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The summerland revels were wilder than wild, all drinking and dancing, laughter and music, kisses and cries. Silver didn’t attend often, but sometimes the mood struck her and she would go and sit at the base of a tree, sipping faerie wine and watching.
She liked to watch the dryads dance together, each as beautiful and distinct as their trees. She liked to watch the nymphs chase the satyrs and the satyrs chase the nymphs, all laughing because it was only play and to lose just meant getting picked up and tossed into the moonlake or smothered with kisses. She liked to watch the glowy pixies bob and flit around the musicians and imagine what it would be like to have her own wings.
Sometimes she would dance, when the revel still resembled a dance more than anything. She never lacked for a partner there and she loved to dance. But later, as the twilight sky darkened to blues and purples and the lake shone brighter, the dancing died down as people began to break off in pairs, in threes. Some would make their way into the surrounding trees, giggles becoming moans from the underbrush. Some would lower themselves to the grass right there, moving to the music and eventually pulling in the musicians, too.
It was then that Silver mostly just watched from her tree, interested in the way she was interested in all things about nature and feeling a little alone.
It was not that she lacked for partners— as with dancing, she always received a few offers. She just didn’t seem to feel the way that other people felt when it came to lovemaking or pleasure play. When she saw a beautiful person she didn’t feel any heat or hunger. She sometimes felt the urge to run her hands through their hair, to feel the heat of their skin; to be close, but not that close. She liked kissing well enough, especially with an interesting partner, but sex didn’t naturally occur to her.
It was nice enough when she finally tried it. Her first time was actually at one of the summerland revels. She was newly twenty-years-old and her mentor Blackthorn had finally given up on keeping her from them, though she hadn’t been able to stop him from pressing seabane into her hand and warning her three times over to be careful.
She had been willing when the beautiful dryad had found her lingering in the trees, shy but eager, and led her to a bed of moss. She was called Elara and she told Silver that she liked her freckles as she stroked her hair. As things got heavier Silver did her best to keep her head, but it was all so much. Being touched that way felt good, but also like too much. Seeing Silver's overwhelm, Elara had ceased and held her close until the half-elf could think again.
“Tell me how you’re feeling,” Elara had said, gently.
“It—It’s good,” Silver said slowly, “But I don’t think I’m feeling what I’m supposed to be. I can’t turn my thoughts off. And I keep...”
“Yes?” Elara prompted, twisting a curl of Silver’s namesake hair around her finger.
“I keep wishing we were just kissing instead.” Silver blushed to the pointed tips of her ears.
“I see,” Elara said thoughtfully.
“I’m sorry. You’re so beautiful, and I liked what you were doing, I just...”
Elara laughed, a raspy, low sound that wasn’t the least bit hurt.
“It’s alright, little elf. I’m not bothered. If you want to kiss we can kiss all night.”
“Is there something wrong with me?” Silver blurted.
The dryad cocked her head. “Probably not. Do you desire me sexually?”
“I think you’re very beautiful,” Silver said, “but I’m not sure, exactly. How would I know?”
Elara smiled. “When you feel it, you know. But there’s nothing wrong with only wanting kisses. Kisses are delightful,” She demonstrated with a trail of kisses down Silver’s neck and across her bare shoulder, then continued. “Some never want more than that, and there’s no less love there. And some only feel desire when their heart is known to another. There’s nothing wrong with any of it. And you’re so young yet, little elf. You’re only beginning to discover yourself. Don’t fear to take your time.”
Silver turned her head so she could kiss Elara deeply. When she pulled away she shed the remainder of her clothing and pulled the dryad close. As she had said; Silver was only beginning to discover herself, and she wanted to see what would happen next.
She had a few more encounters after that, but sex was always the same: enjoyable enough and her body would respond the way it was supposed to, but it was never her first choice of how to pass time. She never found anyone that she desired to love in that way.
Until Zada. Until the tall, strong, beautiful human with the ocean blue eyes, rich brown skin, and sun-bright smile barrelled into Silver’s life and upset everything in the best possible way.
Now that they were friends, Silver found herself embarrassed by the way she had treated Zada when they first met. She had instantly liked the woman and that had scared her. She had been so recently hurt and so badly betrayed that the idea of liking or trusting anyone felt like salt in a wound. And so, because she was a complete fool, the first thing she had said to Zada was an insult. But the big, friendly woman had just laughed and clapped Silver on the back with impressive strength and complimented her wit.
