Work Text:
Moving to Austin with his father was probably the best thing that could have happened. TK felt more comfortable with the 126 then he had felt with his old firehouse.While he trusted his old team to have his back at work, he had never been invited out with them or invited to eat lunch/dinner with them. He was the Captains son, and that’s all he was to them. His father had done well in choosing who to hire for the 126. His new team didn’t just see him as Owen’s kid, but as a damn good firefighter, and a person worth talking too.
Though, no matter how comfortable he was with his new team, and his new place, none of them knew much about him other than the obvious, ‘firefighter-Son of the Captain-gay’. Most of the team had shared intimate details about their lives before being in the 126, about their past. The kind of things you tell people that you trust with your life. The things you tell your family, or closest confidant. Truths about your life that are hard to share, but you trust them enough to listen, without judgement.
Owen had told them about September 11th. He had told them all about how difficult it was to lose so many in such a short amount of time, and how each day of searching for life in the aftermath was like losing more and more of himself. TK knew he spoke to the team about his mother too, and how hard it was to raise TK as a single father while being a firefighter. He told the team about his diagnosis that he had gotten before coming to Austin, he had been nervous about telling the team, but TK comforted him in the fact that the team wouldn’t think any less of him and they’d know that he would still be able to do his job as a Captain; which had been confirmed after meeting with the team to inform them of the cancer.
In response to Owen’s story, Marjan had opened up about the awful things that were shouted at her, by people who were prejudiced and terrified of her heritage, assuming that because she was Muslim she was a threat to their country. How even before the attack, she was always called out and discriminated against, even from those closest to her. She had talked about how her old firehouse had wanted to keep her in response to her high view count on YouTube, and not because they wanted to. Marjan explained the verbal-abuse she had to sustain from her old Captain, and how that day that she had lost her hijab in the field and the team formed a wall for her, in respect of her culture, was the moment she knew that nothing could take her away from the 126.
After hearing about the all the things her old Captain had said and done, Owen had made a few calls to make sure that the man was put under investigation to be fired, immediately.
The team had already known what had happened with Judd’s team. They had known when they came on what had happened. Judd never talked about that day, but he told them about the ones he lost. He talked about who they were as people and the antics that they used to get up to in the firehouse. Judd also spoke about Grace. About how hard their relationship had been, not so much from her side of the family, but from his. How his mother won’t even speak to him anymore because of who he chose to spend his life with. How his father told him it was a phase and when he met the right ‘nice white girl’ he’d be back to normal. Judd told them that his old team were the first people close to him that had been accepting of his marriage and had welcomed Grace in with open arms.
Paul had confided to them, about his abuse at the hands of his father, after a particularly bad call where a man set his house on fire in hopes of ‘burning the evil out of his daughter’. He had spoken to them about how the abuse started as soon as Paul started to realize why he had felt wrong in his body. The moment he had told his parents about who he was, it had been nothing but hateful words and bruised skin. It had gone on for about 6 years before his mother had realized just how bad her husband had been treating Paul, when she found him lying on the floor, bruised and bleeding, after his father had thrown him down the stairs. He spoke about how it had taken years for his mother accept him for who he really was, but even with her struggle to understand, she was with him every step of the way during his transition.
Mateo talked about how he was bullied constantly at school. Being talked down to by students and teachers alike. He talked about how that was nothing compared to the way his older brother had treated him. His brother who had been his role-model growing up. Mateo’s brother became a doctor. Mateo couldn’t pass his classes in high school, he didn’t get into College and he couldn’t pass the exam to become a Firefighter, and his brother made sure to never let him forget that he was a failure. He also made it a point to thank Owen, as he was the first one to ever tell Mateo that he was not stupid. After that confession, the team had spent the next week helping Mateo so he could pass his exam.
It had been months since he moved to Austin, months of his team becoming a family and putting trust in each other, not only with their lives physically, but the emotional parts of their life too. And yet, other than his father, no one on the team knew anything about him. TK’s therapist had been urging him, since his 3rd session, to talk to them. To open up about his past, and what happened to him. TK knew logically that the team would be there for him, and that they wouldn’t judge him, but he was terrified about opening himself up like that. He was embarrassed about being rejected by someone who he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with. He was angry and disappointed in himself for his relapse and making his dad worry. And TK didn’t want to see the looks in their eyes when they learner the truth. He was terrified he would see pity, or worse, disgust in their eyes when they found out he was so weak from getting his heart broken that he relapsed after years of being sober.
The only person other than his father that knew anything was Carlos. Beautiful, strong, kind and perfect Carlos. TK had been shocked at himself for giving up that kind of personal information, especially to someone who he was attracted to, recently slept with and barely knew. But TK had seen how hurt Carlos was, and how scared for TK he was, and the care he had while wiping blood from his face. He just needed Carlos to know, that it was nothing that Carlos did, and there was nothing wrong with him. It was TK that was the mess.
TK saw Carlos for all that he was, a kind hearted and special kind of person that deserved someone amazing, and that wasn’t TK. He was still dealing with the pain that had come from Alex breaking him. He knew he would only screw it up if he started something with Carlos.
