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Fourteen hours. Fourteen hours and they would be back home, back in Korea. Then maybe an hour later and they'd be back at the dorms. Back with Seungcheol.
Jeonghan can't help the grin that spreads across his face at the thought. He didn't think he would miss Seungcheol as much as he had the last few weeks, but of course their leader's absence was sorely obvious. And he was definitely sorely missed. Being the next eldest Jeonghan had tried to take on leadership tasks; he made sure all the members were comfortable in every hotel room, that they were all eating and sleeping well. when Minghao and Junhui had gotten sick (from each other, no less) he'd been the first to gently suggest they needed rest, knowing Cheol would have said the same. He'd stayed back and let the other members talk during their ments and he tried his best to calm any anxiety or homesickness from the members. All while battling his own dizzy spells still, complete with headaches and the occasional nausea. Even on stage.
In short, he's exhausted with no idea of how Seungcheol does this constantly, putting twelve others ahead of him no matter what.
Jeonghan leans his head back against his seat, Seokmin and Joshua talking quietly to each other beside him. His dizziness really hasn't been helping at all. Sometimes if he's not careful, stands up too fast or turns too quickly or something, he's rocked with it. Hell, sometimes even when he's just walking he'll stumble a bit. like in New York on their hunt for pizza. Seokmin had steadied him with gentle hands on his shoulders and a whispered "are you okay, hyung?" and Jeonghan just brushed it off because I'm the oldest right now, I have to be strong. The only person he’d really confided in the last few weeks was Joshua, but those were privileges Shua enjoyed as Jeonghan’s-best-friend-slash-everyone-else’s-hyung. In short, Jeonghan was obligated to complain to him and Joshua was obligated to listen. But he isn’t Seungcheol, Jeonghan quickly realized. Yeah they’ve been best friends since the day they met and Joshua knows him better than almost anyone but he’s not always great with the advice. With Joshua it’s “well you know what’s best for you” or “if you need to sit out then maybe you should”. Which is all well and good but sometimes Jeonghan needs someone to tell him what to do. To put their foot down and insist.
God, how he misses Seungcheol. Misses talking to him, misses his familiar, comforting skinship; the way they can hold hands and snuggle and it makes every one of Jeonghan's bad thoughts and feelings go away. He misses Seungcheol's full-bodied laugh, the way it peals through whatever room he's in, immediately brightening it. He misses Seungcheol's sweet smile, the one that shows off his gums, because it makes him look so young, so happy and relaxed. Like he hadn't been working himself into panic attacks almost every single day for a few months.
He knows Cheol is doing better, knows it because they talk every single night - FaceTime or just simple calls - but Jeonghan can't wait to see him. Can't wait to hug him and feel Cheol's warm, strong arms around him. Can't wait to tell him everything that's happened these last few weeks.
"Are you all right, hyung?"
Jeonghan looks up at the quiet voice, smiling at Seokmin's concern for him. Joshua is already passed out on his shoulder, even though the plane hasn't even taken off yet, Seattle rain pounding the windows. "Definitely. I'm just - tired. as much as I love touring and performing..."
"I understand, hyung. It's exhausting." He reaches out, maybe subconsciously, to hold Joshua's hand that's resting against his thigh. "Besides you're still kind of sick and you've been taking care of everyone the way Cheol-hyung does. You deserve to rest up."
The smile that lights up Seokmin's face is infectious, as it always is, and Jeonghan leans over to rest his head on his unoccupied shoulder. "Thank you, Seokminnie."
The captain comes over the plane's speaker and Jeonghan's asleep before he even finishes talking, one thought on his mind:
Fourteen hours.
The drive from Incheon to the dorms, everyone is antsy. They'd all gotten decent rest on the flight so now it's all nerves. wanting to be home, wanting to eat good Korean food again, wanting to unpack and sleep off jet lag and tour stress. But most of all, everyone is excited to see Seungcheol again. On Jeonghan's one side Chan is buzzing about the stories he wants to tell his hyung, and the others chime in with suggestions. The energy in the air is palpable, even with only half of them in this one van, and Jeonghan can't help but worry. He remembers the last few times they’d all been together as thirteen, how Cheol would often sit in finger-tapping, knee-bouncing silence, smile faltering everytime someone screeched or screamed. New Year’s Eve (rather early New Year’s Day) when the members had come home from Gayo Daejejeon and began regaling him and Jeonghan, Seungcheol had clung to him, fingers digging into his arm when it all became too much.
The last thing he wants is for Cheol to feel any anxiety on their first day home and with the way the other five in this van are already yelling, well of course Jeonghan is worried.
That's almost his default state these days, he realizes. worried or exhausted.
