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Silence keeps odd hours and drifts off at times, but this behavior was different. She had been drifting off in the middle of lab business. First during meetings, and then at her station. Important deadlines were forgotten and samples were ruined in a daze. When I first worked with Silence back at Rhine Lab, I became used to her unusual schedule. When we were together, I built my life around them. Ever since she left, it's been hard for me to sleep. That is not why I followed her to Rhodes Island. I don't have any expectation that what we had could be repaired. But I still worry about her.
Lately, she had been staring off into space. Winded as if short of breath. Her superiors told her to take some time to rest, so she did, and then came back worse than ever. So her assistants came to me, saying, we're worried about her, weren't you two close, Saria, please, do something! Her staff and coworkers at Rhodes already care for her this much, but are still too intimidated by her to speak their concerns directly. This sort of deference is the attitude that Silence so often misinterprets as dislike. I told them this, with more irritation than I would have liked. I was annoyed with them for being so blind to Silence's feelings, even though it is no longer my place to worry about them. Because it is no longer my place to worry about them.
But they had tried speaking with her, and she had evaded answering. She shut down inquiry completely, which was unlike her. Wherever Silence goes, despite her austere and professional manner, she is well loved, and she is easy to talk to when you take the initiative to talk to her. I changed my opinion of her Rhodes Island coworkers. They were willing to talk to me, the women Silence hated more than anyone in the world, because they were so concerned for her, and did not know what else to do. They did not even try to ask what I did to make her hate me so much.
I avoid the lab where she works out of respect for her, and lately she had been glaring at me with even more hatred than usual, but there is no way for two people to avoid each other forever in the Rhodes complex. I suspect this is by design, but I had been hoping to find her in private, and spare her having to speak with me with her colleagues in the lab staring. I did not succeed.
One day, after training, I had come to the lab to make a delivery, and Silence had to sign for it. She had done everything possible to avoid being in the same room with me since I arrived at Rhodes, but that day, there was no way for her to avoid being close enough to touch me. She was distracted and irritable, and in her haste to accept the package, she dropped it. I seized the package before it hit the ground, saving Rhodes approximately 1.5 million LMD. I brushed against her as I caught the package. She smelled heavily of antiseptics, as if recently she had been trying to clean something.
The money saved was not worth the expression of loathing on her face. It would have been worse if the package had broken, but it is hard for me when she looks at me like that. Her austere stare used to be so soft.
Ah. I understand in this moment why this has been so hard. I understand why Silence left Rhine, and me. I did not follow her to change this. I made my choice knowing she would hate me for it, and I believed I was prepared for her to hate me this much, but when I look at her face, I still expect to see the expression of love she reserved only for me. It hurts every time when it's no longer there.
"Silence, I—"
"We need to talk. Now."
"Now?"
"Yes, *now*. Immediately."
"After the delivery, I will—"
"I said now and I meant now! If it could wait, I wouldn't say 'now,' would I? Our subordinates can handle it from here, clearly better than I can. Don't humiliate me by making this even more difficult."
"Then let's talk."
"Not here, in front of everyone, you are so...just follow me."
Rhodes has corners and stairways that are barely used. You can't avoid someone forever at Rhodes, but you can always steal away some moments to yourself. This is probably also by design. Silence found us a dead end, silent except for the hum of vents. She turned to face me, and was merely annoyed instead of hateful. I don't mind seeing her annoyed. Her annoyed face is close to the expression she makes when she is concentrating and thinking hard. One of the faces I used to love the most.
"This isn't ideal, but it will do...ugh. I can't believe I'm doing this."
"You said we needed to talk, Silence. Let's talk. Have I been upsetting you? I have kept my distance from you professional. And I have kept my distance from Ifrit as well, for now."
"'For now' isn't good enough, you should never speak to Ifrit again, but that isn't what this is about!"
"...if you don't want me to speak with her, I understand. But this cannot continue. She is no longer a child, and she has to know who and what she is. She must make her own choices with that information, both for her safety and your own—"
That was unnecessary of me. I should not have mentioned Ifrit in the first place. Silence would sacrifice everything for Ifrit, including and especially herself. I could not allow that, and this is why she left Rhine lab and me, and why I followed them.
"Shut up, don't you dare! We came here in pursuit of other options for her, and I won't have you stand in the way—look at what you're doing, I said this wasn't about her, and now we're fighting about her again. "
"I am sorry. I assumed that I was the problem."
"You are! Obviously, you're the problem, but you're so oblivious that you keep on misinterpreting the cause. If this was just about loathing you, this wouldn't have slipped out of my control! I'm not so unprofessional that I can't be near someone I despise. I have that much self control, but this problem is physiological."
"It's physiological, but it's my fault you're having it?"