Carlos was everything that Alex wasn’t. Where Alex had been thin and lean, Carlos was tall and broad shouldered, with biceps that strained against his t-shirts. Alex was a health nutritionist and Carlos was a cop. Alex was indifferent to things that didn’t concern him, Carlos went out of his way to make people comfortable. Carlos’ eyes were soft, where Alex’s had always had an edge to them.
Carlos was light, and TK refused to diminish that light.
He hadn’t even spoken to Carlos since that night at the bar, when he had spent the whole night ranting about Judd. That night showed another aspect of Carlos that TK hadn’t expected. Carlos helped him think. He didn’t sugarcoat and try to appease TK by saying Judd was wrong. Carlos got TK to think about why he had been so pissed. He had pushed TK to think about it, and realize that yes, Judd was the only one to ever speak to him that way, and he needed that. It meant Judd cared enough to call him out on his actions, and not just let it go in fear of getting in trouble with the Captain for yelling at his son.
That night after the bar Carlos has asked TK if he could take him out again and TK has turned him down. He saw the disappointment in Carlos’ eyes, but he couldn’t keep being alone with Carlos like that. Learning new and wonderful things about Carlos, and seeing just how perfect he was. TK fell hard and he fell fast. He had always saw it as a fault of his, because he moved so fast that his head took too long to catch up with what his heart was doing, so he never caught the signs of things going downhill until they slapped him in the face with a, ‘I’ve met my soulmate, and it’s not you’. TK saw what he could have with Carlos, and he was terrified of starting something with him, just for Carlos to realize TK wasn’t worth it.
Carlos had given TK a small smile, a kiss on the cheek and let him know that if TK ever needed him, he had his number and knew where he lived. And that had been that. They’d see each other on occasion when they were called to the same place, but that was all for work. TK would also occasionally see him at the bar when he went out with the team, which is where TK found himself tonight.
The team had a particularly rough day so they decided to make their way to the bar together to decompress. They were all sitting around a table, food in the middle to be picked at, and everyone in various states of drunk. Which is why he was not all that surprised to finally be asked the question he had been waiting for since the first time they had come out together.
“TK, dude, why do you never drink when we go out?” Mateo asked innocently, his eyes glassy and curious.
“Yeah man, you know it may not be New York, but these bartenders still know how to make a mean drink.” Judd said, holding up his own drink as proof, before downing the rest in one gulp.
TK made eye contact with his dad, and he saw the compassion in his dad’s eyes and the understanding there. TK knew his dad wanted him to open up to the team, but TK couldn’t do it. He wasn’t ready. Especially while they’re all at a bar, where you have to raise your voice to be heard. Especially since he’d been on edge for hours and felt like he was coming out of his skin.
“I just never got into it.” TK shrugged, “Never really been a fan.”
“Yeah, which makes going out together perfect. I’ll always have a designated driver.” Owen joked, then changed the subject knowing that TK was uncomfortable, “Speaking of needing a designated driver, whose ready for another round?”
The team cheered and TK relaxed at the change of pace, and the team forgetting the previous conversation by shouting out what they wanted.
TK excused himself, needing a moment away from the team, and the noise and the drinks. He made his way out the door and into the night air, letting the fresh air cool him. Some days were harder than others, going out to the bar and being surrounded by alcohol, and people getting drunk, especially after an awful day like he had, had.
TK knew he probably should have rejected the invitation to come out and have just gone home, but he hadn’t wanted to be alone. One of their calls of the day had been particularly rough for him, and he hadn’t been able to get it out of his head. He knew his father would have stayed with him if he mentioned it, but TK hated forcing his father to cancel his plans because his son was an addict who couldn’t be left alone when having a bad day.
“Rough night?” a soft, familiar voice spoke next to him. TK didn’t have to turn his head to see who had joined him, next to his perch on the railing. He knew that voice.
“I didn’t see you in there.” TK responded, ignoring the question being asked. TK knew that Carlos hadn’t been at the bar, he had searched the room hoping for just a glance of the beautiful man. Just hearing his voice had TK relaxing.
“I just got here. Michelle is inside, I’m supposed to be meeting her for a drink.” TK could feel Carlos’ eyes on him, knew that he could probably read the tension and obvious discomfort TK was radiating in waves. Carlos was a cop, and a damn good one. He knew how to read body language. “What are you doing out here by yourself?”
“Shouldn’t you go meet her then?” TK snapped back, his head turning to look at Carlos. It was a bad idea. He was too close, they were inches away, and Carlos’ eyes were just as beautiful as he remembered from the last time he was this close to him. All he wanted was to lean into this man. TK wanted to kiss him, he wanted to lean in those last few inches and forget about the day, forget the cravings he was feeling.
“I think you might need me more then she does at the moment.” Carlos replied, ignoring TK snapping at him.
“Carlos-“
“No.” Carlos interrupted, “Just listen, please. I didn’t tell you this before, but I have a brother, and a few years ago, when he went off to college he got in with the wrong people and starting using.”