"We don't want to overwhelm him, Chan-ah," he says softly, giving the younger a gentle smile when he looks up at him, resisting the urge to ruffle his hair too because he really isn't a baby anymore; he turns twenty-two in a couple weeks. "Seungcheol's doing a lot better but he's still not a hundred percent."
"I know," Chan says, returning the smile. "I just can't wait to see him, hyung."
The brightness of his gaze reminds Jeonghan that, even though he's growing up, Chan will always be the little brother he never had (they all are, really) so he reaches out and ruffles Chan's hair anyway, grinning when the younger playfully scowls. "I know, Chan-ah. me too."
It's loud when they see Seungcheol again.
Most of the members talk over each other about everything as they vie for Cheol's attention, for his hugs and his gummy smiles. Jeonghan stays back, watching the scene with a warm sort of heaviness settling over his heart. They'd only been gone a few weeks but Seungcheol is everyone's favorite hyung, and Jeonghan knows they've missed his strength and his kindness and his warmth. God knows he has.
And then Cheol's standing a few inches from Jeonghan, something indecipherable in his gaze. There's his usual love and warmth pooling in those deep brown eyes, along with something else Jeonghan can't quite put his finger on. But he doesn't have long to dwell on it before Cheol's pulling him into his arms, crushing Jeonghan against his strong body. Jeonghan closes his eyes, breathing him in; the warm, crisp scents of his shampoo and body wash (the same ones he's been using for years), the way Cheol clings to him like he never wants to let him go again, the way it feels like he was meant to be here, in Seungcheol's arms.
Tears burn in his eyes and throat and he blames it on exhaustion, blinking them back.
"I missed you so much, Hannie," Seungcheol whispers near Jeonghan's ear.
"I missed you too, Cheollie. More than you missed me, I'll bet."
There's a puff of laughter on his neck and then he's being squeezed around the waist, Seungcheol pressing him even closer. "Not possible."
They stay like that for as long as they can and then Seungkwan's all but dragging them apart because "look what i got in L.A., hyung!" Jeonghan steps back again, letting the members have their time with Seungcheol. He jumps in when prompted, either to add details to a story or to remind these boisterous boys to take it down a notch when he notices Cheol gripping the arm of the couch a bit too hard, leg bouncing a bit too quickly.
And Seungcheol always gives him a gentle, grateful gummy smile.
He's like comfort food, Jeonghan decides, when they're laying in Jeonghan's bed together that night. Wonwoo had fallen asleep too quickly for Seungcheol's liking so he invaded Jeonghan's room with his pillow and that fuzzy blanket of his Jeonghan not so secretly covets. They talked for a bit, Seungcheol listening with rapt attention while Jeonghan regaled him with his own tour stories, and then they settled into an easy, comfortable silence, just looking at each other. Which brings Jeonghan to his current conclusion: that Seungcheol is like comfort food. Everything about him is kind and warm and familiar, like the tteokbokki his mother used to make for him when he had rough days at school.
"I really missed you Seungcheol," he whispers, meeting his eyes in the room's dim lighting.
"I missed you too." and then, with a soft smile, "I'm so proud of you, Hannie."
The desire to decline the compliment rises up and before he can stop it he's blushing and quietly trying to deflect. but Cheol is having none of it. He cuts Jeonghan off with a pout. a pout he knows Jeonghan is useless to resist.
"I'm serious, Jeonghan. you've been doing such an amazing job with the members, and I know you're still not feeling well, yet you're out there every night performing for the fans, making sure the boys are all happy and healthy."
"It's murder," Jeonghan decides to say instead of accepting the compliment, because those words leave a strange feeling in his body, one he can't quite place. "I think this is the least amount of sleep I've ever gotten in a period of time. How the hell do you do it constantly?"
There's unspoken words between them - "why do you think I've developed an anxiety disorder?" - but Seungcheol simply smiles. "I'm leader. It's my job."
"No, it's more than that, Cheol. Always has been. You enjoy it."
"I do, actually. I like taking care of others, like having them depend on me." A soft sigh escapes his lips. "I don't like disappointing them but that's a whole other story."
Jeonghan scoots closer on the bed and they're almost sharing one pillow (Jeonghan’s expensive memory foam one, of course, with the silk case). "You're not disappointing anyone, Seungcheol. You saw the videos Soonyoung took backstage - the way the fans screamed at your parts in the VCRs. You watched the L.A. livestream. You were out in that living room, listening to all of our members talk for hours, because they love and missed you. I promise you're not disappointing anyone." He reaches out and touches Seungcheol. lets his fingertips brush against his temple, down his nose, along his cheek. He meets his raven hair and takes a lock between his fingers.
"It's getting long," Cheol whispers with closed eyes. His breath fans Jeonghan's face, they're so close.
