends him a stormy look before moving away from the door, walking further into the cabin. Jan sighs, shaking his head and going inside as well.
Jozef is nowhere to be seen so Jan goes to the kitchen to prepare something to eat for the both of them.
There weren’t many options but at least there was enough for a rich broth with some vegetables.
Jozef doesn’t appear until later; looking cleaner and flushed, still limping.
"I prepared something to eat," he says, pointing to the pot on the table.
Jozef nods and comes to join Jan on the table. He pushes a bowl and a spoon towards the other man.
They don’t speak while they eat, the atmosphere is charged with a certain tension that neither knows how to break, or if they even want to.
Jan wouldn’t know what to say and Jozef doesn’t seem to want to talk anyway.
So it is surprising when it is him who breaks the silence. "There are two rooms," he starts, swallowing the last of his water. "One of them is a study with a desk and a chair and in the other there’s a bed," he gives Jan a pointed look.
Jan schools his features so not one of his feelings show on his face. "Oh, I can sleep on the floor," he offers.
Jozef’s eyes flash for a moment before it passes and his usual cold gaze returns. "No," he simply says.
Jan sends a quick prayer for patience and then fixes his own gaze on his comrade. "You need the bed, sleeping on the floor wouldn’t do you any good," he explains calmly, sometimes the best way to deal with Jozef is to treat him like a child.
Jozef clenches his jaw. "Jan," he says through his teeth.
"Jozef," he says, not budging.
Jozef stares hard at him. "Jan," he starts. "I was going to say that we can share the bed," and his voice broke no argument.
Jan says nothing, he only exhales and stands to clear the table up and go wash the dishes just to have something else to do. He hears the scrape of the other chair and Jozef’s retreating steps, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
He is going to share the bed with Jozef. For the man it may not mean anything but for Jan- well, it does mean something. It means a lot.
He doesn’t allow himself to let his feelings loose. Because god only knows what would happen if he acted on them.
That’s why he’s a little reluctant to walk into the room to join the other man in the bed.
But he is weary and he is yearning for a warm bed so into the fray he goes.
Jozef is already in the bed; having claimed the right side so he can rest his leg against the wall. He appears to be asleep; eyes closed, breaths even and covers up to his chin. He looks young and peaceful and perfect.
Jan shrugs his jacket off followed by his shirt and pants, leaving him in undershirt and underpants.
He crawls next to Jozef, laying as far from the man as the width of the bed allows. He closes his eyes, taking deep breaths to try and induce sleep.
A gentle touch on his hand brings him out of his light doze. "Jan?" a soft call helps to reawaken him.
"Thought you were asleep," is his smart reply.
A huff of breath that could pass as a laugh and a firmer hold of his hand. "You should know the difference," making the condescending sound somewhat kind.
Jan snorts softly. "With you it’s hard to know," he says, there is an admission in there somewhere.
Jozef swallows , letting out a long breath. "Well, this will come as a surprise then but," he pauses; the moonlight not enough to illuminate his features. "I am scared," he confesses in a whisper.
That, Jan would never have expected to hear come out from Jozef Gabčik’s mouth. But he guesses confessions like this are made at the uncertainty of the future.
"About what?" he mumbles.
He feels a little disappointed with the answer though he supposes it shouldn’t have come as a surprise.
"That this mission won’t work," he starts, quietly and emotionless. "That the war will go on forever. That we may die in vain. That I may not see you again," he says this last part so quietly that Jan has to strain his ear to catch it.
They are so close now that Jan can feel Jozef’s warm breath against his face.
Jan swallows and exhales shakily. "What do you mean?" he asks softly, not really because he needs the clarification but because he wants Jozef to openly say it.
Jozef caresses his hand feathery-like, breathing labored and chest heaving. "I’ve never entertained the idea of getting out of this alive," he explains calmly. "And I have accepted it for the most part."
Jozef’s head is turned to him now; the moonlight flittering through the window casts shadows on his face, long lashes flutering and mouth slightly parted.
They were so close that Jan could simply tilt his head a little and they would be kissing. He doesn’t do it though.