TK’s eyes widened in surprise, Carlos gave a small smile in reassurance. “He overdosed, and was thankfully found by the right people, before we lost him. After rehab, he came to stay with me. I helped him through his worst days, so I know what it looks like when you’re having a hard time.” Carlos’ voice was soft, and cautious. He was worried he overstepped. Carlos wanting nothing but to be with this boy and treat him the way he deserves, but he knew TK wasn’t ready for that. Carlos has held back, and kept his distance, but he couldn’t help it tonight. Not when he pulled up and saw TK, his eyes distant and lost looking, Carlos knew he needed someone.
“There was a call today,” TK started, his voice trembling, looking back out into the night “it was really bad and it keeps playing in my head, and I just keep thinking that… I could forget it. Just for a little, if I..” TK broke off in shame. Not wanting to admit that he thought about it. About having a few drinks to get up the courage to find someone to sell to him, so he could forget.
“Hey,” Carlos turned towards him, putting his hand on TK’s, “But you didn’t. Your sitting out here because you knew you needed a break. You talked to me about it instead of letting the thoughts sit and fester in your head, to the point of making it a reality.”
“TK, why didn’t you tell me?” Owen interrupted. Neither of them had even noticed the door open behind them. “No that’s wrong, I should’ve seen. I knew there was something off, I should’ve realized after that call.” Owen shook his head.
TK pushed off and went to his dad and pulled him into a hug. “It’s not your fault you didn’t notice dad. I should’ve said something. This isn’t on you, okay?” he asked as he pulled away from his father. Owen nodded, pushing his son’s hair out of his face.
“We’ll let’s go home then, we’ll watch some dumb movies and eat popcorn.” Owen offered. That had been their go to form of distraction. Finding the worst movies made, and throwing out comments and making fun of just how awful it is. It always seemed to help TK out of his head, to focus on something silly instead of the constant flow of negative thoughts that would take over.
“No, dad. You’re having a good time with the team. I’m not going to have you leave just because of me. I’ll be fine.” TK assured, despite knowing that it would suck going back in and sitting there with the others.
“If I may,” Carlos cutting into the conversation, both Strand’s turning to focus on him, “I don’t mind taking TK, if he’d like. Then you won’t have to leave and TK won’t be alone. It’s not like it’s a hardship to spend my night hanging out with you.” Carlos finished, his eyes on TK. TK felt a blush rise over his cheeks at the obvious look Carlos was giving TK, in front of his father. The small smile, the concern in his eyes, the truth of his words.
Owen looked back and forth from them both before turning a sly smile onto his son, “Is there something you would like to tell me son?”
“What?!” TK stuttered nervously, “No, of course not.”
“Mhm.” Owen replied, his smile showing just how much he believed him. He knew his son. Owen knew that TK opening up to someone about anything personal was a huge feat, especially since getting to Austin.
Owen saw the relationship with his son and the rest of the team on a daily basis, and was worried when TK refused to open up to them. Was worried that other than his therapist, he had no one other than him to talk to. And Owen knew that TK had been holding back, because of how worried he was about him and the cancer. He knew TK kept a lot to himself, in hope of not stressing him out and causing him to worry. So, to know he was opening up to someone, even if it was someone that Owen didn’t know well, and didn’t realize his son knew well. Owen knew Officer Reyes was a good man, just from the calls they had been on together, and with how Michelle spoke of him. But to see the care and admiration he had in his eyes as he looked at his son, he knew TK was in good hands with this man.
TK huffed, “Look, fine. I’ll go with Carlos, and you go back inside okay?”
“As long as you’re sure you don’t want me to leave with you.” Owen replied, making sure his son was really okay with leaving without him.
“I’m sure dad.” TK hugged his father again is reassurance. “No go back inside and have a good time.”
“Okay kid.” Owen smiled, patting TK on the cheek, “Gotta get back in there and show up the others on the dance floor.”
TK laughed, having no doubt that’s exactly what his father would go do. Owen turned back to Carlos, his face going stern, despite the fact that he knew his son was in good hands.
“Take care of my kid, Officer Reyes. You may be a cop… but I know people.” Owen threatened, only half joking, as he held out his hand for Carlos to shake.
Carlos shook it with a smile, “Of course sir. And could you let Michelle know I had to leave? And I’ll talk to her tomorrow?”
“Will do.” Owen nodded at Carlos before turning back to TK, “I love you son. Call me if you need anything, okay? I’ll see if one of the others can give me a ride home.”
“I will, I love you too dad.” TK responded with a smile. Owen gave them both a smile before walking back into the bar.
TK let out a sigh of relief as soon as his father was out of sight. He hated worrying him, he didn’t want to put any kind of stress on his father. TK had put his father through enough and with him on chemo treatments and pushing his way through work, TK needed his father to have a moment to do things for himself, that wasn’t watching over his son.
“Come on.” Carlos said, his hand on the small of TK’s back, leading him to his car. Carlos opened the passenger seat for him and nudged him to get in.
“So, would you feel more comfortable at yours or mine?” Carlos asked with an easy smile as he started driving. A soft tune spilling through the radio, not loud enough to understand the words, but enough to fill the silence that went on while he waited for TK to answer.