"I like it," Jeonghan whispers back, truthfully. "You should keep it. it looks really good on you."
"Yeah? But long hair's your thing."
Jeonghan rolls his eyes playfully even though Cheol's are still closed and he lets his fingers slip through his hair. "Ha ha. maybe it's time everyone calls you pretty boy."
Seungcheol laughs softly and then he's pulling Jeonghan closer, reaching up to take his hand in his, entwining their fingers. He opens his eyes and that - that thing is back, the thing in his warm gaze that Jeonghan can't name. With a soft sigh he brings Jeonghan's hand to his lips, brushing the softest kisses along his knuckles. it leaves his skin tingling, leaves warmth pooling in his body.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you," Seungcheol whispers. "At first I just blamed it on anxiety - I kept worrying, wondering if your dizziness was okay, if you were sleeping and eating well, if you were stressed. And then you started sending me pictures of you walking around new york and I... I wanted to be there. Not as S.Coups but as me, just Seungcheol. I wanted to explore all of these places with you. I wanted to come into your hotel room and eat shitty gamjatang with you. I wanted to stay up all night talking when concert adrenaline kept you from falling asleep. most of all I just wanted to be with you. Which made me realize something."
Jeonghan bites back a sigh because he'd wanted all that too. He's not sure why but for some reason the Choi Seungcheol shaped hole in his heart seemed bigger and emptier than ever before on the North American tour. And honestly he's glad Cheol missed him as much as he did. "What, Cheollie?"
Seungcheol takes a deep breath and kisses his hand again. "That I don't like being away from you. that I'm pretty certain I couldn't live without you. that all I want is to be by your side and have you by mine, for as long as we can."
His words fit inside Jeonghan's heart like missing puzzle pieces, filling an empty space inside him he didn't know existed. Nothing has ever felt more right than this. lying so close to Seungcheol, nothing but the two of them in the semi-darkness, holding hands, whispering so quietly no one can hear them. They're in their own world, as they always are when they're together, and it's the most perfect thing. "You know I'll be here," he murmurs, "for as long as you want me, Seungcheol."
He's not entirely sure when they got this close, close enough for their foreheads to touch, and then Seungcheol releases his hand to bring his own up to stroke Jeonghan’s cheek. His thumb is so warm and gentle against his skin Jeonghan thinks he might melt. "I'll always want you with me, Jeonghan," Cheol whispers. "and I'll always need you."
“Good. Because I don’t plan on leaving.”
Seungcheol smiles, eyes crinkling as they close, and Jeonghan wants to kiss him. The thought passes as quickly as it comes but the feeling lingers. Especially when Seungcheol licks his lips and shifts, snuggling even closer. It’s a thought he’s had before and back then he would just blame it on hormones or the intimacy in their friendship. But now, after spending an extended period of time away from Seungcheol - the first time he ever really has - Jeonghan wonders if it’s something more.
And if it is… what does that mean?
“You’re staring at me,” Cheol hums with his eyes closed still. “Is there something on my face?”
“No, it’s just…” He sighs. “I missed you a lot more than I thought I would. Cheollie, I think…” he trails off, wondering if he even should say it. He likes the vulnerability of this night, of just the two of them lying so close together, whispering in the darkness after so many days apart. Jeonghan just wants to lay his soul bare, tell Seungcheol everything. At least, a part of him does. And right now he’s not sure which part of him is stronger. “God, this is gonna sound - “
He opens his eyes with a gentle sigh. “Hannie, come on. I wouldn’t judge you. You know that.”
Jeonghan meets his warm, brown gaze and bites his own lip. “I know, it’s just…” he looks away, shifting onto his back. As if instinctively, Seungcheol is right there, head on his shoulder, peering up at him with those wide doe eyes of his. And Jeonghan can’t do it. He can’t bring himself to say what he wants, what he feels because he doesn’t even really understand it. Doesn’t know why he missed Cheol so much, why all he wanted was to be near him while they were apart. If it is something more than friendship he should keep it to himself. Yeah, that’s a good idea.
So he just smiles and runs his hands through Seungcheol’s thick black hair, liking the way the soft locks sort of curl around his fingers. “You know what, it’s nothing.”
“Are you sure?” Cheol asks with an unconvinced, raised brow. “Because you know you can tell me anything, Hannie.”
“I know. But I’m not ready to talk about this yet.”
He nods after a moment, eyes fluttering closed again. “All right, I respect that.” With a heavy sigh he shifts to snuggle into Jeonghan, burying his face in his neck. “I’m just so happy you’re home again, Hannie.”
“Me too, Cheollie,” Jeonghan whispers, wrapping his arms around Seungcheol.