If there’s anything to happen between them it’d be because Jozef wants it to.
"I just never stopped to consider what that would entail," the man says, licking his lips. "Jan,” he whispers. He brings a hand up to Jan’s cheek and softly rubs the skin under his eye. “Jan,” he breathes out.
Jan’s previous resolution flies out the window when he crashes their lips together. It is chaste and quick because there is always the chance he misread the situation and that wouldn’t be good.
Jozef lay there; unmoving, eyes shut, not even breathing, and Jan could do nothing but bit his lip nervously, anticipating the other man’s reaction.
He is beyond surprised, however, when Jozef’s reaction is to kiss him back with such passion that Jan wasn’t expecting.
The kiss has a tinge of urgency, of desperation and Jan thinks it feels like goodbye.
“Jan,” his companion speaks quietly against Jan’s lips. “We may only have this moment...” he kisses him instead of continuing speaking.
Jozef wraps his arms around Jan and pulls him clumsily on top of him. Jan tries not to smash Jozef’s injured leg against the wall. Jozef’s other leg wraps around Jan’s waist while he touches his hands everywhere he can reach; his back, his hair... his ass. Jan can feel the evidence of Jozef’s excitement against his hip.
Jan smirks, rubbing his own evidence against Jozef’s making the two of them moan.
Jan’s hands travel down his chest and underneath Jozef’s undershirt to trace his skin, eliciting goosebumps on Jozef’s skin.
Jozef whimpers when Jan leans back so he can take his shirt off in one smooth move.
The other’s breath hitches at the sight of Jan’s torso. He reverently runs his hands over his chest, pausing to trace one of Jan’s scars with the pad of his thumb.
“I still regret this,” he admits softly.
The scar is somewhat jagged, an inch wide and the size of a thumb that Jozef had placed there a long time ago in training.
Jan snorts. “It was a long time ago, you should forget about it. Besides,” gives a clumsy one-shoulder shrug. “I left some of my own on you,” he says as he leans back in to kiss the frown away from Jozef’s face. He breaks away from the kiss and smiles at his partner teasingly.
Jozef regards him with half-lided eyes, flushed cheeks and his hair all messed up, fringe all over his face and chest heaving.
Jan wishes he could pause this moment so he could immortalize it in some form of art. Or maybe in all of them.
“What do you want, láska?” he whispers, coming out of his trance.
He trails his hands along Jozef’s sides, making the man squirm a little and bit his lower lip (if Jan didn’t know Jozef he’d be tempted to say the man is holding back a laugh) his companion proves this when he stares directly at Jan defiantly when he replies. “Everything.”
Jan stares at him in awe for a moment. This is a dream-like situation for him; he’s wanted the chance to have Jozef like this ever since they met but thought he would never be that lucky.
So he needs a moment to get on with the program. “Are you sure?” he asks because he can’t help himself.
Jozef gives him a look that’s answer enough. So Jan gives a little awkward laugh and does something he’s been wanting to do; pushes his fringe away and resumes kissing.
They divest each other of their remaining clothes and stumble back onto the bed. The skin-on-skin contact is wonderful; Jozef’s hands on him feel so good, they make his skin feel like fire, he is like potty in his hands. He would gladly place his care into his... lover’s hands and let him do whatever he wanted to him.
His partner pulls away panting. “Jan,” he urges him with a gentle voice.
Jan huffs, he doesn’t like that they are doing it like this, in this place. With a sense of goodbye underlying their encounter.
But he guesses that if they only have this moment, they may as well take it.
So he gives a mental shrug and leaves the bed to go fetch something to help him ease the way.
Jozef whines at the loss, making Jan smirk because it feels like a victory having Jozef Gabčik debauched in the bed waiting for Jan to fuck him.
Jan comes back to the bed, slipping between his legs with a jar of oil in hand. “Have you ever-?” he starts but can’t bring himself to finish the question.
Jozef blushes beautifully and lowers his eyes for a moment before looking back up at him. “Yes.” Is his only answer.