“You can just drop me at my house, you don’t have to stay with me.” TK replied, his eyes on the world outside the window. He wasn’t sure being alone with Carlos in either house was a good idea. TK was vibrating with need. Need to get out of his head. Need to feel something. Need to be wanted by this man. Need to not get his heart broken again. Need to be in the quiet. The need to be surrounded by sound. His head was a mess of back and forth, not knowing how he had let his head spiral so fast.
TK startled slightly when Carlos reached over and placed his hand over TK’s, “I’m not leaving you alone tonight Tyler.” TK let out a small breath of surprise at the use of his name. He hated people using his full name, no one other than his father and Carlos even knew it. And hearing it come from Carlos, without that hint of smugness that he had used the first time he spoke it with his middle name, it was like a warmth coming over TK in waves.
The last person he had allowed to even call him Tyler was his mother, and after she left them, it felt wrong for it to come from anyone else. But Carlos speaking it, so soft and full of compassion had TK reeling, his heart racing. TK tried to not show how much the use of his name coming from Carlos had affected him, but knowing that Carlos had probably caught it all.
TK kept quiet, not knowing how to reply. He didn’t want to go home, but the last time he had been at Carlos’ was the night of the disastrous dinner, that still plagued TK, thinking of all the ways it could have gone differently.
“How about we go to mine?” Carlos suggested, taking his hand back to put on the wheel, “You can even stay over for the night so your dad won’t feel the need to keep checking up on you.”
TK instantly felt hot. The idea of staying over with Carlos. Of getting to know each other intimately, while rolling around in Carlos’ bed. He thought about how much he wanted it. How their first time messing around together was quick and TK hadn’t been able to explore the way he wanted too. How he could take his time worshipping Carlos. TK also knew that, that couldn’t happen. TK knew Carlos deserved more than sex, and sex was the only thing we has good at. He wouldn’t do that to Carlos.
“I don’t think staying the night would be the best idea.” TK mumbled in reply.
Carlos glanced over at TK, catching onto his tight posture, his heated cheeks and his hands gipping his jeans, the way he refused to make eye contact, or even look over at Carlos.
“I’m not asking you to sleep with me, TK. I have a guest bed that’s somewhat comfortable to sleep on, and you’ll have someone around in case you need something.” Carlos explained, hearing TK sigh in relief, and also a little disappointment.
Carlos knew that TK was attracted to him, knew it from the moment at the bar when he had asked him to dance. Carlos had felt it that first day that he had taken TK back to his house. But he also could see just how much TK was struggling with himself. Carlos could see it in the way TK held himself, putting on a smile, doing his job, but the look in his eyes was always distant.
The first time Carlos had seen real emotion and vulnerability from TK was that night at the station, when he confessed about his break-up and relapse. Carlos knew then that he needed to back off, and wait until TK was in a place where Carlos could show him what it was like to be cared for.
Carlos saw TK. He saw him for the genuine, kind and caring person he was, despite trying to hide it behind sly smiles and a, somewhat cocky, attitude. Carlos knew that he had to wait until TK was ready, because if he tried anything before TK was in that place, it would be disastrous for them both. Carlos wouldn’t push, and he would be there for TK in whatever capacity he needed, because Carlos could see that TK was worth it. Carlos just had to wait for TK to realize it.
Carlos peeked over as they reached a red light, right around the corner from his place. Waiting for confirmation before he made that last turn to bring TK home with him.
“Okay.” TK said softly. Carlos felt himself relax, not realizing how tense he was at being rejected again, even in this small way, by this man.
Carlos made the turn on his street, once the light was green and turned into his driveway.
“Pretty confident I’d say yes?” TK joked in surprise at already being at Carlos’.
“Not confident, just hopeful.” Carlos smiled softly at TK. TK felt the warmth again at having that smile directed at him. Carlos was a ray sunshine and hope in his grey world, and TK didn’t know how to deal with it. He had been so used to months of grey and numb, that just having Carlos’ attention turned TK’s world around, and he was terrified of what could happen if that light faded from his life.
Carlos had given TK a pair of soft grey sweats and a worn-out Austin PD t-shirt to change into, so he wouldn’t be sitting uncomfortably in his tight jeans and loosely buttoned shirt. Carlos wasn’t sure what looked better on him. Carlos thought that the tight jeans and hint of chest that peeked through TK’s shirt was the best thing he’d seen that night, until TK walked out in his clothes. The t-shirt was a little looser on TK then it was on Carlos, and the sweat pants were too long, and all Carlos wanted was to pull TK close and hold him, kiss him breathless. Carlos had made a quick excuse of going to change himself and for TK to make himself comfortable on the couch.
TK sat anxiously on Carlos’s couch, the same couch that just a couple of months ago, TK had been on with Carlos on top of him. TK shook his head as if to shake away that day from his mind, he wasn’t here for that. He was here so he didn’t have to be alone, and because Carlos had felt the need to look after him. Nothing else was going to happen.
