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Dan’s walking around a mall. It looks like the mall he had gone to almost every weekend as a 14-year-old. He and his friends couldn’t find anything better to do most of the time so they began just strolling through the halls, never even buying anything because they were all too skint to even consider it.
Dan can’t really remember why he’s here. He supposes that his mum must have taken him. Maybe to buy presents for some relative whose birthday Dan has forgotten.
His mum isn’t with him right now though. Dan is all alone. He can’t see another person at all even in the stores. They all seem eerily abandoned with their clinical fluorescent lights on.
Dan honestly was getting a little freaked out. Where is everybody? He reaches into his pocket to get his phone and it’s not there. He can feel his breaths coming faster. He can’t even understand what is causing him so much anxiety but he feels it. He feels like the hallways are closing in on him and he can hear an unnatural, disembodied voice calling his name.
Dan… Dan…
What does it want?!
“Dan.”
Dan wakes up gasping. He’s laying on his bed in London, tears in his eyes and Phil’s hand on his shoulder.
“Dan? Are you awake?”
It’s pitch black in front of him but he can hear Phil’s concerned expression in his voice.
“Yeah, Phil. I’m up.” The quiet horror of the dream lingered in Dan’s thoughts. He wasn’t sure what it was about the dream that caused him to apparently cry in his sleep but he wasn’t able to shake off the feeling.
“Are you okay, love? I think you were having a really bad dream. Do you want me to get you something? Tea? Toast?” Dan could hear how tired Phil was. He didn’t want to inconvenience him even more by making him get up. Plus, he kind of just wanted his body pressed next to his for right now as the dark memories of the dream clung to his consciousness.
“No, it’s okay, please just stay right here.” Dan got so sappy after these bad dreams. He knew Phil didn’t mind though. Phil just scooched closer to him so that they were touching from their shins to their chests. It was an almost oppressive cuddle that Phil was giving him but after nightmares, nothing felt better.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil sounded muffled where his face was buried in Dan’s neck. It made Dan’s skin crawl but at this point it was as familiar as the sheets beneath them.
“It’s okay. It kind of made no sense anyway.” Dan clung harder. He hated this type of bad dream. The one that made no sense. He would get extremely upset at dreams that he couldn’t even understand. And the worst part is he would forget them just a few moments after he would wake up and just be left with the inexplicable dread.
Phil said nothing. Just let Dan hold on as tight as he wanted. As the minutes passed, Dan could hear Phil’s breaths become deeper and deeper as he fell asleep in Dan’s grip. It could almost bring more tears to his eyes. How Phil trusted him so much that even in this vice grip he had on him, he could fall into a peaceful sleep.
*
Dan is walking around a forest. The moss underneath his bare feet feels soft and fuzzy. There’s a group of small sun bears. They look like babies. Dan thinks he’s seen this image before somewhere. On twitter maybe. They seem to be doing an intricate dance, bouncing along in a circle. What are they doing?
Dan approaches the bears. They don’t pay attention to him. Their mother is standing off to the side, looking at them. Dan makes eye contact with the mother. She seems to communicate something to him. It’s not in any language Dan knows. It’s more of a vibration she’s sending.
Dan goes up to the children bears and integrates himself in the circle. It seems to be a ceremonial dance. He starts bouncing along with them. He feels oddly at peace.
The bear next to him stumbles and knocks into him. Dan falls straight to the ground and wakes up with a jolt in his bed. It’s still dark out. He doesn’t remember falling back asleep after his nightmare but Phil is snoring softly still with his koala hold around him.
Dan is disappointed he woke up because he was actually getting some sleep and at least the dream hadn’t felt horrifying. He wishes he could turn on the lamp and look at Phil’s face for a little. Although he definitely has Phil’s face memorized, nothing grounds him more than just staring into Phil’s face. While Phil’s asleep is the best time to stare too so that Phil doesn’t get all embarrassed and tease Dan. Dan can just stare in peace.
But he can’t wake Phil up now. Not after waking him up earlier because of the nightmare and not for such a dumb reason. He’ll just have to use his extensive Phil mind palace to conjure up images of Phil’s face. It’s incredibly easy and Dan feels himself involuntarily smile at the images. He tries to fall back asleep thinking thoughts of Phil.
