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“I was in love, but it wasn't with you — it was with the idea of you.
And that's how we fell apart — tumultuously, tragically.” - Maria Monrovia
I.
When Baekhyun and Chanyeol were one year deep into their relationship they planned their perfect home.
It consisted of a fireplace for cold winters, perhaps an upstairs where their room was the biggest one, a nice kitchen that had the view of the backyard and maybe it could have a small office space where Baekhyun could paint and Chanyeol could write music.
After two years, none of that ever came true.
Instead, they got a small apartment. There was no fireplace and the heater would sometimes not work during the coldest winters, the kitchen had no view of a nice backyard; it was just a blank beige wall, they couldn't even paint it. There was a small office, but instead of Baekhyun painting or Chanyeol writing his music there; it was used for when the couch became too uncomfortable to sleep on.
No matter how much money they saved up, having their perfect home wasn't on the list and was never going to be on the list.
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II.
Their friends knew.
It wasn't normal to hang out and not have Baekhyun and Chanyeol be at war with each other. In their home, everything was divided. There was a line that each of them couldn't cross. For the first couple of months, Chanyeol had been sleeping on the couch.
They switched sometimes. Those times were rare.
Baekhyun usually spent his time at Jongdae’s house now.
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III.
Their love used to be filled with passion.
Chanyeol used to write small notes to Baekhyun every day. Small things like I hope you have a good day or you look beautiful today. It made Baekhyun feel loved and comforted. In return, Baekhyun supported Chanyeol in his music. Pushed him to sing at open mics once in a while, made him submit a song for a competition that ended up giving Chanyeol a bit of fame. They equally showed a lot of love for each other.
-
Those notes stopped after two years.
Baekhyun stopped supporting Chanyeol.
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IV.
“I love you, Baek.” Chanyeol smiled as he gently grabbed Baekhyun's chin.
“Yeah?” Baek giggled. “How much?”
Chanyeol laughed and pecked the smaller man's lips. His smile grew as he saw Baekhyun try to chase his lips only to miss.
“You know, you're supposed to say it back.” Chanyeol leaned forward just barely touching Baekhyun's lips.
Baekhyun smiled and wrapped his arms around Chanyeol's neck.
“I.”
One kiss.
“love.”
Another kiss.
“You.”
Baekhyun gasped as Chanyeol pulled him completely against him. Kissing him with every ounce of love he had in himself. Enjoying the small whines Baekhyun was letting out.
“I'm going to marry you one day,” Chanyeol whispered against Baekhyun's lips.
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V.
Baekhyun slammed the door shut only for Chanyeol to open it seconds later.
“Leave me alone!” Baekhyun yelled, throwing a pillow at Chanyeol’s face.
Chanyeol grabbed it and threw it on the floor. He walked towards Baekhyun with determination.
“Talk to me, Please Baek.”
Baekhyun pushed him away and headed for the door. He needed to get out and not be in the same room as Chanyeol.
Baekhyun barely grabbed the doorknob when he felt Chanyeol grab his shoulder and slam him against the wall.
“I've had enough! Talk to me, now!” Chanyeol yelled holding Baekhyun with a tight grip.
Baekhyun whimpered and tried to push Chanyeol away from him but it was no use as the taller man was much stronger than he was.
“Fine! You want to talk, we’ll talk!” Baekhyun finally let the tears he was holding back flow. “You kissed him! You kissed my best friend Chanyeol.”
Chanyeol let his grip go as he watched Baekhyun sob.
“You kissed him. Why… why would you do that to me?”
Chanyeol stepped back as Baekhyun finally looked him in the eyes. If he was being honest, he knew why he kissed someone else on the only night out that he and Baekhyun had been able to have after days of work. They had been fighting. He was tired and he wanted something else.
Baekhyun sniffed. “I hate you.”
-
VI.
Baekhyun should have expected this.
They had been fighting for a couple of weeks. Starting arguments over the smallest things. A plate was not put away properly, the bed not being made or perhaps the dirty laundry not being washed. Eventually, by the end of the day, they would forgive and forget. It happened many times, more than what Baekhyun would like to admit. Even if they patched themselves up, there was always that silence afterward.
-
With having a relationship came the fear of the other person realizing you're not as great as they thought you would be.
When Baekhyun first started dating Chanyeol, he feared that he wouldn't be enough.
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VII.
“Have I mentioned that I’m going to marry you?” Chanyeol spoke up from the chair he had been lazing on.
Baekhyun laughed. “Maybe once or twice a day.”
Baekhyun hummed as he focused back on his painting. Sudden arms around his waist made him jump and drop his brush making paint splatter on his shoes.
“Chanyeol! You could’ve made me mess up!” Baekhyun huffed trying to pry the taller man's arms off of him.
Chanyeol huffed a small laugh and left a gentle kiss on Baekhyun's neck.
“But you didn't, because you're an artist.” Chanyeol hummed and let his hands slip inside Baekhyun's shirt.
Smooth skin captured Chanyeol's attention. He let his hand wander down to Baekhyun's small hips and prominent hip bones. His boyfriend was beautiful.
Baekhyun gasped slightly. “I'm not an artist. I'm just someone who thinks they can draw and who has unrealistic dreams of having his art in museums one day.”
Chanyeol gripped Baekhyun's hips slightly tighter causing the smaller man to let out another gasp.