TK looked around, his knee bouncing as he waited for Carlos to re-emerge. He pointedly did not look over at the kitchen, knowing that the last thing he needed was to remember just how well the night had gone the last time he had been here.
“So, your dad mentioned popcorn and movies.” Carlos said as he returned, looking soft in a hoodie and basketball shorts. It was the most dressed down TK had ever seen Carlos, and he was amazed by how pleased he was by Carlos looking so comfortable. “I don’t have popcorn, but I have crackers?”
“No, it’s fine. I don’t think I’d be able to eat anyway.” TK shrugged, fidgeting in his spot on the couch at Carlos’ searching gaze.
“If you’re sure.” Carlos said before joining TK on the couch, making sure to keep a safe distance away, not wanting to push him. Carlos turned on the TV, and flicked through until they decided on something mindless and stupid to watch.
TK tried to pay attention. Usually this was exactly what he needed, something mindless to focus on to pull his head out of his dark place and into a somewhat content place. Listening to quiet chatter of the characters and pulling himself into the mind-numbing silliness of what was on the screen. But the only thing TK was able to focus on was the presence next to him. Carlos was too close, and too far. He wanted to be in the strong hold of Carlos’ arms, but he didn’t want to have to put Carlos in a position that would make him uncomfortable. TK was restless with the tension, his knee bouncing, his hands constantly twitching with the effort to keep them still.
“Tyler.” Carlos’ soft voice broke through the tension, TK immediately turning his head in shock at once again being called by his name. “What do you need?”
TK opened his mouth and closed it again, not knowing what to say. How did Carlos even know he needed anything? Anytime he had been like this with Alex on his bad days, Alex had gotten annoyed and told him to keep away from the caffeine before leaving him to dwell in his anxiety, alone. Carlos, who had barely known him 5 months, could tell what Alex couldn’t after years.
“I… could y-you.. I jus-” TK struggled to tell Carlos what he wanted. When him and his father could see that the normal routine wasn’t working, Owen would pull TK close and hold him, just like he had when he was a kid and had a nightmare. It grounded TK, making him feel the pressure of arms around him, and the comfort of having someone he trusted hold him close.
“Hey, take a breath.” Carlos spoke softly, turning his body towards TK, “What does your father do to help you?” Alex had made fun of him when TK told him how his dad helped him, telling TK that he was too old to be cuddling his father. TK felt nervous now, thinking that Carlos would have the same reaction, and he would feel the same embarrassment that he felt then. But at least then, TK would be able to find a fault in Carlos, that would help him put a lid on his feelings for the cop.
“He..umm..” TK looked away, “He holds me.. to uh, keep me grounded.” TK mumbled, then waited for the inevitable laughter. TK watched Carlos from the corner of his eye, he saw the soft expression come onto Carlos’s face, before he saw Carlos reach out his hand.
“I can do that for you.” he waited for TK to look at him, leaving his hand open for TK to take. An invitation, not a demand.
“Carlos, I can’t .. I just- it-” TK suddenly stood, “I’ve been using you in the worst ways since I’ve met you. I slept with you because you were hot, and beautiful and I needed a distraction. And then you invited me over and I trashed your evening plans, because I couldn’t give you anything but sex.” TK ranted, pacing the floor in front of Carlos, the vibrating energy that had been with him all day releasing in truths and frantic jumbled words. Carlos looked on in shock, at TK’s burst of confessions.
“And you deserve more than just sex Carlos, and I can’t give you that. I can’t keep someone like you happy and content. My ex-boyfriend dumped me after telling me he had been cheating on me for months, the same night I was going to propose, and I had known him for years.” TK went on, his words rushing out in waves, not use to getting everything out in the open like this. Even when he talked to his therapist about it, it was always with an air of indifference, trying not to show just how much everything was affecting him. Terrified of being weak.
Carlos kept quiet, knowing that TK needed to get this out, he could see the tension easing from TK’s shoulders with each confession that rushed out of him. Carlos wanted to comfort him, tell him how wrong he was, tell him that his ex was obviously an idiotic dumbass for not seeing TK for who he was. Carlos wanted to pull him close and hold him tight and tell him just how amazing Carlos thought he was, but he knew stopping TK now wouldn’t help. He needed this outlet, and Carlos was going to give it to him.
“I’m only good at sex and finding the best place to get pills.” TK laughed humorlessly, “Before Alex it was nameless guys in bars and clubs, guys I don’t even remember because I wasn’t sober enough to retain names, or faces. Alex was the first real relationship I had, and it was just sex for him.” TK felt the tears welling up in his eyes, he hadn’t cried about this since his overdose. He had kept it bottled up inside, too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it, not strong enough to say the truth out loud, “While I was falling head over heels in love with him, he was enjoying his time fucking me, while falling in love with someone else.”
Carlos’ heart was breaking, watching this beautiful man tear himself apart for things that were so far from the truth. Carlos hoped to never meet this ‘Alex’, for he knew that he would probably be arrested for the damage he would do to that man, though he did have friends in high places in the police force, he could probably get away with it.
