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“Shit shit shit shit shit,” Gerard groaned, the sting of salty tears already intruding his eyes.
“Fucking hell,” he continued his string of curses, resisting the urge to drive his car off the road. In reality, the surprising aspect of the news wasn’t really all too surprising. He knew this would happen, it always happened.
He always went and found someone that simply showed him attention, that seemed to make him feel for a moment that he was desirable. A feeling that he never seemed to get, but craved. And of course, it was always from people that had their own secret agendas. Gerard knew that before he even talked to them, he just simply couldn’t care enough. He needed that attention like a drug addict needs heroine. He needed to feel wanted.
And now here he was in his early withdraw state once again. His body felt as though it was shutting down, his eyes bloodshot, his mind clouded, and his heart aching. He knew this was inevitable, knew it would come. It wasn’t even that he truly loved the person, even if he tried to convince himself he did. He knew inside he didn’t.
He always prepared himself for the lies the person who would use him next would give. Was always prepared to do things he really didn’t wanna do, like sexual demands, but did anyways. Because then at least he was useful.
One thing he was never prepared for, was the feeling of complete, and udder silence. Because silence meant nobody was there, it meant he was alone. It meant he had to listen to the nagging thoughts in his head telling him about how he can try and try but in the end, he was alone. He wasn’t worth it.
Gerard pulled over, his fingers ticking against the steering wheel. He sat for a moment in silence with his head down, the air heavy and hot. And for a moment, just a moment, he completely let go. He screamed at the top of his lungs, his voice box shredding, his eyes swelling with tears that were still falling down his face. He released it all, it flowing out of him in a matter of five seconds.
And then it was silent again. Silence, something he was petrified of. He broke down once and for all, sobbing into his bitten down fingers, his messy eyeliner running down his face.
“I mean what the hell is so wrong with me?!” he screamed again, continuing his loathing episode. His heartache.
He remembers how quiet it was when he walked in Bert’s house. How dry his mouth got when he saw one simple light on in the hallway. How with every step he took into the house, another little string of his heart was cut loose. All the sacrifices he had made for him ran through his head in that moment. All the things he had done, for someone he didn’t even love, simply to keep him there and feel wanted.
But then again, it wasn’t much of a shock when he found him in bed with someone else. He knew that’s who Bert was since he met him a year ago. What did come as a shock to him, however, was that it was his own damn friend that was in bed with him. The same friend that he had just talked to the night before. The friend that reassured him Bert loved him and was loyal. The same. Damn. Friend.
Gerard almost felt like laughing in the irony of it. Do you ever just get so completely broken that all you can do is laugh about it? Because Gerard was pretty sure if he didn’t laugh right now, he might really crash his car into a light pole.
So there he was sitting. Laughing his lungs raw in his car, black smudgy tears trailing down his face, and Gerard wondering at what point in his fucking life he became so undesirable.
Then he heard a light knock.
“Gerard?”
Gerard almost completely jumped out of his skin. He was still trembling when he looked through his window, seeing a short, yet built, silhouette outside his window. Gerard blinked a couple times, getting the fog out of his eyes. He instantly knew who it was. Frank.
He didn’t even realize where he had been driving to. He just let his hands go by themselves, seemingly not attached to his brain which had been on everything else but driving. He looked around and realized he was parked across from Frank’s house. It seemed in the end his body always came to Frank. Like the one antidote for this feeling was that short little spit fire he grew up with.
Gerard watched as Frank went around to the passenger side of the car, opening the door seemingly fast, and slamming himself into the seat like he always seemed to do. The boy had no grace.
“Gerard- Gee what the- Jesus are you okay?” he stuttered, completely confused as to why he was here, and why he looked like a puppy that had been kicked. Frank resisted the urge to wipe away a tear straying down his cheek.
“Frank.” Gerard croaked, his voice hoarse from screaming. Shit. The screaming. That’s why Frank knew he was there. He probably scared the shit out of him.
“Frank i’m so sorry I didn’t mean to disturb you, I just- I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.” Gerard stuttered his eyes tearing up, even though he tried to stop it. His body wouldn’t comply with him right now; and he didn’t figure it would.
“It’s Burt isn’t it. He fucked you over again.” Frank responded, his voice laced with knowing and with venom. When Gerard didn’t reply, Frank rolled his eyes, his face filled with disgust.
“Gerard, you know you’re so much better than that bag of shit. He’s disgusting and doesn’t deserve a single hair on your head.” Frank deadpanned, looking at Gerard, who wouldn’t make eye contact with him. He didn’t respond. He couldn’t really, or he’d lose it.
“Gee, shit. Come here. Please?” Frank pleaded, his eyes tearing up themselves, unable to handle seeing the man he loved for so long in so much pain.