"It was controllable before you came to Rhodes, and now you're triggering it every time you barge into my lab, stinking of sweat. Nothing works, I've tried every other solution to make it stop..."
"What are you talking about?"
"Please, Saria. Don't make me say it. What other possible problem could meet that criteria...my body won't listen to my brain. My feelings can't fight my instincts."
I should have known earlier, but somehow, it was hearing her voice crack in that moment that made me realize there was another scent underneath the sting of antiseptics. Musky and nostalgic. The smell of nights with Silence.
"What are you doing? You're getting too close..." So says Silence, but she does not pull away, and she doesn't resist as I pull open her lab coat, and lean in. I pull away before I become drunk.
"You're in heat. How long has it been?"
"Of course I am! It's been weeks...were you really not aware? You used to recognize right away when I was...sometimes sooner than I did."
"You hate me. The last thing I would have expected was to be the cause of a reaction like this."
"Yes, I do hate you. If only this body of mine would just understand that fact!"
Her eyes shimmer with tears. She really does hate me that much.
"...nothing I do is enough. If you only knew how vexing this was. I wish you had never come here."
She slumps against the wall.
"No matter how much I work to suppress it, whenever you're around, I catch myself drifting, seeking to lean against you, touch your hand, stare at your mouth, as if those days together had never ended. I shed my tears and hardened my heart enough to take Ifrit and leave you and the lab. When I heard you were defecting to Rhodes, I steeled myself with the confidence that I could endure anything after what it took to leave Rhine. Imagine my humiliation at being forced to acknowledge none of that effort mattered to these stupefying hormones that won't let me forget how good touching you made me feel."
Nothing I could say would be appropriate, so I say nothing, to avoid even accidentally expressing any happiness in her still having feelings for me, even just biological ones.
"Have you—" I began, but she cut me off immediately.
"Obviously I have tried everything. Don't patronize me. The heat suppressants aren't enough, I can't touch myself enough. There's no Operator here who I could trust with this side of me...and...ugh...they wouldn't be enough anyway. The need is so raw, I can't fight it, it's never been so bad, and no matter how furious I tell myself I am with you, it only makes the need stronger. Nothing will fool my body. It only wants what you used to give it."
"Silence...I am asking only to be clear. Are you asking for my help?"
I expected her to react with rage, but she only hugs herself and bites her lip. Her breathing has become labored. Her face is red. It's not from the anger.
"......why else would I be debasing myself like this, telling you...than if there was no other option..."
"I don't think...here? Now?"
"YES! No buts, no concern or sympathy, and above else, no thinking! Stop trying to intellectualize with me. I don't need you to tell me this is a bad idea or to try something else, I KNOW it is! Why can't you just understand how beyond reason I am that I can't even force myself to think about other options. I hate that I have to say it out loud, but I will beg if I have to, if that's what I need to do to prove it to you; I need you again, I need YOU, it has to be you, no one else can do, I need you to fuck me until I can't think about anything anymore."
"Okay, Silence. I will not make you beg. I'll help, as you request."
"You better be rough, without any love at all. This is a medical need. Just give me peace again."
She's shaking, so I hold her. She stiffens and pulls away for a moment but then suddenly melts into me. It really is true, no matter how much she hates me, her body doesn't understand. Her scent is overpowering so close. Then she pushes me away, weakly.
"Stop...stop...I meant it when I said this is a clinical procedure, so keep it that way. Don't get any ideas, don't do anything to make me love you. I don't need foreplay, make it hurt, I just need to feel it!"
There's really nothing more to say. I take off my coat instead. I have my own physiological limits, too.
Her reaction to my nudity is almost surprise. She swallows as I undress, staring. I had forgotten how much I tower over her. She glances at my old and new scars, my stomach, my breasts, my legs. Her breathing is heavy, and she looks as if she's forgotten what she's here to do.
"Silence?"
"You're already...this hard?" she asks me.
"It's biology, as you said. I assure you I am not romanticizing the situation, but I cannot help reacting after hearing you say things like that."
"I just...you never show your feelings on your face, Saria."
She reaches out to touch me.
"You said you didn't need foreplay. I don't either. Take off your clothes."
I didn't expect to see Silence blush at this point, but she does. She fumbles with her clothes, like she cannot wait another second, and in her frustration a zipper on her jacket catches, and she moans in frustration. I'm impatient too.
I shove her against the wall, harder than I mean to. But she's not the only one having problems controlling herself. She is shocked, and then immediately her eyes glass over with relief. She used to say 'I trust you' and 'I feel safe with you' when she made that face.
I pull off her underwear, completely soaked through. She's wet all the way down her thighs.
"This is all you need, right?" I ask her.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes, please, put it in, now, I told you, I don't need anything but this, right now."
"Stop squirming."
