Chapter Text
Serrah
Dear
Alistair,
I'm writing this to you now
Zevran tells me that you
I hope the recruits have not been
Maker, whats even the point. I decided to write this so that I could stop lying, and I've done far too much of that in my life... so I suppose I'll simply have to will myself away from scratching out every embarrassing thing. I bet you'd laugh at that: me, a mage and the hero of Fereldan, always quick and finding the clever solution to all our problems, and yet I stumble over my words, or pen, in this case.
I wish you were here now. I wish I could hold onto some brevity here but it seems to be beyond me by this point. Sorry. I imagine you have troubles of your own. But I felt. if not now then I'd probably never blast it. I couldn't let myself be at peace with that kind of regret hanging over my head.
So with all that forbidding language I bet you're looking forward to hearing that the dreams have been getting... worse. Much worse. I should have told you sooner, I could have told you when we last talked. I suppose we would have shared a bottle and drowned our worries and reminisced on times gone by. But I confess I was scared. Believe me when I say that this feeling is as foreign to me as it probably sounds to you. But that is the truth. I wouldn't allow myself that kind of intimacy, for fear of what might I might let slip. Have I ever told you what a lousey drunk I am? I suppose that answers why I never had much of the stuff.
But... the effort was pointless in the end, since I've decided just to come out with it all now. Maybe you'll end up hating me for this, but I will never know because that is the nature of letters and I expect I will not live to read another word in your script. Thank the maker.
As I face the horde I will hold you close to my heart, as the memory of your smile is the only thing in these dreary days that give me peace, and yet It fills me with such sorrow to think that it never came to anything.
I was simply content to have you by my side for so long, as I am rather used to pining from a distance. Like how I would gaze out over lake Calenhad, and wonder what lay on the other side. I was like a naive, caged bird. I did not know what I missed, so looking did not trouble me so. Likewise I knew from early on that you held no interest in me beyond friendship, and my wants seemed selfish and pointless when it meant upsetting that delicate peace we cultivated around the bonfire. I think both needed that time to sweep our problems away, and pretend our homeland was not on the verge of destruction. So I found distractions and hoped with time that my love for you would pass.
But it never has. I imagine it never will. Once I... no. it doesn't matter now.
The deep roads have never been so lonely. I feel the taint crawling through my veins like a foreign entity seeking to puppet my limbs. I see it's fingers flickering in the dark corners of my sight... and when I sleep I am yet another mindless thing amongst the throng. Sometimes, there are victims... and when I escape to the fade the demons come.
I can not decide which of these is the lesser evil. I hesitate to say that at least the desire demons give me... some pleasure. But I am no fool, and dragging myself away from them is more painful than anything else. I sometimes
Forgive me, this is all too sordid. I do not wish to worry you further when I have already said what I intended. Do not worry about my affairs. I have already set everything in order, and please do not come looking for me, as I will most certainly already be dead by the time this reaches you, and I would not have you risk your life over a corpse. I wish you well, my friend. May your future shine brightly in my absence. I would not wish you a moment's grief.
All of my love,
Gaius Amell