Gerard nodded his hair still covering his eyes. Frank slowly pulled him into his seat with him, onto his lap, laying his head down in his neck, stroking his hair and shushing him. This was a normal occurrence. Frank was always the one to comfort him when this happened. Hell, Frank was the only one that could comfort him. It was like his voice was a melody, soothing him and not letting the silence get to him.
“It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I’m just so damn undesirable, i’m so disgusting. I don’t blame him for leaving.” Gerard sobbed, no doubt getting a mixture of snot and tears on Frank’s shirt, but Frank didn’t care.
Gerard felt him being pulled back immediately, making him jump once again in Frank’s arms.
“You, Gerard Way, are anything but disgusting. You are beautiful. The people that give you their attention? They just see a better looking guy than themselves, and use it to their advantage. You aren’t disgusting, or decent. You’re beautiful. Okay?” Frank said sternly, giving into the urge to wipe a tear from his face with his calloused thumb.
Gerard shook his head no, he couldn’t believe that. He wanted to but he couldn’t. Every time someone left him, he looked in the mirror and felt more and more disgusting. He slowly wore more baggier clothes to his body. Added more makeup to hide his face. He wasn’t desirable.
“Gerard, why do you choose people like that when you know who they are?” Frank sighed, keeping his thumb on his jaw, soothingly stroking it.
“We don’t get to be with the people we really love, that isn’t how it works.” Gerard cried, squeezing some tears out before opening his eyes again. “Plus, the only person I’ve ever really loved, he wouldn’t want me.” Gerard muttered, averting his eyes to his lap.
Frank knew Gerard was talking about him though. He’s known for months. Mikey had drunkenly told him one night while they were playing Halo, and didn’t even remember saying it in the morning. Frank was flooded with warmth that night. Gerard loved him. His Gerard, his best friend, and his love, loved him too.
Frank didn’t get any sleep that night. He laid there next to a snoring Mikey, simply thinking. He couldn’t tell Gerard he loved him too. He simply couldn’t. Because deep down inside him, he knew he wasn’t good enough for Gerard. All he had to offer was his love and adoration. Besides that, Frank was nothing. He was barely struggling to keep his job and his house. He was failing to make it work with his band, and his only friends were Gerard and Mikey. He was a loser. And Gerard deserved the world.
“Why would you say that, why would he not be able to love you?” Frank asked, a pained expression on his face. This killed him. It ripped his insides apart knowing that Gerard though Frank didn’t want him.
“Because... Burt, Josh, Patrick? They were trash and still they couldn’t even love me. How could anything so far above that love me?” Gerard responded tilting his eyes slightly above to shyly look in Frank’s pained eyes.
“God damnit!” Frank yelled, Gerard jumping once again, and hitting his head on the roof of the car. “S-sorry I didn’t mean to scare you but. Fucking hell Gee, do you know what you’re doing to me? Do you realize how deep your words cut into me? How hard it is to resist touching you? How hard it is when you’re so close to me and not being able to kiss you?” Frank’s voice getting quieter at the end, his fingers ghosting across Gerard’s lips.
“Gerard, you are anything but unwanted. I’ve wanted you for years, maybe my whole fucking life and I just didn’t realize it. I’ve wanted you so badly I ache at night, knowing I can’t touch you. Because i’m not good enough for you.” Frank said, cursing over and over as he stared from Gerard’s lips to his eyes.
Gerard was speechless. For the first time all night his thoughts just stopped flowing to his brain. He didn’t know if he could even remember english anymore, the words not forming in his head. He just could not speak.
Frank sat there, the silence surrounding them going through his ears and throat, making it hard to breathe.
“Fuck it,” Frank cursed, taking Gerard’s face into his hands, and pressing his lips against his chapped, bitten lips. He was done trying to be good enough for someone. He was fucking done waiting for the day he thinks he is good enough, while watching Gerard get treated like fucking shit over and over again. What Gerard needed wasn’t someone with a lot of money. He needed to be purely and genuinely loved. And that’s what he was going to give him.
Gerard froze for a moment, his thoughts slowly coming into focus. Frank was kissing him. Frank wanted to kiss him. Frank wanted him. His Frankie.
He surged forward all of a sudden, his hands going straight to Frank’s hair, and his mouth attacking Frank’s. He didn’t realize just how badly he wanted this. Needed it. Their mouths were moving so fast, yet so gently. So full of love and sweat and tears. They were done waiting.
“iloveyousomuch” Gerard mumbled between kisses, surprisingly able to get words out at all.
Frank responded by repeating how much he loved him over and over again, the want of each other increasing, and the closeness of their bodies setting them on fire.
Frank pulled away though, only for a second, to smile at him. “Don’t you ever fucking not tell me how you feel again. Ever”.
Gerard returned the smile, his face probably a mess of makeup and sweat.
“Never.” Gerard promised as he leaned in to kiss him again.