Chapter Text
New York felt right. It was just like Nadia thought it would be, filled to the brim with interesting, different people. Filled with so many opportunities to do whatever she wanted. It felt like New York could offer it all. She’d already met more than a few nice people, people she chose to interact with. And no one knew who she was until she told them, it was an empty canvas and she could use the colors she wanted, no one got to choose them for her. It was a new start in all the right ways. Columbia was great too. Nadia’s professors rarely had anything negative to say about her work and living with Lu wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be. Everything was going like it was supposed to go. Everything was great. Everything was finally great.
Then why did it feel like this?
She was nauseous in the mornings, evenings, she was nauseous at night. She didn’t want to eat or drink. Going out felt like torture. Nadia told herself it was the stress. It was the stacks of papers she had to write for her classes, it was tests she had no time to study for. It had to be. Because if it wasn’t, it was Guzman, and that was something she couldn’t deal with. Not after everything. Not after the summer they had. Not after all the promises.
Guzman had stopped texting her after a while. She still got occasional questions on how school was going out of politeness, but it wasn’t like she thought it would when they said goodbye back home in Spain. And her heart still skipped a beat when Guzman’s name appeared on her screen, it was pathetic. She was in New York to study, to study and have a future. But that didn’t meant it didn’t hurt. It hurt because it felt like Guzman had meant it when he said he loved her. It hurt because she couldn’t get him out of her head. He took up most of the space, evicting any coherent thoughts about anything or anyone else. It was filled with him and him only. She’d learned to force herself to concentrate on other, mostly college related things in the beginning when they still talked, but now it took too much energy.
As Nadia lay on the couch of their half-furnished apartment, a million more thoughts ran through her head. She knew she couldn’t let any know how she felt. It had to remain a secret. Unfortunately, Nadia lived with Lu. Fortunately, she believed Lu didn’t know a thing. She was too busy partying or finding herself, as she called it. Lu probably still thought Nadia and Guzman were together. In her defense, even Nadia wasn’t sure what they were. She could only hope he would give her some sort of sign soon. Maybe knowing they weren’t together anymore would give her some sort of peace.
Guzman.
Nadia caught her thoughts running away from her, finding their way to a scene from one particular night. She could remember everything in vivid detail and she could remember nothing, almost feeling his lips on her neck again. Almost. She was transfixed. If someone had asked, she would’ve lied and said she’d made an attempt to stop the scene from rolling further in her head. Until…
“Are you smiling?”, Lu asked, snapping Nadia back to her senses.
“No.” Nadia replied, moving to a sitting position.
“Oh, okay then. I thought I’d just witnessed something revolutionary.”
“What does that mean?” Nadia questioned, now standing up.
“Come on, Nadia. You smile less now than you did back home.”
Fuck
“I’m just not a smiley person.”
“Okay, honey” Lu replied, rolling her eyes before pausing and looking at Nadia up and down. “Have you gained weight?”
Lu stared at Nadia with genuinely acquisitive eyes. Why would she ask something like that? And, most importantly, why had Nadia agreed to moving in with her?
“I don’t know.” Nadia replied, looking back at Lu with annoyance. “Maybe, I’ve been stress eating, because of the exams or something.”
“Stress eating? When? I think I’ve seen you eat like twice during our time in New York.”
“That’s because you’re always out”
Nadia muttered something about studying under her breath and marched into her room and away from Lu.
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Guzman knew what it felt like to have his heart ripped out and thrown across the ocean. Now, as he stared at his chemistry textbook with hollow, sleepless eyes, he knew what if felt like having the only thing that got him out of bed ripped from his side and thrown across the ocean. It was a good decision to stop texting Nadia. It helped him with the pain, at least a little, and most importantly, it helped Nadia. Nadia needed to focus on her life in New York, not on Guzman and his problems. She had to be happy and everything would be okay.
He buried himself into schoolwork, focusing on grades, hoping to distract himself from Nadia. Sometimes it would be too much and he would go out and drink. Sometimes Ander would be there with him. Sometimes Samuel. Sometimes Rebeca. He would drink a lot, too much on nights when Nadia just would not leave his mind.
Still, Nadia would fight her way into his thoughts and he would surrender, every time. He would think about how it felt like to kiss her, how soft her lips were, how it felt like to hold her and have her finally be his. Then his mind would find one, perfect, night. He would let himself think about the way she was breathing and how she felt against him and the way she smiled in between. Then he would pretend he wasn’t going to continue thinking about her.
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Lu was worried. Her roommate was an idiot and she could do nothing to help her. Or could she?
Lu (2:30): hey babe, any chance you could come and visit us in new york before winter break?
Omar(2:55): maybe
Omar(3:05): if i can get time off
Omar(3:06): why?