“Don't sell yourself short Baek. You're an amazing artist. One day, when I'm famous and making my albums I'm going to let you create the art for them. Everyone is going to know your name.” He kissed Baekhyun's neck, nipping it gently.
Baekhyun let out a small moan and angled his neck so Chanyeol could have better access.
“Please. Touch me.”
“Anything you want. Anything at all Baek.”
-
VIII.
Four years.
That's how long they had been together. They were still going strong, despite fighting every week. Their friend suggested couples therapy, but Chanyeol didn't want that and Baekhyun agreed with him. They didn't need it. Sure they fought a lot, ignored each other once in a while, threw things at each other during their fights and never agreed on anything anymore but they could solve it on their own. They had solved it before.
Although the more Baekhyun thought about it the more he realized it had never gotten this bad before. Recently they had fought every single day; it got so bad that Chanyeol packed a bag and decided to stay at Sehun’s place for a bit.
That was two weeks ago and Chanyeol had not returned. Baekhyun hadn’t gotten a single call or text, but he also didn't even try to contact Chanyeol. If he was being honest with himself, he didn't want to talk with Chanyeol.
Baekhyun for the past two weeks had been cleaning out their apartment. Getting rid of old clothes, putting papers that were scattered everywhere in their rightful place and just organizing everything. He had come across a box he thought he had lost or thrown away.
This box is where he kept everything Chanyeol had ever given him, memories of them together.
Baekhyun felt nostalgic.
He went through everything in that box.
Every rose Chanyeol had gifted him on his birthday, their anniversary, anytime he was feeling sad and just on regular days because Chanyeol loved to see him smile.
Polaroid photos of dates they went to, events they attended together. Intimate moments alone with each other. Some of those made Baekhyun feel flustered.
Ring and bracelets gifted to him on his birthday and anniversaries. Some were very old because of the many times Baekhyun had worn them. Looking at this jewelry made him realize he had not worn any of them in a long time, a really long time.
At this point, Baekhyun knew he was crying.
The small slips of paper where Chanyeol used to write cute notes for him stared at him. Burned holes into him. Everything felt wrong.
He threw everything back in the box and kicked it underneath the bed. He didn't want to see it. Baekhyun wrapped his arms around himself and cried. Everything he had been holding in for so long finally poured out.
Chanyeol was the ideal man.
He was everything Baekhyun had ever wanted in a partner. He was comfortable and perfect, too perfect. Baekhyun had shaped him to be like this.
Before they got together, Chanyeol used to be so different. They both would have never been each other's ideal type, but because their friends thought they would be cute together, they both just gave in and started dating.
Baekhyun liked adventure, he liked passion. Chanyeol did not.
Baekhyun loved horror movies and roller coasters that made your heart want to pop out of your chest. Chanyeol did not.
Baekhyun loved showing his love everywhere and anywhere. Chanyeol did not.
Baekhyun was loud, scandalous, outgoing and you would never miss him at a party. Chanyeol was the opposite.
Somewhere the lines had blurred.
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IX.
He was awake.
He looked at the man sleeping peacefully right next to him.
After three weeks Chanyeol had come back home and apologized to Baekhyun, to which Baekhyun had also apologized.
It was the same routine. A broken record that Baekhyun didn't want to play anymore.
A small sob left Baekhyun’s lips and he instantly covered his mouth with his hand. He couldn't wake Chanyeol.
He turned around carefully not to wake Chanyeol and faced the ceiling. He let his tears roll down his face as he kept his hand covering his mouth to silence himself. He felt sick. Something nasty in his gut was making him feel like this. His heart hurt; it felt like he was suffocating.
The realization of all of it had come to him.
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X.
“I- I can't,” Baekhyun whispered.
“What?” Chanyeol's smile dropped.
Baekhyun winced and cleared his throat.
“I can't marry you.” He bit his lip. There was no time for crying, he wasn't going to cry.
Baekhyun watched Chanyeol's face turn from sadness to confusion, to finally anger. He flinched back as Chanyeol threw the small velvet box across the room.
“Why?!” Chanyeol yelled. “We've been thinking about this for years! We've planned this, I've given everything up for this! How- how could you be so selfish?!” Chanyeol's voice cracked. “Why- I don't understand.”
“I just can't marry you!” Baekhyun backed away, even more, putting more space between him and Chanyeol.
He watched as Chanyeol lifted his head locking eyes with him. Chanyeol walked towards him ready to grab him and that's when Baekhyun blurted it out.
“I don't love you!” Baekhyun cried. “I- I don't love you, I think... I never did love you.”
Chanyeol stopped an inch away from baekhyun.
“I'm sorry Chanyeol,” Baekhyun whispered. “I realized that I never really did love you; I only loved the idea of you. You were just there, all the time. You were comfortable and I loved that, but all this fighting made me realize… I don't want this. I'm not in love with you.”
Baekhyun bit his lip and reached up towards Chanyeol's cheek only for Chanyeol to grab his arm.
“Don't. Get out.” Chanyeol muttered.
“Wha-”
“Get out! Fucking leave! Get out Baekhyun, please.”
Baekhyun watched as Chanyeol finally cracked and let his tears fall. He stepped back until his back hit the door. Baekhyun grabbed the doorknob and opened the door slightly. He let out a breath he was holding in and looked at Chanyeol for the last time.
“Okay,” Baekhyun said and then he walked out.
-
Four years of nothing.
All Baekhyun had to do was wake up one day, see Chanyeol sleeping peacefully and realize.
He was not in love with Chanyeol, he never was.