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Jongin is so excited, he's bouncing around the dressing room like a New Year's firecracker.
"Someone tranquilize him. I'm getting a headache from his frenetic energy," Junmyeon complains, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"It's dot, the tour finale, the first performances of a bunch of new songs," Jongin counters, grinning widely as he goes through the choreography for Jekyll for the hundredth time. His cropped jacket is going to let everyone see the intricate movements of his waist, and he wants to get the body rolls and twists just right for tonight.
"Yeah, yeah, we all know why you're really hyped up," Baekhyun singsongs. "I'm excited he'll be here, too."
Kyungsoo had told them on his previous military leave that he'd put in the request to come for one of the dot concerts, but was still waiting to hear which day the army would clear him to go to. They got the notice just yesterday, and Jongin could hardly sleep for all the excitement.
It’s not just that Kyungsoo will be able to watch the show. It’s that Kyungsoo will get to be a proper part of the audience, to have a true Kai fan experience for the first time ever, and Jongin is hellbent on making it a memorable experience.
His face lights up as his phone pings with a message from Kyungsoo, telling him where his seat is in the arena. It’s too bad the company can’t put him closer, but it’s a good spot with easy escape routes in case a fan gets out of line. It fucking sucks they have to strategically plan for such scenarios, but alas: People are scary.
When the lights go up and he hits the stage, Jongin goes all out. He holds nothing back, in the new choreographies and old. His Confession and Spoiler stage is extra lewd and he knows it, hoping it pushes all the right buttons. (He secretly hopes a fan in the audience records Kyungsoo reaction so he can savor it later. He misses those big doe eyes blown wide with wonder as he’d rehearse just for Kyungsoo in the SM practice rooms. Jongin remembers the look he got the first night he tried out his last solo routine with the body chain: they ended up fucking on the practice room floor to I See You on loop.)
He tries to favor Kyungsoo’s side of the stage as much as he can without getting out of position, smiling to himself about the time the two of them wound up in the same spot and argued over who was mistaken. The memory floods back to him and causes his smile to bloom with nostalgia. Gosh, he misses having Kyungsoo up here with him…
Before he knows it, the night is winding down, and they’re performing Angel. Jongin jogs toward his own angel, looking out into the crowd to lock eyes with him, and salutes him before pouring his heart into their special song.
Even if it’s a small thing,
I want to protect you for always
So you won’t ever have to suffer, I’m eternally love
The show ends, and Jongin bounds backstage, eager to get toweled off and freshened up. He checks his phone and giggles excitedly as he sees Kyungsoo did a play-by-play of his live reactions via text.
Our opening VCR is usually so dramatic, what is this hokey videogame stuff XD
You’re a superhot drag racer. Don’t we have a fanfic like this? Time to reread.
Those glasses look great, hope you still have them
Cropped leather jacket: you have no respect for my sanity, I see
Ya, tell Baek to go easy on those rolling hills hips. I think a fangirl a few rows down legitimately fainted.
He tucks his phone away in his back pocket, satisfied to save the rest for later, because Kyungsoo should be backstage any minute now. Jongin paces by the door, rocking back and forth on his heels.
“I don’t know how you can stand after three hours of dancing and the heat of the stage lights,” Junmyeon mumbles at him from a chair, exhaustedly slouched against the upholstery. “Sit down already.”
Just then, the door opens and Kyungsoo walks in. Jongin immediately tackle-hugs him before the others can swarm him.
Kyungsoo grunts at the impact and lets out a soft chuckle, hugging Jongin around his middle. His nose presses against the side of Jongin’s neck, and Jongin can feel Kyungsoo’s lips curl into a smile against his skin as he murmurs, “good to see you too, babe.”
“No hogging him!!” Jongdae yells. “I didn’t even get to have lunch with him last time he had leave, you two just holed up in your apartment the whole time.”
Chanyeol and Jongdae crowd around, joining the hug while playfully mocking Jongin by cooing “we looove you, Kyungsoo.” Jongin feels someone tickle his armpits and drops his arms from around Kyungsoo in reflex. It’s Baekhyun, of course, ready to steal his spot and give annoying smoochy smooches to Kyungsoo’s forehead, imitating Jongin in overdramatic fashion.
“Oh Kyungsoo, oh how can I live without you, please desert your post and live in my pocket foreverrrr,” Baek wails.
“I’m not that bad,” Jongin pouts.
“Yes you are,” Sehun says flatly, pushing a towel into Jongin’s chest before addressing the beagle-line all crushing Kyungsoo. “Now move, I need a hug from my favorite hyung, too.”
“Hey!” Junmyeon scoffs from his chair, offended. He gets up and comes to rub Kyungsoo’s shaved head affectionately and elbow their bratty maknae until Sehun is doting on him, too.
Once everyone’s had their hugs, they chit chat over the show, with Kyungsoo giving compliments to everyone on their stages. Everyone except for Jongin. (“I’ll give you very personalized feedback later, in private,” he purrs in a low voice in Jongin’s ear, fingers curling tightly along Jongin’s waist.)
A staff member eventually interrupts to get them lined up for a picture. They all pose close together, and the mood turns a bit more serious right after.