"I can't help it, please, just—"
She really has been holding it in. I lift up one of her legs. She braces herself against the wall with one hand and with he other spreads open her pussy for me. Even when we were first dating we never had sex this desperately. She's lighter than my shield. Had not thought my defender training would be good practice for fucking my ex-wife against a wall.
She shrieks when I'm inside her. She's wincing, she wants everything immediately, but her body can't keep up, so I have to go slow, and it's agony to her. And me. She moans so loudly that even in this lost corner of the RIIC someone could hear us, so I put a hand over her neck, gently but firmly. This has the unintended effect of her pussy coiling around me with shocking tightness, and then she relaxes enough to let me in.
"I'm going to move," I say, as I already am. Her whole body shakes against the wall. I'm using much more force than I should, but I can't control myself, and this is what she asked for. I slap my hand over her mouth as she releases an ear-splitting shriek, and I go as fast as I can, until her teeth clamp down and I can feel her coming. It felt like forever, but it was the fastest I think we've ever fucked.
"Silence? Are you okay?"
She shudders and moans with her orgasm's aftershock. She pulls herself off of me, and then grabs my arm to prevent herself from falling.
"Not...enough...more...more..."
I don't have the strength to keep fucking her against the wall, and she doesn't either. So I kneel, and let her ride my face, and dive my tongue into her. My cum and her fluids are all mixed up, and I lick her gently, persistently, until she pulls my hair so hard it feels like it will come out in clumps, and she comes again. Her scream is the loudest noise I have ever heard her make.
This time I have to catch her while she catches her breath. She nuzzles into me, kisses my breasts, allows me to pet her and hold her close, absolutely forgetting everything she insisted on when we negotiated this.
"Enough?" I ask her. She shakes her head.
The zipper on her coat is stuck, so I break it, and tear off the rest of her clothes. Between hers and mine, there's enough of a surface to fuck her on. She understands and rolls on to her stomach, drinks in smell of my sweaty clothes. She's too weak to move anymore, so I'll fuck her from behind. I'm just as hard as before, and I slip into her easily as she arches her back to accept me, and presses her back into my tits. I wrap around each of her limbs so she can't squirm.
Eventually, her body gives her release, and she comes one more time, and then another as I come with her. I don't bother trying to cover her mouth at this point. Whether or not it is enough, she passes out almost immediately, before I've even pulled out. If nothing else, the oblivion she craves is hers.
When Silence wakes up, she nuzzles against my chest for a few minutes before waking enough to remember where she is. She pulls away immediately, and grabs for her clothes. When I hand Silence her underwear she flushes beet red before grabbing them.
That was unnecessary of me. I selfishly wanted to see her embraced expression, thinking about what we just did. Her clothes are messy. Her sweater is inside out. The jacket is probably ruined, but it will do for keeping her modest until she gets to her dorm.
Silence is so beautiful. She really is.
I realize I'm staring, but she doesn't catch me, because she is too. I haven't bothered to put on clothes. When I meet her eyes, she looks away.
"Thank you. I'm sorry," she says.
"It's fine."
"I'm sorry...I..."
"Please, don't apologize. The need, as you said, was medical. It's in everyone's interest to see you healthy. You should go before your catch cold."
"...if it isn't about...her condition...you can talk to Ifrit."
"I don't need a favor for doing this. There is too much I already am in debt to you for. If you need me again. I'll be here."
"Ifrit wants to speak with you. She misses you. This isn't a favor. I've been keeping you two apart, but you should listen to her. Then you'll see. Let her speak. Don't try to tell her who she is."
She's already thinking about the child again.
"If that is what you want."
"I wish it was what you wanted."
"I want to protect you," I say. That is the wrong thing.
“I’m not the one who wants or needs your protection." She turns away.
"What is that shield of yours worth if you won't even protect our daughter with it?" She says, and then she leaves.
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FROM: Dr. Kal'tsit
TO: The Doctor
SUBJECT: RE: Rhodes Island Infrastructure Complex Maintenance
Also, we've been hearing complaints about the old ventilation system. According to the Operators in the dorms, they carry sound quite easily, which has lead to privacy and infosec concerns. When inquire into why this is really such an important concern, I am met with uncomfortable silence, sheepish snickering, and evasiveness.
I am beginning to think that private dorms might really be less of a pain in the ass if our Operators are going to continue to fail exercising good workplace boundaries. Please make room in the annual budget for soundproofing.
On an unrelated note, please admonish our junior Operators that HR is not a place for submitting "suggestions" for alternate callsigns for their senior colleagues. I have no idea why Silence's callsign has suddenly become so controversial, but the alternative suggestions offered are NOT appropriate and I will not be repeating them in official correspondence. Callsigns are final, I don't care what noises our doctors from Rhine Labs are capable of making, and cluttering my inbox with descriptions of them will lead to disciplinary action and a harassment complaint from the Operator in question if they continue.