*
Dan is in a beautiful villa. He thinks he’s been here before with Phil. It kind of looks like the one they went to with Bryony and Wirrow in the Mediterranean but also looks a lot like the one in Miami Beach with Martyn and Cornelia. Here they’re alone though. Dan is lounging on a bed with luxurious white sheets. The door to the bathroom is cracked open and he can hear the shower going.
Dan gets up slowly and goes into the bathroom. He can hear Phil’s humming. He’s humming to Dan’s favorite Perfume Genius song. Dan quickly strips out of his clothes and gets in the shower. It’s as if Phil was waiting for him.
“There you are. I was wondering when you were finally going to get up.” Phil has shampoo in his hands already and immediately reaches for Dan’s head.
Dan moans. It feels so nice to have a nice head massage from Phil. They really need to shower together more often.
Once Phil is seemingly satisfied, Phil flips Dan around and is all over him in a split second, making out with him hungrily.
Dan can immediately tell he’s in a dream. It feels like a ghost of the real thing. Also, Phil is pulling out moves he hasn’t done since they were sneaking in the shower in Phil’s parent’s house back when Dan had to take a three-hour train to see him.
Dan’s not complaining though. It’s still hot as hell. They can make out under the shower stream for what feels like hours and not even come up for air. If they tried this in real life, they’d both have started sputtering and choking on water.
Phil separates from him suddenly and starts to get on his knees. Dan feels himself start to get harder but if this is a dream he doesn’t want a simple shower hook up. They’re in a luxurious villa, might as well make use of it. He puts his hand on Phil’s shoulder to get him to stop and without even having to say anything Phil gets up and follows Dan into the bedroom and onto the bed.
They flop down and Dan feels himself giggle. He reaches for Phil again and they start kissing again. It seems not to matter that they should be soaking wet right now, everything feels dry and nice.
But it’s not perfect. Dan can’t stop thinking about how it's all fake and how much he would rather have the real Phil right now. Dan’s never gotten this far with lucid dreaming though. How does he wake up?
He backs up from Phil and stares at his peaceful face. Dream Phil doesn’t get embarrassed. He lets Dan stare to his heart's content. This feels better than where Dan thought the dream was going. It looks a little different than the real Phil. A combination of present-day Phil and a younger Phil. Some lines aren’t there but his hair is short and brown and laying on his forehead.
Dan reaches out to move some of the hair to the side just to feel him and he notices how numb his fingers feel. It doesn’t feel like the soft skin on Phil's face.
An alarm is blaring. Dan opens his eyes and he’s back in his apartment with real Phil pressed along his back. Phil back away from him to turn the alarm off but Dan can’t help but whimper. Phil’s back in a second placing a kiss to Dan’s shoulder.
“How are you feeling? Did you sleep okay?”
Just that one kiss on his shoulder feels a thousand times better than the heavy makeout session that he and dream Phil had. Dreams like those are nice but they’re nothing compared to the real thing.
Dan grabs Phil’s arms and tries to bring them even closer together than they already are. He strokes down one of Phil’s arms feeling the soft skin and hair there until he reaches those impossibly soft hands and bringing it to his mouth to kiss each knuckle and the palm.
Dan hears Phil’s impossibly deep voice right against his ear. “What’s that for?”
He turns around in Phil’s arms and looks into his face quietly.
After several moments, Phil turns pink and starts giggling nervously. He shoves his face into the pillow and whines softly. Dan smirks at Phil’s ridiculous nature.
“What’s wrong, Philly?” Trying to tickle him so he’ll move his face so he can look at it again. Phil looks up at him again, this time with a challenging little glimmer in his eyes.
“You’re staring at me! How would you like it if I did it to you?”
“I’d love it,” Dan replies instantly.
Apparently Phil meant it. He’s staring at him intensely with unblinking eyes. Dan stares back also trying not to blink. Eventually, Phil blinks and groans, rolling onto his back.
Dan crowds him, with a fiendish laugh. “Haha. I win.” Dan hovers over him for a second looking into Phil’s sheepish face before leaning down and giving him a deep kiss.
Sure, Phil is a little awkward sometimes and their kiss tastes a lot like their morning breaths and Dan feels a little sweaty in their bed with the sunlight coming through their window over them but this is better than any dream he could have.