Jan swallows the ball of jealousy at whomever had the privilege of showing this pleasure to this man he’s loved since forever.
Instead he leans in to kiss his neck, careful not to mark him even if he is dying to do that, at the same time his oiled finger is traveling up his thigh and behind his balls into his opening.
Jozef moans loudly when the first finger breaches him, the sound goes straight to Jan’s groin and he groans against Jozef’s chest.
The man bucks his hips up, chasing after the pleasure Jan’s finger is giving him. “More.”
Nothing has ever sounded more commanding than that sole word did in that moment.
Jan bits down on Jozef’s nipple sort of in retaliation, which just makes the man moan louder. But Jan loves that sound so much that he complies and introduces another finger.
He finally finds the bundle of nerves that has Jozef arching his back and crying out, rendering the man a blabbering mess.
Jan smirks triumphantly, pressing his prostate mercilessly. "I never thought you could be this vocal," he teases.
Jozef clacks his jaw shut and narrows his eyes at him. In a bold move, out of character, he reverses their positions so that he is now straddling Jan. He hisses though, when his bad leg lands a little too roughly.
The mood shifts a little; Jozef collapses on top of him and Jan wraps his arms around his waist, helping him accommodate his body better. "Are you alright?" he asks against his companion’s temple.
The man nods curtly and pushes himself back on his elbows to peer down at him. "Yes," he states, with conviction and grabs Jan’s cock and all but drops himself on it.
They both moan. Jozef’s lips on his, small noises pouring into Jan’s mouth, lithe body bouncing on his cock with intent. He places kisses all over Jan’s face as he mumbles nonsense in his mother tongue and he may be crying and it all tastes like benediction.
It tastes like goodbye.
•
Jan is preparing his things for his excursion outside. They are to reunite with the others in a secret room of a café so they can work on the details of their operation.
He is to walk there with Marie and Jozef with Lenka. There is nothing suspicious about couples having coffee dates, apparently.
Jan hasn’t given it much thought to that and his companion doesn’t seem too bothered either. Besides, he actually likes the girl; not in the way a man should like a woman but still.
He isn’t paying attention to what the other man is doing so he is startled when there is something pressing him against the wall, rather someone.
“J- Jozef?" he asks a little shakily.
The other man is pining him again st the wall, staring him intently with does eyes of his. Jozef cups his face in both hands, caressing his cheeks with stilted fingertips. “Jan,” he speaks in a quiet voice.
Jan’s heart squeezes painfully inside his ribs. In the three months they have been here there hasn’t been the slightles touch between the two of them only maybe one or two lingering looks that held a hint of longing.
But never open touches like this.
Jozef’s face is impassive; not one emotion can be read on it, always the perfect soldier in control of his emotions.
Contrary to Jan, who holds his heart on his sleeve and is always trying to hide he cares because even though he knows different, he still has it engraved in his brain that caring in his profession is a weakness and he’s bee close to just grab the other man by the collar and kiss him, hold him -
Suddenly there are lips upon his and Jan’s brain shuts up then. It tastes warm and sweet and bitter. Bittersweet.
It’s too short, too fleeting, it’s too much like a goodbye.
“Be careful.” Jozef says, pulling away.
He walks out of the room as if he hadn’t just caused Jan a minor crisis, as if he hadn’t robbed him of his precariously comstructed balance.
Jan’s heart shaters a little more.
•
Jan’s nerves are fried.
In two days they are to put the assassination plan in motion and he is positively ready to run for the hills.
There are a billion things that could go wrong that Jan has lost count of them.
This is what they have been preparing for, is it not? Their mission to kill Heydrich. Probably the one that will finally claimed their lives.
So of course he is not able to sleep. It does not matter, in death he will sleep.
After Jozef had managed to calm him down, Jan had simply sat in the corner of their small room and just... thought.
Now, laying on his cot, late at night, he wishes they had more time. More time to plan. More time to be sure. More time to find alternatives. More time to- to-
"Jan," a deep quiet voice speaks from somewhere in the dark.
Said man manage to hold back the startle at the unexpected call. "I thought you were asleep," he says in an echo of another night.