These days Silver would name Zada as a dear friend. Her closest friend, if she was being honest with herself. And that’s where the problem was. It was when she opened up to Zada, and Zada had shared her heart in return, that she felt that consuming desire for the first time and learned just how distracting sexual attraction could be. And after their unexpectedly romantic and then emotionally vulnerable evening together in Alacritas, it only got worse.
Zada had danced with her, so gentle and so earnest. She had said such kind things; that Silver meant so much to her, that she would keep her safe. She had cried, and Silver had comforted her and confessed that she wanted to keep Zada's close. Yes, Silver kissed Zada's neck and jaw and cheek, and she seemed to like that. And yes, for a moment it seemed like Zada was going to kiss her lips. But Zada had kissed her forehead instead, and that was wonderful but also confusing. Then they had spent the night together, sharing bed space and body heat. Silver had never felt closer to another person.
So what did that all add up to? Did it mean that Zada loved her the way that she loved Zada? Did she feel the same desire that Silver did, or was she alone in this?
Silver felt like she might lose her mind. There she was, on a life-threatening quest through a frozen wasteland populated by monsters, thinking about Zada’s arms. And the muscles of her back. And the way her eyes crinkled up when she laughed. And what her lips would feel like against Silver’s. And about the endearing way that the taller woman had reacted when she’d kissed her neck. And how easily Zada would be able to lift her up…
It was too much. She woke up in the morning to the cleric doing her exercises, looking so good it should be forbidden. The party travelled all day in a sled that was small for four, so Zada was always there, chatting and laughing, her thigh pressed against Silver’s and her body heat palpable even through Silver’s winter layers. When they made camp she watched Zada feed the giant elk treats, or set up a little altar to commune with her god, or cheerfully magic up mediocre food for the party, and fell a little deeper in love every day.
And now that Silver and Zada were sharing a tent, Silver was newly tempted every night. They didn't do anything more than cuddle, talk quietly, and sleep close to each other, which was all lovely. But the closeness only fed the wanting. When Deria woke Silver for her turn in the watch order she would sometimes find the druid with her arm curled protectively around Zada in sleep, so the new shape of their relationship didn't stay secret for long, either.
Which was, frankly, mortifying. She felt as if everyone except Zada could look right though her and see her predicament. Deria gave Silver significant looks and nudged her with an armoured elbow, and no amount of glaring at the aasimar could get her to stop. Cinder watched Silver's interactions with Zada with that same unreadable expression that the genasi watched everything, but she could feel their exasperation and she knew their disapproval with anything that detracted from the mission.
And as if all that wasn't enough embarrassment, sharing a tent meant that Silver could either leave herself constantly on edge and feeling like she was going to burn up, or wait until Zada was on watch early in the morning and bring herself to a quick, silent orgasm while thinking of Zada, smelling the scent of her all around and hoping desperately that nothing would attack the camp right then. It was less than ideal and made Silver feel like she was doing something wrong, like she was defiling something pure.
But what else could she do? The party was on their way to end a demigod. If they all got there alive they would be defying the odds. And between the long days of sled travel and the party's small camp at night, having a truly private moment with Zada seemed impossible. Now was certainly not the time to be thinking of kisses or lovemaking.
And so here she was, head over heels and unable to do anything about it. But perhaps that was for the best. After all, even if they weren't on a perilous quest, Silver didn’t really know what Zada wanted from their relationship and she had no idea how to ask. Was that even allowed? To just ask? She broke so many rules, so often. She was very aware that she had no idea how to be a person. But she did think she knew that acting on her desire could break the new bond they shared, the tenuous understanding that they meant something to each other.
Zada was simply too precious to risk losing and their mission too important to jeopardize, and so Silver committed herself to being a good friend. She returned Zada’s smiles and answered her questions. She occasionally took her hand to give it a gentle squeeze, and encouraged Zada with kind words, and kept close whenever she could. She kept all those messier feelings to herself.
But still, she couldn’t help but think of Elara’s words late at night, when a dozen terrible and important thoughts were racing through her head but her focus kept coming back to Zada's comforting presence beside her.
When you feel it, you know.