“I carry too much baggage. I’m nothing but a pretty boy addict that’s good with his mouth.” TK cried, all the fight leaving him as he put his arms around himself, trying to make himself as small as possible, in the big empty space of Carlos’ living room.
Carlos took a breath. Willing down the anger and rage he was feeling, burning him up on the inside. TK didn’t need an angry protective asshole ranting about wanting to kick in the teeth of anyone that had ever hurt him. TK needed comfort and soft touches. Carlos released another breath before slowly making his way over to TK.
“Come here,” Carlos pleaded again, his arms open, standing a few feet in front of TK knowing TK had to be the one to choose to be touched, “Please?”
TK looked at Carlos through his tears, looking at his welcoming arms, and decided to let himself have this. Even if just for a second. TK kept his arms around stomach, as if that was the only thing holding him together. He took a few slow steps toward Carlos, his heart aching with need.
As soon as TK was close enough, Carlos slowly brought a hand up, combing it softly through TK’s hair. When he reached the crown of his head, Carlos pulled him close, being gentle and making sure TK knew he could pull away at any time. Carlos pulled TK into him, pulling his head towards his neck and bringing his other arm around to hold him. The moment TK felt himself being held in Carlos’ arms, the dam broke and TK moved his arms to circle Carlos’ waist, gripping the material of his hoodie, tightly in his hands.
They stood there holding each other, Carlos petting at TK’s head and muttering soft, comforting words. TK didn’t know what he was saying, but just hearing his voice whispering to him, and feeling Carlos’ strong, yet gentle embrace soothed TK. He felt anchored more in this moment in Carlos’ arms, then he had felt in years. Carlos held him until his sobs turned into slow tears and sniffs.
TK pulled back just the slightest bit, keeping his face close to Carlos’, but not yet opening his eyes, “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me.” Carlos kept his voice soft and gentle, “I told you I’d be here if you needed me, I’m just keeping my promise.”
TK opened his eyes, looking into Carlos’ bright brown ones, seeing the compassion and sincerity in them. TK reached a hand up, moving it to lay gently on Carlos’ cheek, “I’m sorry for going crazy on you again.” TK apologized, feeling embarrassed for having a break down like that.
Carlos huffed a breath and brought his forehead to TK’s, putting their faces close, so TK could feel Carlos’ breath. Carlos could see every tear that slid from TK’s beautiful eyes, bright from crying.
“You don’t owe me an apology, Tyler.” Carlos responded, happy to see something other than despair on TK’s beautiful face, even if it was an embarrassed down-turned mouth, and flushed cheeks.
TK felt goosebumps rise on his skin, and his body flooding with warmth, at hearing Carlos use his name. Carlos had to know that it affected him, if the slight smile in his eyes was any indication. TK swallowed hard and couldn’t stop his eyes from traveling to Carlos’ lips. He wanted so badly to kiss him. Just to feel Carlos’ lips on his once more, even if it was for a moment. Carlos had done so much for him tonight, and TK couldn’t stop the slow movements of his head, moving closer to Carlos’, even if he had wanted too.
Their lips had just barely brushed, when they were startled away from each other by the blaring of a cell phone. Carlos turned his eyes to the table where both of their phones sat, knowing that the moment had passed. He watched as TK pulled the neck of his shirt up to wipe at his face, pushing away the evidence of the tears on his cheek, and trying to build back the wall that had just been broken through.
“It’s me.” Carlos stated regrettably. Immediately angry at whoever was on the other end of the phone, but knowing he had to answer. Being a cop meant that anything could happen at any moment, and he had to be prepared to stop and make sure that it wasn’t an emergency, and that he wasn’t needed.
“Answer,” TK said, his eyes on the floor, once again not meeting Carlos’ eyes, “I’m going to run to the bathroom.”
Carlos watched TK’s movements down the hallway, as he reached behind him to grab his phone. He looked down and saw that the number was not in his contacts, and he didn’t recognize it. He was going to be pissed if the moment was broken by a telemarketer.
“Officer Reyes.” Carlos snapped.
“Officer Reyes, it’s Captain Strand.” TK’s father spoke on the other end. Carlos immediately felt like an idiot. Of course, it was Owen checking up on his son. “I got your number from Michelle, I was going to call TK but I was worried he might be asleep, and I just wanted to make sure he was safe.”
“Yes sir,” Carlos replied, his voice returning to its normal calm tone, “TK is safe with me.”
Owen let out a sigh of relief, “I can’t thank you enough for this Offic-… Carlos. Thank you, Carlos. There hasn’t been anyone TK trusts enough to confide in, and I know he’s been keeping things from me, not wanting me to worry. And I’m just, really happy he has you to lean on.”
Carlos’ was surprised at the thanks, surely Carlos wasn’t the only one that TK had talked too about what was going on with him. “Oh, no sir, I don’t think it was anything as big as that. I just let him know that my brother was in a similar situation to him, and I guess he just realizes that I’d understand.”
“Oh boy.” Owen sighed, almost in amusement, “Listen kid, there are a bunch of people in a similar situation to his, he does go to AA meetings, but he has only ever spoken to me, and that’s mostly just because I’m his father and know the situation. But hearing him open up to you tonight?” Owen paused, almost as if he was making sure Carlos’ understood.