“It’s not the same without you, you know,” Chanyeol says quietly.
“Thanks. You guys looked so great, though,” Kyungsoo says sincerely. “I’m sure fans can hardly tell the difference.”
He’s met with a round of disagreeing ayyyys but Kyungsoo shakes his head, emphatically. “The fans loved it. I loved it. You’re all doing so well.”
----
It’s not the first nor last time Jongin hears a vulnerable sense of sadness, of mild insecurity. It comes out during one late night phone conversation, just before lights out at camp.
“Sometimes I wonder if people even remember me, or if six months is sufficient in this industry to disappear from the public consciousness.”
“Hyung, people miss you every day. Do you not read the comments on my Instagram lives? Every session has someone asking about you.”
“Yeah… I’m sorry, I sound stupid.”
“You don’t.”
“It’s just every once in a while, I wonder. If I’ll still be relevant a year from now when I’m out, or if I’ll be forgotten.”
“Kyungsoo, you’re unforgettable.”
Despite not being concerned about this, Jongin makes it his personal mission to ensure that fans are reminded of D.O. Management has emphasized a thousand times that Jongin needs to be careful with posting on Instagram, but Jongin figures he can sneak in little things here and there. He mentions watching Swing Kids on an IG live. In a compilation post, he slips in a video clip from last year that shows Kyungsoo preparing his cake and singing happy birthday to him. And Jongin talks about him every chance he gets in interviews, for EXO or otherwise. The comments don’t always make the final cut for publication, but some sneak through.
“When I think of Mark, I think of my member D.O. I really, truly love D.O. Whenever I look at D.O., I always think I would like to be like him,” he gushes in a SuperM interview.
The little name drops and flashes of Kyungsoo are his ways of reminding the public of the man he loves. Hell, he’d take out a permanent ad in Seoul Station proclaiming the greatness that is Do Kyungsoo, but that’d probably break the military’s strict “no promotion during enlistment” law.
His efforts don’t go unnoticed. Kyungsoo can’t help but smile (and fall a little bit harder for him) each time he runs across Jongin’s little mentions.
Kyungsoo finds little ways to show his affection, too. A pair of fuzzy bear slippers snuck into the stack of fan gifts at Jongin’s birthday party. A special delivery of fried chicken on what he knows is a ‘cheat week’ for Jongin’s diet.
It’s sweet, loving each other through these acts of tenderness from afar, sharing little pieces of themselves. But Jongin still wishes he had Kyungsoo back home, close by every morning and nestled in his arms every night.
It’s hard to believe it’s already February now. As SuperM touring winds down, Jongin finally has a chance to go to the studio to begin recording for his solo album. After being told for years that his solo debut was just around the corner, it’s actually happening.
It’s weird, going into the studio with just his manager Jaehyuk, and not the rest of his members. Jongin’s stomach bubbles as he steps into the sound room, bowing and shaking hands with the assistant producer that will be working with him today.
“Nervous?” Jaehyuk asks him kindly while the producer adjusts levers in preparation for the first take.
“Yeah, a bit,” Jongin admits. He shakes out his arms and legs, trying to loosen up.
“Don’t worry. We’re starting with one of the b-sides, so you can ease into it.”
Jongin nods, sucks in a deep breath, and steps into the booth. He checks the lyrics on the music stand. Ah, this one. He’d heard the demo for this track from the writers, cut straight from their songwriting camp and sent when it was still all English lyrics. It’s one of the smoother songs for the mini, no rapping.
“Let’s have you just take a listen through so you can hear the Korean lyrics to the music first, yeah?” the producer suggests through the window. Jongin nods and puts the headphones on to hear the backbeat start up.
And nearly gasps as he hears Kyungsoo’s voice fill his ears. Jongin’s eyes shoot straight to Jaehyuk, who gives him a knowing smile.
Kyungsoo sang the guide for his demo? How, when? So many questions flood Jongin’s mind but he quickly pushes them aside to drown in the dulcet voice crooning at him through his headphones. God, how he’s missed Kyungsoo’s singing. He gets lost in the simple melody, admiring the effortless lilts in his boyfriend’s voice as it hits the bridge. When the song fades out, Jongin immediately pulls off the headphones and stares at Jaehyuk.
“When??”
“He asked if he could awhile ago. Cut the track while you were in Italy and he had a day of leave. Hoped it would help you feel more comfortable getting started,” Jaehyuk explains.
“This is his song now, I can’t record this,” Jongin says.
“Nonsense. He even said he thought it suited you perfectly, kept the adlibs to ones best fitting your range. He has total confidence in you, as does the company,” Jaehyuk counters.
Jongin covers his mouth, a small tear leaking out, overwhelmed at Kyungsoo’s sweet commitment to carry out this thoughtful act. “The background vocals, those are his, too?”
“Yeah.”
“Keep them. For the final track. I’m not recording over those.”
Jaehyuk takes a moment to confer with the assistant producer. “I don’t think he can be credited, though. Enlistment rules and all.”
“That’s fine.” It can be their secret, along with everything else. As for the public, they never know.
With a deep inhale, Jongin puts the headphones back on. He nods to the producer to start up the track again, ready to pour all of himself into the song and make his hyung proud.