The amused small laugh that comes in answer tells him the other man remembers. But there is no further talk he guesses the man must have fallen asleep finally.
The sudden weight that settles atop of him proves Jan wrong, he should be used to it by now. "You should know better," is the whispered answer.
"With you I’ve never could," the trapped man says, honestly.
"You have known me for years," the other man speaks gently, teasing the skin under his jaw with his teeth.
"That- that’s exactly why," he breathes between soft moans.
Jozef only hums in response before simply kissing him square on the mouth.
Jan parts his legs in order to better accommodate his partner and wraps them around his waist, pulling him flushed against him.
They do not say anything else. They don’t have to, it isn’t necessary.
Goodbyes never needed many words.
Instead they speak with their hands and mouths, tongues and teeth, with their moans and groans and breathy chuckles.
"Làska." Jan whispers.
Jozef mumbles something in Serbian as he enters him slowly. And it feels so good.
It feels like love.
Jan wants to cry.
Jozef kisses him all through it. And it feels like benediction.
Jozef collapses on top of him; boneless in the afterglow, with Jan’s arms wrapped around his body. He cards his fingers absentmindedly through the raven strands of hair.
He wishes he could live in this moment forever; with the man he has been pathetically in love with in his arms, in the same bed and ignoring the outside world.
But life is nothing if not unfair and go back out they must. To try and assassinate one of Hitler’s closest.
Jan doesn’t get a wink of sleep that night. He is willing to venture and guess Jozef doesn’t either, he makes no move as to check it, though.
His heart breaks yet a little more.
Why does goodbye has to tast so bittersweet?
•
There is no date that isn’t due, right? Because sooner than Jan would have liked they are walking to their respective stances to wait for the signal.
Today is the day for the culmination of months of meticulous planning.
There hadn’t been time for much that morning but then again it hadn’t been necessary.
Words would never encompas everything Jan would want to tell Jozef. And the man probably wouldn’t want to hear them.
So instead he had kissed Marie and Jozef had kissed Lenka and that had been that.
And now he exchanges a look with his partner as the car approaches and he knows. He knows that words are useless.
•
Miraculously they had survived the assassination attempt. It had been partially successful, too.
Partially because Heydrich hadn’t died instantly. Partially because Lenka had died. Partially because they had been betrayed and nearly lost their lives in that Church where they had hidden but somehow managed to escape by hiding again though in coffins.
Jan hopes Marie and Miss Moravitc had survived, they deserve to have peace. They will probably never see each other again and it isn’t as if he can write to them.
Or any of his other comrades.
Not even Jozef, most certainly.
Because they are here; in the middle of a road nowhere, waiting for their separate raides and his heart lodge in his throat prevents Jan from speaking.
He knows his opportunity to say something is growing short and he desperately wants to speak, say something, anything.
Something like ‘take care’ or maybe ‘I hope you find your place, your peace’ or something more... personal like ‘you know I have always loved you’ maybe even ‘I will miss you.’
Yet he can’t find the words to say any of that. Not one word comes out of his mouth and he berates himself for it.
“Jan,” a gentle whisper brings him out of his reverie.
Jan whips his head around to stare at him. Jozef is already staring intently at him with those eyes of his.
“Jan,” he speaks again. “You should know, you surely must know that I-“ he trails off.
At that moment they heard the noise of a truck coming closer.
Jozef says nothing else, he gives a small, real smile before caressing his hand fleetingly.
Their time has ran out.
“Jozef, I-“
But his partner merely shakes his head; his smile grows sad before finally vanishing.
The truck stops a few feet away, a man looks out the window and yells Jan’s last name.
Jan looks between his ride and his partner. The man sounds the horn to get him to hurry.
Jozef remains speechless; he motions to the truck with a faint head nudge.
His eyes crinkling.
A goodbye.
+
30 April, 1945.
Jan never thought this day would come. The day Hitler died. The day the war finally ended.
Jan, or Thomas, has lived in this small town in Switzerland for the past few years without trouble, creating a life of his own.