“Sir.”
“Carlos, did you know before tonight me, nor my team, had any idea that you two knew each other, other than in passing?” Owen asked, and Carlos’ didn’t know where the fire Captain was going with this, because if anything it just tore at Carlos’ heart. TK kept him a secret from the people closest to him, he didn’t want people to know they were friendly with each other?
“Now I know your probably thinking this is a bad thing, that TK keeping you a secret is some kind of slight against you. It’s not. It’s not because he’s ashamed, it’s because he cherishes those moments of the time together just being about you being together, not having outsiders putting in their advice and opinions. Hell, I didn’t know that TK was even dating his last boyfriend until about 6 months in. He didn’t keep you a secret because he didn’t want anyone to know about you. It’s because in some way, you became special to my son, to the point of him wanting you for himself… He is an only child, he never knew how to share very well.” Owen joked.
Carlos was floored. His gaze traveling to the hallway, to the door TK had hidden himself behind. If what Owen was saying was the truth, then maybe he was special to TK, maybe he was more than just an attractive distraction.
“Just please try not to give up on him?” Owen asked, “I know he’s having a hard time really opening his heart to people, and he’s being more cautious then he has to be, but he’s worth it.”
Carlos could hear how Owen was almost pleading with Carlos to give TK a chance. Though Carlos didn’t need Owen’s pleas. Carlos had been all in from the moment TK smiled at him for the first time.
And now, with TK slowly making his way back to Carlos, his eyes puffy from crying, his hair a mess and with the wet spot on his shirt from where he had wiped his tears. There was no way he wasn’t going to fight for this man.
“I know he is, sir.” Carlos assured Owen.
They said their goodbyes, with Owen letting Carlos know that TK had a shift tomorrow at 8a.m., and would greatly appreciate if he made sure his son got to work safely. Carlos put his phone back where it had been and walked over to TK. Noticing how exhausted he looked.
“Everything okay?” TK asked, not wanting to pry into who was on the phone, but wanting to make sure there wasn’t somewhere more important Carlos needed to be.
“Yeah, just your dad making sure you were still with me.” Carlos replied, “He also let me know you have an early shift, and I do believe I am on his good side at the moment, so how about we go to sleep? So your dad doesn’t change his mind about me when I drop his son off at work half-asleep.”
TK knew that he was exhausted, but knowing that he’d be sleeping alone in an unfamiliar place, in a room away from Carlos, stuck in his thoughts about the past hour. Going back over what he confessed to Carlos, and wondering if Carlos would decide that the baggage TK came with was too much, and decided to forget about him altogether.
Carlos held out his hand to TK, patiently waiting and hoping that TK would take it. TK hesitated, only for a moment, before taking his hand. TK was surprised when they stopped in front of Carlos’ room instead of the guest room.
“My guest room is open if you’d feel more comfortable in there, I won’t be upset if you decide you need to be alone.” Carlos explained. “But if you would rather not be alone, and you feel you’d sleep better knowing someone was there with you, you can sleep here.”
TK felt his heart flutter at the knowledge that Carlos was still making sure TK was comfortable. TK was once again shocked at how in tune with his thoughts Carlos seemed to be. Like he could read every thought, and fear that was passing through him.
TK didn’t speak, just took a step into Carlos’ room, looking back at him to double check that it was okay. Carlos smiled at him and pulled him fully into the room.
They got themselves settled in the bed, leaving a space big enough for another person to fit between them. The room was dark, with just a small light from the moon giving any visibility. The room was quiet with nothing but their soft breathing, and the noises from outside. They could both feel the tension.
Knowing neither of them would get to sleep like this, Carlos turned onto his side to face TK. Seeing him in the dark, on his back, eyes open and staring at the ceiling. The hand closest to Carlos tapping lightly on the bed. Carlos reached a hand out and touched his fingers to TK. He saw and felt TK tense, his eyes going wide, but not turning to look at Carlos.
“I want to say something about what you said earlier, and I need you not to interrupt me until I’m finished,” Carlos whispered, “Okay?”
Carlos watched TK, waiting for his confirmation. He seemed scared, maybe scared that Carlos was going to say something negative to what had happened. He let TK take his time, leaving his hand touching his and waiting for TK to acknowledge what he said.
He watched TK nod his head just enough for Carlos to see. With that Carlos took a breath, knowing he was about to put almost all of what he was feeling on the line, but needing TK to know that Carlos wasn’t going anywhere.
“You are not, in any way, just a pretty-faced addict with too much baggage.” Carlos started, his voice firm. He watched as TK quickly turned his head, his eyes meeting his. “I see you for what you are TK. I see the genuine and kind-hearted man you are. The strength you have. You are one of the most amazing, intriguing, and beautiful person I have ever met. And I know that you don’t believe me when I say it, but you deserve so much more then you think. But when you do realize it? When you finally come to terms with the fact that you should be cared for the same way you care for others, when you feel like you are in a time in your life where you can be yourself, without all the fear and doubt, when that happens, I hope I can be there to see it. And I hope to be the kind of person that warrants the chance to treat you the way you should be.”