Well, not really ‘his.’ Thomas’ life. Thomas, who works in a fabric and goes get drinks with his mates and laugh and generally pretend to be happy. He even tried to date one of his coworkers; a lady by the name of Claire, a blonde petite mother of two with fierce hazel eyes that Jan didn’t find as enticing as he should.
Like he used to find a pair of beautiful blue ones.
He tried to make it work but after comparing how she crunches her nose wrongly, how she laughs openly when he accidentally tickles her sensitive parts and it feels wrong. How her weight doesn’t press against the right ones in his own body and she smiles freely and she isn’t scarred by the war so she doesn’t understand his own.
So they are only friends now; her children like him after all.
People don’t cheer outside; they don’t celebrate not even someone shouting on the street. At least they comment on it on the radio.
Jan toasts to it with the nice Chianty someone gifted him last christmas.
No, someone gifted Thomas that bottle. Still, it’s Jan who drinks it.
Alone because Jan doesn’t have anyone here and Thomas doesn’t have any reason to drink for this.
But Jan lost people in this war; family, friends, comrades, so he’s going to fucking drink this bottle all by himself if he so wishes to.
Destiny though, has other plans for him because no five minutes later there is a knock on the door.
He ignores it and pours himself another glass.
There is a second knock.
He ignores it and drains his glass.
There comes a third knock, slightly more insistent than the previous two.
He slams the glass down on the table and stands up, annoyed.
"If’s 12 o’clock," he starts before even opening the door, which he pulls open forcefully. "What-"
All his annoyance fades in an instant; he just stands there slack-jawed and wide-eyed for there, in front of him, stood Jozef Gabćik.
"J- Jozef," he stutters; a hand absently holding the door open, the other hanging limply at his side.
The man stands awkwardly and clears his throat. "May I?" he asks, signaling with a hand to the inside of the house.
"Jozef," he speaks again, gobsmacked, as if he hadn’t heard him. "You- you are here," he breathes out.
Jozef’s smile is bright, carefree and happy, a sight Jan hadn’t seen before and which makes his heart gallop.
He can’t believe the man is here, in front of him; healthy, safe, beautiful. Alive.
Jan finally shakes himself out of his mind and steps aside to let the man in. Jozef walks inside letting his bag fall against the wall next to the door and follows Jan to the kitchen.
“I was drinking my way into this bottle,” he signals it with a finger. “Would you like some?” he asks, going to bring down another glass from the cupboard before even getting an answer.
Jozef nods anyway, this day calls for a drink after all. They stay in silence while drinking, not even making a toast.
Yes, the war had ended but they have nothing to toast to.
"How did you find me?” Jan finally breaks the silence.
They are sitting on the kitchen’s table at somewhere passeed midnight, swirling their drinks around on the glasses, just basking in the generalness of it all.
Jozef lowers his eyes to the tabletop, sighing. "I came here some time ago for work. At the time I didn’t know this was where you were sent to but I looked for you anyway and I found you," he pauses so he can drain the last of his Chianty. "You were coming out from a market by the hand of a beautiful blonde woman and I couldn’t-" he pauses again, eyes still lowered. "You seemed happy so I stayed away. Until now," he finishes.
Jan suppresses a smile in the dregs of his own drink before asking ‘why now.’
Jozef shrugs nonchalantly. "War is over, we are free. Besides we are the last ones of our group and I wanted to see you," he admits sheepishly.
Jan does smile now and takes Jozef’s hand, caressing it gently. "I am glad you are here," he says softly. "Claire and I are just friends now," he confesses with a wink.
Silence falls on them again; a clock ticks somewhere in the house, a car makes the windowpanes rattle, a cat meows in the dumpsters nearby and they quietly sit there with their hands clasped.
Hellos don’t need words either.
After a lifetime goes by, Jan pulls his partner up and tugs him to the room without even turning a light on.
It’s funny, isn’t it? How the presence of a person can change the way you see something. Because not an hour ago Jan didn’t think of this place as his.
And now, well now, as he lays in bed with this precious man cuddled against him he thinks this can be home for Jan Kubis too.