Carlos watched as tears welled up again, and slowly made their way down TK’s cheek. Carlos watched as TK moved his body to face him and opened his mouth, ready to interrupt. Carlos took the hand that was on TK’s away, and put a finger lightly against his lips, silencing him in surprise with the gesture.
“And I need you to know that you don’t owe me anything. I don’t expect you to automatically try and jump into a relationship with me. Because as much as I like you, and as much as I would love to have that kind of intimate relationship with you, you need to do what’s best for you. But I need you to know, that no matter what, I’m going to be there for you in whatever capacity you allow me to be. Even if we never see each other again and the only thing I can do is send you texts about how beautiful you are, or how you deserve the sun and stars, or that you should stay away from the new Taco place down the street from the firehouse, because the free guacamole is not worth the pain after.”
TK smiled, a huff of laughter pushing past his lips, and Carlos felt like he was just given the world for being the one to make TK smile like that. Carlos moved his hand away from TK’s lips to cup his cheek.
“Morale of this long-winded speech of mine is that I hope you find your safe space, a place where you can be yourself without the doubt and fear, and I need you to know that no matter where, what or who that safe space is for you, I will always be here if you need me. Never doubt that I care for you Tyler.”
TK’s smile was soft and genuine, as a few more tears fell from his eyes. TK moved his hand, and placed it over the one Carlos had on his cheek. He pulled Carlos’s hand away and placed a soft kiss on the inside of Carlos’ palm before placing their linked hands between them on the bed.
Carlos’ heart skipped at the soft touch of lips to his palm, delighted in the fact that TK hadn’t pushed him away at Carlos expressing what he felt. He watched TK wipe the left over tears off his face, before inching his way just a little closer to Carlos.
Carlos’ heart melted at the question in TK’s eyes at the movement. Carlos moved closer, close enough that their foreheads were close enough to meet in the middle.
“Thank you.” TK voice was strained from all the emotions from the night, “Not just for tonight, or for the speech. But for being there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it.”
Carlos shushed him softly, “You deserve the world.”
TK opened his mouth, ready to disagree, when he was shushed again, before he even got a word out.
“We’re supposed to be sleeping, Tyler Kennedy.” Carlos mumbled with a smile, his eyes closing as if to show what they were supposed to be doing.
TK once again felt the warmth pool in his stomach, there was no way Carlos didn’t know what he was doing to him, “You’re going to use that knowledge to your advantage often, aren’t you?”
“I’m sure I have no idea what you mean, Tyler.” Carlos laughed, peaking at him through one eye, seeing the noticeable blush on TK’s cheeks, loving that he had put it there. “Now, my alarm is set for us to wake up in a few hours, and I’d like for us to get some sleep.”
“Yeah, yeah.” TK mumbled, feeling light-hearted for the first time in months, maybe years if he was being honest. He settled into the bed, getting comfortable and closing his eyes.
TK woke up sometime during the early hours of the morning, the sun not yet up, but the sky looking lighter, like it was close to rising. TK had a moment of panic when he didn’t recognize where he was, his was on his back staring at a ceiling that wasn’t his own, and a weight over his stomach. He turned his head and saw Carlos. Sweet, beautiful Carlos. TK settled down, his tired brain catching up and remembering how he had gotten here.
Carlos’ face was relaxed in his sleep, a slight tilt of his lip, like a hint of a smile, like he was having a good dream. TK turned onto his side, making sure not to dislodge Carlos’ arm from around him. TK gently touched Carlos’ face, almost to make sure that he was really there, as if the weight of Carlos’ arm on him wasn’t enough of a reassurance.
The soft touch to Carlos’ face had Carlos’ lips twitch into more of a smile, leaning into the touch, and TK felt his heart stop, for just a moment. And in that moment, TK pictured many nights like this. Waking up to look at Carlos’ face, soft with sleep and searching for TK’s touch.
TK knew he wasn’t ready to give himself to Carlos. Not fully. He knew that if they jumped in before he was ready, before he could go a day without thinking of Alex, of the rejection, of the relapse, that it would only end painfully for both of them. And Carlos deserved more than just a half assed attempt at being together, when TK wasn’t in a place where he could be consumed by Carlos and only Carlos, without the fear and doubt seeping into every moment.
But right now, in this moment, TK knew that Carlos was special in a way that no one had ever been to him. And TK wanted to give every part of himself to this man. He would push himself. He needed to put in the effort to put himself together, not just go with the motions like he had been. TK wanted to be someone that deserved Carlos’ affection, and he was going to fight to be that person.
TK knew it wouldn’t happen overnight, he’d need time to put himself back together. To put back the pieces that had been slowly falling away from him for years.
Carlos said TK needed to find his safe space, and right now, TK believed he found it.
There was no where he felt safer then with Carlos. Carlos was his safe space, and TK was going to fight to be the same for Carlos. Because Carlos deserved it.
Carlos deserved the world, and TK was going to find a way to give it to him.